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1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:04,590
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:09,590
JOE:
Hey, it's about time
you showed up.
3
00:00:09,590 --> 00:00:11,590
Look, you're gonna have
to finish these FAA reports.
4
00:00:11,590 --> 00:00:13,100
I'm late for a flight.
( clears throat )
5
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:15,100
Whoa.
What happened to your face?
6
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:18,100
This morning I'm shaving
after my shower, right?
7
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:20,600
I open up the bathroom door
to let the steam out.
8
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:21,600
Casey walks in.
9
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,110
I'm standing
there buck naked.
10
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:25,110
She lets out
a blood-curdling scream.
11
00:00:25,110 --> 00:00:26,110
"Ah--!"
12
00:00:28,610 --> 00:00:29,610
Well, that's an improvement.
13
00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:31,610
Usually,
they just point and laugh.
14
00:00:31,610 --> 00:00:32,620
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
15
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:34,120
( mocking ):
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
16
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,120
Joe, guy humor?
Not your thing.
17
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,120
Yeah, fine. Look, uh, now
that Casey's living with you,
18
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,620
you might wanna throw on some
clothes every once in a while.
19
00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:43,130
Uh, but you know, uh, I think
I have an even better solution.
20
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,130
Ye-- No. Forget it.
21
00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:46,130
Casey's not moving
back in with me and Helen.
22
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:47,630
You guys are just
gonna have to work things out.
23
00:00:48,630 --> 00:00:49,630
( door shuts )
24
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:55,640
( groans )
25
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,140
Listen, as long as
you and I have to live
26
00:00:58,140 --> 00:00:59,140
under the same roof,
27
00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:01,140
there's gonna have to
be some ground rules.
28
00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:03,150
Number one,
you cover up.
29
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:04,650
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
30
00:01:04,650 --> 00:01:07,150
Okay, I own this house.
I make the rules.
31
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,150
And since you're living there,
32
00:01:08,150 --> 00:01:10,150
I just want you
to think of it as a country
33
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,660
called: Nakedland.
34
00:01:12,660 --> 00:01:14,160
Huh?
35
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,160
I am the president
of Nakedland.
36
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,660
Would you care to hear
the national anthem?
37
00:01:20,660 --> 00:01:23,170
No, thanks.
38
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:24,670
I've already seen the flag.
39
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:28,170
( upbeat theme playing )
40
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,680
( sighs )
Well,
41
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:37,680
the wedding
rehearsal's all over.
42
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,180
No turning back now, huh?
43
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,190
( sighing ):
Nope.
44
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:45,190
Guess, uh, you know
what comes next.
45
00:01:45,190 --> 00:01:47,190
Probably the most
important event
46
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,190
in your life.
47
00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:50,690
Yep.
48
00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:53,200
BOTH ( in unison ):
Bachelor party!
49
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,700
Oh, Joe.
50
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,200
Wasn't that
the most beautiful
51
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,200
wedding rehearsal?
52
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,710
And you know
what comes next.
53
00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:06,710
Yeah.
54
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:09,210
Yeah, I have
a pretty good idea.
55
00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:10,210
Our wedding.
56
00:02:10,210 --> 00:02:12,720
Oh, yeah,
that's it. That's it.
57
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,720
Oh, before I forget, I need
you to do something for me.
58
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:15,720
Can you--?
No!
59
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:16,720
He can not.
60
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:17,720
Okay?
61
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,220
You're gonna be
ordering him around
62
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,220
for the rest of his life,
but from now until
63
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:23,230
tomorrow morning,
he's all mine.
Hm.
64
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,730
Oh, right,
the big bachelor party.
65
00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:27,730
So, what have you guys
got planned for him?
66
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,730
Look, Helen--
Hey, hey, hey.
67
00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:32,240
The woman can know nothing.
68
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,740
Did I break one of
the ten commandments
69
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:34,740
of bachelor parties?
70
00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:35,740
Yes, number one:
71
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:38,740
the woman can know nothing.
72
00:02:38,740 --> 00:02:40,740
Relax, 'cause the woman
73
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:42,250
doesn't want
to know anything.
74
00:02:42,250 --> 00:02:44,250
Except why does
the bachelor party
75
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:45,750
have to be the night
before our wedding?
76
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,250
Commandment number eight:
77
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,750
thou shalt defile
and debase thyself
78
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:52,260
on the nighteth
right before thy wedding.
79
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,260
Now, uh, if you'll excuse me,
80
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:58,760
I have to go book
a vestal virgin.
81
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,760
Helen.
Yeah.
82
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,770
You sure you're okay
with this bachelor party thing?
83
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:03,770
Sure.
Why wouldn't I be?
84
00:03:03,770 --> 00:03:05,770
Well, pfft,
it could get pretty wild.
85
00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:06,770
Oh, yeah, I know you, Joe.
86
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:08,270
You'll have one,
maybe two beers,
87
00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:10,270
get a little loose,
and then you'll tell
88
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:11,270
that one dirty joke you know.
89
00:03:11,270 --> 00:03:13,280
Oh, no,
you think you know me,
90
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,280
but you're wrong.
91
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:15,780
I plan on
having at least
92
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:17,280
three beers,
and you know why?
93
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,280
Because I've pre-eaten.
94
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,290
You go do your "boy thing."
95
00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:27,290
But please, don't--
Don't drink too much,
96
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,290
'cause I don't want you
hung over for the wedding.
97
00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:31,800
I mean, remember, this is the
most important day of our lives.
98
00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:33,300
Helen, I--
I can't promise anything.
99
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,800
It's a bachelor's party.
It could get pretty wild.
100
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:36,800
Oh, right.
101
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,800
A bunch of boobs
lookin' at a bunch of boobs.
102
00:03:44,310 --> 00:03:45,310
Where's Brian?
103
00:03:45,310 --> 00:03:46,810
He's in the office.
104
00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,820
Well, thanks a lot, Brian.
You were suppo--
105
00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:55,320
Oh, my God--
( screams )
106
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,320
Don't you ever knock?
107
00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,820
Don't you ever dress?
108
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,820
Or-- Or have you
claimed this office
109
00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:03,830
in the name
of Nakedland too?
110
00:04:03,830 --> 00:04:05,830
What's your problem?
111
00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:08,330
I'm just getting dressed for
the bachelor party, all right?
112
00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:10,330
That's it. I am staying
at Helen's house tonight.
113
00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:11,840
Hey, fine, suit yourself.
114
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:13,340
But if you do,
115
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:16,340
you'll miss
the grand opening of...
116
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,840
Euro-Nakedland.
117
00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:20,340
( knocking )
118
00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:22,350
Hey, Brian-- Whoa!
119
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:23,850
Oh!
120
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:25,350
You know,
I heard that Brian Hackett
121
00:04:25,350 --> 00:04:27,350
bachelor parties
were pretty wild,
122
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,350
but I kind of expected
to see a woman
123
00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:31,860
take her clothes off.
124
00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:33,860
But, you know,
what the heck.
125
00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:34,860
I'm pretty liberal.
126
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:36,860
Let's see what you got!
127
00:04:41,860 --> 00:04:44,870
I've seen this show.
It's overrated.
128
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,370
Okay.
129
00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:51,370
I'm ready
to debase myself.
130
00:04:51,370 --> 00:04:53,380
What do we do next?
Easy!
131
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,880
Easy there, pumpkin.
132
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,880
You've got
the whole night ahead of you.
133
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,880
Okay, first
the fun begins
134
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,390
in our deluxe suite
135
00:05:02,390 --> 00:05:04,890
at the Trump Taj Mahal
in Atlantic City,
136
00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:06,390
and, uh, believe me
when I tell you,
137
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,890
we will not be lacking
for entertainment.
138
00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:09,890
Oh...
139
00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:11,890
Does it, uh, involve women?
140
00:05:11,890 --> 00:05:13,400
Uh, no.
141
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,400
I hired jugglers
and a dancing monkey.
142
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,900
I'm just so excited.
143
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:22,410
Roy was just telling me
about the bachelor party
144
00:05:22,410 --> 00:05:23,910
you threw in '85.
Yeah.
145
00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:26,410
Is it true? Two men
still unaccounted for?
146
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,910
Uh...
147
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:29,410
No, no, I think
eventually they showed up.
148
00:05:29,410 --> 00:05:31,410
One is currently
living in a seminary
149
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:32,920
and the other
is a chronic bed wetter.
150
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,920
( upbeat theme playing )
151
00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:42,930
Oh, gosh.
152
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:44,930
Oh, hi, Helen.
153
00:05:44,930 --> 00:05:45,930
Boy, you look tired.
154
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:47,930
Oh, Casey, I'm exhausted.
155
00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:51,430
Well, what do you
wanna do tonight?
156
00:05:51,430 --> 00:05:53,440
I mean, it is your last night
as a single woman.
157
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,940
I'm gonna go upstairs,
158
00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:57,440
take a nice hot bath,
put on a mud mask,
159
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,940
do my nails and go to sleep.
160
00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:02,950
Helen, that sounds great,
but you know what?
161
00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:04,450
( loudly ):
It ain't gonna happen!
162
00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:06,950
Surprise!
163
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:07,950
( screaming )
164
00:06:08,950 --> 00:06:10,950
Joanne, what are
you doing here?
165
00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:12,960
You weren't supposed
to be here till tomorrow.
166
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:13,960
Are you kidding?
167
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,460
As soon as Casey told me
about your bachelorette party,
168
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:17,460
I changed my plans.
169
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,460
Oh, that's so sweet.
Bachelorette party?
170
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:21,460
Oh, don't worry.
It's not gonna be rowdy.
171
00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:23,970
I mean, it's just us girls
sitting around, talking.
172
00:06:23,970 --> 00:06:25,970
Shooters anyone?
173
00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:26,970
( all clamoring )
174
00:06:30,470 --> 00:06:32,480
Oh, I appreciate it, Fay.
No, thanks.
175
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,480
Uh, I don't think I should
drink before the wedding.
176
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,480
( all moan )
177
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,480
Well, they are just
little bitty bottles, huh?
178
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,990
ALL ( chanting ):
Go! Go! Go! Go!
179
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:43,990
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
180
00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:45,990
( rock music playing )
181
00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:48,490
( cheering and screaming )
182
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:53,000
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go...
183
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,500
( mellow theme playing )
184
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:59,000
I always knew
Atlantic City was luxurious,
185
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,500
but I never dreamed
I'd get to see
186
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:04,010
Al's Crapshoot Hotel.
187
00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:07,510
Somebody pinch me, please.
188
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:10,510
Look, I booked the best suite
at Trump's Taj Mahal.
189
00:07:10,510 --> 00:07:12,520
Yeah, but you booked it
for the wrong night.
190
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,020
And that's my fault?
ALL: Yes.
191
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:15,020
Hey, please.
192
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:16,520
Have a little faith.
193
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,020
We've got a room here
and the stripper's coming.
194
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,520
Who knows what else
he's got planned.
195
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,530
This is Brian Hackett, here,
we're talking about.
196
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:25,030
The master.
197
00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:27,530
This is gonna be
a night to remember.
198
00:07:28,530 --> 00:07:31,030
( distant siren wailing )
199
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,540
I wonder how many people have
committed suicide in this dump.
200
00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:42,550
( upbeat theme playing )
201
00:07:44,050 --> 00:07:45,550
Okay.
202
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:47,550
Okay, here's a hard one.
203
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:50,050
What did Christ say
when he healed the leper?
204
00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:52,050
Oh, enough already.
205
00:07:52,050 --> 00:07:54,060
Not even close.
He said--
206
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,560
Oh, look, Antonio,
207
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,560
we are all getting tired
of Bible quiz.
208
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,060
Put the Good Book down.
209
00:07:59,060 --> 00:08:01,060
Okay. Okay.
210
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:02,570
Uh--
Uh, here's something fun,
211
00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:04,570
uh, shadow puppets.
212
00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:09,070
What--? What famous entertainer
known as the Schnozz--?
213
00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:11,070
Hey, hey!
214
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:13,080
I wasn't the one
who promised everybody
215
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,080
the greatest night
of their lives.
216
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,580
Hey, still early yet.
217
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,080
Some of the best
bachelor parties
218
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,580
often start out
a little slow.
219
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:22,590
Well, wake me up
when we get to slow.
220
00:08:22,590 --> 00:08:23,590
( phone rings )
221
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,090
I'll get it.
222
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,590
1-900-BUMMER.
223
00:08:31,090 --> 00:08:32,600
Uh, it's the pizza guy.
224
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,600
Yeah!
( cheering )
225
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,600
He's lost.
( all groan )
226
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,600
Uh, no. It's a left
at the landfill,
227
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,600
a right
at the industrial park,
228
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,610
just past
the sewage plant.
229
00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:47,110
No, if you get to
the toxic-waste dump,
230
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,610
you've gone too far.
231
00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:50,110
Okay.
232
00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:52,110
At least we are
not gonna starve
233
00:08:52,110 --> 00:08:54,620
because Uncle Roy
has come up with the food.
234
00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:57,120
We have:
an apple, a can of soup
235
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,620
and a bag of pork rinds.
236
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:00,620
Wait a second.
237
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:02,630
The expiration date
on those pork rinds
238
00:09:02,630 --> 00:09:04,630
is March, '84.
239
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,630
Eh, it's just a guideline.
240
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:11,130
No booze.
241
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:12,640
No stripper.
242
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,140
Soup in a can,
and pork rinds.
243
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:17,640
I hate this bachelor party.
244
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,640
You suck.
245
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:21,640
Relax, okay?
246
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,150
Relax, please.
247
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:25,150
Stripper's on her way,
and I know just the thing
248
00:09:25,150 --> 00:09:26,650
to kick this party into gear.
249
00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:28,650
Now, Lowell. Lowell.
Hm?
250
00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:30,150
Why don't you just
pop in a videotape, okay?
251
00:09:30,150 --> 00:09:31,150
Oh, okay.
252
00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:32,660
Well, you know, I--
253
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,160
I've got a pretty
wide selection.
254
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,160
Something
for everybody here.
255
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,660
Uh, I've got
Valley of the Vixens.
256
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:40,660
I-- I've got, uh,
257
00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:42,670
A Clear
and Present Vixen.
258
00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:47,170
I've got A Vixen
Runs Through It.
259
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,670
And, um, Pulp Vixen.
260
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,680
"Pulp Vixen."
261
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,680
Oh, i-it's about
two mob hit-vixens,
262
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,680
both packing .38s.
263
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,680
Oh, look,
it's the director's cut.
264
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,190
Give me that.
265
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:07,690
What the hell's going on?
266
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,190
It won't fit.
267
00:10:09,190 --> 00:10:10,690
It's gotta fit.
268
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:12,700
Why won't it fit?
Why won't it fit?
269
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,200
Because it's a beta machine,
270
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,200
the last one
in the free world.
271
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,700
Lowell, uh,
go down to the front desk.
272
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,210
Uh, they must have something
273
00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:25,210
from the Vixen collection
on Beta.
274
00:10:25,210 --> 00:10:27,210
All right. I'll give it a shot.
275
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:30,710
But just for the record,
this is a very bad party.
276
00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:32,220
( door closes )
277
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:35,720
( sighs )
278
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,720
All right, all right, just--
279
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,220
Just, heh, take it easy.
Take it easy.
280
00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:44,230
Still--
Still plenty of fun to be had.
281
00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:45,230
( knocking on door )
282
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:47,730
Oh, please let it be
someone with liquor,
283
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,230
food, or my name
sprayed in whipped cream
284
00:10:49,230 --> 00:10:51,230
across her breasts.
285
00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:53,240
Ah! You made it!
You're here. Fantastic. Hi.
286
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,240
Uh, I'm Brian.
I spoke to you on the phone.
287
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,240
And this is Joe.
He's the groom.
288
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,740
( sneezes )
289
00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:00,240
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.
290
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,240
I had to stop off
to get some cold medicine.
291
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,250
( sneezes )
292
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:05,750
( coughing )
293
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:08,750
Hi, honey.
Ready for a good time?
294
00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:12,760
( all laughing )
295
00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:16,260
Okay, okay,
serious question.
296
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:19,760
What's the most unusual place
you ever did it?
297
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,760
Oh!
298
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,770
With Joe,
299
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:24,770
during lunch hour,
300
00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:26,270
in my walk-in freezer.
301
00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:27,270
( all laugh )
302
00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:30,770
In a parking lot
at an IHOP
303
00:11:30,770 --> 00:11:31,770
off Route 9.
304
00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:33,780
( all laugh )
305
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:36,780
Uh, been there.
Done that.
306
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:39,280
Uh, let's see, uh,
mine would have to be
307
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,280
on a rooftop during the
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
308
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,290
just as Underdog
was going by.
309
00:11:44,290 --> 00:11:46,290
( all laugh )
310
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,790
Oh, I know. I have one.
311
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:53,300
At the foot of my bed.
312
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,800
In the middle of the week.
313
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:01,300
Oh, my God.
I haven't lived, have I?
314
00:12:02,810 --> 00:12:05,310
Uh-- Uh, time to open the gifts.
315
00:12:05,310 --> 00:12:06,810
Gifts?
316
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,810
No, you already got me
gifts for the wedding.
317
00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:10,310
These aren't
for the wedding.
318
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:12,310
These are for
the wedding night.
319
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,320
Whoo.
320
00:12:22,830 --> 00:12:24,830
What in the hell
do you do with this?
321
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,330
It's really very simple.
322
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,830
( all laugh )
323
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:33,840
( upbeat theme playing )
324
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,340
"The wildest bachelor party
every thrown"?
325
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,340
"This night will
become a legend"?
326
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:43,350
All right, I-- I know
we've had a few setbacks.
327
00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:48,350
But I believe
328
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:50,850
that this party
is really gonna take off.
329
00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:53,360
( stripper vomiting )
330
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,860
STRIPPER:
I'll be out in a minute.
331
00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:58,360
I'm feeling
much better now.
332
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,860
( toilet flushes )
333
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:01,860
( gasping )
334
00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:02,870
So...
335
00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:06,870
...you boys
ready for a show?
336
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,370
Look, y-you really
don't have to do this.
337
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:09,370
Oh, no-no-no-no-no.
338
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:10,370
You're the groom.
339
00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:12,370
This is your special night.
340
00:13:12,370 --> 00:13:13,880
( chuckling )
341
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,880
( rock music plays )
342
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:25,890
Oh, you poor kid.
343
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:27,390
You poor kid.
344
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,390
You're in no condition for this.
( gasping )
345
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:30,890
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
346
00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:32,900
Giving in to a cold
is the worst thing you can do.
347
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,400
And you're shivering.
348
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,900
Come on, we'll cover you up.
349
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:39,900
Yeah.
( music stops )
350
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:41,400
It's a great party,
Brian.
351
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,910
Antonio is covering up
the stripper.
352
00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:47,910
Hey, I got a tape.
353
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,410
Oh, fantastic,
what did you get?
354
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:51,910
Terms of Endearment.
355
00:13:51,910 --> 00:13:53,420
Why'd you get that?
356
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:57,420
Hey, it was either this
or Deep Throat.
357
00:13:57,420 --> 00:14:01,920
Come on. Haven't we all had
quite enough of Watergate?
358
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,430
( rock music playing )
359
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:06,430
( all chattering )
360
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:07,930
( knocking )
361
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,930
Oh, Helen,
there's someone at the door.
362
00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,930
Oh, I'll get it.
363
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:13,940
And nobody comes in
364
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,440
without doing a shooter first.
365
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,940
( all cheering )
366
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:19,940
Okay, open up, and say...
367
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:21,440
Uh-oh.
368
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,950
Um, h-hi, officer.
369
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:26,450
Uh, is there a problem?
Yes, there is, ma'am.
370
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,950
We've had complaints about the
noise level from the neighbors.
371
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:31,450
Oh, uh, I'll take care of this.
372
00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:32,450
( music stops )
373
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:34,460
Beat it, copper.
374
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,460
We're having a party and
if the neighbors don't like it,
375
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,460
they can get stuffed.
376
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:39,960
Oh, God, Fay--
377
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,470
Um, h-hi,
I'm Helen Chappel
378
00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:43,470
and this is my home,
379
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:44,970
and if we're too loud,
380
00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:46,470
um, we'll take care of it.
381
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:47,970
Well, ma'am,
that won't do.
382
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,470
I'm gonna have to
write you a citation.
383
00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:51,970
Oh, you're just
a big bully, aren't you?
384
00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:54,980
Uh...
385
00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:56,480
Fay, please...
386
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:57,980
( all shrieking )
387
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,480
Fay!
388
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,490
( all shrieking )
389
00:15:03,490 --> 00:15:05,490
Just call me Sergeant Steve.
390
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:06,990
( upbeat music plays )
391
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,990
( whooping )
392
00:15:08,990 --> 00:15:10,990
( cheering )
393
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,000
( upbeat theme playing )
394
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,500
( crying ):
It's so sad.
395
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,000
( snorts )
396
00:15:23,510 --> 00:15:27,010
( crying ):
Why did Debra Winger
have to die?
397
00:15:29,010 --> 00:15:32,010
I feel so vulnerable.
398
00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:33,520
I never told anybody this,
399
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,020
but when--
When I was a little boy,
400
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:37,020
I had a turtle...
401
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,020
Larry.
402
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:40,520
He had his own
little plastic island
403
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,020
with a little palm tree.
404
00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:45,530
Then one day he got sick
and he wouldn't eat,
405
00:15:45,530 --> 00:15:47,530
and his shell got all soft.
406
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:50,530
( weeping ):
And Larry died.
407
00:15:52,530 --> 00:15:54,040
( crying )
408
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,540
( yells ):
Larry!
409
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,550
( sighs )
410
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:04,550
I don't get it.
411
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:08,050
My bachelor parties...
Heh.
412
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,550
...were legendary, man.
413
00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:14,060
I always felt sorry
414
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,560
for the poor stiff
who was walking down the aisle,
415
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,560
you know?
416
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,560
( groans )
417
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,070
And right now,
418
00:16:23,070 --> 00:16:24,570
I envy you.
419
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:27,570
Why do you think that is?
420
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,570
I don't know, Brian.
Maybe it's a sign.
421
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,570
Maybe it means
you're ready
422
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:33,080
for something
different in your life.
423
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:37,080
Or maybe you just suck.
424
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,090
Oh, Larry,
wherever you are,
425
00:16:43,090 --> 00:16:45,590
I'm sorry
I painted you blue.
426
00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:46,590
( snorts )
427
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:48,590
( sobs )
428
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,590
Wait, you painted him blue?
429
00:16:51,590 --> 00:16:53,600
You killed freakin' Larry!
430
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,600
( upbeat theme playing )
431
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,600
( rock music playing )
432
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,110
Helen,
433
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,110
is there any more champagne?
434
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:10,610
Coming up.
Whoo!
435
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,120
What--? What is going on?
436
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,620
( flatly ):
Oh, Joe, how good to see you.
437
00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:22,620
Where's Helen?
438
00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:24,130
Helen.
439
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:25,130
Okay, girls,
440
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:27,130
I guess the party's over.
441
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:28,630
( all groan, music stops )
442
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:31,130
See you
at the wedding, Joe.
443
00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:33,140
Now, uh, Joe,
I just want you to know
444
00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:35,640
that nothing
happened here tonight.
445
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,140
( all laughing )
446
00:17:40,140 --> 00:17:42,140
You know, I didn't know you guys
were throwing Helen a party.
447
00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:43,650
Where is she?
448
00:17:43,650 --> 00:17:46,150
Oh...around. Heh-heh.
449
00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:47,650
So I guess you two kids
450
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,150
probably wanna
be alone tonight,
451
00:17:49,150 --> 00:17:52,150
so I'll just go back over
to my room at...
452
00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:53,660
Nakedland.
453
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,660
Helen.
454
00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:57,660
Helen.
455
00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,660
Helen?
456
00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:00,660
HELEN:
Joe?
457
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:01,660
Oh, hi, honey.
458
00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:03,170
We had a party.
459
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:05,170
Yeah, yeah, I heard.
460
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:06,670
Look, Helen,
461
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,170
I know that we're not
supposed to be together
462
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:09,670
the night before the wedding,
463
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:10,670
but I realized
something tonight.
464
00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:15,680
You're the only person
I really wanna be with.
465
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,680
Tomorrow's gonna be
the best day of my whole life,
466
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,180
because it'll
be the beginning
467
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,680
of our life together.
468
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:23,690
Oh, Joe.
469
00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:32,190
That was beautiful, man.
470
00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:34,200
( upbeat theme playing )
471
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,700
( door creaks )
472
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,220
( Casey and Brian scream )
473
00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:02,220
( both scream )
474
00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:03,730
Get out of my room.
475
00:19:03,730 --> 00:19:05,230
Your room?
No-no-no-no.
476
00:19:05,230 --> 00:19:06,730
This is my room
and this is my bed,
477
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:10,730
otherwise known as
the capital of Nakedland.
478
00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:12,230
What the hell are you
doing in here, anyway?
479
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:14,740
Well, uh,
I thought this was my room.
480
00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:16,740
All those damned doors
look alike in the dark.
481
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,740
No, hey, your room's
across the hall.
482
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:19,740
All right?
483
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:21,240
Fine.
( sighs )
484
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:25,250
I can't get out
of this bed.
485
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:26,250
Why?
486
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:28,250
I'm not wearing anything.
487
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,750
Oooh, a new citizen.
488
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:33,260
Okay, you cross
this border
489
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:34,260
and it's an act of war.
490
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,260
All right, look,
491
00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:36,760
all right?
492
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,760
I'll just turn my head,
493
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,260
close my eyes,
494
00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:41,760
and you can,
uh, scamper away.
495
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,270
Okay?
496
00:19:43,270 --> 00:19:44,270
Goodbye.
497
00:19:49,770 --> 00:19:51,770
Uh, you're still here.
498
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,780
Look, it's just that,
499
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,280
this whole night...
500
00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,780
( sighs )
501
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:01,780
Never mind.
502
00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:02,780
No-no-no-no-no.
503
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:04,790
No, no. What?
504
00:20:04,790 --> 00:20:05,790
I'm listening. What?
505
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,290
Well, look at me.
506
00:20:09,290 --> 00:20:10,790
No, don't look at me.
507
00:20:10,790 --> 00:20:12,290
I mean,
508
00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:14,800
look at where
I am in my life.
509
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:20,300
Everyone else is moving on.
510
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:21,300
And where am I?
511
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,310
I mean, I have a...
512
00:20:23,310 --> 00:20:24,810
failed marriage,
513
00:20:24,810 --> 00:20:26,810
no career.
514
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,310
I don't even have
515
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,310
a "most unusual place
I've ever had sex" story.
516
00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:31,810
And, you know,
to top it all off,
517
00:20:31,810 --> 00:20:34,320
my baby sister is getting
married tomorrow...
518
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:37,820
Forget it.
519
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,320
Why don't you just
close your eyes.
520
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,320
I'll leave now.
521
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:41,320
No-no-no.
522
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,320
( sighs )
523
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,330
I actually think I know
524
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,330
what you're going through.
525
00:20:46,330 --> 00:20:47,330
You do?
526
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:49,330
Oh, hell yeah.
527
00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:51,830
Joe and Helen
are my two best friends.
528
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:54,340
And after tomorrow,
everything's gonna change.
529
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:55,840
They're not gonna
have any time for us, are they?
530
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,340
Are you kidding?
No-no-no.
531
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,840
When you get married,
you're in couple mode.
532
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,350
You know, you have
couple friends,
533
00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:05,850
you do couple things,
534
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:08,350
then you start thinking
about having kids, and--
535
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,850
Ah, God.
536
00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:13,360
I'm gonna be
weird Uncle Brian.
537
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:14,360
Oh, God.
538
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,860
I'm gonna be poor Aunt Casey,
539
00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,360
the one who's
crying all the time.
540
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:23,370
I should really be a lot,
541
00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:24,870
you know,
542
00:21:24,870 --> 00:21:27,370
happier for them, tonight.
543
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,870
( sighs )
544
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:32,880
Yep.
545
00:21:32,870 --> 00:21:34,880
Yeah, I know, I know.
( sobs )
546
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:44,890
Uh-oh.
I know.
547
00:21:44,890 --> 00:21:47,890
Yeah, this is, uh--
This is very dangerous.
548
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:50,390
Very dangerous, because, uh,
549
00:21:50,390 --> 00:21:51,390
something could happen here
550
00:21:51,390 --> 00:21:52,900
that we'll--
We'll regret for a long time.
551
00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:54,400
The rest of our lives.
552
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,400
And that-- That-- That--
That would be wrong.
553
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,400
Wrong? That would be suicidal.
554
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,900
Oh, that's for sure.
That's for sure. Heh.
555
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:05,910
Oh, damn.
556
00:22:05,910 --> 00:22:07,910
I know.
557
00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:09,910
( upbeat theme playing )
558
00:22:13,110 --> 00:22:24,930
( upbeat theme playing )
37167
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