Original subtitles

This year we're gonna start with something big.

First episode, season two, volleyball.

Right? It's a fun sport, lot of action,

lot of cool gear.

I got this sweet uni, sweet knee pads--

check out these shoes, right?Cool.

How cool are those?

Those are sweet.And of course,

you got the sweet ball going on.

I love the blue and white colors.

It's like a totally fun sport...Yeah.

to start things off with.

Here's, like, the big idea I got.

We get Pitbull-- he and I do a volleyball song--

[singing poorly] ♪ Bump set spike

♪ Girl you know I love ya [laughing]

Just kickin' the salsa.

[vocalizing salsa]

[laughing]Wouldn't that be awesome?

It'd be so fun!Yeah.

That sounds great.Yeah.

Hey, where is Steve, by the way?

We thought he'd be at the meeting, you know,

maybe taking his shirt off again?

Well, if all you guys wanted was a hunky TV host

taking his shirt off, I'll help you guys out with that.

Oh, no, no, no, we're okay.It's all right, check it out.

There we go. Oh!

You guys remember I ran the New York marathon last fall.

[deep voice] Ran the 'Thon!

What do you guys think? Pretty good, right? Not bad?

I guess they didn't want to, uh,

see a marathon body up close.

They're super busy.Sure.

When you're confronted with an elite athlete...

Uh-huh....especially a natural Jewish

athlete like myself, you see that up close, it's like...

You didn't realize how good a shape these guys were in,

especially marathon runners.Mm-hmm.

It's like, lean and mean, like, Bruce Lee body, you know.

Yeah.Listen, I'm glad

you brought up Steve because I wanted to talk about

his role in the show this season.

Um... Steve's a great guy. We all love Steve.

He's the best.He's my "Spurt".

Mm-hmm.Right?

But last season, when he [bleep] my wife...

[man and woman moaning]

Oh-ho-ho!

The actress who plays your wife.

Yeah, but for all intents and purposes, it was my wife.

Okay, when he did that and we fired him,

and he was gone for pretty much the whole season,

I thought it was fine.Yeah, you know,

it's funny you bring all that up because...

we actually wanted to talk about Steve too.

Great.We actually want more Steve.

Oh.Steve tested really well

with both men and women.

We think seeing much more of him on camera

will be great for the show.

But, hey, that plays great, for volleyball.

You guys could be a beach volleyball team.

Yeah, that works.

Yeah, listen, and-- last season I was the star,

I got all the attention and all the press.

Let's, like... let's spread the wealth this year.

Well, we'd also like Steve to be the host.

[dramatic thud]

Take a look.

What do you think of that?

"Jon Glaser Loves Gear With Your Host Steve Cirbus".

Am I even in this? Where am I?

Yeah, yeah, you're right down here.

Oh, there I am. It's kind of small, right?

Isn't that small?

Well, if you imagine on a billboard.

Yeah, I think something like this could work, same page.

I can't believe you're being so cool about this.

We actually had an office poll going

about what your reaction would be,

and a lot of people just lost a lot of money.

[chuckling]

Can't wait to see what Steve and his new Spurt come up with.

[chuckles]Yeah, why don't I call Steve

and give him the news?Yeah.

I think it'd be fun, we can have a fun moment,

celebrate and then, uh,

I'll follow up with you, all right?

Sounds good to me.Sounds good.

Let's kick things off here. Season two.

Gear!

[chuckling]Yeah.

Pretty good.

Maybe you should host the show.

[both laughing]

Can't wait to meet Pitbull!

♪

Gear!

It makes perfect sense to me

that they want Steve on camera more.

I mean, he's a much more confident,

qualified host, you know?

But you could be, like, the goofy sidekick who's like,

"I love that gear!"

And he's always pointing at the camera, right?

Like the silly clown.

And you'd be home more with the kids, too, so...

Yeah, could we just talk about this inside?

It's really cold out.

No, we already talked about this.

I still don't want the guys to come in here and film, okay?

Oh, hey, Smokey, how you doing?

Hey, nice to see you.Yeah, you too.

Okay, so I'll see you later.

♪

[Jon] So, we got a little good news

and bad news to start things off season two.

Okay.

The good news is we are doing a lot

of super cool episodes this season,

starting it off with...

volleyball!Volleyball!

Sweet! I love volleyball!

Yeah, dude, we are gonna be nadz deep

in a lot of sweet gear this season!

[deep voice] Nadz deep.

[chuckling] Yeah...

What's the bad news?The bad news is,

the network wants to fire you.[dramatic rumbling]

What?Yes, but...

here's the deal.

You didn't test well last season, apparently,

and they didn't think I needed a sidekick this year.

And I thought that was total bullshit.

I fought like hell for you, so it's not a lost cause just yet.

You'll have to do this solo

outdoor winter survival challenge, uh, no crew,

no tent, no gear, uh, no food.

Just you and your outdoor know-how.

If you do that, you stay on.

Now, just out of curiosity, what would be

the hardest challenge you could do

where there's a real possibility, however remote,

that you might not make it out alive?

I... guess it would be going in with no tools.

I mean, I would have to flintknap stone tools

in order to make a primitive fire kit.

But by the time I collected all my materials,

I'd probably have hypothermia,

so then it'd be a race against the clock,

just to get a coal.

Once I had a coal, I could make my big fire...

Yeah, but even then, you know, I mean...

by, by that time I'd probably have frostbite

in my outer extremities,

that I'd lose the ability to function.

I couldn't even get a coal.

I mean, I'm game to try it, but I think it's impossible.

That's crazy, 'cause, uh, that's like...

pretty much the exact scenario that the network described

when they said, "Here's what we want Steve to do."

And I was like-- I did that same face,

I was like, [bleep] you, dude! No [bleep] way!

He gets-- he gets a tool!

And they were, like, you got it, 'cause you know what,

when the star of the show talks, the network listens,

you're getting a tool, dude,

and I would say that's like,

in this whole volleyball scenario,

I'd call that a bump set spike.

Spike!

Oh, yeah!

That's how you kick off season two!

It's basically what happened.

The network, they wanted to fire Steve and I said no.

I really fought for him

because that's what best friends do for each other.

Good for you, dad.

But personally, I don't think you need Steve.

It's called "Jon Glaser Loves Gear,"

starring the comedy genius himself.

Thank you, son.The show isn't called

"Macho Muscly Meathead Is Good At Stuff".

[echoing] Macho Muscly Meathead...

Uh... you ready, Spurt?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, if you don't hear from me in a week,

you come in and get me, all right?

Oh, yeah, of course, for sure.

Um, hey, what did, uh, what you choose for your tool

that I so graciously fought for you to have?

My dad's old huntin' knife.

I've had it with me for every survival camp I've ever done.

Let's hope it serves me well now.

Yeah, rad.

Hey, uh, what's with the drone?

Oh, I thought this'd be a good idea for the show,

to at least document the attempt.

Oh, yeah, cool idea.

You know, I was actually gonna surprise you with this

when the season started.

It's one of those drones that you can program to follow you.

I thought it'd be funny, you know,

kind of like my own sidekick, like Gear-i?

Yeah, hey, Gear-i, check it out.

Hi. Hello, I'm Drone-i Maloney.

[romantic music playing]

I'll be shadowing Steve and capturing footage

of his survival challenge.

[beep] Whoops! I-I didn't mean to--

that music was-- your eyes are just-- I mean-- sorry, hi.

[chuckling] You're cute.

Ah, well, good to meet you, Drone-i, this is Gear-i.

Can't wait for Steve to come out of this thing alive

and check out all your cool shots.

[heavy rock music]

Well, good luck, friend.

I really wanted to thank you,

again, really, from the bottom of my heart,

for going to the network and fighting for me,

letting them know how bad you want me on the show,

you know, thank you for doing that, man,

I really appreciate it.

So, thank you. My family thanks you.

[whirring]Yeah.

See ya.

Let's go, Drone-i. See ya around, Gear-i.

I hate to see you go,

but I love to watch you fly away.

Cool gear![Steve whistles]

Jon, can you describe to me

what the human orgasm feels like?

Yeah, maybe another time, Gear-i.

[dramatic music]

[wind blowing]

All right, Gear-i. I gotta prove to the network

that I am as worthy of hosting the show as Steve.

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

Do you think Drone-i would have dinner with me sometime?

Focus please, Gear-i.

Uh...

Gear-i, pull up a photo of Steve, please.

Shirt on, please.

That's a good one.

Hmm...

How can I...

become Steve?

Shirtless shot again, Gear-i.

Back to bald head.

[snaps fingers] I got it.

Step one-- get a tough-looking buzz cut just like Steve's,

so I headed to Brooklyn Master Barbershop to get a sweet,

new doo, and check out some sweet grooming gear.

I brought my fake son with me

since he's the ultimate sycophant to make me feel good

about myself, and also a paid actor who has no choice

but to go where he's told and say his lines.

Yeah, this thing's cool.

I just love those foils on there.

Do you turn it on right here?Yes.

[buzzing]Mm-hmm.

That's a sweet sound.Yeah.

[imitating buzzing]

And what's the little clipper?

[imitates lower buzzing]

[imitates lower buzzing]

Oh, a three part harmony.

[all buzzing in harmony]

What would you like?So here's, here's what

I'm going for.

I have an old sidekick on the show--

he's not in the show anymore

but I want to kind of emulate his look.

That's him.Whoo.

I need to look pretty tough.All right, we can do that.

Ready to do it?Yeah, let's buzz that fuzz!

Let's buzz that fuzz![loud smack]

[all] Buzz that fuzz!

Brush this first, right?

There you go. And then, voila!

Stop! I don't wanna do this.

No, I'm gonna stop.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna do-- do a different look altogether.

♪

I realized that instead of just copying Steve,

I should create my own unique, macho look.

So you could look now.

Oh, yeah!

Lookin' pretty bad. What do you think, son?

You look awesome!You're [bleep] right, I do.

T-A-F!

Tough As [bleep].

Next up, get some boss tats like Steve.

I'm kind of looking to toughen up my image.

Okay, what kind of thing are you thinking of getting?

Well, I want to give this image of, like,

this guy's tough, this guy's cool.

So, I figured I would do a combo of, like, gear stuff,

personal stuff, like, I love guac

and I'd love to have that

represented on my body somewhere.

Ho-ho-ho, yeah!

That is sweet!

Ooh, I like the little bits of guac seasoning.

Guac and roll!

I want to get my family.

The hot wife is the fake family,

and the regular looking wife is the real family.

We do this thing on my show with a megaphone where I yell,

Gear... Gotta do that one.

Like, a hoverboard I thought could look kick-ass.

Like, a grappling hook, like, some barbed wire,

like some of the classics?

I got this really sweet hat that I had made.

Could you do maybe like, "mmm, right"?

Like, in here somewhere?

Yeah, yeah, there you go.Yeah, nice.

I'm so psyched! Let's get these on my body, man!

Let's get tatted up! Whoo!

[loud rock music]

[buzzing]

T-A-F!

Yeah, dad, let's get some ink on those guns!

Whoo! Let's do this, Joe!

Here we go.Whoo!

[buzzing]No, stop, stop!

I don't want to do it.What?

I don't want to do it. Charlie, let's go. Let's go.

I decided it would be better to give myself more options

long-term if I didn't go permanent on the tats.

Oh, way, way better than the real thing.

First of all, they're like, completely realistic looking.

Who's that?That's me.

Look at the camera.

Now that I look tough as hell, it's time to act tough as hell.

This is Steve's gym for CrossFit,

which means it's my gym for CrossFit.

Steve Cirbus, is that a familiar name at all?

Yeah, actually, he's, uh, he's a good friend of mine, um...

Oh.He coached us back in 2014,

uh, to the CrossFit Games.

He coached you to the CrossFit Games.

Coached us, six athletes.

Would you say Steve is an impressive specimen?

[lion roaring]

He's a bad-ass athlete.Yeah, so...

Yeah....I want to, like,

prove to the network that I'm just as macho.

Okay.And I want to try to do

all the things he does

and either match it or do a little bit better.

Maybe I'm not there yet, but I know I can get there,

but I got, like, a week or two to do it.

Okay.

[loud rock music]

Stay loose with the grip, drive with the hips.

You're doing good dad!Thanks, son.

What is this weight here?That's about 18 pounds.

This is 18?

What does Steve do?Um, he normally uses the red,

which is about 72 pounds.

[lion roaring]

Yeah, keep those elbows in.

[fake son chanting] Better than Steve!

Better than Steve!...a little more speed.

That felt good, right?[loud smack]

[lion roaring]

Continue with those waves.

Try to stay balanced.

Yeah, I'm done!

How long can Steve do that? For, like,

about 30 seconds?

He can hold a two-minute.[lion roaring]

I want to show the network...

what a bad boy they got here.

Sure, what would you be taking?Can I put one of those chains

around my neck?

Yeah!You did great, dad!

[loud clanging]

Hey, Gear-i, check this out.

This is how tough guys eat an apple.

Like that.

A gear a day keeps the doctor away.

Good one, Gear-i.

Let's check in on Steve's feed, see how he's doing.

Boy, he sure looks cold, doesn't he?

I just hope Drone-i's okay.

[static]

My God, his feed is dead.

Drone-i! Oh, no!

We didn't even get to know each other.

[static]

When I broke the good news to Steve

that you guys wanted him to host the show,

he was really excited, but he got really nervous,

and he told me that to prove to the network

that he was worthy of hosting the show,

he was gonna do this--

basically he said an impossible survival challenge.

So, I was just watching the footage of Steve

on my laptop and, you know, he's out in the woods,

he looks so cold and just weak, and then it's just like--

[snaps fingers] --just like that,

Drone-i's feed went dead.

And we sent out a search and rescue team...

Nothing, not a trace of Steve. We didn't find Drone-i.

I mean, he's just gone.

For all we know, like, he succumb to frostbite

and fell in a river and then, like,

a moose ate him or something, I don't know.

Do moose eat people?

Anyway, regardless, this feels like it's all on you.

[sighs] Yeah.

Hey, what 's, uh... happening up top?

Oh, yeah, I got, like, a little tough guy trim,

and I'm, you know,

doing a little test drive on some tats,

getting a little try out, see how that feels.

Anyway, you know, good news, bad news.

Steve is gone but, uh, Jonnie G

is lookin' buff, tough, and ready for stuff!

Right? Let's do this!

[loud heavy funk music]

♪ A hot spark you could not strike ♪

♪ On that cold and wintry height ♪

♪ So it's bump set spike on your life ♪

[vuvuzelas blaring]

[on PA] A heartfelt thank you

to Pitbull tribute performer, Rottweiler,

for that beautiful song.

Now, I believe Jon has a few words he would like to say.

[clears throat]

Uh, thank you, Daniel, and Rottweiler,

let me just echo that--

just a beautiful, touching tribute to Steve.

[Barcelonan accent] Grathias, mi amigo, baldito.

Speaking ofamigo balditos,

what can I say about Steve?

He was my friend,

my brother, my Spurt.

And while we all may be very sad today,

we can at least take solace in the fact that Steve died

doing what he does best--

being macho as [bleep].

I begged Steve not to go mano y mano with Mother Natch.

But God works in mysterious ways.

Who knows why he made Steve so manly

as to make the network want him to be a bigger part of my show,

inspiring Steve to want to really prove his worth

and take on that impossible survival challenge?

I think Steve would've wanted all of us to move on

from this clearly preventable tragedy,

and I know he would've wanted me to hire a new sidekick ASAP.

And even though there will never be another Spurt,

I'm gonna do my best to fill those size ten Thorogoods.

And now several members of Steve's CrossFit gym

would like to come up here and honor Steve

with a 21-flex salute.

[horn playing "Taps"]

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Wyatt, you need to stay strong.

Guys, I'm gonna sit with the Cirbuses for a second, okay?

Members ready!

Aim!

Flex! [gunshot]

Ready! Aim!

Flex! [gunshot]

Ready! Aim! Flex! [gunshot]

I sure am going to miss Drone-i.

This may sound crazy, but I think I loved her.

Well, that's very gallant of you, Gear-i.

You always tell me how you're feeling, and I appreciate that.

So, what are you going to do for a new sidekick?

I don't know, you know,

I gotta find someone who's the anti-Steve,

someone un-macho, unintimidating,

kind of un-everything, you know?

Next week we're gonna dip our lanyards in chocolate

and make scented candles!

Okay, guys, let's get up and do the good-bye dance, okay?

All right, on my count.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and wave!

Uh, I think I might've found him, Gear-i. Hold tight.

Bye, guys, have a good weekend.

Your parents are here, you can meet them outside, okay?

How's it going?Hey, dad.

How's it going? How was camp?

Pretty good, thanks.You have fun?

Yeah, Bowen taught us a lot.Oh, sweet, hey,

would you go wait for me in the hall?

I'm gonna talk to Bowen really quick.

Okay.Yeah, I'll catch up in a sec.

What's up, everybody? How's it going?

[sarcastically] Oh, yay, more cameras.

I know, I'm sorry, uh...

life of a TV star-- gotta take these guys everywhere I go.

Hey, what's up, guys?

You remember me? I'm Nate's dad.

I look different, right? I got a haircut,

got some tattoos. Look pretty tough, right?

Who thought I was a movie star over there?

Yeah, it's probably kind of far away.

Hey, um... can I talk to you for a second?

Can it be on camera also, is that okay?

Okay.Just really quick.

I'm so sorry.

Be right back, you guys, just let me, uh--

borrowing your counselor.

Not gonna hurt him, don't worry.

[Bowen] He's joking.

So, sorry about the cameras,

you know, we're shooting another season of my gear show, and um,

my sidekick from last season, he just died in the woods,

so I need a new one, and I-- I just think you're so great

with the kids, you know,

I love the way you connect with them,

and you're really sensitive and tuned in to their feelings.

And I kind of feel like, you know,

maybe you could even help me in that way.

And you're a great dancer, and we could do, like,

a dance episode and, you know,

you could show the kids how sometimes it's good to get

outside your comfort zone, right?

[sighs] Yeah.

Wait-- so you'll do it?

Sure, I'll give it a try.Oh, yeah!

You are not gonna regret this.

Matter of fact, check these out, man.

How sweet are these? Check 'em out.

You're a glasses guy, keep 'em.

They could be your, like, good-bye song glasses.

Oh, this is something we do in the show, like,

if I ever do, like, a funny joke

or if there's a weird moment and we gotta, like,

punch it with something,

we'll bring in the megaphone and I'll turn into it

and I'll just scream, gear! And this year the sidekick's

probably gonna do it a little bit.

You wanna try it?

I'm good, I'm good.Really?

Yeah.All right, I'll show you

how it goes, this is how it goes.

Gear!

[girl screaming]

It's okay, it's okay.

Sorry, sweetie, I didn't mean to scare you.

Doing a funny thing for my show, with my new sidekick.

You start tomorrow, I'll send you the address.

It's gonna be sweet!

Bowen was reluctant at first,

but he really liked the idea of setting a good example

for the kids about facing your fears.

So, we got him a shirt and celebrated

by having him make me a salad.

I have some big news. I have settled on a sidekick.

Oh.I thought I could bring him in and you could meet him,

but I think it would be much cooler if you met him

in the same way that America is gonna first meet him,

and that is on their TV screens.

Check it out.

[JGLG theme music]

Gear!

Yeah! What do you think?

That's sweet.I told the new sidekick

you guys paid big bucks.

Guac and roll!

Gear! Oh, [bleep] this goddamn thing!

I'm sick of this-- having it on my head!

I'm done!

Sorry, Daniel, just...It's all right.

I just-- you know, I had...

had this thing on my-- what, it's been weeks, right,

since I started, put this thing on and it just--

I haven't washed my hair and,

and it's really itchy and it was, like, driving me nuts.

But get pumped for season two, man,

we're still gonna guac and roll this.

I'm might take these off too, but, uh, get pumped,

it's gonna be sweet!

Don't forget, big bucks for the sidekick!

I'll see ya!