Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

I think Olwen might be dead.

57 hits and counting on the - Ponty Partners mobile app. - Never?!

Can I stay with you for a bit? - No. - I knew you wouldn't say no.

I want you to look after all the money, Zo, put it in your account.

What Luke said is true, I can't just stop being a dad to her.

You just don't want to be a husband to me?

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating

♪ I go weak inside

♪ La-la-la La-la-la

♪ La-la-la. ♪

Right, one touch. I've been doing one touch.

Yes.

Hey, Glen, go in goals for us a minute, will you?

All right, but on your head be it.

On your head be it, mate.

Volley!

Oh!

Sorry, Stel.

Now, Jackson, when Mammy's telling you a story, right,

like the Billy Goats Gruff, which I'm telling you,

you've got to try and listen, all right, babe?

OK, we'll start again.

Then this billy goat was like, "But it'll look lovely..."

This is Michael, leave a message.

Hi, Michael, it's me.

I've got some post for you here, presh,

so I'll just drop it in on my way to the hospital.

Hope you're OK.

Bye.

But the other billy goat was like, "I don't know, mate."

DOORBELL RINGS "I've got a bad feeling

"about that bridge."

Take me back, Boot.

No, thanks.

Beyonce,

your boyfriend's been pilfering Mrs Mackenzie's grave again.

Bugger off, Londis' finest, these.

Oh, someone's splashed out.

- Cheers, Bob. - Right, excuse me.

Are we back on then, Queen Bee?

In your dreams, Butt.

Can I have a fag then?

- All right, kid? - Hiya, love. Morning.

Keckers, you are blocking my doorway.

All right. Keep your cock on.

Sorry to come so early,

it's just that your Auntie Bren wants to sort Mam's scattering.

I'm thinking tomorrow morning up the mountain, 11ish OK for you?

Oh, no, I'm on the early shift tomorrow, sorry.

Couldn't you do your rounds a bit quicker, get away sooner, like?

I can barely get round the ward as it is.

Dying people are so selfish, make it all about them, you know?

Thanks for that.

Hey, I tell you what, why don't we do it this evening when I finish?

Er, no can do, kid.

Mam's busy tonight.

Mam...

- Nanna Kosh? - Care to expand?

Well, if you must know, I'm doing a seance.

Well, not me, Cheryl.

She's a big one for the spirits, is Cheryl.

She's going to contact Mam and ask her who my real father is.

You around later, Jag?

I thought I'd pop in after Jen's bongo class to go through

a few bits vis-a-vis the dating app.

Of course, and talking of dating...

You don't even have to ask, babe.

You can have three months app membership on the house.

Oh, no... It's the least we can do for all the help you've been.

You said yourself it's time to move on.

Well, Ponty Partners is your bus ticket to the next stop.

And we ain't talking Megabus, neither.

We're talking Megabus Gold.

So long!

Hope you're OK, bye.

Michael.

Do you think some women only hear what they want to hear?

No, that's all women.

And all men.

Basically we're a very self-motivated species

and absolutely hateful race.

Oh, full of the joy of springs this morning, I see?

Jag, I am living in a shitty little pub...

Shitty?..having walked away from a highly paid job

and glamorous new life in Dubai,

and I found out last week, as did everyone else in Pontyberry,

that I'm not the father of my baby girl.

Every negative must have a positive, my friend.

Forgive me, but I am struggling to find a positive in that one.

Have you read the biography of Mr Piers Morgan?

Strangely not.

You know, you may find it helps.

There's a chapter in there about looking for even

the tiniest of positives to focus on

when everything else has turned to flipping mush.

Right.

- - Hiya. - Good morning, Stella. - Stella.

Did you get my message? About the post? Yes.

Anyway, you didn't answer, so...

It doesn't matter.

Listen, I need a favour.

I had a call from the baby clinic just now.

They've had a cancellation, and they said Holly can go in for a checkup.

But it's at 11:30, and I can't make it, so...

do you reckon you could take her instead?

Do you know what we forgot, don't you? Cheesy fingers.

I'm not a lover myself but they're very moreish.

Never mind feeding them,

you shouldn't even be having them round in the first place.

Well, how else am I supposed to find out who my father was, Ken?

She wouldn't say when she was alive, why would she start talking now?

Oh, perhaps death has loosened her tongue.

Please, Bren,

you can't be meddling with things like this.

It's a sniff and whisker away from devil worship.

Oh, shut up, man,

why would Beelzebub give a shit about anyone in Pontyberry?

This is just a nice, little informal chat with our dead mother,

that's all.

What?

HE SIGHS

- See you later, babe. - See you.

You all right, bud?

Hi.

Was you a friend of my dad's?

You're Rob's son?

- Luke. - I'm Will.

Will Morgan.

Rob's younger brother.

- Shut up! - Hey, that's no way to talk to your uncle.

No way! Are you serious? What are you doing here?

Well, seeing as I didn't make the funeral,

I thought it was time to pay my respects.

So, here I am.

Thank you, Karen. Are you going to come home with Daddy now

and then we'll go to the park later?

Aw, how did it go?

Oh, thought you couldn't make it. Just got off now.

I'd have still been too late. All fine, got the notes here.

Thanks. Listen,

I'm on early lunch, I am.

Fancy getting a quick bite to eat?

Um... Yeah, sure.

Come on, then.

Any joy with the job-hunting?

Not yet, a couple of freelance possibilities, but nothing concrete.

Ah, well, something's bound to come along.

It's only been a week.

Listen, Michael, I wanted to ask you something.

You planned this lunch, didn't you?

Thing is, don't you think it would be nice if once, maybe twice a week,

you come over to the house for your tea,

get into some kind of routine till we know what's happening next?

Cos it would be good for Holly, you know,

if we keep doing stuff as a family, like.

Yeah, I suppose so.

What do you think, missus, hmm?

A good idea?

So, how about tonight?

This is surreal.

I'd known you'd argued, like, but he never said what about.

Is that why you didn't come - to the funeral? - Guilty.

Bloody idiots, the pair of us.

If it's any consolation, he never said a bad word about you to me.

- Really? - Well, I mean, he never said a word, good or bad, like,

- you get what I'm saying. - I do.

- Thanks, Luke. - Are you sticking around for long, then?

A day or two, maybe.

There's a pub that does rooms, - the Fox? - The Frisky Fox, yeah.

Listen, once you've settled in and that,

why don't you come over to the house, meet Zoe and the kids

and fill us in on the last God knows how many years?

- I'd like that. - Yeah, my mam would like see you and all.

Oh, Stella.

Love of my brother's life.

She was 16 the last time I saw her.

She's a bit older now.

Uncle Will Morgan!

Now, the Fox, is that - one down here? - Yeah.

And we need a block button on the app, I'm not being harsh,

but you've got to be able to stop uglies getting in touch,

especially if you're stunning like myself.

I think you are very attractive, - Nadine. - Exactly.

- Right. - Ah, I think that was it.

Oh, except to say that I've signed you up

and you've already got a couple of matches.

Oh, no, I didn't want you to do that.

Oh, that's just the nerves talking, Jag.

If you need some moral support, you can always double date.

Now, just so you know,

I've said on your profile fact you're into extreme sports

and you're 6'4", cos, let's face it,

no-one wants a boyfriend under 6'4".

But I am under 6'4".

So? She's not going to bring a tape measure with her, is she?

Oh!

Can I help you, my friend?

Oh, hi there. Yeah, I was wondering whether I could book a room?

Of course. Standard or premium? The premium is much more comfortable.

OK, I'll go with the premium.

Great. If you could just sign in with a guest card.

Jonesy, can I get the key to room number four, please?

Oh, my God!

- Who's that? - A customer.

Oh! He is like my perfect man.

Hot, brooding, and not afraid to go premium.

Didn't even ask the price.

Stunning.

Second thoughts, what is my password for this dating app?

Look, you are going over the road tonight, aren't you?

Because I don't want you buzzing around when Mike comes here.

Charming! Chucking me out on street like a bag of recycling.

We're baby-sitting for you.

Yeah, well, I'm out of here. Playing pool with my mate.

Back by 10:30, please, school night.

Oh, do I have to? Ah, you're hilarious.

- Hi, everyone. - Oh.

Yo, Jacko!

- Hi. - Hi.

Someone's put a fun-sized - Crunchie through the door. - Give it.

Keckers!

What the hell you playing at?

It's chocolate for Beyonce.

- Boncey, I loves you! - Just sod off, you grubby little dog.

HE WHINES

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.

Can I just say, I don't approve of this nonsense one jot.

- Evening. - Come in, come in!

Ignore my brother, he's a non-believer.

Ken, you're a fool.

What was that about fish, Nanna Pat? Oh, don't encourage her, man.

That's what I'm cockin' here for,

lost the kippers Terry the Fish gave me last week.

I know they're in the house somewhere.

Hoping the spirits can help her find them.

It was the best I could do last minute.

You need seven for a spiritual circle, apparently.

And as you wouldn't join in! No fear.

I've got better things to do with my time.

Toodle-pip.

-All right. - Hiya. Oh, sorry I'm late.

Stella took ages making my tea.

Right, never mind that, sit yourselves down.

- Is he all right? - Out like a light. Aw.

Come on, then.

Ooh.

Won't be long now before Billy's placed with his new family.

Have they found someone, then? Oh, nothing definite.

It's looking pretty positive.

Anyway, when he does go, I was wondering...

...how about you do come home?

Ooh, he hasn't said no, Stel, there's hope yet!

See, you can have our bedroom and I'll move into the boxroom.

Don't be ridiculous. I don't mind.

At least we'll all be under one roof.

DOOR OPENS Mum, you upstairs?

DOOR CLOSES

Think about it.

- Luke? - Aye-aye.

I've got a surprise for you, Mam, recognise this fella?

Er, no.

It's only THE Will Morgan.

Oh, my God!

I haven't seen you since you were this high.

Little Willy!

Oh, please don't use that nickname.

Sorry, presh.

Oh, my God, come here. It's so nice to see you!

How are you doing? Yeah, I'm great, thanks.

And you haven't changed a bit, Stella Kosh.

Jackson, actually.

Stella Jackson. I'm her husband, - Michael. - Hiya, Mike.

Didn't realise you was here.

Michael Jackson? I know, mad, isn't it?

Michael, this is my Uncle Will, Rob's brother.

Oh, right. Good to meet you.

Don't just stand there, can I get you something to drink?

Zoe, do the kids wants something?

Yeah, go on, they'll have a juice.

Now, who's hoping to reach out to a loved one tonight?

I'm after my Auntie Jackie's curried sausage recipe, I am.

Quite specific!

But we'll give it a pop.

When did Auntie Jackie pass over?

She ain't dead.

No, she moved up Tredegar when her and my mam fell out.

They don't speak no more, so,

I was hoping she'd shared the recipe with my Granny Annie

who is dead.

I want to ask about my love life.

Serious? You run a dating agency!

Do any of your ghosts smell kippers?

Enough!

This ain't about you lot, this is about my mum,

God rest her infidelity-ridden soul!

Now, I want to know who's the daddy,

so, get dialling that big house in the sky, if you please.

He was the caretaker at our school, he was.

Oh, what was his name?

Are you sure you don't want one? Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

Are you talking about - Basil Combover? - Yes!

Oh. He used to dye his hair like so jet-black it was almost blue

and then he'd scrape the strands across his forehead.

"I hope that ain't that fags I'm smelling."

- That's him. - You don't have much of a Canadian accent, Will,

considering you've been living there all this time.

You haven't, though, have you? You've been living in London

the last 20 years, haven't you, mate?

Yeah, Rob mentioned something about you moving there.

Only a couple of hours away.

So, why weren't you at Rob's funeral, then?

Don't go there, Mike.

Nah, it's a perfectly valid question.

We argued.

About?

Michael!

What are most arguments between men about?

Women?

Yeah. We always knew there'd been this big row, didn't we, Mam?

Yeah, just never knew why.

I was with a woman called Hannah for three years.

Then she left me and...

married Rob.

We invite you into our psychic circle, Olwen.

May your spirit flow through these gnashers and onto our earthly plane.

- Anything? - Not a dickie bird.

Wait!

I just got a whiff of TCP.

Oh! My mam used TCP all the time.

She said there was nothing it couldn't cure.

I do put it on my bunions.

It cockin' kills if I don't.

Well, in that case, Olwen must be here.

What if it is Mum's feet?

Shut up about Nanny Pat's feet, man.

Olwen, bewt, if you are with us, just knock three times.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

SCREAMING AND GASPING

Oh, my God, it's like Poltergeist!

PERSISTENT KNOCKING - Argh! - Get off!

Is that really you, Mam?!

It's me! It's me!

Deep voice your mam did have, mind, didn't she, Auntie Bren?

Come on, babe, take your Keckie baby back!

Oh...

SHE LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY

I remember Rob telling me about Hannah.

He said they were absolutely fine.

Well, till they split up, like.

Jack? Sophie?

She was house-mad, apparently.

Underfloor heating in the bathroom and everything.

- Never! - Yeah.

But, you know, it's weird,

cos he never once said nothing about you going out with her.

He was probably embarrassed.

Not the sort of thing to be proud of.

I mean, imagine if Ben had a girlfriend

and she ran off with Luke!

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I can laugh about it now as well.

I should have guessed, in fact.

Always had the same bloody taste in women.

- Oh! - Aye-aye!

Sorry, Mike. But what can I say?

It was a big deal back then.

Big enough not to ever speak to your brother again?

OK. Now I can tell he's a lawyer!

The thing is, your honour, I was a bit of a mess at the time.

Drugs, booze.

Been clean nearly eight years now, though.

Yeah. Not easy, mate, is it?

I've had my own issues. Gambling, like.

Are you dealing with it?

- GA, yeah. - Good man.

I try to get to an AA meeting at least once a week, plus,

it helps with my own counselling work.

What, you're a counsellor?

Drug and alcohol rehabilitation.

Wow. That's amazing, Will.

Yes, a man of many talents.

RHIAN CHORTLES

Cockin' classic Keckers, that was.

It was supposed to serve a very important purpose for me, Rhian.

Calm down, Auntie Bren! The spirits ain't going anywhere.

Try again next week, I'll bring my juju bells.

- Cheers for the lift. - No problem.

And, er, Michael, look, I'm...

I'm sorry about that "same taste in women" craic.

I had no idea you two were separated.

Doesn't matter, it's fine.

Well, good God!

It can't be, can it?

- Nightcap? - I'm OK, thanks. I'm going to pop up to my room.

It bloody is!

Little Willy. It's me, Auntie Bren!

I baby-sat you from yea high!

How are you doing, kid?

Er, yeah, yeah, I'm doing great, thanks.

You're looking well, Will.

Michael.

Lovely boy, he was.

Bright as a button and sweet as a nut.

Nothing like his brother.

Bren! Bren, I got some news.

Look who it is, Ken - it's Will Morgan.

Really handsome!

All right, sir. How are you doing?

Hiya, Michael. Excuse me a sec.

I've found out, Bren - I went to the nursing home.

What are you banging on about, man?

Jack! Get this boy a drink!

Wine, is it, Will? I bet you drink wine.

- - Red, is it? - Bren! - Uh...

Mam liked to over-share with her nurses, too,

just like Stella's patients do.

She told one of 'em - who your dad is. - You what?

Turns out Mam was more than just a scullery maid

up that manor house in Foster Park.

She was knocking off Lord Llewellyn's son, Stanley.

He's your dad, Bren.

And he's still alive.

SHE GASPS

Beyonce.

Beyonce!

Mm? Oh...

Did you give Holly's banana yoghurt to Jackson?

As if!

It was me. Last night, it was.

I had the munchies.

Oh!

So, what's he like, then?

Dead Rob's bro?

- Is he fit? - What? Shut up, man.

No, because Rob wasn't bad-looking, mind, was he, for an old guy?

Right. You got any idea yet when you're going to be moving out?

Because it's getting decidedly crowded in here.

PHONE RINGS

Ben? It's quarter to seven in the morning.

Are you all right?

- No, mam. I'm in prison. - What?!

I mean, I've been arrested. Is Michael there?

What have you been arrested for?

I ran down St Mary's Street with a cone on my head.

They can't arrest you for that.

I didn't have nothing else on at the time.

Oh, Ben, man...

Is Michael there? I really need to talk to him.

Um...

Why aren't you dressed?

You only called me... nine minutes ago.

- Weren't you up? - Funnily enough, no. I don't have a job, Stella.

What would I be doing up at 6:45 in the morning?

Yeah, well, get a move on.

My son is wasting away in a Cardiff jail while you faff around.

He's in a police cell, stop being so dramatic.

And do you mind turning around, please?

Technically we're still split up.

Did I buy them pants for you? Stella!

They've shrunk a bit, mind, haven't they?

Do you mind?

One breakfast special latte.

Good, right?

Yes, very nice, Jag, but I was actually talking about that.

♪ I can't believe it

♪ You're a dream coming true

♪ I can't believe how I have fallen for you... ♪

I thought this was a breakfast meeting, not a day at the races.

It's not too much, is it?

Oh, it's definitely not too much.

Cheers, Jag.

We don't all want to be slummy mummies, do we?

Oh, my God, there he is.

I need a tinkle. Won't be a tick.

Hurry up, Michael. Can I at least grab a bread roll?

No, come on, we've got to get on.

You must be Will. Hi there, I'm Nad...

CRASHING

Oh, thank God you were there!

It's all right. Come on. Let's get you sat down.

You all right?

- Morning, Will. - Oh, hiya. All right?

You two know each other?

- He's Rob Morgan's brother. - I'm Rob Morgan's brother.

- Oh! - You can see the likeness, mind.

Deep voice, hint of ginge.

How is that when I press on it?

Argh! It flaming kills!

As I said, I'm Nadine, pleased to meet you.

- Oh. Hi, Nadine. - There we are.

No broken bones, just a nasty twist.

- Stel? - OK.

Take some painkillers and try not to put any weight on it.

Got to dash. See you.

You saved my life.

Michael, I've got a confession - to make. - What?

Ben doesn't know we've split up.

- Why? - I don't know.

I just didn't want to spoil things for him at uni.

So when he rang this morning, I said the reason you weren't there

is... cos you were doing CrossFit.

CrossFit? Have you seen me?

I'm sorry.

Thank you, officer.

Cheers, mate. You was awesome in there.

- Thanks. - Well, I think you look lovely in this photo.

I don't know what all the fuss - was about. - Oi!

Right. If you're done with me, I need to head back.

Job-hunting to do.

- Job-hunting? - Yeah.

Michael felt it was time for a ch... Fell out with my boss.

Still, at least you've got the CrossFit to keep you going.

Mam told me. Where to you train, then?

- The leisure centre. - Hockey club. Well, both. Pretty hard-core.

Hello, stranger.

- - Oh, Jan. - Jan. - Hi.

What are you doing here? Auditioning for Crimewatch?

No, actually... Just visiting. Ben's at uni here, so...

And he's doing a play, aren't you, Ben?

About a forensic scientist. Forensic scientist.

Nice. And this must be Holly.

Oh, she's the spit of you, Stella.

So sweet.

Katie was exactly like Michael,

but not you, little one.

So, how's life, Jan?

Great, actually. How about you guys?

Oh, well, we're... We're fine. We're... really great, totally great.

Great.

And Katie tells me the trip to Dubai is off.

Yes. There's a change of plan... Michael's boss changed his mind.

Well, unsurprisingly, our daughter is very disappointed.

Still, it's a good life lesson for her to learn, don't you think?

That you can't rely on men?

AWKWARD LAUGHTER

Nice to see you all.

- Bye, Jan. - Bye.

OK. What's going on?

Cos you two are acting well weird.

I think he deserves to know.

Look, I'm going to just say it.

It's about Holly.

She's not Michael's.

She's Rob's.

I wish you and my dad had made up before he died.

Yeah, me too.

It's pretty much why I came back.

I'm not being funny - a bit late, like.

Never too late to say sorry, Luke.

You know the 12-step programme.

And what are you going to do, then? Build him a statue and pop an olive branch on there?

Not far off.

I've set up a charity, drug and alcohol rehabilitation.

I want to call it the Robert Morgan Foundation.

Are you serious?

That's... really special, like.

Look at this.

HE HONKS

You're a natural, Will. Any kids of your own?

Not yet. I'm hoping there's still time.

I kind of like the thought of being one of those cranky old dads.

Talking of old stuff, who's into the antiques?

This one over here wants to start investing, don't you know?

We was left a bit of cash by Rob, see.

Most of it's gone on the house, but we've still got a bit left.

And I just want to make sure we do something useful with it.

That's very enterprising.

Yeah, well, I'm going with a mate of ours, Bobby,

and I've got a budget to stick to, so...

Oh, I love auctions. I bought my first house at an auction.

Go along with her if you like - at least you know what you're doing.

He just wants you to make sure I don't buy no rubbish.

Well, yeah, go on, then. It'll be a laugh.

Long as you don't mind. No - the more the merrier.

You know what you need?

A job.

To sign up to Bobby and Nadine's dating agency.

Why would I need to do that?

Because...

I desperately need someone to come on a double date with me.

Yanto has had to pull out.

Oh, great, so I'm a substitute - for Yanto, now? - What can I say?

His sausages are a smash hit. He's indispensable.

Come on. Do your old pal a favour.

Please. I'm begging you.

Good. Say cheese.

Oh, it's as if I was meant to fall into Will's arms.

Fatalistically, like.

You will be making a fatalistical mistake if you don't concentrate.

More matchmaking and less chatting.

Oh, my God! It's Stella's Michael!

He's signed up!

Shut up!

HE GASPS

Jesus and Mary May!

They haven't been split up two minutes!

Oh, what'll I tell her?

Do I have to wear the bloody badge? Chillax, Michael.

It's just a bit of fun.

I don't know what I was thinking, letting you rope me into this. There's my date.

Shelley Evans.

Hello, there, Shelley Evans.

I'm Jagadeesh.

You are not 6' 4".

How can you tell?

Tape measure. In my handbag.

Hold that for me.

As I thought. Barely 5' 8".

Time waster.

Hi, Mike.

- Oh, hi. - Drink?

No, no, no. I'm good, thanks.

Michael!

- Oh. - Are you my date?

I think... I think so. Well, I'll leave you two to it.

- Drink? - Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Christ, Jan.

What the hell's happened to me?

Two failed marriages and jobless at 45.

Well, the marriages I can't help you with, Michael.

I'm certainly not taking you back.

But the job, I can do something about.

I've got a friend at Macintosh And Vine

who would bite my hand off for your skill set.

- You're joking? - Nope.

I'll tell you all about it.

But first I need a pee.

Ah. How's the tapeworm?

Gone home. It was doomed from the start.

What I don't get is why Yanto got matched with Jan.

I know opposites attract, but still...

Oh, she didn't. I put your details on the site instead.

So, you signed me up for a dating agency

which is run by my wife's lodger?

Relax. I'm pretty sure they're contractually obliged to keep quiet.

Stella is not going to find out.

I mean, who's going to tell her?

Wet and windy this morning, some heavy rain expected,

especially around Pontyberry.

Morning, Bobs. How are we today?

Not good, as it goes.

I wasn't going to say nothing.

In fact, I'm not going to say nothing. Not a sausage.

It's Michael, he's signed up to the dating agency.

You're joking?

Joking about what? - Nothing. - Nothing.

Sorry, Stel. I've got to skedaddle and get to the auction.

We'll have a chat later, yeah? Ta-rah.

- Benjamino Angelino. - Oh!

Hiya, presh. What are you doing home?

I don't know. I was feeling a bit rubbish, wasn't I?

About her and Mike?

Bless you.

And I haven't got no food in.

Come on.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

to this morning's sale at Spencer Massey.

Beginning with lot number one.

We have our beautiful 1940s, diamond-encrusted emerald ring.

Who will start me at 2,000?

Yep, I have 2,000 at the back from Mr Campbell.

2,500 from the gentleman in the middle.

Three from the phones. Any advance?

3,500.

Can you afford that, Bobs? No, God no.

I'm just pushing the price for a bit of fun, like.

You do know that's illegal, right?

It carries an actual jail sentence.

£5,000. Five with Ms Fitzgerald.

Can I get 5,500 from you, sir?

Going once...

Going twice...

Sold to Ms Fitzgerald at the back.

Our next up, lot number two.

Thanks for telling me.

He's nicked my bedroom!

I couldn't leave him to stay in the boxroom, could I?

It's like a coffin, man.

That's why you came up here in the first place.

Where's all my stuff, then?

Where's my Jennifer Lawrence poster, and my Swansea City stuff?

Back in the coffin?

You are unbelievable.

I've only been going five minutes.

An exquisite diamond band in the modern-day style.

Starting at £14,000.

14,000 from the young lady.

14,500.

15,000.

15,500, online.

Can I get 16,000? It is a very beautiful piece, madame.

Oh, go on, then.

And we have 16. 16,500?

Sorry, the limit's 15.

It's OK. We can afford it.

Speculate to accumulate, and all that.

16,500, at the back.

And we have 17.

17,500?

18?

Such a shame Bobby couldn't come for a drink.

He'd have loved this place.

But he never likes to miss a spin class.

Now, that is beautiful.

It looks like something from the pyramids.

You can see someone like Cleopatra wearing it, can't you?

Or Sharon Osbourne.

Well, look who it ain't.

All right, Todge?

Oh, Punchy! It's Lenny Mack's missus.

We're not together any more, Todge, you know that.

All right, Zo?

Heard you won the lotto.

- What? - No, it was an inheritance, wasn't it?

From the dickhead's dad. Are you still with the dickhead, Zoe,

or having fun with this one by here?

Sounds about right.

Do us a favour, fellas.

Fuck off.

Who are you telling to fuck off, bruv?

You pair of twats.

Do you have a problem with that?

Come here, Banj. Here's a good boy.

Banjo, heel.

BARKING Good dog.

My room and my dog.

Now, who would like to share a memory of Mam

before we send her on her way?

I'll go first.

I'll never forget her dressing-up box in the back room.

I had such fun in there.

Well, I'll always remember her cawl cennin.

She was the only woman in the valley to add Marmite.

Aw!

Well, I never forget what she told me the night before my wedding.

She said I was a fool.

To marry Uncle Clem?

No, she just said I was a fool.

She could be very cutting at times.

- Michael? - Sorry - am I too late?

No, you're all right, kid. We're just about to scatter.

Right, stand back, everyone.

She's coming out. Ken?

Flying Without Wings by Westlife

Fly free on the breeze, Olwen Elise

and let your spirit

rest in... peas.

Uh...

Has anybody got a stick?

Hang on.

You do it, Michael Jackson. Sorry?

Break it up a bit.

Oh...

MUSIC STOPS

Luke! We've got something to show you.

She's spent all your dosh.

He must be at the swings with the kids, bless him.

I can't wait to show him. He's going to love it.

How old was Jack there?

Oh, my God, Will.

The bracelet.

- What? What's wrong? - Fuck...

Fuck, it's gone. It's fucking gone.

It's got to be in there somewhere.

- Check your pockets. - Shit.

I haven't seen it since we were in the bar.

I put it away, I didn't look at it again.

You might have dropped it. Did you drop it?

I don't bloody know.

Oh, God, Will, what am I going to do?

Hello? Are you home? I can't tell Luke.

- He'll go mad. - You have to.

Hello! Hiya!

- Any luck from the auction? - Oh, no, we got outbid on the thing I wanted.

Never. Better try again next week, eh?

- - Cuppa? Coffee? - Yeah. - Yeah, ta.

Oh, come on, you two.

Sorry, that just came out.

It's OK. Don't worry.

I'll take Luke out for a drink,

give you some time to call the bar, the police, whatever.

You never know, someone may have found it and handed it in.

Will? White, one sugar?

Yeah. Cheers, mate.

We'll sort this, I promise. OK?

I've made some food for the journey.

I can't take that on the plane, Bren.

They'll think it's a flammable liquid.

Don't be ridiculous, man. It's only a bit of Nescaf!

Forgot to tell you, I might have a new job.

And a new girlfriend, so I hear.

Called Jan?

Did Will tell you? Knew he would. Wanker.

Actually, it was Bobby. Yeah, well, he's a wanker too.

It was Jag's stupid idea.

I thought I was going as scenery, but he uploaded my details online,

and I got a match with bloody Jan.

Hilarious.

Right, OK. That's me.

- Michael... Take care. - Thank you.

- Stel. - Aw...

- Tattyfilarious, Ken. - Oh, Bren.

Hey, listen,

just cos I've got blue blood running through these veins

and you don't, don't mean I'm going to forget you, yeah?

Yeah?

Oh...

Safe trip.

Bye.

I've got a lot to thank that man for.

I'm doing chilli for tea, if you fancy it.

No, I better not.

Need to get back and start swatting up for this interview.

It's OK. You don't have to make excuses.

I'm wasting my time a bit, really, aren't I, presh?

Do you miss him? Rob?

That's a loaded question.

I take it you haven't told Luke.

How can I? He put me in charge of all the money.

Oh, this is beautiful.

You looking very commanding this evening, Nadine.

Rob's gone, so you're making do with his brother. Is that it?

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