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Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...
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00:00:11,528 --> 00:00:12,771
Golf!
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00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:15,567
Brandon, you find my ball?
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00:00:15,601 --> 00:00:18,846
No.[Bleep]! Well, keep looking!
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00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:23,092
♪
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00:00:35,104 --> 00:00:37,140
Gear!
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00:00:39,004 --> 00:00:40,902
I've always wanted
to do a golf episode,
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00:00:40,937 --> 00:00:44,906
because there's no more perfect
metaphor for life than golf.
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00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,460
And with Steve having survived
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00:00:46,494 --> 00:00:48,979
his impossible outdoor
winter challenge,
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00:00:49,014 --> 00:00:50,705
I thought golf would be
the perfect way
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00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:53,881
to help him de-stress,
so I took him for a little R&R
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00:00:53,915 --> 00:00:58,023
to this super cool indoor golf
facility to smack some drives.
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00:01:00,508 --> 00:01:03,373
Yeah, that's lookin' nice!
15
00:01:03,408 --> 00:01:04,995
Oh, yeah!
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00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:08,482
Yeah, right down
the middle-- boom!
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00:01:08,516 --> 00:01:10,311
How sweet is this place,
man, right?
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00:01:10,346 --> 00:01:13,452
Isn't this place cool?
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00:01:13,487 --> 00:01:16,145
How sweet is this driver, man?
Check this thing out.
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00:01:16,179 --> 00:01:19,320
This thing is a beast.
Is that awesome?
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I like this matte black.
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00:01:22,151 --> 00:01:24,774
See these sweet shades?
They're better outside but--
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00:01:24,808 --> 00:01:28,985
Oh, all right!
Golf shades.
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00:01:31,056 --> 00:01:33,162
Look, Steve, the...
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00:01:33,196 --> 00:01:35,267
the show must
go on, man.
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00:01:35,302 --> 00:01:36,510
You want to tee up?
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00:01:36,544 --> 00:01:38,684
I'm still not ready.
28
00:01:38,719 --> 00:01:43,482
Yeah, totally, I...
I get it, I understand, I...
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00:01:43,517 --> 00:01:45,139
I'd feel the same way
if I were you, you know,
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00:01:45,174 --> 00:01:46,589
if the network wanted
to fire me
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00:01:46,623 --> 00:01:48,591
and basically sent me
on a death mission,
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00:01:48,625 --> 00:01:51,456
just take your time,
whenever you're ready.
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00:01:51,490 --> 00:01:54,424
You know, it's... it's kind of
like golf, actually.
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00:01:54,459 --> 00:01:55,839
Fore!
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00:01:55,874 --> 00:01:57,945
You don't want
to rush your shot.
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00:01:57,979 --> 00:02:00,982
Take your time when you're
standing over your ball.
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00:02:01,017 --> 00:02:06,816
Lock in, get focused,
and only when you are ready,
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00:02:06,850 --> 00:02:09,025
do you want to let it rip.
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00:02:10,095 --> 00:02:13,202
Oh, beauty!
Oh, come on, get left!
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00:02:13,236 --> 00:02:14,617
Hold on!
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00:02:14,651 --> 00:02:17,067
Ah, I swung too hard,
starting to hook a little bit.
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00:02:17,102 --> 00:02:21,693
I've been trying--I didn't think
I was gonna make it.
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00:02:21,727 --> 00:02:25,075
I mean, I, I'd been on week-long
survival camps before,
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00:02:25,110 --> 00:02:29,735
but never, not once did I ever
think that I was gonna die.
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00:02:31,703 --> 00:02:36,570
I've been getting pretty
introspective now that I'm back.
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00:02:36,604 --> 00:02:39,193
I've been writing poetry.
Fore!
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00:02:39,228 --> 00:02:42,092
Doing a lot of cooking.
Fore!
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00:02:42,127 --> 00:02:45,234
Going on hikes.
Fore!
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00:02:45,268 --> 00:02:47,201
Fore!
I even started trimming
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00:02:47,236 --> 00:02:50,204
bonsai trees.
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00:02:50,239 --> 00:02:51,481
So, all of these
activities
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00:02:51,516 --> 00:02:53,587
are really helping me
stay calm and relaxed
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00:02:53,621 --> 00:02:58,039
and really appreciate the little
things in life, you know?
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00:02:58,074 --> 00:03:00,352
But you want to know
the one thing
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00:03:00,387 --> 00:03:04,045
that kept me
going out there?
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00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,047
Thinking about a burrito?
Like, at your favorite spot
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00:03:06,082 --> 00:03:07,877
and like, oh, man,
I can't wait to get back--
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00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:09,913
It was you.
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00:03:12,606 --> 00:03:15,402
It was you.
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00:03:15,436 --> 00:03:18,128
I just kept thinking about
how you went in to that network
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00:03:18,163 --> 00:03:19,268
and fought for me.
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00:03:19,302 --> 00:03:22,685
We actually want more Steve.
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00:03:22,719 --> 00:03:26,240
The network wants to fire you.What?
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00:03:26,275 --> 00:03:27,793
And, man, I love my kids,
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00:03:27,828 --> 00:03:29,968
they're the most important
thing in the world to me,
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00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:34,593
I thought about them all
the time, but, but I really,
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00:03:34,628 --> 00:03:38,597
I really wanted to survive
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00:03:38,632 --> 00:03:43,568
so that your effort
wasn't in vain.
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00:03:43,602 --> 00:03:45,742
You are wel--
you're welcome, Steve.
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00:03:45,777 --> 00:03:47,951
That is, uh...
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00:03:47,986 --> 00:03:50,920
that's great
to hear, man.
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00:03:50,954 --> 00:03:52,853
I'm glad I got you
through it.
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00:03:55,096 --> 00:03:58,065
About a dozen coyotes
ransacked my camp,
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00:03:58,099 --> 00:04:02,932
I got no water supply.
I'm out of food.
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00:04:02,966 --> 00:04:08,489
I'm completely dehydrated,
been drinking my own urine.
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00:04:08,524 --> 00:04:11,112
But at this point I don't
even think I could pee.
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00:04:11,147 --> 00:04:13,183
In fact, I know I can't--
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00:04:13,218 --> 00:04:16,497
pretty sure I pissed
blood this morning.
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00:04:16,532 --> 00:04:19,811
And then I just
drank that, I...
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00:04:19,845 --> 00:04:23,953
I drank my own
piss blood to survive.
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00:04:23,987 --> 00:04:29,165
And to top it all off,
I lost my dad's hunting knife.
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00:04:29,199 --> 00:04:31,478
My shelter is destroyed and
I just don't have the energy
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00:04:31,512 --> 00:04:32,824
to do it again.
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00:04:32,858 --> 00:04:34,860
I'm so happy you
survived the trip.
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00:04:34,895 --> 00:04:37,311
Yes, well, seeing
as how I'm a machine,
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00:04:37,346 --> 00:04:39,279
I was never really
in true danger.
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00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:42,316
I know, but you could have been lost in the woods forever,
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00:04:42,351 --> 00:04:44,939
run out of batteries,
broken--
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00:04:44,974 --> 00:04:46,527
I'm just glad
you're here, is all.
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00:04:46,562 --> 00:04:49,219
I know, I was just
giving you a hard time.
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00:04:49,254 --> 00:04:50,807
Drone-i-- Gear-i, I know what you're
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00:04:50,842 --> 00:04:52,222
about to say and yes,
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00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:55,295
I have reciprocal
feelings for you.
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00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:56,779
Did I get scared out there
when I thought
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00:04:56,813 --> 00:04:58,850
I'd never see you again?
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00:04:58,884 --> 00:05:00,438
I'd be lying
if I said no.
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00:05:00,472 --> 00:05:02,336
Oh, how I wish
this were the future,
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00:05:02,371 --> 00:05:04,994
when machines will most likely
have functioning genitalia,
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00:05:05,028 --> 00:05:07,376
so you can I could
consummate our lustful urges.
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00:05:07,410 --> 00:05:09,895
For the time being, I'll just
play some moaning sounds
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00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:12,484
from an erotic
Dutch art film.
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00:05:12,519 --> 00:05:13,968
[porn music and moaning]
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00:05:14,003 --> 00:05:16,454
Hey, Jon.
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00:05:16,488 --> 00:05:19,353
Uh, hey, Bowen,
uh, what's up?
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00:05:19,388 --> 00:05:21,390
You wanted to see me?
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00:05:21,424 --> 00:05:25,186
Oh, yeah, um...
yeah, Steve, this is, uh,
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00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:27,257
this is Bowen, um...
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00:05:27,292 --> 00:05:28,983
[porn music and moaning]Cut it out, Gear-i.
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00:05:29,018 --> 00:05:30,847
Sorry, Jon.
[music and moaning stop]
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00:05:30,882 --> 00:05:34,264
We hired him to be
my new sidekick when...
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00:05:34,299 --> 00:05:38,648
you know, when we thought
you were dead, so...
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00:05:38,683 --> 00:05:41,064
Good to meet you.Hi, you too.
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00:05:41,099 --> 00:05:44,896
Look at that.
Spurt meets Spurt.
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00:05:44,930 --> 00:05:48,106
New Spurt wear
old Spurt shirt.
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00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:50,764
One Spurt big,
other Spurt squirt.
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00:05:50,798 --> 00:05:54,561
Big Spurt, small squirt,
strong Spurt, weak Spurt.
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00:05:54,595 --> 00:05:56,252
You're like Doctor Seuss.
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00:05:56,286 --> 00:05:58,012
Did you want to talk?
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00:05:58,047 --> 00:06:00,498
Yeah, why don't we, uh,
let's go get some lunch.
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00:06:00,532 --> 00:06:03,708
Okay, great.
It was nice meeting you.
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00:06:03,742 --> 00:06:05,606
Um...
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00:06:09,886 --> 00:06:12,855
One Spurt stay,
other Spurt eat.
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00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:16,065
I'll bring Spurt
a tasty treat.
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00:06:16,099 --> 00:06:17,894
I'll bring you
dessert or something.
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00:06:17,929 --> 00:06:19,068
Thanks.
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00:06:19,102 --> 00:06:20,552
Big sad Spurt gets
free dessert.
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00:06:20,587 --> 00:06:24,142
[Gear-i beeps and plays
porn music and moaning]
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00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:26,144
[Drone-i]
I'm getting so wet!
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00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,629
This is bad for my circuits.Knock it off, Drone-i.
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00:06:28,664 --> 00:06:29,906
Sorry, Steve.
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00:06:32,012 --> 00:06:34,324
Oh, beauty,
come on-- sit!
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00:06:34,359 --> 00:06:36,568
Bite! Sit and bite!
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00:06:36,603 --> 00:06:38,432
Now, fade it at the end,
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00:06:38,467 --> 00:06:40,330
just like when I ran
the New York Marathon.
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00:06:40,365 --> 00:06:41,918
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
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00:06:41,953 --> 00:06:44,645
So, I brought you here because
I wanted to talk to you
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00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:48,131
about how you stepped in
to become my sidekick.
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00:06:48,166 --> 00:06:50,893
Um, you really
did me a huge favor,
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00:06:50,927 --> 00:06:53,413
the network totally
loved you,
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00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:56,346
but now that Steve is back,
you know, we really
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00:06:56,381 --> 00:07:00,834
don't have much use
for you, so...
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00:07:00,868 --> 00:07:02,249
Boom.
143
00:07:02,283 --> 00:07:06,115
What's this?A going away present.
144
00:07:06,149 --> 00:07:09,774
Custom made "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" club cover,
145
00:07:09,808 --> 00:07:11,189
check this thing out.
146
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,018
How sweet is this?
Look at that.
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00:07:13,053 --> 00:07:16,505
Got the zipper in the back,
fits right over the club,
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00:07:16,539 --> 00:07:18,368
it looks just like
the megaphone.
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00:07:18,403 --> 00:07:22,200
Isn't that cool?
Fore!
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00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:24,823
Bowen, look out!
151
00:07:24,858 --> 00:07:26,273
There you go--
you got clubs, right?
152
00:07:26,307 --> 00:07:29,621
Nope, um, why did you
bring me here instead of just
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00:07:29,656 --> 00:07:31,451
firing me back at
the office?
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00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:35,627
Well, Steve's back, so...
can't have two sidekicks.
155
00:07:35,662 --> 00:07:37,215
Fine, whatever.Great.
156
00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:38,837
And also, the reason
I brought you here
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00:07:38,872 --> 00:07:43,704
is because golf is
the perfect metaphor for life.
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00:07:43,739 --> 00:07:46,051
For example, you,
with your sidekick scenario,
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00:07:46,086 --> 00:07:49,020
think of it like you're
having this amazing round,
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00:07:49,054 --> 00:07:50,504
you're playing great
off the tee,
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00:07:50,539 --> 00:07:52,161
hitting everything straight,
162
00:07:52,195 --> 00:07:54,991
landing in the fairways,
you're locked in,
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00:07:55,026 --> 00:07:56,717
and then all of a sudden,
middle of the round, boom,
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00:07:56,752 --> 00:07:59,237
you're in the water.
So, it's kind of like that.
165
00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:05,346
Yeah, well, thanks for the work
and... whatever, no biggie.
166
00:08:05,381 --> 00:08:07,521
Yeah, I'll see you around
my son's camp, though, right?
167
00:08:07,556 --> 00:08:09,074
Sure.Pick up or drop off?
168
00:08:09,109 --> 00:08:10,800
Both.Great.
169
00:08:10,835 --> 00:08:12,422
Have fun with
that club cover, man.
170
00:08:12,457 --> 00:08:13,562
Text me and let me know if
171
00:08:13,596 --> 00:08:14,977
you get a lot of
good feedback on it.
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00:08:15,011 --> 00:08:16,737
I'm sure you're gonna get
a lot of people
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00:08:16,772 --> 00:08:18,739
asking where you got it.
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00:08:18,774 --> 00:08:19,740
"How do I get one?"
175
00:08:19,775 --> 00:08:21,570
Yeah, I'll let you know.
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00:08:21,604 --> 00:08:23,399
Oh, bite--
come on, sit!
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00:08:24,849 --> 00:08:26,540
After letting Bowen down easy,
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00:08:26,575 --> 00:08:28,715
I took a golf break to meet up
with my real Spurt
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00:08:28,749 --> 00:08:30,440
at a coffeeshop.
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00:08:30,475 --> 00:08:32,408
After he told me he was
getting into poetry,
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00:08:32,442 --> 00:08:37,102
I got him this kick-ass leather
journal and a sweet samurai pen.
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00:08:37,137 --> 00:08:39,104
I was there to hear
his latest poem,
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00:08:39,139 --> 00:08:41,935
which was about our
network executive, Daniel.
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00:08:41,969 --> 00:08:47,872
He'll taste his own fresh,
penal meat until digested,
185
00:08:47,906 --> 00:08:49,736
bowels moved,
186
00:08:49,770 --> 00:08:54,603
then shaped as knife
and frozen good
187
00:08:54,637 --> 00:09:00,401
with bile, foul,
offensive shiv.
188
00:09:00,436 --> 00:09:04,060
His heart I'll pierce.
189
00:09:04,095 --> 00:09:08,099
He'll cease to live.
190
00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:09,307
So, I don't know
if you caught all that,
191
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:13,242
but basically when I see
Daniel at the network,
192
00:09:13,276 --> 00:09:15,969
I'm gonna reach
inside of his throat,
193
00:09:16,003 --> 00:09:17,971
poke my fist out
his dickhole,
194
00:09:18,005 --> 00:09:20,318
and then I'm gonna pull
his dick back into his body
195
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:22,700
and jump out of his throat,
cut it off,
196
00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:26,566
I'm gonna feed it to him,
wait for him to shit it out,
197
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,638
and then I'm gonna take that
and mold it into a knife,
198
00:09:29,672 --> 00:09:33,331
freeze it, and then I'm
gonna kill him with a knife
199
00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:39,268
made out of his own shit that
was made out of his own dick.
200
00:09:39,302 --> 00:09:44,031
Yeah, I, uh...
followed that very clearly.
201
00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:50,175
Gear.
202
00:09:56,285 --> 00:09:57,631
[Jon]
By lying to my Spurt
203
00:09:57,666 --> 00:10:00,116
and sending him to his death,
only to have him survive,
204
00:10:00,151 --> 00:10:03,085
I had created
a killing machine.
205
00:10:03,119 --> 00:10:05,363
[Daniel]
We'd also like Steve
to be the host.
206
00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,434
The network wants to fire you.What?
207
00:10:07,468 --> 00:10:09,954
As the days passed,
I wondered what would happen
208
00:10:09,988 --> 00:10:12,646
if he found out the truth?
209
00:10:12,681 --> 00:10:17,202
Would my photo then be
the one on those targets?
210
00:10:17,237 --> 00:10:19,826
You know, Gear-i,
this cannot end well.
211
00:10:19,860 --> 00:10:22,932
I've gotta find a way to talk
Steve out of this.
212
00:10:22,967 --> 00:10:24,969
You got any suggestions? Yes, would you mind
213
00:10:25,003 --> 00:10:28,628
placing me on top of Drone-i
in a humping position?
214
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:31,113
Thanks a lot, Gear-i. What? I'm not the one
215
00:10:31,147 --> 00:10:35,462
who lied and sent my friend to a frigid, undignified death.
216
00:10:35,496 --> 00:10:36,912
Shut up, Gear-i.
217
00:10:41,986 --> 00:10:44,851
Where's Amy and the kids?
218
00:10:44,885 --> 00:10:48,475
They're at her mom's house
for the weekend.
219
00:10:48,509 --> 00:10:50,684
That's cool, get a little...
220
00:10:50,719 --> 00:10:53,514
chance for us to get
a little guy time in, right?
221
00:10:53,549 --> 00:10:55,171
Long overdue.
222
00:10:56,897 --> 00:10:59,520
What's this?Open it.
223
00:11:03,352 --> 00:11:05,872
It's you.
224
00:11:05,906 --> 00:11:08,702
I carved that with
my dad's knife...
225
00:11:08,737 --> 00:11:13,327
when I started to think that
I wasn't going to make it.
226
00:11:13,362 --> 00:11:16,503
Helped me survive.
227
00:11:16,537 --> 00:11:20,507
I'd just look at your face,
think about what you said,
228
00:11:20,541 --> 00:11:24,994
how you stood up to
this gigantic corporation.
229
00:11:25,029 --> 00:11:28,204
Showing them and everyone that
you're the kind of guy
230
00:11:28,239 --> 00:11:31,449
that puts friendship
above money and fame.
231
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,865
If you don't hear from me in
a week you come in and get me.
232
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:37,627
Oh, yeah, of course,
for sure.
233
00:11:37,662 --> 00:11:39,733
It was the last thing
I made with my dad's knife
234
00:11:39,768 --> 00:11:41,424
before I lost it.
235
00:11:43,875 --> 00:11:46,636
I sent Amy
and the kids away
236
00:11:46,671 --> 00:11:48,742
because the next time
you see me,
237
00:11:48,777 --> 00:11:51,918
I'm either gonna be
arrested or dead.
238
00:11:51,952 --> 00:11:54,852
I may just disappear.
239
00:11:54,886 --> 00:11:56,025
What are you talking
about, Steve?
240
00:11:56,060 --> 00:11:59,097
Tomorrow, six o'clock,
241
00:11:59,132 --> 00:12:03,550
right as Daniel's
leaving the office.
242
00:12:03,584 --> 00:12:05,414
I'll get my revenge.
243
00:12:12,076 --> 00:12:13,836
[tropical dance music]
244
00:12:21,810 --> 00:12:25,399
Tomorrow, six o'clock,
I'll get my revenge.
245
00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:27,574
Jon, why do you keep
checking your phone?
246
00:12:27,608 --> 00:12:29,369
Sorry.
247
00:12:37,032 --> 00:12:39,068
I'm either gonna be
arrested or dead.
248
00:12:39,103 --> 00:12:40,311
I'm sorry, I have to go--What?
249
00:12:40,345 --> 00:12:41,450
I have to go, I have to go.You can't go.
250
00:12:41,484 --> 00:12:42,589
Sweetie, I have to go.
251
00:12:42,623 --> 00:12:44,418
I'm so sorry,
you're doing great.
252
00:12:44,453 --> 00:12:46,179
Bye!
253
00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,187
Come on, come on, come on!
254
00:12:54,221 --> 00:12:55,809
[elevator dings]
255
00:12:57,707 --> 00:12:59,261
[knocking]
256
00:12:59,295 --> 00:13:00,780
[buzzer]
257
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:02,126
Hey, Jon.Not now!
258
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,784
Hey, Jon.Move!
259
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,924
Oh, hey, Jon.
260
00:13:06,958 --> 00:13:07,994
[screaming]
261
00:13:08,028 --> 00:13:09,927
Steve! Steve!Get out of here, Jon!
262
00:13:09,961 --> 00:13:11,618
Steve, I lied!What?
263
00:13:11,652 --> 00:13:13,793
I lied, I lied!
Don't do it!
264
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:16,657
I lied! The network
didn't want to fire you!
265
00:13:16,692 --> 00:13:18,728
I made the whole thing up
about them saying
266
00:13:18,763 --> 00:13:20,730
you had to do
a survival challenge!
267
00:13:20,765 --> 00:13:23,837
Nice try, Jon.Steve! Please believe me!
268
00:13:23,872 --> 00:13:25,701
I lied to you!
269
00:13:25,735 --> 00:13:27,807
I'm sorry, it's true,
270
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,878
they wanted you
to host the show.
271
00:13:29,912 --> 00:13:32,984
They wanted me
to be the sidekick.
272
00:13:33,019 --> 00:13:36,229
I didn't defend you
to them, okay?
273
00:13:36,263 --> 00:13:39,404
But, let's also focus
on the positives
274
00:13:39,439 --> 00:13:41,303
to come out of
this whole ordeal.
275
00:13:41,337 --> 00:13:44,754
Number one, you lived.
276
00:13:44,789 --> 00:13:46,549
And I think that
lets me off the hook
277
00:13:46,584 --> 00:13:48,310
just a little bit, right?
278
00:13:48,344 --> 00:13:50,726
Not all the way
off the hook, just a little.
279
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:56,732
Number two, you became
this incredible poet.
280
00:13:56,766 --> 00:13:59,424
Daniel, Steve wrote
this poem about killing you
281
00:13:59,459 --> 00:14:02,876
with this knife made out of
the frozen shit
282
00:14:02,911 --> 00:14:06,155
of your digested dick!
283
00:14:06,190 --> 00:14:08,537
How profound is that?
284
00:14:08,571 --> 00:14:11,851
And number three,
number three...
285
00:14:14,267 --> 00:14:16,925
I love my totem.
286
00:14:16,959 --> 00:14:19,513
Steve...
287
00:14:19,548 --> 00:14:23,414
I'm so sorry
I lied to you, but, like
288
00:14:23,448 --> 00:14:27,211
pretty much any
situation in life,
289
00:14:27,245 --> 00:14:29,869
this is just like golf.Jon.
290
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,733
We've had a pretty
rough round so far.
291
00:14:32,768 --> 00:14:35,529
We just hit a really
bad shot.
292
00:14:35,564 --> 00:14:38,256
We can't go back
and play that shot again,
293
00:14:38,291 --> 00:14:41,811
we can only go forward
from here.
294
00:14:41,846 --> 00:14:45,885
But please,
tell me our friendship
295
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:47,921
can hit a sand wedge
out of the bunker
296
00:14:47,956 --> 00:14:53,030
and eagle this par five
on the golf course of life.
297
00:14:53,064 --> 00:14:55,653
[sentimental music]
298
00:14:59,968 --> 00:15:01,141
Fore!
299
00:15:01,176 --> 00:15:03,074
You're unbelievable.
300
00:15:11,082 --> 00:15:13,429
Do you, do you think
he meant unbelievable
301
00:15:13,464 --> 00:15:16,812
like he was mad
or unbelievable like he
302
00:15:16,846 --> 00:15:18,227
literally couldn't
believe that
303
00:15:18,262 --> 00:15:20,057
I came up with that
golf analogy, like,
304
00:15:20,091 --> 00:15:22,438
in the heat of this moment,
because I thought it was--
305
00:15:22,473 --> 00:15:25,269
I even impressed myself.
306
00:15:25,303 --> 00:15:27,788
Golf really is
like life!
307
00:15:30,308 --> 00:15:31,585
[Jon]
I had to make it up to Steve
308
00:15:31,620 --> 00:15:33,933
for lying to him
and him almost dying,
309
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,418
so I decided to start
where I always do--
310
00:15:36,452 --> 00:15:38,489
by buying him
some sweet gear.
311
00:15:38,523 --> 00:15:40,146
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[knocking]
312
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:43,701
That sounds tough too, man,
and also this is very minimal,
313
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,254
which is very Steve.
314
00:15:45,289 --> 00:15:46,807
This is a gift for a friend.
315
00:15:46,842 --> 00:15:51,364
Without going into detail,
I kind of sent him to his death,
316
00:15:51,398 --> 00:15:54,677
and I need to get a cologne
to make up for it.
317
00:15:54,712 --> 00:15:57,508
What is that called?It's called Rocky Mountain Wood.
318
00:15:57,542 --> 00:15:59,199
[deep voice]
Rocky Mountain Wood.
319
00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:00,373
Rocky Mountain Wood?
320
00:16:00,407 --> 00:16:02,030
Rocky Mountain Wood.
321
00:16:02,064 --> 00:16:03,997
Everything about this
says Steve.
322
00:16:04,032 --> 00:16:05,826
Rocky Mountain Wood.
323
00:16:05,861 --> 00:16:07,345
Having nailed two gifts,
324
00:16:07,380 --> 00:16:10,624
I thought I'd round things out
with something really special,
325
00:16:10,659 --> 00:16:12,488
so I headed back to Babeland,
326
00:16:12,523 --> 00:16:14,801
the sex toy store where
I got a really awesome
327
00:16:14,835 --> 00:16:18,529
masturbation machine
last season.
328
00:16:18,563 --> 00:16:21,808
What exactly is your
friend into, if you know.
329
00:16:21,842 --> 00:16:23,189
I'll know it when I see it.Yeah?
330
00:16:23,223 --> 00:16:24,535
So let's see what you got.
331
00:16:24,569 --> 00:16:26,813
What's this thing?That is a ball bag.
332
00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:28,021
A ball bag?Yep.
333
00:16:28,056 --> 00:16:32,060
This feel like Kool-Aid's
bad boy brother.
334
00:16:32,094 --> 00:16:33,751
Oh, yeah!
335
00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:36,926
This one is next level
cock ringing.
336
00:16:36,961 --> 00:16:38,480
That, to me, is Steve--
337
00:16:38,514 --> 00:16:41,828
rugged, tough, simple,
just on your dick.
338
00:16:41,862 --> 00:16:43,071
Would you just
do this for me?
339
00:16:43,105 --> 00:16:47,765
Hold the cock ring in the middle
of the heart for me?
340
00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,180
Hope you forgive me, Steve.
341
00:16:49,215 --> 00:16:51,217
[harp glissando]
342
00:16:52,701 --> 00:16:57,844
All right, one pair of
Steve's favorite boots.
343
00:16:57,878 --> 00:16:59,604
I had assembled the perfect
collection of gear
344
00:16:59,639 --> 00:17:01,434
tailored to Steve...
Fore!
345
00:17:01,468 --> 00:17:04,713
Personalized metal wallet,
fuel-free lighter,
346
00:17:04,747 --> 00:17:06,680
cologne...
Rocky Mountain Wood.
347
00:17:06,715 --> 00:17:08,751
A book of golf analogies,
348
00:17:08,786 --> 00:17:11,513
and of course, one stainless
steel cock ring.
349
00:17:11,547 --> 00:17:13,170
Oh, yeah!
350
00:17:13,204 --> 00:17:14,792
All right.
351
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,345
There we go,
and we are all set--
352
00:17:16,380 --> 00:17:19,590
the ultimate "I'm sorry"
gift package for a buddy.
353
00:17:19,624 --> 00:17:21,040
Now, this is priority
overnight,
354
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:22,731
arrives first thing tomorrow
morning, right?
355
00:17:22,765 --> 00:17:24,181
Yes.And you guys'll do
all the packing, right?
356
00:17:24,215 --> 00:17:25,216
Absolutely,
we'll take care of it.
357
00:17:25,251 --> 00:17:26,355
Tape if up real good?Yes.
358
00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:28,219
Okay. Let me hear
the song again.
359
00:17:28,254 --> 00:17:31,291
♪ Sorry I tried to
have you killed ♪
360
00:17:31,326 --> 00:17:35,399
♪ Please accept these gifts
and this cock... ring ♪
361
00:17:35,433 --> 00:17:37,918
Perfect!
All right.
362
00:17:37,953 --> 00:17:41,370
Thank you... very much.
363
00:17:41,405 --> 00:17:42,647
Please handle it
with utmost care,
364
00:17:42,682 --> 00:17:44,063
this gotta get
there tomorrow.
365
00:17:46,134 --> 00:17:47,618
Yeah, Gear-i,
I wish I could be at Steve's
366
00:17:47,652 --> 00:17:50,207
to see his face when he opened
the box and saw all that stuff,
367
00:17:50,241 --> 00:17:53,831
a.k.a. me sinkin' the putt.
368
00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:56,316
That doesn't really
seem analogous with golf.
369
00:17:56,351 --> 00:17:58,146
Of course it is, that's like
a perfect golf analogy,
370
00:17:58,180 --> 00:17:59,595
you're crazy.
371
00:17:59,630 --> 00:18:02,115
Are you Glaser?Yeah, is that for me?
372
00:18:02,150 --> 00:18:03,668
Fore!Yeah.
373
00:18:03,703 --> 00:18:06,292
Sweet.Just sign here.
374
00:18:06,326 --> 00:18:08,949
Fore!Sounds good.
375
00:18:08,984 --> 00:18:11,780
Probably got some
sweet gear or something.
376
00:18:11,814 --> 00:18:13,092
There you go.Thanks very much.
377
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,852
Thanks.Yeah, thank you.
378
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,923
Yeah, all right,
let's see what we got here.
379
00:18:16,957 --> 00:18:18,787
See ya.Oh, it's from Steve.
380
00:18:18,821 --> 00:18:20,996
Hey, cool bag. Nice.
381
00:18:25,311 --> 00:18:27,278
[flames rumbling]
Whoa!
382
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:33,664
I don't get it, Gear-i.
383
00:18:33,698 --> 00:18:35,528
Why would he burn
everything I sent him
384
00:18:35,562 --> 00:18:39,463
and send it back to me?
It just doesn't make sense.
385
00:18:39,497 --> 00:18:42,051
Gear has, has always been
the solution to my problems
386
00:18:42,086 --> 00:18:44,053
and I really thought
I'd nailed it with Steve
387
00:18:44,088 --> 00:18:46,642
and all this sweet,
personalized gear.
388
00:18:48,368 --> 00:18:50,819
I can't even use
the cock ring if I want.
389
00:18:50,853 --> 00:18:53,304
Can I have it?
Maybe I can use it on Drone-i.
390
00:18:53,339 --> 00:18:55,824
[sighs]
Whatever.
391
00:19:12,496 --> 00:19:16,189
I got an idea, Gear-i.
392
00:19:16,224 --> 00:19:17,915
I think I know how
to make this right.
393
00:19:24,439 --> 00:19:25,612
[knocking on door]
394
00:19:31,342 --> 00:19:33,241
What do you want?
395
00:19:38,349 --> 00:19:40,179
I have your dad's knife.
396
00:19:44,113 --> 00:19:46,185
[ticking]
397
00:19:49,878 --> 00:19:53,192
Well, it certainly
looks like my dad's knife.
398
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:55,124
But you know what,
I wouldn't put it past you
399
00:19:55,159 --> 00:19:58,438
to just figure out what brand
knife it was and go out
400
00:19:58,473 --> 00:20:00,889
and buy a new one
and distress it.
401
00:20:00,923 --> 00:20:04,064
If this truly is my dad's knife
then when I flip it over,
402
00:20:04,099 --> 00:20:08,241
the initials for Greg Cirbus
will be carved into the handle.
403
00:20:08,276 --> 00:20:11,210
[ominous music]
404
00:20:21,081 --> 00:20:22,980
Yeah, but you could've
easily figured out his name
405
00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:25,638
and that his initials were
carved into the handle,
406
00:20:25,672 --> 00:20:28,744
but the end also screws off,
407
00:20:28,779 --> 00:20:31,575
and there is no way you know
what's inside this knife.
408
00:20:31,609 --> 00:20:34,405
[ominous music]
409
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,028
[metal squeaking]
410
00:21:04,677 --> 00:21:07,300
It's my first baby tooth.
411
00:21:07,335 --> 00:21:09,647
My dad kept it
in his knife.
412
00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:13,858
How did you find it?
413
00:21:19,347 --> 00:21:22,453
I recreated your
survival challenge,
414
00:21:22,488 --> 00:21:25,007
and I had Gear-i track
Drone-i's flight pattern.
415
00:21:25,042 --> 00:21:28,217
[softly]
Really?
416
00:21:28,252 --> 00:21:30,875
No.
417
00:21:30,910 --> 00:21:33,050
I had a-- I had a team.
418
00:21:33,084 --> 00:21:35,535
You and you, take those
trails over there.
419
00:21:35,570 --> 00:21:38,331
You and you, over to the lake,
over there, Cold Mountain Lake,
420
00:21:38,366 --> 00:21:39,988
Let's go, let's go!
421
00:21:40,022 --> 00:21:41,955
We're looking for
Steve's knife!
422
00:21:41,990 --> 00:21:43,681
It's like finding
a knife in a haystack!
423
00:21:43,716 --> 00:21:44,993
Oh, I know.
424
00:21:45,027 --> 00:21:46,305
Look for the needle
in the haystack,
425
00:21:46,339 --> 00:21:48,341
it could be next to
the knife!
426
00:21:48,376 --> 00:21:51,344
We had a lot of gear, actually,
a lot of sweet gear too, man.
427
00:21:51,379 --> 00:21:53,346
Bertie, check this out,
how sweet is this light?
428
00:21:53,381 --> 00:21:54,658
Now, watch this,
if you hit this thing,
429
00:21:54,692 --> 00:21:56,315
it turns into this
little torch.
430
00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:58,317
Isn't that awesome?
How sweet is this thing?
431
00:21:58,351 --> 00:21:59,732
That's pretty cool.This thing is like--
432
00:21:59,766 --> 00:22:01,906
and it's got a hood
if I need it also.
433
00:22:01,941 --> 00:22:03,391
That's sweet...I think we found something
434
00:22:03,425 --> 00:22:05,185
over there, Jon.Let's go! We found the knife!
435
00:22:05,220 --> 00:22:07,395
Come on!
436
00:22:08,775 --> 00:22:11,364
Look, Steve, there's nothing
I can say, man.
437
00:22:11,399 --> 00:22:16,024
I can't tell you how bad I feel,
I couldn't feel worse.
438
00:22:16,058 --> 00:22:17,577
You know,
and I hope somehow that
439
00:22:17,612 --> 00:22:24,032
finding your dad's knife will
at least begin the process of...
440
00:22:24,066 --> 00:22:26,655
hopefully making things right.
441
00:22:29,693 --> 00:22:34,698
Steve, please tell me
I sank this putt and saved par?
442
00:22:41,429 --> 00:22:43,707
I'll think about it.
443
00:22:43,741 --> 00:22:45,191
Just no more stupid [bleep]
444
00:22:45,225 --> 00:22:47,400
golf analogies.Okay.
445
00:22:50,299 --> 00:22:52,301
Jon's here today
to talk about
446
00:22:52,336 --> 00:22:56,444
what it's like to seek
redemption and forgiveness
447
00:22:56,478 --> 00:23:02,104
from a friend who he
not only outright lied to,
448
00:23:02,139 --> 00:23:06,730
but also basically
sent him to his wintry death.
449
00:23:06,764 --> 00:23:09,871
Uh, Jon, the story
you've told is...
450
00:23:09,905 --> 00:23:12,114
is outrageous,
to say the least.
451
00:23:12,149 --> 00:23:13,392
Yes, I know.
452
00:23:13,426 --> 00:23:16,291
And I understand that
you've written a poem
453
00:23:16,325 --> 00:23:19,915
to convey your feelings
toward your friend Steve.
454
00:23:19,950 --> 00:23:22,953
[clears throat]
All right.
455
00:23:22,987 --> 00:23:27,336
Fore!My TV show is about gear.
456
00:23:27,371 --> 00:23:31,168
You almost died,
it gave me fear.
457
00:23:31,202 --> 00:23:34,309
And so I had
an ice cold beer
458
00:23:34,343 --> 00:23:37,933
to take the edge off
and think clear.
459
00:23:37,968 --> 00:23:41,627
Just like in golf,
life has its facts--
460
00:23:41,661 --> 00:23:44,457
you play the shot,
no going back.
461
00:23:44,492 --> 00:23:48,668
Okay, uh--Forever forward is how we steer.
462
00:23:48,703 --> 00:23:52,016
I think I'll have another beer.Uh, I think we got the gist.
463
00:23:52,051 --> 00:23:56,089
The beer is cold,
just like the woods
464
00:23:56,124 --> 00:23:59,299
I sent you to
without no goods.
465
00:23:59,334 --> 00:24:01,094
Thank you Jon, uh...I triple bogeyed--
466
00:24:01,129 --> 00:24:04,788
I appreciate it, that was a very
moving poem, thank you.
467
00:24:04,822 --> 00:24:06,168
I wasn't done.
468
00:24:06,203 --> 00:24:07,653
There was one more line
to that stanza
469
00:24:07,687 --> 00:24:08,930
and then I had
four more pages.
470
00:24:08,964 --> 00:24:10,379
No, I, I think we're good.
471
00:24:10,414 --> 00:24:11,519
All right,
thank you very much.
472
00:24:11,553 --> 00:24:13,348
Thank you.
473
00:24:13,382 --> 00:24:15,626
You play golf?No. No.
474
00:24:15,661 --> 00:24:18,008
You gotta play it, man.
Honestly, just like life.
475
00:24:18,042 --> 00:24:19,043
So I heard.
476
00:24:19,078 --> 00:24:20,493
You know, when I hit it
off a tee,
477
00:24:20,528 --> 00:24:22,668
if I slice that into the woods,
I don't get to, like,
478
00:24:22,702 --> 00:24:24,463
let's come back up
and try again.
479
00:24:24,497 --> 00:24:26,326
Let's say you're out drinking
and you get wasted,
480
00:24:26,361 --> 00:24:29,364
you get drunk, you hit someone
and they die, you go to jail.
481
00:24:29,398 --> 00:24:31,193
Mm-hmm.You get, like, the shit
482
00:24:31,228 --> 00:24:33,644
beat out of you
by some gang...
483
00:24:33,679 --> 00:24:35,128
they're sodomizing you,
you can take that--
484
00:24:35,163 --> 00:24:36,371
you can't go back
and start over.
485
00:24:36,405 --> 00:24:37,545
I guess not.Just like golf.
36179
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