Original subtitles

[crowd chanting] U-S-A!

Hello, racist bumper-sticker salespeople,

guys who've punched a claw machine,

people who frequently graffiti their ex's garage door,

teens who will have their Ivy League admission rescinded,

and other shrieking jackals! [crowd cheers]

I'm here to announce that, in 2020,

win or lose, I will win the election!

[crowd cheering]

I'm walking over here now...

showing you that I'm keepin' it loose...

proving to everyone that I can be a tough walkin' man.

And now I'm moseying on back.

[crowd cheers]

Now, as I explained to ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,

I am now accepting foreign intelligence

on my Democratic opponents.

Simply call the number below!

Operators are standing by!

No more stuff on Biden. That treasure chest is full!

So many people have made tonight possible,

but none more so than Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.

You two have done absolutely nothing to stop me,

and, for that, please accept this statue of a family dog

watching the house get robbed.

You said we'd discuss the infrastructure bill!

You're being too pushy.

Thank you, Mr. President. [crowd cheering]

-Thank you, everyone! -You're making us blush!

For more on my second-term agenda,

please direct your easily seized attention to the jumbotron!

[narrator] If you thought President Trump's first term

got your pulse pounding,

his second term will make your heart explode.

National Guard...on speed dial.

Nuclear secrets...for sale.

Basic human decency...buh-bye!

And think Trump can't spell any worse?

Think aglenn.

Donald Trump 2020.

You're Gonna Get a Rash, Buster.

[President Trump] Alright!

Who wants pig hearts?! [air cannon firing]

Not enough to go around, so start clawing!

[whistling]

[President Trump] Don, did you put the crime sock on the door?

Yeah, Dad. No one will bother us.

Okay, let's talk shady self-enrichment!

How's our Washington hotel?

We're killing it!

The Chinese spent five million dollars on room service.

It's floor-to-ceiling french toast!

Okay, let's hear from my favorite son.

Ivanka?

Mnuchin gave me the keys to the Treasury

and said on the weekends, anything goes!

What the hell, Pompeo?!

Hey, is this sock on the doorknob up for grabs?

-It's pretty nice. -La la la la la!

I can't hear what's being conspired in here!

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Look what you did, Pompeo!

You take the crime sock off the door,

and this place turns into Grand Central Station!

So...can I put this on my foot or...?

[Jared] Even though Mueller gave you a pass on collusion,

you still have to worry about the money laundering,

the campaign finance violations,

and those other crimes I won't mention in case

there's still recording devices hidden in the lampshades.

Hello. I'll just pardon myself. Are we done?

I could be committing systematic genocide right now.

Okay, it is far from guaranteed that the Supreme Court

will uphold the power to pardon yourself.

Of course they will, Jared.

The ruling was foretold in the Great Prophecy of Valantium.

Let me ask you.

H-How exactly do you think the Supreme Court works?

If you spent less time in the weight room

and more time in class, you would know that...

[President Trump] ...every half moon, the Supreme Court

rises out of the ancient swamps of Kilga-Goranth

to exact their righteous judgment on our kind.

The big, buff justices

wear magical cloaks that they can keep on

even when they go through airport security.

Justice

You're actually a lot closer than I thought.

[President Trump] Ooh, justice!

Mmm, justice.

Ooh, justice.

I'm Jake Tapper, and I go to movies

just to shush stepdads and their sons.

Justice John Roberts spoke today at a legal conference

and discussed the power of the president

to pardon himself. Take a look.

Obviously, I'm not going to present my opinion here,

but I will say that

presidential power is not absolute.

Here to analyze Roberts' comments

is constitutional scholar, political expert,

and mezzo soprano -- me.

Trump is definitely screwed

I booked our next big-game hunting trip, Don!

They just shove a drugged-up lion

into the back of a Honda Odyssey,

and we get to shoot it through the windows.

I'm afraid you'll have to take those hunting trips alone.

As the eldest, I'll be inheriting

the presidency in 2024.

So if you're launching your political career,

does that mean I'm gonna run the Trump Organization?

You're not cut out for that!

You're meant for dumber shit like ventriloquism school.

I tried, but me and Deion the Donkey

didn't have what it takes.

Then you must show Dad that you can be

an upstanding businessman like me.

Now pretend you lost your factory job

so I can practice nodding as if I care.

[sobbing] W-We're down to one single sheet... Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care.

...of white bread for my family of eleven. I mean, I do care.

Nodding, nodding. Please, Mr. Trump.

[McConnell] You're not screwed.

You got four out of five

conservative justices in the bag.

Just go schmooze the robes off of him.

I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch. I'm the schmooz-ee.

Check the mug. I just wish I could add more buff

Supreme Court justices who dig my vibe.

That's called "packing the court,"

and there's nothing in the Constitution

that says you can't do it.

I'm sorry, but why the eff did you not say this earlier?

Upending centuries of judicial protocol

is way easier than schmoozing John Roberts for three minutes!

Just a heads up, though.

The Democrats might have some thoughts on this.

[both screaming wildly, glass shatters]

[Eric] And as Aristotle said,

"Fear is pain... [groaning]

...arising from the anticipation of evil."

That concludes my one-slide PowerPoint by Eric Tump.

Sorry about the typo. I couldn't find the backspace.

Eric, you're just not cut out for the family business.

Remember when I let you build Trump International Manhattan?

I believe you're referring to the infamous Jelly Tower.

We saved a lot of money on beans

but lost a lot of money on jelly.

Hmm.

[cackling wildly]

My father liked to dangle his approval in front of me,

and it's only right I do the same.

Prove to me you can handle more responsibility,

and I'll make you my last-ditch pick for CEO.

Dad, I'll be so responsible, you'll leave your kids with me.

Fat chance! My kids are assholes!

You wouldn't last a second!

[C-SPAN narrator] We now join the Senate Judiciary Committee

who is hearing testimony from President Trump's

Supreme Court nominee, My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.

[Lindell] So, I crawled out of the drain pipe,

my pants shredded like those things

that slap you at the car wash

when you're hiding out from three guys

with knives Scotch-taped to their knuckles,

and all I've got left to my name

is a baby bottle full of NyQuil and 30 dimes of flake.

So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya gotta get the heck out of Fresno

before you end up married again."

Sir, uh, all we asked was your date of birth.

I can give you the month -- summer.

"Crash-and-burn" is what people are saying

about Trump's effort to pack the court.

The three remaining nominees withdrew after learning

their wages would be garnished for child support. Yeesh!

[thunder rumbling]

[President Trump groaning]

Oh, God.

[Judge] Donald J. Trump, the court finds you guilty

of phony witch-hunt charges made up by losers and fakes!

I sentence you to a million years in prison!

[gavel bangs]

[cell-door slam echoes]

[warden] Recreation time is up!

Everyone back in their cells

for 23 hours of sedentary rest!

Hooray! [prisoner] Whoo!

Ahh. I kinda like this.

No one's making me do stuff, food's chewy,

I get cool geometric tattoos from white supremacists.

[rattling]

You said it, Dad! I mean, roomie!

I got a million years in here, too!

How many years is a million years? Let's count.

One, two, three, four, five...

sex -- sick! -- seven!

[screaming]

[President Trump] You were right, Mitch.

I must be the schmoozer,

and Supreme Court, the schmoozees.

Great! What we need is a fancy place

where French guys serve Italian food under Chinese lanterns!

We're in Washington, Rudy.

All the restaurants suck, and there aren't any good

husband-and-wife cabaret acts.

There's only one place ritzy enough

to schmooze Roberts and those other nobodies.

The place where everyone can be whoever they want to be.

As long as they pay the $200,000 fee.

Where on Earth could that be?!

Thank you for all willingly coming to Mar-a-Lago!

For the 1st Annual Supreme Court Gala Spectacular!

Your security detail picked us all up

from our homes in the dead of night.

And they scared the daylights

out of the paparazzi standing in my yard.

Did you know that last year they made two movies about me?

[Justices, annoyed] Yes.

Who gives a crap how we got here?

We're away from our jobs, our families,

the specters of our past.

That's the alarming spirit.

Swing vote John Roberts, you're so cute and dangerous.

Come ride with me in my executive golf cart.

The rest of you can ride in Stephen Miller's hatchback.

No eating of the smoked trout in the back seat!

That's for Uber customers.

Does Roberts look like he'll melt in my arms yet?

I'd worry more about your sailor on shore leave over there.

It says you're open at 8:00, but it's 8:02!

I could sue you for false advertising!

[beatboxing]

He asked the concierge if, instead of a regular room

with a mini-bar,

he could get a mini-room with a regular bar.

I could look after Judge Kavanaugh!

Sure, kid.

Keep that twitchy lush from ruining my schmooze-fest,

and you can be CEO of any of my billion-dollar fronts.

Excuse me. Could I have a juice?

My on-again-off-again boyfriend always gets me a juice.

I told you -- he's a starfucker!

To get the full Mar-a-Lago experience,

you gotta sit with the power players.

Rudy Giuliani. God damn it!

I spilled ketchup on the gravy I spilled on my suit!

Shinzo Abe. He's always here.

[speaking Japanese]

Then there's this Russian guy. We have an understanding.

He tells me to do stuff, and I do it.

[grunts]

We should really invite over the other justices.

They actually told me they think you stink

and are probably a bad kisser.

The best way to get back at them is to let me pardon myself

for crimes past, present, and future.

I...have to go to the little men's room.

Oy. Way to go, Shinzo. You blew it.

Take your meal back to your room.

It's always Shinzo's fault.

And don't spill caramel on the bed again!

[Abe] I know!

So, in order to graduate

from Victor Balloon's School of Ventriloquism,

Deion the Donkey and I needed to execute

the fabled double-donkey hee-haw.

Anyways, you work at, uh...?

SCOTUS! I should have never signed up!

It's the worst thing I've ever done!

Where's my beer?!

I worked my whole life to drink a beer right now!

I'm actually not supposed to let you drink.

Uhh! But I like beer! I like beer! I like beer!!

What if I just vouch for you

like the way Squi vouched for me?

You'd do that?

Beep-borp-bup-bup. Hello? Mr. Trump?

Yes, I am sober.

You'll make Eric the CEO tomorrow morning?

I'll tell him right now! Beep.

A round of beers to celebrate?!

Okay! But just one.

[squeaking]

[sea birds crying]

[clanging] G-Gah!

Rise and shine, my favorite justice!

We've got an amazing, action-packed day ahead of us.

How did you get in here?

I have all the keys to all the doors.

The groundskeeper fished the bloated, dead guy

out of the pool, so get your trunks on,

then you'll let me pardon myself,

then we'll hit the omelet bar.

I know you're trying to exert undue influence on me

to vote in your favor.

And as umpire of the court, I call that a foul ball.

I usually don't do this,

but what if I switched you to a bed-bug free room?

rock music plays

[slurring] Is that the hardest you can slap, Jelly Boy?!

[slurring] Hey! You promised you wouldn't call me that!

I turned my back on Deion the Donkey

to build Jelly Tower!

Oh, I'm sorry, Jelly Boy!

You gonna cry boysenberry tears out of your marmalade eyes

coming out of your jelly face, Jelly Boy?!

I'm a Jelly Man!

Oww!

Now my face is gonna go from beautiful crimson

to ugly vermilion!

What are you gonna do about it --

wah-wah cry like you did at your hearing?

I'm gonna head-butt you 'til you die!

Bring it!

[both] One, two...

[both scream]

Donald, quit trying to schmooze the Supreme Court

and just poke them with a poison-tipped umbrella.

We don't have umbrellas in Florida.

It's the Sunshine State.

Then get some kompromat that'll make Roberts

the laughingstock of the whole judiciary.

Ooh, and while you're at it,

do the other justices dirty, too!

That's why you're the leader of the free world.

I can't take all the credit.

You got to give some to the death squads.

[classical music plays]

Wow! Do you guys know how to party or what?!

And keep that applause going

for our Guy of the Year Award recipient,

Chief Justice Roberts!

Are you any closer to giving me my self-pardon?

I said "no" and I look like a fool.

Fine! Then the only thing left is the group kompromat --

I mean group photo.

Everyone grab some champagne and hop on stage!

[Justice] Let's just do this so we can go to bed.

Sanders, remember. Downward angle, find your light.

I know, I know.

Say "blackmail."

[Justices] Blackmail. [camera shutter clicks]

Is it hot fire?

I've got my kompromat, I've got my kompromat

Wow. You should be on Broadway.

So the Supreme Court will issue a decision

on the presidential self-pardon Monday at noon.

I wonder who I'll self-pardon first.

Hmm. I'm thinking me.

[Cooper] Look at that. As a result of this

compromising leaked photo, the eight justices pictured

have recused themselves from all legal matters

pertaining to the president.

Who would leak such a thing?

I took that in the privacy of a 250-seat ballroom

with 19 entrances.

The hot photo appeared on the Instagram account

of Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.

I want Shinzo's badge and gun on my desk by morning.

This means that, in the upcoming hearing

concerning the president's self-pardon power,

the opinion will be issued at the sole discretion

of the one Justice not recused, Brett Kavanaugh.

Ohh! Even better!

He'll give you the kind of justice

that rich, white guys have been passing back and forth

ever since the nation's founding.

All we have to do is make sure

Brett Kavanaugh's on that bench on Monday.

Don't worry. I got my best, weirdest son

taking care of him.

[weakly] Whoa.

What happened last night?

It's just like that R-rated bachelor-party movie

The Hang Glider.

[Kavanaugh] "Jelly Man, last night reminded me

how much I enjoy being away from it all,

drowning in liquid fun!

Don't come looking for me,

or I'll take the fuck off running!

Signed, coach of my daughter's basketball team, Brett K."

[screams]

I can't find him anywhere, Don!

You're lucky I'm an expert at understanding

the inner workings of a middle-aged party king.

You have any clues?

There's a loafer print headed due west in this mound of vomit.

He flew the coop! I'm coming down there, Eric.

Good thing I have shit loads of Southwest points

from tickets I bought so I could get drunk at La Guardia.

Wait! I think I know where he is!

Have you ever heard of a town called...Orlando?

Have you ever heard of a town called

"Shut Up, I'll Meet You There"?

Let us bow our heads in prayer to Brett Kavanaugh

for making this lawlessness possible for me.

May he go to bed without getting the spins.

[all] Amen.

Now, what crimes should I commit?

And remember, there are no small crimes -- only short criminals.

Before you commit more crimes,

shouldn't you wait until Kavanaugh

actually hands down his ruling?

That's strike three, Pompeo.

Strikes one and two were existing.

Will there be any more innings?

We just found our next crime --

we're gonna torture Pompeo until he swallows his own tongue!

-That's great! -Let's kill him, huh?

I'm free all day, so just let me know.

[dolphin chittering]

[host] These dolphins are kept alive

only by the fish they receive mid-backflip.

Wow! Wait. What the hell are we doing at SeaWorld?

Brett's note said he wanted to drown in "liquid fun."

I used my deductive, future CEO logic to deduce

that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun capital of Florida.

Eric, "liquid fun" is bro-slang for beer!

There's no beer at SeaWorld!

How long has he been gone? Two days.

Two days of drunk stumbling

is four days of sober sprinting.

He could be anywhere,

you irresponsible, grade-A, grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!

It's the weekend, it's time to have fun

Mike Pompeo, for the crime of being

a boring-annoying-dumb loser,

I sentence you to sledgehammering of the legs,

then blowtorching, then poisoning,

and finally being eaten good and slow by fire ants.

If I'm gonna be covered in ants,

can I at least have a picnic with them?

That's it. I'm setting the crossbow to turbo.

It's Eric, sir. Do you wanna talk

or should I just make up something?

Ugh...

Dad, remember when you said

you'd always love me no matter what? Nope.

I lost Brett Kavanaugh!

[crying] D-a-a-ad!

Kavanaugh is gone.

Now I'm just another below-the-law schmuck

who can be thrown in jail like my former lawyer,

former campaign chief,

and three dozen of my closest associates.

I could pardon you if I was president. Hint, hint.

It's been two days

since Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh

disappeared into the humid badlands of Florida.

Search parties continue to comb through

every roadside motel bar

and empty Circuit City with a back door you can jimmy open.

Maybe they found Kavanaugh on Hannity.

With Brett Kavanaugh missing, we all have no choice

but to retreat underground with the survivalist buckets

for sale exclusively on my website!

My favorite is the Hannity Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!

Mmm! Buy the -- Buy the whole pail!

Melania, I can't go to prison looking this pretty.

I know this is difficult,

but I need you to hit me as hard as you --

Thanks for pitchin' in, honey.

[Eric] Drat!

Thought it might be Kavanaugh,

but it's just another dead, bloated guy.

Time to face facts -- you'll always be

the businessman fisher-outer

and never the businessman fishee.

How will I ever live up to my family name?

All I have are my handsome gums

and 28 credits toward my ventriloquism degree.

Forget it, Eric. Your only career path now

is to join my Secret Service detail

and somehow not fall in love with me, à la The Bodyguard.

And good luck because I am...

Enchanting as ass

[President Trump] Because all the judges

are either recused or horking into the Everglades,

the Supreme Court will fail to hear my case.

You're the man of the White House now, Mikey.

Here's the presidential suit and tie.

They'll probably be tight on you.

As much as I appreciate the gesture, I shall not accept.

If there's one thing your supporters don't want to see,

it's you being held accountable for your actions.

Pardon or no pardon, you need to fight

to make sure America continues to be a place

where guys like you can get away with anything.

And I'm with you

Tonight

Eric, are you seriously not gonna put your name in?

They got Sublime!

I see why Brett was so into this beer.

It makes being a failure a lot more palatable.

You didn't fail today.

You failed the moment you tried to be

a bad-ass business Trump like me

instead of an artsy ass-wad Trump

walking around with a donkey on his hand.

[crying] I just want to prove I'm responsible

and get Brett Kavanaugh back!

Sorry, Eric. As a child of privilege,

you don't always get what you want the minute you want it.

Sometimes you have to wait for things to fall into your lap.

[Kavanaugh] Ahh!

[karaoke host] And next up for karaoke is Coach Brett K!

Uh...how's everybody doin'?! Shut up!

[Kavanaugh] I don't wanna go to Washington!

Take me to Tobin's garage for whip-its and garlic knots!

You belong on the Supreme Court

deciding the reproductive fate

of every single American woman!

We don't have much time! Floor it!

[man] Is this the end of your presidency?

When you came for Clinton,

he hopped on Jeffrey Epstein's jet

and hightailed it to Harlem to write his memoirs.

When you tried to pin those million Iraq murders

on George W. Bush, he escaped

to his artist's loft to paint bathtubs.

And when you came for William Henry Harrison,

he got pneumonia and died!

But America elected me

to see how much stuff I could get away with,

and I'm not done getting away with stuff.

[man] Mr. President! [reporters shouting questions]

[Conway] Get the hell out of my way!

Mr. President, it's your shithead sons.

Dad! It's your shithead sons! We found Brett Kavanaugh!

He smells like an un-air-conditioned food court!

Sandblast the puke from his face

and get him in that judge dress.

We have no time to lose.

[tick echoes]

Kavanaugh's on his way.

You need to stall until he gets here.

I'm on it!

[clears throat] For my first stall,

I'd like to take a really long time to say my name.

Ruuuuuudddddyyy Giuuuuliannniii

Crap! That came out way faster than I meant it to!

Alright. What else? What else? Um...

Ah, one of the old favorites!

It was a beautiful September morning,

not a cloud in the sky...

[Kavanaugh groaning]

I think he peed!

Oh, good. That means he's alive!

So Lorne Michaels turns to me and says, "Can we be funny?"

Is this over yet? And, totally off the cuff, I said -- What did I say?

I'm meeting with Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00.

I told you, Hollywood's gonna eat you alive!

Wait! Don't marry him or whatever!

Quick, Eric. Get him on the bench!

I would, Dad, but he's too blitzed to speak.

If I'm so blitzed, then how come I can still say --

BLLUUGHHHH!

There's nothing left to do now

but accept our pitiful failure.

If only someone could make Brett Kavanaugh talk...

So, Justice Kavanaugh, do you think my dad

should be able to pardon himself?

[Kavanaugh impression] I sure do,

as much as I think you need a bath!

[Don Jr.] Got 'im!

[normal voice] Aww. That's not very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.

[Kavanaugh impression] You know what's even more not nice?

Charging the president for his crimes.

He is above us all.

[Eric and Kavanaugh impression] Hee haw!

Holy shit! He did it!

He did the double-donkey hee-haw!

[grumbles] Who said that?

[chomps] Aah!

He bit off his finger!

I don't care if I go to jail.

This is the best thing I've ever seen!

It was a dramatic day at the Supreme Court.

We have these exclusive courtroom sketches.

There's Kavanaugh biting off Eric's finger,

then regurgitating it toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,

then there's some keep-away.

But Kavanaugh did submit a written opinion,

which I have here.

Okay. This is a bar menu from a West Palm Beach Margaritaville.

As to whether the president can pardon himself,

it's still unclear, but between Dred Scott

and Citizens United, the ruling to allow

"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos

to be two-for-one on Wednesdays"

is one of the least-harmful decisions

the Supreme Court has ever made.

So, are you allowed to pardon yourself or nah?

No one knows.

So I'll just give it a shot, see if anyone freaks out.

Eric, I want to thank you for tracking down Kavanaugh

and bringing him back here,

no matter how bad it made the city smell.

You've proven you really can handle responsibility.

Does this mean I'm CEO of Trump Org?!

Even better!

I'm making you CEO of Trump Ventriloquism University!

We're opening a Ventriloquism University?!

It's more of a money-laundering front

for which you will be held legally responsible,

but you're the CEO.

When the Feds come, I'll make Deion the Donkey take the fall!

That's my boy!

Now everyone shut up and put the crime sock on the door.

We've got work to do!

['80s-style pop music plays]

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump is the president

Is Donald Trump the president?

Yes, he is

Yes, he is, we elected him president

Is Donald Trump the president?

Yes, he is

We had a vote and elected him president

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump

He is our president

We made him president

We did it

Donald Trump is the president

We elected Donald Trump

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump is the president

Yeah

Trump!