Original subtitles

(Jon) It's the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"

season finale, and what a season it's been.

Yeah...!

From these cool walking sticks,

to this amazing custom bike,

to this sweet hockey uniform,

to this cool water bowl,

to these nice pruning shears,

to this kick-ass fishing rod,

to this cool mitt, to shredding my first wave,

to this awesome balance board, to this sweet metal detector,

to learning to box... Gear! Gear!

...to this bag in space, to this cool drone,

there's been so much gear to love.

So for the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" season finale,

we wanted to top all of that and end on a really big note,

and it doesn't get much bigger

than an epic maritime adventure out on the high seas.

So today, on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear," sailing!

Gear!

*

Gear!

(Jon) Oh, man, look at this boat!

Look at this location!

Look at this gear.

If we can nail this finale and stick the landing,

then we really couldn't have dreamt of a bigger,

better, more stunning way to finish the season.

Pat, thanks again for having us out here.

This is amazing.

It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Yeah, this is a beautiful boat,

there's so much cool gear here that I've been seeing.

This just looks like one of them old-time...

Bosun pipe. It's a Bosun pipe.

I was gonna call it a sea whistle.

(whistling)

I just asked that barge

if they're having Mexican for lunch.

What's this thing right here?

That's a marlin spike.

Any guesses what you'd use it for?

To get some of your sea burrito in your teeth?

What are those flags...

do they mean anything?

They absolutely do.

Each one represents a letter.

So, we have, uh, "G" as in "Gulf,"

"E" as in "Echo," "A" as in "Alpha,"

"R" as in "Romeo."

And it spells?

Gay-R?

"Gayr"?

Ha! Ha! You got me, you're messing with me.

That spells "gear"!

Where did your fascination with gear in general come from?

I don't know, I just, uh,

You know, I just think it's cool, I love it.

There's gotta be a "why" in there.

No, I think it's just, you know, I see the gear

and I just love it and it's so cool and...

It's just cool, right?

Why is it so cool enough for you to do what you do?

Um...

I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it, it...

just seemed-- it's just cool.

Just like it should be such an easy question to answer.

Uh...

Just give me a sec, I gotta sit down for a moment.

(sighing) Oh, man.

(Jon) I don't know why I was having

so much trouble answering the question.

I love gear, but I started to realize

that I had never thought to ask myself why.

Why do I love gear?

Uh, I'm gonna head to the front of the boat for a sec, okay?

Careful. Yeah.

(Jon) What is it about gear

that I love?

Why can't I articulate a good answer?

Is it because there's something wrong with me?

Was there some kind of void I was trying to fill?

Gear!

(slower) Gear!

(much slower) Gear!

(extremely slow) Gear!

(Jon's) I just think it's cool... (echoing)

(Pat) There's gotta be a "why"... (echoing)

Jon, you all right there?

(eerie music)

(retching in slow motion)

(Jon gasping and screaming)

(Jon continues screaming)

You know what? I am so happy

that you're having this breakthrough.

I think it's great, you know?

And I know it's difficult.

But this is the first step, okay?

I think you need to follow through and find the answer.

I don't even know what gear, what is gear,

I don't know what gear is.

What is it-- right?

Is air, is air gear?

Is, is this water gear?

Is the water the gear or is the glass the gear?

You know, when Dennis Miller, like, when he does a...

(imitating Miller) "Hey, chacha,

look at this chacha guy,"

like, I mean, is that considered--

is that verbal gear?

I don't think it's a mystery,

I just think you think gear is cool.

See, that's what I thought!

But it's not that simple. Shh...

I mean, it can't be! Okay, okay.

Even if it's just that I think it's cool.

Why do I think it's cool?

(tea kettle whistling) Okay, I'm going to get your tea.

I'll be right back.

Why gear?

(Jon) I decided to begin my journey

to answering the question, "Why gear?"

with local poet Todd Colby,

hoping that he could help me articulate the unexpressible.

Jon?

I think I'm done.

Great.

Why gear?

Why not gear?

If they tell me the red rubber in my shoe will make me faster

then I am open to the divinity it provides...

in my hyperbolic chamber and danced in my barefoot shoes...

I am clear headed in a shirt

that wicks moisture from my body...

There is no death in compression tights...

...a spectacular moment that lacks all fear.

Wow.

That was incredible.

Um...

I thought it was gonna rhyme.

Mm-hmm. But I just want to hold onto it,

I want to read it again a few times and just...

see if that helps shed any light.

Maybe it might,

and if not, that's all right... Mm-hmm.

See? Like that's kind of... Yeah.

a little more accessible. Yeah.

We'll see if it helps.

I hope it does. Good luck on your journey.

Thank you.

Yeah, see Bernie on the way out, he'll, uh...

give you your cash and your sandwich.

(Jon) The poem was excellent,

but didn't really provide the clarity I was looking for,

so I turned to artist Shaneika Marson

and asked her to make a painting that was inspired

by the poem that was written in response

to the question, "Why gear?"

(sighing)

There's so much going on.

I mean, just the fact that it combines

being so literal and yet at the same time so abstract,

which is, I feel like at the essence of this dilemma.

I mean, I wish you put a hat on me,

just 'cause I like wearing hats.

(sighs) Thank you so much.

This is really...

No problem, enjoy, I hope you find your answers.

Thank you.

And if you just want to talk to Bernie,

he'll help you sign the paperwork

and he'll get you the cash and the sandwich

that we agreed to, so...

All right, well, enjoy.

Thank you.

(Jon) I loved the painting,

but felt like I needed a more abstract approach,

so I asked dancer Katie Currier

from the Peridance Contemporary Dance Company

to choreograph a dance that was inspired by the painting

that was made as a reaction to the poem

that was written as a direct response

to the question, "Why gear?"

Katie, do you want me to do, like...

some music?

I can do mouth music, like...

(vocalizing)

No, no, I think...

better without.

I can do different genres.

I can do, like, ska...

(scatting poorly)

All right...

(clears throat) Sorry.

(clapping)

(sobbing)

I think I'm crying 'cause I still don't know

what the answer is.

Well, you can see Bernie for your paperwork,

and, uh, he'll get you your cash and your sandwich.

(Jon) Strike one, two, and three

on the poem-painting-dance.

It was time for a new direction in the quest to answer

the question, "Why..." Gear!

(gong chiming)

(Jon) So far, my attempts

to answer the question, "Why gear?"

have only left me with more questions

and a pretty cool painting.

So I decided to meet with a Soto Zen priest

to help guide me on a more spiritual approach.

Thank you very much for consulting with me on this.

This TV show I'm making is about my love of gear.

I do love gear, but it started to become a problem

where I really couldn't answer the question,

"Why do I love gear?"

Well, how do you answer it?

I just love it, you know, it's just cool.

That's a good enough reason.

It just felt like an unsatisfying answer

for some reason.

Why is it unsatisfying?

It felt like I wasn't articulating it... well.

By the way, these are very cool,

and very comfortable.

I would consider this, meaning these,

like, that's a piece of gear.

We call this a zafu.

Zafu? Zafu, uh-huh.

But the real fact is,

we don't need anything except ourselves.

You, right here, are enough.

You're perfect and complete, lacking nothing, as you are.

You have all the gear and you are the gear, yourself.

You.

(eerie music)

Time out.

You're saying all I need, all the gear I need,

is right here?

Yes.

(sighing)

(Jon) If the monk is right

and I am all the gear I need,

then my whole life has been a sham

and the entire show is a big lie.

So I met up with Neil Harbisson,

a cyborg artist who had an antennae implanted in his head

to help him see colors,

because if I really am gear,

then I want to be the best ear I can be.

Now, the idea I had, and I wanted to get your opinion is,

I love Pit Zips.

Are you familiar with Pit Zips? No.

The Pit Zip is...

it's basically a zipper,

that's the "zip" part, under the armpit-- Pit Zip.

Gives you immediate ventilation,

and it's just such a cool, simple design.

It's really one of my favorite things of all things gear,

it's the number one feature I look for on a rain jacket.

I was thinking of having an actual Pit Zip

put into my body.

To me the idea would be putting the actual zipper here,

that would open my body to the world.

I would recommend you first maybe stitch a zip

under your armpits, and then you get used to having one.

If you get used to it, then you go for the implant,

and then you do the cut, you cut it...

Ooh, boy. ...and then you need

some protection inside, maybe some silicone,

and then you would open and then you would have this...

Thank you very much, I'm not gonna do it.

I just decided.

(Jon) Turned out that turning my body

into gear was clearly not the path for me.

Back to square one.

So I literally stripped myself out of the equation

in order to focus solely on the gear.

I was hoping that each pose I struck

would bring me one step closer to the answer I was seeking.

But the journey had taken a great mental and emotional toll.

I plumbed every depth of my soul,

going so far so to put my entire life on hold

so that I could devote every waking moment

to discovering the one answer

that would finally allow me to truly live.

"As I close this chapter of the book

"and this chapter of my life,

"I rest easy in the knowledge that I am one step closer

to answering the question, 'Why Gear?'"

(weak clapping)

Uh, thank you for coming.

I have copies of the book for sale

if anyone would like to purchase one,

I'll be signing them.

I'll take one.

Why don't you make it out to "Spurt"?

(dramatic music) Oh-ho-ho!

So it's just been this ongoing quest to try to...

answer the question for myself and I still...

don't feel like I'm any closer to an answer.

Anyway, man, I'm really sorry about how everything went down

between us earlier in the season,

and I feel really bad about it.

Just don't (bleep) my wife next time.

She's not your real wife, dickhead!

I know that you're ten times more macho than me

and you know more about gear than I do and...

you really should be the one

hosting a show about gear, not me.

We all-- everyone's been thinking it, and that's okay,

we all know it, 'cause it's the truth.

Well, I couldn't disagree more.

You should absolutely be the host of this show.

It's like you told me a long time ago,

the name of this show is "Jon Glaser Loves Gear,"

and at its core, that's what it's all about.

And that's where you need to look to find your answer.

I have an idea.

And I think it'll help you find the answer

to all of your existential questions.

(softly) Does it involve gear?

(zipping)

You're wearing a relaxation hoodie.

I just want you to focus on your breathing, all right?

Slow things down.

(breathing deeply)

Just melting into the table.

It is.

Okay, let's stop talking.

And I want you to visualize the ultimate piece of gear.

No, I want you to focus...

on all those questions you've been asking yourself.

What is gear?

Why does gear mean so much to me?

Why do I love it so much?

Why... gear?

Yeah.

And as you ask yourself that simple question...

"Why gear?"

it'll all become clear.

Why gear?

Yeah.

Again.

Why gear?

Again.

Why gear?

Good, again.

Why gear?

Keep repeating.

Why gear?

Why gear?

Why... gear?

So you have a pad and paper on your right...

a marker on your left.

When you're ready I want you to take your hands

out of your pockets slowly.

And without looking, I want you to draw

what it is you're seeing in your mind right now.

(breathing heavily)

(marker scratching)

(whispering) Is that it?

Okay.

(Leslie) So, this is supposed to be me.

Yes.

Okay, and I'm the answer to the question, "Why gear?"

Yes! I don't get it, Jon,

I don't get this,

I don't understand what you're trying to tell me here at all.

This journey... it has been incredible.

Great, I'm happy.

But, everything I did, every person I talked to,

every question I answered, I got no closer to the answer.

Oh. I even got so desperate

that I legally changed my middle name.

Jonathan Matthew Pit Zips Glaser?

Why would you do something like this?

You know how much I love Pit Zips--

it's the number one feature I look for in a rain jacket.

I-I-I-- stop right now. Okay, I know you know that...

Thank you. But I did it because I thought

it was gonna help.

I got this tattoo.

Ugh!

I was gonna put an actual Pit Zip in my body

and I thought that was too much,

so I did the tattoo and look how stunning it is!

It's terrible, it's permanent. I know it's permanent.

It looks cool.

No, it doesn't, it looks really bad.

Regardless, nothing I did helped

until I meditated on the answer,

and this is the image that came to my mind.

You are the answer.

My love for gear-- it's my love for you.

Don't you see? Oh, my...

I have so much love for you that..

I couldn't possibly smother you with it,

so some of that love has been transferred

and manifested itself into my love of gear,

but my love of gear is really just my love for you.

You are the ultimate piece of gear.

(sighing sadly)

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Sadly, it does.

Really?

Gear.

(mouthing words)

(whispering) Come on.

Gear!

Ugh.

(Jon) Turns out the answer

to the question "Why gear?"

was always right in front of my face.

Yes, I think gear is cool,

but I love it because it's an extension of my wife,

so in light of this profound discovery,

we decided to renew our vows,

surrounded by family, friends, and gear.

(Gear-i on PA) Here comes the bride,

All dressed in gear

She has some walking sticks--

Oh.

(organ playing "Here Comes the Bride")

(sighing)

And now, Leslie, as we continue the renewal

of your marriage vows, repeat after me,

"I, Leslie King Glaser."

I, Leslie...

Leslie...

Hey, Jon. Sorry.

"Do solemnly swear..."

Do solemnly swear...

Jon? Sorry.

They have compression socks over there.

I don't care. I know.

"To love you until--"

Actually, give me one sec, Gear-i, just...

check this out.

This suit that I got, I put a Pit Zip in it...

Okay.

Isn't that cool?

The suit actually comes with this pocket.

Okay.

Isn't that cool? Awesome.

Let's just skip to Jon's vows.

(clears throat) Okay.

Okay.

Um...

(sighing) Leslie, I...

love you...

more than anything in the world.

And the kids, you guys mean so much to me.

(crying) You should show

this side of you more, Jon.

You're sexy when you're vulnerable.

(Jon) Not now, Gear-i.

And I'm so sorry for putting you

through everything this year with the cameras

and the show and all the gear and all the stuff,

and I really hope you understand why I cast this...

such a hot woman to play you.

(Leslie) Okay.

(Jon) 'Cause you're...

you're that hot in my heart.

Give it a rest.

I love you so much.

I love you too, baby.

Okay, Gear-i. (sighing nervously)

The ring, please.

Check this out.

(rotors whirring)

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

I'm good, I'm good.

(hard rock music)

(clears throat)

(whirring fades)

Awesome.

Jon, repeat after me.

"With this gear..."

With this gear...

"I, Jonathan Matthew Pit Zips Glaser..."

I, Jonathan Matthew Pit Zips Glaser...

"...do thee rewed."

...do thee rewed.

You may now kiss the bride.

Love you. Love you.

(applause) (both sigh and laugh)

And now I would like to...

renew my vows with you, the TV audience

for another season of "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".

Guys, let's go, let's go.

Come on, you don't need to see this, come on, let's go.

Come on, come on, let's go.

(Jon panting and kissing)

Gear!