Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Beyonce Evans is having your baby, and you won't talk to her,

or see her, or even acknowledge it's happening.

This is so brilliant, seeing you - tonight. - Going to walk me home?

Can we keep her in a cool place for a couple of days?

You'll never guess what he do for a living...

Knock me sideways on a seesaw!

Accuse me again, and I'll walk out of here, and never look back.

My only interest is the welfare of my son. Do you understand?

Yes, I understand, OK?

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating, I go weak inside

♪ La la la, la la la ♪

Do you know what? You can keep your French Riviera, and your banks of Lake Windermere.

Give me sunny Pontyberry any day of the week.

Christ, you've got a lot of courgettes.

Thanks.

- What a beautiful day. - Mm.

- Perfect for a car boot sale. - Yay!

Oh, come on. I've paid for the pitch now, and anyway, you never know...

Might actually make some money. Another 80 quid, and I can get the exhaust fixed on the car.

- Let me pay for it. - Read my lips...

You haven't got no money.

Read mine. Nor have you.

Anyway, I'm slowly paying off my debts.

Yeah, well, you're not out of the woods yet, and until you are

it's car boots and competitions for us, my boy.

All right, Mike? I've got some more donkey dung.

Beautiful stuff. Shall I sling it on?

Right.

CRUNCHING

CLICKING

PHONE RINGS

Ivan Schloss, international director of funerals. Ivan Schloss speaking.

Yes, I remember.

Well, yes, but as the other day I explained, we're not yet open for the business.

Of course. No, please...

Do not yourself upset.

Where may I locate the deceased?

EXHALES

PHONE RINGS

SHE GASPS

You know, I'm still waiting for you to walk me home.

Look, what happened was, I was meant to go on holiday, right,

and my stepmother turned up, and I couldn't -

- Little Al? - Anyway, see you around, yeah?

What?!

Are you doing your Ponty scrambled - eggs? - Yeah, if you want.

I love being single. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I can see why you like it so much. Right.

PHONE RINGS

It's Cerys Berris lives in the Terrace.

- Just leave it. - What's she doing, ringing for?

I don't know, she's just... I don't know.

Oh, my God. Has she actually got a thing for you or something?

Probably best to leave it.

- All right. - God...

Oh... Is Little Alan there?

- Yes, I am. - No, he's not.

Listen, love, you're really nice an' that, but Little Alan's not interested.

So do yourself a favour, and leave him alone, yeah?

PHONE BEEPS

Don't think you'll be getting no trouble from her no more.

Hey, Bobs, Little Alan's doing breakfast.

What's up with your face? I don't know, you look... clean.

- What's up? - Yes, well, the old Bobs is back, and I've got no time to eat.

I've got detective work to do.

- Ready, then? - I've done a flask.

What in the name of James Dean Bradfield are you two doing this time of the morning?!

Lovely day.

Creeping home!

I reckon Stella Morris and Michael Jackson have been having it off all night in his shed.

Disgusting, especially after going to a Christening.

Fair play. Genevieve has definitely got my mam's forehead.

How would you know what your mam's forehead looked like?

She's been Botoxing it for 20-odd years. There's nothing left of the original.

Are you feeling fruity, babes?

Not in front of the baby, man, Karl.

What do you think I am? A lap dancer?

Oh, I reckon she'll drop off now in a bit.

- Good. - Which means you and me can nip upstairs for a half-hour.

- No, Karl. - Oh, Nadine!

It's been months, and I've had nothing!

Not even a little nosh. And I'm back on the rigs tomorrow.

A man has, you know... needs, like.

I told you, Karl - I'm not tucking into no blackberry pie and custard with a baby asleep in the house.

It's disgusting.

All I can see is a sign saying "open soon".

Fat lot of good that is.

He hasn't got nothing in the window.

No coffins, no headstones, no nothing.

Give them here.

For God's sake... Yep.

What?

I think the eagle has just landed.

Wait there.

Auntie Brenda, be careful. We know absolutely nothing about him.

He could be north Walian!

Oh, good God!

- May I assist you? - No, I was just -

Then please excuse me.

This is a very delicate procedure.

She was big -I've had bigger.

Do you want a hand, because I don't reckon you'll manage this on your own.

No, no, I have it all under control.

Well, yes, actually, if you do not mind.

I'll take her tail end.

Oh!

This'll be whatyacall Parker, I should imagine, is it?

From up the Magga Road. Belonging to St Pike.

I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to reveal identities of the deceased.

If we just go in at more of an angle.

That's it. Won't have to bend.

No, I fear she plays not ball. Let us take a breather.

HE GASPS

I have maybe been a little rash, taking on your custom when I'm not up and running, so to speak.

Ivan Schloss, international director of funerals.

Auntie Brenda, friend of the people.

Ooh!

Hey, Stell, can I ask you something?

A car boot sale is not somewhere you go to buy a car boot.

No, no, no. I did use to wonder.

No, what it is - me and Nadine, we still haven't...

you know, done it, like, since the baby.

HE WHISTLES

- Shut up, Michael. - I mean, you were the same, weren't you, after Ben? Didn't want me nowhere near you.

Yeah, but to be fair, that's because I found out you were shagging someone else.

OK, minor detail, but we just need bit of time on our own.

So I thought I'd do Nadine one of my special baths.

- With Nutella in it. - Nutella?

Yeah, get her in the mood, like. Sounds fantastic.

Aye, so we need a bit of privacy, like.

So I was wondering if you could babysit for -

Oh, don't even think about it.

A car boot is no place for a baby.

That should hold, for a bit anyway.

- Thanks. - Mam!

- Oh, hiya. - Glad I caught you.

- All right? - Yeah, all right.

Got a load of a stuff here. Could be - worth a few quid. - Oh, not your signed rugby shirt.

Yeah, collector's items, I reckon. You don't want to sell it.

- You was dead proud of that. - Mam, I'm skint.

You couldn't do us a favour, could - you? - I ain't babysitting, Karl.

Probably ever again. Ask Ben to do it.

Ask Ben to do what?

BABY CRIES

Really...?

You are killing me!

It's been loved.

All right?

This mouthwash hasn't been used, has it, Stella?

What? No. Of course it hasn't.

What's the catch? Out of date?

April of next year.

- So what's your refund policy? - Oh, for the love of Mike,

it's half a dozen bottles of mouthwash at a car boot sale.

If you don't want it, move on, and that goes for you too, Betty Wong.

Very well, I'll give you £10.

Not a penny less, not a penny...

less.

Make it £15, and I'll throw in a bottle of toilet cleaner.

Done.

Bit of a natural, aren't I?

Mm!

- How much for this? - Oh, actually, that's not for sale.

It is. Luke wants you to sell it. - No, he doesn't. - Yes, he does. He asked you -

BUT what about this, Mrs Wong?

Antique christening gown.

It looks like manky duster.

Nadine?

SHE STARTS

Bloody hell, man, Karl! What are you doing staring at me like a dog in a ditch?!

Feeling better, after your sleep?

- Where's Genevieve? - Out for a walk.

Not on her own, like. Well...

She can't walk yet, can she, and even if she could -Karl!

- Ben has taken her. - Right...

So...

how about it, sexy sock?

Oh, go on, then, if you must.

Oh!

I've missed this. I can't tell you how much.

SHE SNIFFS

What's that smell?

Bobby Gittins, will you put that stinking cigarette out?!

It's coming right in my bedroom. It's disgusting.

- Shut your eyes a minute. - What are you doing, man, Karl? I just had my eyes shut!

Shut your eyes. I've got a surprise.

Now open them!

- What the hell is that?! - I thought you liked will.i.am.

You always say he's your favourite on The Voice.

I wrote a little rap and everything.

Yo, 'dine, my queen...

my 99 ice-cream!

- Hah! - I'm sorry, Karl.

This isn't going to work. I've lost my inclination.

- Oh, come on! - No, Karl. I said no!

Now leave it.

♪ ..my oh my

♪ Baby, how you do that, make a grown man cry ♪

Don't even look at me. Whole hour I waited.

I thought you'd been murdered. Or sold into White slave traffic, but no...

There you were, jolly as a German, sat drinking tea with Mr Ivan Big Bollocks Schloss!

Listen, the man's desperate for help.

He got thingummy Parker lying there, God rest her sherry-swilling soul,

just waiting to be undertook.

HE GASPS

But he can't undertake her until he's found an assistant.

So... So...

I told him all about you.

How he won't find a more experienced and talented funeral director this side of Treorchy.

Yadda yadda yadda.

- Yes, well, that is true. - And he wants to meet you.

- Oh, my God! When? - Tomorrow.

- Oh! - You've got a slot at 2.30.

Oh, brilliant. What slot?!

Recruitment day. He's seeing about 20-odd people.

- Recruitment day?! - So I thought I might go for it an' all.

And what in the name of the Manic Street Preachers do you know about undertaking?!

That's what I said, but Ivan reckons that my experience as a local councillor would go a long way.

BLOWS A RASPBERRY

You don't stand a chance, Auntie Brenda.

Well, we'll just see about that, shall we, Bobby Gittins?

May the best man - or woman - win.

Are you much of a dancer, then, Yants?

I got rhythm in my DNA.

And what about you, Carole? How light is your fandango?

Hey, watch it, you.

SHE SHRIEKS

Dad...

Promise me you won't go off on one.

- Oh, my God, what have you done? - No, it's nothing like that. And it's not the end of the world.

Just tell me, for goodness' sake. OK, it's the dance teacher.

- Has she died? - What? No.

But she's cancelled tomorrow night. She can't do that.

She got offered six months on a Mediterranean cruise, teaching ballet to a load of pensioners.

- Which would you choose? - You should have booked somebody with low ambition.

And I shouldn't have depended on you to do it.

Look, calm down. I'll sort it, OK?

- How? - I don't know yet.

I just will.

We can go rock climbing, and we can make our own beer.

Even, I was thinking, we could start our own band.

Ooh, and the other thing I thought we could do, and this won't cost us nothing,

is go camping up Brecon, like we did for Sunil's stag do.

- Sunny's stag do was pants. - I know, but that's because the oldies were with us.

Oi, you two. I don't suppose you know any dance instructors?

- What? - I'm in a right load of do-do.

The dance teacher's bailed on us for this Strictly thing at the pub.

My dad's going mental. What am I going to do?

Emigrate?

Me and him entered Got to Dance once. We met Ashley Banjo.

Have you got his number? Can I call him?

Yeah, OK.

Right!

Hang on. Have you seriously got Ashley Banjo's mobile number?

- Yeah, he gave it to me. - That's amazing.

Why did you never tell me? You can add that to the list, then.

- Diversity. - Yeah, maybe.

Hey, Ashley. My name's Jasminder Choudary.

I'm a mate of Little Alan's.

Ashley Banjo is teaching the class? Yes.

- But she's famous, isn't she? - Dad!

- She's also a he. - Well, I don't know about these modern names.

- Morning. - So sorry. I didn't see you there.

Auntie Brenda tells me you may have a room available.

Oh...

Hey, not bad.

67 quid so far.

Wow, so that's two-thirds of an exhaust, or one and a half tyres. Decisions, decisions...

Aw, love's young dream!

Well... maybe not so young.

Oh, Stell, I remember when you used to wear these in school.

- Do you? - Aye, used to make your arse look massive.

- What are you saying? - Used to make her arse look cock-huge, Mam.

Yeah. Do you want to buy them, Rhian, or not?

- If you don't, put them back. - God, you must be out of your comfort zone, Mike.

Getting down with the masses, fighting over knock-off gear.

Selling... What's this? Banana holders for 50p a throw.

- I'm going to start packing up. - Don't go because of me. I only wanted to give you something.

I was going to drop it off at the house, but...

seeing as I'm here...

- What's that? - I bought a buggy for the sprog.

Oh, right, well, better late than never.

Well, you said you wanted to help out.

- Which I do. - Just over £400 it was.

- 400 quid?! - Beautiful quality, mind, Stell. Top of the range.

What's it made of? Platinum?!

Yes, OK, I don't have the money here. Obviously.

- No worries. - Hang on a minute. You can't just expect him -

Stella. It's fine. I'll get it to you, OK?Cheers.

Expensive shag, wasn't it, Mike?

- What did she say? - She said it was an expensive cocking shag, Mam!

Right, come on, you lot. We're never going to get that on the cocking bus.

Reading this, I am so out of the loop.

The funeral game have raced ahead since I was playing it.

That's the thing about death - it waits for no man.

Give us a packet of smoky bacon, will you, babe?

For instance, did you know that Wind Beneath My Wings is number one in the crem top ten?

Abide With Me don't get a look-in.

♪ Abide with me...

♪ Fast falls the eventide... ♪

God, what if I've lost it?

What if I couldn't undertake my way out of a paper bag no more?

And that Ivan Schloss starts laughing me out of the room.

Spits in my face, and hangs me out to dry in front of the whole funeral directing fraternity.

Please...

Allow me.

Thank you very much.

- What's he doing here? - Moved into room three. Staying indefinitely.

You are most welcome to Pontyberry, Mr Schloss.

If there is anything I can do to improve your stay... Anything as long as it is legal!

HE LAUGHS

- You're too kind. - Actually, I'm serious about it being legal.

Ivan, love, you've arrived!

I trust your room is to your liking?

Indeed.

I told him - if there's anything you can do to improve his stay, anything as long as it's legal...

then he's to ask.

- I just said that. - Auntie Brenda, might I have a word?

So, what in the name of Shaking Stevens do you think you're doing?

He needed a room. I suggested this place.

He needed lunch. I'm buying.

I'm merely giving comfort and succour to the new kid in town.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

We'll have two steaks. Very rare.

Look at her - all over him like a cat in a hot tin of pilchards.

Bumming him like there's no tomorrow!

Yeah, well, two can play that game.

She's not the only one in town who knows how to bum.

Bobby Gittins is a natural-born bummer.

And let no-one tell you otherwise.

I didn't want her thinking I've got no money. It's embarrassing.

You haven't, Michael. That's just - overdraft. - I know what I'm doing, OK?!

You're just going to give in to her every time she asks for something?

I mean, 400 quid?!

There was a bloke on the pitch next to us selling a pram for £50.

- Nothing wrong with it. - I am not buying my son a buggy from a Pontyberry car boot sale!

Oh, the baby won't know no different.

- - God, you're such a snob. - I'm not. - I wouldn't mind, but you can't afford to be.

- What's that supposed to mean? - You're overdrawn constantly.

You just about break even every - month. - It's not always going to be like that.

Suddenly, as if by magic you've got enough money for top-of-the-range products

for a baby that up until yesterday you didn't want to know.

♪ I won't give up on us...

Oh, bloody car!

♪ Even if the skies get rough

♪ I'm giving you all my love... ♪

It's not that I don't think you should support her.

I understand you've got to do that.

But I know what she's like, and she'll take you for a ride.

You've already -Stella!

You get my meaning.

All I'm saying is, let me deal with her next time.

Because you're too polite, and I'm from Pontyberry.

I've still got to give her the money. I've said I would now.

All right. I just don't like dancing to her tune, that's all. It does my head in.

- See you later. - What have you got there?

Oh, this? Undertaker of the Year Awards 2009.

Best Newcomer, Bobby Gittins.

DOOR BELL RINGS

I knew it'd come in handy one day. I'll get that.

Undertaker of the Year Awards. Does that actually exist?

- Amazing. - Michael?

It's Beyonce.

Leave it to me.

She's claiming she's owed some money.

Yeah, it's all right, thanks, Bobs.

You didn't waste much time, did you?

Hiya, babes. I was just passing, so...

Yeah, well, it's not convenient for us at the moment, so you'll have to come back.

- No, Daddy-o! - I've got your money. Great.

He's good as his word, fair play. It's all there.

But just so you know, I'll be setting up a proper maintenance agreement,

so we all know where we stand, OK?

- Fine by me. - Babies don't need designer gear, and I can't afford to pay for it.

Yeah, whatever.

Like I said, you'll get what's fair, but I'm no pushover.

Hasn't always been the case, though, has it, Mike?

Come on, girls.

Beyonce... Mm?

Say thank you.

Thank you!

I'm sorry. I know you wanted to deal - with her. - Oh, it's sorted now.

She knows where we stand.

It's fine.

It's not fine, is it?

Nothing about this situation is fine.

Sweetheart, we may as well accept that girl is going to be in our lives for at least the next 18 years.

- Great. - That doesn't mean she has to take over everything.

So can we have our Sunday back now, please?

We've got a picnic to go to.

I'll make a start on the sandwiches.

All I'm saying, Karl, is it's private.

You don't go discussing it with all and sundry at a picnic on Pontyberry Hill.

Stella don't mind, do you, Stella?

- We have to walk the dogs. - Do we? Yeah.

Before they mention shagging again.

Banjo!

I think it's a very common problem, Nadine, not wanting sex after childbirth.

What do you reckon, Luke? How long after Sophie was born was you and Zoe bonking?

- No comment. - Michael...

Tell everyone about your new client.

Michael's got a big, important meeting tomorrow with this bloke from Bahrain.

- You're such a class act. - What?

Mohammad Al-Hammadi is a multi-millionaire investor.

You just reduced him to "this bloke from Bahrain".

Incidentally, he's from Kuwait, and he's not our client yet.

- No, but he will be. - What about after Katie was born?

Did you and the ex-missus get back on the horse, like, straightaway?

Um...

Oh, Lukey, I've got something for you.

Your rugby shirt fetched 67 quid this morning at the car boot sale.

That's bloody brilliant. Cheers, mam.

Stella...

Bit of cash for him, isn't it, - Michael? - Nice one.

Fucking hell. Yanto just texted me.

Andy Fairweather Low is playing in the Fox.

Oh, immense. I reckon this was his biggest hit.

- Wide Eyed and Legless. - You can't be serious.

Surely Bend Me Shape Me Any Way You Want Me is the Weather Low signature song?

Either way, the man's a ledge.

Now, can I get you a nice cup of tea, Ivan?

- No, thank you, and it's Ee-van. - What about a hot chocolate?

A mint infusion, or a small brandy?

- - Hiya, Ivan. - Ee-van. - Ee-van. I was having a bit of a clear-out earlier, and look what I found.

Undertaker of the Year Awards.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Yes, have you ever been? No, of course you haven't,

because you're not actually an undertaker, whereas I...

actually am.

I won Best Newcomer 2009, and runner-up the following two years.

I'm afraid I set no store by award ceremonies.

They are without meaning or merit, like so many things of life.

Oooh...

Well, if you don't want nothing else, I'll go and settle up.

Auntie Brenda, it is too kind -Put your money away, kid!

I'm getting this.

So, my friends, I hope you'll be joining us tomorrow for the dancing.

Oh, Michael can't. Back up in London, aren't you, deserting me again.

But Karl, maybe you and Nadine should sign up.

Might sort out your little problem.

- Eh? - Well, isn't dance meant to be... what is it?

The vertical expression of a - horizontal desire. - Yes.

I'm starting to worry that I'm never going to want to have shenanigans ever again.

Karl gets so...

determined, like a bull.

And I just feel I'm some kind of receptacle.

It's a shame you can't just get really drunk.

That's what I used to do, with Karl anyway.

Oh, very romantic.

Well, maybe this dance class IS a good idea.

- Might get things going. - Your friend is correct.

- Sorry? - The dance will uplift your soul.

Two hearts beating as one.

Four eyes seeing as two.

Eight limbs moving as...

- Four. - Four.

I have said enough. Please, excuse me.

What the heck was all that about?!

I don't know, but I reckon he might have a point, mind.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Pontyberry, you've been a fantastic audience.

- I am centred. - I am centred.

- I am rooted. - I am rooted.

My intention for the day is...

to get that bloody job, because it's mine, it's got my bloody name written all over it,

and Auntie Brenda's a joke, I tell you, an absolute joke!

INHALES DEEPLY

♪ Hummmmmmm ♪

TRILLS

The back brake block's broke.

Red lorry, yellow lorry, mmmm.

SINGS

HONKS

The name's Brenda. Auntie Brenda.

I am so very sorry for your loss,

and whatchyacall...

Weeee!

Hey, it's just like the olden days, isn't it?

- You and me with Emma and Ben. - Not really, Karl, no.

I don't ever remember you coming to baby group.

- Not once. - Yeah, OK, minor detail.

Me and Nadine, we still haven't done it, by the way.

- Oh, God. - I was thinking last night, after Andy Fairweather Low, I might have been in with a shout.

But no. I've even been thinking about getting one of them blow-up dolls.

- Oh! - They're ever so lifelike nowadays.

One of the boys on the rigs has got one.

Karl, shut up!

Look...

You could try talking to her in a foreign language.

Always gets me going when Michael does Arabic.

ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK ARABIC

What does that mean?

Climb on top of my mountain of love, oh raven-headed beauty.

But I don't know no Arabic.

- I know a bit of Welsh, like. - There we are, then - do a bit of Welsh.

SPEAKS WELSH

- What does that mean? - Spinach.

I would like to thank you all for coming here today.

And I'd like to begin proceedings with a Madame Rhian Evans.

Aye, that's me.

Can I bring the cocking dog?

Which of your own personal qualities do you best feel suits that of an undertaker?

Spitting...?

- - Optimism. - Empathy. - Um...

I could do this job in my sleep.

The job involves much heavy lifting. Would you say you are physically strong?

- - As an ox. - As an ox. - As a cocking ox's cock.

Um... Feel that, mate.

And why exactly have you applied for the job?

Because I desperately, desperately need one, like.

- Because you told me to, Ivan. - Um...

Because I lose my cocking Jobseekers if I don't.

Look, why are we messing about? We both know I'm the only man for the job.

The rest of them are a bunch of jokers.

And I know the word for Millennium Stadium. It's Stadiwm y Mileniwm.

So that's sbigoglys, popty ping,

and Stadiwm y Mileniwm.

Do you think that'll get her going?

Well, as long as she doesn't find out that what you're actually saying

is spinach in the microwave in the Millennium Stadium.

Oh, my God. Is that the bailiff?

- Mum! - What's going on?

It's immense. You've won a car!

THEY GREET EACH OTHER IN ARABIC

Would you like to recap for us, Michael?

Uh, yes, OK. You alleged that Mr Jameson defrauded your company Al-Hammadi Holdings.

He then sued YOU for misappropriation of funds.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry.

Anyway, we believe that Mr Jameson is effectively trying to embarrass you into dropping your lawsuit.

How do you propose we respond?

Easy. You countersue him for blackmail and extortion.

I like this man. I think he's going to win my case for me.

PHONE RINGS

I thought you'd switched that off. Yeah, sorry.

Please. Somebody's very keen to speak with you.

Hi, can I call you back?

What?

Yeah, it's a grey one. From that prize draw I entered.

Darling, that's brilliant.

I'll send you a photo. It is absolutely stunning.

- Um, yeah. - Oh, my God, you're still in that meeting...

- - Uh, yeah. - I'm so sorry. - No, no, it's fine.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

- Have I got into trouble now? - No, of course not.

Send me that photo. I love you.

I love you too. But not as much as the car.

Sorry about that. My girlfriend's just won a car.

How wonderful.

She never has... Well, things like that don't happen to her, so...

Oh, God, this car is so lush to drive.

- Can I have a go? - You're joking.

I'm not letting you nowhere near this steering wheel.

Not with your track record.

- Gutted. - That is so unfair!

Do you reckon now you've got a new car, I can have your old one?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, technically, it's Luke's, remember,

even if it is a wreck.

BOYS CONTINUE CHATTING

We could take it camping, couldn't we, Mum?

Uh, yeah.

Maybe.

I called Daddy Simpson in New Zealand for a reference.

Took a while to track him down. He was body surfing in Tauranga.

It's on the North Island.

Anyway, he said that YOU, Auntie Brenda, are a force to be reckoned with.

Gale force, more like.

And that you'd be supportive and loyal, and highly efficient.

But she's no bloody undertaker. Whereas you...

Bobsy, are a highly experienced funeral director with local knowledge and a bedside manner to die for.

Bad choice of words, but you get my drift.

So...

- Oh, for God's sake! - Stop dragging it out, you sadistic little shit!

Sorry.

Auntie Brenda, you will be my -Oh, I don't believe it.

My brand-new receptionist.

- Receptionist? - And you...

Bobsy Gittins, will be my assistant undertaker.

Unless you've changed your mind.

No!

No, that's fantastic.

Receptionist?!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

You've got a nerve, Ivan Slosh. Schloss...

Coming here with your strange Lithuanian ways...

I'm not Lithuanian -Pitting people like me and him against each other!

We were perfectly happy before you came along, and now you expect me to be your receptionist!

With a view to being trained up as an undertaker.

When do we start, kid?

I'm finishing early today. Max is taking me to the opera.

- - Oh. - Well done, again. - Thank you.

I like working with you, Michael.

A lot.

See you tomorrow.

Bloody hell! What...

I just wish you'd talked to me before you sold it.

Why? It was my car.

I know, but you didn't need to sell it.

Look, if Beyonce comes at you again with more bills,

which let's face it, she will, you've got the cash to sort it.

Stella...

You're too kind, you know.

Why? Because I water your cabbages?

Good soaking. You missed a bit.

I got to go. My shift starts in half an hour, and it's the dance class tonight.

Mum, what's this about you selling the new car?!

- Here we go. - Good luck.

- Still not answering. - Well, if he said he'll be here, then he'll be here.

- That is what he said, isn't it? - Not exactly...

- What do you mean, not exactly? - Well, he didn't actually say anything,

because I didn't actually speak to him.

- I just left him a message. - Are you trying to tell me there are people in there

who have all paid, and are waiting for a man who will never turn up?!

He might turn up. Little Al said he's a really nice bloke.

My thinking is, well, you don't miss what you never had, do you?

It's nice to drive, mind.

Automatic.

- Another bloody Mary, please. - Coming up.

- What's happened? - It's disgusting.

People have paid good money for this class, and Ashley Banjo hasn't turned up.

I'm ruined.

Oh, just stick a bit of music on, let everyone have a disco.

Is there a dance teacher in the house?

I may regret this. Lead me to the dance floor.

No, but that is the point, Mr Sloss... Shlosh...

- Schloss. - There is no dance class. There is no teacher.

There is no teacher.

There is now.

♪ Let's get loud

You don't look like a dancer to me.

♪ Let's get loud

♪ Let's get loud, let's get loud

♪ Turn the music up to hear that sound

♪ Let's get loud, let's get loud

♪ Ain't nobody gotta tell you what you gotta do... ♪

Whoo!

Thank you, thank you. I am a little rusted, but you get the general...

Some water?

So now, over to you. We'll take it very slowly, step by step.

Please.

♪ Uepa!

Hold your partner like this. Very good. Here we go.

♪ Un, dos, tres...

♪ Un pasito pa'atras... ♪

One, two, three, five, six, seven...

One, two, three, five, six, seven...

Excellent.

What's the matter with you? You're - all over the shop! - Shut up. Freestyling's more my thing.

Ashley Banjo would never make us do this stuff.

...five, six, seven.

Salsa!

...five, six, seven.

- Hi. - My dad was about to kill me.

Good old Slasher Schloss saved the day.

Outside, five minutes.

...five, six, seven, sexy!

Two, three...

I've got to give it to him - that cat can move.

He's my new boss, you know.

Very good.

One, two... Excellent.

Head up, please, over there. Thank you.

Karl, man! Stop standing on my bloody feet.

It's meant to be erotic.

Excellent, excellent.

- Ow! - Sorry. I'm sorry.

Look... I can't stop thinking about you.

Even when I'm cleaning my teeth.

And it's annoying, really, because you're in my head constantly,

but I can't go out with you because Ben's gutted about Lily dumping him.

He's decided me and him are going to hang out all holidays, no girls,

just a lads' summer, whatever that is, so if I start to see you he'll feel well pissed-off.

I know what he's like. He'll be all melodramatic, and use the word betrayer.

So don't tell him.

What?

Don't tell him we're seeing each other.

♪ ..when you call me, baby

♪ I know I'm not the only one ♪

Dad, I'm so sorry about Ashley Banjo.

He probably thought I was a nutter. Yes, probably.

Still, it doesn't matter. There is an old saying my great-grandmother used to say.

A dog can sometimes make a better cat.

- Sorry, you've lost me there. - Well, take Shlosh.

- Schloss. - Schloss...

He may have actually turned out to be better than the Banjo.

CHEERING

- Where have you been? - Bog.

Well, let's go home. Tonight's been a totally rubbish night.

Yeah. Totally... rubbish night.

Don't be alarmed.

- What are you doing here? - I've got something for you.

That's an awful long way to come for a quickie.

Mm...

Go look out the window.

- What's going on? - Look out the window.

CHEERING

I went to the car lot, and I bought it back.

ALL CHEER

Am I actually dreaming this?

In all the time I've known you, you've never had anything.

You're always doing stuff for other people, and when you do get extra cash you give it away to your kids.

Or to me.

Well, now it's your turn, Stella Morris.

Oh, but sweetheart, the money... You need it for the baby, and what about

We'll manage. Just have to keep doing the car boots.

Oh, isn't it romantic?

Being romantic never buttered no parsnips, Bobby Gittins.

That is so beautiful.

SPEAKS WELSH

Don't be disgusting.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you could offer me a lift to the station.

I need to get back to London before Maria notices I'm not there.

Bye!

- What are you doing here? - I'm on a college trip. I thought I'd surprise you.

- The Mayor is dead. - No!

- Mary the Mayor? - Yes. Mayor Mary Mare.

One, two, three, four, and round.

Oh!

Hello, Stella.

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