Original subtitles

[both chuckling]

Marge, I love when you grab my butt with your cold, stiff fingers.

Homie, I'm not touching your butt.

-Ew. -Ew. Ew. Ew.

Save me, Baywatch!

[♪ Yellow Lotus theme playing]

[singer] ♪ Hot bodies and murder ♪

♪ Rich, sexy people behaving badly ♪

♪ Makes you feel better about ♪

-♪ Being broke and unknown ♪ -[sousaphone blows]

♪ Symbolic statues and endless brunch ♪

♪ How do they eat like that And still look great naked? ♪

♪ Are they on Ozempic? ♪

[ship horn blows]

The Yellow Lotus, a luxury five-star resort,

has opened its teakwood doors to Springfield's neediest minority,

the wealthy elite.

[chuckles] And in breaking news, this just in my mouth.

Mmm. Mmm.

[ship horn blows]

Are you sure this is the time-share we bought?

It's the exact same address.

We've been paying into it for ten years.

It just seems too good a place for us to have a reservation.

[gymnast] Whoa!

Hmm.

Read it and weep. For joy. 'Cause it's good.

Now, I'm legally forbidden to say

that this is a good investment, but this is a very good investment.

-[baby quickening] -[groans] Homer, I'm uncomfortable.

The baby's using my womb as a trampoline.

And Consumer Reports says time-shares are the worst investment in real estate.

Hey, I am not selling you real estate.

I'm selling you something that is much more valuable than property.

Points.

Hmm. Points, eh?

Points that you can trade in for a dream vacation anytime

except on blackout dates.

Your unborn children will inherit your points and your fees.

It's a steal for me.

Woo-hoo! Why, you.

Yeah, quick question.

Is he mooning me?

The baby's behind speaks for us all when it says we should leave now.

Well, of course. You're not prisoners.

But if you leave, you are breaking the law,

and you'll end up in prison unless you sign this contract.

[Kirk] Hmm.

[gasping]

Oh, no. My husband is having a severe allergic reaction.

He needs to get to the hospital immediately.

[Luann grunting]

[groaning]

[sighs] Another free breakfast.

And all I had to do was risk death. [chuckles]

[groans] Ow.

Homer, I see you eyeing this delicious croquembouche.

Eighty-five choux puffs.

You think I would sign a lifetime contract for a stupid dessert?

[laughs] Never again.

Not after Spectrum cable.

[♪ Patriotic music playing on boom box]

My friend, this is America.

Just because you can't possibly afford something

doesn't mean that you can't buy it.

Luxury vacations are not just for the rich and the famous.

They're for average schlubs like you.

Like me?

Of course.

Homer, what is more important? To feel rich or to be rich?

To be rich.

[sighs] Guess again.

To feel rich.

Exactly.

Now, sign or don't and commit your family to the worst life of all.

One with nothing to look forward to.

[mouthing] No. No.

Oh.

You get a free boom box.

-Done. -D'oh.

Huh?

But when can we use the time-share?

[chuckles] The answer to that is...

[♪ "The Waiting" playing]

♪ The waiting is the hardest part ♪

♪ Every day you see one more... ♪

[gasps] The croquembouche.

Homer, you were right.

I can't believe it.

The monthly fees, the maintenance fees, the fee-calculating fees.

-All worth it. -[glasses clink]

[dogs growling]

-Welcome, Mr. Burns. -[Smithers grunting]

Mr. Smithers.

Who's a good boy?

[barks]

Heel, heel. Stop biting my heel.

These dogs have been working hard and need a vacation.

They need to be pampered, pedicured and anally expressed twice a day.

Relax the hounds.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

Everything here is for guests only, including the view.

[grumbles]

-[clams clicking] -Howdy.

You can't do this to us.

We may not have much money, but we're rich in what counts around here.

Points.

Ah, yes. Right.

Well, that time-share company no longer owns this property.

But as a courtesy, we do honor those points.

[all gasp]

I'll see you at checkout.

[glasses clink]

This is going to be the most wonderful week of our lives.

[knocks on door]

Checkout time.

Back away from the minibar.

[Homer whimpers]

Uh, excuse me.

May I remind you we have accumulated 450 million points?

Which equals 20 minutes.

Your stay is over.

This room now belongs to Dr. and Mrs. Hibbert.

[Marge sighs]

Oh, you think you've won, eh?

We are taking the free shampoo.

[grumbles]

[grunting]

Stupid shampoo.

Why is everything I want to steal bolted down?

[grunts]

Checkmate.

Hmm.

We requested a sober room. No minibar.

My wife has gone a whole year without a drink.

Oh. Thank you, Julius.

Please tell everybody.

I won't mention how you have your nurse finish your operations

so you can go play golf.

[chuckles, gasps] Oops.

[chuckles]

[grumbles] Woman.

[pills rattle]

Well, don't worry about me.

I know how to cope perfectly well without drinking.

-I'm so glad I married a doctor. -[bottle clatters]

[sighs]

Welcome to the Yellow Lotus.

I'm Shauna.

You're Tasha.

Yes, I know my name.

Usually.

I also ordered a welcome massage.

Not Swedish, shiatsu.

Also, it hurts when I smile.

Can you help?

I love the Yellow Lotus resorts.

So many beautiful bodies, especially the dead ones.

Whatever I can do to help, let me know.

I have three connecting Diamond Lotus suites.

One for me, one for my husband and one for my luggage.

[ship horn blows]

That woman's luggage gets a room but we don't?

Is this why we defeated the Nazi zombies in Call of Duty: World at War?

We could sneak into the rich lady's luggage room and stay there for a week.

But Mom would never...

We are doing that.

Oh, I love it when you break bad.

Hey, how'd you get the key, boy?

The real question is not, "How did I get a key?"

But, "How did I get a machine that makes keys?"

He's got you there, Marge.

I didn't ask anything.

[Bart and Lisa cheering, laughing]

-[Bart] Higher. Higher. Ow. Too high. -[Lisa] Wee!

Marge, come here.

I have to show you something that I never dreamed was possible.

There's a TV in the mirror.

It's always been my dream to watch me watching TV.

-Wow. -[bed springs squeaking]

She's gotta be the happiest woman in the world.

[Tasha] Oh, you're always leaving me.

Where are you going now?

Another secret phone call?

[Sideshow Bob] She suspects nothing.

She won't know until the minute my hands are around her neck.

[cackling]

[beeps]

We have to warn that poor woman.

She's in danger.

But we're on vacation, and Bob's only an attempted murderer.

Attempted.

My ears are burning.

[all] Sideshow Bob!

Hello, Simpsons.

Bart.

Don't "Bart" me, man.

What's your evil plan this time?

I might ask the same of you.

I believe you and your sticky-fingered family

are squatting in a luxury suite meant for my wife's luggage.

How do we know you're not just after her money?

Now, Marge, that hurts.

I have my own fortune.

I invented a rake with a collapsible handle.

No more head bonks.

-[clatters] -[grunts]

[groaning]

Now, let's see what your options are.

A: you expose my past to my wife while I get you arrested for trespassing.

B: everyone keeps quiet and we all enjoy...

[Bart] Who am I to judge you, Bob?

Okay, fine. One week.

But if your wife turns up dead, even once, we're calling the cops.

[Tasha] Bob, who are you talking to?

Ah, my pet. [chuckles]

I was just doing vocalizations in the other room so I wouldn't disturb you.

Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots.

[vocalizing]

[vocalizing continues]

Well, I guess we're trusting the psychopath.

Sociopath.

Two distinct diagnoses with a slight touch of the narcissist.

[groans]

[Bart, Lisa laughing]

[Tasha] Hello.

Oh. [stammers]

Hi.

I see you're reading Barbra.

Yep. After I put it in my suitcase, I had no room for anything else.

I've got the audiobook.

I had to delete all the photos on my phone so I'd have enough memory.

Who needs my memories when I have Barbra's?

Let's listen together.

[grumbles]

[Lisa] You're it!

[Bart, Lisa laughing]

[gasps]

Kids, we're trying to be inconspicuous.

No problem.

-Marco. -[whispers] Polo.

-[softly] Marc... -[shouts] Polo!

You don't belong here.

[gasps]

This is an adults-only pool.

The hotel will take these kids off your hands for the rest of your trip, sir.

Oh, it's about time.

Thank you.

Polo! Whoo!

[guest screams] Jerk!

Ah. [swallows]

Excuse me.

I don't mean to bother, but can I please get a vegan option?

-[club worker sighs] -What the hell are you doing?

I mean, saying "excuse me" and "please".

Rich kids talk like that.

Hello?

Do I have to color in this drawing myself?

Inside the lines, dum-dum.

You'll never blend in, Lis.

[inhales, exhales]

You call these crudités? I want farm-to-table.

[club worker gasps]

Isn't it grand?

Our kids are getting spoiled in a way we could never afford.

Have you noticed something, Homer?

We're the only happy people here.

Wow.

Well, these rich jerks may not appreciate how good they have it, but we do.

And we're gonna have it all.

Do you have a masseur for the plus-sized man?

Oh, baby.

I'd like a full body sage scrub,

seaweed foot mask,

pumpkin face mask,

cedar oil hair mask and toxin release mud bath.

Ditto.

[sighs]

Mmm.

[dogs panting, grumbling]

-[hotel manager] We're clear. -[sighs]

Finally, I can relax.

[person] Somebody here is going to die.

[screams]

Who will it be?

The Poisoned Queen?

-The Suffering Toady? -Mmm.

Or is it the Hanged Bride?

[gasps]

Beware.

Beware?

Is it existential-crisis beware?

Or is it beware like the egg salad's gone bad?

[clicks tongue] Oh, don't worry.

These hotel fortune tellers are always fakes.

Mama, we need you in the kitchen, eh?

Just as I predicted.

Oh.

There's something I'm afraid I have to tell you.

Something bad.

Sounds like I'm gonna need a macaron.

Better take the whole plate.

I think you may be married to a murderous psychopath.

Sociopath.

[spits] What? That's crazy.

Bob married my sister for her money, and she has way less than you.

Well, I've got an ironclad prenup.

If we get divorced, Bob gets no money unless I'm murdered.

But he told me that's just boilerplate.

[piano playing]

♪ Killing her softly with my words ♪

♪ Ending her whole life with my knife ♪

♪ Choking her softly with rope ♪

And now for my next request, I'd like to ask security

to take out two trespassers who, not coincidentally,

went back on their word to me.

[gasps] You're still here?

Security!

-[Marge gasps] -[Homer muttering]

[Homer grunts]

[yelps] Throw spaghetti sauce in my eyes.

Oh.

That's better.

Oh, there she is again.

Doesn't a hotel manager have better things to do?

I have to protect the brand.

The brand!

Marge, do what I do.

[leaves rustling]

Damn it, Bernice.

Do you want to leave this resort in a body bag?

The only hard part will be getting her to the top of the cliff.

If the hounds don't taste blood soon, I fear they'll go mad.

-[dogs barking] -[Smithers grunts]

This resort is filled with psychos, murderers and mild neurotics.

Hey, my leg hurts. [grunts]

Whenever there's fog.

[gasps] Oh, my God, Marge.

It's the worst one of all.

Who here has ever wanted to take a vacation

and earn money at the same time?

[both scream]

[leaves rustle]

[humming]

You sold us a worthless time-share.

Uh, you're gonna have to narrow that down.

You remember this, huh?

Lady, do you know how many pregnant women I have defrauded?

That baby is now ten years old.

Oh, yeah. I'll never forget that ass.

You guys must have accumulated a hell of a lot of debt.

Look, I'm not in that business anymore, okay?

Now I get people out of time-share scams.

Is that also a scam?

Yeah. Much more profitable.

I'm going to do something now I should have done back then.

-[grunts] -Hey, I need that for evil.

You have some very bad karma, mister.

Ooh, ooh.

I have bad karma.

Oh, I'm so scared. [grunting]

Oh, please don't hurt me, Hindu gods.

[laughs]

Don't be a smart aleck.

When you do something bad, it always catches up with you.

Got you, moochers.

-Moochers? [tuts] -They're despicable.

I've been watching you all be miserable in paradise

and take everything for granted.

So you may be wealthier, but we're rich in what counts.

Points?

The ability to go on vacation and have fun without plotting to kill our loved ones.

And now, lady, I'm going to take in the view.

You know, Homie, the ferry doesn't come for a while.

-How about one last swim? -[chuckles]

[groans]

You've played me for a fool, Bernice, but no more.

There's only one way to end this.

-[grunts] -Oh, no.

[grunts]

-[whimpers] -I love you, Bernice,

and we're not coming down until you're clean.

Also, not until I figure out how to get this balloon back to land.

[Dr. Hibbert laughs]

No. Stop.

-Nice Dobermans. -[growling]

[barks]

Thank God I brought my spare bone.

D'oh!

For you, my darling.

[metal clinks]

[gasps]

Oh, wow.

All these secret phone calls were to arrange this?

[chuckles]

Like all sociopaths, all I really needed was the love of a good woman

and the proper medication.

Now, all I want to do is smother you with kisses

and set you ablaze with passion.

[both moaning]

Well, I'll be.

He's as great a husband as I am.

Now, my dear, may I serenade you with a divine Gilbert and Sullivan?

♪ A wandering minstrel, I ♪

♪ A thing of shreds and patches ♪

♪ Of ballet songs and snatches... ♪

-[grunts] -[yelps]

Tasha, why? [grunts]

-I'm a fast-cycling manic depressive. -[Sideshow Bob grunting]

Oh, no, Bob. What have I done?

[grunting continues]

[groans]

Bob.

Mel. My best to Krusty.

The three of us should have lunch.

Yes, but not this week. I'm doing a cleanse.

Ah, your colon will thank you.

So, I guess everyone's fine.

Except for the body.

[gasps] A shark.

[sighs] It's just an adorable little otter.

[growls, screeches]

[screaming]

Time-share salesman turned retired scoundrel Nick Callahan is dead,

leaving behind a fortune valued at 80 billion points.

[chuckling] In "otter" news...

-[growls] -My chai!

[♪ Yellow Lotus theme playing]

[singer] ♪ Once again We've seen rich people act despicably ♪

♪ And feel better about ourselves ♪

♪ Like Fantasy Island ♪

♪ And Glass Onion ♪

♪ And even Lord of the Flies ♪

Shh!