Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Candy corn!

(kids) Baseball!

Gear!

*

Gear!

*

(Jon) Baseball is one of my favorite sports.

It was a big part of my childhood.

I played little league as well as a couple of years

of high school ball.

I played centerfield,

which is basically captain of the outfield.

Yeah, I bat at leadoff,

I had some pretty serious wheels on the base path.

Point being, I have a lot of wisdom to impart,

so I thought it would be cool for "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"

to sponsor a little league team where I could serve

as both coach and mentor

to some kids about America's pastime.

I decided to hit the batting cage for a little BP

to polish my skills so I could make a good impression

on these kids.

Hey.

You know, it's hot. I see ya.

It's like, 110.

Yeah, I'm just gettin' a good stretch in.

Yeah, you gotta do that.

It'll be worth the wait, trust me.

I can't wait. Yeah.

What's with all the cameras? What is this?

It's a reality show, it's called "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".

Yeah? That's me.

All right, here we go. Boom!

And... the batter is up, thank God.

I'm trying to focus on batting, thank you.

Oh, please, focus.

I'll let the first one go and get my timing down.

(sighing deeply)

Okay.

(Gear-i) Waggle your bat some more and stay loose in your stance.

Shut up and stop distracting me, Gear-i.

Hey, batter, batter,

wanna see some naked pictures of your wife?

Part of becoming a good batter is learning

to deal with outside distractions,

like obnoxious fans.

Well, part of being a gear-centric app

is learning when to shut the (bleep) up.

(eerie whisper) Eases pain...

Stop talking, Gear-i.

I didn't say anything.

Eases pain...

You're not hearing that.

Hearing what?

You say that? Say what?

Eases pain.

You're not hearing that voice?

You talkin' to your phone,

now you're hearing "Field of Dream" voices?

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Could you do me a favor? Speed it up, okay?

My kid's been waitin' an hour to bat.

(Bleep) sucker.

Oh! What he say now?

"If you build it, they will come"?

Uh, it said (bleep) sucker.

Oh! It was the voice.

Yeah, you're an asshole, you're an asshole.

Right, call me an asshole for saying (bleep) sucker.

That makes sense.

Your show's gonna get cancelled!

Yeah, we'll, see-- you'll be can--

I'll cancel you!

Jackass!

None of you guys heard that?

Dave, seriously, you didn't hear anything?

No.

So none of you heard any of that?

Gear-i, I mean, this is like classic father-son

"Field of Dreams" stuff, right?

I've never seen that movie.

You never saw "Field of Dreams"?

No, Jon, tell me about it.

It's all about-- it's got father-son issues,

the son has these unresolved issues with his dad

and they play catch at the end.

I mean-- I'll watch it.

[bell dings] I just watched it-- pretty great.

(crying) I just watched it again-- I can't stop crying.

(Jon) Clearly I had to have a catch with my dad

so we could achieve closure on some

unresolved father-son issues.

I also didn't want any distractions

when coaching the kids,

so I headed to Paragon Sports in New York

to see if they could help me out.

Gear!

I want to just let you know what I'm dealing with.

I'm hearing voices.

It's very "Field of Dreams," you ever see that?

I did.

Me and my dad, we need to have a catch,

and for me, I want that moment to be perfect,

so I wanna get a brand-new mitt.

Now, when I was a kid, the mitt to get was the Wilson A2000.

I always wanted that glove, never got it,

and so I thought for this moment, if I get that mitt,

have a catch with my dad wearing that glove,

I'll ease his pain, I'm good to go,

I could get him out of my life.

Well, let me show you two.

Right here, A2000 B2. Uh-huh.

That's a 12-inch glove. Right.

Then you got the A2000 1799,

which is more of an outfielder, 12.75-inch glove.

This is pretty sweet.

Let me try this one on.

Right away I like the fit of this one better.

Of these two mitts,

what do you think is gonna deal with

the emotional pain better?

I think this is the one, man.

It looks good on ya.

Let's break in this mitt!

Next up I met with Antonio, Paragon's glove specialist,

to break in the mitt and hopefully

break through the emotional barrier

that was causing my dad such pain.

So I need you to break this thing in perfectly, man.

I gotta have this catch go as well as it could...

Yeah. So both me and my dad have peace and closure.

I don't know if you got some issues with your dad.

I you do, I want you to put it into that mitt, man.

Is this for breakin' in the mitt?

Oh, yeah. That is cool.

Yeah. That thing is kick-ass.

Gear!

(pounding)

Yeah! Put it in the mitt, Antonio!

(slow-motion) Put it in the mitt!

You have to do it, man.

(very slow motion) Put it in the mitt!

Let it out, man.

Why did you not give me the mitt

that wanted when I was a kid!?

(sighing)

You done with that?

I'm good. You're good?

Just put it in the mitt.

I grabbed a little guac to help me cool off

while Antonio continued to put it in the mitt.

And finally...

I think she's ready.

Whoo!

[ball smacking] I like that sound.

I think I'm ready, man.

Gear!

(Jon) I flew my dad in from Michigan

so we could have this all-important catch

and silence these voices of torment once and for all.

These voices, they gotta be talkin' about you, right?

Were there any times in your life where you felt like...

Boy, my son, he's a real (bleep) sucker?

Nothing comes to mind.

I mean, surely we've had our ups and downs

in this relationship, yeah.

You know, there were a few times when you were a real asshole,

but it wasn't (bleep) sucker territory.

Overall, I'd say we had a pretty good father-son relationship.

See, that's how I feel.

This whole time I'm like, this seems like what it is,

but it doesn't add up.

I mean, I bought this nice mitt and everything, but I don't--

do we need to have a catch?

Only if you want to, I don't think we need to.

See, that's how I feel.

Okay, then. Then I'm gonna go home.

Oh, by the way, I really like that shirt, it's very hip.

Well, how do the kids nowadays call it?

Oh, yeah, that's real fresh, man.

That's fresh, man!

(chuckling) Fresh, man.

"Fresh man."

Fresh man.

Freshman, freshman.

Guys, my house, now!

(Jon) The word "freshman"

made me realize there was something inside my house

that I needed to see.

But since I'm not allowed to shoot there

for my show anymore...

Everyone out, get out.

(Jon) We had to wait for my wife to leave...

and then sneak inside.

*

(Jon whispering) Let's go.

(Jon) The thing I needed to see

was something I hadn't looked at

or thought about in a long time...

My freshman year high school baseball hat.

I gave up baseball to try out for a school play,

which always left me wondering if I had

what it takes to have played college or pro ball,

and I could never bring myself to give up the hat.

It was still in decent shape, except for the brim,

which was completely broken inside,

just like my baseball dreams.

(eerie whisper) Eases pain, (bleep) sucker.

Whose pain?

Who's the (bleep) sucker?

(sighing)

(sighing)

(Jon) When I saw the tag on my hat,

crystal-clear to read despite its age,

I immediately knew what I had to do.

(Jon) Knowing that my old broken

hat was the source of these voices in my head,

I headed over to the New Era Cap Company

and met with their brand historian, Jim Wannemacher,

to see if he could help me out.

See, you know, I played freshman year, sophomore year,

then I got bit by the acting bug and got into comedy.

But, you know, I was pretty good.

Played centerfield, captain of the outfield,

I was leadoff,

had some pretty serious wheels in the base path.

My coach, Coach Shanta, best coach I ever had, I loved him.

You know, when you're taking batting practice,

he'd be standing behind the cage,

just watching you very patiently, arms folded.

And if you made any good contact, he'd just say,

"One is luck, two is skill," and I loved that.

I just-- the best, the best coach.

So, you said something about fixing a cap.

Yes, sorry, the hat, right.

Okay, thank you, by the way, for helping me with this.

This is my freshman year baseball hat.

That is great. Yeah.

Now, I've been hearing these voices,

total "Field of Dreams" stuff... Okay.

...like "Eases pain."

Now, look at this-- I put the hat on,

still in pretty decent shape except look at the brim, right?

Oh, yeah. And I thought,

oh, "ease his pain," ease the hat's pain, it's broken.

And then when I was looking at the hat, look at that.

Well, there you go, it's one of ours.

It's a New Era hat. Beautiful.

So I thought if you could make a replica of this hat,

like, just brand-new, shiny sparkling, brand-new hat...

Mm-hmm. That would ease its pain.

Okay.

Well, we don't normally do that kind of thing,

but I think in this case,

with the circumstance being the way it is,

we could make an exception.

We'll take this back and using the right materials,

bring her back to life. (melodramatic music)

Thank you so much, thank you.

Uh, if you could give us the cap--

(melodramatic music stops)

--actually to use as kind of a pattern,

we could make it up for you.

Ah, it's gonna be hard for me to...

have it out of my hands, I'm so, like...

but okay.

Well, we kind of need it to...

No, I know.

Let's make this a very, very gentle transfer.

Okay. Don't grab it.

Don't grab it-- I want you to put your hands out.

Rigid fingers, please. All right.

Don't even move, I'm gonna place it.

Very good.

We'll take very good care of it.

(exhaling sharply)

Um...

Do me a favor, this is very hard for me.

I'm gonna close my eyes and when I open my eyes just be--

have left.

We'll see you in a week.

(softly) Okay.

(sighing emotionally)

(exhaling deeply)

Okay, so you're ready to see the hat, Jon?

Yeah.

All right.

Up first we have the cap that you gave us...

we lovingly took care of.

But, I think this is what you've been waiting for here.

This is the final piece.

(baseball cracks, crowd reacting)

What do you think?

I hope that's a good face.

Wow.

That's crazy.

It's like, exact!

That is unbelievable.

This is so cool,

this really is truly one of the coolest things

I have ever experienced.

Come on.

Okay, that is original.

It took a while, but I actually found one from '82-'83.

May I? Let's see how it fits.

Fit is important.

(whispering) It feels good.

It looks great.

Gear!

So I'm hearing these voices, right,

and it was just non-stop.

So at first I thought, all right,

this has gotta be about my dad,

'cause that's what "Field of Dreams" was like.

That was the whole set-up of the movie, right?

You saw that, right? I did, yeah.

And so I meet my dad and we start talkin' and we realize,

you know what, no, we're good.

Then I realized, okay, it's gotta be my hat.

Somehow spiritually the hat is in pain,

I have to ease the hat's pain.

They made this thing to the detail.

They got the stitching down,

they got the dimensions of the "L,"

the red button on the top.

And so as soon as they made the new hat and I put it on my head,

the voices went away.

And so here I am, me and Coach Pat,

we're ready to go-- you guys psyched to practice?

(kids cheering) Yeah!

Let's do it! Let's get some jerseys and play some baseball!

This year we are the Mustangs.

Check out the back.

Oh, yeah! (kids cheering)

Pretty sweet, right?

Jones... (boy whoops)

Perrero.

Jump-shot! Ohh!

Cunningham.

Boom.

Cirbus.

Right here.

You Steve Cirbus' kid? Yeah.

Just to give you guys a little backstory.

Steve was my sidekick on the show and I had to,

I had to let him go.

Does he talk about me at all?

No.

Tell him, tell him, tell him I said hi

and I hope he's doin' good.

Your dad's a good man, he just made a mistake.

(women moaning, eerie whirring)

And he paid for it,

and hopefully he told you the story,

and it's a life lesson you can learn from.

Okay, let's get back to the jerseys, all right!

(kids cheering)

Nice...

Lookin' like pros.

You guys ready to hit the field?

(kids) Yeah!

Let's do it!

(Coach Pat) You feelin' good?

Yeah.

I'm glad the voice is resolved and I can--

Yeah, do me a favor, if you could just, uh,

take it easy with those stories, you know,

we're just here to have fun, you know what I mean?

Okay.

It is what it is. Yeah.

And I think the kids are okay with it.

I don't think they seem too scared.

All right.

Hey, look alive, guys!

Candy corn!

You're gonna come up here and you're gonna go like this...

(imitates whoosh) ...okay?

I just got this glove, isn't it sweet?

It's the Wilson A2000.

Simple, all black, just such a sweet mitt.

Isn't it nice?

You see that bat up, bend those knees.

There you go.

Nice. One is luck, two is skill.

Watch this curl.

When you stepped up to the plate,

you have to have confidence.

By doing this, you're letting the pitcher know

this ball's comin' right back where it came from.

Now, if it helps, you can think about the pitcher

as someone that you don't like.

Like if I were up to bat,

I'd pretend the pitcher was your dad right now,

and I would think... what he did was wrong,

and now we're gonna get even.

All right, you ready?

What did my dad do wrong?

Give us a sec, Coach Pat?

Um... I want you to actually ask him that same question.

"Dad, what did you do?"

Did he give you any details? No.

But he did tell you that he was fired?

Yeah.

He "adult hugged" my wife, ask him about that.

Let's get some hits.

All right, let me see you bend those knees.

Square those feet.

We need some of that strength, you've got those genes,

your dad is a big, strong guy

with a really stunningly beautiful body.

Think about your dad's body when you hit this pitch.

Whoop!

Find the plate, coach, come on.

Don't forget, you got this name on your back, right?

That's me.

Play with pride.

I'm kind of revered in the comedy world,

and I want this team to be good.

All right, let's head inside-- good job.

(loud smack)

Okay, guys, great practice.

I loved what I was seeing out there.

Uh, any questions about the drills we were doing,

or do you have any questions

even about the gear that I got goin' on, right?

Yes.

What about those voices?

That's really all I was thinking about.

They're kind of creeping me out.

Uh, okay, uh, sorry about that.

Uh, if any of you other guys were distracted by

the prospect of hearing voices, they're gone.

Okay, guys, you don't need to be scared,

you don't need to tell your parents about 'em,

they're gone.

(eerie whisper) Eases pain, (bleep) sucker.

Okay, um, just heard the voice.

You don't have to be scared, but the voice is back.

Did any of you hear that?

Okay, good, thank God.

Okay, great, because it was pretty salty language.

Summer camp.

Uh, okay, that was the voice again,

and it was good this time--

guys, it was great, it was good, it actually said "summer camp".

It said summer camp.

So it's a good voice, it's fun, like summer camp's fun, right?

We're at a baseball camp-- baseball camp!

Having fun in the summer, right, guys?

(overlapping voice)

Okay, guys, let's get back to practice, come on, hustle up.

Yeah, let's get back to practice, guys.

Good idea!

We got fun voices, nothing to be scared of.

That's why we're having summer camp baseball camp.

Let's do it!

Jon, you can't coach anymore unless you get some help.

Pat, I'm fine, man, it's cool, it's all good.

The voices are fun now, man.

Summer camp!

What is-- what is summer camp?

Have you ever considered that the voices were about yourself?

No way.

Well, there's a possibility

that something significant happened to you at summer camp

that had a lasting, negative effect on you.

Let me think for a second.

There was a counselor I didn't like... Mark.

I got it!

Mark must have sexually abused me

while wearing a baseball hat

and a photo of my dad on his face

so I would have thought it was my dad doing it

and not Mark!

That's what happened-- that's it.

Thank you, doc. That's a possibility.

No, that's definitely it.

That's what happened. Thank you.

Gear!

(Jon) I went to the alumni page on my old camp's website.

Thinking I'd have to plan some kind of trip back to Michigan,

I discovered that Mark actually lived in New York.

(whispers) Yes!

Bingo.

There was no doubt Mark

was the reason I was hearing the voices.

And now it was time to silence them once and for all.

Excuse me, uh, you're Mark, right?

Yeah, who are you?

(Bleep) sucker ring a bell?

Glaser?

(Jon muttering) Shut up, go this way, go on.

(Bleep) All right.

Why do you have to rub this in my face?

You know, that's funny,

I was thinking the exact same thing

when you were rubbing your balls in my face.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about these voices

that I've been hearing for the last week or so,

"Ease his pain.

"Freshman. Summer camp.

(Bleep) sucker."

You don't remember what happened.

No.

Well, let me refresh your memory.

Okay.

But I'll just tell you right now, any story you tell,

we're gonna do a dramatization for it for my show.

And if this is going to be a camp story

and I'm gonna be portraying myself as a kid,

I'm gonna be doing some serious Dorf acting.

Fine, whatever.

(Mark) Our bunk was playing Bunk Six at baseball,

and we were winning big, it was like, 12-2.

You were playing first base...

I got this guy, Mark, come on, man.

And I was pitching, and some kid from the other team hit, like,

an easy pop fly right back to me.

And because we were winning, I decide to be a nice guy

and pretended to lose the ball in the sun and drop it,

just so that they could get a base runner

and not feel so bad about getting creamed.

Whoopsies!

(Mark) It was clear to everybody

that I dropped that ball on purpose,

but you got all pissed off and called me a (bleep) sucker.

Oh, man, Mark, you (bleeps) sucker!

(kids laughing) Jon, back to the bunk!

I was just jokin' around.

Back to the bunk now!

(sobbing)

Oh, yeah, I... I remember now.

I don't know what else to say.

It was sixth grade, I thought swearing was all funny and cool.

Yeah, well, it wasn't.

It really hurt my feelings,

being called a (bleeps) sucker in front of a bunch of kids.

I never really recovered from that summer.

I've been living with this pain my entire life.

"Eases pain."

Ease his pain.

Wow.

Listen...

I'm so sorry... that you've been dealing with this, man,

but I...

I feel like I have an idea that can,

that can make things right.

And so it turns out that the voices I was hearing

were not about my dad,

it was not about my hat,

it was about Mark.

And we decided that he should be allowed

to call me a (bleep) sucker in front of a group of kids,

just like I called him a (bleep) sucker

in front of a group of kids.

Now, I'm sorry to use that word in front of you guys,

but it is an integral part of the story...

and this is just real life right here, guys.

And real life, it is raw, it is ugly, it is brutal,

it is unforgiving.

You need to look no further than Mark to understand that.

And you're all gonna be better for it by hearing that word.

So let's all focus and give Mark our undivided attention

while he calls me a (bleep) sucker in front of you, okay?

Take your time, man.

No rush.

This is your moment, make it count.

Hit the cutoff man.

Come on.

Second base.

Pivot, good.

Pop up and throw.

Jon... Good, good, nice.

Jon!

Officer!

How you doin'?

Good, how you doin'? Good.

Let's go fellas, you gotta pack it up, let's go.

What are you talking about? You know the drill.

You said (bleep) sucker in front of the kids...

Right. ...the league has kicked you out.

There's a restraining order that says

you can't be within 500 yards of these children.

Yeah, I know, we're at least 600 yards, right?

Look at that-- we're super far away from these guys.

You're like... 100 yards, max, Jon.

No way, come on. I need you all out of here.

Don't make me arrest you, please.

It's good, man. Let's go.

We were leaving, guys, we were wrapping it up anyway, right?

Just real quick-- guys, you gotta hit the cutoff man!

No, no, no, no, no.

Wyatt, hit the cutoff man!

See? You're under arrest, Jon.

Don't forget, one is luck, two is skill.

Gear!

* Take me out to the ballgame

* Take me out with the crowd It's cool, guys!

Keep practicing! Pipe down.

Wyatt, you ask your dad about what happened yet?

He (bleep) my wife!