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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,857 --> 00:00:02,517 My phone is moving slow as shit. 2 00:00:02,562 --> 00:00:03,961 Is it? 'Cause mine's 3 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,147 - going super slow, too. Yeah. - Really? 4 00:00:06,190 --> 00:00:07,983 I heard if you just do the new software update, 5 00:00:08,026 --> 00:00:09,950 - then everything moves faster. - Oh, there's a new update? 6 00:00:09,994 --> 00:00:11,742 - Yeah, yeah. Just go to settings. - Uh-huh. 7 00:00:11,787 --> 00:00:13,186 - Uh-huh. Is that the little gear thing? - And then... Yep. 8 00:00:13,229 --> 00:00:15,110 And then just click update. 9 00:00:15,153 --> 00:00:16,421 How long's it gonna take? 10 00:00:16,465 --> 00:00:18,126 Uh, says 30 minutes. 11 00:00:18,170 --> 00:00:20,093 - What? - What?! - What? 12 00:00:20,138 --> 00:00:22,017 What are we gonna do without our phones for 30 minutes? 13 00:00:22,061 --> 00:00:23,722 We don't need the phones. 14 00:00:23,766 --> 00:00:26,433 Maybe... Oh. What if we just kick back 15 00:00:26,476 --> 00:00:28,400 and remember some of the good old days? 16 00:00:28,444 --> 00:00:30,106 No. What? 17 00:00:30,149 --> 00:00:31,504 No, no, no, no. Come on, what are you talking about? 18 00:00:31,549 --> 00:00:33,297 Look, we can think of something to do. 19 00:00:33,341 --> 00:00:36,008 - I don't know, it does sound kind of fun. - That's what you do 20 00:00:36,052 --> 00:00:37,145 when you start getting old. 21 00:00:37,188 --> 00:00:39,112 You know, you start reliving the glory days 22 00:00:39,156 --> 00:00:40,992 'cause you can't think of anything new to do. 23 00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:42,740 Do you remember the time that I sewed myself 24 00:00:42,785 --> 00:00:44,227 into the couch naked? 25 00:00:44,271 --> 00:00:45,714 - Uh, yes. Remember? - Oh. 26 00:00:45,757 --> 00:00:47,813 - Oh, great, now you've... 27 00:00:47,856 --> 00:00:51,266 Oh, what in the hell? 28 00:00:51,311 --> 00:00:54,502 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - Oh, God! Oh, God! 29 00:00:55,376 --> 00:00:56,863 - Oh, no. - What is happening? 30 00:00:56,906 --> 00:00:58,568 Can't breathe. 31 00:00:58,612 --> 00:00:59,923 - Too hot. - Why are you naked, Frank? 32 00:00:59,967 --> 00:01:03,114 - It was too hot. Leather couch. - Okay. But did you hear? 33 00:01:03,158 --> 00:01:05,476 - She called you an asshole. - She called you an asshole, Frank. 34 00:01:05,519 --> 00:01:07,312 No air. No air. 35 00:01:07,356 --> 00:01:10,504 - Air! Air! - God! 36 00:01:37,742 --> 00:01:39,053 I was running down the street. 37 00:01:39,097 --> 00:01:41,633 I was, I was naked. I didn't feel the cold. 38 00:01:41,677 --> 00:01:43,601 I-I was just sweating bullets. 39 00:01:43,644 --> 00:01:45,174 Slimy. 40 00:01:45,218 --> 00:01:46,967 And the way you tell that, it's like I was there. 41 00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:49,722 - And I was not there. I was not there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 42 00:01:49,765 --> 00:01:51,120 - We were there, and it was like that. - Hey, guys. 43 00:01:51,164 --> 00:01:53,744 Yeah, we were there. Guys, guys, uh, what about this memory? 44 00:01:53,787 --> 00:01:57,591 Uh, hola, estúpidos. 45 00:01:57,635 --> 00:01:59,733 - What is that? What is that from? - What are you doing? 46 00:01:59,777 --> 00:02:02,400 Um, can I ask you a question? 47 00:02:02,443 --> 00:02:03,843 You're just doing a bad accent? 48 00:02:03,887 --> 00:02:05,636 - What, what...? - That's not... No? - Yeah. 49 00:02:05,679 --> 00:02:07,034 - That's not really a memory. - You're remembering the time 50 00:02:07,079 --> 00:02:08,653 you burned a Mexican's house down? 51 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,664 - No, no, not that one. I was doing a character. - Oh. 52 00:02:10,707 --> 00:02:12,675 I was thinking we could remember all my hilarious characters 53 00:02:12,718 --> 00:02:14,861 - that I've created. - You've never had any. 54 00:02:14,904 --> 00:02:16,653 Now, hang on a second. You've created characters? 55 00:02:16,697 --> 00:02:18,140 What are you talking about? 56 00:02:18,183 --> 00:02:20,938 Y-You don't remember Taiwan Tammy? 57 00:02:20,982 --> 00:02:22,512 - Oh! Oh, my goodness. - Oh! You can't do that. 58 00:02:22,555 --> 00:02:24,479 - You can't... 59 00:02:24,523 --> 00:02:25,835 - No, that's right. - All right. 60 00:02:25,878 --> 00:02:28,808 Well, what about my Saint Patrick's Day? The... 61 00:02:28,852 --> 00:02:29,988 I'm Crazy Pad... 62 00:02:30,032 --> 00:02:31,343 Oh. 63 00:02:31,387 --> 00:02:33,398 Oh! Yes! 64 00:02:33,442 --> 00:02:34,885 - Oh, wow. That was hilarious. - Wow. 65 00:02:34,928 --> 00:02:36,896 - That was funny. - Ow! 66 00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:38,207 - Ooh, ooh, guys! I got an idea. - Ooh! 67 00:02:38,252 --> 00:02:40,393 Why don't we remember all the times 68 00:02:40,437 --> 00:02:42,012 No. What? What? 69 00:02:42,055 --> 00:02:43,629 I'm not doing that, okay? No. 70 00:02:43,672 --> 00:02:45,465 I-It's too late. I'm already remembering it. 71 00:02:48,789 --> 00:02:50,800 Holy shi... 72 00:02:53,510 --> 00:02:55,434 I found the kittens. 73 00:02:55,477 --> 00:02:57,663 Oh, come on! 74 00:03:06,626 --> 00:03:09,949 I wanted to, uh... 75 00:03:11,436 --> 00:03:13,622 Oh. Upsy-daisy. 76 00:03:16,157 --> 00:03:17,425 You guys are exaggerating. 77 00:03:17,469 --> 00:03:19,218 You weren't even there for half of that. 78 00:03:19,261 --> 00:03:20,879 It's just how we remember it, Dee. I mean... 79 00:03:20,923 --> 00:03:23,458 You can't, you can't beat physical comedy memories. 80 00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:24,901 - They're timeless. - Yeah, yeah. 81 00:03:24,945 --> 00:03:26,038 Oh, you know what? Let's remember 82 00:03:26,082 --> 00:03:27,918 all, like, the classic times. 83 00:03:27,962 --> 00:03:29,449 - You know, like, - Yeah. 84 00:03:30,804 --> 00:03:33,077 Ho ho ho ho. 85 00:03:33,121 --> 00:03:34,739 Well, hello, and Merry Christmas. 86 00:03:36,138 --> 00:03:39,155 So, where's your little one? Oh. 87 00:03:39,198 --> 00:03:42,172 Ho ho ho ho. You're a big boy, aren't you? 88 00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:45,276 Uh, is he ? 89 00:03:46,237 --> 00:03:47,418 I got this one. 90 00:03:47,462 --> 00:03:50,871 So, son, what would you like for Christmas? 91 00:03:50,915 --> 00:03:52,882 Huh? 92 00:03:52,927 --> 00:03:54,850 Did you fuck my mom? 93 00:03:56,512 --> 00:03:57,299 What? 94 00:03:58,436 --> 00:04:00,272 Did you fuck... 95 00:04:00,315 --> 00:04:03,419 my mom? 96 00:04:03,464 --> 00:04:05,912 What do you mean? I, uh... 97 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,529 Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? 98 00:04:07,573 --> 00:04:09,453 - Mm-mm. - Did you fuck my mom? 99 00:04:09,497 --> 00:04:10,677 - No, I... - Did you fuck her? 100 00:04:10,721 --> 00:04:12,951 - No, I... - Did you fuck my fucking mom? 101 00:04:12,994 --> 00:04:14,350 Did you fuck my mom, Santa?! 102 00:04:15,443 --> 00:04:16,449 He's biting my neck! 103 00:04:16,492 --> 00:04:17,979 Wait, you're gonna kill him! 104 00:04:18,022 --> 00:04:20,384 - He's biting my neck! - You're gonna kill Santa Claus! 105 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,525 Brakes. No. Guys, why aren't the brakes working? 106 00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:25,761 Because I cut the brakes. Wild card, bitches! 107 00:04:25,804 --> 00:04:27,772 Yee-haw! 108 00:04:27,816 --> 00:04:29,783 - What? Charlie! - What?! 109 00:04:29,827 --> 00:04:32,538 - Seriously? What?! - Abort! Abort! Abort! 110 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,823 You want to maybe put this divider up? 111 00:04:36,866 --> 00:04:39,664 Well, no. We don't want to exclude a great man like Frank 112 00:04:39,708 --> 00:04:41,719 from the conversa... 113 00:04:41,763 --> 00:04:43,862 Oh, my God! 114 00:04:43,905 --> 00:04:46,485 - Call 911! - Oh, no, it's okay. 115 00:04:46,529 --> 00:04:48,583 I have a touch of consumption. 116 00:04:52,999 --> 00:04:54,573 - That seems really dark. - No, no, it's not dark. 117 00:04:54,617 --> 00:04:56,191 - You're misunderstanding me, bro. Okay? - I-I... 118 00:04:56,234 --> 00:04:57,633 - I think I am. - Yeah, you are. 119 00:04:57,678 --> 00:04:58,814 Because if the girl said no, then the answer, 120 00:04:58,858 --> 00:05:00,169 - obviously, is no. - No. 121 00:05:00,213 --> 00:05:01,830 - Right. - But the thing is is she's not gonna say no. 122 00:05:01,875 --> 00:05:04,542 She would never say no because of the implication. 123 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,438 Now, you... you've said that word "implication" 124 00:05:09,481 --> 00:05:12,236 a couple of times. W-What implication? 125 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,685 The implication that things might go wrong for her 126 00:05:14,728 --> 00:05:16,302 if she refuses to sleep with me. 127 00:05:16,346 --> 00:05:18,313 Now, not that things aregonna go wrong for her, 128 00:05:18,357 --> 00:05:20,543 - but she's thinking that they will. - Are you gonna hurt women? 129 00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:21,899 - I'm not gonna hurt these women. - Oh, okay. 130 00:05:21,942 --> 00:05:23,691 - Why would I ever hurt these women? - I don't know. 131 00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:25,571 - I feel like you're not getting this at all. - I'm not getting it. 132 00:05:25,615 --> 00:05:28,763 I am gonna punch a hole through your face. 133 00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:30,905 I'd like to see you try that. 134 00:05:30,949 --> 00:05:33,966 I don't feel we're reading as eagles. 135 00:05:34,009 --> 00:05:36,239 No, bro. We look like assholes. 136 00:05:36,282 --> 00:05:37,988 They didn't turn out the way that I had envisioned. 137 00:05:38,031 --> 00:05:39,737 I'm getting more of a chicken vibe. 138 00:05:41,048 --> 00:05:42,360 Oh, hey, Dee. 139 00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:47,606 You know, you and me palling around. 140 00:05:47,650 --> 00:05:50,492 Getting nuts. Doing crazy... 141 00:05:50,535 --> 00:05:52,022 I'm not doing any kind of things 142 00:05:52,066 --> 00:05:54,033 that you want me to do with you, Uncle Jack. 143 00:05:54,077 --> 00:05:55,782 And action. 144 00:05:55,826 --> 00:05:57,137 I'll read the words you wrote. 145 00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,799 "Hello, fellow American. 146 00:05:58,843 --> 00:06:00,766 "This you should vote me. 147 00:06:00,810 --> 00:06:02,953 "I leave power. Good. 148 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,964 Thank you." 149 00:06:05,007 --> 00:06:06,057 Thank you. 150 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:08,942 "Taxes, they'll be lower... son. 151 00:06:08,986 --> 00:06:11,871 "The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do, 152 00:06:11,916 --> 00:06:14,888 Philadelphia, so do." 153 00:06:14,932 --> 00:06:16,768 I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes 154 00:06:16,812 --> 00:06:18,167 - directly into that wall. - Mm-hmm. 155 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,053 The last possible second, we jump out to safety, 156 00:06:21,096 --> 00:06:22,234 and we're dead to the world. 157 00:06:22,277 --> 00:06:24,070 Okeydokey. Good luck with that. 158 00:06:24,113 --> 00:06:25,425 Wait, where are you going, dude? 159 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,704 Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna watch you do it. 160 00:06:28,747 --> 00:06:30,758 - No, we need to do it together. - I'm not really doing anything. 161 00:06:30,803 --> 00:06:32,507 Well, yes, you are, Charlie. You're here for moral support 162 00:06:32,552 --> 00:06:33,950 - on top of that. - I know, but if no one's actually seeing us 163 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,262 jump out of the car, whatever, it's not exciting. 164 00:06:35,306 --> 00:06:37,186 Well, it's... We're gonna kill ourselves together. 165 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,672 - I'm gonna watch you. All right. - Get out, get out, get out! 166 00:06:38,716 --> 00:06:40,115 I'll do it myself. Get out! 167 00:06:40,159 --> 00:06:41,689 The whole thing's really better without me anyway, Mac. 168 00:06:41,732 --> 00:06:43,219 I'm telling you, it's gonna be great without me. 169 00:06:43,263 --> 00:06:45,537 - All right, buddy, good luck. - Pussy. 170 00:06:55,418 --> 00:06:57,254 Mac? 171 00:06:57,297 --> 00:06:58,478 Holy shit, dude! 172 00:06:58,522 --> 00:07:00,095 - Are you all right? - Yeah. 173 00:07:00,139 --> 00:07:01,364 - Why didn't you jump out? - I'm okay. 174 00:07:01,407 --> 00:07:03,243 ♪ Freedom♪ 175 00:07:03,288 --> 00:07:06,260 ♪ Hold on to my freedom♪ 176 00:07:06,304 --> 00:07:08,315 ♪ My freedom♪ 177 00:07:08,359 --> 00:07:10,545 ♪ You've got to give for what you take♪ 178 00:07:10,589 --> 00:07:14,654 ♪ Freedom♪ 179 00:07:14,699 --> 00:07:16,578 ♪ Freedom...♪ 180 00:07:20,032 --> 00:07:21,693 Hey, dude, I can't... I-I can't... 181 00:07:21,738 --> 00:07:23,355 I can't do any of this shit anymore. 182 00:07:23,399 --> 00:07:24,798 - Okay? I'm... I'm leaving. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 183 00:07:24,842 --> 00:07:26,591 No, hold on a second. You can't just leave. 184 00:07:26,634 --> 00:07:27,858 - Dennis. - Yeah, dude. What-what about us? 185 00:07:27,902 --> 00:07:29,433 I mean, what about... what about the bar? 186 00:07:29,476 --> 00:07:31,093 Good-bye, Paddy's Pub. 187 00:07:31,137 --> 00:07:34,023 Good-bye, Philadelphia. Good-bye, Charlie. 188 00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:36,515 Mac, Dee, Frank. 189 00:07:36,559 --> 00:07:38,570 The bar is done. 190 00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:43,948 Good-bye, Philadelphia. 191 00:07:45,915 --> 00:07:47,664 Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. What...? 192 00:07:47,708 --> 00:07:49,675 - What the hell was that? - Yeah. 193 00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:51,292 What was that? I am not an ostrich. 194 00:07:51,336 --> 00:07:52,692 Yeah. No, no, no, that's not what I'm talking about. 195 00:07:52,736 --> 00:07:54,396 I'm talking about the last memory 196 00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:55,883 where Mac turned the lights off to the bar. 197 00:07:55,927 --> 00:07:58,113 Yeah, what about it? 198 00:07:58,156 --> 00:08:00,780 Well, that never happened. I-Iturned the lights off. 199 00:08:00,824 --> 00:08:02,660 No, that's not how I remember it. 200 00:08:02,704 --> 00:08:04,452 No, Mac, that's not what happened. 201 00:08:04,496 --> 00:08:06,770 - Yeah, thank you, Dee. - Pretty sure I turned the lights off. 202 00:08:06,814 --> 00:08:08,868 Oh, right. Yes, it was you, and then I flipped them back on. 203 00:08:08,912 --> 00:08:10,705 Yeah. Yeah, and I was like, "No! Get him out here. 204 00:08:10,749 --> 00:08:12,279 - Let him go." - Yeah, actually, we did a great bit. 205 00:08:12,322 --> 00:08:14,203 We're like... ♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah, ah, ah, ah.♪ 206 00:08:14,246 --> 00:08:15,864 No, no. Wait, wait. No, guys. No, remember? 207 00:08:15,907 --> 00:08:17,262 I quit the bar, 208 00:08:17,307 --> 00:08:18,924 I moved to North Dakota, and I shut the lights off. 209 00:08:18,968 --> 00:08:20,935 Wait. You went to North Dakota? 210 00:08:20,979 --> 00:08:22,684 I don't remember Dennis leaving. 211 00:08:22,728 --> 00:08:24,302 Wait. No. Goddamn it. Come on, guys. 212 00:08:24,346 --> 00:08:26,706 The... Look, this is how it went down, okay? 213 00:08:26,751 --> 00:08:28,718 Good-bye, Paddy's Pub. 214 00:08:28,762 --> 00:08:31,560 Good-bye, Philadelphia. Good-bye, Charlie. 215 00:08:31,603 --> 00:08:33,614 Mac, Dee, Frank. 216 00:08:33,658 --> 00:08:35,669 The bar is done. 217 00:08:38,030 --> 00:08:39,692 - So, go! - ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da!♪ 218 00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:40,785 - Stop sucking and go. - ♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da♪ 219 00:08:40,829 --> 00:08:42,359 Stop sucking and go. 220 00:08:42,402 --> 00:08:43,846 Stop sucking and go. 221 00:08:43,889 --> 00:08:45,725 - So was, uh... sneaking that... - No. 222 00:08:45,769 --> 00:08:47,037 - Yeah. I told you. Yeah, wasn't that good? - Yeah, right. 223 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:48,829 Okay, now, see, 224 00:08:48,873 --> 00:08:50,403 now you're infecting my memory with your memory, 225 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,114 and I can't even remember my own life correctly. 226 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,775 - Yeah. - I think you are remembering it right. 227 00:08:54,820 --> 00:08:56,043 - Yeah. - It was a pretty good pick now that I remember it. 228 00:08:56,087 --> 00:08:57,792 Guys, no, can we not do this? 229 00:08:57,836 --> 00:08:59,322 Can we not start messing with each other's memories? 230 00:08:59,366 --> 00:09:02,296 Okay? Distorting facts, like, basically changes history. 231 00:09:02,339 --> 00:09:04,350 You know what? It's like fake news, you know? 232 00:09:04,394 --> 00:09:06,186 And then, all of a sudden, nobody knows what the truth is, 233 00:09:06,230 --> 00:09:08,504 and facts don't matter. Guys, it's a slippery slope. 234 00:09:08,547 --> 00:09:10,165 Okay, okay, you know what? 235 00:09:10,209 --> 00:09:11,389 Fine. Let's try to remember something 236 00:09:11,433 --> 00:09:13,532 we all know for sure happened like, um... 237 00:09:13,575 --> 00:09:15,892 like The Nightman Cometh. 238 00:09:25,904 --> 00:09:27,173 - What the hell was that? - Huh? 239 00:09:27,216 --> 00:09:29,052 - What was that? - Oh, I'm just remembering 240 00:09:29,097 --> 00:09:31,675 when I-I told Mac I was gonna cut the song. 241 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,687 Right, but why was that memory in a different language? 242 00:09:33,731 --> 00:09:35,523 Oh, shit. You know what's happening? 243 00:09:35,567 --> 00:09:37,229 All right, now I'm getting confused, 244 00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:40,333 'cause I was remembering the time that I spoke Chinese, so... 245 00:09:40,376 --> 00:09:42,125 - You never spoke Chinese. - Yeah. 246 00:09:42,169 --> 00:09:43,917 Yeah, I did. They gave me a magic pill, and I learned it, 247 00:09:43,961 --> 00:09:45,186 - and I speak it fluently. - No. - Mm, no, they didn't. 248 00:09:45,229 --> 00:09:47,021 - Uh, no, buddy. 249 00:09:47,065 --> 00:09:49,426 Oh, by the way, we're getting way off track here. 250 00:09:49,470 --> 00:09:51,044 - What-what is happening? - Yeah. 251 00:09:51,088 --> 00:09:53,449 Oh, why don't we remember all the times 252 00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,197 that somebody didn't know what was happening. 253 00:09:55,242 --> 00:09:57,209 A business opportunity as rare 254 00:09:57,253 --> 00:10:01,406 as the albani berries themselves. 255 00:10:01,450 --> 00:10:03,067 What's happening? 256 00:10:05,778 --> 00:10:07,309 What is happening? 257 00:10:07,352 --> 00:10:09,932 "His name was Dennis." 258 00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:12,642 - I'm-I'm sorry. What is happ...? - Silence. 259 00:10:12,686 --> 00:10:15,003 - What is happening? - We don't know. 260 00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:17,145 - Come on now! 261 00:10:17,189 --> 00:10:20,075 - What is happening? - What is happening?! 262 00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,971 - Reliving old memories is so fun. 263 00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:27,244 - I'm having a blast. 264 00:10:27,289 --> 00:10:28,993 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, guys, I got one 265 00:10:29,038 --> 00:10:31,049 I think we can all remember-- the contest. 266 00:10:31,092 --> 00:10:32,536 - Oh, the contest. - The contest. 267 00:10:32,579 --> 00:10:34,896 - Ooh. - Yeah. - Okay. Yeah, yeah. 268 00:10:36,601 --> 00:10:38,525 Hey. 269 00:10:38,569 --> 00:10:39,837 - Hey. - Hey. - Hey. 270 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,722 Well, where's my money? Who caved? 271 00:10:42,766 --> 00:10:44,558 - Not me. - Not me. 272 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,350 - No. - Hmm. What are you guys looking at? 273 00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:48,099 Oh, there's a naked woman across the street. 274 00:10:49,718 --> 00:10:52,516 This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made. 275 00:10:54,264 --> 00:10:56,800 So my friend Joyce is teaching an exercise class. 276 00:10:56,844 --> 00:10:58,243 I think I'm gonna go tonight. 277 00:10:58,287 --> 00:11:01,741 Uh, the waitress should have taken it back. 278 00:11:06,069 --> 00:11:08,824 So then, um, I got a call this morning. 279 00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:10,397 You know, I was, uh... 280 00:11:10,441 --> 00:11:12,496 I was chosen to go on the space shuttle. 281 00:11:14,813 --> 00:11:16,430 We're going to Mars. 282 00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:18,748 - Have a good time. 283 00:11:22,508 --> 00:11:24,432 I'm out! 284 00:11:38,029 --> 00:11:39,166 That was, like, 285 00:11:39,209 --> 00:11:40,783 one of the best memories of all time. 286 00:11:40,828 --> 00:11:42,445 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 287 00:11:42,488 --> 00:11:44,194 - Well, yeah, it's a classic really, and... - Yeah. 288 00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,423 - It was so Jewish. Really. - Yeah, uh... 289 00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:48,391 Yeah, it is. It is. The only thing is, though, 290 00:11:48,434 --> 00:11:50,183 is that that wasn't us. 291 00:11:50,227 --> 00:11:51,976 What are you talking about? Of course it was us. We just... 292 00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:54,031 - They just... - Yeah, the whole... We're in the apartment. 293 00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:56,698 Yeah, I'm forgetting. When did we live in New York City? 294 00:11:56,741 --> 00:11:58,140 - God, when was that? - Oh. Oh, uh... 295 00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,802 - It was like mid-'90s, right? - '90s, yeah. 296 00:11:59,846 --> 00:12:01,726 - Early '90s. - Early '90s? 297 00:12:01,769 --> 00:12:03,300 Is that right? Yeah, when we were in high school? 298 00:12:03,343 --> 00:12:04,917 - Were we? 299 00:12:04,961 --> 00:12:06,098 And-and-and who were those people laughing? 300 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,940 - Fans. - Oh, the fans. - The fans. 301 00:12:08,984 --> 00:12:10,207 - Yeah. - Right. - The fans? 302 00:12:10,252 --> 00:12:11,869 - Fans. - The fans. Guys... 303 00:12:11,913 --> 00:12:13,311 You guys are remembering an episode of Seinfeld. 304 00:12:13,356 --> 00:12:15,235 - Oh, my God. - Oh! - That's it. 305 00:12:15,279 --> 00:12:16,590 - That's what it is. - Whoa. - That's what it is. 306 00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:18,821 - Yeah. - Memories are tricky. - Yeah. 307 00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:20,395 Wait, wait, wait, but when we saw that episode, 308 00:12:20,438 --> 00:12:21,618 - we had our own contest. - Yeah. - Yeah. No. 309 00:12:21,663 --> 00:12:23,280 - That's what it is. - That's right. 310 00:12:23,324 --> 00:12:24,417 - We did that contest. - That's what you were trying to remember. 311 00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:25,597 - Uh-huh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 312 00:12:25,641 --> 00:12:27,259 We had our own contest, except ours was 313 00:12:27,302 --> 00:12:28,657 to see who could masturbate the most 314 00:12:28,702 --> 00:12:30,319 in a 24-hour period. 315 00:12:30,363 --> 00:12:32,636 Yeah, that, uh... that-that landed us in the hospital. 316 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:36,265 Your penises have suffered severe abrasions. 317 00:12:36,309 --> 00:12:40,332 The skin has been all but removed from the organs. 318 00:12:40,375 --> 00:12:42,735 I've... I've never seen anything like it. 319 00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:44,179 And my vagina? 320 00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:46,408 I'm afraid it's been, uh... 321 00:12:46,452 --> 00:12:48,419 Yeah. 322 00:12:48,464 --> 00:12:50,213 No. no, no, no. You guys are doing it again. 323 00:12:50,256 --> 00:12:52,224 You're misremembering. Okay, that's... that is not how that 324 00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,666 went down, okay? And that doctor-- he... 325 00:12:53,709 --> 00:12:55,415 That's not even a real doctor. 326 00:12:55,458 --> 00:12:56,814 That guy was like a figment of my imagination 327 00:12:56,858 --> 00:12:58,563 from when we got stuck in the convenience store. 328 00:12:58,607 --> 00:13:00,793 Well, then you must have described it to me perfectly, 329 00:13:00,836 --> 00:13:02,716 - because I remember the dude. - Yeah, well, look, 330 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,291 you can't do this, okay? 331 00:13:04,334 --> 00:13:05,514 Every time you misremember something, 332 00:13:05,558 --> 00:13:07,438 like, run the risk of altering reality. 333 00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:10,280 - Altering reality? - Yeah, uh, yes. I'm just say... 334 00:13:10,324 --> 00:13:12,335 I'm saying, like, how you remember something 335 00:13:12,378 --> 00:13:14,171 sort of, like, becomes reality. 336 00:13:14,215 --> 00:13:15,920 You're saying I can change reality. 337 00:13:15,964 --> 00:13:17,494 Yeah, well, no, I'm not saying... 338 00:13:17,538 --> 00:13:19,986 No, it doesn't change reality. Reality is reality. 339 00:13:20,029 --> 00:13:22,391 I'm just saying it becomes yourreality. 340 00:13:24,490 --> 00:13:26,457 Charlie? 341 00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:29,386 I wanted to talk to you about the other night. 342 00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:31,047 Oh. 343 00:13:31,091 --> 00:13:33,014 Cool. Wh-Which night, though? 344 00:13:33,059 --> 00:13:34,589 'Cause there's been a lot of nights. 345 00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:37,037 The night we had sex. 346 00:13:37,081 --> 00:13:38,830 - Oh, that night. - Yeah. 347 00:13:38,873 --> 00:13:41,059 That was... that was a great night. 348 00:13:41,103 --> 00:13:42,546 It was. 349 00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:45,432 And I'm pregnant. 350 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,754 Wow, like... 351 00:13:48,798 --> 00:13:50,503 is it mine? 352 00:13:51,728 --> 00:13:53,345 Yep. 353 00:13:53,388 --> 00:13:54,700 - Huh. - Okay, I have... 354 00:13:54,744 --> 00:13:56,799 I have so many problems with that. 355 00:13:56,843 --> 00:13:58,416 Come on, man, I'm just trying to, like, remember, like, 356 00:13:58,460 --> 00:14:00,340 something about the waitress so I can alter my reality. 357 00:14:00,384 --> 00:14:02,789 You get it. Like, having a baby, being back together. 358 00:14:02,832 --> 00:14:04,406 Then again, that-that's not remembering, 359 00:14:04,450 --> 00:14:06,418 that's just making stuff up. Also, I have a problem 360 00:14:06,461 --> 00:14:08,210 with howyou were attempting to remember, you know, 361 00:14:08,254 --> 00:14:10,046 the way you were just watching yourself watch yourself 362 00:14:10,090 --> 00:14:11,664 through the door, like the... 363 00:14:11,708 --> 00:14:13,894 like the Ghost of Christmas Past or something. 364 00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:15,643 Well, that's just how everyone remembers. 365 00:14:15,687 --> 00:14:17,435 - Mm-mm. - No, no, it's not. - Nobody does. 366 00:14:17,479 --> 00:14:19,096 But it doesn't matter anyway, because it's not like 367 00:14:19,141 --> 00:14:20,845 he can change reality, right? 368 00:14:20,889 --> 00:14:23,775 Charlie? Give me a hand with this kid, would you? 369 00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:25,261 His diaper smells like a homeless man 370 00:14:25,305 --> 00:14:26,748 took a dump in it. 371 00:14:26,791 --> 00:14:28,278 Oh, shit, that's a baby. 372 00:14:28,321 --> 00:14:29,502 Wait, wait, wait. What the hell is this? 373 00:14:29,546 --> 00:14:30,507 Holy shit, it worked! 374 00:14:30,551 --> 00:14:31,994 I did it! I did it! 375 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,005 - Charlie! Come on! - I'm coming. 376 00:14:34,049 --> 00:14:36,410 Geez, I'm carrying, like, a million things. 377 00:14:36,453 --> 00:14:39,645 - Whoa! Oh! What the hell? - Two Charlies? 378 00:14:39,689 --> 00:14:42,050 Well, it's not like the baby's gonna drop dead just 'cause I'm 379 00:14:42,094 --> 00:14:43,405 two seconds behind you coming into the bar. 380 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,854 Wait a second. Maybe by watching yourself 381 00:14:45,897 --> 00:14:48,608 watch yourself, you created two Charlies? 382 00:14:48,652 --> 00:14:50,007 That's not good. 383 00:14:50,051 --> 00:14:52,630 Hey! Hey, you, man! 384 00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,860 Look, that-that's my girl. That's my kid. 385 00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:57,090 You got to get out of here, dude. 386 00:14:57,134 --> 00:14:58,883 Oh, my God, there's two of you? 387 00:14:58,927 --> 00:15:01,724 Okay, well, one of you has to change this baby's diaper, 388 00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,561 'cause I need to go get drunk. 389 00:15:03,604 --> 00:15:06,141 Are you gonna... Oh, dude. Thanks a lot, man. 390 00:15:06,184 --> 00:15:09,200 Wait, wait, wait. Why is your voice so high? 391 00:15:09,245 --> 00:15:10,994 Myvoice is high? I'm the one with the normal voice. 392 00:15:11,037 --> 00:15:12,130 You're the one with the high voice, dude. 393 00:15:12,174 --> 00:15:13,354 I have a high voice? 394 00:15:13,398 --> 00:15:14,578 You're telling me I have a high voice? 395 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,633 Yeah, your voice is crazy sounding! 396 00:15:16,677 --> 00:15:17,989 Are you kidding me? 397 00:15:18,033 --> 00:15:19,650 - Oh, it's hearing itself. - Do you even hear yourself, bro? 398 00:15:19,693 --> 00:15:21,442 This is bizarre. 399 00:15:21,486 --> 00:15:23,628 Look, it doesn't matter, man. You got to get lost, all right? 400 00:15:23,672 --> 00:15:25,902 - There can only be one of us. - Oh, please, 401 00:15:25,946 --> 00:15:27,214 please let me get lost. 402 00:15:27,258 --> 00:15:29,181 You know what? Take the kid, take the girl. 403 00:15:29,225 --> 00:15:31,892 I'll go back to living with Frank, 'cause I miss him. 404 00:15:31,935 --> 00:15:34,165 Aw. Charlie, that is so nice. 405 00:15:34,209 --> 00:15:35,914 I miss you, too. 406 00:15:35,957 --> 00:15:37,357 Wait, wait, wait, this isn't right, this isn't right. 407 00:15:37,401 --> 00:15:38,537 We must not be back in reality. 408 00:15:38,581 --> 00:15:40,199 We must still be in somebody's memory. 409 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:41,379 - Oh, yeah? Like whose? - Like whose? 410 00:15:41,423 --> 00:15:43,390 - Don't copy me. - I don't know. 411 00:15:43,434 --> 00:15:44,920 Wait. 412 00:15:44,964 --> 00:15:46,931 Frank, why do you have hair? 413 00:15:46,976 --> 00:15:49,992 - I've always had hair. - Bullshit, Frank. You have n... 414 00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:52,353 You know what, we're in his head right now. That's why Charlie 2 415 00:15:52,397 --> 00:15:54,408 was talking about wanting to go back to living with him. 416 00:15:54,452 --> 00:15:57,031 It's insane; Charlie already went back to living with me. 417 00:15:57,075 --> 00:15:58,387 - We're not in myhead. - Oh, yeah? 418 00:15:58,431 --> 00:16:00,835 - Nah. Uh-uh. - Then why are your legs so long? 419 00:16:00,879 --> 00:16:04,245 My legs have always been long. It's a burden being tall. 420 00:16:04,289 --> 00:16:06,037 Ah, bullshit, Frank. We're in your head. 421 00:16:06,082 --> 00:16:07,699 Get us out of there. Come on, man. 422 00:16:07,743 --> 00:16:09,317 - Ah... - Ah, yeah. 423 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,372 Oh, you couldn't let me have that memory? 424 00:16:11,416 --> 00:16:13,732 No, Frank, because it wasn't a memory, it was a fantasy. 425 00:16:13,777 --> 00:16:15,481 I liked the two me's. That was a really cool angle, though. 426 00:16:15,526 --> 00:16:16,706 - That was good. - Yeah, okay, fine, but th... 427 00:16:16,749 --> 00:16:18,717 Can we not go there, please? 428 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,334 All right? For Christ's sakes, we can't even just sit around 429 00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:22,214 having memories without things getting out of hand. 430 00:16:22,258 --> 00:16:24,007 Well, at least we're not being lazy, right? We're coming up 431 00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:26,762 - with new stuff. - Yeah, all right, all right, okay, 432 00:16:26,805 --> 00:16:28,466 let's stop, okay? We-we had our fun, 433 00:16:28,511 --> 00:16:29,516 now we're back to reality, a-and let's just, 434 00:16:29,559 --> 00:16:31,221 I'd like to keep it that way, so... 435 00:16:31,264 --> 00:16:33,669 - Yeah, software update's almost done anyway. - Oh, nice. 436 00:16:33,713 --> 00:16:35,462 Okay, good, well... Wait. 437 00:16:35,506 --> 00:16:37,255 - Dee. - What? 438 00:16:37,298 --> 00:16:39,440 Where's your cut? 439 00:16:39,485 --> 00:16:41,539 What cut? 440 00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:44,513 The giant, gaping cut that was-was just on your forehead. 441 00:16:44,556 --> 00:16:47,310 - Where is it? - Oh. I don't... I don't know. 442 00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:49,540 Is she changing reality? 443 00:16:49,584 --> 00:16:51,114 I don't know. I don't know what it means, okay? 444 00:16:51,158 --> 00:16:52,513 But I do know that we're not back 445 00:16:52,557 --> 00:16:54,349 in the real reality, and that's not good. 446 00:16:54,393 --> 00:16:56,361 Wait a second. Are we not? Like, are you sure 447 00:16:56,404 --> 00:16:57,716 she actually fell, that that actually happened? 448 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,158 I don't know. I don't know. I mean, 449 00:16:59,202 --> 00:17:00,689 this is so disorienting. I don't know. 450 00:17:00,732 --> 00:17:02,744 - Dee, snap us back. - I can't. I'm trying. 451 00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:05,586 All right, all right, wha-what if it's not thatmuch different? 452 00:17:05,630 --> 00:17:07,422 You know? Like, what if this reality, 453 00:17:07,465 --> 00:17:09,739 the only difference is that Dee doesn't have a cut on her head? 454 00:17:09,783 --> 00:17:12,013 - Is that that big of a deal? - Yes, it's a big deal. 455 00:17:12,056 --> 00:17:13,892 You're talking about never knowing 456 00:17:13,937 --> 00:17:15,292 which reality you're living in. 457 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,827 Okay, you know what? We need to, we need to orient ourselves. 458 00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,532 Um... Frank. 459 00:17:19,576 --> 00:17:20,713 - Yeah? - Are you tall and handsome 460 00:17:20,757 --> 00:17:21,850 with a full head of hair? 461 00:17:21,894 --> 00:17:23,686 I like to think so, but no. 462 00:17:23,730 --> 00:17:24,954 No. Good. Okay, so, Charlie, 463 00:17:24,998 --> 00:17:26,353 is the waitress in love with you? 464 00:17:26,396 --> 00:17:28,714 Aw, I had her for a minute, but no. 465 00:17:28,758 --> 00:17:30,900 Great. Uh, Dee, are you a successful actress? 466 00:17:30,944 --> 00:17:32,387 Oh, I could have been. 467 00:17:32,430 --> 00:17:34,004 Dee, be serious! Yes or no? 468 00:17:34,048 --> 00:17:34,747 - No. - Yeah. 469 00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:37,152 Mac, um, are you my roommate? 470 00:17:37,195 --> 00:17:38,814 - No, of course not. - Oh! 471 00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:40,649 - Okay, well, so there it is. - There we go. 472 00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:43,142 - All right, Mac, it's clearly you... - Oh. 473 00:17:43,186 --> 00:17:44,847 ...so snap us out of it, man. 474 00:17:44,891 --> 00:17:46,203 No. W-We're not in my head. I swear. 475 00:17:46,246 --> 00:17:48,214 Yes, we are, man. We're in your head. 476 00:17:48,257 --> 00:17:49,875 You're trying to alter reality. 477 00:17:49,918 --> 00:17:51,405 Dude, if we were in my head, 478 00:17:51,448 --> 00:17:53,985 why would I not want you to be my roommate? 479 00:17:54,028 --> 00:17:56,127 But... 480 00:17:56,171 --> 00:17:57,876 - Ah... - Oh, I get it. - Wait a minute. 481 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:01,067 Dennis, we're in your head, aren't we? 482 00:18:01,111 --> 00:18:04,171 - Yeah. - Yeah. - No. Why would we be in my head? 483 00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:07,320 Dennis, everyone knows that the most annoying person 484 00:18:07,363 --> 00:18:10,117 - in the world is Mac. - Huh? 485 00:18:10,162 --> 00:18:12,129 So why would you ever want to live with him? 486 00:18:12,173 --> 00:18:14,839 No, that's not-- I-- No, he's great as a roommate. 487 00:18:14,883 --> 00:18:16,413 - Is he great? - Yeah, he's great. 488 00:18:16,457 --> 00:18:18,599 Name one way. 489 00:18:18,643 --> 00:18:20,435 Yeah, easy. He, um... 490 00:18:26,251 --> 00:18:29,835 - Oh, your head, yeah! So yeah. - Okay, fine, damn it, 491 00:18:29,879 --> 00:18:31,454 I was trying to, yeah, get rid of him. 492 00:18:31,497 --> 00:18:33,071 So you don't like living with me, Dennis? 493 00:18:33,115 --> 00:18:35,170 Oh, no, I... no, I love having a roommate 494 00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:37,181 who spends three hours a day on a dildo bike. 495 00:18:37,225 --> 00:18:38,930 Guys, see, this is, this is why I didn't want to do this. 496 00:18:38,973 --> 00:18:40,722 You know? No good can come of it. 497 00:18:40,766 --> 00:18:43,171 - It doesn't feel good. - It has been kind of messy, 498 00:18:43,214 --> 00:18:45,400 like, you know, it's been confusing, for sure. 499 00:18:45,444 --> 00:18:48,023 So let's just... we just... so now we just got to make sure 500 00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:50,341 - we're-we're back in reality. - Yeah, but how do you ever know 501 00:18:50,385 --> 00:18:52,571 - if you're in reality? - You know what? 502 00:18:52,614 --> 00:18:55,325 I think I got a top here under the bar. Yeah, I do. I do. 503 00:18:55,369 --> 00:18:57,380 - A top under the bar? - Top? What do you do with a top? - So? 504 00:18:57,424 --> 00:18:59,872 Well, a top. Didn't you guys see the movie Inception? 505 00:18:59,915 --> 00:19:02,233 You know, they spin the top, and see, the thing is, 506 00:19:02,277 --> 00:19:05,424 if we aren't in reality, then the top will just spin forever. 507 00:19:05,469 --> 00:19:07,129 But if it wobbles and falls, 508 00:19:07,173 --> 00:19:08,660 then you know you're back in reality. 509 00:19:08,703 --> 00:19:11,064 - Should we give it a spin? - Yeah, let's do it. - Sure. 510 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,119 Let's see. 511 00:19:13,163 --> 00:19:15,131 Seems like that's gonna go for a while, though. 512 00:19:15,174 --> 00:19:16,879 It does, it seems like it's gonna... 513 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,415 - Gave it a hell of a spin there. - Yeah! - Yeah! 514 00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,470 Well, it's a good, it's a quality top. 515 00:19:21,514 --> 00:19:23,000 Oh. 516 00:19:23,044 --> 00:19:25,012 - Oh, our phones are updated. - Oh, for real? 517 00:19:25,055 --> 00:19:26,935 - Oh! - There we go! - Oh, sweet! 518 00:19:26,978 --> 00:19:30,214 - Ah... - Finally. - Um... 519 00:19:30,257 --> 00:19:32,400 Thank God we're back to normal. 39942

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