Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Golf!

Brandon, you find my ball?

No.[Bleep]! Well, keep looking!

♪

Gear!

I've always wanted to do a golf episode,

because there's no more perfect metaphor for life than golf.

And with Steve having survived

his impossible outdoor winter challenge,

I thought golf would be the perfect way

to help him de-stress, so I took him for a little R&R

to this super cool indoor golf facility to smack some drives.

Yeah, that's lookin' nice!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, right down the middle-- boom!

How sweet is this place, man, right?

Isn't this place cool?

How sweet is this driver, man? Check this thing out.

This thing is a beast. Is that awesome?

I like this matte black.

See these sweet shades? They're better outside but--

Oh, all right! Golf shades.

Look, Steve, the...

the show must go on, man.

You want to tee up?

I'm still not ready.

Yeah, totally, I... I get it, I understand, I...

I'd feel the same way if I were you, you know,

if the network wanted to fire me

and basically sent me on a death mission,

just take your time, whenever you're ready.

You know, it's... it's kind of like golf, actually.

Fore!

You don't want to rush your shot.

Take your time when you're standing over your ball.

Lock in, get focused, and only when you are ready,

do you want to let it rip.

Oh, beauty! Oh, come on, get left!

Hold on!

Ah, I swung too hard, starting to hook a little bit.

I've been trying--I didn't think I was gonna make it.

I mean, I, I'd been on week-long survival camps before,

but never, not once did I ever think that I was gonna die.

I've been getting pretty introspective now that I'm back.

I've been writing poetry. Fore!

Doing a lot of cooking. Fore!

Going on hikes. Fore!

Fore! I even started trimming

bonsai trees.

So, all of these activities

are really helping me stay calm and relaxed

and really appreciate the little things in life, you know?

But you want to know the one thing

that kept me going out there?

Thinking about a burrito? Like, at your favorite spot

and like, oh, man, I can't wait to get back--

It was you.

It was you.

I just kept thinking about how you went in to that network

and fought for me.

We actually want more Steve.

The network wants to fire you.What?

And, man, I love my kids,

they're the most important thing in the world to me,

I thought about them all the time, but, but I really,

I really wanted to survive

so that your effort wasn't in vain.

You are wel-- you're welcome, Steve.

That is, uh...

that's great to hear, man.

I'm glad I got you through it.

About a dozen coyotes ransacked my camp,

I got no water supply. I'm out of food.

I'm completely dehydrated, been drinking my own urine.

But at this point I don't even think I could pee.

In fact, I know I can't--

pretty sure I pissed blood this morning.

And then I just drank that, I...

I drank my own piss blood to survive.

And to top it all off, I lost my dad's hunting knife.

My shelter is destroyed and I just don't have the energy

to do it again.

I'm so happy you survived the trip.

Yes, well, seeing as how I'm a machine,

I was never really in true danger.

I know, but you could have been lost in the woods forever,

run out of batteries, broken--

I'm just glad you're here, is all.

I know, I was just giving you a hard time.

Drone-i-- Gear-i, I know what you're

about to say and yes,

I have reciprocal feelings for you.

Did I get scared out there when I thought

I'd never see you again?

I'd be lying if I said no.

Oh, how I wish this were the future,

when machines will most likely have functioning genitalia,

so you can I could consummate our lustful urges.

For the time being, I'll just play some moaning sounds

from an erotic Dutch art film.

[porn music and moaning]

Hey, Jon.

Uh, hey, Bowen, uh, what's up?

You wanted to see me?

Oh, yeah, um... yeah, Steve, this is, uh,

this is Bowen, um...

[porn music and moaning]Cut it out, Gear-i.

Sorry, Jon. [music and moaning stop]

We hired him to be my new sidekick when...

you know, when we thought you were dead, so...

Good to meet you.Hi, you too.

Look at that. Spurt meets Spurt.

New Spurt wear old Spurt shirt.

One Spurt big, other Spurt squirt.

Big Spurt, small squirt, strong Spurt, weak Spurt.

You're like Doctor Seuss.

Did you want to talk?

Yeah, why don't we, uh, let's go get some lunch.

Okay, great. It was nice meeting you.

Um...

One Spurt stay, other Spurt eat.

I'll bring Spurt a tasty treat.

I'll bring you dessert or something.

Thanks.

Big sad Spurt gets free dessert.

[Gear-i beeps and plays porn music and moaning]

[Drone-i] I'm getting so wet!

This is bad for my circuits.Knock it off, Drone-i.

Sorry, Steve.

Oh, beauty, come on-- sit!

Bite! Sit and bite!

Now, fade it at the end,

just like when I ran the New York Marathon.

[deep voice] Ran the 'Thon!

So, I brought you here because I wanted to talk to you

about how you stepped in to become my sidekick.

Um, you really did me a huge favor,

the network totally loved you,

but now that Steve is back, you know, we really

don't have much use for you, so...

Boom.

What's this?A going away present.

Custom made "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" club cover,

check this thing out.

How sweet is this? Look at that.

Got the zipper in the back, fits right over the club,

it looks just like the megaphone.

Isn't that cool? Fore!

Bowen, look out!

There you go-- you got clubs, right?

Nope, um, why did you bring me here instead of just

firing me back at the office?

Well, Steve's back, so... can't have two sidekicks.

Fine, whatever.Great.

And also, the reason I brought you here

is because golf is the perfect metaphor for life.

For example, you, with your sidekick scenario,

think of it like you're having this amazing round,

you're playing great off the tee,

hitting everything straight,

landing in the fairways, you're locked in,

and then all of a sudden, middle of the round, boom,

you're in the water. So, it's kind of like that.

Yeah, well, thanks for the work and... whatever, no biggie.

Yeah, I'll see you around my son's camp, though, right?

Sure.Pick up or drop off?

Both.Great.

Have fun with that club cover, man.

Text me and let me know if

you get a lot of good feedback on it.

I'm sure you're gonna get a lot of people

asking where you got it.

"How do I get one?"

Yeah, I'll let you know.

Oh, bite-- come on, sit!

After letting Bowen down easy,

I took a golf break to meet up with my real Spurt

at a coffeeshop.

After he told me he was getting into poetry,

I got him this kick-ass leather journal and a sweet samurai pen.

I was there to hear his latest poem,

which was about our network executive, Daniel.

He'll taste his own fresh, penal meat until digested,

bowels moved,

then shaped as knife and frozen good

with bile, foul, offensive shiv.

His heart I'll pierce.

He'll cease to live.

So, I don't know if you caught all that,

but basically when I see Daniel at the network,

I'm gonna reach inside of his throat,

poke my fist out his dickhole,

and then I'm gonna pull his dick back into his body

and jump out of his throat, cut it off,

I'm gonna feed it to him, wait for him to shit it out,

and then I'm gonna take that and mold it into a knife,

freeze it, and then I'm gonna kill him with a knife

made out of his own shit that was made out of his own dick.

Yeah, I, uh... followed that very clearly.

Gear.

[Jon] By lying to my Spurt

and sending him to his death, only to have him survive,

I had created a killing machine.

[Daniel] We'd also like Steve to be the host.

The network wants to fire you.What?

As the days passed, I wondered what would happen

if he found out the truth?

Would my photo then be the one on those targets?

You know, Gear-i, this cannot end well.

I've gotta find a way to talk Steve out of this.

You got any suggestions? Yes, would you mind

placing me on top of Drone-i in a humping position?

Thanks a lot, Gear-i. What? I'm not the one

who lied and sent my friend to a frigid, undignified death.

Shut up, Gear-i.

Where's Amy and the kids?

They're at her mom's house for the weekend.

That's cool, get a little...

chance for us to get a little guy time in, right?

Long overdue.

What's this?Open it.

It's you.

I carved that with my dad's knife...

when I started to think that I wasn't going to make it.

Helped me survive.

I'd just look at your face, think about what you said,

how you stood up to this gigantic corporation.

Showing them and everyone that you're the kind of guy

that puts friendship above money and fame.

If you don't hear from me in a week you come in and get me.

Oh, yeah, of course, for sure.

It was the last thing I made with my dad's knife

before I lost it.

I sent Amy and the kids away

because the next time you see me,

I'm either gonna be arrested or dead.

I may just disappear.

What are you talking about, Steve?

Tomorrow, six o'clock,

right as Daniel's leaving the office.

I'll get my revenge.

[tropical dance music]

Tomorrow, six o'clock, I'll get my revenge.

Jon, why do you keep checking your phone?

Sorry.

I'm either gonna be arrested or dead.

I'm sorry, I have to go--What?

I have to go, I have to go.You can't go.

Sweetie, I have to go.

I'm so sorry, you're doing great.

Bye!

Come on, come on, come on!

[elevator dings]

[knocking]

[buzzer]

Hey, Jon.Not now!

Hey, Jon.Move!

Oh, hey, Jon.

[screaming]

Steve! Steve!Get out of here, Jon!

Steve, I lied!What?

I lied, I lied! Don't do it!

I lied! The network didn't want to fire you!

I made the whole thing up about them saying

you had to do a survival challenge!

Nice try, Jon.Steve! Please believe me!

I lied to you!

I'm sorry, it's true,

they wanted you to host the show.

They wanted me to be the sidekick.

I didn't defend you to them, okay?

But, let's also focus on the positives

to come out of this whole ordeal.

Number one, you lived.

And I think that lets me off the hook

just a little bit, right?

Not all the way off the hook, just a little.

Number two, you became this incredible poet.

Daniel, Steve wrote this poem about killing you

with this knife made out of the frozen shit

of your digested dick!

How profound is that?

And number three, number three...

I love my totem.

Steve...

I'm so sorry I lied to you, but, like

pretty much any situation in life,

this is just like golf.Jon.

We've had a pretty rough round so far.

We just hit a really bad shot.

We can't go back and play that shot again,

we can only go forward from here.

But please, tell me our friendship

can hit a sand wedge out of the bunker

and eagle this par five on the golf course of life.

[sentimental music]

Fore!

You're unbelievable.

Do you, do you think he meant unbelievable

like he was mad or unbelievable like he

literally couldn't believe that

I came up with that golf analogy, like,

in the heat of this moment, because I thought it was--

I even impressed myself.

Golf really is like life!

[Jon] I had to make it up to Steve

for lying to him and him almost dying,

so I decided to start where I always do--

by buying him some sweet gear.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [knocking]

That sounds tough too, man, and also this is very minimal,

which is very Steve.

This is a gift for a friend.

Without going into detail, I kind of sent him to his death,

and I need to get a cologne to make up for it.

What is that called?It's called Rocky Mountain Wood.

[deep voice] Rocky Mountain Wood.

Rocky Mountain Wood?

Rocky Mountain Wood.

Everything about this says Steve.

Rocky Mountain Wood.

Having nailed two gifts,

I thought I'd round things out with something really special,

so I headed back to Babeland,

the sex toy store where I got a really awesome

masturbation machine last season.

What exactly is your friend into, if you know.

I'll know it when I see it.Yeah?

So let's see what you got.

What's this thing?That is a ball bag.

A ball bag?Yep.

This feel like Kool-Aid's bad boy brother.

Oh, yeah!

This one is next level cock ringing.

That, to me, is Steve--

rugged, tough, simple, just on your dick.

Would you just do this for me?

Hold the cock ring in the middle of the heart for me?

Hope you forgive me, Steve.

[harp glissando]

All right, one pair of Steve's favorite boots.

I had assembled the perfect collection of gear

tailored to Steve... Fore!

Personalized metal wallet, fuel-free lighter,

cologne... Rocky Mountain Wood.

A book of golf analogies,

and of course, one stainless steel cock ring.

Oh, yeah!

All right.

There we go, and we are all set--

the ultimate "I'm sorry" gift package for a buddy.

Now, this is priority overnight,

arrives first thing tomorrow morning, right?

Yes.And you guys'll do all the packing, right?

Absolutely, we'll take care of it.

Tape if up real good?Yes.

Okay. Let me hear the song again.

♪ Sorry I tried to have you killed ♪

♪ Please accept these gifts and this cock... ring ♪

Perfect! All right.

Thank you... very much.

Please handle it with utmost care,

this gotta get there tomorrow.

Yeah, Gear-i, I wish I could be at Steve's

to see his face when he opened the box and saw all that stuff,

a.k.a. me sinkin' the putt.

That doesn't really seem analogous with golf.

Of course it is, that's like a perfect golf analogy,

you're crazy.

Are you Glaser?Yeah, is that for me?

Fore!Yeah.

Sweet.Just sign here.

Fore!Sounds good.

Probably got some sweet gear or something.

There you go.Thanks very much.

Thanks.Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, all right, let's see what we got here.

See ya.Oh, it's from Steve.

Hey, cool bag. Nice.

[flames rumbling] Whoa!

I don't get it, Gear-i.

Why would he burn everything I sent him

and send it back to me? It just doesn't make sense.

Gear has, has always been the solution to my problems

and I really thought I'd nailed it with Steve

and all this sweet, personalized gear.

I can't even use the cock ring if I want.

Can I have it? Maybe I can use it on Drone-i.

[sighs] Whatever.

I got an idea, Gear-i.

I think I know how to make this right.

[knocking on door]

What do you want?

I have your dad's knife.

[ticking]

Well, it certainly looks like my dad's knife.

But you know what, I wouldn't put it past you

to just figure out what brand knife it was and go out

and buy a new one and distress it.

If this truly is my dad's knife then when I flip it over,

the initials for Greg Cirbus will be carved into the handle.

[ominous music]

Yeah, but you could've easily figured out his name

and that his initials were carved into the handle,

but the end also screws off,

and there is no way you know what's inside this knife.

[ominous music]

[metal squeaking]

It's my first baby tooth.

My dad kept it in his knife.

How did you find it?

I recreated your survival challenge,

and I had Gear-i track Drone-i's flight pattern.

[softly] Really?

No.

I had a-- I had a team.

You and you, take those trails over there.

You and you, over to the lake, over there, Cold Mountain Lake,

Let's go, let's go!

We're looking for Steve's knife!

It's like finding a knife in a haystack!

Oh, I know.

Look for the needle in the haystack,

it could be next to the knife!

We had a lot of gear, actually, a lot of sweet gear too, man.

Bertie, check this out, how sweet is this light?

Now, watch this, if you hit this thing,

it turns into this little torch.

Isn't that awesome? How sweet is this thing?

That's pretty cool.This thing is like--

and it's got a hood if I need it also.

That's sweet...I think we found something

over there, Jon.Let's go! We found the knife!

Come on!

Look, Steve, there's nothing I can say, man.

I can't tell you how bad I feel, I couldn't feel worse.

You know, and I hope somehow that

finding your dad's knife will at least begin the process of...

hopefully making things right.

Steve, please tell me I sank this putt and saved par?

I'll think about it.

Just no more stupid [bleep]

golf analogies.Okay.

Jon's here today to talk about

what it's like to seek redemption and forgiveness

from a friend who he not only outright lied to,

but also basically sent him to his wintry death.

Uh, Jon, the story you've told is...

is outrageous, to say the least.

Yes, I know.

And I understand that you've written a poem

to convey your feelings toward your friend Steve.

[clears throat] All right.

Fore!My TV show is about gear.

You almost died, it gave me fear.

And so I had an ice cold beer

to take the edge off and think clear.

Just like in golf, life has its facts--

you play the shot, no going back.

Okay, uh--Forever forward is how we steer.

I think I'll have another beer.Uh, I think we got the gist.

The beer is cold, just like the woods

I sent you to without no goods.

Thank you Jon, uh...I triple bogeyed--

I appreciate it, that was a very moving poem, thank you.

I wasn't done.

There was one more line to that stanza

and then I had four more pages.

No, I, I think we're good.

All right, thank you very much.

Thank you.

You play golf?No. No.

You gotta play it, man. Honestly, just like life.

So I heard.

You know, when I hit it off a tee,

if I slice that into the woods, I don't get to, like,

let's come back up and try again.

Let's say you're out drinking and you get wasted,

you get drunk, you hit someone and they die, you go to jail.

Mm-hmm.You get, like, the shit

beat out of you by some gang...

they're sodomizing you, you can take that--

you can't go back and start over.

I guess not.Just like golf.