Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

♪

Football!

[vuvuzelas blaring]

It's good!

♪

Gear!

In the Jewish religion,

the bar mitzvah is a time-honored ritual,

where at age 13 a boy becomes a man.

Hut-hut, hike.

My son's bar mitzvah comes early,

because at 11 years old,

he's finally old enough to play tackle football.

Six.

And in the religion known as "America,"

that'swhen you become a man.

[loud clap]

And there's no better way to prepare for manhood

than by gettin' some gear.

Devin, thanks for helping us out today.

My pleasure. This is my son.

This is my Spurt.How you doing, man?

We're outfitting my son today for tackle football.

Mm-hmm.This is, like, his big

transition to manhood.

[deep voice] Manhood.

You ready to become a man today?

Yeah.Let's do it!

Manhood gear list-- helmet.

Yeah, protect the noggin'.

Oh, sweet. [knocking]

Shoulder pads.

If you're a wide receiver

you're gonna have a little bit of a slimmer padding

so you don't lose any of that mobility and speed.

Unh! Yeah! Football!

Athletic cup.

Bio-Flex cup.

Is that for, like, robot dicks?

'Cause that's the future of football, right,

is robots playing football.

You know what, it should be robots with human dicks.

They have pain sensors for the dick, right?

Yeah!

Catching gloves.

[Jon] Oh, those are awesome.

You gotta get a pair for dad.[whistle blows]

Battle.

Quesadilla, quesadilla, check it!

Check it, nacho, nacho, guac, guac!

Yeah, nice! Terrible defense.

[loud clap]

Mouthguard.

We got the regular Gel Max, standard mouthguard.

And then we also have the Shock Doctor Gel Max Flavor Fusion,

so these ones actually come flavored.

Ugh! I mean, unless you're gonna tell me they got one

that tastes like a burrito, that'd be cool.

Cleats.

You want to get some cleats, right?

I have my soccer cleats.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Are you not my son? You can't just do, like,

whatever cleats for whatever sport.

Soccer cleats are different from football, like,

they got a different cleat pattern.

I mean, a lot of these cleats are nice-- I feel...

Whoa.

[hard rock music]

Oh, yeah.

These are sweet.

Mazel tov! List complete.

All right.

Ready to get out there?Mm-hmm.

Now, just remember, you're a natural Jewish athlete,

just like your father, all right?

Just have fun.

Go get a touchdown.Okay, I will.

What's that saying from "Friday Night Lights"?

Clear eyes, full farts.

Good one, dad.

Thanks, I know.

Do your best, have fun.

Give someone a good stink! Stink someone!

I couldn't believe it. My little boy was all grown up,

fully outfitted for football and one step closer

to becoming a man.

Whoo! Yeah!

Game day!

Oh, yeah!

[laughing] Yeah!

Here we go!

Now, I gotta tell ya, I got a real sweet

tailgating setup here, uh,

I think I nailed it. What do you think, Spurt?

Yeah, you nailed it.What do you think, Gear-i?

It's the perfect way

to celebrate your son's impending manhood.

Whoo! All right, let me give you

the grand tour of the 'Gate.

Got this super sweet RV.

[vuvuzelas blaring] Call this my no-hassle castle.

Got a nice little relaxation station right here.

[vuvuzelas blaring]

Of course, you gotta have your grill.

[blaring continues throughout]

Now, check this thing out-- this is called the Grub Tub.

Put all your food in it, and it connects to your drink,

so you can be like... [pretending to eat]

Can you hold that for me?

Sweet party hands, Spurt!

Got a really kick-ass mini- keg.

Over here we got this really kick-ass cooler stack.

Check out the top cooler.

That thing has speakers,

so we can crank out the tunes while we down our brews!

And then we got an industrial size heater over there.

That's what the pros use,

and we got it here at the 'Gate.

[vuvuzelas blaring]

The 'Gate!

Now, one more very special addition to the tailgate...

right back here in my no-hassle castle.

[knocking]

[vuvuzelas blaring] Go Mustangs! Whoo!

Go Mustangs!

We got New York Jets superfan, Fireman Ed,

joining us today to cheer on the 'Stangs!

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Man, I love your tailgate.

G-E-A-R, gear, gear, gear!

[vuvuzelas blaring] Whoo!

Hey, Ed, can I interest you in a Bloody Mary?

I've already had three because the 'Gate can't wait!

The 'Gate can't wait!

The 'Gate can't wait!

Whoo!Oh, here's the coach!

What's up, coach?!

Somebody's ready for the game, huh?

Here we go Mustangs, here we go!

Wow... [laughing]

Pleasure to meet you.Pleasure to meet you.

What's up, coach?Hey, how you doing?

Nice to meet you. All right, how you doing?

Great, 'cause, uh, today my son becomes a man-- oh!

I'm sorry, who is your son?

Oh, I'm sorry, that's right, we haven't met yet.

I'm, uh, Glaser's Dad.[vuvuzelas blaring]

Glaser?Yeah, but you can call me

Sweet Cleats, because, uh, check these out,

I made some custom cleats for the 'Gate.

Got my freshman year baseball hat right on the side,

got some guac and chips right there,

and then the other side,

you know, a little splash of orange,

which is kind of my show's colors,

and then we got a megaphone for... gear!

And then check this out, see this?

What do you think that is?

I don't know, a Bible verse?

My New York City Marathon time-- Jon 4:48, four hours,

48 minutes-- not bad for a first timer, right?

[deep voice] Ran the 'Thon!

Check this out too, I got a Sweet Cleats theme song.

Gear-i. Yes, Jon?

Fire up the Sweet Cleats song?

♪

♪ Sweet cleats♪

♪ He's on his feet, he can't be beat♪

♪ Walkin' down the street♪Jon.

Call me Sweet Cleats, coach.Jon!

Jon!Hold on, coach,

Gear-i, turn it down, turn it down.

Sorry, coach, what were you saying,

something about Sweet Cleats eatin' all the meats?

Your son's not even on the team.

Sure he is, what are you talking about?

Your son's not on the team.

He never showed up to any practices,

we never heard from the parents.

We assumed he just quit.

This sheds a lot of light on it, though.

[music continues]

Hey, Jon, I gotta go.

But good luck with the game, and good luck

with "Jon Glaser Loves"

G-E-A-R, gear, gear!

Gear!

Thanks, Fireman Ed.

[music continues]

Turn that off, Gear-i. [Gear-i beeps, music stops]

It doesn't make any sense.

We bought all the gear, he was so excited.

You were there, you saw how happy he was, right?

He was so pumped.

I took him to the first practice,

I dropped him off, I watched him walk to the field.

How can he not be on the team?

Because he's not, Jon.

He just pretended to go to that first practice.

He doesn't want to play football.

He's been taking magic lessons.

Magic?

Whoever heard of a Jewish magician?

Your sidekick suggested it.

We did magic at camp one day, and he loved it,

and then he told me how much he hates football, so...

I encouraged him to take some magic lessons

and he's really found something to be passionate about, I mean,

you should be happy that your son is finally engaging

in something that's stimulating and that he loves doing.

Oh, boy.

[sighs] Wow.

You knew this?

Yeah.

[sighs deeply]

You know, first Steve [bleep] Eva, and now this.

Betrayed again by my Spurt!

Why would you guys even let me, like, do the tailgate?

Why not just tell me he's doing magic?

Because you were having so much fun, we just thought

we'd just let you continue until you found out.

Whatever, fine.

It was fun, I had a good time, the tailgate was awesome,

you know, I enjoyed the gear, we had a lot of sweet shit.

It would've been more fun if there was an actual game

and I could've been like,

the hero of the 'Gate!

Well, whatever.

Finally take these shoes off, my feet are killing me.

What are those?

Well, I could tell you, or actually, I could show you.

Gear-i, play the Sweet Cleats song.

♪ Sweet cleats, he's on his feet ♪

♪ He can't be beat walking down the street ♪

♪ You feel the heat cause a rise in me ♪

♪ Inside of you sweet cleats ♪

[Jon] I headed to Tannen's Magic Shop

in Manhattan to confront my son about what was going on.

If he was going to do magic behind my back,

then I was going to go in front of hisback and find out why.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Abra-ca-dad-bra.

Daddy appears.

Dad, I'm sorry I lied to you about playing football.

It's just... I didn't want it to be like hockey last year.

Why not? That was a very good episode,

super funny, really cool, lot of sweet gear,

and I got to meet Ron Duguay.

Dad, my life isn't an episode of TV.

I love magic.

And I think you'll like it too,

there's a ton of sweet gear involved.

Yeah, I can see that, maybe, sure.

You must be the magician.I am.

Nice to meet you, I'm the liar's father.

Nice to meet you.Oh!

That was cool. Neat.

How'd you do that?It's magic.

Awesome.Besides, why would you want me

to play tackle football anyways?

I mean, you read all the articles about CTE.

That stands for Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy.

I know what it stands for, Spurt, thanks very much.

And you know how dangerous tackle football is

and that your own son...

Yeah, Spurt, I know how dangerous

tackle football is for my son.

You know what else is dangerous for my son?

Magic!Dad...

Think about it-- what about guys like Siegfried and Roy?

They got mauled by tigers, is that what you want?

Siegfried and Roy weren't magicians.

They're illusionists.

Whatever, they got mauled by tigers.

You know what, forget those guys, how about Houdini?

He was maybe, what, the greatest magician of them all?

You know what happened to him while he was doing magic?

He died!

Oh, you know what, speaking of Houdini,

see this coat I'm wearing?

This is one of my all-time favorite coats,

the Patagonia Houdini.

Want to know why they called it the Houdini?

I'll show ya.

Because just like Houdini,

the Patagonia Houdini

can make itself go into a very tight space.

You'd think, oh, there's no way it can find in that pocket,

but it keeps on contorting.

You're like, how does the Houdini do that?

And just like Houdini...

it virtually disappears,

just like my son's honesty.

Let's go home, please.

Sorry.It's all right.

So, magic's as dangerous as football, right, doc?

From a medical standpoint it's beyond dispute,

for traumatic head injuries,

football has significantly more risks than magic.

And you say all of this based on what?

Research.Oh, research.

Oh, okay, I see, and have you ever studied

the brain of a magician?

Uh, no.Oh, so it's half a study,

it's not even research, it's quack science.

Well, research shows--[quacking]

Dad, just listen to him.

What? I'm doing a good Donald Duck for the quack doctor.

Over the course of just one football season...

[Donald Duck voice] Of just one football season...

All right, Jon, that's fine, we're gonna not compare

football injuries to magic...[continues Donald Duck voice]

Jon, I want you to listen to what I'm saying to you.

Jon, Jon...

Jon!

[sighs deeply]

I'm sorry. That was not a respectful way

to talk to a doctor,

even though that's a half of a study.

This is a very difficult subject for me because there's...

there's something I have not told you and your mom

that I need to tell you.

Well, what is it?

Jon, what is it?

What is it, seriously?

Before I met your mom...

I was married.

What!?

I was married to a magician.

So, I know this is kind of weird to talk about,

that I was married to someone else before.

My ex-wife, she left me in a way that was...

devastating.

I was her assistant, and we had this really killer trick,

you know, we had this big box and she put me in the box

and spin it round and round and I'd disappear.

And then she'd make me re-appear,

and it was a show-stopper, I mean,

it knocked the socks off the audience's balls.

Anyway, one night we're doing the trick,

get in the box... disappear,

only this time I re-appear in a divorce lawyer's office.

Sounds cool.Yeah, it wasn't.

Anyway, here, I can show you what happened.

Gear-i, can you please look up the video entitled

"Magician's Assistant Looks Like [bleep] Idiot".

Found it. Oh, boy.

[applause on phone] Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, for my next trick,

I'm wondering if you'd like to see my assistant disappear?

[applause]

Nice moustache, daddy.

Assistant, please step into the box?

♪

As you can see...

he's gone! [applause]

Ta-da!

[deep voice] Divorced.

Now it's on the internet, for the whole world to see.

Anyway, um...

that's why I got really upset

when I heard you were doing magic.

That's what I meant about you getting hurt.

I meant getting hurt emotionally.

And I just-- I don't want that to happen to you.

Thanks, dad.

And I know you're always looking out for me,

and I'm sure what you went through was tough for you,

but you just always have to remember that magic...

can heal.

[Leslie] Oh!

What?

How'd you do that?

I-I want to use magic to make people feel better.

Was that behind me ear the whole time?

Like, has this been here my, my entire life?

No, dad.How is it possible?

I shower and I, like, clean behind my ears.

How would I not notice, like, a huge ball... behind my ear?

Okay, Jon.

Is this a tumor?

No.Am I dying?

No!I'm dying.

Hey, hey...Oh, I'm dying!

That's enough. That's enough.

♪

[Jon] It had become clear to me

that my son had become a man,

a man-gician.

So, I turned to him and his instructor

to help me devise a trick to get back at my ex-wife.

First step, immerse myself in the world of magic.

♪

I'm gonna place it right inside the box, watch it close.

Now you see it, and now you don't.

It really is gone.

Look inside your pocket.

What?

Little small ones there, see that one, right here,

the one that comes down? This one, right here, look.

Here it is.

Here you go, Gear-i. You're the devil!

♪

Let me try.

After several weeks of intensive training,

we had come up with a trick.

All that was left to do...

was see if it worked.

Whoo![laughing]

That's what I'm talking about, right?

That's hot.Incredible, man.

Gear!

[applause]

[whispering] It's her.

My lovely friend in the second row,

was the number you were thinking of...

32?

Yes.

[applause]

Oh, man, I hope this works.

Yeah, dad, just believe...

in the power of magic.

How do you guys do that? That, that's crazy!

Dad! Focus!Right, okay, okay, you're right.

Thank you.Yeah.

Now, boys and girls,

would you like to see my assistant disappear?

[girl] Yes!

Assistant, please step in the box.

♪

And just like that...

she's gone.Ta-da!

What the hell?

Thank you, thank you!

Thank you very much!

Boys and girls, you're probably wondering,

who is this person that just appeared from the box?

Tawny.Jon.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

let me introduce to you Jon, my former assistant!

[applause]

Yes, and her former husband.

That's true, we were married once.

Yes, until she divorced me.

Perhaps some of your parents are divorced.

Well, that's what we are.

Okay, stop the music.

Jon, what is going on? What, what are you doing here?

What's with the cameras?

Oh, I, uh, have my own show now.

It's on TruTV, and uh, it's called "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".

How'd you get here?By magic, of course.

I thought you hated magic.

Really? Well, I thought you loved me.

And if you had a problem with our marriage,

then you should've just told me, rather than put me in a box

and make me disappear and re-appear

in a divorce lawyer's office.

Jon, come on, I was so young.

We were just becoming successful,

I let the success get to my head.

Plus, I wanted to be with other guys.

Oh, I knew it, I knew it.

Who was it? Did ya bone Blaine?

You're so hung up on that guy.

Did you make his [bleep] disappear in your vagina?

You better stop.

You're so obsessed with him.Was that who you did?

Chris Angel? Did you go after an Angel?

It was Jon Cryer!

[whispering] Duckie from "Pretty in Pink"?

Yep.That's our movie!

He's not even a magician.

[Donald Duck voice] Oh, boy.

[kids laughing]It's not funny!

Stop laughing!I'm sorry.

Boys and girls, I think we're learning

a very valuable lesson here today--

that magic should be used to amaze people...

not hurt their feelings.

Yeah, and magic should also not be used to get revenge

on your ex-wife even though she did something shitty to you.

Kids...

what do you say Jon and I do one more trick

for old time's sake? Would you like that?

Yeah! [applause]

Yes? Yes?

You got one more trick in you?

For the kids?

Okay, fine. Okay...One more trick!

Whatever.

He's going back into the box-- is that okay?

I don't know.

♪

And just like that...

he's gone!

Ta-da!

Oh, son of a bitch, [bleep]!

And now, we will be showing you a new twist on an old classic.

Normally you see a magician

putting their assistant in the box and making them disappear.

I will be putting myself in the box

and making myself disappear.

But first, please help me in giving

a warm welcome to my lovely assistant, Sweet Cleats!

♪ Sweet cleats, he's on his feet ♪

♪ He can't be beat going down the street ♪

♪ Sweet cleats [mouthing words]

[dramatic music]

Ladies and gentlemen, the next time you see me,

I will have magically transported myself

through the walls, into the hallway,

and right outside the front door.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you...

the amazing...

We actually want more Steve.

The network wants to fire you.What?

If you don't hear from me in a week, you come in and get me.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Holy [bleep]!

[hard rock music]

[vuvuzelas blaring]