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1
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♪♪
2
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Remind me if I ever get married again
3
00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,604
to actually buy the photos
4
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,740
instead of just keeping
the photographer's samples.
5
00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,943
[THUDDING, SHATTERING]
6
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God. What are they up to now?
7
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,345
Stan and Jeff?
8
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,680
Not 100% sure, but I think
9
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,816
they're planning a surprise for me.
10
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Because whenever I come around,
11
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:21,085
they stop talking and leave the room.
12
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Babe! We're going on a bear hunt!
13
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:25,758
Oh, God. It's one of the
ones where they're friends.
14
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,559
Jeff and I are playing "Davy Crockett,"
15
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,362
and murdering bears is
a central part of that.
16
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,964
That and the fashion, obviously.
17
00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:33,899
I'm Davy, he's Crockett.
18
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,035
How 'bout that, Hayley?
19
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,839
Two city gals like us,
married to real frontiersmen.
20
00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:42,440
What are you talking about?
21
00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:43,842
Those two have been insufferable
22
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,311
ever since they watched that
"Mr. Rogers" episode
23
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:47,846
about "imagination."
24
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:49,113
Mm-mm.
25
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:52,717
You know that Fred Rogers can get down.
26
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:56,120
He could take his shoes
off and keep going.
27
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,255
Geez, Mom.
28
00:00:57,257 --> 00:01:00,859
Fine! Who's at the top
of your PBS bang list?
29
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,261
I bet you're a "Sesame Street" girl.
30
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:06,198
Cookie Monster... so obvious.
31
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,468
That guy in the trash can...
he's pretty hot.
32
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:10,935
Oh, I know.
33
00:01:10,937 --> 00:01:14,339
You want Bert and Ernie... two for one.
34
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That's good value, Hayley.
35
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Geez, Mom.
36
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:18,877
Relax.
37
00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:20,879
Someday, you'll be having
the same conversation
38
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with your daughter.
39
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,417
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
40
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
41
00:01:28,233 --> 00:01:31,913
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
42
00:01:31,948 --> 00:01:34,559
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
43
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:38,998
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
44
00:01:41,325 --> 00:01:44,102
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
45
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,971
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
46
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Aah!
47
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
48
00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,979
♪♪
49
00:01:54,981 --> 00:01:57,582
You'd probably want
to get with The Count.
50
00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,317
You love guys with accents.
51
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:02,721
You get all shy whenever we
go into that cellphone store.
52
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,857
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [COUGHS]
53
00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:06,991
Did you get sprayed by a skunk?
54
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:08,727
[LAUGHING] Yeah, but I got to tickle it
55
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,863
for five whole seconds first.
56
00:02:10,865 --> 00:02:13,098
Well, at least you told the truth.
57
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,166
Which means...
58
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,267
[SIGHS]
59
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,601
I owe you a Matchbox car.
60
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:17,802
I like Hot Wheels!
61
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,805
How many times do I have to tell you?!
62
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,474
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- I'm losing my mind.
63
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,076
Well, husbands are a lot of work.
64
00:02:24,078 --> 00:02:25,810
It doesn't seem to affect you.
65
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,679
I mean, Dad is running around
66
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,549
in a hat he made from
Steve's Rocket Raccoon toy.
67
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:31,884
STEVE: He did what?!
68
00:02:31,886 --> 00:02:34,553
You're right, Hayley.
I don't let it get to me.
69
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,621
And if you want, I can let you in
70
00:02:36,623 --> 00:02:38,623
on a little secret that's helped me.
71
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,092
Please do.
72
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:42,761
I'm better at being
married than you are.
73
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,497
- What?!
- I have lots of little secrets.
74
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,966
Like this bullfrog I keep in my hair.
75
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,636
His name is Clarke Michael Duncan.
76
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,373
Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!
77
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,775
- [CLICK, WHIRRING]
- Ooh, is someone bathing...
78
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,843
Oh, it's Jeff. Gross.
79
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,246
[SIGHS] Welp, back to standing silently
80
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:02,714
in the dark garage.
81
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,784
[CLICK, WHIRRING]
82
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,452
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
83
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:10,322
[SIGHS] Mom,
can you help me wash the skunk off Jeff?
84
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,523
He's being really squirmy.
85
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,458
Sorry, Hayley. I'm headed to Costco.
86
00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:14,727
Oh, great.
87
00:03:14,729 --> 00:03:16,661
Can you pick up those
big cans of tomato juice
88
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:17,662
to get the skunk out?
89
00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:18,863
Ooh, sorry.
90
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,399
This trip is just to pick up
91
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,867
two flats of Dan Brown hardbacks.
92
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,248
They burn so much cleaner than firewood.
93
00:03:25,283 --> 00:03:28,107
- But could you still...
- Uh... Eep, eep, eep!
94
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,143
[VEHICLE APPROACHES, HORN HONKS]
95
00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:33,278
[VEHICLE DOOR OPENS]
96
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,014
- Another clean getaway!
- [VEHICLE DOOR CLOSES]
97
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:39,351
[SIGHS] What would I do without my eeps?
98
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:41,219
[ENGINE REVS]
99
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,722
Why did she get on an airport shuttle?
100
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,559
Jeff, you're in charge of
cleaning your own privates.
101
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:50,562
- [ENGINE STARTS, TIRES SQUEAL]
- That's too much responsibility!
102
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,131
[CLICK, WHIRRING]
103
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,001
I'm a responsible guy.
104
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,005
- ♪♪
- _
105
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:02,073
[TIRES SCREECH]
106
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:08,880
♪♪
107
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,015
[KEYS JANGLING]
108
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,149
Park it!
109
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:14,153
You got it! That's how airports work!
110
00:04:17,663 --> 00:04:19,291
How did that woman go
through without a ticket?
111
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,159
She's part of our
Airport Angels program.
112
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:23,161
They assist people to
their gate who want help.
113
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:24,963
And they do it all for nothing,
114
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:27,299
except for the complimentary
Toblerone from Duty Free.
115
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,834
They say shape doesn't
make a difference,
116
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,502
but I think triangles taste better.
117
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,672
Great, great. Where do I sign
up for this Airport Angel B.S.?
118
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:38,977
Where did Mom go?
119
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,778
How the [BLEEP] would I know?
120
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,915
I'm just a sweet old lady.
121
00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:46,852
Ooh, there she is!
122
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:48,320
Hey, you idiot!
123
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,790
I'm supposed to be going to China,
not Albuquerque!
124
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:53,826
Oh!
125
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,663
Oh, it all worked out!
126
00:04:57,665 --> 00:04:59,397
I get to ride with my bags
127
00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:03,001
and have access to all
my hair gels and salsas!
128
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,270
Thank you, Airport Angel!
129
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:07,072
[GULPING]
130
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,874
- Mom?
- Eep, eep, eep...
131
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,408
[MUFFLED] Eep, eep, eep!
132
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,610
You're not gonna eep
your way out of this one.
133
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:14,146
What the hell is going on?
134
00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,348
Look, I never thought
I'd be caught here,
135
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:19,485
but in case I was,
I worked up a little song.
136
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:20,618
Hit it, Larry.
137
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,221
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
138
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♪ Being a wife in the world today ♪
139
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,026
♪ Sure can drain your soul ♪
140
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,696
♪ Your husband and your children suck ♪
141
00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:33,765
♪ And your alien's an asshole ♪
142
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,834
Alien? You have an alien?
143
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,903
♪ Sometimes you should escape ♪
144
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:42,040
♪ To a crappy airport bar ♪
145
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:47,779
♪ Where husbands don't
know where you are ♪
146
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:52,184
♪ Eep, eep, eep, eep,
eep, eep, eep, eep ♪
147
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:55,721
Did you know these napkins
are exact replicas of the ones
148
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,323
they use in the original
O'rrivals in Ireland?
149
00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,591
Why would I know that?
150
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:00,992
Wait. O'rrivals is a chain?
151
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,728
I thought it was just a bad pun.
152
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:03,795
Oh, no.
153
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,797
The flagship is in Dublin.
154
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,132
And it's a good pun.
155
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,267
Look, my photo's on the wall.
156
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:14,005
I got it from completing the
"Drinks of Dublin Tour."
157
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,941
♪ Sometimes you should escape ♪
158
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:20,946
♪ Where all the taps lead to Bud Lite ♪
159
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:26,017
♪ And the pilots get drunk pre-flight ♪
160
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,554
♪ Plastic forks and metal spoons ♪
161
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,889
♪ No one's quite sure why ♪
162
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,491
♪ But things are so much simpler here ♪
163
00:06:33,493 --> 00:06:35,894
♪ in Terminal Five ♪
164
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,897
- [SONG ENDS]
- This is your secret to being a patient wife?
165
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,365
Yes! It's so easy!
166
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,234
[SCOFFS] I can't believe you said
167
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,302
you were better at
being married than me.
168
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,838
Come on, Hayley. Give me this one thing.
169
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,241
You're so much better
at everything else.
170
00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:52,044
- Like what?!
- Like the stuff that matters.
171
00:06:52,046 --> 00:06:54,980
You have the Galaga
high score at the deli.
172
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,649
Don't you think that
burns me up at night?!
173
00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,251
That's Hayley Schmitterhaus!
174
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,987
She was abducted eight years
ago selling Girl Scout cookies.
175
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:05,190
Oh. Well, that makes me
feel a little better.
176
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,324
Wait.
177
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:07,392
Are you the Hayley
178
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:09,261
on the "Frogger" at the laundromat?
179
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:10,328
Yeah, that one's me.
180
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,598
10th place. Terrible score!
181
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,199
Let me give you some advice.
182
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:17,869
In "Frogger,"
some of those logs are alligators.
183
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:18,870
Chomp, chomp.
184
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:19,938
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
185
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,741
Oh. Jeff sat on his balls.
186
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,943
And he doesn't know what to do.
187
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,613
- "Stand... up."
- [CELLPHONE BLOOPS]
188
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,414
Pull up a stool, girl.
189
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,950
Jeff's floppy balls will
be there when you get home.
190
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,952
How do you know Jeff's balls are floppy?
191
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,254
I can hear 'em.
192
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,524
♪♪
193
00:07:40,082 --> 00:07:41,126
We probably don't need to bring
194
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,462
three different flavors of Triscuits,
do we?
195
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,997
You never know which flavor's
gonna give you the edge
196
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:49,000
when you tango with the big brown man.
197
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,270
- Is that what you call bears?
- Correct.
198
00:07:51,272 --> 00:07:53,272
Jeff, where did all my underwear go?
199
00:07:53,274 --> 00:07:54,606
Jeff, I'll get more supplies
200
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,675
while you negotiate
with this fur trapper.
201
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:59,945
[WHISPERING] I'm pretending Hayley's
a French-Canadian fur trapper.
202
00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:01,880
Time to negotiate.
203
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:05,083
I'll give you $50.
204
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,752
God, I hate this.
205
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:07,886
Come on!
206
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,088
I dressed Steve up as a bear
207
00:08:09,090 --> 00:08:11,957
and told him we were
playing hide-and-seek.
208
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,625
That looked like a real arrow.
209
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,160
A-Are they gonna hunt Steve?
210
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,897
Yes. And you know Steve's
just loving all the attention.
211
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,000
Shuttle's here!
212
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:23,902
[SIGHS]
213
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,236
What is it, hon?
214
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,706
Don't get me wrong. I-I love booze.
215
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,108
But all I can think about
216
00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:31,176
is how Jeff stretched
out all my underwear,
217
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,911
making them into slingshots.
218
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,713
I think it was your ass that did that.
219
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,915
- Mom!
- Lighten up, fat-ass!
220
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,984
That's how we razz at O'rrivals!
221
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,186
Is there a place I
can plug in my laptop?
222
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,455
See? He gets it.
223
00:08:43,457 --> 00:08:45,524
Hayley, this is our escape.
224
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:46,925
You need to unwind!
225
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,393
That's what I'm trying to do!
226
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:51,262
Well, I guess we need to step it up.
227
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,464
Ow! Why would you do that?!
228
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,266
Because when drinking doesn't work,
229
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:56,668
there's nothing like a bar fight
230
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:59,138
to make the rest of the world fade away.
231
00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:00,539
Oh, okay. Let's rumble.
232
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,341
[GRUNTS]
233
00:09:02,343 --> 00:09:04,143
Let the bitch out of the box, Hayles!
234
00:09:04,145 --> 00:09:06,211
I don't see how this is gonna help.
235
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,079
Do it. You'll feel better.
236
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,681
- [GRUNTS]
- Nice one!
237
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:10,415
[THUD]
238
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,551
That feels amazing! Who's next?
239
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,020
I-I'm just trying to get to Wisconsin
240
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,155
to bury my mother!
241
00:09:16,157 --> 00:09:18,023
Not on my watch.
242
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,091
[IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS]
243
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,027
This is great, Mom!
244
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,829
Hey, we're gonna need two more beers.
245
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:26,031
You got it, but happy hour's over.
246
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,699
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Happy hour's over.
247
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:28,834
That's our cue to go.
248
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:29,901
What? Why?
249
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,903
I-I was just starting to unwind.
250
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,438
Yeah, and that's all you need.
251
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,907
I mean, don't you feel you could go home
252
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,509
and deal with Jeff now?
253
00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:39,310
You know what? I do.
254
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,994
He accidentally saw Tuttle's
penis the other day,
255
00:09:42,029 --> 00:09:43,182
and I feel like I'm finally ready
256
00:09:43,184 --> 00:09:45,116
to have a frank talk with him about it.
257
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,451
It's really...
258
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:49,054
I-I can see he's
thinking about it a lot.
259
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,522
Attagirl!
260
00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:52,991
And don't worry.
We'll be back here tomorrow.
261
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,926
Okay.
262
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,928
What airline you flying, chump?
263
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,329
[GROANING] Frontier.
264
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,899
Good. They'll finish the job.
265
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:09,474
♪♪
266
00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:13,278
JEFF: Hey, babe,
I owe you one tube of toothpaste.
267
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,480
Needed it to seal our canoe.
268
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,948
Damn it, Jeff.
269
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,083
Well, joke's on him.
270
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:20,219
I don't use toothpaste.
271
00:10:22,223 --> 00:10:24,756
Oh, hey, babe. I owe you one toothbrush.
272
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:27,358
Needed it for brushing
my teeth in the canoe.
273
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,295
Ugh! This canoe is hounding me!
274
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,497
But at least I still
have my trusty tampons.
275
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,499
I'll just brush my
teeth with one of those.
276
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,768
Little trick I read in Vogue.
277
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:37,836
Right, ladies?
278
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,438
[DING!]
279
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:41,573
Me again, babe.
280
00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:43,775
I owe you a hundred tampoons.
281
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:46,045
I used a bottle of nail
polish to paint them red
282
00:10:46,047 --> 00:10:47,579
'cause I needed dynamite.
283
00:10:49,050 --> 00:10:50,315
...to blow up my canoe.
284
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:51,716
- Daaahh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
285
00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:53,985
You're not gonna destroy
that box, are you?
286
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,386
Relax. I could sit on that
287
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,188
while I'm waiting for
something to happen.
288
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,323
[SNIFFING]
289
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,525
Damn! Your breath is kickin', girl.
290
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,227
Ever heard of tampons?
291
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,530
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
292
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,466
Water.
293
00:11:07,468 --> 00:11:08,400
[GULPING]
294
00:11:08,402 --> 00:11:10,969
Look! Rogu found water!
295
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,204
[RUSTLING]
296
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,205
On your toes, men.
297
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:15,941
We're deep in bear country.
298
00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,342
[GROWLING]
299
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,010
- That sounds like a real bear!
- Run!
300
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,947
[RUSTLING, GROWLING CONTINUE]
301
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:22,948
[BELCHES]
302
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,950
Just crushed 38 O'Doul's.
303
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:27,018
That's equal to two Coors Lights.
304
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,620
That's like one Corona.
305
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:30,089
I'm feelin' it!
306
00:11:30,091 --> 00:11:32,824
Aww. Is that a little coonskin cap?
307
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,559
Rat skin.
308
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:37,228
You're sending my
ovaries into hyperdrive.
309
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,697
How'd you like a little sister?
310
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:41,366
Rogu eat sister.
311
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,203
[LAUGHING] O-Only you, Rogu.
312
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,771
Francine! There's a bear outside!
313
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:49,174
It sounded big and mean
and wanted to eat us!
314
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:51,189
Ooh, sounds scary!
315
00:11:51,224 --> 00:11:52,688
Wanna hide under the covers?
316
00:11:52,723 --> 00:11:54,245
Uh-huh.
317
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,781
Can you put up the force field?
318
00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,316
Force field up.
319
00:11:57,318 --> 00:11:58,517
Make the sound.
320
00:11:58,519 --> 00:12:00,986
Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-
Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh.
321
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,253
[SIGHS]
322
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,388
[SNORING]
323
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,256
What about me, Mrs. S?
324
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:06,858
Go to your room and have Hayley
325
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,459
put up a force field for you.
326
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,796
She's not here. She went to Costco.
327
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,263
Eep.
328
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,466
Now, open up that force field,
329
00:12:14,468 --> 00:12:16,868
or we're all gonna get blown to bits!
330
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,604
[GROANS]
331
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:25,144
Guys! I made a big dent in my
paperwork and earned a break!
332
00:12:25,146 --> 00:12:26,812
Can I play Davy Crockett with you?
333
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:29,148
Klaus loser.
334
00:12:29,150 --> 00:12:30,482
[LAUGHS]
335
00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:32,551
Rogu's in there with you guys?!
336
00:12:32,553 --> 00:12:34,686
Everything sucks since he got here!
337
00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:37,622
He's supposed to be helping
with Roger's personas!
338
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:39,024
Roger!
339
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,827
Rogu isn't doing his job!
340
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,096
[GULPING]
341
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,632
[SLURRING] I did it.
342
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:50,569
I finished the "Drinks of Dublin Tour."
343
00:12:50,571 --> 00:12:53,305
Now take my picture
and put it on the wall!
344
00:12:55,376 --> 00:12:57,509
Wait, wait, wait. Which is better?
345
00:12:57,511 --> 00:12:58,910
Like this...
346
00:12:58,912 --> 00:12:59,978
or like this?
347
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,312
[BELCHES]
348
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,515
- [VOMITS]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
349
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,386
Just lovely.
350
00:13:07,388 --> 00:13:08,387
Hayley.
351
00:13:08,389 --> 00:13:10,189
I know this is a nice escape,
352
00:13:10,191 --> 00:13:12,257
but you can't spend all your time
353
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:15,194
with a bunch of losers
at a fake Irish bar.
354
00:13:15,196 --> 00:13:16,395
No offense, Jason.
355
00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:17,396
None taken.
356
00:13:17,398 --> 00:13:18,663
This is just part-time
357
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,599
while I plan my terrorist stuff.
358
00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:23,334
I told you, being here for happy hour
359
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,470
is all the escape a wife should need.
360
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:28,473
I get it, Mom! You're the perfect wife!
361
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,876
You know exactly how many hours a day
362
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:33,478
to avoid your husband
at the airport bar.
363
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,280
You're June [BLEEP] Cleaver!
364
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:37,549
Oh! References, huh?
365
00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:39,551
All right, Pauly Shore,
366
00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:42,888
let's get you back to "Shutter Island."
367
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:43,889
Boo!
368
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:45,490
Pbbbbbbht!
369
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,559
That's your best comeback?
370
00:13:47,561 --> 00:13:48,627
Millennials!
371
00:13:48,629 --> 00:13:49,628
Right, Jason?
372
00:13:49,630 --> 00:13:52,631
Right! Blow 'em sky high, I say!
373
00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:54,600
- What?
- Good night!
374
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,103
♪♪
375
00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,370
[PILLS RATTLE]
376
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,706
Wake up, sleepyhead.
377
00:14:00,708 --> 00:14:02,974
I'm sure you're feeling a little ragged,
378
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,976
but it's almost noon.
379
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:05,977
[GASPS]
380
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:08,113
You got Rogu'd.
381
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,481
Every damn time!
382
00:14:10,251 --> 00:14:11,250
What is this?
383
00:14:11,252 --> 00:14:13,704
Real life.
384
00:14:13,739 --> 00:14:16,255
HAYLEY: Dear Mom,
I thought about what you said.
385
00:14:16,257 --> 00:14:19,591
You're right. Happy hour
should be enough for a wife.
386
00:14:19,593 --> 00:14:21,860
Oh, wow. I got through to her.
387
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,545
Keep reading.
388
00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:26,397
But it's not enough for me.
389
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,800
You are better at being
married than I am.
390
00:14:28,802 --> 00:14:30,802
I shouldn't even be married.
391
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:33,509
So, I'm escaping
to where no one can find me.
392
00:14:33,544 --> 00:14:36,541
The original O'rrivals
in Ireland, Europe.
393
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,277
- Ohh!
- P.S.
394
00:14:38,279 --> 00:14:41,546
Rogu is allowed to eat as
much raw pasta as he wants.
395
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,283
Rogu, I know you wrote that last part.
396
00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:46,084
Bwaaah-ha!
397
00:14:47,006 --> 00:14:48,887
HAYLEY: Flying to Ireland.
398
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:51,089
That's what I should've done!
399
00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:53,292
I was in an airport all week.
400
00:14:53,294 --> 00:14:55,694
I, too, should be flying to Ireland.
401
00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:58,563
I'm a pilot. I like handles, not wheels.
402
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,565
I like radar, not sonar.
403
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:04,169
I wanna be up with the stars,
not down with the starfish!
404
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,504
I should be sailing!
405
00:15:05,506 --> 00:15:09,440
I like fishing nets,
not Gogo Inflight Internet!
406
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,577
BOTH: But we both like galleys.
407
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,381
[SHIP HORN BLOWS]
408
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:19,251
Wow. My adventure begins.
409
00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:20,919
None of my troubles can find me here.
410
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,521
Not Jeff, not Mom,
411
00:15:22,523 --> 00:15:25,990
not even that infernal Rogu,
the King of Pranks.
412
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:28,460
Oh, I can't wait to get
to the original O'rrivals
413
00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:30,696
and party my tits off!
414
00:15:31,532 --> 00:15:33,465
- [COUGHING]
- 'Sup, party people?!
415
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,267
My lucky charms!
416
00:15:35,269 --> 00:15:37,001
Freckle freaks!
417
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:38,737
My Irish ragers!
418
00:15:38,739 --> 00:15:41,139
- [SAD MUSIC PLAYS]
- I hope it's happy hour!
419
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,474
What?
420
00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:44,295
You know... happy hour.
421
00:15:44,330 --> 00:15:46,211
Where the drinks are cheap
and the apps are half off.
422
00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:47,279
Ah.
423
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:49,882
Around here, we call it "sad hour."
424
00:15:49,884 --> 00:15:52,817
'Cause that's when we take
a two-hour break to be sad
425
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:55,487
instead of bone-crushingly depressed.
426
00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:56,689
Kewl-kewl!
427
00:15:56,691 --> 00:15:58,623
Beer and a slippery nip, please.
428
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,425
I'm gonna get the lay of the land
429
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,594
from the local folks.
430
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,497
Why the frown, James Brown?
431
00:16:05,499 --> 00:16:08,032
The bank took my family farm.
432
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:11,236
I hear ya. My husband's
been wearing a stupid hat.
433
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:12,571
- [GLASSES CLINK]
- To us!
434
00:16:12,573 --> 00:16:14,306
Why so sad, Sinbad?
435
00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:15,507
Me wife left me.
436
00:16:15,509 --> 00:16:16,909
That's nothing.
437
00:16:16,911 --> 00:16:19,444
My husband's obsessed with his canoe.
438
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:20,779
[GLASSES CLINK]
439
00:16:20,781 --> 00:16:23,315
Why the sorrow, Benicio del Toro?
440
00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,117
Cat got your tongue, Connie Chung?
441
00:16:25,119 --> 00:16:26,651
Cancer took her tongue.
442
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,120
I wanted a slippery nipple.
443
00:16:28,122 --> 00:16:31,656
And I wanted a face shape
that's good for sunglasses,
444
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,792
but life is cruel.
445
00:16:33,794 --> 00:16:34,793
Jukebox!
446
00:16:34,795 --> 00:16:36,394
Let's kick this up a notch.
447
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:37,996
It only plays this song.
448
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,065
That and Ireland's national anthem...
449
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,400
"Steal My Sunshine."
450
00:16:41,402 --> 00:16:42,801
O... kay.
451
00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,336
You guys are bummers!
452
00:16:44,338 --> 00:16:46,540
[GASPS] I know what you need.
453
00:16:46,575 --> 00:16:48,607
A little secret my mom taught me.
454
00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:49,608
Lady shove!
455
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:51,209
♪ I was lying on the grass ♪
456
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:54,679
♪ Of Sunday morning of last week ♪
457
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:55,680
We're doing it!
458
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,850
♪ ...in my self-defeat ♪
459
00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:02,887
Hey, Mrs. S,
460
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,490
I know you said Hayley
went out to get me a toy,
461
00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:06,891
but I'm getting worried.
462
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,427
It's been seven mailmans.
463
00:17:08,429 --> 00:17:11,397
Jeff, have a snack and stop worrying.
464
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:14,032
Mmm.
465
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:15,300
Thanks, Mrs. S.
466
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,302
This is way better than worrying.
467
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:18,436
Wait a second.
468
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,639
Did you... actually stop worrying?
469
00:17:20,641 --> 00:17:22,174
Yeah. You told me to.
470
00:17:22,176 --> 00:17:23,241
Huh.
471
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,310
Jeff, sit down.
472
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:26,911
Stand up.
473
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,447
- Be happy.
- [CHUCKLES]
474
00:17:28,449 --> 00:17:29,982
- Be sad.
- [WHIMPERS]
475
00:17:29,984 --> 00:17:31,249
Be Larry King.
476
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,717
[DEEP VOICE] Boston, you're on the air.
477
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,052
Stan! Come here!
478
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,454
STAN: You can't tell me what to do!
479
00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:38,523
Exactly. He never does what I say.
480
00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:40,058
But you do!
481
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:42,460
Pack your bags.
We're going to get Hayley.
482
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:43,662
[NORMAL VOICE] Gotcha, Mrs. S!
483
00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:45,730
Wait. Pack my bags, too.
484
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,540
Will do. How many staplers
do you want to bring?
485
00:17:48,575 --> 00:17:50,869
Never mind. I'll pack for both of us.
486
00:17:50,871 --> 00:17:52,871
Like with all my Barry Manilow albums,
487
00:17:52,873 --> 00:17:55,441
there's really gonna
be room for staplers.
488
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,077
More deserters.
489
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,079
We're the last two men at the Alamo.
490
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,682
Rogu love dessert.
491
00:18:03,684 --> 00:18:06,618
Remember the a la mode. [ALAMO]
492
00:18:06,620 --> 00:18:08,620
Rogu, everything's a joke to you,
493
00:18:08,622 --> 00:18:10,288
and I don't mind that.
494
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,691
♪♪
495
00:18:12,693 --> 00:18:16,161
Why so weepy, Meryl Streepy?
496
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,163
Well, the fight was fun, and it was cool
497
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,432
when that nun started
swinging that chain around,
498
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,167
but now I just feel empty.
499
00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:25,704
I miss Jeff,
even if he can be a pain in the ass.
500
00:18:25,706 --> 00:18:26,971
I'm going home.
501
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:28,841
You're not going anywhere.
502
00:18:28,843 --> 00:18:30,509
You broke my jukebox.
503
00:18:30,511 --> 00:18:32,377
You have to work off what you owe me...
504
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,380
4,500 Irish Money Units.
505
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:37,249
Well, that's a bummer.
506
00:18:37,251 --> 00:18:38,517
...Christopher Plummer.
507
00:18:38,519 --> 00:18:39,984
JEFF: Babe!
508
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:40,985
Jeff!
509
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,587
What are you guys doing here?
510
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,389
I came to say I'm sorry.
511
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:45,590
For what?
512
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:47,192
For giving you bad advice.
513
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,529
I told you the only way to
be happy in your marriage
514
00:18:50,531 --> 00:18:51,930
was to have an escape.
515
00:18:51,932 --> 00:18:53,665
But that's my marriage.
516
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:56,935
When your dad annoys me,
I can't stop him.
517
00:18:56,937 --> 00:18:58,670
That's why I have to get away.
518
00:18:58,672 --> 00:19:01,406
But Jeff... if he starts to annoy you,
519
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:02,741
just tell him what you want.
520
00:19:02,743 --> 00:19:04,209
It's not that simple, Mrs. S.
521
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,879
- Corner.
- Love to be where those two walls meet!
522
00:19:06,881 --> 00:19:09,548
See? You're gonna be happy
when you come home
523
00:19:09,550 --> 00:19:11,750
if you just tell Jeff what to do.
524
00:19:11,752 --> 00:19:12,951
Now let's go.
525
00:19:12,953 --> 00:19:14,152
BARTENDER: She can't go anywhere.
526
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:17,622
Not until I get my 4,500 McBucks.
527
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,624
This dude's hella dead.
528
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:20,959
Hold my Fitbit.
529
00:19:20,961 --> 00:19:23,896
Actually, no.
I want credit for this ass-kicking.
530
00:19:23,898 --> 00:19:26,231
JEFF: [CHUCKLING] Are you
guys seeing this corner?
531
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,432
Wait a second, Mom.
532
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,967
Maybe there's another way.
533
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,326
Hi. I'm Jeff. I work here
because my wife asked me to.
534
00:19:32,361 --> 00:19:33,572
I'm not allowed to bring up leprechauns.
535
00:19:33,574 --> 00:19:35,107
Can I take your order?
536
00:19:35,109 --> 00:19:37,242
That was good,
but you still mentioned the leprechauns.
537
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,844
I saw one in the urinal! It bit me!
538
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:40,979
I think you're right.
539
00:19:40,981 --> 00:19:43,115
Jeff will do fine working off your debt.
540
00:19:43,117 --> 00:19:45,384
And all you had to do was tell him to.
541
00:19:45,386 --> 00:19:47,319
Thanks for taking my place.
542
00:19:47,321 --> 00:19:49,521
I love you. Remember that.
543
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:51,456
And that's a Goddamn order.
544
00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:52,857
I love you, too.
545
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,627
Because I may be a moron...
546
00:19:58,198 --> 00:19:59,531
Yes?
547
00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:00,733
Yes.
548
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,540
Mom, you're back!
549
00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:10,342
Enemy reinforcements, Rogu.
550
00:20:10,344 --> 00:20:12,210
The Alamo must not fall!
551
00:20:12,947 --> 00:20:17,750
Rogu going to Hell,
but he not going alone.
552
00:20:17,752 --> 00:20:19,551
[SCREAMING MANICALLY]
553
00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:21,486
One more drink at O'rrivals?
554
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:22,687
Why stop at one?
555
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,623
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
556
00:20:25,626 --> 00:20:28,360
STEVE: Why do you keep leaving?!
557
00:20:28,362 --> 00:20:30,229
Have a great night.
558
00:20:32,182 --> 00:20:34,248
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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