Original subtitles

This better be the premium shit.

Come on, you know better.

How long have our families done business?

It's all good?

Fuck yeah.

You got your two-cuts, your nine-to-elevens,

your opaques, your greasies, your A-Bs, and your flats.

But, I gotta warn ya:

The flats, not that flat.

- It's all there. - And remember...

I wasn't here.

Agnes: As far back as I can remember,

I always wanted to be a beader.

For me, being a beader is better than being Chief.

I can go anywhere, I can bead anything.

I know everybody, and everyone knows

my medallions.

People look at me differently

when they see my beadwork.

I don't have to wait in line for food at feasts anymore.

And when I leave the store,

rez dogs carry my groceries home.

You know why?

Out of respect.

♪ 'Cause I can love you Baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪

That was Johnny Toboggan from Pukatawagan

with their "No Shoes Blues."

And you're listening to Laughingstick in the morning.

Ahh.

Woke up with an itchy hand,

so I either need to get to the nursing station,

or get me a lottery ticket.

While I'm out,

here's The Ever Sick Band

with Jard Jard Bannock and Lard.

♪

You ready?

Yeah, man.

Ha!

Ohhh-poooo-git!

(exhaling deeply)

(inhaling sharply) Huah!

Oh, your water karate's gettin' so much better.

Just like Van Damme, eh bro?

Huah, ha!

You're hittin' the water, you moo'jeet!

Funny thing about the water is, ah...

It don't hit back.

Easy there, swim shirt.

This, ha!

You thought I was swimmin' in this?

Joke's on you, bruh.

- Jarr'd! - Dean: That's crazy, bro.

You gotta wait at least...

Thirty minutes till after you eat,

otherwise, you're gonna cramp.

(laughing)

Only pregnant women get cramps, bro!

It's the golden rule of swimming.

That's how Orville Redenbacher died.

Oh yeah?

Well, watch me pop off!

Bro, you're gonna cramp!

I'm not gonna cramp!

(splash)

Ah, I'm fuckin' cramping!

Help! (splash)

(heroic music playing)

(Paul yelling and sputtering)

PAUL: You guys shoulda warned me!

Where's my sandwich?! Is my sub okay?

- Gimme back my sub! - Dean: You finished it, bro.

(Paul gasping loudly)

I got the whole thing!

Dean, you're a hero!

It's the karate, bro.

(Paul panting weakly)

- You're okay. - Where's my mom?!

Ohh!

Hey!

You're here for your Kitty Scratch?

Oh yeah.

This cat's gotta scratch.

(Agnes laughing)

Come meow!

- Mm...? - I'm feeling

that one!

Right there!

From my lucky spot!

I said that one, Agnes!

I have a feeling about this one.

I had a vision of you

in a swimming pool full of soniyaw.

Really?

I too had that vision!

It's calling your name.

Reel it in, Kookum.

- Don't fuck us. - Scratch me!

You know what?

What the heck!

(laughing)

Papa needs a new van!

Mm!

- Kitty paws. - Mm hmm.

- Two kitty paws! - (chuckles)

Ho'leh!

Agnes: Ooh!

Ho'leh!

I won!

Five hundred thousand!

Hot dog!

Agnes: Sign it, and I'll call it in.

Just leave it here, and the money will come.

Whoooo!

Laughingstick!

(laughing)

The fake ticket worked!

(cackling)

Can you believe that nut sack?!

That'll teach him to cancel bingo.

(laughing)

♪

Kiss me, Creator.

I just won 500,000 big ones

from a Kitty Scratch at the North Store!

What am I gonna do with it?

It's too early to tell.

Why don't you call in,

and tell me how you'd blow it all?

(phone ringing)

Hello, you're on the air.

Rita: I'd get butt implants.

I want the biggest cheeks money can buy!

A real two-seater.

(sighing) Oh, Chickadee.

Roger: You do you, Rita.

Rose?

Chickadee left her bag behind,

I'm gonna go drop it off.

Rose?

(RC truck humming)

The 'fok'?!

Out of the way, (speaking Anishanaabemowin).

- What do ya want, Beanpole? - It's Mavis.

I wanna rent the gym out to race my RC car.

Get lost!

The gym is for community events.

Well, I have a form right here.

(RC truck humming)

I'm not approving that!

(RC truck humming, Jo sighing angrily)

Jo: Seriously?!

(sighing angrily)

What...?

Kitty Scratch?

(growling) That little shit!

(RC truck humming)

♪

♪ A beautiful thing ♪

♪

Hey, Dean.

Tell me again, how'd you find the strength

to carry such a large man?

Paul: Pssh!

You don't even weigh anything in the water!

How do you think boats do it, ya dumbass?

Like I said. Something just came over me, and I became...

- Van Damme. - Paul: Pfft, Van Damme?!

More like...

Canned ham!

Hey, I'm telling you, bro.

If someone shot a rocket at me,

I'd do the splits right over it.

Do the splits, then!

Come on, let's see you do the splits, then!

Hey, Dean, let's watch the video on the big screen.

Yeah!

Oh, huh!

All talk about them splits, eh?

- Thought so, huh! - Dean: Man!

- You look cool, dude. - Thanks, bro.

(screaming and splashing from TV)

Paul: I can't move my legs!

(screaming and splashing Whatcha doin'?

I thought, we haven't been camping in a while,

and I really missed that.

- Get in. - But you hate camping.

Last time,

you set your bra on fire

trying to kill a tick off your back.

No, no, I don't remember that.

I have a picture.

I told you to delete that!

We're going camping!

Get your little arse in the truck!

Come on, we'll have fun.

♪

(engine starting)

(screaming from TV)

Agnes: Dean!

I saw the video!

Ma!

You saved my boy!

- And you, the video. - (Brady chuckling)

It has 300 watchings on the internet.

Paul: Pfft, as if.

Nobody even uses the internet anymore!

Brady: Dean, Dean the save'n machine!

Check out these comments.

- "Best rescue ever!" - Paul: Pssh.

I've seen way better rescues.

Dean: "This guy's water karate sucks?!"

- Agnes: Mm. - What?!

Oh, wait till that hater sees we made

The Walking Eagle.

(Agnes gasps)

The Walking Eagle News, what?!

(laughing mockingly)

Nobody reads newspapers anymore!

Brady: Hey, hero discount at the store.

- Mm hmm. - Everything's on me!

All right!

Why is Dean getting all the credit

when I'm the one that almost drowned?!

That's the water in your brain talking.

Ma!

And don't try and use that chair for sympathy.

It was the nurse that gave me this chair.

I guess she's my new mom!

(yelling and splashing from phone)

- Ah, look at Paul. - (all laughing)

Paul (echoing): Is my sub okay?

Ma, this isn't the way.

Ma.

This isn't the way.

Badlands?

The fuck?

You think I'm at risk?!

Show you at risk.

Don't you dare,

little Miss Kitty Scratch!

Shit.

Paul: You wanted to see us, Chief?

What's with the sling?

Dean was just real rough with me in the water.

This guy is a real drag, right?

Drowner, more like a downer?

- (laughing) - Totally.

So, Dean, I don't know if you know this,

but this award has only been given to two people

in the history of Grouse Lake.

The first

fought in World War II.

The second was me!

Because as you know,

becoming chief saved this community

from a real bad vibe.

For your act of heroism,

this medallion

now belongs to you.

- (Dean gasps softly) - For saving

- Captain Bums-Me-Out over here. - Dean: Deadly!

You gotta be kidding me.

And Brady,

for keeping calm while filming the rescue,

you put Grouse Lake on the map

by getting us in the illustrious

Walking Eagle News.

For that, you get a Witness Award.

- Oh, cool! - Chief DeeDee: Yeah!

Dean: Just think of it:

Before, we were three nobodies.

Now, we're two heroes.

This is some bullshit!

I actually have something for you, Paul.

This just came to me.

Y'all are gettin' a world premiere!

Ahh!

♪ Dean is a real hero ♪

♪ It's true ♪

He saved a real buzz kill.

♪ But was it the right thing to do? ♪

♪ Oooooh ooo-ooo-oo ♪

Well I got a new favourite song.

(guitar wailing)

(guitar echoing)

Oh great.

The skinny bunch is here.

Well, well, well.

Look who it is.

Jo: Beanpole?

Is that you with a dreamcatcher

cascading on the back of your head?

Where's Gramps McKay, I thought he was running this?

Well you thought stupid.

He's away getting his colon flushed.

Ew.

Welcome to Badlands.

I am your leader,

but think of me merely

as a conduit to the Creator.

I will be giving you your daily dose of vitamin C.

FYI, the C stands for "Creator."

(Jo grunting) Real sacred, this one.

Why you talking like that, Ma?

You did this to us.

(coins rattling, classical music playing)

(in posh voice): You're listening to

Moneybags in the muskeg.

I'm not saying I'm special or anything,

but most folks would have quit their jobs

after winning 500 Gs,

but not this ol' neech'.

I coulda bought 17 ATVs,

but I just got one van.

(phone ringing) Oh!

We have a caller.

Go ahead.

You're on the air with Moneybags.

Rita: You get that money, or what?

I heard you don't even have it yet.

Not yet Rita.

But don't you worry.

It's comin', baby.

Rita: Well, if you're taking requests,

play Dean's rescue video, then.

I can't play a video, Rita.

Rita: Mn'ehh!

Aho!

We are all here today as one,

for the same reason:

To connect to the land.

- Right sister, Jo? - Don't you have some

dinky cars to play with?

Take me, for example:

I got my nickname Beanpole in cruelty many moons ago,

when I was but a skinny teen,

like all of you,

sitting before me.

Who gave me that nickname?

She is with us here, today.

Real long time ago that was, Beanpole!

That nickname was meant to inflict pain.

But I embraced it, for the beanpole

supports the plant as it grows,

just like I support all of you beansprouts.

(flies buzzing)

Speaking of growth,

our sister Jo gave me a sacred wedgie

from the four directions at recess one time.

(Jo and teens laughing)

We mustn't laugh.

We must support Sister Jo in her growth.

Our ancestors will be proud of you too one day,

just as they are of me.

(celestial music plays, birds screech)

(sighing heavily)

(bird screeches)

(breathing raggedly)

Paul needs the medallion.

Paul...

Loves the medallion.

(eerie music playing)

Paul...

Wants the medallion.

(Indigenous music playing)

(Paul growling softly)

(Indigenous music intensifying)

(growling)

(Indigenous music intensifying, stops)

Paul: Sweet dreams...

My sweet hero.

For now.

(eerie music playing)

(birds screeching)

Lean-tos will protect you

from the elements out in the bush.

Our white brothers like to think

they came up with them,

but our people have been using them

since "time and memorial."

Now Jo,

get up here and show our future leaders

how you would make one, as an alleged leader.

Jo: What?

Just do it.

What?!

You're gonna use that branch?

Yeah?

That's fine if you want the wind blowing on you

all night.

Ahh, is this a joke?

You wouldn't survive one night out here on your own!

Chickadee: Yo, is this what it's supposed to look like?

Sick!

That's the best, Chickadee.

You're a natural.

You could teach your dead weight mum a few things.

Oh, fuck off.

How long I gotta be

doin' this for?

'Til you get tired!

Fok, boy, I'm tired.

- What is this movie? - Paul: Don't worry about it!

How's that sub sitting with you, heh?

Starting to feel it now, man.

Good.

Mavis: You know, beansprouts.

Just like me, the grouse is an underestimated opponent.

To hunt it,

you need to be stealth-like.

Aho.

(elastic twanging)

It's also the dumbest bird in the bush.

It'll walk right up to you,

and you can kick it in the face.

(boys chuckling)

I actually like this shit,

and you two old bags are ruining it.

I get it, but can you at least admit

how much she sucks?

Can you two just get along

so we can kick some birds in the face?

I'm sorry, Beanpole!

Sorry Jo, can you apologize louder?

Hey, you kids wanna hear a funny story about Beanpole?

Just let it go.

No, I'm good.

Once upon a time,

there was a little grouse who ate

too many bush berries when she was a kid,

and shit her pants, right in front of everybody.

Funny thing is, she kept the nickname Beanpole

when "Drippy Gitch" was just as popular.

At least I didn't get caught kissing my cousin.

He was my second cousin!

Not the first time.

Kids, this is actually a good time to learn--

Kids?

(Ed splashing, gasping for air)

I'm starting to cramp!

Real good!

Help, I'm crampin' up!

I'm comin' to save you Ed!

Don't worry about it!

(straining)

Help!

- Don't drown yet! - Help!

Paul: I'm coming!

- Paul: I can't-- - Dean: I got you, Ed!

- Van Damme's got this. - No!

Nooo!

No, don't save him!

Anybody but you!

No, let him drown!

Just let him drown!

Ahh, I was supposed to save him!

(straining)

I can't get out of my chair!

I need help!

♪

(crackling)

Ah.

God job, you kids!

Yes, I'm hungry!

Beat it, both of youse.

This entire trip, you two have acted like little shits.

You said Badlands was to work on leadership.

Well, we're telling you

to lead yourselves outta here.

Get your own food.

And good luck hunting with your shit bush skills.

Mavis: But-- - Out.

- Paul: Don't drown yet! - Ed: Help!

- Paul: Stop it! - Dean: I've got you, Ed!

(splashing) Paul: No!

Don't save him!

Let him drown, just let him drown!

Ahh, I was supposed to save him!

So, uh...

Do I get an award, or what?

Ooh.

I feel that you maybe should be charged

with attempted murder!

Wait, what, no!

Uh... You know what,

I'm gonna get outta your hair.

You look super busy. (chuckling)

I'm gonna, I'm gonna skedaddle, you know?

I'm gonna go outside,

jump on my skidoo, and ske-de-de-daddle

right on out of here.

That's what the kids are saying.

I'm pretty good with the youth in this community.

Is it hot in here?!

Whoo!

That's not, not your fault, though.

I'm not blaming chief and council for that,

you guys don't control the weather.

It's nice, perfect weather.

I loooove chief and council,

I voted for you guys two times.

I'm not even allowed to vote!

I don't know--

Could you just get the hell out of here?

Yup.

I'm starving.

Here.

Last of the berries.

Look, uh...

I'm sorry, Beanpole.

Mavis.

Whatever, Jo.

If anything, we owe an apology to the youth.

(flies buzzing)

Yeah.

You're right.

Let's go.

Chickadee: Sterling, yesterday I thought you were a skinny shit

who can't do nothin'.

But now you're a skinny shit

who can cook the shit out of a grouse,

and build a deadly lean-to.

Thanks.

And that goes for the whole skinny bunch.

Y'all did good.

I'm proud of you dipshits.

(imitating Beanpole): Aho!

Look at that.

I taught them everything they know.

(stomach gurgling)

Ha!

Looks like Drippy Gitch is back in action!

You ate the berries, too!

(stomach gurgling) Oh shit.

(stomachs gurgling)

- Mavis: Ha! - Jo: Oh shit.

Both: Oh shit!

That's what you get!

(farting squeakily)

(hip-hop playing)

♪ Now we on top ♪

(in posh voice): That was "Count my Shoon-ia"

by Mc Moon-ia. (phone ringing)

And we have another fan waiting,

so go ahead.

You're on with Moneybags, bruh.

Chickadee: Hey Roger, it's Chickadee.

You didn't win the lottery, okay?

The Kitty Scratch ticket was a fake.

I made it.

Is that good, Mom?

Jo: Say sorry, then.

Chickadee: I am...sorry.

Fok!

The van!

Damn!

Unrelated,

why don't we open the phones here,

and you can tell me how to get out of a lease

on a brand new van you can't afford.

(phone ringing)

Go ahead.

- You're on. - Dean: Hey man.

Why don't you just torch it, bro?

♪ We came up from the bottom ♪

♪ Now we on top ♪ (We on top now!)

♪ The hustle never stop ♪ (It never stop!)

♪ I been grindin' I been workin' ♪

♪ Money yeah I got a lot ♪

(Got a lotta that, lotta that)

♪ Yeah we got a lot of that ♪

♪ We came up from the bottom ♪

♪ Now we on top ♪ (We on top now!)

♪ The hustle never stop ♪ (It never stop!)

♪ I been grindin' I been workin' ♪

♪ Money yeah I got a lot ♪

(I got a lotta that, lotta that)

♪ Yeah we got a lotta that ♪

♪ I am ahead of you lames ♪

♪ None of you'll ever get paid ♪

♪ Count on it every day ♪

♪ Can't get enough of the hate ♪

♪ Can't get enough of that love ♪

♪ And they show me respect

♪ When I roll on the rez ♪

♪ Yeah smokin' the best uh ♪

♪ So high that ♪

♪ I'm over your head. Whoa! ♪

♪ Homie you ready for smoke? ♪