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I think we escaped!

I think we teleported into a historical film.

-It's a historical film. Sit down. -Sorry!

Let's not show up on TV, otherwise the cops will arrest us.

-Love? -What?

-He's dead, man! -No!

These are some good actors.

-He's dead! -What?

-Where the hell did we teleport to, man? -Let's get out of here! Are you crazy?

Get down!

Man, that's the idiot who was with us in prison. Isn't that him?

-Janitor. -Janitor? Come here!

-Look at him, man! -Come over here, man!

Come here! Get down!

Let's run, man!

Don't run, you'll draw attention to us.

Take it easy. Let's run slowly!

Sorry!

Run!

-Why are we running? -Stop!

We escaped.

-Janitor, what's your name, man? -Luck.

Are you kidding? What's your name?

My name is Luck. They don't call me, I'm not an animal.

-I'm Love, and this is Tea. -I know! Well, the whole prison knows

who the three, how do you say, idiots are, that escaped and came back.

-Yeah. -The whole prison talks about us, Love!

About you, you're the idiot.

So, how's the first teleportation? You okay?

-Man, we're not safe here. -Come here.

We're not safe here either.

I'm scared, I want to go to mommy.

Help me!

-Love! -Let's run!

The diamond is real and very valuable.

Was it worth it?

Absolutely.

Are you sure you want to take it out of here?

Absolutely.

Okay, as you wish.

Thanks a lot.

Good luck!

- Hello, ladies! - Hello!

-How are you, how are you feeling? -Very well, thank you!

-What can I serve you, ladies? -A glass of good wine!

-And make it rosé! -I've got a special rosé from Casa Timiș!

And when you come back, bring some of that miraculous caviar.

-Cavi what… ma'am? -Cavi…

Like… whoever hired this waiter should turn to dust.

Black roe, Adonis. I said caviar, so you wouldn't feel insulted.

So you wouldn't sue me with your polite correctness.

You could have just said fish eggs, miss!

We would have avoided this entire situation.

-Oh, and now you're being cheeky? -I'm not!

Sturgeon is a species of fish that produces black roe.

Alright! Then go ask your little Sturgeon if he's heard of Tina.

Now hurry, go get the wine.

Quickly.

-But you're feeling quite rich, I see. -I don't feel rich, I am rich.

What we have here is worth 20 million.

Well, we would have been richer, but…

I wasn't the only one who wanted a pool on the top floor.

Yeah, babe, but it was a penthouse in Herăstrău park.

We blew all our money on it and ended up depending on the diamond.

Money is money. What you hold in your hand, that's no lie.

Ladies are served!

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Thanks!

Yes.

Thank you.

-And now, cheers! -Cheers!

Hold on! I'm tired! Hold on a bit!

Love, how did we end up here?

We were at home, on our little bench, all peaceful.

-I want home to mommy. -Yeah.

Let's figure out how to get out of here. Then we'll talk, come on.

-Love, what does he want? -Pull out the gun!

-Take one more step, I swear on my mother. -Watch your language.

-Man, it's cold. -Cold inside, cold outside.

Look at me. What did you do to your eyebrow?

I cut it, to look tougher.

-And what's on your neck? -Wings.

Wings of?

-The Sphinx. -And Babele?

You idiots, the Sphinx doesn't have wings.

-Phoenix. -Phoenix.

Better, because that bird burned.

-Where? -In its asshole.

I really don't like prison. I don't like it. Period.

-I don't like it much either. -I don't like it too.

When I think about how much money we could have had.

No! Once we get out of here, we need to find the girls, get the diamond,

sell it, take the money, and live well for three generations. Well, live well.

That's if we find them. I think they've disappeared.

I would have done the same.

You would have done that? Well done, Tea, at least we know who we're dealing with.

Right.

Do you know what I'd do if I had money?

So, if I had money, I'd sit my ass on it.

To guard two things at once.

Bravo, funny, but no, listen.

I'd buy this prison and turn it into a mall, I swear to God.

-What? No. You can't. -Why can't I?

Because… the parental home is not for sale.

What nonsense are you talking about? What parental home, not for sale?

Man, I'm a prisoner. I was born here.

My mom did ten years in here.

Tea, you never told us this. And your dad?

-Did he get out? When? -My dad was a cop.

He put my mom in jail, you know? Like in that movie Pretty Woman.

That's what it means to be professionalism.

-Professional. -And what did I say?

Listen, man. So, your mom was privileged.

The cops were beating everyone with batons, and your mom got the rod.

Take it easy, or I'll cut a pocket into your liver!

Wait, wait! Sit down.

But don't hurt me, I had surgery there when I was little.

-It's the spleen, Snow! -No, it's the liver.

He's right. That's where it hurts when you're tired,

but I'll cut you there too.

Guys, cut the crap!

Man, stop it. When I look at you, I actually like you, I swear.

I haven't seen two idiots fight over nothing in a long time.

-Stop it! -Do you guys know you're both right?

-Yeah, of course, it's on the right, no? -What? Mall or ice rink?

Doesn't even matter!

Because you reminded me of the pocket. What do I have…

What do I have… here?

-What do you have? -What do you have there?

Again? We're not allowed alcohol in here.

Good thing you told me, Tea,

because I wanted to call some girls, make a barbecue,

get drunk and party till dawn.

-Man, this guy is an idiot! -Stupid as hell!

Don't listen to this guy, Love? Bring the girls!

What do we care about rules? What will they do to us? Put us in jail?

Doesn't even matter, you idiots!

I have to tell you, with you guys, this suspense is killing me.

-Anyway, whatever I say to you is seppuku. -Sudoku.

-Su… what? -Sudoku.

Seppuku is when you do hara-kiri to yourself, you know?

Enough! In this bottle, we have the teleportation liquid.

I saved a bit from the boss, you know, and I added some water

to have just enough for the day when…

-By the way, what day is it today? -Wednesday.

No. Yesterday was Wednesday. Today is Tuesday,

because today we have rice and red beet.

-You are what you eat. -No…

Today is the day we escape.

Guys, ready?

What are the girls doing? Are they thirsty?

-We were just… -But what do we have here?

-Alcohol? -I told them we're not allowed alcohol.

-I told them. -Damn snitch.

Man, what a jerk!

It's not alcohol. It's a little bottle, a family heirloom, and Ivan, please…

"Mr. Guard", for you.

Mr. Guard, please, I'm asking you, could you give me back the bottle…

-Because it's really important to me? -Really?

Yeah, man, I'll give it to you. 50 lei.

-What? -Fifty lei.

Because money is really important to me too.

-Give him the money, man. -I don't have any.

-He doesn't have any. -Then no bottle for you.

Okay. Guys, Plan B.

-What's Plan B? -Plan B?

Really, what's Plan B?

Tea, get on your knees.

-Me? No. -Come on, man…

Get on your knees, on all fours, behind him.

Are you guys morons? I can see you, I can hear you.

Yeah, but can you still see us and hear us now?

Man!

Come on!

Tea, let's go!

Come on, Snow! Come on, man!

Come on!

Go after them! Don't you see they're escaping?

Quickly, after them!

-Come on! -Come on, man, hurry up!

-Run! -Come on, we're almost there!

-Wait a minute, I'm tired! -Come on, we're almost…

Snow!

-Snow! -Snow!

Snow, don't die!

Come on, Snow, I'll take you to Șaraiman, please, don't die!

To the Shaman, not to Șaraiman, you dimwit!

-That's all we could do. Bad luck. -Come on, Snow!

Come on, Snow! Look, we're almost at the fence, come on, man, come on!

You've always been a champion.

All my life, I've been a champion, Love! But now it's over…

It's over, I want to retire to my snowdrifts.

-A snowflake in a snowball. -A snowflake in a snowball.

-A shiver in the wind… -A shiver in the wind…

Alright, go on, leave!

Go on, there's no more time! Go, leave me.

-Snow! Snow, don't die! -Take care of yourselves and good luck.

-That's it, I love you! -Snow!

-Snow! -Snow!

Tea, please focus a bit! Let's run!

I can't leave him… I can't leave him here!

-Listen to me! We have to run! -I can't…

If we don't run, your mother, my mother, and everyone's mother will cry.

-Listen to me! Run! -Stop or I'll shoot!

Let's teleport into that Dacia and run!

Wait!

Drink it! Hold it!

Shoot him, don't just threaten him!

-What? -Pull the trigger!

-I'm pulling, but it's not working! -Pull the safety!

Pull the safety? I pull the trigger!

What did you do, man? What did you do, you idiot?

-What did you do, you idiot? -Look on the bright side!

-What's the bright side? -At least I know how to use this one!

I can see that! Come on, put it away!

Look how they're all staring at us in skirts.

-Love, where are they taking us? -I don't know, man!

Can't you see they don't speak our language?

Hey, ask them where they're taking us!

-You are such an idiot, I swear! -Wait, man, I'll ask.

Excuse me, where are you taking us? Love, he wants to cut my head off!

In your case, that might be an actual improvement, Tea!

I don't want to die! I'm young and I want to see a dinosaur.

Shut up already!

Hey, you, unlucky guy! You haven't said a word, you've been quiet this whole time.

-Aren't you afraid of death? -I have a bigger problem right now.

What problem bigger than death?

My donkey farted.

May the earth split open and take us along with the donkey and all!

Oh, man…

-Man! Luck, is this your donkey? -No!

Well, it wasn't mine either. Tea, was it yours?

-Not the donkey. -Oh, man…

Oh, how gallant to take my bag!

Leave the bag where it is, kiddo. Now, make yourself scarce.

The boss told me to take the diamond to the safe.

Oh, really? Looks like you also speak the local English.

By the way… How can we trust you?

How can I trust that there's a diamond in there?

Excellent.

We operate internationally, and with the money you're about to make,

you can already consider yourselves international.

-Make sure to put it in a safe place. -I will.

I can't afford to make mistakes with it, because I still need these fingers.

Now that the formalities are over…

Hey, Love…

Where are these guys taking us?

How should I know? Can't you see they're ignoring us?

- But who are these people? - How should I know?

Hey, guys, what's wrong with you?

- Maybe they've mistaken us. - Man, I'm scared.

- Hey, Love, who are these people? - Can't you see they're ignoring us?

- Who are these guys? - Silentium!

Silentio stampa.

He said Move! I think they're English.

- Move! - Hey, man, don't push me!

- You speak English, parlez français? - This guy is crazy.

If you talk more, you'll die morituri!

Morituri … you're Italian!

I speak the language of your pizza…

-Hey, Tea, where are you? -Wait…

Oh, don't lock us in, Tinman!

Don't go outside, it's raining, and you'll rust.

The light's gone.

Love, it's cold, man.

I already told you, cold outside, cold inside.

What time is it?

That lowlife stole my watch.

-What a bunch of thieves! -Damn thieves.

Look! We're in here and they're out there, you see?

-How is this right, man? -Man!

I'm hungry.

Why don't you call room service?

They'll bring it for sure. This is a 6-7 star plus location.

This guy's dumber than Snow.

-God rest his soul! -God rest his soul!

Wouldn't it be better if we found something to make some light,

a lighter or something so we can see where we are?

Love, I've got one.

Enjoy it in good health!

Ah, sorry!

It's cold, man!

Look at this idiot's lighter!

-Does it still have gas? -I don't know.

-I can't see if it has gas. -Hold on!

Check it out, man!

It's out of gas.

What are you doing? You have your phone on you?

Well, I took it from the guard when I grabbed his gun.

And you didn't tell me? Didn't I teach you how to steal?

We split it in half?

Yeah.

Alright, call someone to come get us out of here.

-And where do I say we are? -Share location.

Yeah, man, but I have no signal, Love.

Move back a bit, man.

Look, a stick that burns!

Come on, man! Come on!

Come on, man!

It feels so good, so good! Turn off that shit!

There's someone else here with us.

Goddammit, who's over there?

Look, another torch. Keep your broom on him!

-God, you scared me! -This is what life sentence means.

I think he's got candida.

Cheers!

I'm Luck. He's Tea. He's Love.

Where are we?

The Romans have defeated us.

I am…

Ovidius…

The poet.

-He's Hungarian. -Don't talk to him anymore.

You idiots! He's not Hungarian, he's speaking Latin.

-How do you know Latin? -Exactly!

My mom… she told me she'd buy me a bike if I got an A in one subject,

and I chose Latin because I skipped PE, right?

What kind of bike did she buy you?

She got me one with those big horns, those long ones,

and with that long saddle, like a Harley.

-Pegas. -Modern, you idiots.

-The one that brakes like this. -Don't make me hit you!

Is this what we're talking about? Aren't you curious what the man said?

What did he say?

He's a prisoner of…

He's been taken prisoner by the Romans, his name is Ovidius, he's a poet.

Wait, what Romans?

Love, ask him what year it is.

He's got two farts away from death. Seriously?

How did this go in class?

Ubi sumus…

Ubi humus hic.

What humus, man? Now you're hungry? Ask him what year it is already!

That's what I asked him.

Oh, look how sick he is.

This…

He totally stinks, man! I swear!

This is the territory of Dacia.

Wait!

We are in the year…

He won't make it till April.

-He's challenging you to Tic-Tac-Toe. -Move over! I know!

-He's cheating you! -I want the Zero here.

Tea! He wants to tell us what year we are in.

We are in the year 85.

This is the territory of Dacia.

Oh, my mother!

Oh, my mother!

Change of plans.

The auction starts in half an hour. We sell the diamond, take the money…

And tomorrow we go to get them out of prison.

-How come? -Seriously?

Yes, girls, I've made up my mind! We can't leave them like this.

I'll arrange for a private plane to Kenya. No one will catch us there.

Okay, okay, but how do we get them out?

I've got a plan, but we'll talk tomorrow.

Everything in its own time.

Ladies…

I want you charming tonight.

We smile, flirt,

and use all our feminine charms to get what we need.

All of them?

Listen, Curly, we need to come out on top.

In 85.

The year 85…

Dear God, help me, Lord!

Help us, Lord! How did we end up here?

How did we get here? Because of Tea.

I heard you when you said you wanted to teleport to that Dacia.

I meant that Dacia car in front of the prison!

Did you forget how this liquid works, man?

You take it in your mouth, think about where you want to go,

and it takes you 22.2 meters away.

Well, yeah! It took us 22.2 meters down underground.

Because Dacia is under Bucharest. Did you know? I saw it in Old Town.

Good thing it didn't take us up, we'd be fighting aliens.

Love, it teleported us through time!

Give me the phone, Ovidius, you've killed my battery

and I don't even have a charger with me.

Barbarian!

And if you had a charger, you'd shove it up your ass!

We're in the year 85!

There's no electricity!

So how do these guys charge their phones? How?

-Tea… -Let's teleport back.

It's better in our little prison than their slammer.

Luck, that's the first smart thing you've said. Well done, man!

The bottle.

-How much did you drink? -I was thirsty.

-He was thirsty… -He was thirsty, Tea.

We don't have enough liquid to teleport us all back.

Then let's draw straws to see who goes.

-Who's going, man? -Nobody's going, man.

Either all of us, or none of us, or at least…

-The two of us! -The two of us!

Because only the two of us can go. We've known you for a minute.

And we've already figured out that you are very, very stupid.

I agree.

Tea, switch places with me.

- Poet! - Speak!

Is there anyone in Dacia who can make magic juice?

-Dumb. -Dumb, seems dumb.

This is Latin.

Make.

Repeat.

-What did he say? -Repeat.

What did he say?

-He asked me to repeat. -Well, do it.

Give me a break, it's been ages. I haven't spoken Latin since 8th grade.

-But you liked riding your bike. -Tea!

Magic liquid of… disappearance?

Evaporation?

The only one who can help you

is the healer of the fortress!

The only one who supposedly knows magic is the healer of the fortress.

Cheese, stork, badger.

Love, Luck, and I am Tea.

They will take us to the ruler of this fortress, Emperor Nerva!

Why are they pushing us? Take it easy!

Listen!

How much do you think we'll get for the diamond?

-Two-three million max. -How come?

Without our commission.

What do you mean two-three million, this diamond is worth 20 million.

Let me tell you something.

If you want 20 million, I suggest you take it nicely to an official auction,

but I'm afraid you'll leave from there or maybe you won't leave

with a mere 20 lei, to tuck into your bra.

Let me tell you something.

-What? -Come closer.

-What? -Closer.

-If you talk to me like that again… -Yes?

…I'll bite your tongue and spit it out in a fancy glass, got it?

A lot of trouble, no caring at all.

And now that we've reached the end…

Say it nicely:

A lovely evening, ladies.

A lovely evening, ladies.

No. Nicely, from the heart. Look the ladies in the eyes and say:

A lovely evening, ladies.

A lovely evening, ladies.

-Was that okay? -We'll rehearse again next time, boy.

-Watch your nose. -You said that…

Damn it!

I'll get you later.

-Man! -What beautiful sandals you have!

Tea, this is serious, listen to me! We're screwed. It's really bad!

Don't look at his daughter if you don't want to…

die.

I understood what this guy wanted to say.

He tried to say something about feliatus, but I missed the last two words.

Tea, you're scaring me, man! Believe me, I'm scared!

Since when do you speak Latin?

He said the emperor is coming

and if we look at his daughter, because she has some disease or something,

God forgive us, he'll kill us or something.

Attention! The Emperor is coming!

-Love, are they going to kill us? -Wait a second!

What did he say? Will they kill us or what?

There is an option or what? Because I'd choose something.

-What? What are you saying, man? -I'd choose something.

I'm not allowed to die. Mom's coming Saturday with a package.

Mom needs me, mom's not feeling well, you understand?

I'm not allowed to die! My mom told me this:

Luck, take care of yourself in prison, that's what she said.

Don't die and stay healthy, that's what my mom said.

Soldiers, stand down!

Listen to me, calm down! Please, I don't know you, but absolutely,

I mean almost not at all, except for the fact I know you're very stupid,

that you rake leaves in prison, but this thing with your mom, believe me,

you've won me over, I mean it's… we'll make your mom better.

Let's figure out a way to get out of here!

Let's show some respect or whatever to the emperor, and if we get out,

I promise we'll go to your mom and make her better. I promise.

Calm down.

Follow my lead!

Dear God, no, stop! Please, stop!

You've filled him with respect! He's definitely going to forgive us now.

-Ave! -Ave, man!

-Ave! -Ave!

Don't yell.

-Ave! -Ave!

Don't you dare touch me!

Love?

Love, did he just cut off its head?

Leave me the hell alone! I feel sick.

We're going to die here.

Or maybe…

Or maybe…

It's love.

Man, she's beautiful!

-Why did you hit me, Tea? -I saved your life.

You saved my ass!

Pray we don't get out of here, because I'll kill you with my bare hands.

Leave him alone, Love! He really did save your life.

You were staring at… My word, she's beautiful!

Have you all lost your minds?

They're going to kill us! Love, I'm calling 911.

Call them! Call 911 and tell them

to send us a horse with sirens, to save us, you idiot.

That guy looks like Dopey.

Man, that guy looks like Dopey.

Man, that's Dopey! Dopey!

-We're saved! -Dopey!

-Dopey, it's me, Love! -Dopey!

Do you remember the cell with Tea? The three of us with the beds.

Dopey, how can you kill us? What the hell, we're friends!

We're sorry about that bottle and look, Tea's never seen dinosaurs in his life.

We've got Luck here too. He hasn't seen his mom, he loves his mom.

Please, Dopey! Tea, do something!

-Andreea picked up. -Andreea who?

Hello, I am Andreea. For mobile services, press 1.

-One. -One. One.

For internet services, press 2.

-Two. -Two. Two.

Who's your boss?

Andreea.

Who?

Andreea.

I am Andreea.

Dopey…

Andreea…

Finally, we meet!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the moment we've all been waiting for has arrived.

We can begin the auction.

The first item is this diamond.

Its market value is 20 million.

He always looks at me weird…

A test!

Love, is this Russian roulette?

How could they have guns? Are you out of your mind?

With arrows… cherry bows… the cherry pops or doesn't pop.

You still haven't gotten over that… since she popped your cherry?

Honestly, I haven't…

Calm down! What's wrong with you?

PLAY GG.

Love, this is a card game. I want to play.

Hold on! What card games do you know?

-All the ones ending in -tica. -What -tica?

Șeptica, Copcica, War. I'll play.

Shut up! If it's poker, I'm in.

You know I destroyed them in prison. I took all their cigarettes.

-I need money! -I need money!

-Sit down! -Sit down!

He says we should sit.

Let Luck sit between us, so we'll both have luck.

Bless you!

Love?

What time is it?

That damned dwarf stole my watch.

Damn you, Nerva!

-Ave! -Ave!

-A very merry stroke to you! -May your crown rust!

Poet…

What's with this test?

The Emperor felt insulted,

so he wants revenge, through his game.

Be careful, his skill is legendary!

He hasn't lost a single game.

And if I lose?

-Good God! -What did he say?

I have two pieces of news for you.

One good and one bad. Which one do you want to hear?

-The bad one. -The good one.

First, Nerva invented the poker game we know, and apparently, he's a genius.

He hasn't lost a single game.

-That's the bad one. -That's the good one.

And the other is that…

If I lose this card game, we'll be beheaded.

-That's bad. -That's even worse.

He's been playing poker for maybe a week or two.

We've been playing poker for 2000 years! I'll destroy him.

-Quiet! -Quiet!

He's upset because he's small.

-Shuffle! -Shuffle!

-Split them evenly, my friend! -Hey, wait!

You started cheating? You haven't even started?

-Quiet! -Quiet!

Let the game begin!

They know what they're doing.

Love, left hand, right hand…

May they both be in luck!

-Quiet! -Quiet!

Let the game begin! Quiet!

Fold.

You're dead.

Tea,

the jester is looking at my cards with that puppet.

Do something with that puppet next time.

Neva?

Neva?

Neva!

Neva!

Love…

Brothers…

We have three of these chips left. We'll never recover from this.

I feel it, I swear I feel it.

We either go for it, or we don't. Are we in?

And how do we pay? We've got nothing left.

You've never used that head of yours anyway.

Cards.

Man, he's got two Jacks!

Oh my God! A Jack.

A Queen, Lord! I've never asked for anything!

Give me a Queen. Please, Lord, give me that Queen!

Please, Lord, give me that Queen! Please, Lord, give me that woman!

Give me a woman!

It ended with a royal flush!

-Hocus, pocus, all that. -Damn you!

What did I tell you, Tea? The ladies love me.

And Tea's as smooth as can be.

-Come on, man, what are you doing? -We all know you've got no muscles!

Let's celebrate!

Nerva?

Are you saying that… we're… free?

We are free!

As the writer says.

Let's celebrate!

Let's celebrate! They say we're free… and that's it.

I'm getting drunk tonight! Watch me!

-Tea, take some grapes. -Okay.

-My brother, how are you doing? -Good!

-Ah, Italian! -Good!

I thought you speak Latin.

Bubu?

Bubu?

We can start the bidding at one million. And we have an offer!

One million to the gentleman in black.

Does anyone offer 1,100,000?

1,100,000 to the lady here in front.

Going further for 1,200,000?

1,200,000 in the back, to the gentleman on the right.

Going further for 1,300,000?

1,400,000?

1,500,000?

1,600,000?

1,700,000?

1,800,000?

1,900,000 to the collector.

Two million anyone?

It's too little, too little.

1,900,000 going once.

1,900,000 going twice.

Two million to the gentleman in white.

-Keep pumping, you stupid animals! -Going further for 2,100,000?

Of course!

The collector. 2,100,000.

Does anyone offer 2,200,000?

2,200,000…

2,100,000 going once.

2,100,000 going twice.

Three million.

-Tina, what are you doing? -Three million once, twice. No one else?

Sold to the young lady in the first row.

Bravo, girls!

Sold!

What have you done?

You've ruined us, that's what.

Not yet. I've got a feeling.

Man, now this is something! Look, Tea!

Thus passes the glory of the world.

Love, I think we're about to eat.

From the smell of it, we're eating!

-I'm so hungry. -Come on, let's go.

Hold on a second!

You guys have pants, and I got a skirt?

No, I got a little skirt too. Look here!

Oh, man!

Love, look at all this food! Look at how it looks! Just look!

They've got cracklings, thighs, these meatballs, this chicken breast,

and pork thighs, listen!

-We're eating like kings tonight! -Yes!

Cristim!

Cristim!

Royal food!

Love, what's he saying?

He said it's imperial food. Cristim.

-Big guy? -Enjoy!

Big guy, are we getting wine too?

-Wine? -Yes!

We've got plenty of wine!

Big guy, there's not much wine here.

-Nothing without wine. -It's running dry.

This guy is talking to himself. I think he already drank something.

He said there is wine. There's wine! But it's something… I don't know…

It's wine…

Are we eating or not? Is someone supposed to allow us?

-Love, but let's eat. -Do we ask for permission?

In wine, there is truth!

Marcus Cocceius Nerva Caesar Augustus… and Zia!

You hear that? The emperor is coming, with that hottie, Zia.

Love, show some respect!

That beautiful… virginal girl… Zia.

-Man, he looks just like Dopey, I swear! -He really looks like Dopey, man!

Are you crazy?

-He even has his mannerisms. -No, he doesn't, no mannerisms.

But how did he catch someone like her… How did he do it?

Maybe she takes after her mother.

Man, what a babe!

-It's him, man! It's Dopey! -It's not Dopey.

And if it's Dopey, can't you see he's showing off? Leave him alone!

Why don't you speak to me? We're buddies, we did time together.

-We both… -Quiet!

What did I tell you?

Neva!

In case it's not clear, this is the leader of the Romans, Nerva.

Not Dopey…

What's he saying?

He said it's not Dopey.

It's Nerva, the emperor who conquered this city.

Must be some great-great-grandfather of his.

You'll end up in trouble, my friend.

You'll land in prison.

You'll be in cell four, bed three.

-The wine's here. -Wine.

-Let's eat! -Let's eat!

-I don't like this jester at all! -Are we eating or what?

Look at the budget these guys have, wow!

This little pig looks so good.

Did you see that? I think they're bringing it to me.

Thank you!

Who was a naughty little piggy?

- A truly royal pig! - He signaled that it's all mine.

Love, but where's the fork? Where's the knife?

I'm not eating like this. What am I, a barbarian?

I'll… I'll eat and give you some food from my mouth like pigeons.

Do you think it's spicy? You know I've got those hemorrhoids.

Don't ruin my appetite, please. Be a man for once!

And leave me alone a bit, I'm trying to focus.

Let the feast begin!

Let's eat!

Look at the princess.

Once a princess, always a princess.

I grabbed two of these, man.

You said you had some cracklings over there.

I'll want some of that chicken breast from over there too.

You had some cracklings…

We don't have pork… Luck, break us off some pork!

-Yes, take this. -We'll give you chicken.

Take this and trade me for some turkey.

No. Take this! And give me some pork, what's that?

-Got it, we're good! -Now, take some neck meat.

-This guy has quite an appetite. -He's hungry!

Love, let's pour a little for Snow's soul.

Don't spill that good wine, are you crazy? Look at us, drinking…

Casa Timiș. Better pour some to Ovidiu. Ovidiu?

Say gramercy!

Gramercy!

-Zăpadem! -Zăpadem?

Yes, Snow, Snow.

This Dopey guy is acting weird. Maybe his jet's clogged.

I'm starting to like him.

-Andreea! -Andreea.

You'd hit it? You drank something and now you'd hit it.

-Andreea! -Andreea.

-The phone, man! -Andreea!

I'm not giving it to them!

Turn on the camera. Let's have a laugh.

-Andreea! -Hold on, I'll get Andreea now.

Low budget dwarf. Turn in on.

Ugly! Turn on the camera, man!

Let's get in for a picture with them. We'll break Instagram, I swear!

Nerva! Let's take a picture!

Let's take a picture with the monkey.

Look here!

Don't waste money on cheap scams, take your picture with the Romans!

Is the minibar covered?

I don't know. Why are you asking?

Because I don't think we can afford to pay for the drinks.

What have you done to us, Tina?

I tried to inflate the price, I thought that bear would offer more.

Congratulations!

It was genius. I swear, I loved it.

And yes, the outcome suits us.

The diamond is yours. Now you have to pay.

Wasn't it already ours?

Yes. But you still have to pay.

And if we don't have the money?

You'll still have to pay.

How, if we don't have any money?

Well, I have an alternative…

A bath…

With a stone tied around your neck…

in that pool you were swimming in.

Are you threatening us now or what?

No. Just informing you.

And who exactly do we owe three million to if it was ours to begin with?

Our commission is ten percent.

You pay it, take the diamond,

do what you want with it, we'll see you at the next auction.

-Yes? -Okay, got it.

Let us think about how we'll get you the money.

It's okay. You have until tomorrow morning.

Have a wonderful evening, ladies.

Better?

Get out!

We have to pay.

-And how are we going to pay? -I have an idea.

-Excuse me. -No trouble.

Do you happen to know where the collector's room is?

Oh great, since he ordered you, you can take this to him.

Two rooms ahead, on the left.

Speak.

I've come to negotiate.

I ought to shoot you.

What happened tonight was a mistake.

Yes.

A big one.

I have something that might interest you.

I think this could be the start of a fruitful friendship.

You've got my attention.

Two million and the stone is yours.

Not even a million, and I won't kill you.

Do you know why they call me the Collector?

Because I know exactly…

what a need is

and what a desire is.

You can never feel complete

if you do it out of need.

And I realize

your need is greater…

than my desire for…

what you have to offer…

1,800,000. Final offer.

Get out, you filthy mutt!

No, please don't. No. Please, don't.

You have money.

You have power.

You have everything you could ever want.

You could say your collection is complete.

Me?

I have nothing.

I only have a small baby that I need to take care of.

I used to be a small baby also.

I need the money to get him back from his Arab father.

I hate how arrogant these Arabs are.

When they claim that cabbage rolls are their invention.

And fast, because I heard they cut off their weeny at the age of six

in the name of Allah.

No, stop! Stop.

Here!

Keep it.

But be careful, it's a limited edition, don't cut the tag.

I miss him so much, my heart dries up with longing for him.

When I was a child,

my father…

Yes?

He took me from my mother.

Oh, my!

I'm so sorry.

You're a real mother!

Please, no!

You're a real mother.

No!

Forgive me.

Forgive me, please.

How much does the Arab want?

- Tea, wine! - Wine.

-Life! -Life!

-This one from Timiș is good! -Good, good, it's really good.

Tea, I'm going over to Zia. Wish me luck!

Good luck!

So…

Do you come here often, to look at…

the candles?

You're sweet.

I've got a good one too, wait.

You're like a beautiful pain.

Pain. Ouch!

Nerva.

Nerva!

-Let's go to bed! -Love!

What did he say?

My princess!

Hey, ancient CIA, listen to me a bit.

If you scare me one more time with that crappy puppet of yours,

I swear I'll hide it,

I'm sorry I got so aggressive, but you leave me no choice.

Look at her, my love leaving, I could eat her up.

That's how love goes.

Young beauties… after old men with money.

-He's her father! -Worse!

You're sick, Tea, I swear!

Anyway…

Fuckis, not fuckis

Dickus timeus ireparabilem passus.

I'm this close to spitting on you.

I hate that guy!

Hey, listen to what Ovidiu is saying.

-What? -He says Zia likes poetry.

I think I've got a shot with this girl.

Love, please, forget the poetry!

I need to get home to mom. I can't afford to die here.

Luck, I'm so glad you're staying positive.

Hey, no one's dying here!

Everyone lives, or my name is not Love!

All for one and one for all.

-Canatu. -Danatu.

Danatu recites poetry?

-I love you, Tea! -And I love you, Love!

Poet!

What poem should I tell her?

Listen…

He still feels her heart beating

under her new garment.

It's too much!

-It's too much! -Too much?

Manelam.

-Your eyes… -Your eyes…

-Remind me… -Remind me…

How much we loved each other.

Your eyes remind me How much we loved each other.

Hey, Ovidiu, you're the best!

I'm going to destroy her with these verses, I swear!

How beautiful!

-I'm the king! -I'm the king!

I beat you! I'm the king!

And I'm the jester.

-Love, my butt's burning. -Quiet!

No, my butt's burning.

It must be the hemorrhoids.

No, man, those just hurt.

My butt is burning.

Feel this!

Man, did you know these Romans invented underfloor heating?

Hoffman.

-It's OK! -It's OK!

Let's get out of here before that porn dwarf comes and catches us.

Zia!

Zia! Take off your clothes!

This one time, the class teacher asked me to tell the lesson. Always.

-Always! -Tea!

Hold this and take care of it, because if you lose it, I'll beat you up.

-I'm off. -Where are you going?

-I'm going with Zia for a quick job. -Are you starting construction work?

Yeah, I'm going to brick this one up.

-Put her in the wall. -Man, she looks just like Nerva's Zia.

Luck, I'm begging you, take care of this guy and teach him how to breathe.

If I come back and find him dead, you'll have problems with me, got it?

-I'm out of here! -No! You're not allowed to leave!

We need to get home.

You idiots!

If you ruin my deal, I'll kill you.

I'm coming too.

-Where are you going? -With you!

-Where? With me where? -To guard you.

-From what? From this little one? -No!

From what could happen in this castle.

Tea, listen to me carefully!

If you scare off my prey and I lose this little one,

you're going to take her place.

-And me? -You what?

-Can I come too? -Where, man?

-Am I not coming? -Hey!

Luck, you stay here, and if someone comes asking about us,

tell them we're in the bathroom.

-Love? -What do you want, man?

-I have an idea! -Speak!

It's better if I stay here.

If someone comes, I'll say you guys went to the bathroom.

Great idea! Bravo! Very good!

I'll keep Vivică here too.

My bodyguard.

So far, we've drunk…

with enthusiasm.

A healthy mind…

I'd like to be healthy, but if you can't do this, I'm okay like this.

- Get out of here. - Love?

-Go, man! -Love!

Love is what I want to do with this girl. If only you'd let me, Tea, please!

-I want to watch. -Shush.

-Who are you shushing? -What are you doing?

You're scaring off my prey. Are you stupid? Sorry!

Hey, Love, I want to tell you something.

Hey, Love, I want to tell you something. Listen to me for a bit.

-Speak, but quickly and quietly. -Hey, Love, I found a spot here…

-… where I feel most appreciated. -Perfect, stay here.

I'll go with Zia.

-And I'll come back and show you. -But you know what?

I feel bad for Luck, man. He misses his mom.

It's his mother, Tea!

Exactly! He misses his mother, man!

And if I leave…

who's waiting for me at home, man?

Nobody!

You've got… Mina.

Mina.

Yeah, but she's Beyoncé, and I'm Dr. Dre. Love!

Who am I, Love?

Who am I? I'm a prisoner. Born in prison.

What am I? A gypsy born in prison.

You're not a gypsy, you're my brother. You're my life, Tea.

-And you're my brother. -You're my gypsy brother.

-You're a gypsy… -Listen…

We're screwed!

Soldier!

I'm fine.

I'm fine!

You can go!

Men…

-Come. -Is he gone?

What were you saying?

That you'd protect me! I'm coming with you, Love!

If anyone comes, bang, bang.

I wanted to do a push-up to warm up before I give him a punch.

Listen, hit this wall and when I get back from Zia,

we'll talk more, alright?

-Please! -I'm coming with you.

Man, you're seriously stupid!

This girl told you there's a door you need to enter, it's super nice there.

Go to that door!

Tea, I'm begging you, leave me alone!

Hey, Love, you're always changing! We were like brothers, man!

Man, we are like brothers! We used to share everything!

-We even shared salami, man! -You idiot! Salami! Not princesses!

Are you retarded? Please, I'm begging you!

Good luck!

Love, but you'll tell me how it went.

Of course, I'll will.

Zia.

Nerva.

Hello!

Who's here?

Turn around.

Come here!

It feels so good!

So good.

You smell so nice…

Oh God…

If I had known Heaven looked like this…

I'd have died a long time ago.

I'd have died.

Can I listen to your heart?

Please.

How far are you taking me?

Oh, man!

You're…

How was it? I took Latin for nothing!

You are pure!

You are pure!

Pure.

Can I… take your clothes off?

Thank you, mother!

My Latin.

They tied it so it won't fall off.

I've got another one.

Just a moment… You are pure!

Oh, you know how to… You know how to take it off?

You know how to take it off?

I can't.

You're too beautiful.

You're a princess, I can't disrespect you, I can't.

I've disrespected all girls from my country, you know?

But with you, I can't, I simply can't.

You don't know my story. My story is…

I'm a knight.

I have several princesses I take care of.

I love them, I protect them,

I defend them from other knights who want to come

and love them without paying.

Those degenerates!

And now, when I saw you and…

I saw you and…

I kissed you…

The first thought I had in my head was…

How to send you to Germany.

That means I've fallen in love, you know?

What would you understand? You don't know my language.

I'm a bastard.

A bastard.

And you, a virgin!

I'm not a virgin.

I'm not a virgin.

Wait, that changes everything!

Let me change your view of men.

You surprise me!

Can you do that too?

And that's why my brother doesn't talk to me.

He left with…

With my wife, can you believe it?

It's going to be okay. It is.

And that's why my psychologist told me I collect things.

And that's why I'm constipated, because I hold onto everything.

Not to lose anything.

Three million.

From my personal collection.

They're serialized.

Go directly to get your child.

Sure!

Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

May God bless you and give you only healthy and beautiful children.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You disgust me, you've been crying in my lap for three hours.

Good job, Tina!

The money and the diamond. That's how it's done.

Did I disturb you?

Did you forget something?

Excuse me!

The stone.

I forgot to tell you about the stone,

it's been causing me pain since I was four.

We were poor and didn't have money to go to the doctor to…

The diamond.

Ah, yes.

He didn't forget! He can eat my ass!

Because you can't have both of them, right?

Did you say something?

Good health! Health and luck and everything good.

God willing!

I've fallen in love with you!

How could you not?

Who is it? Your father!

Father!

What are you doing here?

Where is he?

Where is who?

Don't play dumb!

You know very well who!

The bastard!

There's no one here.

There's no one here!

There's no one here!

Leave!

Leave!

I'm tired!

Has he left?

I swear I don't understand why I'm afraid of that little dwarf, your father.

He's only this tall!

If the guards catch me, I'm done for! Listen, I'd rather go to prison.

I'm better off there. Peaceful, you know?

I want to leave!

Oh, my!

-Zia! -Leave!

It's not "I want to leave!" "I want us to leave!"!

Leave!

My love, come here!

Come here!

But what got you so worked up, my love? You're so strong. What do you eat?

Why are you mad at me, huh?

My love!

My love!

I'll make peace with you. My love!

Your eyes

remind me how much we loved each other.

And how…

Like kids we held each other

I remember when you told me

That you love me

And I don't understand

Why you're leaving me.

I live…

I live defiant, I live… what was it?

I live defiant or compliant, it's all the same to you anyway…

It doesn't even matter, my love.

It doesn't matter, my love.

I love you.

All women fall for poetry.

Father!

You picked the worst time to come in! Crazy dwarf!

Nerva, know this, I have the best intentions with your daughter.

Some of them I even acted upon just now.

Know this, she's very beautiful,

You're beautiful and I don't understand

how from this miserable body of yours came such a gorgeous girl.

She wanted it. She pulled me. At first, she wanted it.

Then it all went smoothly, you know? Kisses, take care of yourself!

-Bastard! -Bastard!

Wait, guys!

Zia, I'll remember you for the rest of my life,

which isn't much longer.

Bastard!

Bastard!

If you give me something to drink, I'll help you cut your hair.

Get the hell out of here! You made our teleportation liquid!

Of telebordation.

-Nerva, goodbye! -Nerva, goodbye!

THE CHAOS

The commission.

IS NOT OVER

We have to go before they come. Now!

-The diamond? -I give him the fake one.

Don't speak, don't move!

We've teleported back to the dinosaur era.

THE PRESENT

BRINGS

Why did you follow me?

ONLY TROUBLE

Wait! We have to leave with the right foot.

Tores.

Soldiers!

-Mommy, it's me! -I thought you died.

I was lucky, I didn't die.

I wasn't.

Where could you find a diamond worth 20 million?

At a jeweler.

You're funny!

Right.

No.

I wonder where the bag of money is.

Here you go.

What the hell are you doing?

I'll leave you in good hands, but first, I'm going to eat some pizza.

Enjoy!

-Which way should we go? -Where the arrow points!

How's your mother doing? Is she okay?

God forbid, to do something in your life.

I like that you're staying positive. You know what I mean?

Freedom!

How tall are you? Can we measure each other? Sorry!

Water.

DON'T MISS

You're all very funny!

THE END

The money and the diamond.

OF THE ADVENTURE

This won't bring your wife back.

Man, did you shoot me?

-Ouch! -This guy's mocking me, I swear!

You all shit yourselves, didn't you?