Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Road trip![honking horn]

Gear!

[continues honking]

♪

Gear!

So, my family and I are taking a big trip to upstate New York

for a super sweet snowboarding vacation.

Shooting the show can be very stressful,

and I was really excited to get away for a few days.

I was especially happy to spend

some time with my wife and kids,

even if their faces were blurred.

Thank you so much for doing this, honey.

We're gonna have a great time, right, guys?

Whoo!Whoo-- you guys excited?

Yeah.

I was joined by Stephanie Vermillion,

a travel consultant who let me know how I did

gearing up for the trip.

So, check these out-- I got some travel sweats.

[deep voice] Travel sweats.

They got really sweet...

deep pocket right here.

Deep pockets.

I got some shades for the road.

These are kind of, like...

[imitating Nicholson] Jack Nicholson style.

Jack Nicholson style.

And then when I'm not using them...

boom, right in my travel sweats.

Travel sweats.

Cool bags, right?Very aesthetically pleasing.

Water bottles?Oh, and those are collapsible.

So, once the kids... [imitates gulping]

we just collapse 'em up and they take up less room.

Bring them with you to the ski slope

so you don't have to buy water bottles--

you can bring your own and fill them in the fountain.

Sweet tip!

So, this thing, how cool is this?

First of all, this slices open your seatbelt...

Mm-hmm....so you can get out if you're trapped.

Dad's the hero.

Dad's the hero.

Just in case, again, we get into trouble,

I wanted to have, like, some good walkie-talkies.

Breaker-breaker. Stephanie,

how'd I do on road trip stuff? Over.

To keep everyone happy, you may want to put your snacks

in the middle seat for the kids.

[deep voice] Sweet tip!

When you're done speaking, you have to say "over"

so the other person knows you're done talking.

Sweet tip!

Oh-- got it. Over.

So, these snacks'll go here? Over.

Yep, do that immediately. Over.

Appreciate it.

Shit! I forgot to say "over".

Also, since we can't see my family's faces,

and since they'll be playing

such a significant part of today's episode,

the network suggested I bring along a reaction guy,

so you'll know exactly how

my family is reacting in certain situations,

whether it be happy...

sad... angry...

scared, or whatever, there will be no mystery now

as to how my family is feeling about the trip.

Karl, come on in, this is my family.

We settled on a guy named Karl.

I thought he made great faces.

[laughing]

[laughing]

[chuckling]

All right, everybody ready to go?

Okay, let's look into this camera right here

and we're gonna say, "road trip," on three--

everybody ready? One, two, three--

[all] Road trip!

Whoo!Cheers, Spurt.

Everybody say good-bye to Spurt.

Bye, everybody!

It was time to hit the open road,

and as you can see, we also got

some spectacular drone footage,

courtesy of our very own Drone-i Malonie.

Great stuff, Drone-i.

Thanks, Jon.

[imitating Nicholson] I like your

Jack Nicholson impression.

[imitating Nicholson] Oh-ho-ho! Good Jack, Drone-i.

[singing] ♪ Driving, driving

♪ Driving down the road

♪ It's a road trip, road trip ♪

♪ On the highway of life

♪ We're going from our city to another city ♪

♪ That's half the fun, it's the destination not the-- ♪

♪ No, it's the journey not the-- ♪

Which one is it? Is it the journey or the destiny?

It's the journey, sweetie. It's okay, we get it.

Hey, uh, breaker-breaker, dad to son, dad to son.

How we doing back there, good buddy?

Got any smokeys on our tail? Over.

[beep]

Say again, dad to son, breaker-breaker.

Jon, Jon-- he has his headphones on.

Hey, good buddy-- [beep]

Karl, would you nudge my son, get his attention?

What? Trying to talk to you

through the walkie-talkies.

I know, I don't want to talk.

Come on, it's fun, any smokeys back there?

What's a smokey? Smokie is CB talk

for coppers.Can I just go back to my movie?

Would you talk in the walkie-talkie, please?

Dad, I'm not talking on a walkie-talkie.

You gotta say "over".I'm done talking.

Even if you're done talking, you say,

"I'm done talking, over."

Over! Oh, my gosh!

Got it. 10-4, good buddy, over and out.

♪

After a beautiful drive

in the kick-ass rugged SUV we rented,

we arrived at our cabin in upstate New York.

We unloaded our gear and started our snowboarding weekend.

I can already feel the stress starting to melt away.

Oh, wow, yeah.

This place is cool-- it's like "The Shining".

Look at that-- they even got a typewriter here.

Oh, yeah, this chair is sweet,

check this out, nice.

What's "The Shining"?Oh, yeah.

Uh, we're not gonna talk about that, sweetie.

It's a scary movie that's not appropriate for kids.

What's it about?Uh, long story short,

it's about this family and they're in the woods

and the dad kind of goes crazy and he tries to kill his family.

Whoa.

Jon, I just said let's not talk about it.

Yeah, but that dad was working, and this dad's on vacation.

I mean, listen, could I lose my mind and try to kill you guys?

Yeah, that's just a reality of life.

Will I actually do it?

Most likely not, so there's nothing to worry about.

Now, that said, we are in the woods,

and isolation can, you know, mess with someone's mind,

so let's put this plan in place.

If I start typing on that typewriter and I start typing,

"All work and no gear makes Jon a dull dad,"

or something like that,

that is your cue to nip it in the bud.

What do you mean by nip it in the bud?

You know what, it'd just be easier

if you just watch the movie.

Uh, hey, Gear-i, would you bring up "The Shining"?

Nope. The kids are not watching "The Shining".

Okay, guys, let's get ourselves settled.

Classic Kubrick version

or the TV version that Stephen King preferred?

Come on, Gear-i, what kind of question is that?

If you're gonna watch "The Shining"...

[imitating Nicholson] you gotta go with Jack.

Oh, my God. Don't listen to this, kids,

let's go, keep going.

You guys check out your room, I'll be right out here.

Hey, Karl, they couldn't handle the truth

of my Jack impression.

Yeah, I'm gonna go check on those rooms.

Sounds good, Karl.

Jack...!

We settled in and had a really yummy dinner,

and even though we had yet to go outside into the woods,

I'm so neurotic that I made everyone do

a tick check before bed.

Hey, are you psyched to try those

sweet snowboard goggles tomorrow?

I don't know, I guess.

You guess?

Seriously? You're not psyched for those?

Those things are so cool.

I don't get as excited about gear as you do.

Instead of a tick check maybe we should be doing a DNA check,

make sure you're my son.

Whatever, dad.

[eerie music]

What? What is it? Is there a tick?

Um... no, no, no tick.

False alarm, just some dandruff.

Then why did you just take a photo?

I don't know, it's...

can't a father take a photo of his son's scalp?

What's the big deal?

Yummy pancakes, mommy.

Glad you like them, honey.

You guys are all up extra early.

Yep.

Kids are super excited about snowboarding,

been up all morning, so stoked.

Good face, Karl!

[eerie music]

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.Hey, guys, I gotta talk to mommy

about logistics for later.

You guys just talk to Karl and look at his funny faces.

Oh, my gosh, he's so fun!

Hey, what's going on?

Last night when I was doing his tick check...

Yeah?I found a mark on his scalp.

My gosh, what was it?

This is gonna sound crazy,

but it was the word "gear" and it had

one of those Ghostbusters things crossing it out.

Seriously?Yes.

This is no longer "The Shining".

This has become "The Omen".

What?Do you not remember

in the movie, when the dad is looking at his son's scalp

and he finds the mark that says 666?

And he finds out his son is the devil?

That is what's going on here.

You think our son is the anti-Christ?

No, I think he is the anti-Gear.

What are you talking about? That makes zero sense.

It makes perfect sense.

Why do you think he didn't want to play

with the walkie-talkies in the car?

Because it would've burned his fingertips,

because he's, like, some kind of gear devil.

And you assumed that your son is trying to kill you.

What are you talking about?

No, I think he's trying to destroy my gear.

Show me the photo.

Jon, that's a birthmark.

That's what I thought.

It's a blurry photo, you didn't see what I could see.

Okay, I'm good.

Okay, guys, um...

Daddy's gonna go get changed and we'll hit slopes.

Okay, kids, let's finish up and head on out.

Here you go, sweetie.

[distorted voice] Yum, yum!

[Jon] We were ready to hit the slopes.

Some of us were beginners, so first up,

a quick private lesson with our instructor Brian

from Thunder Ridge.

All right, guys, let's grab our boards

and let's put it down on the ground, flat,

right in front yourselves, okay?

Jon, we're gonna put our board down on the ground, there.

Sweet board, right?

Yeah, we're gonna put it on the ground for now, though,

we're gonna start out with talking about the board.

You don't think we should start off by talking about

all this sweet gear?

[deep voice] Sweet gear.

[background conversations]

I got a slow start to my lesson,

but a hot start on my gear.

My daughter did really well for her first time.

Whoo!

Karl's really good at making faces.

Snowboarding? Uh, not so much.

And my son sure seemed to be enjoying himself and his gear.

Maybe I was seeing things back in the cabin,

and a day on the mountain was the perfect cure

for a stressed-out dad.

All right, guys, let's make sure that that heel

is set back nice and tight.

Get it nice and tight, guys.

And those bindings are nice and tight as well.

I'm gonna go get my board real quick, I'll be right--

Oh, I have the same goggles.

Those are sweet.

How cool was that?

Yeah, pretty cool.Got the same goggles

as the instructor.

That feel good when he said that to you?

Oh, yeah.

Gear not only makes you look cool,

but it can really make you feel cool too, right?

All right, so what we're gonna do,

we're gonna pretend the hill

is a secret class five government document.

We're gonna shred it up.

[shredding metal music]

Feel the shred!

Shred it!

Shreddin' the mountain was awesome.

I hadn't been this amped

since I ran the New York City Marathon.

[deep voice] Ran the 'Thon!

Whoo!

[overlapping conversations]...not bad.

Sweetie, you were doing pretty good, honey.

That was so great.Nice job.

Karl, pretty good, man.

Nice job over there.Thanks.

Hey, Brian!

What's up, my dude?What's up? How was that?

Kind of feels like Thanksgiving up there

the way I'm carving those slopes.

Carving those slopes.

Oh, hey, uh, I really wanted to thank you

for complimenting my son's goggles this morning.

That, like, totally made his day.

No problem, man, they're a sweet pair.

Also, you know, it's okay to compliment adults

when they're wearing some sweet gogs.

Whatever you say.Yeah.

They're not bad.Not bad at all.

Yeah.[cracking]

What was that?What wasthat?

Oh, shoot, man, that's not supposed to happen.

Whoa... That is crazy-- see this, man?

Goggles shouldn't just crack like that, right?

Never. They're supposed to be shatter-proof.

[eerie music]

They really enjoyed snowboarding today.

Yeah.

And he's still wearing his goggles,

Which disproves your theory

about him being the anti-Gear.

Yeah, I don't think he's the anti-Gear anymore.

I think he's the devil.

Oh, my God, now what?

Well, originally I thought

he was one of the devil's minions,

but now I just think he is Satan himself.

Did you see that?

He turned right when I said that!

There's no way he could've heard me out there.

He heard because he's got supernatural hearing powers

because he is the devil!

He is playing us.

He is going to wait for me to let my guard down

and then he's gonna open the gates of hell

and suck all the gear off the face of the earth.

It's gonna be like... [vocalizing]

and then gear is gonna be like... [vocalizing]

and everyone's gonna be like... [vocalizing]

and people are gonna be like... [vocalizing]

Jon, do you hear yourself right now? You sound insane.

Yeah, that sounded a little extreme.

Yeah. Maybe you should go outside

and do something to clear your mind.

Yeah, I agree. Maybe, um...

You know what, I'm gonna go snowshoeing.

That was like, I wanted to do that this trip,

I think this is the perfect day for it.

I'll just go do that-- just a nice, solo jaunt.

[dramatic music] Can I come, father?

You were just outside, how did you get in here?

We just finished playing outside, now we're inside.

Um... you know, snowshoeing is, uh,

it's more of a solo thing for dads, so I don't think so.

Please, father.

Take a walkie-talkie.

If the anti-Gear shows up, give me a call,

I'll come save you.

Fine, you can come.

Normally, having my son enjoying

all this sweet gear with me would be a dream come true.

But I was waiting for that dream to turn into a nightmare

when he transformed into the anti-Gear.

Mom to son, mom to son.

How's it going out there? Over.

Hey, mom, yeah, we're outside, having a blast snowshoeing.

All right, have fun, over and out.

10-4, good buddy.

You're right, father, these walkie-talkies are so cool!

See, I told you, right?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna go check out the ravine.

Oh, yeah, that sounds good.

I'll catch up with you in a sec, okay?

Just be careful.

Hey, uh, do you mind keeping an eye on him, Karl?

Oh, sure.

Thanks a lot, man.

Oh, and uh, loving the faces.

Really, really great.

Oh, yeah?[laughing]

Classic Karl.

[eerie music]

Gear-i, uh, what's the current temperature?

38 degrees. Having fun?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

Jon, do you still think your son is the anti-Gear?

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe I'm making myself nuts, I mean...

He really seems to be having a good time,

and I got to admit,

it's pretty great seeing him enjoy all that gear

just like his old man.

It sounds like it's all been in your head, Jon.

Yeah, maybe you and Leslie are right, Gear-i.

Man, it's beautiful out, Gear.

I mean, Gear-i.

[screaming]

Son!

Dad!

Son, I'm coming!

You okay?Yeah, I'm fine.

What happened?We were just looking

at the edge of the cliff and then Karl just fell down.

What? Karl!

[Karl] I think I broke my leg!

Gear-i, call 911.

I'm sorry Jon, but I don't have a signal out here.

Oh, my God-- here, give me that walkie-talkie.

Breaker-breaker, Leslie, come in, over.

[beep]

[deep distorted voice] There's no Leslie here.

Who is this? Over.

Who is this?

This is Jon Glaser from the TV show

"Jon Glaser Loves Gear". Over.

Gear... Over.

Gear over?

[softly] Gear over.

Who wasthat? That was a weird voice.

[Karl screaming]What exactly happened here?

We were just looking over the edge and he fell off.

He fell off?

Yeah.Or you pushed him?

Father, father--

no, what are you talking about?

You're the devil.

What? Is this that thing where I need to nip you in the bud?

No. Do I need to nip you in the bud?

Uh, not really.

[Karl] Are you guys comin'?

Hold tight, Karl!

I'm just gonna go get some gear...!

[Leslie] Okay. Okay, well,

just, just keep us posted.

All right, thanks.

Hey, good morning, everybody, what's up?

Hey.

Who, uh, who were you on the phone with?

Oh, that was the hospital.

Karl's got a really bad broken leg and a concussion.

They said he's lucky it wasn't worse.

Why aren't you dressed?

Oh, um, you know, it was so much fun sleeping in the union suit,

I thought it would also be fun to, uh, you know,

pop the butt flap, drop a deuce while I was wearing it.

Okay, well, just hurry up, we want to get going.

Yes, father.

I can't wait to get back outside and hit the slopes again.

I'm really starting to love gear.

[eerie music]

Yeah, you know what, why don't you guys go on with out me?

I don't want to rush this deuce,

and I actually have some errands I gotta run in town.

Seriously?

This is the last day of our vacation.

Tell you later, nature calls.

Whoop, whoop, whoopsie doodles.

While my wife and daughter tempted fate

by hanging out with the anti-Gear all day,

I headed into town to look for just the right thing

that would aid in my battle of good versus evil.

Thankfully, I found it.

It even had a super cool turbo feature.

[eerie music]

Well, the kids are asleep.

Finally.Yes, you coming to bed?

I think I'm gonna read for a little bit.

Well, don't stay up too late,

we're leaving early in the morning

and you said you'd drive, so...

I did.All right.

All right, good night, sweetie, I love you.

Good night, honey.I'll be up soon.

Okay.Good night, Karl,

sorry about your foot.Hey. Good night.

Yeah, great faces as always.

[laughing]

All right.

[eerie music]

Dad? What are you doing?

[imitating Nicholson] I'm not gonna hurt ya.

I'm just gonna cut your freakin' hair off.

What?Come here!

Cut it out!Come here!

Why do you want to do a haircut at night?

Open this door!No!

Open up!

I'm gonna buzz this door down!I don't want a haircut.

Turning on the turbo mode-- now, here we go.

Oh-- all right, the blade popped off,

but when I get this blade back in,

it's gonna be "Gear's Johnny"!

Quit doing that impression, it sucks!

No, it doesn't, it sounds just like him!

What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to trim his scalp

so I can show the world he's the anti-Gear!

Mom, he's nuts! Nip it in the bud!

Give me those.

Sweetie, come on out, it's okay, I'm here.

No way!It's okay, everything's fine,

everything's fine, everything's fine.

Daddy just has an idea

that there's some kind of a mark on your head...

Not just some kind of a mark, the mark of the anti-Gear.

The what?Knock it off!

You're scaring him. Would you just let daddy

take a look at your scalp for just a second?

[sighs] Whatever.

Thank you, here we go, ready?

Anti-Gear revealed on three.

One, two, three!

It's a birthmark.Yeah, it's a birthmark.

Way to ruin a vacation.

Sweetie, let's just forget about this, okay?

Everything's all right, all right?

Why don't you just go back to bed, all right?

Yeah. Thanks a lot, dad.

Sorry, son.Whatever.

Come on.

Come on, don't make that face.

Oh, uh, where's Karl?

Should probably get him out here for some... reactions.

[knocking]

Karl, sorry to wake you up, man,

uh, I know it's late but we got a little situation out here,

we need some, we need some reactions.

Karl?[knocking]

Hey, Karl?[eerie music]

Um...

I can't handle the truth of...

death by auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Um... I don't think we should go in there,

but this was Karl's final face.

[deep voice] Rest in peace, Karl.

It's another road trip, we're on the road,

heading back downstate to where we live.

[Leslie] Jon, can you please stop?

Kids, do you have any more questions

about what Karl did to himself?

You understand the concept of risk versus reward, right?

What's the reward?

Okay, we're not gonna get into this right now, okay?

Too bad he's not here right now.

He'd be making this face that you're doing.

No one's gonna talk? All right, that's fine,

nothing wrong with that.

Just have a nice, relaxing, long, quiet ride home.

That actually sounds pretty nice.

[imitating Nicolson] I mean, unless, of course,

Jack Nicholson shows up behind...

[all talking at once]We're not doing that right now.

Why not? What's not fun?

You don't even sound like him!

Oh, you think you'd do a better Jack than me?

Then let's have a Jack Nicholson impression contest.

We'll have ourselves a good, old-fashioned Jack-off.

Oh, daddy, stop! [all talking at once]