Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

- Do you want to marry me? - Like you - wouldn't believe. - Remember when

we'd been going out for six months? You made me that little silver heart.

I am to move to the historic town of Middlesbrough.

If I'm not his father, who is? Keckers.

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating

♪ I go weak inside. ♪

Oak? How do you actually spell your name? Is it O-R-K?

No, it's O-A-K. Oak, isn't it? Like the tree. Douche bag.

Hey, brother, who cares about spelling?

It's just another form of social imprisonment. Aarggh!

DOG BARKS Coming through!

Pontyberry's newest and finest directeur de funerale! Sorry, babe.

Love and light. Anyone fancy some porridge?

Oh, no way. It's like eating papier mache.

You don't look the type to eat porridge, Stell.

I always think of you as a bit of a sausage muncher.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to lose a stone, aren't I?

What for? Nothing!

I noticed you put on a bit since I've been away.

- Oh! - None of us needs a body, you know.

It's the milk inside the coconut that counts, not the hairy hoary shell.

What are you saying, Oak, that I'm a hairy hoary shell?

In a way, yeah. - Nice. - Well, good God!

I have seen it all now!

That Michael Jackson moving boxes and all sorts

into his garden shed! Don't tell me he finally left you?

Oh, shut up! He's turning it into an office that's all.

Till he finds somewhere more permanent.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen, eh?

One minute, a high-flying City lawyer

on the banks of the Southbank,

next thing, setting up office on a Pontyberry allotment!

But ewe are! Right, you lot clear, up after you.

I'm taking Michael his porridge.

She's nothing but a slave to that man. No pride.

Skivvying around him like whatshername from Downton.

But I'll say it again, ewe are.

Ah!

Sex after breakfast, this is so...

Decadent? I was going to say naughty

but decadent sounds so much better.

Oh! Oh!

Do you know what? I've been in this bed a few times...

You most certainly have... And I always wonder,

why you've only got one bedside table?

Oh!

Well, I haven't had need of two before.

After the divorce, I... Dad!

Guess who's home from Ibiza?!

Jasminder! Yanto said you'd gone back to bed.

Are you ill or...? What the fuck?

Jasminder. I'm sorry but this...

This is exactly what it looks like.

I can't believe you haven't told her!

Not even Katie? No.

Or Ben or Luke or Emma? No!

Surely we can tell Banjo. Go on then.

Banjo, Stella and I are getting married.

But you're not to breathe a word. OK?

HE WHIMPERS

Ooh, I've ordered my dress.

It's a size too small but I thought that would give me a goal,

you know, like, two months to lose a stone.

I'm going up to Dr Cronje's now in a bit,

to get some of them slimming tablets.

Why do women always buy dresses a size smaller than they actually are?

Why not just buy the right size?

You know nothing about female psychology, do you?

You can say that again.

What if Beyonce isn't lying?

What if Jackson really isn't my boy?

I miss him so much, Stell, but I don't even know if he's mine to miss.

Look, for what it's worth, I was there when that baby was born

and he was the splitting - image of you. - Spitting im...

It's spitting image not splitting. - Is it? - Yeah.

Anyway, when babies are new-born they look like their dads, apparently,

harks back to when we were apes or lions or something...

Lions? Are you sure? And that baby was definitely yours.

Now, I might be wrong about it, of course I might.

But I don't think I am.

Is it definitely spitting image not splitting?

Yeah. Hmm!

I thought we could pop down the market today, Nads.

Angry Paul says he's got some cracking new stuff on the stall,

like these wind-up squirrels, ever so lifelike.

They've got, er,

grey and a red

and a dusty pink and er...

"Nadine, I know you are angry but, please,

"meet me at the bench at two.

"I must with you speak."

We've got to get one for Genevieve, like.

Yeah, whatevs. I do love Angry Paul.

Cracking sense of humour.

You seem to have brought half of Ibiza back with you.

- Where's Danny? - Still out there. He's got a job in a bar.

- You've split up? - No, we haven't split up. I'm going back next week.

I popped home for a few days to surprise you and what do I find?

You're sleeping with the pub - cleaner! - She is not the pub - cleaner. - Yes, she is!

- She is my love! - Oh, please! Who happens to be the pub cleaner.

But it's all so seedy, Dad, the whole thing.

I mean, what's she really after, hmm?

I thought you might want this for your laundry.

It's an ironing board.

Stella. What are you doing here?

Baby's not ill, is he? No, it's just a check-up.

Hello, sweetheart. See, I do care about my baby.

I know it's a shock. Why are you here? You sick?

No, just fat.

So long!

Listen, presh,

about Michael.

Oh!

Carole!

I will not leave this doorstep until you believe me when I say

I do not care one toot what anybody says or thinks!

Especially Jasminder, who may be my daughter,

but she is very misguided. Because I think you are a wonderful person.

Well, thank you very much!

Sorry, Jamie. Is your mother there?

Who wants to know?

HE SPEAKS ARABIC

Yeah, I'm just setting up my new office.

Can I call you later when I've had a chance to look through the contract?

Shukran. And we can arrange to meet next week.

HE SPEAKS ARABIC

Ah, he's got green fingers and he speaks Arabic.

His talents are never ending! I'm not very good at crosswords.

That was my new boss. And this is - my new and temporary office. - Hmm!

What time do you leave for London? About five.

Michael, can we talk?

Look, put him out of his misery.

If Michael isn't Jackson's dad, then it's going to kill him.

But he needs to know so he can get on with his life.

And what if he is? If he is,

then I promise I will persuade him not to go for custody.

What do you say?

I say stop sticking your bloody oar in.

Beyonce Evans, Dr Cronje, please.

Please, Beyonce... Come on, bibs.

No-one likes sorting out their will.

Up until recently, I thought I was immortal.

My lawyer in Canada has a copy,

I thought it would be a good idea for you to have one as well.

You don't mind, do you? No, of course not.

Does Stella know you're doing this?

No, and I'd rather you didn't mention it.

Don't want her getting upset and the less she knows, the better.

You know what she's like, she'll worry.

You still love her, don't you, Rob?

She's the mother of my son. That's not what I asked you.

She's very difficult not to love.

Suzanne and I are having a pub lunch. Fancy joining us?

Yeah, why not. A sort of farewell meal

before I'm stuck on hospital food for a fortnight, God help me.

I'm glad she met you, Michael.

So am I.

Ha! Two glasses of white wine, please.

Coming right up. So where to is Abhra?

Oak have taken him water divining.

Oh, there's a lot of it about. Water, I mean.

I've only got an hour because I've got to get back and pack for London.

You know me and Luke - are going up with Rob? - Yeah.

I've been focusing on his recovery, in my meditations, like.

Have you? Right.

I can't believe you've been back a week and I'm only now seeing you!

Have I got something in my tooth?

I'm connecting with your aura.

Oh! Hiya!

Oh, there's your mam. Hiya!

Oh, she wasn't connecting with your aura was she, presh?

Er, yeah... Emma, behave and say hello to Suzanne.

- Namaste. - We're having lunch, if you want to join us?

Er, no time for eating. We've got drinking to do!

THEY LAUGH

♪ Ooh, you're making me live

♪ Whatever this world can give to me...

Me and Oak speak Punjabi when we're making love.

Oh, it's such a beautiful language.

You must be pretty fluent then, are you?

SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI

You have a small duck?

Child. I mean child.

♪ I've been with you such a long time

♪ You're my sunshine

♪ And I want you to know...

So, you got a job now then, Zo?

Yeah, and it's been proper life changing, you know,

having some independence, not just looking after the kids all day.

You'll never catch me being tied down by kids or a job.

Life's for living as far as I'm - concerned. - I'm not tied down.

Oak says that to pray is to work

and that bringing up a child is the most noble thing a person can do.

Sounds amazing. Does he?

Is Oak his real name? It's his spirit name.

But Stella said he was born in Warrington,

so what did his mum - and dad call him? - Donald.

♪ Ooh, you make me live

♪ Whenever this world is cruel to me

♪ I got you to help me forgive...

Oh, my God! So I told my dad what I thought of his girlfriend

this morning and she only went and bloody overheard!

Oh, you mean Carole? She's good as gold, she is.

But he can do so much better. Jas, don't be so mean!

She's beautiful, I think. And really kind.

You don't even know her, do you? SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI

Emma, you're getting on my tits! It is a bit annoying to be fair.

I can't even understand what you're saying! It don't sound nothing like Punjabi.

Maybe you don't understand because you've forgotten how to speak it. - Emma! - Christ, listen to you!

You spend a year there, you think you're Delhi born and bred.

- Jas! - I'm just saying you've been Westernised and that's really sad.

Emma! I was born in Leeds for God's sake!

You were born in Ponty-bloody-berry! We're meant to be having fun,

this is meant to be a laugh! Come on, we haven't seen each other for yonks.

Yeah, well, I wish I'd stayed in Ibiza now.

You're only interested in talking about work and kids

and you think you're bloody Indian! Oh, I'm going home!

I'm at peace with myself, Jas. It's freaking me out!

Oh, go back to your weirdo of a boyfriend!

♪ Oh, you're my best friend...

Oh, my God! I love meringue and all. Well, order one then! Excuse me!

No, I can't. I'll just have a bit of yours. Don't count then, do it?

She used to say that about cigarettes.

THEY LAUGH

Aww! Not exactly pining after your son are you, Mike?

Beyonce. How's it hanging, Rob?

- Er, yeah, fine. - I heard you was up London having an op?

Sorry. I don't think we've been introduced?

This is the mother of Michael's baby.

Well we're not 100%, like. In fact, that's what I come to say.

I've had a think about what Stella said this morning and if...

What do you mean what Stella said? And if you promise on his life

you won't go for custody... What's she talking about?

Can we not do this right now? She said if I did the test, she'd make sure you didn't go for custody,

- didn't you Stell? - Why did you say - that? - Hang on, it wasn't like that.

Oh! Boncey! Oh, Lord!

Do one, Keckers. I'm talking. I don't care!

You haven't answered my calls. I want to know if that's my kid. This is so humiliating.

Shall I order some coffees? If he's mine, fine.

If he's not, I'm not having you screwing me out of every penny

I got just to pay for some posh bloke's sprog.

- Or a cheeseboard? - Truth is, I don't know whose it is, OK?

I done it that time with you up the Wenno and you the week after up my house.

What about Kelly Jenkins's 21st? Oh, yeah.

Do you think they do a cheeseboard? And down the alley back of Drink n' Save.

Right. Beyonce, this is ridiculous.

You have got to sort this out once and for all.

Yes, um, I'll arrange to get the test done privately.

No need, Mikey boy.

We're going on Selena Child.

- - No, we're not. - What? - Yes, we are. I spoke to them this morning.

What is Selena Child She's a Welsh Jeremy Kyle. We're not going on Selena Child, OK?

What is Jeremy Kyle English Jerry Springer.

They want us on tomorrow afternoon. Will they pay travel?

- They're putting on a bus! - Aye, all right! Yeah, I'm down with that.

Are you serious? Selena Child's a monster! She destroys people.

You're a solicitor, no different to being in court! Why not? Three of my mates

have done their paternity on there. It saves a fortune by all accounts.

Well, you're on your own because I'm not going anywhere near it! Well, suit yourself.

I'll let you know the outcome. Come on. Come with me.

What about a brandy, anyone?

Karl thinks I'm jogging, so get on with it.

How are you? Are you well?

Listen, Ivan, I've been pushed and pulled from pillow to post.

One minute I'm kissed, the next I'm rejected

and quite frankly I can't take no more! So what do you want?!

To explain all of this actions.

Well, go on then!

I was once a married man.

My wife she was a dancer - Rita Renee.

Legs like a willow and the queen of plie.

Very nice, I'm sure.

We were happy for a while.

And then Rita Renee she fell in love

with a ballerina from Hull called Malcolm.

A ballerina? Did he wear a tutu and that?

He was in the corps de ballet. He wore not a tutu.

Just a cynical smile upon his cheek

and a guilty pleasure in his eye. Go on.

Rita she left me for Malcolm and my heart it broke.

And I vowed I would never to another man do what he to me had done.

And then I met you, a married woman.

A happily married woman.

Or at least I was up until a few weeks ago.

Miss Bevarn, you have shaken to its core my world.

Tell me about it. My whole life have gone to cock since I met you.

If I do not ask you this,

I will live with regret until my dying breath.

I have here a ticket,

a one-way ticket

to Middlesbrough.

I want you to come away with me.

You and Genevieve.

There is no ticket for her, children may travel for free until the age of five.

Hang on a minute, me and Gen just can't up sticks and head north!

What do you think we are, a travelling circus?

Please. Say no more. Merely think upon it and let me know.

OK, hotel details on my phone, overnight bags packed separately,

- purse, laptop. - DVDs? Because I'm going to be so bored.

I've put that horror film in I was telling you about.

- Nice. - Can I leave you the keys to the cottage, Stella?

Then you can maybe put the heating on for when we get back.

Which will be sooner than you think.

Oh, God!

Oh, come here. You'll start me off!

- Sorry. - Bloody women, honestly. They cry at the drop of a hat.

Oi! Just because you're ill, doesn't mean you can be sexist.

You spoil all the fun, you do. Hm!

Right. Go, you.

Good luck, Rob. Thank you.

Right, come on. I want to get me behind that wheel.

You all right? Yeah.

Stella, there's something I want to do.

Oh, now, don't be worrying about that stupid TV show because it'll be

over and forgotten with before - you know it. - No, it's not that.

It's silly really. It's something I've been carrying round with me for days.

A guilty secret? No.

This.

Oh, you gorgeous beautiful man.

I know we want it to be a secret

but I want people to know how lucky I am.

♪ Your love is lifting me higher

♪ Than I've ever been lifted before

♪ So keep it up... ♪

You'll be Stella Jackson. I know! Sounds good, don't it?

Better than Morris, I've got to say. Which was better than Kosh.

Aw, Mam, that's wicked. I'm well chuffed.

Can me and Little Al do your wedding - video? - Well, the thing is, presh,

um, we want to keep it really low-key.

You know, just the two of us and two witnesses.

What? You're not inviting us? Your - own children? - Mum, that's rank!

FLY BUZZES Titali. Negativity...

Well, I'm sorry but it is! I wanted Abhra to be a pageboy.

Never mind Abhra, I want - to be pageboy! - Do you? Why?

- Not pageboy, best man. - You said - - pageboy. - I didn't! - Yes, you did!

- I didn't! - Did! I've just spoken to Katie.

She's happy for us but not pleased that we're not inviting her.

- - See? - See? - Right, well, just the kids then, yeah?

What in the name of Scritti Politti is going on? I've just heard you're getting married!

- Who told you? - Who told you? And you haven't invited me,

the Mayor of Pontyberry and your own flesh and blood!

Have it really come to this?!

Eh! Congratulations. - We heard you got engaged. - Oh!

Yeah. Nice. Well done. Let's see the ring.

Yeah, nice. Well done. So, when's the big day?

Yes, when is the big day? This is why...

On a Saturday, I'll have time off. This is our wedding!

Don't have a go, all right. Head can't take it.

I heard you went clubbing?

This place was doing my head in. Mates have all changed.

Don't know why I bothered coming back.

Well, your dad's really - pleased you did. - Him?

SHE SCOFFS What does he care?

He's all loved up with his new girlfriend. Oh, no offence!

I really like him, you know, Jas.

I'm not some wicked witch coming to steal him away.

I know.

Look, I'm sorry for what I said yesterday.

I shout my mouth off sometimes and I don't think.

And I've got to say I haven't seen my dad this happy in ages,

so you must be doing something right.

Them robes leave nothing to the imagination, do they?

Very well ventilated, that's for sure.

- Where's Suzanne? - Her and Zoe are just chatting to the nurse.

So, you all right?

As I'll ever be.

Hey, I bet you're gutted you're missing the Selena Child show?

Yeah. I'll never forgive you.

Look, er, if I don't...

You know... Let's not have this conversation, is it?

No, everything's just taken care of, that's all.

And I don't say this nearly often enough but I love you, Luke.

I'm really proud that you're my son.

Just hurry up and get well, will you?

You stubborn old bastard.

OK, the porters are here now, Mr Morgan. Shall we get on with it?

Got nothing better to do.

I just heard from Luke. Rob's gone down to theatre.

Bless him. - Hm! - You all right?

Not really. Me and Oak, our energies have collided.

You mean you've fallen out. Yeah.

Where to's he now then? Gone off in a huff up Warrington.

Oh, I don't know, Mam. I can't keep it up no longer,

being all deep and mystical.

I try my best but I just get confused.

I say okra instead of chakra and korma instead of karma.

And I got no idea what consciousness expansion do mean.

It was easier in India, it's like a different world out there.

But being back in Pontyberry made me go all Welsh again.

Oh, Em, you're so lovely.

And if he don't like the real you,

then there's not much point, is there?

I know. To be honest,

if he wasn't so good at oral sex, - I'd have ditched him long ago! - Emma!

SHE LAUGHS

You defo not going to this Selena Child thing?

No. Though, I'm starting to think we should've gone

because that poor baby is going to grow up knowing his mother

was called a slapper on some trashy TV show.

It's not too late, you know. Where to's Michael?

♪ You have my heart and we'll never be worlds apart...

Can I remind everybody, smoking is not permitted in the studio.

Hi, guys. OK, can I just check, are you all here for

My Sister's Really My Uncle or Who's the Daddy? It Ain't Me.

Who's The Daddy? It Ain't Me.

Eh, can't stick my cans in a fridge for me, can you, beaut? Strictly no alcohol in the studio.

Woah! I paid a quid for them! Right, shall we go near the cameras?

I'm not bothered really.

Ah-ah-ah! Sorry, we're in by there.

What's up, chick? Nothing.

It's Ivan, isn't it?

Bobs, he've asked me - to go away with him. - Oh!

- To Middlesbrough. - Ohh! - On a train. - Ohhh!

All right, stop gasping. Sorry.

He leaves tomorrow on the 11:37.

It's such a mess. Awww!

Excuse me, I need to urgently speak with one of your contributors Beyonce Evans.

- Sorry, who are you? - Michael Jackson. Oh, pff! Yeah, right.

He's the father of Beyonce's child. At least, we think he is.

Look, she can't go on the show. It's not fair on the baby.

PHONE TRILLS

It's Luke. Luke?

Do you want to come with - me a minute? - Any news?

So what I'd like to see is no fighting, no swearing,

no punching, no spitting. That doesn't bastard leave us much.

THEY LAUGH

Well, can't they tell you anything? "Nah."

Only that he'll be in at least another two hours.

Oh, God! I'm sorry I'm not there with you, presh.

Hey, it's better this way. Anyway, Michael needs you.

Hm! You all right, are you, Lukey?

Yeah you know me, Mam. Nerves of steel.

"Go play havoc with that Selena Child."

Hm! I love you.

Yeah ,I love you too.

But there is no bloody story! But there is doubt over the baby's paternity, isn't there?

Well, yes. So let's resolve it.

Oh, my God! I've just seen Andy the weatherman in the bogs.

- Oh, I like him. - And you'll never guess who else I saw.

Michael Jackson. Don't be daft, man, he's dead!

No! Our Michael. He's rowing - with the producer. - Cockin' cock!

Hold on to your hats, Marj, we're in for a bumpy ride.

THEY LAUGH

Er, excuse me, you can't go through there!

Er, no, I'm looking for my fiance!

Stell! Over by here!

Right, move up.

Shift it!

Oh, my God. Where to's Michael? - OK, standby, studio. - I wish I knew.

Going in three, two, one...

She's fit, she's fearless, she's feisty.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Selena Child.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On today's show, the sexually irrepressible

and irresponsible woman who can't make up her mind.

We ask, who's the daddy?

"I'm Selena Child."

"APPLAUSE" Oh, my God!

There's Bobby in the audience. And Nadine!

Ha-ha! This is hilarious.

Where have you been? It's just getting good.

I've been shopping to buy this.

- A bedside table. - Yes.

I was wondering if...

Carole, would you do me the honour of...

...of moving in with me? And Jamie, of course.

Well, you've bought me a bedside table. How could I possibly refuse?

You've been with half theBLEEP town! Even Dougie Bucket and Spade!

BLEEPI've been nowhere near Dougie Bucket and Spade.

Well, even I heard that one, - to be fair. - Yeah, and me!

Come off it! Who haven't been with Dougie Bucket andBLEEPSpade?

All right, calm it down. I even heard youBLEEPhave, Nadine!

OK, can it! Oh, yes!

Don't beBLEEPdisgusting!

Woah! Ohhhh!

The issue here is not how many men she's slept with

but which one got her pregnant.

You, woman with the hair, eating a pastie,

what have you got to say about all this?

Me? I'm Mayor of Pontyberry,

I'm impartial. So is Glen. Yes.

Let's turn now to the third player in the story.

He didn't want to come on here today, is it because he's too ashamed?

Let's find out. Michael, come on out.

Loo! He's on the bloody stage!

This is bloody ludicrous. Ooh!

We've got a posh boy here, have we?

I bet you're hoping to hell that kid isn't yours?

Actually... Yes, he is! Come on, Michael!

...more than anything in the world, I hope he is.

Ohhh!

- What's happening now? - She's just - about to reveal the father. - Ssh!

The father of baby Jackson is...

Michael!

Yes!

Of course it's Michael! Yes!

Nice one.

To Michael cockin' Jackson! THEY CHEER

Beyonce?

What you did was outrageous. If there was the slightest doubt

he wasn't mine, you should've told me from the start.

I always wanted him to be yours. Why? Because I'll give - you more hand-outs? - No,

Because you'll be a better dad.

You're nice.

Right, well, we need to make a proper arrangement.

A proper routine, so that me and Stella can have him, OK?

Fine by me. Oh, there's something - else we've got to do. - Go on.

We've got to go register the birth. Yeah, of course.

I've chosen a middle name, it's Germaine.

Jackson Germaine Jackson?

SHE LAUGHS

I'm kidding. No, I thought it should be Michael,

after his dad, like. Jackson Michael Jackson.

That boy is going to get so ribbed at school.

Cheers, Jacko. Cheers.

Got there in the end, didn't we?

Michael! That was Luke.

Rob's come round, everything is fine.

Oh, thank God. Thank God.

CHEERING

ANNOUNCEMENT JINGLE

"The train on platform four is the 11:37 to Middlesbrough."

"This train will depart in seven minutes."

Benny! Benny! "The train on platform four

"is the 11:37 to Middlesbrough." ALARM SOUNDS

I told you to keep an eye on it, you doughnut!

Don't panic! Don't panic! Ivan!

Conchita!

ROMANTIC AND DRAMATIC PIANO PLAYS

SHE COUGHS

Christ! This smoke is suffocating me. Disgusting!

I cannot believe mine eyes!

Ivan, I'm not coming with you.

I just come to say goodbye.

No matter how much Karl annoys me,

or makes stupid jokes,

or stands on my feet when we dance,...

he loves me.

And we've got Genevieve.

I just couldn't do it to him.

They gave me a refund on the ticket, by the way.

Thank you.

Tell me one thing, Nadine.

Did you ever love me?

Did I ever?

I still do. I always will.

Out the way, love. Got a big fire hose coming through.

TRAIN WHISTLE

SHE COUGHS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello. Look out. More visitors.

You got here quickly. Yeah. Michael's just parking the car.

- How's he doing? - Please don't talk about me like I'm not in the room.

Oh, he's doing all right then. OK.

I think we could all do with stretching our legs.

Stella will look after you for five minutes.

We've drunk that much coffee, I tell you.

I bet I look bloody awful.

I've seen you looking slightly more handsome.

But only slightly.

Rob... You and Michael are getting married.

What is it with you? How did you know?

You're wearing an engagement ring for starters.

Anyway, I approve. I think he's a thoroughly decent chap

and he won't stand for any of your nonsense.

Oi, you!

KNOCK ON DOOR

I've just got to do his checks. Do you mind waiting outside? - Won't be long. - Of course.

It's all good, sweetheart. All good.

Suzanne, you watch, you'll be talking with a Welsh accent by the time you leave for Canada.

It's a lovely cottage, maybe you should live there permanently, like.

You're just after extra babysitters. - Michael! - Oh, don't listen to him!

Promise me you'll bring them to Canada soon.

There's so much for kids to do out there.

When you say kids, I hope you're including Luke in that

because he's the biggest kid of - them all. - What's going on?

You want to see him playing with - Jack, he's so competitive. - I know!

♪ How long will I love you?

♪ As long as stars are above you

♪ And longer if I can

DIALOGUE MUTED

♪ How long will I need you?

♪ As long as the seasons need to

♪ Follow their plan

♪ How long will I be with you?

♪ As long as the sea is bound to

♪ Wash upon the sand

♪ How long will I want you?

♪ As long as you want me to

♪ And longer by far

♪ How long will I hold you?

♪ As long as your father told you

♪ As long as you can

♪ How long will I give to you?

♪ As long as I live through you

♪ However long you say

♪ How long will I love you?

♪ As long as stars are above you

♪ And longer, if I may

♪ Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh

♪ How long will I love you?

♪ As long as stars are above you. ♪

Eh, butt. Maybe she's changed her mind.

Shut up, Karl! Well, no, he might have a point.

I mean, she've always been a bit flighty that one.

Sorry! THEY CHEER

Oh! Got a bit held up.

Jesus! You look...

What? ...beautiful.

♪ Open my eyes

So do you.

♪ Today's a new day Ready, then?

♪ Tell myself take my time Stell?

Yeah.

♪ Put brakes on my brain

♪ Wrap me up, spin me round

♪ Spit me out THEY CLAP

♪ I can feel either way. ♪

I, Michael Matthew Jackson know of no lawful cause or impediment

why I should not be joined in matrimony with you,

Stella Lucy Morris.

I, Stella Lucy Morris...

...know of no...

Hang on a minute, thing is, there is something. Stella?

I mean it's not a lawful impediment or nothing,

I just don't think I can marry you if I don't tell you what it is.

It'd be, um, I don't know, dishonest somehow.

Stella, for God's sake, just, er, just say!

I'm pregnant. Oh!

Fucking hell! What?

I only just found out myself this morning

and I'm in just as much shock as you are.

I thought you were on the change?!

Look, the thing is, I know I'm a bit old to have a baby

and I will understand if you want to have a think about it

and delay the wedding. It's just, I really want to have it.

Stella, that's the best news I could ever possibly be given.

Now, will you please shut up and marry me?

SHE LAUGHS

I, Stella Lucy Morris...

THEY CHEER

CHATTER

There we are, Aunty B, have a bit. Can you believe it?

I go all these years as an only child

and then I get two siblings in the space of a year!

Oh, my God! I just realised. Your baby

is going to be Sophie's aunty or uncle

and it'll be younger than Sophie. - Aw, that's mad! - Yeah, it is a bit.

You'll have your hands full, is all I'll say, but ewe are!

Do you think, for once in your life, you could see the positive side of things?

Well now, where would the fun be in that, Michael Jackson?

I'm going to see where Nads have got to. She've been gone ages.

- - All right. - See you in a bit. - I am so jealous. Bali for God's sake.

I know! Make sure you come back

because we're bloody useless - without you. - Oh, Lukey.

Don't worry, Stell, - I'll look after him. - Me too.

Aw, come on, group hug. Aw, my babies!

Stell, we really ought to get going.

Yes, husband dear. - Ooh! - Ooh!

I'll just fetch my things. Don't lift any heavy bags!

Oh, look at him. We've only been married five minutes.

He's already bossing me around.

THEY LAUGH

Nads? What you doing, babes?

Stella and Michael are off in a bit.

Nads?

"Better leave that behind now, don't you think?"

Never.

♪ Once I believed that when love came to me

♪ It would come with rockets, bells and poetry

♪ But with me and you...

Where's your dad and Nadine? Don't know.

Ooh! I nearly forgot. Ready?

♪ And believe it or not...

Oooh!

♪ Now there's something groovy and good about whatever we got...

Oh! Ewe are!

Er you'll keep an eye on my - cauliflowers, won't you? - Aye, butt!

♪ Growing stronger

Right, then. Shall we go on honeymoon, Mrs Jackson?

Yes, please.

♪ Getting better every day

♪ Better every day

♪ I don't feel all turned on and starry eyed

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

♪ I just feel a sweet contentment deep inside

♪ Holding you at night

♪ Just seems kind of natural and right

♪ And it's not hard to see

♪ That it isn't half of what it's going to turn out to be

♪ Because it's getting better

♪ Growing stronger

♪ Warm and wilder

♪ Getting better every day

♪ Better every day. ♪

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