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1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:04,590
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:08,590
Hey, guys.
3
00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:11,090
Look what I just got.
4
00:00:11,090 --> 00:00:14,100
Wow, a new camcorder.
5
00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:15,600
Looks expensive.
Where'd you get the money?
6
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,100
Oh, Joe, why can't you
just let him enjoy it?
7
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:19,600
Why do you have
to be so cynical?
8
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,110
Where'd you get
the money for that?
9
00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:23,610
Sandpiper petty cash.
10
00:00:23,610 --> 00:00:26,110
All right. W-wait, wait, wait.
Before you get so uptight,
11
00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:28,110
don't you even wanna
know why I bought this?
12
00:00:28,110 --> 00:00:30,610
Oh. This oughta be good.
13
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:31,610
Okay.
14
00:00:31,610 --> 00:00:32,620
( sighs )
15
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:35,620
I bought it
to make a wedding gift
16
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:36,620
for you and Helen.
17
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,620
A wedding gift?
18
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:42,130
Yeah. A videotape
of you and your friends
19
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:44,130
telling the story
of how you guys got together.
20
00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:46,130
You know,
the whole relationship.
21
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:47,630
I thought
it would be something
22
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,630
that you could show
your grandchildren, you know?
23
00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:52,140
Something that the whole family
would treasure.
24
00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:53,640
Wow.
25
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,640
I don't know what to say.
26
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:58,640
That's really nice of you,
you know.
27
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,140
I'm sorry, brother.
28
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:01,140
Heh. Thanks.
29
00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:02,150
( chuckling )
30
00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:06,150
Brian, th-th-tha--
That is a lovely, lovely idea.
31
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,150
I'm very impressed.
32
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,650
Yeah. Me too.
33
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:11,650
Some of the quickest
thinking I've ever done.
34
00:01:11,650 --> 00:01:14,660
The problem is now
I gotta make the stupid thing.
35
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:16,660
( upbeat theme playing )
36
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,670
Okay, Fay, we're rolling.
37
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:23,170
So, quickly as you can,
38
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:24,670
just tell the camera
how Joe and Helen
39
00:01:24,670 --> 00:01:26,170
first got together.
40
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:28,670
I knew Joe and Helen
when they were just friends.
41
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:30,670
But even back then
I could tell they had a thing
42
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:32,180
for each other.
43
00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:34,180
I mean, they may
not have known it, but I did.
44
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,680
Joe, it's just a difference
in technique, that's all.
45
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,180
You're a stiff-lipper,
and I'm a soft.
46
00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:40,680
It's no big deal.
47
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,190
Well, I never really
thought about it before.
48
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:44,690
Does it make that
much of a difference?
49
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,190
Yes.
50
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:47,190
Here, I'll show you.
51
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,190
What? You wanna
kiss me again?
52
00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:50,190
Oh, don't be stupid.
53
00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:51,700
This is just
an acting exercise.
54
00:01:51,690 --> 00:01:53,200
Now, just relax.
55
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,200
Don't pucker up
like Dudley Do-Right.
56
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,200
Just relax your lips.
57
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:21,720
Mm.
Like that?
58
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,730
That was better.
That was much better.
59
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:26,230
Well, thanks for the tip.
60
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,230
Good night.
61
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,230
Good night.
62
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:33,740
BRIAN:
Anyway, tell me about
your first date.
63
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:37,240
Oh, well, um, we'd
been friends for so long
64
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,240
that at first
it was kind of strange.
65
00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:45,250
( both laughing )
66
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:46,750
No, I don't think so.
67
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:47,750
O-once more.
No.
68
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:48,750
Hey, once more.
69
00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:50,250
Be serious.
70
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:51,250
( laughs )
71
00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:52,260
Serious.
72
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:04,270
( tender theme playing )
73
00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:05,770
It's been a long day.
74
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,770
Yeah, I'm kind
of beat myself.
75
00:03:09,770 --> 00:03:11,770
And I'm certainly not
getting any rest back here.
76
00:03:11,770 --> 00:03:13,780
Brian, what are--?
( shouting )
77
00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:15,780
BRIAN:
When did you first
meet Joe and Helen?
78
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:17,780
Oh, uh--
Oh, that was, uh--
79
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,780
That was was their
first Valentine's Day
80
00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:21,280
as boyfriend and girlfriend.
81
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:22,790
I-I was working as a--
82
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:24,790
As a waiter in
an Italian restaurant.
83
00:03:24,790 --> 00:03:26,790
And there was
this big mix-up.
84
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:30,290
And then Helen ended up
waiting for Joe
85
00:03:30,290 --> 00:03:32,300
the whole night all alone.
86
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:36,800
I hate to see a beautiful woman
alone on such a romantic night.
87
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,300
Jacomo, viene!
88
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:40,300
Uh, no, I--
89
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:41,300
He's only a busboy now
90
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,810
but he has head waiter
written all over him.
91
00:03:43,810 --> 00:03:44,810
Oh, no. It's really o-- I'm--
92
00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:47,810
Signorina, meet
my cousin Jacomo.
93
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:50,810
Hello.
Your valentine
for this evening.
94
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:53,320
( clears throat )
95
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,820
Hi.
96
00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:56,820
( speaking in Italian )
97
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:11,830
What'd he say?
98
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:13,340
He say you're nice.
99
00:04:15,340 --> 00:04:17,340
I give it a year, tops.
100
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:20,340
BRIAN:
Uh, you're supposed to say
something nice, Roy.
101
00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:21,850
That was something nice.
102
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,850
I really only
give it six months.
103
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:25,850
Would you say
something positive?
104
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:27,850
Oh, all right.
All right, uh...
105
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,850
( chuckles )
106
00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:31,850
Those two sure could fight.
107
00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:33,360
JOE:
Helen, what are--?
108
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,360
What are you gonna--?
109
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,860
( yelps )
110
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,360
Oh, no.
111
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,860
No, no, you wouldn't.
112
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:42,370
Oh, no?
Okay. All right.
113
00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:43,870
You wanna
play hardball?
114
00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:45,870
( strings squeak )
115
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:49,370
You stab the plane,
the cello here gets it.
116
00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:53,380
Let the cello go, Joe,
and nobody gets hurt.
117
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,380
You put that ice pick down
or this cello's
118
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:58,380
gonna be playing
in the violin section.
119
00:04:58,380 --> 00:05:00,880
You don't think
I'll do it, do you?
120
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,390
No.
Guess again!
121
00:05:02,390 --> 00:05:03,390
( air hisses )
122
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:04,390
( screams )
123
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:07,890
( Helen screams )
124
00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:09,890
( Joe laughing )
125
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:11,390
Yes!
126
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,400
You're messy Joe.
You're messy, messy, messy.
127
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,900
I cannot believe
you did this to me.
128
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:20,400
I-- I can't believe you--
129
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,910
Believe Joe, believe.
130
00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:26,410
Why, you snot-faced,
little--
131
00:05:28,410 --> 00:05:29,410
( screams )
132
00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:33,420
( screams )
133
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,420
Truce! Truce!
134
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,420
Look at us.
135
00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:43,430
We're acting like children.
136
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:46,930
This is ridiculous.
137
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:50,430
Put the fire
extinguisher down.
138
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:52,940
You put the grease gun
down first.
139
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:02,950
Oh, honey.
140
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:09,450
Oh, see, it was more of a--
A spat than a fight.
141
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:10,450
Yeah.
BRIAN: Well, what--?
142
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:11,450
No, what happened then?
143
00:06:11,450 --> 00:06:12,960
( stammers, chuckles )
144
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,460
I don't wanna
talk about it.
145
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:15,960
Joe, what happened then?
146
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,460
She left me.
147
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,460
Every musician worth his salt
has to take a shot at New York.
148
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:22,970
If I can make it there,
I can make it any--
149
00:06:22,970 --> 00:06:24,470
Well, you know.
150
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:27,470
Helen, just wait.
Just wait.
151
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,470
Please stay.
152
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,980
I can't.
153
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:37,480
But thank you
for asking.
154
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,980
Helen...
155
00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:47,490
I love you.
156
00:06:50,490 --> 00:06:52,000
I love you too.
157
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,010
And that was it.
We broke up.
158
00:07:03,010 --> 00:07:04,510
( sniffling )
159
00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:08,510
BRIAN:
Uh, Helen, then--?
Then what happened?
160
00:07:08,510 --> 00:07:11,010
Well, um...
161
00:07:11,010 --> 00:07:14,520
( crying )
162
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,520
Cut.
163
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,020
( mellow theme playing )
164
00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:22,530
Helen, are--? Are you--?
Are you okay now?
165
00:07:22,530 --> 00:07:24,530
Yes, I'm fine.
Okay.
166
00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:27,530
So you went to New York
to pursue your music career.
167
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:30,030
And eight months later you came
back a complete failure.
168
00:07:30,030 --> 00:07:32,540
Oh, thanks, Brian.
I'd almost gotten over that.
169
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,040
All right.
All right. All right.
170
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,540
I've got an announcement
to make.
171
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:37,540
I'm only gonna say this once.
172
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,540
New York sucked.
173
00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:42,050
It was terrible.
My life was terrible.
174
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,550
My job was terrible.
175
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:46,050
I lived in a terrible
rat-infested apartment building.
176
00:07:46,050 --> 00:07:48,050
It was the absolute
low point of my existence.
177
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,050
And I don't wanna
ever, ever, ever,
178
00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:52,560
ever talk about
that city again.
179
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,560
Okay. Any questions?
180
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,560
Did you see
any good shows?
181
00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:07,570
The only show I saw
was a man peeing on 42nd Street.
182
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:11,570
Was that the new
Andrew Lloyd Webber musical?
183
00:08:11,570 --> 00:08:15,080
Now, when Helen found out that
Joe was dating another woman
184
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,080
while she
was in New York, she--
185
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,080
Well, now,
how can I put this nicely?
186
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,080
She went loony.
187
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,080
She freaked.
188
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,090
She went psycho.
189
00:08:23,090 --> 00:08:25,590
I did not go psycho.
190
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:27,090
JOE:
Helen.
191
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,090
Helen, you know
I don't allow cars in here.
192
00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:30,090
She knows I don't.
193
00:08:30,090 --> 00:08:31,590
( engine revs )
194
00:08:31,590 --> 00:08:32,600
( tires squeal )
195
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,110
Okay, I admit I had
some unresolved issues,
196
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,610
but that's why I went
to the therapy group
197
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,110
and worked them all out.
198
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:47,110
Why don't we try
a little role play.
199
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:49,610
I mean, one of our men here
could pretend to be Joe
200
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:52,120
and the two of you could
have a conversation.
201
00:08:52,110 --> 00:08:55,620
Tell Joe what you
really think of him.
202
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:56,620
( giggles )
203
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,120
No. I couldn't tell him
what I really think of Joe.
204
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,620
MAN:
Use me.
205
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:02,130
I'm a tool.
206
00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:06,130
Okay.
207
00:09:10,130 --> 00:09:11,130
Joe...
208
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:12,640
( mouths ):
That's me, yes.
209
00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:17,140
You shouldn't have
treated me the way you did.
210
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,140
You lied to me.
211
00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:21,140
You tricked me.
212
00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:23,650
You let me believe
we had a relationship.
213
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:25,650
Just who the hell
do you think you are,
214
00:09:25,650 --> 00:09:27,650
two-timing me
with some floozy?
215
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,150
I'll tell ya who you are,
216
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:34,660
you're a no-good, cheat, liar,
pious, self-righteous S.O.B.,
217
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:38,660
and I'd like to bite your head
off and shove it down your neck!
218
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:43,170
I don't wanna play anymore.
219
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:44,670
So Joe and Helen went right--
220
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,670
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
221
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,670
I wanna be in the shot.
222
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:48,670
No, you can't be in the--
223
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,670
Ju-- Ju--
Get back there. Come on.
224
00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:54,680
Please. This is for,
you know, my brother.
225
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,180
Okay. So Joe and Helen
went right on pretending
226
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,680
that they weren't in love.
227
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,680
But who were they kidding, huh?
228
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:01,680
( laughing )
229
00:10:03,190 --> 00:10:06,690
Joe, I'm so over you,
it's not even funny.
230
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,690
Yeah, you wish
you were over me.
231
00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:11,190
You wish you were all over me.
232
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,200
You know what I think?
233
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,700
I think you're
the one not over me yet.
234
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:20,700
( chuckling )
Ha!
235
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,710
Oh, I feel nothing for you.
236
00:10:22,710 --> 00:10:23,710
I-I-- Less than nothing.
237
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:25,710
I'm more attracted
to that piece of meat.
238
00:10:25,710 --> 00:10:26,710
Oh, yeah?
239
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:28,210
Then why don't
you kiss it?
240
00:10:31,710 --> 00:10:35,720
Uh, you know, uh,
that really wasn't a kiss.
241
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,220
This is more of a kiss:
242
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:43,230
Yeah. That was more like
your kisses: cold and dead.
243
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:56,740
( Helen squeaks )
244
00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:04,750
What the hell was that?
( stammering )
245
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,250
I don't know.
I don't know.
246
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,750
One minute we're spanking
each other with meat,
247
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,750
the next minute it got weird.
248
00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:12,760
ANTONIO:
Okay, about Joe and Helen--
249
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,760
Yo, Brian, over here.
250
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:15,760
Hello. Brian!
251
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,260
BRIAN:
Yeah, I was just--
252
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,760
I was just adjusting
the focus, there.
253
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,260
Y-y-yeah, right.
254
00:11:20,260 --> 00:11:22,260
As I was saying, um, it--
255
00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:25,770
I-it's strange, me talking
about Joe and Helen, uh,
256
00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:29,270
because, after all,
I was her first husband.
257
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:33,280
I think some marriages are--
Are based on love.
258
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:38,280
Uh, ours was based on something
even more powerful:
259
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,280
My fear of getting my butt
kicked out of the country.
260
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,790
Excuse me.
261
00:11:42,790 --> 00:11:45,290
I'm George Fulham from
Immigration-Naturalization.
262
00:11:45,290 --> 00:11:47,790
I'm supposed to meet
an Antonio Scarpacci.
263
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,790
Does anyone here
know him?
264
00:11:50,790 --> 00:11:52,300
Uh, no, I don't. Do you, Joe?
265
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,300
No. I don't.
266
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:56,800
You, Lowell?
267
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,300
No. I don't.
268
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,300
Do you, Antonio?
269
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,810
I am Antonio Scarpacci.
270
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,310
How do you do?
271
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:14,320
So this meeting was supposed to
be with you and your fiancée.
272
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,320
Where is she?
273
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,320
Uh, my fiancée...
274
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,320
Uh, she's...
275
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,830
She's, uh...
276
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:25,830
Right here, you silly.
277
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,830
He's always
kiddin' around.
278
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,330
( laughs )
279
00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:32,840
I'm such a nut.
280
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,840
Joe and Helen?
I don't even know them.
281
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,340
What am I supposed to say?
282
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:39,840
BRIAN:
Well, uh,
just tell them about yourself.
283
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,350
Okay. Well, my name is Brooke.
284
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,350
Uh-huh.
I'm from Newton, Massachusetts.
285
00:12:44,350 --> 00:12:47,450
Uh-huh.
I have a wonderful husband.
286
00:12:47,450 --> 00:12:51,350
Well, for the next year or so,
Joe and Helen played the field.
287
00:12:51,350 --> 00:12:53,360
I mean, they're
intelligent, attractive people.
288
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,860
It's not as though they had
a hard time finding dates.
289
00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:57,860
Are you trying
to hurt my feelings?
290
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,360
You don't have
any feelings!
291
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,860
You're a puppet!
You're made of wood!
292
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:02,370
Would you
just shut up?
293
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,870
( laughing obnoxiously )
294
00:13:12,370 --> 00:13:14,380
Well, uh, I know that Helen
295
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:15,880
is not gonna like
this part too much,
296
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,880
but as far as dating goes,
297
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,380
I was on a real roll
there for a while.
298
00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:20,880
Oh, no--
Oh, yeah.
299
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,390
--he's gonna bring up
the 19-year-old again.
300
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:23,890
Well, come on.
We had a lot in common.
301
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,890
I'm meeting a bunch
of my friends there
302
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:28,390
and I happen to know
there's an extra ticket.
303
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:29,890
Wanna go?
304
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:31,390
Yeah. Why not?
305
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:32,900
I'd love to go
see Pearl Jam.
306
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:35,900
Joe Hackett
at a Pearl Jam concert?
307
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:38,400
( laughs )
308
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,900
Pearl Bailey, maybe.
309
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,410
You going out with
a girl that age is crazy.
310
00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:47,410
She is a child.
311
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,410
What could you
possibly have in common?
312
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:51,910
I mean, for God sakes, Joe,
I bathed that girl.
313
00:13:51,910 --> 00:13:52,920
I tucked her in.
314
00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:55,420
What a coincidence.
315
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,420
I, on the other hand, went out
with more appropriate people,
316
00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:05,930
decent men, my own age,
who shared common interests.
317
00:14:05,930 --> 00:14:08,930
I'd like you to dress up
like Little Bo Peep...
318
00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:12,940
...hog-tie me to the bedpost
and spank me for being the bad,
319
00:14:12,940 --> 00:14:14,440
bad boy that I am.
320
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,450
Excuse me.
321
00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:25,450
I know the going rate
for you girls is $300
322
00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:28,450
but for this I'm willing
to up it to five.
323
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,450
Oh, my God.
324
00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:30,950
This is the most disgust--
325
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:33,460
Five hundred dollars?
326
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:34,460
Hey, don't make it sound like
327
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,460
that's the only kind
of guys I went out with.
328
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,460
You brought up
the 19-year-old.
329
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,960
Well, if I didn't,
you sure would have.
330
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,960
Oh, and it drives you crazy,
doesn't it?
331
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:41,960
Oh, don't you wish it did?
332
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,470
BRIAN:
So when did you two realize
333
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:45,470
that you couldn't
live without each other?
334
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,470
BOTH:
Cut.
335
00:14:48,970 --> 00:14:50,970
( mellow theme playing )
336
00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:54,480
Okay, Fay, so Joe
and Helen were going along fine,
337
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,980
two friends...
338
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,980
Oh, uh, yeah,
a-and then Davis Lynch
339
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,480
came into the picture.
340
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,980
You see, uh, Joe wanted
to expand the airline
341
00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:04,990
so he flew Davis in
and tried to get him to invest.
342
00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:06,990
The only problem was
Davis was more interested
343
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,990
in Helen than
he was in Sandpiper.
344
00:15:08,990 --> 00:15:10,990
I've learned you don't
invest in business,
345
00:15:10,990 --> 00:15:11,990
you invest in people.
346
00:15:11,990 --> 00:15:13,500
Great, sure,
I'd be glad to show you--
347
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:16,000
Uh-uh-uh.
348
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,000
But you'd rather go
with someone like...
349
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,000
Helen?
Mmm.
350
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,010
Could you maybe show Lynch
around the island?
351
00:15:25,510 --> 00:15:26,510
Well, why me?
352
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,510
Well, uh...
353
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:32,010
I guess he's
lookin' for a little,
354
00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:34,020
you know, companionship.
355
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:36,020
Oh, really?
356
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:39,520
So he wanted a girl
and you just pointed at me.
357
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,020
No, no, no. He pointed
at you, and I said okay.
358
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:47,030
Look, take him around
and show him a good time.
359
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,030
Excuse me.
Entertain him.
360
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:50,030
Give him the lay of the land.
361
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:52,030
Oh, I-- Oh, boy,
that came out wrong.
362
00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:56,540
The best part
was that Chappel and Lynch
363
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:58,540
ended up dating
for over a year.
364
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,040
( laughing )
365
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,050
It drove Hackett nuts.
366
00:16:03,050 --> 00:16:05,550
He brought me a present.
367
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:07,050
Helen, you shouldn't open that.
368
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:08,550
Yes, I'm gonna open it.
369
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,050
That way I'll know
how to reciprocate.
370
00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:11,550
You know,
cover my butt.
371
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,060
Well that's certainly
not gonna do it.
372
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,560
Oh, God, I hope this
is not for me.
373
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,560
Maybe he bought it
for another woman.
374
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,070
Bastard.
375
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:26,070
Maybe it's for him...
376
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:28,570
the bitch.
377
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:31,570
Oh, I remember the day
that Davis proposed to Helen
378
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:34,580
like it was yesterday.
379
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:37,080
Wait, what did I do yesterday?
380
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,580
I want you
to marry me.
381
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:43,090
Um, what?
382
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:46,090
Are you gonna make me
say this again?
383
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:49,590
Yeah, I-I think I definitely
need to hear that one more time.
384
00:16:50,590 --> 00:16:54,600
Helen, will you marry me?
385
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,100
( voice cracking ):
Yes.
386
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:05,610
I'll tell you, my brother
Joe is one classy guy.
387
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:07,110
I mean, even though he was
still in love with Helen,
388
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,610
he wasn't about
to stand in her way.
389
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:11,110
Listen, Helen, um, I just--
390
00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:12,620
I just wanna say
congratulations again.
391
00:17:12,610 --> 00:17:15,120
You know, I-I'm sure that you
and Davis will be really happy.
392
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,120
Yes, we are.
393
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:20,120
I-- I think that I really
picked the right man.
394
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,120
Mm-hm.
395
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:37,640
BRIAN:
Which led to one of
the weirder moments of my life.
396
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,140
It's true what they say,
you know.
397
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:40,640
Once you break up
with somebody
398
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,150
you can never
get back together, huh?
399
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,150
Huh?
400
00:17:45,150 --> 00:17:48,150
Oh, come on, Joey, talk to me.
401
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:51,650
Yeow!
402
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,160
But when it's right,
it's right.
403
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,660
And after that night,
404
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:00,160
Joe and Helen knew immediately
that what they had
405
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,160
was the stuff
dreams are made of.
406
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,170
No, look, listen,
you cannot just run out on me--
407
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,670
Ugh, Joe, would you quit making
such a big deal about this?
408
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:07,670
What we did last night
was just sex.
409
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,170
Nothing else.
It was just sex.
410
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:11,170
That's all it was: sex!
411
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,680
So I went off to New York
412
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,180
thinking that
I was gonna marry Davis.
413
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,680
And then Joe chased after me
414
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,680
and proposed to me
in Davis' elevator.
415
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,190
Damn it, Helen.
416
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,690
When you walked out
this morning,
417
00:18:25,690 --> 00:18:27,690
I-I felt all the life
drain out of me.
418
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:30,190
I sat at that counter,
and all I could think about
419
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:32,700
is all the years we've known
each other, since we were kids.
420
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:34,200
We've already spent
a lifetime together.
421
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,200
Nobody knows me
better than you.
422
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,200
No one knows you
better than I do.
423
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,700
How can you even think
about marrying Lynch?
424
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,700
It's wrong.
425
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,710
Having kids with him,
426
00:18:44,710 --> 00:18:45,710
growing old together,
427
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:48,710
that's our marriage.
428
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,210
Those are our kids.
429
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:53,220
That's our lifetime.
430
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:59,220
We're supposed to be together.
431
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:02,730
I love you, Helen.
432
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:10,230
Well, I guess, uh...
433
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:14,240
sometimes love
just isn't enough, huh?
434
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,240
( elevator whirrs )
435
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,240
Ask me again.
436
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:22,740
What?
437
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:24,750
Ask me again.
438
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,750
Will you marry me?
439
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:33,260
Oh, what the heck.
440
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,760
BRIAN:
So now that they're
finally getting married,
441
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,270
is there anything you'd
like to say to Joe and Helen?
442
00:19:45,270 --> 00:19:49,270
Well, Joe,
you've always been like a son.
443
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:51,770
And, Helen, you've always
been like a daughter.
444
00:19:51,770 --> 00:19:54,780
So, for me, I feel like
my son and daughter
445
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:56,780
are marrying each other.
446
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,780
Oh, wait.
That's kind of sick.
447
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:02,280
Helen, Joe, now that
you're a couple, uh,
448
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:03,790
when you
come home at night
449
00:20:03,790 --> 00:20:06,790
someone will always
be there waiting for you.
450
00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:10,290
Unlike, say, me.
451
00:20:10,290 --> 00:20:12,290
Hackett, Chappel,
I've worked alongside you
452
00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:14,300
for many years now.
453
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,300
BRIAN:
Yes?
454
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:18,800
Go on. I'm still rolling.
455
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,800
I was done.
456
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,810
Helen, you're my baby sister
and I love you.
457
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:26,810
I just hope that your marriage
isn't the rotting cesspool
458
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,810
of disappointment, lies
and betrayal that mine was.
459
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,810
Cheers.
460
00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:37,320
Now, let's see.
Joe, Helen, what can I say?
461
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,820
( Brian clears throat )
462
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:45,830
Lowell? Lowell?
463
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:46,830
I'm thinking.
464
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:49,330
Okay. That's about it.
465
00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:51,830
That's--
That's my gift to you.
466
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:53,340
Um...
467
00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:56,840
Now, uh, just one more
thing to my brother Joe.
468
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,340
Uh, well, you're more
than my brother.
469
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:01,840
You're my best friend.
470
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,850
And, um, to my other
best friend, Helen,
471
00:21:04,850 --> 00:21:07,350
I just wanna say
that I couldn't be
472
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,850
happier or prouder
473
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,850
that you're gonna be
my new sister-in-law. Agh!
474
00:21:12,850 --> 00:21:14,860
So, um...
475
00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:19,860
I wish you a long
and happy, happy marriage.
476
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:24,370
( crying ):
Oh, I'm so alone.
477
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:26,870
Oh, God.
478
00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:29,870
BRIAN:
So are you guys nervous about
getting married or what, huh?
479
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:31,370
Absolutely not.
480
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:33,380
We've never been more sure
of anything in our lives.
481
00:21:33,380 --> 00:21:34,880
Right, Joe?
Oh, absolutely.
482
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,880
Okay, so, uh,
now give each other a big kiss
483
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:39,880
for the camera.
484
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:40,880
Come on.
485
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,380
Co-- Oh. No, eh, come on.
486
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:43,890
Big smooch
for eternity.
487
00:21:43,890 --> 00:21:45,390
Let's go.
Put 'em together.
488
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,400
I love you.
489
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,400
I love you too.
490
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,910
God, do you believe Grandma and
Grandpa were ever that young?
491
00:22:04,910 --> 00:22:05,910
Mm-mm.
492
00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:09,910
( mellow theme playing )
493
00:22:12,910 --> 00:22:24,930
( instrumental version of
"Isn't It Romantic" playing )
34318
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