Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Just let me tell Luke first.

- I miss you, man. - Even though I'm a - douche bag? - God, you are ugly.

- - I'm going. - Where? - To London! Michael!

If you do make me Mayor, you'll get honesty, drive, plus a pub lunch like this every month.

We've got natural chemistry, me and Ivan.

I'd say it was more than chemistry, if I didn't know better.

- Give him some air. - What's wrong with him?

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating, I go weak inside

♪ La la la ♪

SQUEAKS

Sorry, Banje.

Miles away.

Right, here goes, then.

Hi.

Hiya. How are you doing?

- Yep, fine. - Case going all right, is it?

Yes.

That's good, then.

It's all go here.

Auntie Brenda's got her invest... How do you say it? Investite...

Anyway, she's becoming Mayor today, and she's been dragging everyone in to help out,

like it's a Royal wedding, and the truth is

I'm babbling, because we haven't spoken all week, and I just want to know when you're coming home.

Things are pretty full-on at the moment. We're going to Court soon.

I miss you.

HE SIGHS

I miss you too.

TOY SQUEAKS

- What was that? - Um, well, I think he's a meerkat.

But he's chewed it so much, can't tell any more.

I tell you what, I'll come back tonight, and take a look.

Thanks, sweetheart. I've been ever so worried.

- About the meerkat? - Yeah. Obviously about the meerkat.

What time train do you think you'll catch?

Ah...

Right.

- Rob! I never heard you come in. - I'd better go. This case is full-on.

Hang on. I'll see you tonight, then -

Great.

Is this a good time?

Yeah.

HE SIGHS

- Can you cast your eye over these? - I'm fine.

Quick word to the wise. Women hate it when men sulk. It's unmanly and very immature.

- She started it. - Put away that bottom lip, Michael.

It's not a good look.

And you know something else? When women say they aren't bothered by a bit of puppy fat...

believe you me, they're lying.

My advice - man up, or you'll be in big danger of driving her into Rob's arms.

If she hasn't already.

It's good you're feeling stronger anyway.

Yeah. Thanks.

A few side effects here and there.

He's put me on some pills to stop me fainting like a Victorian lady.

Luke said you told him you'd been on a health kick, and the booze had gone to your head.

I am going to tell him, you know. You said that last week.

Stella, when you tell someone you're ill, they worry about you.

Look at you - you're clucking around me like a mother hen since you found out.

- Mother hen?! - Right now, I can go see my grandchildren, have fun with them.

I can have a pint with Luke, and talk about the rugby.

I can enjoy being with them without making everyone feel miserable.

I know that -How are things with Michael?

If you want to change the subject, just say.

I want to change the subject.

Things with Michael are...

I don't know.

It's difficult when you only see each other at weekends.

Do you remember that school trip I went on to Blaenau Ffestiniog?

And you were convinced I was seeing Lisa Maxwell behind your back?

I phoned you from the station. You gave me a right earful.

God. That was 30 years ago.

31.

- Thanks for doing the table. - Pleasure.

Of course I know what white balance - is! - What is it, then?

Uh... It's to do with... depth of focus.

- Field scanning. - You're basically just saying all the words you know.

Oh, Cerys, will you just...

show me what it is later on.

I'd very much appreciate that.

Not a problem, Benjamin. It'll be a pleasure.

This is for Mayor Auntie Brenda, is it?

Yeah, she's asked us to film her coronation.

And help with the decorations!

Running late, actually. I'm surprised she hadn't -

HORN BLARES

And there you go.

Let's get ready to rumble.

- Hiya! - Ah!

- Hey, you! - Hello!

Hello, Princess.

Why didn't you ring me when your train got in? I'd have picked you - up. - I wanted to surprise you.

Lovely surprise. Welcome home.

All right?

- Your dad sorry to see you leave? - Of course.

I'm indispensable.

So, I take it this is all for your fitness class?

Yeah. And don't worry - Rob's paid for all of it.

I was going to clear it up before you arrived, but I got a bit carried away.

Like a kid at Christmas, you are. It's going to be great, though.

Jag said I could use the room at the pub.

I've done a playlist of workout tunes.

Daddy's cleverer than he looks, isn't he?

Few people interested already. Even Rhian Evans.

Now, THAT I would pay to see.

Are you going to take me somewhere to celebrate your new business enterprise, then?

I do know where there's free champagne.

But it do involve Auntie Brenda.

Remember, the tango is not just a dance. It is a story, a woman who has been wronged.

She smoulders with anger. The man, he must dominate her.

Until she releases her passion... Good, good.

- Dominate her, Bobsy, dominate! - I am doing it!

- Is everything well, Miss Bevan? - Fine, thank you.

You are late. I was concerned there had been a happening.

Very well, we shall begin.

♪ Then I ask you over

♪ Again you only answer

♪ Perhaps... ♪

Come closer. We must be as one for the swivel.

Your mind is elsewhere. There is no focus, no passion.

Why would there be any passion? There's no passion!

None at all.

The competition is tomorrow night.

I keep thinking about what Stella Morris said. About us two.

I thought we agreed such an idea was... how could you have it...

hysterical?

I know, but people round here love a gossip, and before you know it

they'll put two and two together, and make tango!

Look at this dance. So sensual.

♪ ..and please don't tell me... ♪

I just can't do it. Sorry.

GROANING

Are you all right?

Oh!

I... I've always wanted to know, Carole...

what IS the difference between a bathroom cleaning product and a kitchen cleaning product?

Is it just clever marketing by those marketing men?

I don't know. I've never actually thought about it.

That surprises me, because you have a very keen mind.

Did you want something?

Me? No, nothing, although now you ask, I was wondering if...

...you might perhaps grace the dance floor with me in tomorrow night's competition?

- Oh, I'd love to. - Wonderful!

But Yanto asked me last week.

Not to worry. Probably for the best.

I'll be really busy organising this event.

- Sorry. - No, no, it's a good thing.

It's a very... good thing.

I'm glad. Phew!

Bathroom use only...

I'm going to look on the Internet, and find out why.

Most intriguing.

Congratulations. What happened to "congratulations on your investiture"?

Funnily enough, they didn't have any of them in the market.

Do not take the Lord's name in vain! Not in front of royalty.

Is that what you're wearing? Don't you have any ermine?

It's just a simple ceremony. Held in Santa's grotto, by the looks of it.

There's only one thing simple in here, and I'm looking at it.

Right, places, everyone! We're ready.

CLEARS THROAT

By the power granted to me -Wait!

- Is the camera going? - Yeah.

- Camera speed. - Ready with the champagne?

- Yes. - And the dove of peace?

I got a pigeon of peace.

COOS

By the power granted to me by the Crown and Commonwealth,

I hereby announce that Auntie Brenda is elected as Mayor of Pontyberry.

Are you Auntie Brenda?

We are.

Will you carry out the Office of Mayor to the best of your ability?

We will.

You are now officially invested as Mayor Auntie Brenda of Pontyberry.

Is that it?! Where's the sense of occasion?

Where's the pomp and circumcision?

I've got the chain. Do you want me - to put it on you? - Yes, I want you to put it on me.

Slowly! And with reverence.

People of Pontyberry,

this is a great day for all,

whether we be young...

...or old.

Because a good mayor is like -

All right, babe?

- You! - Looking good.

Could I have a word, please?

You've got more nerve than a baboon's what's its name.

Biggest day since Magna Carta, and you swan in

like the second coming of the blessed Madonna!

- You haven't changed a bit. - What is it you want? Money I suppose.

- Well, you'll get none here. - I read about you in the paper, darling.

Thought I'd drop back to the Berry and say hello.

Shoot the breeze with a few old pals.

Who? Jim Beam and Johnnie Walker?

- Hello, stranger. - There she is.

- My wee star! - What are you doing here?

Came back to see you.

This is my youngest, Ben.

Ben, Clem. Clem, Ben.

- Auntie Brenda's husband. - Ex-husband. Still married in the eyes of the Lord.

Uh, can we film him talking about Auntie Brenda?

- Kind of like the First Lady. - You watch out - he'll steal your camera, and charge you for doing it.

In a minute. I just want to say a few words first.

RINGS ON GLASS

Ladies and gents...

I'm not one for fancy words, or big, long speeches.

I'd rather strap on my guitar, but today

Pontyberry is the luckiest town in Wales,

because you've landed yourselves a little cracker.

Hear, hear!

You don't know how lucky you are.

I certainly didn't. So raise your glasses.

Here's to swimming with bow-legged women,

and long live Mayor Auntie Brenda.

Cheers!

Where's he been living, then, Uncle Clem?

All over. London, New York...

...Pwllheli.

- - Playing in bands. - Cool. - Mainly cover bands in pubs.

He always used to try and get the word "Clem" into the band name.

Clems and Roses.

Red Hot Clemmy Peppers.

- Clemical Brothers. - Why did they split up?

Musical differences.

I meant him and Auntie Brenda.

Oh...

Well...

He's always had a bit of an eye for the ladies, has Uncle Clem.

When we were interviewing him, I tried to find out where he'd been.

But Cerys said, "It's not relevant".

She's so up herself.

Uh-huh.

- Why are you doing the face? - Well...

Often, when we find people super-annoying, it's because we really fancy them.

- Like Michael? - Exactly.

- What about Nadine? - Oh, no, she's just super-annoying.

Good afternoon.

I apologise. I didn't mean to startle you.

My footsteps are like feathers on snow.

It comes from my years as a dancer.

I was lost in thought, that's all.

Sometimes I think very, very deeply.

This I can tell.

Do you mind?

If you like.

There is an elephant here, and we must confront him.

What elephant?

An elephant in the room.

Firstly, we're not in a room. We're outside.

And secondly, you do not accuse a woman of being any kind of animal.

- Except maybe a swan. - You are afraid, Nadine Bevan.

Afraid of what people will think if you dance with me.

That's because I'm a married woman. A beautiful, married woman!

This is true, but you are also my partner,

and when we are on that floor we must let the passion flow in and out of our bodies.

Don't be disgusting. And keep your voice down.

And when the music stops, so does our passion.

We are partners in dance, Nadine.

Not in love.

I know, but... all I can think of when you've got me in a hold is that people are judging me.

And not just the actual judges. To be fair, that is their job.

You are merely self-conscious. That is why... I brought this.

What do you think this is, Ivan Schloss? Fifty Shades of Grey?!

Trust me. When you wear this blindfold, you will become like an ostrich.

You mean swan.

No, an ostrich. You cannot see the world, so you believe the world cannot see you.

You can be transported to another place,

free from fear or doubt.

Oh... All right.

- What now? - Now...

We dance.

MUSIC PLAYS

♪ From where you are you see the smoke start to arise when they play cards

♪ And you walk over, softly moving past the guards

♪ The stakes are getting higher... ♪

APPLAUSE

No, no, no. Stop.

I knew I should have worn the yellow suit. It brings out my eyes.

Go on, then. What's next?

Did some interviews. Got people to say some nice stuff about you.

Better. You may continue.

Auntie Brenda, or should I say Mayor Auntie Brenda -

Mum, don't look at the camera.

Auntie Brenda...

No media training at all, that one. Next.

Funny enough, she's not the only Auntie Brenda I know.

There was this Thai girl, worked in a bar in Bangkok

called Ping-Pong, and she could fire

Next!

Oh, she's a character all right!

A proper force of nature.

I used to call her my little hurricane.

Oh, you don't want to know what I called you, good boy.

You should see her when she smiles.

Her face... lights up.

Her eyes sparkle like diamonds on a velvet rug.

The most beautiful girl in town.

Always will be. To me.

Do you want to keep that one in?

- No, delete it. - Delete it?!

You heard me. That man's got more front than Prestatyn. Now, delete him and move on.

Hello.

I didn't know if you were coming back.

Well, here I am.

Oh, hello.

Listen, I'm sorry about messing up last weekend.

It's just...

I've been feeling bad about it all - week. - Enough talking.

Hey, I was drinking that.

Let it go cold. I'll warm you up.

Mm...

- What's got into you? - I said no talking.

Mum? Michael?

Hiya.

Is it all right if I get some of my stuff.

- Quick as you can. - What's it you're after?

Just my trackie bottoms, and my boots for my boxing class.

Dad signed up for it, the nutter.

Rob's not up to doing that.

Yeah, he's fine. It's just some daft diet, that's all.

- He says he wants to keep fit. - I still don't think it's a good idea.

You know Rob - tough as nails.

I've done a bit of boxing in my time.

- Have you? When? - When I was growing up.

Had to be pretty handy with my fists.

You went to a posh private school, and your parents had a holiday home in France.

Well, yeah.

Sometimes middle-class kids have to fight to prove themselves. It wasn't a holiday home. It was a gite.

- What? - Nothing. Sounds really scary.

You should come along to the class if you want to show us some of your moves.

Yeah, I'd love to. Can still remember a few combinations.

Footwork, mainly.

Can't wait to see it.

I'm off, then. Ta-ra.

GROANING

Michael?

Morning.

- What time is it? - I don't know. Six-ish?

- Have you just been for a run? - To the bench and back.

- That hill's a killer. - Well, whatever you want to do on a Saturday morning's up to you.

But I need more time in bed.

That's a great idea. Budge up.

Michael! The sheets are clean on!

- Have a shower. - No problem.

Wait there.

Don't move.

I see no reason for celebration.

The dance competition will bring in a full house of customers,

plus it'll be fun.

I tell you what'll be fun - a - wedding. - Yeah.

Mother, you need something to take your mind off things,

which is why I have decided to cheer you up with this.

Da-da!

It's a table. I know you have low ambitions, but I mean... this is ridiculous.

This is the judges' table.

Which I would like you to grace with your expert knowledge of dance.

Oh...

Wise choice.

Hm...

Did you say... judges?

Well...

This is more like it, Jagadeesh.

Good to see someone can organise something in this town that doesn't end up like Cirque de Solarium.

Mother, may I introduce Mayor Auntie Brenda?

The other judge.

The other judge?!

You ladies are going get along famously. I'll leave so you can get acquainted.

Mayor Auntie Brenda.

Mayor of Pontyberry.

Nina Indira Chowdhury.

Co-owner of this establishment.

- Welcome to my town. - Welcome to MY establishment.

Which is in my town.

- All right, Bobs? - Not totally.

I haven't got a dance partner, have I?

Finding a replacement for Dotty is like looking for a virgin in the Big Brother house.

Well...

I am free tonight, and I've been known to strut my stuff after a couple of shandies.

No offence, but I've seen you dance, and you do have three left feet.

Now, am I imagining it, or was Michael pulling a tyre down the yard this morning?

Probably.

SHE SIGHS

He's gone all rugged and sporty since he came back.

Of course. I see.

Take it from one who knows...

- You're rugged and sporty?! - No, but I once did a correspondence course in cognitive psychotherapy.

Three-week intensive. Michael is threatened by Rob.

No, I don't think so. We've talked about it, and he seems fine.

Aw, Stella, Stella, Stella...

Michael might say he's fine, but deep down he's an animal.

Threatened by the incoming alpha male.

Rob, who's also an animal.

- You think? - Press-ups, running up hills...

He's putting on a courtship display to show his suitability as a mate.

If you were a chimp, he'd be pulling the head off a parrot, and peeing on your foot to mark his turf.

Oh...

- Do you want that? - No.

You've put me off now.

Right then, Rocky...

- Here we are. - OK. Hold on...

- What's that? - Caffeine gel.

Helps you train harder.

Look...

I don't quite know how to say this, presh, but...

all this running, and weights and stuff...

it's not because of Rob, is it?

Rob?! No, of course not.

Keeping fit, that's all.

Getting in shape for the little lady.

There's no need to. You're perfectly lovely as you are.

I don't know. I just feel like I've let things slide, that I've taken you for granted.

- No, you haven't. - So it's no surprise you might be tempted to stray.

- - I get it. - Tempted to stray?! - That - came out wrong. - Oh my God!

You think I'm so shallow I'd leap into Rob's bed at the slightest sign of trouble?

You're the one that got a girl pregnant from a one-night stand!

And I've apologised a thousand times. What else do you want me to do?

I want you to take back your insinuations about me and Rob.

Huh! Tempted to stray...! What do you think I am? A cat?

- OK, I take it back, all right? - Go and pee on someone's foot.

What?

You all right?

You know me, Jagadeesh. I'm not one to complain.

But you don't have two queens of the Realm.

- You have to make a decision. - Who's going to be head judge?

Me... or her?

All right, my man.

Yes. What can I get for you?

Watch this one, mind. He's got more sides than a Rubik's Cube.

Jagadeesh, would you be so kind as to fix for this beautiful woman

her favourite tipple from her courting days?

- Certainly. What drink is that? - He wouldn't remember.

Hippy Trippy Shake.

Ice, lemon, Babycham... and absinthe.

Shaken, not stirred.

...six, seven, eight...

One, two!

Use your hips, and forward. One, two... And back.

Almost done. Keep it going.

Ready for the change. And duck.

One, two... Are you all right, - Rhian? - Get a bastard bucket ready.

The fry-up in here wants out.

SHE RETCHES

Two...

One, one, two.

Great, stuff, everyone.

All right, we'll end with some pad work.

Remember, it's not about punching hard. It's about rhythm, form and speed.

We'd make a good match, do you think? Same height and stuff.

To be honest, I'm only here for the cardio. I'm going to give the punching a miss.

Feeling your age, are you?

Lovely work, Reesey boy. Lovely work.

Get your guard up, get your elbows in.

What's the matter with you? And hook!

Form and rhythm. It's not a competition.

Remember to breathe.

Michael, take it easy!

- You're all right, aren't you? - Yeah. I'm fine.

No, no. Actually, I think that's quite enough.

- Mum, what are you doing? - Better safe than sorry.

I'm OK.

Luke, call it a day now, yeah?

That's it, everyone. End of lesson.

- Cheers. Nice one. - Hang on. We've got another ten minutes if you want.

Same time next week, yeah?

Yeah, good.

Thanks a lot, Mam.

Believe me, I wouldn't ask unless it was a code red national emergency.

First off, I don't do the waltz. That's for geriatrics.

Not a problem. There's the tango.

Right, well, no lifts or jazz hands. I can't bear that fancy dance stuff.

Agreed. Brownie's honour.

All right, I'm in.

Agghh! Right, good...

Here's Dotty's costume.

Now, it may need a nip and tuck here and there.

It's not very see-through, is it?

Sorry about that. Got a bit carried away.

Probably not fair putting us together. Age difference and all that.

No harm done. It's the pills I'm on. They make me a bit dizzy.

- Pills? What for? Arthritis? - No.

Menopause? Are you having hot - flushes? - Michael, no...

I've got chronic heart disease.

SHE SIGHS

Just because I'm digging your potatoes doesn't mean I want to be - friends. - I'm really sorry -

Yeah, well, you really pissed me off.

Accusing me like that.

What sort of person do you think I - am? - I know about Rob.

Being ill.

SHE SIGHS

- He told you, then? - Yeah.

Jesus, poor guy.

I know. It's just so... awful.

But why didn't YOU tell me?

I feel a right idiot now, thinking you and him -

Hang on. YOU feel an idiot?

That's what's bothering you about Rob having a death sentence hanging over - him? - Stella!

You're unbelievable!

And do you know what? You can dig your own sodding potatoes.

I don't know, Bobby. Sometimes, when it comes to Stella, I just feel like everything I ever do is wrong.

Oh, look out. Someone's on the pity pot.

I mean, what am I meant to do?

Sorry, it was an actual question?

Um...

Well, if you ask me, you should remind her how good you are together.

Like, when you make each other laugh.

Or when you're just holding her hand.

Not saying a word, but you both just know... Christ, I'm welling up.

I mean...

Look, Michael, what does Stella really want?

Um...

- Stability. - No, she's not after the workbench!

She wants passion, fun, spontaneity!

She wants to mess around and forget about the serious stuff, and most of all...

she wants a man without bits of hazelnut in his teeth.

Right, time to look fabulous.

♪ "Maria" - Ricky Martin

You can't keep looking at your feet. The judges'll mark us down.

Force of habit. Looking for mines.

I thought you said you could dance!

Of course I can dance. It flows through my veins like a red-hot lava!

- But I do usually lead. - What? No, the woman can't lead. It's against God and nature.

Do you want to win this competition - or not?! - Of course, but how can -

Where I lead, you WILL follow.

Mm!

I could get used to this.

You need to switch it to auto.

Of course! I'm not a complete idiot!

God, you look...

♪ You make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world... ♪

Can you film us practise?

Can you film us practise?

- Sure, yeah. - Great.

- Ivan, tell me something. - Yes?

Will I or will I not be able to wear the blindfold in tonight's competition?

- No. - I can't do it.

You will be exquisite, Miss Bevan. You need it not.

- How can you be so sure? - Because a mountain stream runs always downhill.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

But you was right about one thing, though...

That blindfold took me away to another world.

And I don't mean like Center Parcs. No, it was...

Silly! I imagined I was Conchita, a Spanish waitress from Madrid.

Oh, and do you speak Spanish?

Claro que hablo Espanol.

Hablo con el estilo y la pasion de una mujer que ha pasado tres anos en Magaluf como guia turistico.

CONTINUES TO SPEAK SPANISH

I shall take that as a yes.

I imagined a name for you and all - the Wolf.

El Lobo.

They do have wolves in Spain, don't they?

The beasts of the Basque.

What are we waiting for?!

CASTANETS PLAY

Same again, please, Sam. Jag.

Would the lady care to dance?

- Michael! - I would be honoured if you escorted me onto the dance floor.

And what if I refuse?

If I hold out my arm any longer I'm going to get cramp,

so I'll need a nurse anyway.

When did you tell them to do that?

Whilst you were studying your glass.

Oh, so smooth.

I really am.

What dance are we doing exactly?

I think it's called the shuffle round the room and hold onto each other dance.

My favourite.

Oh!

- I hate it when we fight. - Which is why we're not going to ever again.

Maybe a tad unrealistic, but I like the idea.

About Rob... You don't need to explain.

No, I want to.

The only thing between us is friendship.

Well, that and the fact we're Luke's parents.

I know.

Oh, no, no, no! No members of the public allowed on the dance floor.

Shoo, shoo!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Strictly at the Frisky!

Nice to see you at the Frisky Fox.

To see you at the Frisky Fox...

Nice!

FEEDBACK THROUGH MIKE

Duff crowd.

Good evening, my people.

On the judging panel this evening will be myself,

Mayor Auntie Brenda.

And me, Nina Indira Chowdhury, co-owner of this establishment.

And we appear to be joined by... I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Scott fucking Quinnel.

Uh, this gentleman.

I always think that dancing -

What a lovely story. So, the rules tonight are simple.

Each couple has a number. When your number is called, you must leave the floor immediately.

The last couple remaining will be the winner.

There will be two dances, beginning with...

- La salsa! - Salsa!

As a connoisseur of dance, I must say I'm quite impressed.

Apart from Yanto. He's got more flare in his trousers.

I think Yanto and Carole must be the first to go.

You know what, though, that pair - Be quiet!

If you knew anything about dancing, you'd have been on Strictly like Gavin is!

Thank you for dancing, couple number 6.

I can dance ballroom but I hate Latin.

I've never forgotten the Falklands.

Thank you for dancing, couple number 1.

Couple number 5.

Couple number 9.

Couple number 7.

I thought you were very unlucky, Carole.

That's very nice, but we weren't.

I'm sure Yanto will make it up to you somehow.

To be honest, Jag, he's not my type.

I mean, the love poetry... There's only so many words that rhyme with shrapnel.

Well that is sad to hear, but also splendid.

Splendid, because you see, Carole, I...

How can I put this?

I know... Have you heard the age-old parable -

Play your cards right, there'll be more where that came from later.

APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen, down to the last two couples.

- You are on fire, Conchita. - You make me roar, El Lobo.

- Gird your loins. - I've got no choice in these trousers.

Well, I think we can agree that couple number 2 are worthy winners.

Surely a joke?! It has to be couple number 4.

What?! Have you been smoking the reefer?

I've never been so insulted in all my life!

And I haven't even started!

Right, well, it's a bit shit there has to be a loser.

But there does, so...

...the winners are...

APPLAUSE

I'd just like to sing this song for a very special lady.

♪ Have I told you lately

♪ That I love you?

♪ Have I told you there's no-one else above you?

I hear Uncle Clem's quite a character.

He bought me my first pint.

Well, I say bought. I had to give him the money, he went to the bar.

Right, I got you a mineral water. Is that OK?

No, but it's what I'm supposed to have.

- Lovely bubbles. - Cheers.

If you ever fancy going for a run, I'll keep you company.

Could do with getting fit myself.

Maybe. Didn't cover myself in glory at the boxing, did I?

Look, I know it's none of my business, but if you don't tell Luke

he's going to find out from someone else.

Wouldn't it be better coming from you?

Both of you.

SHE LAUGHS

To Conchita and El Lobo.

Conchita and El Lobo.

You were amazing.

As were you.

♪ Take away all my sadness

♪ Fill my life with gladness

♪ Ease my troubles, that's what you do ♪

Certificate for coming second...

At least it has its uses, I suppose.

Conchita!

Female dancers - divas.

All of them.

Night.

How long have you known?

A while.

How long?

I had a heart attack in April.

- You had a heart attack? - A minor one.

You had a heart attack, and you didn't think to tell me?

I'm sorry.

- Well, obviously you knew. - I haven't known long.

But... yeah.

Why are you always doing this? I'm 30, for Christ's sake!

You don't have to lie to me all the - time. - We didn't exactly lie.

Your dad's come over from Canada to visit you and the kids, Luke.

Your dad's collapsed because of some silly diet, Luke.

I know this is a shock, but there's still so many things the doctors can do.

- Isn't there, Rob? - I know you're a nurse, but an expert on heart disease now, is it?

Don't have a go at your mother. I should have told you. I just couldn't find the right time.

When is the right time, Rob? When you're dead?!

Luke...

I don't want to talk.

I'm sorry, Zoe.

See yourselves out.

Oh. You.

OK, kiddo.

I may not have been telling the whole truth earlier.

The thing is...

I've got nothing.

And that's the God's honest.

I've got nothing, and no-one, and nowhere to go.

You're the only one I know who won't turn me away.

You wouldn't turn me away...

Will you?

I don't know where Luke gets that temper from.

Must be you.

Well, at least he knows the truth now.

Some of it.

What do you mean?

I had these tests done. I didn't tell you.

- What tests? - To see if I could withstand a bypass.

And it turns out that I can't.

My consultant rang me this afternoon.

Right, well, what are we going to do, then, because we've got to do something.

Drugs, or -Suspect they may have run out of options.

Oh, Jesus, Rob, every time you come back you're like this exploding bomb that blows my fucking world apart!

Sorry, that's probably the most self-centred thing I've ever said.

I just can't imagine you not being here, that's all.

Thanks for the lift.

Have you ever done something that you regret?

I want you gone by the end of the - day. - Come on, B!

I request that you leave - immediately. - You don't fire me, mush!

I resign!

- Are you all right? - No, bloody again.

It's Braxton Hicks, or indigestion.

I want to call Mikey.

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