Original subtitles

[EXERCISE SHOW PLAYING ON TELEVISION]

WOMAN [ON TV]: Higher, higher, higher.

Very good.

Balki, don't do that.

It would help me if the floor didn't shake before noon.

Boy, you are grumpy in the morning.

I'm grumpy all the time.

I just hide it better the rest of the day.

What are you doing?

Buttock pinches.

Don't forget to fold up the couch. You left it open yesterday.

I can't.

What do you mean, you can't? It's simple.

BALKI: No, it's not so simple.

They build these things so children can fold them up.

- No, no, I think... - Balki, watch and learn.

- Take the little black handle. - Yes.

- And as you lift, you push in. - Yes, I know, cousin.

Balki, watch and learn.

Just lift and push.

Lift and push.

Lift and push.

[MOUTHS] And push.

Push and lift.

And lift.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

It's broken.

No, I think it's just a sprain.

No, I mean the sofa is broken.

Why didn't you tell me that?

Well, because I was busy watching and learning.

[LARRY GRUNTS]

Oh, poor cousin. Here, I know how to fix your back.

No, no, Balki. What are you doing?

Balki, Balki, no, no, no.

Balki, no, no. Thank you.

I don't need any pagan cures.

I could've bought a new couch, but no, I had to buy a used one.

Well, I'm the one that sleeps there, so I buy the new one.

Whoa!

What did we lose?

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

What? I was getting my money.

You're kidding me. You keep your money under a mattress?

Well, of course I do. I want it to be safe.

Safe? Didn't you ever think that a thief could break in here...

get tired ransacking the apartment, lie down to take a nap...

bam, your money's gone.

No, I never thought of that.

Well, you should. Keeping money around attracts burglars.

You don't keep your money in a mattress. You keep your money in a bank.

Why?

Because that is what responsible people do.

If the building was to burn down, where would your money be?

Step into the 20th century.

But I don't know about banks.

What's to know? Why do I have to explain everything?

Today on our lunch hour, I'll take you to my bank.

You'll put that money in a checking account.

But this is my mad money.

- Do you mean my savings too? - Yes, yes, your savings too.

Everything. Now, get it.

I got it.

You'll never get it.

LARRY: Can we get on with this? We're on our lunch break.

Uh, excuse us. This is Balki Bartokomous.

Oh, I'm Harrison Harper.

Balki would like to open a checking account.

I know. Sit, sit.

You've got your Money Market Manager Account.

A thousand-dollar minimum balance.

Includes check guarantee, credit card, overdraft protection...

which means you can write checks up to $5000 over your balance...

- and a free color TV. - Oh, I like that one.

I think that's a little out of your league.

- What is my league? - Little League.

Our Happy Saver Account.

Requires a minimum balance of $2, and you get a free Freddy the Frog bank.

He'll take that one.

Balki, give him your money.

Just one moment. There's a few things I don't understand.

When I put my money here, what are you going to do with it?

The same thing they do with my money.

They loan it out to other people for interest.

They give my money to other people just because it's interesting?

No, no, no. Interest is what people pay the bank so that they can use your money.

Well, if they're using my money, why don't they pay me?

Well, the bank performs a service.

For instance, you could come here and borrow money yourself.

I could come to this bank and borrow my own money and then pay them interest?

Well, yes. Provided you have good credit.

What that is?

Well, credit is proving to the bank that you don't need to borrow your own money.

Would you like to explain this to him?

Not on your life.

When my money is here, who is going to be watching it?

Well, Mr. Harper will watch it.

Like a hawk.

Well, then I'm going to need some references from you.

Balki, give him your money.

But how do I get my money when I want to use it?

The bank gives you nice checks with pretty little pictures.

When you wanna buy something, sign your name to a check.

That's all there is to it.

You mean, when I want to spend money, all I have to do is sign my name to a check?

Let's get this done so that we can go back to work.

Take good care of it.

We will.

A hundred and twenty-eight dollars?

That's what this ordeal is about? A hundred and twenty-eight dollars?

- Just take the money, please. HARPER: Yes. Yes.

If you will just pick out the style of checks you want...

we can wrap this up during my lifetime.

Rainbows. I love rainbows.

Rainbows it is.

[BALKI GASPS]

Flowers.

Okay, flowers.

Puppies.

Lower.

Lower.

Ooh! Ah!

Lower.

Ho, ho, ho!

Balki Claus is coming to town.

And what does he have?

An apple for Larry Appleton.

Where do I come up with them?

And for you, Susan, your favorite sugarless gum.

Thank you, Balki.

Balki, this is very nice. What's the occasion?

Is today Mypos Apple and Gum Day?

Ask me how I paid for these things.

Balki, how did you pay for these things?

I wrote checks.

They came today.

You wrote a check for an apple and a pack of gum?

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

I also bought you this nice bug light.

Well, I'm touched.

Appleton, front and center. I'm planning a real big poker game tonight.

Oh, uh, thank you, Mr. Twinkacetti, but...

No, I don't play poker.

I wasn't inviting you.

Look, Appleton, my wife hates for me to gamble.

That's why I'm telling her I'm going to a basketball game with you.

Tonight. Got it?

So if it ever comes up, I was with you.

Uh, I can't do that. I can't lie for you.

Hey. I'm asking for a favor.

Man-to-man. Men do those things for each other.

Some men in the Nixon White House did those things for each other.

You leave my heroes out of this.

You know, lying to your wife is really terrible.

News flash, sweet cheeks, the ERA is dead.

You lost. Bow and get out.

Can I be candid?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Now, come on, Appleton, huh?

It's part of the code of the male brotherhood.

What is this male brotherhood?

Don't worry. No turnips allowed.

It's okay, Balki. Forget it, Mr. Twinkacetti.

I'll work, I'll take your abuse, but I won't lie to your wife for you.

I won't forget this.

I just remembered. I got a truckload of bodybuilding equipment downtown.

I want you to pick it up. Shouldn't take your more than a whole day.

Mr. Twinkacetti.

Cousin Larry has a bad back.

[WHISPERS] Even better.

Cousin, I'll do this for you.

Don't worry. I know the correct way to lift without putting stress on my back.

Ow!

Cousin, would you please let me fix this?

No, I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm, uh, looking for a "Balki Bartokomous."

Yeah. That's him over there, the one who can stand erect.

- I got that furniture you ordered. BALKI: Oh, wonderful.

My cousin will be so happy.

Yeah, yeah, all I want is $3028.43.

No problem. I have checks.

[SINGING "TOUCH ME IN THE MORNING"]

Twinkacetti cannot beat me.

I just moved 12 tons of bodybuilding equipment...

by myself.

It was tough.

But I'm a better person for it.

You also look shorter.

LARRY: That's because every vertebra in my body is compressed.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Surprise.

I bought you new furniture.

It's a present from me to you.

[LARRY SOBBING]

Ohh, I can't believe you did this.

I can't believe you did this.

I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

And you're welcome.

Balki, let me make something absolutely clear.

See, my furniture was...

Well... Well, it was my furniture.

And this furniture is not.

Oh.

- You don't like it? - No, it's not that I don't like it.

Yes, it is. I don't like it.

Well, but you complained about your broken sofa...

and you don't like your old furniture...

and I just wanted to give you something.

Balki. Balki, you got rid of my things, my things, my things!

I've got it.

No, no, no, you don't got it. You've got to understand.

Look, look.

I'm gonna tell you something about my upbringing I have never told you.

- You are? - Yes. See, I come from a big family.

I was one of nine kids.

You told me that.

My parents weren't poor, but they didn't have a lot of money.

You told me that.

We grew up in a middle-class house...

in Madison, Wisconsin... Look, the new stuff is coming, all right?

Sorry.

The point is, with all those kids, nothing was ever really yours.

If I had a toy, I had to share it with eight other kids.

So when I moved here, see, I bought this furniture...

Well, not this furniture, but my own furniture.

It was used, it was a little uncomfortable, but it was all mine.

And then tonight...

I come home and I find that you...

You've taken away my toys.

Oh, how sad.

Intellectually, I know, I know, I'm overly possessive.

Almost neurotic about it.

- You are not. - I'm not?

Of course not.

Erotic? Don't be ridiculous.

Neurotic, neurotic, neurotic!

Okay. Don't get crazy.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Where did you get the money to pay for all this stuff?

Oh, that was no problem. I just wrote a check.

You wrote a check? For how much?

Three thousand twenty-eight dollars and forty-three cents.

Three thou...

Good deal, huh?

They even threw in these plastic flowers.

Balki, Balki, Balki.

You only had $128...

less the pack of gum, apple and bug light.

But the man at the bank said...

I can write checks for more money than I have as long as I...

- No. - Pay it back someday.

No, no, no. No.

That's the Money Market Manager Account. You have the Happy Saver Account.

Don't you understand anything about banking?

No, I don't understand banking.

In Mypos, money is not that important.

Two chickens is a pig, two pigs is a cow, and two cows is a fortune.

You're the one that made me go to a bank and got me confused.

Yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, sure. Ah! Ooh!

Yeah, blame it on me. Yes, why didn't I see it before?

Yes, it's all my fault and I'll burn in hell for it.

Boy, you're taking this hard.

- What's the big deal? - What's the big deal?

You wrote a check for $3000 more than you have.

You don't wanna go to prison for this furniture.

You're right. It's my fault.

No, look, look, it's not your fault.

I made you get that bank account and I didn't take the time to explain the basics.

It's not a big deal.

They'll take this furniture back and we'll get back my stuff.

- What did you do with it? - That's no problem.

I sold it to Mr. Twinkacetti.

You sold it to Twinkacetti?

You sold my chair, my sofa, my coffee table, my lamp?

My rug? You sold my lucky rug?

Is this neurotic?

Yes. Yes, and so is this.

That's my lamp.

We better hustle our buttocks.

Those pinches paid off.

Good morning, turnips. Boy, am I a lucky guy.

Last night, I won $600 in the poker game.

And this junk will be gone before lunch.

I'm gonna buy back my furniture for what you paid Balki for it.

Come on, Appleton.

You think I could sell this elegant decor for a measly 75 bucks?

Seventy-five bucks?

You sold my furniture for 75 bucks?

Well, it made sense when Mr. Twinkacetti explained it.

I'll bet it did.

You can't do this to me. It's not fair.

You're right.

I shouldn't take advantage of a fellow member of the male brotherhood.

But then, as I recall, this male member is a code violator...

and I owe him nothing.

Zip, as in the big O.

My God, my wife.

Edwina, my pet.

What a cherished moment.

Boys, my beloved wife.

Hello, Mrs. Twinkacetti.

Oh, nice to see you, Larry.

And this must be Balki.

I have heard so much about you.

Well, I have heard so much about you too and I don't believe half of it.

We kid around. Ha-ha-ha!

Did you enjoy going to the basketball game with my husband?

- Basketball? - Loved it. Loved it.

Remember, turnip? Bouncy, bouncy.

Why don't we step into the office? I got fresh coffee.

Balki, don't you see what happened?

Mr. Twinkacetti told his wife he was with you last night.

Ohh.

Oh, boy.

Friend, member of the male brotherhood.

Oh, so now I'm a member.

Are you kidding? You're a lieutenant.

How much do you like me?

Like you? I'd give you a kidney.

You'll cover for me, won't you?

Do you mind if I call you turnip?

- Please. - Balki, Balki.

Watch and learn.

I'll give you $65 for this furniture, turnip.

Two hundred. One seventy-five.

One hundred, and some glass beads. Good deal, huh?

One dollar.

EDWINA: Donald? - Sold.

Donald, the strangest thing.

I found $600 in your office...

hidden behind your photo of Gordon Liddy.

You should keep your money in a bank.

I feel terrible. I was thinking...

I was thinking that you probably didn't go to a basketball game last night.

You know, for one crazy moment...

I suspected you of playing poker with your sleazy friends.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

But I know that couldn't be true...

because our marriage is based on mutual trust.

And if you ever violate that trust...

I'll break your chubby little legs.

We kid around.

Donnie, I want you to watch me spend your money.

- Oh, no. - Goodbye, boys.

Bye-bye, now.

You did good.

Thank you. I have a dark side.

Help me get this furniture upstairs.

And tonight, I'll teach you how to balance your checkbook.

Okay. And then I teach you how to balance a broom on your nose.

Right. Right.

Oh! Ah! Ooh!

Cousin, your back is still hurting.

I think it's time I took your back by the horns.

Oh, Balki.

Balki. My back. It doesn't hurt.

Of course not. Balki fixed it.

- That's incredible. - Yes.

Of course, sometimes there are side effects.

Balki, I can't move my arms.

- That's one of them. - Now what?

Well, for that, you gotta go to a doctor.

Come on, put them up.

[ENGLISH SDH]