All language subtitles for Stella (2012) S05E02 (1080p NOW WEB-DL H264 SDR DDP 5.1 English - HONE)_track3_[eng]

The following programme contains
strong language.

Beyonce Evans is having your baby,
and you won't talk to her,

or see her, or even acknowledge it's
happening.

This is so brilliant, seeing you
- tonight.
- Going to walk me home?

Can we keep her in a cool place for
a couple of days?

You'll never guess what he do for a
living...

Knock me sideways on a seesaw!

Accuse me again, and I'll walk out
of here, and never look back.

My only interest is the welfare of
my son. Do you understand?

Yes, I understand, OK?

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating, I go
weak inside

♪ La la la, la la la ♪

Do you know what? You can keep your
French Riviera, and your banks of
Lake Windermere.

Give me sunny Pontyberry any day of
the week.

Christ, you've got a lot of
courgettes.

Thanks.

- What a beautiful day.
- Mm.

- Perfect for a car boot sale.
- Yay!

Oh, come on. I've paid for the pitch
now, and anyway, you never know...

Might actually make some money.
Another 80 quid, and I can get the
exhaust fixed on the car.

- Let me pay for it.
- Read my lips...

You haven't got no money.

Read mine. Nor have you.

Anyway, I'm slowly paying off my
debts.

Yeah, well, you're not out of the
woods yet, and until you are

it's car boots and competitions for
us, my boy.

All right, Mike? I've got some more
donkey dung.

Beautiful stuff. Shall I sling it
on?

Right.

CRUNCHING

CLICKING

PHONE RINGS

Ivan Schloss, international director
of funerals. Ivan Schloss speaking.

Yes, I remember.

Well, yes, but as the other day I
explained, we're not yet open for the
business.

Of course. No, please...

Do not yourself upset.

Where may I locate the deceased?

EXHALES

PHONE RINGS

SHE GASPS

You know, I'm still waiting for you
to walk me home.

Look, what happened was, I was meant
to go on holiday, right,

and my stepmother turned up, and I
couldn't -

- Little Al?
- Anyway, see you around, yeah?

What?!

Are you doing your Ponty scrambled
- eggs?
- Yeah, if you want.

I love being single. It's the best
thing that ever happened to me.

I can see why you like it so much.
Right.

PHONE RINGS

It's Cerys Berris lives in the
Terrace.

- Just leave it.
- What's she doing,
ringing for?

I don't know, she's just... I don't
know.

Oh, my God. Has she actually got a
thing for you or something?

Probably best to leave it.

- All right.
- God...

Oh... Is Little Alan there?

- Yes, I am.
- No, he's not.

Listen, love, you're really nice an'
that, but Little Alan's not
interested.

So do yourself a favour, and leave
him alone, yeah?

PHONE BEEPS

Don't think you'll be getting no
trouble from her no more.

Hey, Bobs, Little Alan's doing
breakfast.

What's up with your face? I don't
know, you look... clean.

- What's up?
- Yes, well, the old Bobs
is back, and I've got no time to
eat.

I've got detective work to do.

- Ready, then?
- I've done a flask.

What in the name of James Dean
Bradfield are you two doing this time
of the morning?!

Lovely day.

Creeping home!

I reckon Stella Morris and Michael
Jackson have been having it off all
night in his shed.

Disgusting, especially after going
to a Christening.

Fair play. Genevieve has definitely
got my mam's forehead.

How would you know what your mam's
forehead looked like?

She's been Botoxing it for 20-odd
years. There's nothing left of the
original.

Are you feeling fruity, babes?

Not in front of the baby, man, Karl.

What do you think I am? A lap
dancer?

Oh, I reckon she'll drop off now in
a bit.

- Good.
- Which means you and me can nip
upstairs for a half-hour.

- No, Karl.
- Oh, Nadine!

It's been months, and I've had
nothing!

Not even a little nosh. And I'm back
on the rigs tomorrow.

A man has, you know... needs, like.

I told you, Karl - I'm not tucking
into no blackberry pie and custard
with a baby asleep in the house.

It's disgusting.

All I can see is a sign saying "open
soon".

Fat lot of good that is.

He hasn't got nothing in the window.

No coffins, no headstones, no
nothing.

Give them here.

For God's sake... Yep.

What?

I think the eagle has just landed.

Wait there.

Auntie Brenda, be careful. We know
absolutely nothing about him.

He could be north Walian!

Oh, good God!

- May I assist you?
- No, I was just -

Then please excuse me.

This is a very delicate procedure.

She was big -I've had bigger.

Do you want a hand, because I don't
reckon you'll manage this on your
own.

No, no, I have it all under control.

Well, yes, actually, if you do not
mind.

I'll take her tail end.

Oh!

This'll be whatyacall Parker, I
should imagine, is it?

From up the Magga Road. Belonging to
St Pike.

I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to
reveal identities of the deceased.

If we just go in at more of an
angle.

That's it. Won't have to bend.

No, I fear she plays not ball. Let
us take a breather.

HE GASPS

I have maybe been a little rash,
taking on your custom when I'm not
up and running, so to speak.

Ivan Schloss, international director
of funerals.

Auntie Brenda, friend of the people.

Ooh!

Hey, Stell, can I ask you something?

A car boot sale is not somewhere you
go to buy a car boot.

No, no, no. I did use to wonder.

No, what it is - me and Nadine, we
still haven't...

you know, done it, like, since the
baby.

HE WHISTLES

- Shut up, Michael.
- I mean, you were
the same, weren't you, after Ben?
Didn't want me nowhere near you.

Yeah, but to be fair, that's because
I found out you were shagging someone
else.

OK, minor detail, but we just need
bit of time on our own.

So I thought I'd do Nadine one of my
special baths.

- With Nutella in it.
- Nutella?

Yeah, get her in the mood, like.
Sounds fantastic.

Aye, so we need a bit of privacy, like.

So I was wondering if you could
babysit for -

Oh, don't even think about it.

A car boot is no place for a baby.

That should hold, for a bit anyway.

- Thanks.
- Mam!

- Oh, hiya.
- Glad I caught you.

- All right?
- Yeah, all right.

Got a load of a stuff here. Could be
- worth a few quid.
- Oh, not your
signed rugby shirt.

Yeah, collector's items, I reckon.
You don't want to sell it.

- You was dead proud of that.
- Mam, I'm
skint.

You couldn't do us a favour, could
- you?
- I ain't babysitting, Karl.

Probably ever again. Ask Ben to do
it.

Ask Ben to do what?

BABY CRIES

Really...?

You are killing me!

It's been loved.

All right?

This mouthwash hasn't been used, has
it, Stella?

What? No. Of course it hasn't.

What's the catch? Out of date?

April of next year.

- So what's your refund policy?
- Oh,
for the love of Mike,

it's half a dozen bottles of
mouthwash at a car boot sale.

If you don't want it, move on, and
that goes for you too, Betty Wong.

Very well, I'll give you £10.

Not a penny less, not a penny...

less.

Make it £15, and I'll throw in a
bottle of toilet cleaner.

Done.

Bit of a natural, aren't I?

Mm!

- How much for this?
- Oh, actually,
that's not for sale.

It is. Luke wants you to sell it.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does. He
asked you -

BUT what about this, Mrs Wong?

Antique christening gown.

It looks like manky duster.

Nadine?

SHE STARTS

Bloody hell, man, Karl! What are you
doing staring at me like a dog in a
ditch?!

Feeling better, after your sleep?

- Where's Genevieve?
- Out for a walk.

Not on her own, like. Well...

She can't walk yet, can she, and even
if she could -Karl!

- Ben has taken her.
- Right...

So...

how about it, sexy sock?

Oh, go on, then, if you must.

Oh!

I've missed this. I can't tell you
how much.

SHE SNIFFS

What's that smell?

Bobby Gittins, will you put that
stinking cigarette out?!

It's coming right in my bedroom.
It's disgusting.

- Shut your eyes a minute.
- What are
you doing, man, Karl? I just had my
eyes shut!

Shut your eyes. I've got a surprise.

Now open them!

- What the hell is that?!
- I thought
you liked will.i.am.

You always say he's your favourite on
The Voice.

I wrote a little rap and everything.

Yo, 'dine, my queen...

my 99 ice-cream!

- Hah!
- I'm sorry, Karl.

This isn't going to work. I've lost
my inclination.

- Oh, come on!
- No, Karl. I said no!

Now leave it.

♪ ..my oh my

♪ Baby, how you do that, make a
grown man cry ♪

Don't even look at me. Whole hour I
waited.

I thought you'd been murdered. Or
sold into White slave traffic, but
no...

There you were, jolly as a German,
sat drinking tea with Mr Ivan Big
Bollocks Schloss!

Listen, the man's desperate for
help.

He got thingummy Parker lying there,
God rest her sherry-swilling soul,

just waiting to be undertook.

HE GASPS

But he can't undertake her until
he's found an assistant.

So... So...

I told him all about you.

How he won't find a more experienced
and talented funeral director this
side of Treorchy.

Yadda yadda yadda.

- Yes, well, that is true.
- And he wants
to meet you.

- Oh, my God! When?
- Tomorrow.

- Oh!
- You've got a slot at 2.30.

Oh, brilliant. What slot?!

Recruitment day. He's seeing about
20-odd people.

- Recruitment day?!
- So I thought I
might go for it an' all.

And what in the name of the Manic
Street Preachers do you know about
undertaking?!

That's what I said, but Ivan reckons
that my experience as a local
councillor would go a long way.

BLOWS A RASPBERRY

You don't stand a chance, Auntie
Brenda.

Well, we'll just see about that,
shall we, Bobby Gittins?

May the best man - or woman - win.

Are you much of a dancer, then,
Yants?

I got rhythm in my DNA.

And what about you, Carole? How
light is your fandango?

Hey, watch it, you.

SHE SHRIEKS

Dad...

Promise me you won't go off on one.

- Oh, my God, what have you done?
- No,
it's nothing like that. And it's not
the end of the world.

Just tell me, for goodness' sake.
OK, it's the dance teacher.

- Has she died?
- What? No.

But she's cancelled tomorrow night.
She can't do that.

She got offered six months on a
Mediterranean cruise, teaching ballet
to a load of pensioners.

- Which would you choose?
- You should
have booked somebody with low
ambition.

And I shouldn't have depended on you
to do it.

Look, calm down. I'll sort it, OK?

- How?
- I don't know yet.

I just will.

We can go rock climbing, and we can
make our own beer.

Even, I was thinking, we could start
our own band.

Ooh, and the other thing I thought
we could do, and this won't cost us
nothing,

is go camping up Brecon, like we did
for Sunil's stag do.

- Sunny's stag do was pants.
- I know,
but that's because the oldies were
with us.

Oi, you two. I don't suppose you
know any dance instructors?

- What?
- I'm in a right load of do-do.

The dance teacher's bailed on us for
this Strictly thing at the pub.

My dad's going mental. What am I
going to do?

Emigrate?

Me and him entered Got to Dance
once. We met Ashley Banjo.

Have you got his number? Can I call
him?

Yeah, OK.

Right!

Hang on. Have you seriously got
Ashley Banjo's mobile number?

- Yeah, he gave it to me.
- That's
amazing.

Why did you never tell me? You can
add that to the list, then.

- Diversity.
- Yeah, maybe.

Hey, Ashley. My name's Jasminder
Choudary.

I'm a mate of Little Alan's.

Ashley Banjo is teaching the class?
Yes.

- But she's famous, isn't she?
- Dad!

- She's also a he.
- Well, I don't know
about these modern names.

- Morning.
- So sorry. I didn't see you
there.

Auntie Brenda tells me you may have
a room available.

Oh...

Hey, not bad.

67 quid so far.

Wow, so that's two-thirds of an
exhaust, or one and a half tyres.
Decisions, decisions...

Aw, love's young dream!

Well... maybe not so young.

Oh, Stell, I remember when you used
to wear these in school.

- Do you?
- Aye, used to make your arse
look massive.

- What are you saying?
- Used to make
her arse look cock-huge, Mam.

Yeah. Do you want to buy them, Rhian,
or not?

- If you don't, put them back.
- God, you
must be out of your comfort zone,
Mike.

Getting down with the masses,
fighting over knock-off gear.

Selling... What's this? Banana
holders for 50p a throw.

- I'm going to start packing up.
- Don't
go because of me. I only wanted to
give you something.

I was going to drop it off at the
house, but...

seeing as I'm here...

- What's that?
- I bought a buggy for the
sprog.

Oh, right, well, better late than
never.

Well, you said you wanted to help
out.

- Which I do.
- Just over £400 it was.

- 400 quid?!
- Beautiful quality, mind,
Stell. Top of the range.

What's it made of? Platinum?!

Yes, OK, I don't have the money
here. Obviously.

- No worries.
- Hang on a minute. You
can't just expect him -

Stella. It's fine. I'll get it to
you, OK?Cheers.

Expensive shag, wasn't it, Mike?

- What did she say?
- She said it was an
expensive cocking shag, Mam!

Right, come on, you lot. We're never
going to get that on the cocking
bus.

Reading this, I am so out of the
loop.

The funeral game have raced ahead
since I was playing it.

That's the thing about death - it
waits for no man.

Give us a packet of smoky bacon, will
you, babe?

For instance, did you know that Wind
Beneath My Wings is number one in the
crem top ten?

Abide With Me don't get a look-in.

♪ Abide with me...

♪ Fast falls the eventide... ♪

God, what if I've lost it?

What if I couldn't undertake my way
out of a paper bag no more?

And that Ivan Schloss starts laughing
me out of the room.

Spits in my face, and hangs me out to
dry in front of the whole funeral
directing fraternity.

Please...

Allow me.

Thank you very much.

- What's he doing here?
- Moved into room
three. Staying indefinitely.

You are most welcome to Pontyberry,
Mr Schloss.

If there is anything I can do to
improve your stay... Anything as
long as it is legal!

HE LAUGHS

- You're too kind.
- Actually, I'm
serious about it being legal.

Ivan, love, you've arrived!

I trust your room is to your liking?

Indeed.

I told him - if there's anything you
can do to improve his stay, anything
as long as it's legal...

then he's to ask.

- I just said that.
- Auntie Brenda,
might I have a word?

So, what in the name of Shaking
Stevens do you think you're doing?

He needed a room. I suggested this
place.

He needed lunch. I'm buying.

I'm merely giving comfort and
succour to the new kid in town.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

We'll have two steaks. Very rare.

Look at her - all over him like a cat
in a hot tin of pilchards.

Bumming him like there's no tomorrow!

Yeah, well, two can play that game.

She's not the only one in town who
knows how to bum.

Bobby Gittins is a natural-born
bummer.

And let no-one tell you otherwise.

I didn't want her thinking I've got
no money. It's embarrassing.

You haven't, Michael. That's just
- overdraft.
- I know what I'm doing,
OK?!

You're just going to give in to her
every time she asks for something?

I mean, 400 quid?!

There was a bloke on the pitch next
to us selling a pram for £50.

- Nothing wrong with it.
- I am not
buying my son a buggy from a
Pontyberry car boot sale!

Oh, the baby won't know no different.

- - God, you're such a snob.
- I'm not.
- I
wouldn't mind, but you can't afford
to be.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're
overdrawn constantly.

You just about break even every
- month.
- It's not always going to be
like that.

Suddenly, as if by magic you've got
enough money for top-of-the-range
products

for a baby that up until yesterday
you didn't want to know.

♪ I won't give up on us...

Oh, bloody car!

♪ Even if the skies get rough

♪ I'm giving you all my love... ♪

It's not that I don't think you
should support her.

I understand you've got to do that.

But I know what she's like, and
she'll take you for a ride.

You've already -Stella!

You get my meaning.

All I'm saying is, let me deal with
her next time.

Because you're too polite, and I'm
from Pontyberry.

I've still got to give her the
money. I've said I would now.

All right. I just don't like dancing
to her tune, that's all. It does my
head in.

- See you later.
- What have you got
there?

Oh, this? Undertaker of the Year
Awards 2009.

Best Newcomer, Bobby Gittins.

DOOR BELL RINGS

I knew it'd come in handy one day.
I'll get that.

Undertaker of the Year Awards. Does
that actually exist?

- Amazing.
- Michael?

It's Beyonce.

Leave it to me.

She's claiming she's owed some
money.

Yeah, it's all right, thanks, Bobs.

You didn't waste much time, did you?

Hiya, babes. I was just passing,
so...

Yeah, well, it's not convenient for
us at the moment, so you'll have to
come back.

- No, Daddy-o!
- I've got your money.
Great.

He's good as his word, fair play.
It's all there.

But just so you know, I'll be
setting up a proper maintenance
agreement,

so we all know where we stand, OK?

- Fine by me.
- Babies don't need
designer gear, and I can't afford to
pay for it.

Yeah, whatever.

Like I said, you'll get what's fair,
but I'm no pushover.

Hasn't always been the case, though,
has it, Mike?

Come on, girls.

Beyonce... Mm?

Say thank you.

Thank you!

I'm sorry. I know you wanted to deal
- with her.
- Oh, it's sorted now.

She knows where we stand.

It's fine.

It's not fine, is it?

Nothing about this situation is
fine.

Sweetheart, we may as well accept
that girl is going to be in our lives
for at least the next 18 years.

- Great.
- That doesn't mean she has to
take over everything.

So can we have our Sunday back now, please?

We've got a picnic to go to.

I'll make a start on the sandwiches.

All I'm saying, Karl, is it's
private.

You don't go discussing it with all
and sundry at a picnic on Pontyberry
Hill.

Stella don't mind, do you, Stella?

- We have to walk the dogs.
- Do we?
Yeah.

Before they mention shagging again.

Banjo!

I think it's a very common problem,
Nadine, not wanting sex after
childbirth.

What do you reckon, Luke? How long
after Sophie was born was you and
Zoe bonking?

- No comment.
- Michael...

Tell everyone about your new client.

Michael's got a big, important
meeting tomorrow with this bloke
from Bahrain.

- You're such a class act.
- What?

Mohammad Al-Hammadi is a
multi-millionaire investor.

You just reduced him to "this bloke
from Bahrain".

Incidentally, he's from Kuwait, and
he's not our client yet.

- No, but he will be.
- What about after
Katie was born?

Did you and the ex-missus get back
on the horse, like, straightaway?

Um...

Oh, Lukey, I've got something for
you.

Your rugby shirt fetched 67 quid
this morning at the car boot sale.

That's bloody brilliant. Cheers, mam.

Stella...

Bit of cash for him, isn't it,
- Michael?
- Nice one.

Fucking hell. Yanto just texted me.

Andy Fairweather Low is playing in
the Fox.

Oh, immense. I reckon this was his
biggest hit.

- Wide Eyed and Legless.
- You can't be
serious.

Surely Bend Me Shape Me Any Way You
Want Me is the Weather Low signature
song?

Either way, the man's a ledge.

Now, can I get you a nice cup of
tea, Ivan?

- No, thank you, and it's Ee-van.
- What
about a hot chocolate?

A mint infusion, or a small brandy?

- - Hiya, Ivan.
- Ee-van.
- Ee-van. I was
having a bit of a clear-out earlier,
and look what I found.

Undertaker of the Year Awards.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Yes, have you ever been? No, of
course you haven't,

because you're not actually an
undertaker, whereas I...

actually am.

I won Best Newcomer 2009, and
runner-up the following two years.

I'm afraid I set no store by award
ceremonies.

They are without meaning or merit,
like so many things of life.

Oooh...

Well, if you don't want nothing
else, I'll go and settle up.

Auntie Brenda, it is too kind -Put
your money away, kid!

I'm getting this.

So, my friends, I hope you'll be
joining us tomorrow for the dancing.

Oh, Michael can't. Back up in
London, aren't you, deserting me
again.

But Karl, maybe you and Nadine
should sign up.

Might sort out your little problem.

- Eh?
- Well, isn't dance meant to
be... what is it?

The vertical expression of a
- horizontal desire.
- Yes.

I'm starting to worry that I'm never
going to want to have shenanigans
ever again.

Karl gets so...

determined, like a bull.

And I just feel I'm some kind of
receptacle.

It's a shame you can't just get
really drunk.

That's what I used to do, with Karl
anyway.

Oh, very romantic.

Well, maybe this dance class IS a
good idea.

- Might get things going.
- Your friend
is correct.

- Sorry?
- The dance will uplift your
soul.

Two hearts beating as one.

Four eyes seeing as two.

Eight limbs moving as...

- Four.
- Four.

I have said enough. Please, excuse
me.

What the heck was all that about?!

I don't know, but I reckon he might
have a point, mind.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Pontyberry, you've been a
fantastic audience.

- I am centred.
- I am centred.

- I am rooted.
- I am rooted.

My intention for the day is...

to get that bloody job, because it's
mine, it's got my bloody name
written all over it,

and Auntie Brenda's a joke, I tell
you, an absolute joke!

INHALES DEEPLY

♪ Hummmmmmm ♪

TRILLS

The back brake block's broke.

Red lorry, yellow lorry, mmmm.

SINGS

HONKS

The name's Brenda. Auntie Brenda.

I am so very sorry for your loss,

and whatchyacall...

Weeee!

Hey, it's just like the olden days,
isn't it?

- You and me with Emma and Ben.
- Not
really, Karl, no.

I don't ever remember you coming to
baby group.

- Not once.
- Yeah, OK, minor detail.

Me and Nadine, we still haven't done
it, by the way.

- Oh, God.
- I was thinking last night,
after Andy Fairweather Low, I might
have been in with a shout.

But no. I've even been thinking about
getting one of them blow-up dolls.

- Oh!
- They're ever so lifelike
nowadays.

One of the boys on the rigs has got
one.

Karl, shut up!

Look...

You could try talking to her in a
foreign language.

Always gets me going when Michael
does Arabic.

ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK ARABIC

What does that mean?

Climb on top of my mountain of love,
oh raven-headed beauty.

But I don't know no Arabic.

- I know a bit of Welsh, like.
- There
we are, then - do a bit of Welsh.

SPEAKS WELSH

- What does that mean?
- Spinach.

I would like to thank you all for
coming here today.

And I'd like to begin proceedings
with a Madame Rhian Evans.

Aye, that's me.

Can I bring the cocking dog?

Which of your own personal qualities
do you best feel suits that of an
undertaker?

Spitting...?

- - Optimism.
- Empathy.
- Um...

I could do this job in my sleep.

The job involves much heavy lifting.
Would you say you are physically
strong?

- - As an ox.
- As an ox.
- As a cocking
ox's cock.

Um... Feel that, mate.

And why exactly have you applied for
the job?

Because I desperately, desperately
need one, like.

- Because you told me to, Ivan.
- Um...

Because I lose my cocking Jobseekers
if I don't.

Look, why are we messing about? We
both know I'm the only man for the
job.

The rest of them are a bunch of
jokers.

And I know the word for Millennium
Stadium. It's Stadiwm y Mileniwm.

So that's sbigoglys, popty ping,

and Stadiwm y Mileniwm.

Do you think that'll get her going?

Well, as long as she doesn't find
out that what you're actually saying

is spinach in the microwave in the
Millennium Stadium.

Oh, my God. Is that the bailiff?

- Mum!
- What's going on?

It's immense. You've won a car!

THEY GREET EACH OTHER IN ARABIC

Would you like to recap for us,
Michael?

Uh, yes, OK. You alleged that Mr
Jameson defrauded your company
Al-Hammadi Holdings.

He then sued YOU for
misappropriation of funds.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry.

Anyway, we believe that Mr Jameson
is effectively trying to embarrass
you into dropping your lawsuit.

How do you propose we respond?

Easy. You countersue him for
blackmail and extortion.

I like this man. I think he's going
to win my case for me.

PHONE RINGS

I thought you'd switched that off.
Yeah, sorry.

Please. Somebody's very keen to
speak with you.

Hi, can I call you back?

What?

Yeah, it's a grey one. From that
prize draw I entered.

Darling, that's brilliant.

I'll send you a photo. It is
absolutely stunning.

- Um, yeah.
- Oh, my God, you're still
in that meeting...

- - Uh, yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, no, it's
fine.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

- Have I got into trouble now?
- No, of
course not.

Send me that photo. I love you.

I love you too. But not as much as
the car.

Sorry about that. My girlfriend's
just won a car.

How wonderful.

She never has... Well, things like
that don't happen to her, so...

Oh, God, this car is so lush to
drive.

- Can I have a go?
- You're joking.

I'm not letting you nowhere near
this steering wheel.

Not with your track record.

- Gutted.
- That is so unfair!

Do you reckon now you've got a new
car, I can have your old one?

Oh, I don't know. I mean,
technically, it's Luke's, remember,

even if it is a wreck.

BOYS CONTINUE CHATTING

We could take it camping, couldn't
we, Mum?

Uh, yeah.

Maybe.

I called Daddy Simpson in New
Zealand for a reference.

Took a while to track him down. He
was body surfing in Tauranga.

It's on the North Island.

Anyway, he said that YOU, Auntie
Brenda, are a force to be reckoned
with.

Gale force, more like.

And that you'd be supportive and
loyal, and highly efficient.

But she's no bloody undertaker.
Whereas you...

Bobsy, are a highly experienced
funeral director with local knowledge
and a bedside manner to die for.

Bad choice of words, but you get my
drift.

So...

- Oh, for God's sake!
- Stop dragging it
out, you sadistic little shit!

Sorry.

Auntie Brenda, you will be my -Oh, I
don't believe it.

My brand-new receptionist.

- Receptionist?
- And you...

Bobsy Gittins, will be my assistant
undertaker.

Unless you've changed your mind.

No!

No, that's fantastic.

Receptionist?!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

You've got a nerve, Ivan Slosh.
Schloss...

Coming here with your strange
Lithuanian ways...

I'm not Lithuanian -Pitting people
like me and him against each other!

We were perfectly happy before you
came along, and now you expect me to
be your receptionist!

With a view to being trained up as an
undertaker.

When do we start, kid?

I'm finishing early today. Max is
taking me to the opera.

- - Oh.
- Well done, again.
- Thank you.

I like working with you, Michael.

A lot.

See you tomorrow.

Bloody hell! What...

I just wish you'd talked to me
before you sold it.

Why? It was my car.

I know, but you didn't need to sell
it.

Look, if Beyonce comes at you again
with more bills,

which let's face it, she will, you've
got the cash to sort it.

Stella...

You're too kind, you know.

Why? Because I water your cabbages?

Good soaking. You missed a bit.

I got to go. My shift starts in half
an hour, and it's the dance class
tonight.

Mum, what's this about you selling
the new car?!

- Here we go.
- Good luck.

- Still not answering.
- Well, if he
said he'll be here, then he'll be
here.

- That is what he said, isn't it?
- Not
exactly...

- What do you mean, not exactly?
- Well,
he didn't actually say anything,

because I didn't actually speak to
him.

- I just left him a message.
- Are you
trying to tell me there are people
in there

who have all paid, and are waiting
for a man who will never turn up?!

He might turn up. Little Al said
he's a really nice bloke.

My thinking is, well, you don't miss
what you never had, do you?

It's nice to drive, mind.

Automatic.

- Another bloody Mary, please.
- Coming
up.

- What's happened?
- It's disgusting.

People have paid good money for this
class, and Ashley Banjo hasn't
turned up.

I'm ruined.

Oh, just stick a bit of music on,
let everyone have a disco.

Is there a dance teacher in the
house?

I may regret this. Lead me to the
dance floor.

No, but that is the point, Mr
Sloss... Shlosh...

- Schloss.
- There is no dance class.
There is no teacher.

There is no teacher.

There is now.

♪ Let's get loud

You don't look like a dancer to me.

♪ Let's get loud

♪ Let's get loud, let's get loud

♪ Turn the music up to hear that
sound

♪ Let's get loud, let's get loud

♪ Ain't nobody gotta tell you what
you gotta do... ♪

Whoo!

Thank you, thank you. I am a little
rusted, but you get the general...

Some water?

So now, over to you. We'll take it
very slowly, step by step.

Please.

♪ Uepa!

Hold your partner like this. Very
good. Here we go.

♪ Un, dos, tres...

♪ Un pasito pa'atras... ♪

One, two, three, five, six, seven...

One, two, three, five, six, seven...

Excellent.

What's the matter with you? You're
- all over the shop!
- Shut up.
Freestyling's more my thing.

Ashley Banjo would never make us do
this stuff.

...five, six, seven.

Salsa!

...five, six, seven.

- Hi.
- My dad was about to kill me.

Good old Slasher Schloss saved the
day.

Outside, five minutes.

...five, six, seven, sexy!

Two, three...

I've got to give it to him - that
cat can move.

He's my new boss, you know.

Very good.

One, two... Excellent.

Head up, please, over there. Thank
you.

Karl, man! Stop standing on my
bloody feet.

It's meant to be erotic.

Excellent, excellent.

- Ow!
- Sorry. I'm sorry.

Look... I can't stop thinking about
you.

Even when I'm cleaning my teeth.

And it's annoying, really, because
you're in my head constantly,

but I can't go out with you because
Ben's gutted about Lily dumping him.

He's decided me and him are going to
hang out all holidays, no girls,

just a lads' summer, whatever that
is, so if I start to see you he'll
feel well pissed-off.

I know what he's like. He'll be all
melodramatic, and use the word
betrayer.

So don't tell him.

What?

Don't tell him we're seeing each
other.

♪ ..when you call me, baby

♪ I know I'm not the only one ♪

Dad, I'm so sorry about Ashley
Banjo.

He probably thought I was a nutter.
Yes, probably.

Still, it doesn't matter. There is
an old saying my great-grandmother
used to say.

A dog can sometimes make a better
cat.

- Sorry, you've lost me there.
- Well,
take Shlosh.

- Schloss.
- Schloss...

He may have actually turned out to
be better than the Banjo.

CHEERING

- Where have you been?
- Bog.

Well, let's go home. Tonight's been
a totally rubbish night.

Yeah. Totally... rubbish night.

Don't be alarmed.

- What are you doing here?
- I've got
something for you.

That's an awful long way to come for
a quickie.

Mm...

Go look out the window.

- What's going on?
- Look out the
window.

CHEERING

I went to the car lot, and I bought
it back.

ALL CHEER

Am I actually dreaming this?

In all the time I've known you,
you've never had anything.

You're always doing stuff for other
people, and when you do get extra
cash you give it away to your kids.

Or to me.

Well, now it's your turn, Stella
Morris.

Oh, but sweetheart, the money... You
need it for the baby, and what about

We'll manage. Just have to keep
doing the car boots.

Oh, isn't it romantic?

Being romantic never buttered no
parsnips, Bobby Gittins.

That is so beautiful.

SPEAKS WELSH

Don't be disgusting.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you could offer me a lift to
the station.

I need to get back to London before
Maria notices I'm not there.

Bye!

- What are you doing here?
- I'm on a
college trip. I thought I'd surprise
you.

- The Mayor is dead.
- No!

- Mary the Mayor?
- Yes. Mayor Mary
Mare.

One, two, three, four, and round.

Oh!

Hello, Stella.

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