All language subtitles for Schooled.S01E04.HDTV.x264-SVA

Back in the '90s,

the Tonya Harding scandal
shook the nation.

Why?

The idea that a top Olympic athlete

could possibly be involved
in an attack on her rival,

Nancy Kerrigan, disappointed
people of all ages.

But no one more than this guy.

Tonya Harding has broken our hearts.

This whole sordid debacle
shows us what happens

when young people are raised
without a moral compass.

Okay, uh, thanks for sharing, Coach.

And now for the reason that
we're here for this assembly,

McGruff the Crime Dog!

Okay, no, not yet! McGruff, hold on!

As of today,

there will be a new
zero-tolerance policy

- on cheating at this school.
- Oh.

Well, there's always been

a zero-tolerance policy.

Uh, but I guess it wouldn't
hurt to reiterate it.

I will be conducting
random locker searches

to find any and all contraband
used to game the system.

No.

No.

Be warned, children.

From this point on, cheating
is a serious crime.

Not yet, McGruff.

Sorry.

Who am I to snap at a
canine officer of the law?

Bring it in, poochie.

Bring it in.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

It was January 30th, 1990-something,

and CB was giving William
Penn's newest student

a tour of the school.

And, of course, we have lots of lockers,

but you know the dealio.

You basically just put
your stuff in 'em.

And our music teacher, Lainey Lewis.

Lainey, meet Alex Piper.

- Hey there, Alex.
- Hey.

And that concludes today's tour.

Okay.

Oh. New kid.

Just moved here from Pittsburgh.

A little quiet, but I dig his vibe.

- He's a douche-turd.
- Whoa.

You can't label a kid a douche
or a turd that swiftly.

Perfect swooping hair,
shark-tooth necklace,

bad attitude.

What you're describing is a cool kid.

And I relate, 'cause that
was me back in the day.

So I'm gonna go do my CB thang

and make our new friend feel at ease.

All right, I'm gonna
go do my Lainey thang

and pretend you didn't say "thang."

Okay.

Have a great day.

Good...

morning...

class.

A little "Ace Ventura" to welcome

our new student here today.

Hey. I'm, uh, Alex and stuff.

All righty then!

I'm sorry. Have you not
seen "Ace Ventura"?

He's a pet detective, saved a dolphin.

- It's very emotional.
- No, I know the movie.

Just didn't think anyone
still thought it was cool.

Ooh, wow.

Well, you burned me.

Let's pick back up
with our group reading

of "The Great Gatsby."

You want to start us
off, new guy? Page 68.

Um...

You... You want me to read?

Yeah. Is everything okay?

I-I-I, um... I can't.

What do you mean you can't?

I can't read, okay?

Oh, wow. Okay.

Um, I'm sorry, Alex.

Uh, Tommy, do you want to...

I guess I could give it a try.

I mean, this really feels
like a safe space.

The safest, pal.

Um...

You...

are...

a... tool.

Oh.

That's real funny.

So you're just busting my balls, huh?

You make it so easy.

Guess we'll just continue
with the class, then?

All righty then!

All right. Please read
to yourselves quietly.

"Dear Burt Reynolds... "

- You wanted to see me, John?
- Oh, hey, Liz.

Uh, a lot of the kids have been asking

when you're gonna have
your first meeting

for the Middle School Math team.

Ah, yes. The Math Olympiad.

Thank you for checking in.

I'm not gonna do that ever again.

But you coach 'em every year!

Yes, and every year, I watch them choke

and come in dead last.

I just can't watch those
kids failing again, John.

It makes me too emotional.

I'm sorry for that outburst.

- There was an outburst?
- Cheaters!

I found cheaters!

Just look at all the stuff
I found in those lockers.

I told you not to do that!

But look! Crib sheets hidden
inside of calc covers!

Oh, boy. Second-floor lockers,
west end of the hall?

Yes. How'd you know?

- That's the Mathletes.
- Mathletes?

See, they know they're gonna
embarrass themselves,

and so they've decided
to cheat to save face.

Liz, please. You got to coach
these kids at the Math Olympiad.

- Coach? Olympiad?
- No way.

The chances of those kids winning

are slimmer than Fiona
Apple's right thigh.

- Find somebody else.
- I'll do it.

Who am I gonna find
on such short notice?

- I said I'll do it.
- What about CB?

CB's already advising six clubs.

Maybe I didn't project
enough. I said I will coach

this ragtag group of underdogs.

Crosby? Doc? Karen Horikowa?

Not available. Am I dead? Am I a ghost?

I said I'll do it!

We hear you, okay?

And while I do appreciate
your enthusiasm,

I'm gonna have to give you
a hard but polite "no."

- But why?
- But why...

Allow me. It's not personal, Rick.

It's just, uh, you teach gym,

which makes us think of you
last when it comes to academics

or anything other than helping us move.

Ah, I see what this is.

Johnny-boy's just testing me
to see how badly I want this.

Well, game on!

With that, Coach was all-in
on the Math Olympiad.

What are you doing?

I'm studying game tape
of the Math Olympiad.

What? I gave you a hard "no."

When it comes to teaching
kids to be winners,

there is no difference between football,

basketball, or math ball.

There's no such thing as math ball.

These wonky-eyed Poindexters
don't need to cheat.

They just need confidence.

Please don't call them
"wonky-eyed Poindexters."

And what they need to
win is to know math.

Wrong! Check out the playoff
round against Episcopal.

- "X" equals 7.
- These mouth-breathing goobers

just sat there scared and afraid.

That's a highly advanced calc theorem,

and don't call them
"mouth-breathing goobers."

Look, the point is, these
bird-boned Melvins

know the math. I just need to teach 'em

how to grasp victory in their talons.

"Bird-boned Melvins"
is an offensive term

both to Melvins and
to thin-boned people.

Please, John. Just give me a shot.

- I can help them.
- Fine.

But just remember, if
we come in last place

for the fourth year in a row,
we'll be the laughingstock

of bird-boned Melvins everywhere.

Coach had the Mathletes under control,

but CB couldn't get a handle
on the "new kid" situation.

- Sup.
- Gah!

What are you doing lurking
back here like some weirdo?

Wait, are you hiding
from the douche-turd?

No.

And also, yes, I'm hiding,
'cause he's very mean.

Dude, you're scared of a student?

In just three days, he's
taken over my class.

The kids aren't listening to me anymore.

They're not even laughing
at my impressions.

What happened to Mr. Cool Guy

who's great with the new students?

Some of them are a little
bit more challenging.

Why does he keep standing near my Jetta?

I'm totally gonna be late
for cribbage with my nana.

Okay, cut the crap. What is going on?

I have a confession to make,

and it's probably gonna blow your mind.

- Ooh.
- In high school,

I wasn't as cool as I led
you to believe I was.

In fact, I was a nerd.

- Sure.
- Okay, you're not following.

Back in the day, I wasn't as
slick or cocky or awesome...

No, that totally tracks.

You're not getting it.

I have to show you something.

- Oh, God!
- I told you.

Oh, no. This is so much
worse than I imagined.

Okay, well, it's not that bad.

I-I'm looking at it. It is.

I was just a boy.

I mean, what's with the
lizard man on your shirt?

It's Gollum.

And did you not realize
it was picture day?

I made it for picture day.

Oh, dear sweet Lord.
Klingon Language League.

Dungeons & Dragons Wizard Society.

Okay, that was a fun club.

What does any of this
have to do with Alex?

Look, all I wanted back in high school

was to be cool and popular,
but I was a dweeb.

And kids like Alex
constantly tortured me.

Wait, now it all makes sense.

This job is like your
high-school do-over.

- Okay, fine.
- If I know anything,

it's that you got to bring the
hammer down on that turd.

- Believe me.
- Well, thanks for the advice, newbie,

but you're talking to
CB, the super teacher.

All I got to do is win
him over by being me.

I'm good.

Okay. He's in the hall.

You got to help me.

This will be fun.

Meanwhile, despite Glascott's doubts,

Coach was ready to
take on the Mathletes.

Now, my first thought
when I look at this group

of bespectacled brainiacs
is that you're a sad sight

and you can never win anything.

But I'm gonna change all that

and lead you to glory
in the Math Olympiad.

Yes, son. What's your name?

Aaron Rubin, sir.

And I think I speak for
everyone when I say,

what the [BLEEP] is happening?

What's happening is I am
gonna coach you to victory.

So let's all hydrate with some
Fruitopia and get to work!

I wonder what the ingredients are.

Don't look at the ingredients!

Could it be that you printed
out all the formulas

in tiny font and taped them right here?

Yeah. That's right.

I found your very
brilliant cheating tools

that would have for-sure worked.

That's it. We're screwed.

How is a gym coach gonna
help us solve equations

like the one that killed us last year?

Gym coach, huh? Is that
all you think I am?

You nerds shouldn't judge
people on first impressions.

You literally just called us nerds.

Pipe down.

Now we're gonna warm up
with some math push-ups

and some math wind sprints.

Then we'll take a math water break

before we run a math 5K.

You can't just put "math" in
front of words and make it math.

All right, laps, all three of you.

- Laps?
- Around the desks. Now.

- But...
- Move it!

High knees! Run like an American!

CB hadn't figured out how to solve

his problems with the new kid.

But I was about to reveal a secret

that would give him all the answers.

Okay, listen.

Now I have a huge confession to make

that's gonna totally blow your mind.

- Okay?
- In high school,

I was a douche-turd myself.

- Sure.
- You're not following.

Back then, I wasn't sweet or friendly

or remotely kind to most people.

- No, that totally tracks.
- You still don't understand.

See, if I sensed any
weakness in a teacher,

I'd have a field day.

That all ended when I finally
came across a teacher

who shut me down.

He taught me to respect him

and to not act like such a douche-turd.

Can you introduce me to him?

Don't have to. You already know him.

Coach Mellor?

Behind me stand your
enemies from Episcopal.

Why are their faces
pasted on those... things.

These "things" are blocking sleds,

and they represent the enemy.

If you can push through them, you
can push through your fears.

Strong body, strong mind.

Now step up and show Episcopal

how this team takes out the competition.

Attack!

- Wow.
- Oh.

That's intense.

My God, you kids are bad at math.

See that? That is how
you keep kids in line.

But he's not funny or whimsical at all.

How does he amuse
children into learning?

He doesn't. He takes charge

and refuses to get
pushed around by anyone,

not even a douche-turd.

- Do that.
- All right. I'll do it.

Got to get me some of them shorts.

- You don't have to wear the shorts.
- Right.

It was game day, and the
kids claimed to be ready.

But Coach was unconvinced.

All right. Game day approaches.

How are my math warriors feeling?

Yeah!

There's the killer confidence
I've been trying to teach you.

You sure did, Coach.

We're positive we're gonna win today.

Attaboy.

And what do you say we
watch a little game tape

and learn about the competition, huh?

Oh, looks like some tiny masked man

- smashed your opponents' calculators.
- Why? Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

After everything I taught you,

you still go and Tonya
Harding their calculators?

You didn't teach us anything!

That's why we Tonya
Harding'd the calculators,

so they'd forfeit and
we could finally win.

Forfeit? It's a school.

They have giant boxes of calculators.

- Really?
- Yes!

You know, for smart kids,
you sure are dumb.

Hey, we panicked.

You've already established

we don't think well under pressure.

You guys are lucky I smoothed
this over with Episcopal,

and they're gonna go
ahead with the Olympiad.

Wait. We still have to play them?

Oh, yes.

And mark my words.

As long as I'm your coach,

you will do things the right way.

Sorry, Rick. You're no longer
the coach of the Mathletes.

Liz is taking over.

Oh, come on.

We got parent complaints
about your teaching methods,

which, in fairness, are
completely insane.

It's come to my attention
that one of you has betrayed

the sacred bond between
coach and coachee

by complaining to your mommy.

Who did it?

Okay, I see what this is.

Get rid of old Coach, and nobody
stops you from cheating, huh?

We got rid of you so we can finally have

a real math teacher.

Oh, snap.

Am I using that right?

I see.

Yeah, that's right.

The dumb coach knows math.

And so do all of you. You
don't need to cheat.

You just need a little confidence.

Good luck on your Olympiad, Mathletes.

Oh, snap!

Now that time, I nailed it.

Okay. When you enter that classroom,

you're no longer CB.

You're Coach Mellor, the
no-nonsense boss-man

who's always in control.

Just a gym teacher, huh?

How dare those kids? How dare they?

What the... What's going on there, Rick?

Mathletes ganged up on me.

It really hurt my feelings.

After a lifetime of competition,

it took six scrawny nerds to defeat me.

I'm kind of working on something here,

and this vibe is throwing it way off.

Understood.

Okay. I'm starting to
have second thoughts.

No. No, forget sad, broken Mellor.

Be regular Mellor, okay?

Firm but fair, demand respect.

Be in charge.

Got it.

Look alive, people.

Everybody break out your
copies of "Animal Farm."

You're about to get a
crash course on the sham

that is communism.

- Hmm. Sir, I have a question.
- Say it, son.

Is one of the animals a boar?

You know, 'cause that's
what this is. It's a bore.

All right, hotshot. 20 push-ups.
On your knuckles.

Dude, you can't just
blow a whistle at me

in the middle of English class.

Oh, I'll blow whenever I want.

Oh, you got that part
right. You do indeed blow.

Quiet, you unbearable douche-turd.

Oh, no. He snapped.

CB finally lost it.

All the angry things that
he dreamed of saying

to his high-school bullies,

things that built up
inside him for years,

came roaring out.

But unfortunately, in that short moment,

he had forgotten that he was
aiming all of it at a kid.

People like you grow up to be nothing.

I... Well, I-I... I...

I don't... I didn't...
I didn't mean... I...

While CB was failing with Alex,

the Mathletes were just failing.

What is the value of 8 to the "X" power

over 2 to the "Y" power?

Come on, Aaron. You know this.

2 to the 11th power?

Dangit. They're getting crushed again.

- This is hard to watch.
- I told you it would be.

Just another example of a woman's truth

falling on a man's deaf ears.

Maybe that's what I
should title my book.

I know how to fix this.

Now remember, marginal efficiency

is the difference between
a player's success rate

and the expected success rate
of each play, all right?

Uh, excuse me, Rick? Can we, uh...

Not now. I'm coaching football.

Rick, we really need to talk.

All right, you numbskulls,
study those statistics.

I'll be back.

You're teaching the football team math?

These guys already have
the killer instinct.

They just need to understand the game.

Those nerds needed the opposite.

Look, Coach, you got to
make it to the Olympiad.

The team is even choking
on questions they know.

They're not my team anymore.

Those kids think I'm a dummy.

And so do you.

I was wrong about you.

Actually, you're not.

In high school, I needed a
certain GPA to play sports,

and I didn't think I was smart enough,

so I cheated on my math exams.

I got caught, and I couldn't
play for the whole semester.

I had no idea.

I decided then and there
that I wasn't gonna believe

what other people thought of me.

I was gonna believe in myself.

So I studied my butt off,
and I became great at math.

That's what you wanted to
teach the kids... to believe.

Yeah, well, they didn't, not
in themselves or in me.

Look, Coach, I know you're hurt,

but you didn't give up on yourself.

And it'd be a damn shame
to give up on these kids.

Without Coach Mellor, the Mathletes

were in desperate need of a pep talk.

Liz, you're gonna have
to fire these kids up.

You're their only chance.

Okay. I can do this.

Uh-huh.

Mathletes, I want you all to
just take a moment and...

and truly understand

that I am currently in phase
one of a panic attack.

I desperately tried to avoid

being in this high-intensity
situation as your math coach,

'cause you're all
incredibly fragile children

who I feared would, once again,

get their asses handed to them

in a very public competition.

Once again, I have failed you.

But good luck out there.

I'm sorry.

Coach!

You almost hit Liz with
that garbage pail.

Because I'm fired up,

and it's time my team
gets fired up, too!

Look, I'm sorry it took me so long

to come back when you needed me.

The truth is, I was hurt. I
felt like you judged me.

But you called us a bunch
of dweebs and dorks.

Because you are.

But... you're also champions.

I don't understand, Coach.
We were so crappy to you.

Why'd you come back here to help us?

Well, maybe because we're
more alike than you realize.

Now let's get out there

and kick the snot out
of those Episcopalians.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Come on! Let's go!

Yeah!

- Hey. You all right?
- No.

I mean, look at the kid. I broke him.

Yeah. I kind of feel like a
small part of this is my fault

for pushing you to be a Mellor.

It kind of feels like it's
largely your fault, but sure.

Here. I want to show you something.

It's my 8th grade yearbook.

Coming in hot.

- Whoa, now.
- I know. And it gets worse.

Donnie Wahlberg Club?

Kind of went through a New Kids
phase with my best friend.

We got teased and mocked.

But then, going into high school,

Erica and I decided to
totally reinvent ourselves.

So she bailed on all her smart
classes, I got us makeovers...

And you were those girls
who came in freshman year

cool and popular.

- Yeah. We were douche-turds.
- Hmm.

Look, I'm not proud of who I
was in high school, okay?

But who is?

So... becoming a teacher

is kind of like a do-over
for you, too, huh?

Maybe it's a chance for
me to stop worrying

about how people see me.

Maybe it's a chance for
me to just be myself.

Does that mean you're
gonna start wearing

New Kids gear again?

I will if you go show that
kid the kind of person

you really are.

Okay.

Sup.

Go away.

Listen.

I'm really sorry for
losing it yesterday.

You see, people used to
pick on me in high school,

and I took it all out on you.

Yeah, but you're right. I suck.

What do you mean?

So I went to this huge
public school in Pittsburgh.

And I was so lost there. People
didn't even know my name.

So when I moved here...

I thought maybe I could
just be someone new.

Maybe you just got to work
on being more yourself.

Dude, I don't even know what that means.

Well, it's my job to
help you figure it out.

Growing up, we're so worried
about how people see us

that we can lose sight
of who we truly are.

If you judge someone
before you know 'em,

you may never see what
they're truly capable of.

The radius of the second circle

is 1 over 2 times pi squared.

Correct!

William Penn Academy wins!

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!

- Yes! Whoo!
- All right! Oh, snap!

Hey, that's my catchphrase.

And who knows? The person you judge most

could even wind up being
your biggest inspiration.

The truth is, none of us are
defined by just one thing.

We can be both a nerd and an athlete,

or a jock and a math whiz.

Or even a cool teacher
and a secret geek.

Hello, guys. My name is Brett Dier,

and I'm sitting here with Alex Piper.

So, Alex, what was it
like being the new kid?

It's always tough being the
new kid because you get there

and everyone already
has their friendships.

It was just a challenge.

You make fun of the teacher,
everybody loves you.

That's a good strategy.

What kind of stuff did you do?

There was one teacher who,

in her classroom, I would just bark.

Like a dog?

She never quite figured
out that it was me.

She thought someone had
a pet dog in the class.

Possibly.

I can do a Chihuahua. Ready?

So if you could go back and
talk to your younger self,

would you be like, "Hey, dude,
stop being a douche-turd"?

I would tell myself to
stop trying so hard.

What were your thoughts on CB?

He seemed to be on the
side of the student.

You felt like you just wanted
this guy to be your friend.

He was the cool teacher,
so you felt like you were

a little bit cooler if he
paid attention to you.

That's badass.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --