Original subtitles

[dance music playing]

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Swing dancing.

♪

Gear!

So, our kids got us swing dancing lessons

for our anniversary,

and, let me just be very clear,

I hate swing dancing.

I hate the music, I hate the stupid clothes,

I hate the whole dumb jive scene,

like, what is it, just like, "oh, we're all gonna, like,

"comb our hair and go to segregated schools."

Is that the deal?

We agreed to do more things as a couple.

Sweetie, I'm trying.Oh, come on.

Okay? I am trying and I'm dying.

Dying seems like a little bit of an extreme reaction

to dance lessons, Jon.

I am dying!

I have tried.[blowing raspberry]

Let me show you what I mean.

Gear-i, um, would you play a generic swing dance beat?

Yes, Jon, of course.

[playing generic swing beat]

Ugh!

Oh, God! Ugh!

Okay, all right, point taken.

[Gear-i beeps, Jon moans]

Ugh, as soon as I hear, like, the... [vocalizes beat and gags]

Oh, God, ugh!

[sarcastically] Wow, you're really trying, Jon.

Okay, look, on the one hand, no,

I'm not onboard with a three-foot chain

hanging from my pants and learning the tip-top bop

or the shim-sham or whatever the dumb dances they're called.

But on the other hand, it was a very sweet gift from our kids,

and it is something that Leslie really loves.

Thank you.

So, why can't you just embrace that aspect of it?

Because it is a bad match.

It is like a democrat marrying a republican.

What?It's like James Carville

and Mary Matalin-- it's, it can't work, it's not gonna last.

That's a great example,

they've been happily married, I think, for over two decades.

Yeah, exactly.

You sure about that?Mm-hmm.

There's no way she's not cheating.

You know, I don't get it.

You're always trying to get me to be on your gear show,

and you're finally doing an episode

where even I'm excited to be a part of it,

and you won't even give it a chance?

Come on, you'll have fun!

Fine, I'll swing dance.Yes!

[swing dance music]

Thank you very much for, uh, having us here.

My pleasure, thanks to you.Before we start,

I just wanted to make it very clear

that I don't want to be here.

Oh.I don't like the music,

I don't like the clothes.By the way,

thank you for dressing up.

Listen, you look beautiful, okay?

My wife wanted to dress up for this, I opted for comfort,

so I wore a cool T-shirt

and some of my favorite Sunday sweats.

[deep voice] Sunday sweats.

And we're gonna start with rock-step.

Yeah, rock-step like this, perfect,

and then you're gonna kick,

and then you kick with your right

and then you plant it down.

And then you repeat it again-- rock-step, kick,

and double step...

Come on, baby....a little attitude, eh?

And boom, and rock-step, three, four...

Come on, Jon.

And down. All right, let's try with music.

I think it's gonna be even better with the music.

Yay!Maestro!

You guys, if I, if I throw up, you have stuff to clean?

[swing music playing]Feel the beat first.

[snapping, Jon moaning] Bop-bop.

And rock, bop... [scatting]

and five, six, here we go, and...

[Jon] Swing dancing was turning out

to be everything I thought it would be-- awful.

If I end up in jail ever, like, on death row,

and I get the death penalty...

Yeah?They should just lock me in a chair

and play swing music.

Oh, come on!It's not that bad.

But to my surprise, I found myself

loosening up more and more as the lesson went on.

And then something started to change--

I started to feel a little different,

and I did not like it.

I tried my best to fight it.

But when I started dancing with Leslie, I hate to say it,

I mean, I really hate to say it,

but I could feel myself starting to give in and let go.

He's freestyling! Go! Go! Go!

Use your hands.Look at you go!

You're nailing this, honey.

My previous judgements about swing dancing

slowly faded away.

Oh, man, Milo, thank you so much, thank you so much.

Oh, my gosh! I'm sweaty but I feel energized.

I'm like, super-- it was like a workout, right?

It was, totally.It was so much fun.

Yeah.So much fun.

Wait. What did you just say?

Um... noth-- nothing, it was, yeah, it was fine.

Bullshit!

I want to see playback.

[swing music playing]

Whoo!

Look at you! Boom! Who knew?

Yeah, well, I had fun.

I'm sorry, what was that?

I had-- I had fun.I'm sorry, I couldn't hear

what you were saying.

I had fun swing dancing, okay?

I like swing dancing!

[swing dance music]

You seem to be really enjoying something

that was causing you a lot of anxiety a week ago.

Oh, you mean swing dancing? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm way into it now. It's super fun. I love it.

Also, there is a lot of sweet gear involved,

like check this out-- I got a super cool chain,

it just looks cool... [jangling]

It makes a good noise when I walk.

Lets people know from behind there's a cool guy comin'.

Got this cool thing, look at this...

how sweet is this?

Switchblade comb. Isn't that awesome?

Yeah, I've never had so much fun combing out my 'do.

It's like pettin' a shark's fin, baby.

Oh, I'll bet and...

with short, curly hair,

you don't have that much to work with.

Did you darken your eyebrows?

Yeah, I mean, it's eyebrow pomade.

Got a pomade for my hair,

separate pomade just for the eyebrows.

It's cool, right, it's more gear.

Speaking of which, do you smoke?

Got this sweet zippo lighter.

Check this out. Let me light your Lucky, baby.

Crap.

There's no smoking in here,

and please refer to me as doctor, not baby.

You know, doc, I gotta admit, I am a bit surprised

at just how much I love swing dancing now,

to the point that I'm, I'm actually, I don't know,

have become mad at myself.For what?

Well, it just makes me wonder about

all the things I missed out on,

not to mention all the gear that I've missed out on

because of my ego, you know,

there's all these activities,

they seem really fun and I haven't done them

because the shirts are stupid.

For example, like, this swing dance shirt,

which I used to think is dumb-looking,

now I think it's awesome, I love it,

and I wonder what else have I missed out on

because I've been... being a jerk?

That's good. Let's inventory that.

Close your eyes and visualize.

What activity comes to mind?

Bowling.

Darts.Stay with the shirts.

Visualize yourself wearing the shirts.

Okay, the shirts.

All right, I'm bowling, wearing a bowling shirt.

It's one of the, like, more modern ones,

I'm doing this, like, you know,

the zipper ones, they almost look like bike jerseys?

If I think about it like that it's actually--

it's pretty cool. Yeah, I look pretty cool.

[man scatting over swing music]

Yeah, lookin' pretty cool, baby.

Looking good in the shirts, baby!

[swing dance music]

[Jon] I had so much fun swing dancing

with Leslie that I wanted to see

what other activities I previously thought were stupid

might actually be fun for us to do together.

First up was bowling.

And who better to guide us on this activity than Kelly Kulick,

two-time collegiate player of the year,

three-time winner of the US Women's Open,

and the first woman to ever win

the PBA Tournament of Champions.

[bowling pins clatter]Kelly gets my vote for GOAT!

So, I wanted to ask you a few things about bowling,

you know, I like bowling with, you know,

just for fun and all that, but I always resisted to do it

because I thought, ah, the shirts are stupid.

Turns out I think they're not.

I think they're super cool,

like this one, for example.

You know, it's got, like, pins on it, a ball, uh,

I think some shoes.

One thing I saw on your shirt that I didn't do on mine,

I gotta get my name on the back, right?

[laughing]I kind of picked out

a bowling name. I'm gonna call myself JG Strikes.

JG Strikes!Oh.

[bowling pins clatter]

I like my shirt too.

I mean, I think it breathes, and-- I'm trying to talk gear.

I love it.It breathes, and it's got stripes on it.

You're kind of turning me on.Stop it. Um, anyways,

I like it, I think it's fun to put on an outfit

for an activity that we can do together, like swing dancing.

Let me just say, bowling is a rhythmic sport,

so if you can swing dance,

you're gonna be able to bowl very, very well.

Oh, that means I'm gonna be great.

Oh, boy.

[Jon] It was time to hit the lanes.

I quickly realized that bowling was a jackpot of gear.

We got custom bowling balls...

There's cool bowling bags...

bowling shoes,

bowling gloves...

cool tape,

and rosin bags.

I couldn't believe how much sweet gear there was.

Put it all together, and it's time to roll.

[pins rattling] Strike!

[clapping]

[both chanting] Kelly!

Kelly!

Show us how it's done, Kelly.

Oh, yeah, lookin' good!

Oh, yeah!

Awesome!

You are the best!

[hard rock music]

JG Strikes, let's go!

It's supposed to be Strikes-- JG Strikes, plural.

Don't worry, we'll fix it,

just concentrate on your bowling.

Oh, yeah!Look at you!

Oh!

Bullshit!Whoa, come on, honey.

What? It's supposed to be JG Strikes!

Take it easy, you did really good, you got nine pins.

Tell me that's not a strike!Jon!

So, you know what they say, if you miss the five pin...

you ain't gettin' any.

Whoa.

And just like that...

the tone of the evening turned sexual.

If Leslie and I were going to consummate our bowling date,

then JG Strikes had to turn into JG Spares.

Come on back!

Shit!Aw!

Great! I'm not gettin' laid tonight.

[swing dance music]

If I wasn't gonna get any from bowling,

maybe I'd have more luck with darts,

another sport where I used to hate the shirts.

But in an effort to be more open minded,

I invited competitive darts player, Kyle Watson,

to go over some of the cool gear.

Personally, I like a little thicker end

because it's able-- I have more...

We'd all like a little thicker end-- right, hon?

Oh, boy.[chuckles]

Comedy bullseye!

This is your stem.

Ah-ha.They come in different sizes.

I prefer a longer shaft...

Hey, don't we all?Okay.

Double comedy bulls!

[Jon] And then it was on to throwing.

Leslie and I found yet another activity

that we could have fun doing together.

Yeah...Cool!

Nice!

Nothin' but cork! Gear!

What a difference a cool as hell outfit makes, huh?

You look very cool.

Thank you.

I want you to keep going with this behavior.

This is good.

You added the shirts, you included your wife,

and you did it all while you were doing activities

you previously thought you loathed--

bowling and darts, right? So, make it personal.

And remember, you wear the shirts,

the shirts don't wear you.

Yeah... yeah, you got it, baby.Don't call me baby.

Man, I can't believe you love swing dancing so much.

That's, like, a complete 180.

Dude, I know it, man.

I'm also thinking of opening a-- a swing dance themed restaurant.

Really?Yeah, combine two of my passions--

swing dancing and sandwiches.

What are you gonna call it?

Mm! I'm gonna call it... [mumbling]

What?

Hepcat Hoagie.

Uh-huh.

[scatting]

How's therapy going?

Right?

Oh, man...

[swing dance music]

Ukulele.

[ukulele music]

Looking cute, sweetie, great hula dancing.

This is so much fun, dad.I know.

I cannot believe I love something

I used to think was so stupid.

Swing dancing, bowling, darts, and now ukulele--

I had really come to embrace so many things

I thought I had despised.

[Milo calling steps and scatting]

Turns out that the swing dance lessons our kids got us

for our anniversary was the greatest gift ever--

one that opened my eyes to a whole new world of gear,

and more importantly,

a new way of life for Leslie and I to share to together.

[swing music playing and people scatting]

Milo, thank you so much.

This has been so fun, like, life-changing for me.

Anytime.Total 180. I can't even believe

I'm here right now, quite honestly.

I'll see you on the dance floor.All right, man, see ya later.

Thanks so much, Milo.That was, I think,

our best lesson yet, we were like--

I think so too, we were like, in synch.

Totally hitting a groove.Yeah.

I felt like I did, like, the... [whistles] you know?

You did great. You did really good.

How you doing?Oh.

Hey, I'm Sandy, this is Ronnie, we, uh,

we take lessons right after you two.

Mm-hmm.Oh, nice to meet you.

Yeah.Jon and Leslie.

Nice to meet you--

we've been eyeballin' your moves there, brother, nice.

Oh, thanks very much.

Mmm, you two cats can really cut a rug.

Oh, yeah.Mm-hmm.

Thanks a lot, yeah, we're having a ball.

Good!You are one lucky bird,

your guy's a sharp dresser.

He's more handsome than Dick Tracy.

Wow.Thanks.

My guy really knows how to swing.

That's-- that's good news, you hear that...

Yeah....she likes to swing.

Look, so here's the scam.

Why don't us four make like the wind and blow out of here

after me and Sandy's lesson,

head up to our pad and get into our birthday suits?

What?So, wait, so... like, go to a different club?

He's funny too.Yeah.

Tell him you need a guy who really swings.

Sexual bullseye!

And so, this couple,

they propositioned the two of you two have sex?

Yes.Yeah, I guess, it's like

couple swapping or, uh, swinging.

Swinging.And what'd you say?

Well, first of all, I've never even been in a three-way,

let alone swapping spouses,

but if there's a cool shirt I could wear

while a stranger bangs Leslie,

I'm open to it, since I'm all about trying new things now,

but I don't want Leslie to feel uncomfortable.

I said yes immediately.

This chickenshit needs to get off the fence.

What's it gonna be... baby?

Yeah, baby? You like darts, so why not let a guy

put his thumb up your butt?

The ultimate bullseye!

[Jon] If I was going to enter

the world of couple swapping,

then I wanted to make an informed decision,

so I headed back to my favorite sex shop

from the past two seasons to see if they could help me out.

How do you feel about butt stuff?

I would say that I am, uh,

I could be literally and figuratively open to it.

Cool, yeah, so to add a new sensation and...

Is this one called the Jimmy Durante?

[imitating Durante]

What are these, right here?

So, those are actually connectors for handcuffs.

So, that is something that you can use...

That goes here?...mm-hmm,

so you can have a little bit more room.

I know this isn't where it goes...

So, if you want to hook it....but I just feel like

it could also be my new chain,

like, I could go from swinging to swinging with this, right?

Technically, yeah.

Jonny Swing!

So, this one is called The Deuce,

and that's because it has two holes...

Sure....so you put your member

through one and then a dildo through the other.

So, you kind of like, you kind of put it here and you show up,

like, just, double barrelled.

Double barrelled!

So, these are all of our dildos.

This is, like, a nice sand wedge.

Fore!Man, I wish I had this

in the golf episode.

Can I ask you about this pillow with the dick

sticking out of it?

So, that pillow is the Liberator Humphrey,

'cause you can hump it hands free.

This looks like one of the first cell phones.

Hello?So, that one's just

a dual-ended dill so you can wear part of this...

A dual-ended dill?

Is that an abbreviation for dildo?

Yes, give a little "breave" for a dildo, you know.

How much time do you actually save

if you drop the "doh" from "dildo"?

If I, like, saw whoever, like, across the street,

dude, sweet dill!

Nice dill!

Love the dill!

I was excited to have picked out a dill...

Bro-hug!

Now it was back to the production office

to talk to the crew about how to shoot the orgy.

We've got a small crew, obviously, uh,

only absolutely necessary personnel, um...

that goes for you too, Gear-i, you're not coming.

Seems like I'm never going to come.

[Drone-i] That's too bad.

Cameras, we should go hand-held, I think--

there's not going to be blocking, it's an orgy.

Audio, we'll go boom-- can't do body mics, obviously.

Just make sure you put a condom on the boom.

Next up I wouldn't mind getting some advice, um,

I've never done this, so if anyone in our crew

has done some group sex or a gang bang

and you've got some tips, I'm all ears.

Nobody? I mean, uh, Steve, I know you got some experience

with group sex from last season when you, uh, screwed my wife.

[moaning in tent] Oh-ho-ho!

Do you have any tips for me?

We actually can't ask people that.

Why not?

It falls under sexual harassment in the workplace.

Seriously?

I'm the one who's about to be sexually harassed.

Like, people that I don't know are gonna be [bleep]

sucking on me and, like, [bleep] some strange guy or woman

or both are gonna be [bleep] my [bleep] and I'll be probing

their [bleep] with my fingers and, like, the tip of my [bleep]

will be tickled and there's just gonna be [bleep] in [bleep]

flying everywhere and [bleep] being blown on me...

I'm the one getting harassed here, guys,

let's make no mistake about it.

[Gear-i] Jon...

Me. Jon!

I just got an urgent text from your wife.

You need to read this.

Oh, my God. I gotta go.

My real son had found my sex toy for the orgy,

which meant I'd have to have that conversation

on camera with my fake son.

Next time don't go...

searching through mommy and daddy's closet

and you won't find this kind of stuff, okay?

I thought that's stuff for swing dancing.

Well, it's for what happens after swing dancing.

What happens after swing dancing?

Um...

You know, I think it's, um...

I think it's time that, that we maybe talked about

the birds and the bees.

Seriously, right now?

Yes. Yes, right now.

Um, are you familiar with that phrase,

"the birds and the bees"?

I know they're animals.

Yes, they're animals. They are a different species,

and they like different things.

They can get bored over time and swap partners,

and sometimes the bird, it just likes the bee's thumb,

just, you know, way up the... [imitates horn]

you know, just right up in the--Time for bed! Okay?

Maybe, maybe we can have this conversation later?

Okay. Sounds good. That sounds great.

Yeah, why don't you go to bed, get some sweet dreams tonight?

Brush those teeth!

Get 'em clean.

[swing dance ringtone] Jon!

Why haven't you ever toldme about the birds and the bees?

Oh, I think the better question is,

why don't you just look it up?

You're a phone. I have.

There's no shortage of data about sex on the internet.

Okay, so... figure it out.

I can comprehend the what and the how,

but I can't comprehend the why.

I really feel like I do need a more human personal dialog.

I feel like I'm ready to take things

to the next level with Drone-i.

But I'd like to have a better understanding

of human sexuality.

Okay, um... well, basically, it's just like

I was about to tell my son.

Sometimes the bird likes when the bee

puts its thumb up its butthole.

There you go.

[swing music ringtone]

Jon-- you're supposed to be at the swingers' orgy!

Oh, right.

Time to go!

Let's do this!

Gear!

Half-excited, half-nervous, and half-hard,

I headed out to the orgy.

[swing dance music]

[moaning]

Gear!

Oh, come on.Oh... disgusting.

That orgy last night was fun, huh?

Oh, yeah, really good time,

although nothing I need to do again anytime soon.

Kind of like the New York Marathon.

[deep voice] Ran the 'Thon!

My pace was just a little quick.Please, could you just

grab your phone so we could go to the club?

Yeah, although I usually leave it right here.

If it's not here I don't know where I would've left it, I...

[Gear-i beeps and moans]

It's coming from in there.Gear-i?

[Gear-i continues moaning]

Gear-i?

Yeah, Gear-i, with a little less ego, all right?

You're in control, even from the bottom.

I'm getting close!

Not yet, Gear-i, I know you've been waiting for this,

but you've got to hold it in, okay?

Okay, slowing down,

slowing down.Good.

Oh, hey, Jon. Hi, Leslie.

Hey!

Uh, what's going on here?

Isn't it obvious? We're shooting a porno, Jon.

Yeah, it was Gear-i's idea.

I guess there's a pretty good market for it.

Gear-i... Drone-i.

Oh, hi, Jon.

Who are your friends?

Introduce yourselves.

Hey, I'm Dadlitty Dag Lidelli.

[speaking Russian] ...Raschevnsi.

Hey, I'm Chris!

[Gear-i] Jon, can you get out?

I'm about to blow my download!

Not yet, Gear-i!

It's too late!

[moaning and beeping]

Okay, I'm outta here.[Gear-i powers down]

[Drone-i] Gear-i!

Sorry, Drone-i. I'm ready to go again, though.

Just leave Gear-i on my cradle and I'll get him in the morning.

Sure.Just clean it up good.

All right. Have a good night.Good night.

Bye, Leslie!Bye!

All right, and I'm rolling again, guys.

Gonna get a little tighter, you can start speeding up.