Original subtitles

♪

(audience cheering)

Roger Laughingstick: This is the first time

that Grouse Lake has ever

scored a single point against Big Grand Rapids

in the fifty years of this tournament!

♪

(whistle blowing)

No point.

Paul's stomach touched the net.

- (cheering) - Are you serious?!

Roger Laughingstick: There it is, folks.

Once again, the Grouse Lake team

has shat its shorts.

It's okay, man. We'll get that one point next year.

There's not gonna be a next year 'cause I quit!

And now, it looks like Paul - a known quitter - is quitting.

I can believe it!

♪ Yes, I can love you baby ♪

♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪

(gravelly voice:) It's that time, bro.

We're getting the team back together.

Those... Big Grand Rapid rejects owe us a point

and it's time to collect.

(gravelly voice:) I don't know if you heard,

I don't play volleyball anymore.

This quad, these tools,

working with these hands...

this is the life that I live now.

I don't need you to play, bro.

I need you to coach.

You're gonna have to find someone else!

Your talents are wasted here, bro.

At least... think about it.

Roger Laughingstick (in memory:) Once again,

Grouse Lake has shat its shorts.

(gravelly voice continues:) It's all I do,

is think about it.

(gravelly voice continues:) This time will be different.

I said-- (coughing)

(regular voice:) I said just find someone else, man!

(regular voice:) Yeah, man.

Hey there, Chief Jo, Rose.

You coming to the Best Friend sale at the North Store?

Oh, really?

Yeah. Bring in your best friend

and you get to a free foot-long hot dog.

It's all there on the flyer.

Let's go get a hot dog, Rose.

Uh, sorry, Jo. I already got mine.

- What? - I took Stephen Harper.

He loves foot-long hot dogs.

Wait a second.

Uh, I thought we were best friends.

I'm more of, like, your work wife.

Your best friend is Lips.

Oh, fok off.

Good time for me to get a coffee.

Everyone knows you and Lips are BFFs.

I mean, like, everyone calls you 'Jips'.

Jo, Lips - Jips.

I never before fokin' heard that in my life.

So, we gonna get that free hot dog for Jips?

You too? Why would you think Lips is my best friend?

(woman singing sentimental song in foreign language)

♪

Lips isn't my best friend.

I play pat-a-cake with...

lots of people!

No point. Paul's stomach touched the net.

One point.

- No point. - Just one!

- No point. - One... point.

No point.

- Here you go, Jo. - What are those for?

Oh, nothing. Just wanted to do something quick

for your twelve-year work anniversary.

(whispering:) Just them down and get out of here.

See?

This is something a best friend would do.

Can you believe it, Lips? People think we're best friends.

We are best friends.

No. We're-- we're just work buddies.

Okay then, we're work buddies.

I'll say whatever you want because I'm your best friend.

I have plenty of best friends.

In fact, I-I gotta go see one of them.

Her name's Jennifer.

We're so tight that people call us 'J-J-J-Jennifer'.

I have plenty of best friends!

Are you okay, Lips?

Looking good, guys. Looking good.

Now, bring it in.

Coach... is here!

Take a knee!

- I'll help him. - Paul: Ahh!

He's gotta wanna do this on his own!

Pay attention to your new coach.

He's gonna take us to the one-point promised land.

Winners...

all gotta make sacrifices!

So, that's why you're all...

giving up your spot on the team.

Ever slack!

Paul: If we... want that one point,

we're gonna need better players.

I'm proud of all y'all.

You guys are all champions!

Dean...

get me a new team.

Ahh!

He's gotta wanna do it himself.

Get out of here, Ed.

Jennifer! It's me, Jo!

You know, 'J-J-J-Jennifer'?

What's up, Chief? You here for some cold cuts?

I can do sliced or shaved.

No, Bruce, I don't need any meat.

Jo, then, why are you here? Is everything okay?

I'm looking for my best friend.

Lips is at the post office.

No! Ugh! Jennifer! This is her house?

Jo, she left for the city, like, two weeks ago.

I'm housesitting.

Oh, yeah!

Well, she does that thing... um...

You mean her heart surgery?

Heart surgery? Is she okay?

I mean, of course. I just talked to her yesterday.

You want to lie to me, I get it.

You want to lie to my loaf, fine.

But stop lying to yourself.

I'm not.

Can't just be some door-to-door liar.

Okay, then.

You're the one holding an unpackaged loaf of meat,

all skin-to-skin like,

like a mother and her baby.

With all due respect, it's time for you to go, Chief.

So, this is our new team, eh?

Mm-hmm. This is Tammy -

fastest legs on this side of the lake.

She outran a running moose when she was five.

Now, she just taunts them into chasing her.

Oh.

To this day, she still has not been caught.

Ricky - born deep in the muskeg by bush people.

Strongest arms I've ever seen.

The only problem is he doesn't speak a word of English.

I speak English no problem.

- See what I mean? Bush talk. - I understand.

Dean: Eldon - chased him away earlier

because I thought he was the slender man.

To be honest, I'm still not sure.

That guy gives me the willies.

And what is this I'm looking at?

Scoops. Found him outside, chewing diapers out of my trash.

Took him inside and we watched all the Volley Dog movies.

Tossed him a ball, see what he's got.

Turns out he's fuckin' natural, bro.

Listen carefully!

Practice...

will begin at 4 a.m.!

I will show up

five or six hours after that,

and by then, you would have walked around Grouse Lake

with giant logs on your shoulders

to represent how important

this one point is!

We're gonna do this every single day

until game day!

Now some of you will not make it,

but that's just the way it's gotta be.

The game's tomorrow, man.

Then, why don't you get at it, then?

Fuck this. We're gonna go play for Big Grand Rapids.

Team: Yeah.

You guys quit?! Ha-ha! No! I quit!

I'm off the team!

Roger Laughingstick: This is Laughingstick in the Morning,

and I'm either smelling competition in the air

or Sydney needs his septic tank emptied.

Whatever it is,

the annual volleyball game against Big Grand Rapids

is coming up and Dean's team is in a tough spot

after everyone quit.

(gravelly voice:) Hey, bro,

I know you're going through a lot,

but there's a community out there that's counting on us

to get that one point.

You think that I don't think about that

every single day?

(gravelly voice:) So, what are you gonna do?

Live a life of solitude,

tinkering with your stupid fucking quad?

(gravelly voice:) Don't you ever talk about my quads like that!

There it is! There's the Paul fire

we all need.

I told you,

find someone else.

Fine,

but I'll leave you with this:

the path to one point is very hard,

but a life full of regret...

is even harder.

(grunting)

Fuck this, we're gonna go play for Big Grand Rapids.

One point!

Fuck this, we're gonna go play for Big Grand Rapids.

Just one point!

Fuck this, we're gonna go play for Big Grand Rapids.

Hey, Mom.

Jo. Aww. How's my favourite tea?

Good. I was just wondering,

do you want to come over and bead and watch a movie with me

after you're done work?

Uh, why would we do that?

Because you're my best friend.

(laughing) Sorry, what?

We're best friends.

(chuckling)

Oh... Oh, you're so cute.

And Jo, you're my daughter.

We're not best friends.

Some moms are best friends with their daughters.

Sure. Those people are sickos.

Aww.

I'm your parent; I'm not your buddy.

Okay, already.

Besides, Lips is your best friend.

Hey, bestie. You forgot your purse.

And I bought you some sunscreen.

It's going to get hot out this week.

Hey, Greg?

- Yeah? - Make us our damn hot dog.

Well, hot diggity dog.

♪

You're probably wondering why I cut you

and then asked you guys to come back.

No, numbnuts. Your new team quit.

That was a test.

And guess what?

You all passed.

I heard they're playing for Big Grand Rapids.

Ed, take a lap!

I only cut you guys because I wanted to break you down,

so I can build you back up.

Guess what time it is?

Build-up time.

- As if. - Yeah, you think so?

Guess what? Ed, you're doing another lap!

And for the rest of you,

get in line! I want to see you guys serve!

Shit, Ed, are you okay?

No, no, no, no! He's got to want to do this on his own.

But he might have a concussion.

Okay, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, you finish his laps!

In fact, the whole team finishes his laps!

Come on, Ed. Let's go, Ed.

Get up, Ed.

Yes! Now, do a lap, Ed!

♪

Lips,

I can't believe I fought against you being my best friend.

Oh. Those go over there.

You were right in front of me the entire time,

always asking me how my day is.

Oh, no. Actually, those-- those go over there, you know?

And when I say "best friend", I mean best... friend,

like, number one, top of the list.

Oh, hey, could you grab this rake

and uh, take down that wasps' nest?

Like, what else am I in denial about in my life?

Maybe I like jazz music, you know?

(wasps buzzing)

Like, I could be a jazz girl,

like... jazz.

Oh... Lips, we could have been best friends for years.

Do you know how easy that would have made my life?

Jo, I'm starting to think that you're taking advantage of me.

Okay.

As your best friend, I would never want to do that.

It's okay. As your best friend, I forgive you.

Good!

After you're done mowing the lawn,

I could do something nice for you.

You're too slow!

You guys are no good!

Fuck you! We'd have that one point,

if it wasn't for your big stomach.

Ed! Why are you looking all sad-arse?

Just that my dad said he was gonna come watch practice

and he never showed up.

Your dad?

That ball hit him in the head pretty hard.

Ed: He's always got work.

He flies planes.

Maybe take it easy on him.

Take it easy?

One point just doesn't grow on trees!

I have an idea.

Oh, Chicken Legs has an idea.

Instead of trying to get points on our own,

why don't we just distract them into missing?

Like, one of their guys serves,

and someone whips down their pants

and distracts them and we get the one point?

Yeah, I guess.

You just recommended

showing your little volleyballs to the other team.

And guess what? Lap!

Hey, man, I think he's on to something.

Dean, take a lap!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where-- where you guys going?

We quit.

- You too? - Kid had a good idea, man.

Fine!

You can quit 'cause I... am the one that quits.

I quit...

from stopping you guys from quitting!

Paul: Hey! (chuckling)

I knew I'd find you guys here.

What do you want, man?

This one point isn't going to score itself!

We're done with volleyball... forever.

Working on your shitty machines is our life now.

My daddy flies on planes.

He should be here any minute now.

I'm sorry, you guys.

If y'all come back, I'd be willing

to give Sterling's distraction idea a shot.

Look at this quad. Use it as a metaphor.

It only works, if we work on it together.

(engine revving)

We're back in, bro!

Let's all ride to the gym together!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Hey! Everybody off!

Everybody off! We're gonna walk.

This is bullshit!

Come on, we'll walk as a team.

Roger Laughingstick: And here we are, game day.

Can Paul and Dean's team get one point and make history,

or will they continue to suck,

like all the other teams before them?

What the fuck, man?

(whistle blaring)

Everybody, huddle up!

Look, they might be bigger than you,

they might be stronger, they might be faster,

they might be better looking than you,

and they get way more likes on social media!

Those are great people.

They're the kind of people that you would want

to drop everything to help!

But remember...

they're from Big Grand Rapids.

So, we're gonna go out there

and we're gonna shove those rapids

right up their grand arses!

Yeah, let's make my daddy proud. He's coming to watch me.

Ed, your dad's not coming, man.

Even if he was still alive, he'd be like 147 years old.

You don't talk about my daddy.

(whistle blaring)

(audience groaning)

Should be another quick one.

(knocking) Can I talk to you?

Anything for you.

I got to let you go, Grand Chief.

What can I do for you, best friend?

Well, I, uh...

I don't think I can be your best friend.

- What? - I mean...

I don't like being best friends with this Jo.

I miss the old Jo.

Well, I miss when people came in here and made some damn sense.

What dumb shit is coming out those lips, Lips?

See? That Jo.

You're confusing me.

Okay, before Greg's hot dog sale, we just were best friends.

We didn't have to think about it.

- Okay... - But after the hot dogs,

we were trying to figure out how to be best friends,

but we already were.

Lips... that's real profound.

Actually, somebody just spray painted that

all over the school wall.

Well, let's go get those little philosophical fuckers.

I'll drive.

Roger Laughingstick: And just like we all thought,

Big Grand Rapids is crushing Grouse Lake,

who have yet to score one single point.

We're in the fifth and final set and time is running out.

Does Coach Paul have anything up his sleeves

other than his arms?!

I doubt it.

Ed, focus!

Sorry, I was looking for my dad.

- Paul: Time out! - (whistle blaring)

Sterling, we're gonna try that distraction idea.

All right.

(audience groaning)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(audience groaning)

Roger Laughingstick: And here we are,

next point for Big Grand Rapids

puts Grouse Lake out of their misery.

Let's hope it's quick and painless.

Hey, buddy,

serve this.

Eww. Fuck, I think I saw his balls.

Roger Laughingstick: Out of bounds!

Point Grouse Lake!

Roger Laughingstick: They did it!

Audience: One point! One point!

The losers did it!

They got the single point!

(sobbing loudly)

(cheering)

They got the point!

Whoo!

The game's still not over!

Why don't you finish the game yourself, you losers!

One point! One point! One point!

Audience: One point! One point!

One point! One point!

That after party is gonna be deadly!

Dean: You need a ride, man?

Sorry, guys. My dad said he's picking me up.

Okay, Ed. You wait for your dad, then.

Yeah, man. You say hi to him for us, okay?

(car door opening)

(car door closing)

(engine revving)

Ed: Ugh, he's not coming.

Ed! Ed, where are you, boy?

I can't wait around anymore; I've got a plane to fly.

Okay, then.

♪

♪ They didn't want you to know ♪

♪ The truth about Bighorn and Wounded Knee ♪

♪ Sister told you about the heroes... ♪