Original subtitles

(Jon Glaser) "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" is basically gonna be

a show that explores

my genuine passion for all things gear.

You know, we're gonna be talking about things like,

for example, this rain hat.

You know, it's got cool details on it, like,

the short brim is pretty cool.

You know, and when you put it on

it's got the really good earflaps.

It cinches in the back.

These are just all the kind of things

that we all kind of nerd out about

when we're obsessing on whatever activity we like.

And, of course, I will be joined by my good friend

and fellow gear lover, Steve Cirbus,

who will be serving as my gear expert,

or "spurt" for short.

Yeah, I'd like to do something where we'd go on a hunt,

and maybe I kill a deer with my

Bowtech Carbon Icon compound bow.

Oh, take your shirt off when you're talking about that, dude,

show off the goods! Should I?

You don't have to.

No, he wants to, it's all right,

check this out. Look at that, nice, right?

We're gonna see this body every episode.

(imitating "Sesame Street" song) * Like, one, two, three, four five six... abs! *

Right?

So, that's the show, um...

We good to go?

I like it. Let's do it.

Yeah!

*

Gear!

What is up?

Welcome to the first episode of "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".

Me and Steve, we're just hanging out here

at the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" production office.

Today's episode, "Camping".

Me and my spurt, we are gonna kick off the season

with a sweet, little two-day camping trip.

Now, before we do that, I would like to introduce another

integral part of the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" team.

A lot of people with your phones, you have Siri,

well, my phone comes equipped with something called Geary.

Now, Geary is just like Siri, but it's specifically for gear.

Let me show you how it works.

(phone dings) Hello, Jon.

How may I help you?

Steve and I are going to be going on a camping trip,

two days, what are your gear suggestions?

That sounds like fun.

The forecast calls for mid-70s during the day,

dropping down to upper 50s at night.

I'd recommend two two-person tents.

Yes.

Three-way, non-glaring lantern.

Good call. Okay, yeah.

USB wood burning stove.

(both) Good call.

Foldable camping chairs.

(both) Good call.

Lightweight Gore-Tex hiking boots.

(both) Good call.

GPS watch with altimeter.

Oh, yeah. Yep.

Call of the day.

Yeah. (loud smack)

And collapsible walking sticks

with aluminum shafts.

I'm gonna say yes to those.

I just want those, they're cool.

All right, well, thanks very much, Geary.

Rock solid gear suggestions.

Let's go camping!

Gear!

(Jon) Me and my spurt headed over to one of our favorite stores,

Tent & Trails, to gear up for the camping trip.

*

That is a pretty good sized sleeping bag.

(Jon) Now, Jamie, if you want,

you're free to take your shoes off and come on in.

That's a no.

Gear!

Yeah, I've been showing my wife this one online a ton,

and she's like, "Oh, yeah, you totally gotta get it."

Gear!

What if you put, like, a voice chip inside the boot,

so every step you're like...

(whooshing)

Or you could do one where it's like...

Ow! Ow!

Or like a macho-like, "Yeah!"

Ow!

(whooshing) Yeah!

Gear!

(rattling)

Oh, Paul Rudd did a PSA for camping.

He's going on a massive, massive hike, clearly.

First of all, cotton pants?

You know what I call cotton in the woods?

What? Death cloth.

Death cloth? Yeah, dude.

As soon as it gets wet,

there's no insulation whatsoever.

This, right here-- It'd be a good metal band,

Death Cloth. Death Cloth.

(vocalizing heavy metal)

* Wore the wrong material

Yeah, this is sweet.

That looks sharp. Now, I have a question.

Let's say we're doing a couple's camping trip,

and I think my wife and I are gonna break off for a hike,

and let's just say we come across

some beautiful landscape and I'm so overtaken by emotions

that I start crying, would this jacket bead the tears

like it would a raindrop?

Gear!

Let's get all that up there, thanks a lot, spurt.

Geary, check out all the sweet stuff we got.

Great choices, Jon.

Steve, I just want to say that you have a really amazing body.

Would you ever consider a relationship with a machine,

like in the movie "Her"?

Only in this case, the machine is a guy?

Right, give it a rest, Geary.

I don't even know how you're even attracted to humans anyway.

Geary Fonzarelli has always been open minded

and bi-curious.

I'm sorry, did you say your last name is Fonzarelli?

Yes, that's right.

Like the Fonz?

I'm sorry, who's the Fonz?

Whatever, Geary.

Sorry, Steve. That's cool.

Gear!

*

* Hey!

(whispering) Okay, time to give my wife the good news.

Let's do it-- go.

(knocking) Knock-knock, babe.

Check it out! What?

This can only mean one thing. Jon!

The show's picked up!

* Banana-nana-na

* The show's picked up

* Banana-nana-na

Whoo! (Leslie) Jon.

Here's what's going on, get you up to speed.

Episode one, "Camping".

Me and you, Steve and Amy,

weekend camping excursion, no kids,

just the couples, just adults.

I just loaded up with some really kick-ass camping gear...

Jon-- ...including this kick-ass GPS watch.

Pretty sure Paul Rudd wears one.

Jon. It's from Garmin.

I'm really happy your show's picked up,

but we've talked about this, like, so many times.

I really don't want to be on camera,

it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Sweetie, I told you, we're gonna blur your face out in post.

No one's gonna know it's you.

We talked about this.

Yeah, we did talk about this,

and I made it crystal clear that I don't want to be on camera.

Why do you even need a camera crew here

if the show is about how much you love gear?

Because I have a wife that I love and I love coming home and,

and showing you all my gear and sharing the experience.

Oh, brother.

Like, look at this kick-ass GoPro I got in my backpack.

Pretty cool, right?

Why do you even need that?

It's for gettin' cool shots!

*

And also, look, I got this GPS watch-- check this out.

This thing has an altimeter. An altimeter, I know, Jon,

because you've showed to me a hundred times online,

and I told you then and I'll tell you now,

it's too much watch for you.

You never even go camping.

Now all of a sudden you need to have a $500 watch

with an altimeter? No, I don't need the watch,

but the show is not called "Jon Glaser Needs Gear".

Oh. It's called "Jon Glaser Loves Gear,"

and I love this watch.

Wow, truly.

Sweetie, listen, I know that I can be annoying...

Thank you. ...when I talk about gear.

Stop right there and then walk out.

Okay, but when you are married to someone

and you love that person... Oh, okay.

Part of that is you indulge in the annoying things about them.

Oh, come on, please.

Like, I love you and I indulge the annoying things

that you like to talk about, like your shoes and bags.

My shoes and bags.

Yes.

Like, my gear?

Not the same thing at all.

It's exactly-- Not even close to being--

It couldn't be closer. No-- gear is cool shit.

No, it isn't. Gear is like,

oh, look at these cool cycling goggles,

and this cool watch, okay, that's gear.

Give me a break. Gear is not like tampons and gum in a purse.

Oh, my God! Okay, that's not gear.

You are a class act. Gear's putting stuff

in a cool bag, a cool, waterproof bag... Shoot for the stars...

with a GoPro on it. ...you're a real gentleman.

You know what you should call your show?

You should call your show, "Jon Glaser Loves to be An Asshole".

Everyone, out, get out.

*

(footsteps walking away) Unbelievable.

(Jon) Since my real wife does not want to be on camera,

and since I'm an amazing, respectful husband,

I decided to hold auditions and cast an actress to play her.

You ready to try one? Yeah, sure.

All right, I'm gonna read with you, and, uh, here we go.

Hey, babe, how sweet is this watch?

Pretty cool, right? Check this out.

It's got a ton of features.

It's even got an altimeter.

(gasps) What a cool piece of gear.

(Icelandic accent) It's definitely not too much watch.

You deserve such a nice watch.

You're such a great father and a husband.

You work so hard to support us.

I love that you love gear so much,

and I'm happy to talk about gear with you whenever you want.

Talking about gear is making me wet.

Put on that headlamp and get inside me.

Uh, wow.

Yeah?

Uh, yeah. (chuckling)

(Jon) America, for the sake of this TV show,

say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Jon Glaser.

Gear!

(Jon) The inaugural "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" camping trip

was off to a great start.

So while this thing was cooking our food

it was also charging my phone.

How cool is that, right? Really cool.

How you doing down there, Geary?

I think I'm too close to the fire.

(laughing)

Funny as hell, Geary.

I wasn't kidding.

Then, of course, kick-back in your sweet chair... boom.

Got a little swivel.

Not bad, right?

What the hell? What?

Why didn't we get swivel chairs?

Here's the best part-- end of the day,

you got some tired dogs,

kick off your shoes, take off your sock,

reach in your pack-- boom, look at that.

Teeny, tiny, takes up no room in your pack,

almost nothing at all, super light...

instant foot massage.

That's pretty cool, but, I find that there's no substitute

for the human thumb, you know?

Takes up even less space in your pack

and it's way more efficient.

May I?

Sure.

Put her up there.

How about that sweet boot, man?

Keens. Yeah.

Pretty solid. Very sweet.

Super lightweight, rugged, durable.

I like the, the powder blue.

Pretty cool sock, right?

That's a tick sock, underneath.

Oh, good one.

Keep them little dudes away, man, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, I prefer the feel of skin on skin.

(sighing) Don't forget about me, mister.

Well, throw her up there.

I could do two.

Hey, all right, okay, spurt.

I think I can-- I think I can rub my own wife's foot.

Come on over here, babe.

That's all right, I don't care. No, no, I got it, spurt.

Sweetie, come on. (laughing)

Yeah, they called me Dr. Hands in college.

'Cause I knew what to do with my hands...

on a woman's body.

The doctor is in, huh, hon? Mmm.

(slapping)

Look at this, right?

(flicking)

Does that feel good, babe?

Yeah, it all feels good.

Oh, man, look at that.

I'm noticing now, just like the way they designed this

is so cool, man.

It's got these two pieces of elastic

right around the border of where you put your can in

so it hugs the can.

Yeah, I mean, if there's an earthquake,

these plates are gonna go, but the cans are gonna stay

in there pretty good.

Look at that, that drink's not going anywhere.

Nice and secure.

(chuckling)

(crickets chirping, owl hooting)

(whispering) Oh, my God, this is awesome.

Okay, Jon. Sorry, what's up?

Um... I'm really not comfortable with that.

What's that? I mean, the sleeping situation.

I thought I would have my own tent.

Oh... I see.

Well, I just figured it was implied that we'd be, you know,

in the same tent just 'cause you're playing my wife

and we're getting the shots.

Yeah, no, I'm really not comfortable.

Okay, no, no, I, I totally get it.

I want this to feel like a professional job for you.

You're still an actress and, you know, apologies.

So you'd rather I'm not...

Are you cool if I sleep on top of the bed?

No.

Well, I totally get it, um...

You know, I want you to be comfortable

as an actress, and a woman, first and foremost.

You know, I respect my wife's decision to not be on camera

and I respect your decision to not wanna be

in the sleeping bag with me, I totally get it.

You know, I'm like, the biggest feminist there is.

You can ask anyone that knows me.

You can ask my wife, you can ask my daughter.

You can ask my teachers, you can ask my mommy,

you know, they're all gonna tell you, "Jon... respects women."

Yeah. How about this?

I'll sleep on this side of the tent,

I'll be right over here.

We'll consider the lantern the border.

And you won't come over. No.

I will sleep right over here.

Okay.

I've got some pretty sweet gear.

Check this out.

This is actually a running tight.

They're really warm but also very breathable,

so I won't overheat.

Check out these booties, these are awesome.

It almost looks like candy apple red, do you remember that?

"Corvette Summer" with Mark Hammill?

This jacket is really great, got this for the trip.

(whispering) Okay, I'll just tell you about it while you fall asleep.

I can cinch up the hood really good.

It looks really good, too, it's a cool color.

All right, I'm gonna turn the light out now, okay?

I love you.

That was just a character, okay?

(sighing)

(crickets chirping, owl hooting)

(Steve and women moaning)

(softly) Gear.

(moaning louder)

My sister had a friend

who was named after an Icelandic volcano.

Hey!

Mornin', sleepy head.

Hey, you were right about this chair, brother.

This swivel makes all the difference.

And by the way, I hope you don't mind

I made a real fire this morning.

Is that cool?

Thanks again, ladies, for getting the kindling.

(Amy) No problem.

Nothing like a little morning wood every once in a while.

(all laughing)

(Steve) Ho ho ho!

Morning, honey.

(kiss)

Jon, did you know that Eva is from Iceland?

Where, again?

Uh... Reykjavik.

Reykjavik. Reykjavik.

I like how you say that. Ah, excuse me.

Um, I would just like to remind everyone,

including Eva, that Eva is playing my wife

who is from Texas, not Iceland.

So she doesn't speak in an Icelandic accent anymore, okay?

She doesn't say "Reykjavik".

As far as we're concerned, Eva from Iceland is whatever,

is a cartoon character in a TV show...

that you could buy at the dollar store and give it to your kids

and they'll yell, "Yeah, this is so fun,"

and they throw it away.

Okay, I don't know who Eva from Iceland is.

That's my wife Leslie that I'm looking at.

It's not Leslie Glaser,

um, she didn't want to take my last name,

which I was 100% fine with.

I'm not, I'm not a dick about that kind of shit.

She didn't want to convert to Judaism,

although she did wanna put a mezuzah on our door.

She's more religious than I am, if anything.

But, uh, it does remind me of a funny joke.

So this guy buys a Lamborghini, right?

And he's a Jewish guy and he wants to put a mezuzah

on the car 'cause he thinks, oh, such a beautiful car...

So he seeks counsel, he goes to an orthodox rabbi...

The orthodox rabbi says, "What's a Lamborghini?"

The guy says, "Oh, it's an Italian sports car..."

And the rabbi says, "Not appropriate

to put a mezuzah on this car."

So he goes to see a conservative rabbi, explains the story...

Rabbi says, "What's a Lamborghini?"

...on the car, I think I could put a mezuzah on it.

The rabbi says no.

He goes to see a reformed rabbi

and the reformed rabbi says, "What's a mezuzah?"

(laughing)

Pretty funny, right?

Anyway, you guys need to refer to her as Leslie,

because we are trying to maintain a certain reality here,

for my reality show about how much I love gear,

including my chair that someone is sitting in.

So, from here on out, if we could just keep that in mind,

please, thank you.

All right, so, uh...

Hey, good morning, here we go!

I'm psyched!

I hope you guys haven't eaten breakfast

because I've got some de-licious organic eggs

from the farmer's market, and, uh,

some good sausages.

Yeah, you know what, I think we've had plenty of sausage

already this morning.

(snorting laughter)

Okay, you know what, I'm going for a walk.

Do you want me to go with you?

No.

Come on, Jon.

No, you come on, Jon, spurt!

I just want to be alone with my gear.

Oh... ow, (bleep).

Want me to help you with that?

No, I don't need help, I know what I'm doing.

See?

Oh, shit.

*

(Jon) I was really excited to try out

some of my sweet, new camping gear.

These cool walking sticks took my mind off the fact

that three out of four people on this camping trip

were (bleep) all night.

(squeaking)

The fine craftsmanship of this Audubon bird call

distracted me from the searing humiliation

and emasculation of being left out of a sex orgy.

These cool, tiny binoculars allowed me to not only

get a close-up view of a Eurasian Wryneck...

but also a bird's-eye view of three people (bleep)

inside a Geertop Double Layer 2 Person Tent.

(Steve) Ho ho ho!

And for the last mile of the hike,

the compact size and lightweight materials of this

tent stake mallet allowed me to fully focus on my rage.

(screaming)

(phone dings) Hello, Jon.

How's the camping trip going?

Steve (bleep) my wife, that's how the camping trip is!

You mean the Icelandic actress portraying your wife.

Same diff, Geary!

Sorry, Jon, I was just trying to help.

Geary...

Would you read the lyrics to

"Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms?

Of course.

And you can trust me not to think

and not to sleep around.

All right, that's enough.

Never mind, Geary, thank you.

I hate to see you so sad.

For the record, I would never do that to you

if I were your spurt.

Although if you really think about it,

I kind of already am your spurt.

Yeah, you know what?

That's true, you are, Geary.

To be honest, I never really thought you needed Steve.

You might be right, Geary.

I know I'm right, Jon.

Let's head back to camp, Geary.

Oh (bleep).

Extend and draw back to your anchor point,

line up that top pin with what you wanna shoot,

and release.

Hey, bull's-eye!

(chuckling)

That looks like fun.

Boy, it sure is beautiful out there in nature.

I saw some really great stuff.

Hey, spurt.

You know what, I was thinkin',

let's actually go hunt deer.

That sounds fun, we'll do it with your crossbow.

It's a compound bow-- Whatever.

Yeah, you know, I was out on my hike

and I just got really tuned in to nature and I thought,

this would be a great segment.

Great. Yeah, great, 'cause I suggested it.

Right.

Not now, Tim.

What we're doing is, we're really getting

inside the psychology of the animal.

Yeah.

Is he scared? Probably.

The track tells us everything.

Sure, all right, yeah, you want to follow the track.

And right here, here's a perfect example of a deer compression.

If you'll come over here, you'll see the oval

and the two halves of the hooves-- check it out,

it's perfect, come here. Yeah, I'll check it out.

Jon, what are you doing?

Jon, you...

You're not holding it right.

What?

You don't hold it like that, you need to hold it vertical.

Like this? No, that's horizontal as well,

just upside-down, vertical.

The limbs-- two limbs have to be just like that.

Oh, cool, yeah, oh, that's, oh, cool, man.

And it's a right-handed bow.

You need to switch your hands.

And don't grip the string like--

Jon, just put the bow down.

McMahon didn't (bleep) Carson's wife!

Shaffer didn't (bleep) Letterman's wife.

Andy Richter didn't (bleep) Conan's--

Hold on a second.

(phone dings)

Geary, dial Andy Richter.

Dialing Andy Richter.

(Andy on phone) Hey, Jon, how you doin'?

Hey, man, what's up?

Not much, just hangin' at work.

What are you up to?

Just hanging too, man.

How's LA? Good.

Yeah, about to grab some lunch.

Oh, nice, what are you gettin'?

I was thinkin' I might do Mexican.

Oh, Mexican, nice, man.

What's your go-to meal?

I was thinking about doing a chile relleno.

Oh, nice.

Dude, if you're going chile relleno, get the guac.

Oh, you like it with guac?

Trust me, man, it's so good.

It's a real nice combo of flavors.

Hey, real quick--

You ever (bleep) Conan's wife?

What? No!

All right, I didn't think so, thanks.

(phone beeps)

Jon, you are blowing this way out of proportion, man.

I mean, it's not like I screwed your real life wife.

Dude, if you can't get past this,

this is going to be a long shoot.

A long shoot-- we have ten more weeks, Jon.

(breathing deeply)

You're right, you're right, you're right.

Thank you.

You're fired.

What?

Hand over the uniform, spurt.

Or should I say Steve?

Because you're not my spurt anymore.

Thanks a lot, Jon.

Just don't (bleep) my wife next time.

She's not your real wife, dickhead!

(sighs) Wow.

One, two, three, four, five, six abs.

God damn it.

I'm also taking you out of the opening credits.

And I'm keeping this bow,

and I look (bleep) cool with it, man, yeah!

(birds chirping)

(knocking)

Oh, my-- Jon, seriously.

Just hear me out, hear me out, hold on.

Are you kidding me? I am sorry.

The other day, when I came in here with these guys,

that was 100% wrong, and I wanna make it up to you.

Kept warm and dry in case it rained, in my pocket,

two tickets to the hottest show in town, "Hamilton".

Oh, my-- oh, thank you!

Oh, my-- Jon!

I was feeling so under-appreciated

and like, I was the bad guy...

(phone vibrates) Jon, I'm sorry to interrupt...

Sorry, sorry, sorry. ...but you have to see something.

Uh, not now, Geary. What's going on?

Not a good time.

You have to check out the news.

Oh, my God.

* Wore the wrong material

(Leslie) What is it?

Paul Rudd is dead.

Oh, that's sad.

It says he died camping.

Oh, man, I don't think I can go out tonight.

Oh, my God.

Good-bye, Jon.

Oh, my God, this-- I mean, he was so good in "Ant-Man,"

wasn't he, Geary?

Yes, as well as "Neon Joe" and "Delocated".

(sobbing)

(bell dings)

Yeah!

I love when gear performs like it's supposed to!

Ge...