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1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:06,090
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:09,590
( gasps )
3
00:00:09,590 --> 00:00:10,590
Oh.
4
00:00:10,590 --> 00:00:12,600
Hi. What do you think?
5
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,600
Oh, Helen,
it's beautiful.
6
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,100
You know, ever since
I was a little girl,
7
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,600
I dreamed of a dress
just like this.
8
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,100
Now I have the dress,
and the boobs to go with it.
9
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:21,610
( laughs )
10
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,110
Uh-- Uh, but why
are you wearing it
11
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:24,110
in the middle of the airport?
12
00:00:24,110 --> 00:00:25,610
It was just delivered
from New York,
13
00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,110
and I couldn't wait
to try it on.
14
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,610
Oh. Ooh, uh, whatever you do,
15
00:00:28,610 --> 00:00:30,110
don't let Joe
see you in it.
16
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:32,120
You know, it's bad luck
if the groom sees the bride
17
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,120
in her wedding dress
before the ceremony.
18
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,120
I know. That's why I waited
till Joe was off on his flight.
19
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,620
Oh, no. Th-- That flight
got in early.
20
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:40,620
He's on his way in.
No.
21
00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:42,630
If he sees me,
I can't wear this dress.
22
00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:46,130
Hi, Fay.
Oh, hi.
23
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:47,630
Uh, did I
get any phone calls?
24
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,630
Uh, yes.
Your barber called.
25
00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:52,140
He wants you to confirm
your appointment for tomorrow.
26
00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:54,640
My barber?
27
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,140
That's sort of
weird.
28
00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,140
I just got a haircut
last week.
Out of the way.
29
00:00:58,140 --> 00:00:59,640
FAY: Well, he just
realized...
Move!
30
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,650
...that he forgot to
even out your sideburns.
31
00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:04,150
And besides,
you're getting
32
00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:05,650
a little ragged around
the ears.
Excuse me.
33
00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:08,150
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Get out of my way!
All right.
34
00:01:08,150 --> 00:01:10,150
I'll call him in a little while.
I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.
35
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,160
No, no, no!
36
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:16,660
Lowell, let me in.
( drill whirs )
37
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,160
LOWELL:
Just a second, Helen.
38
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,670
Okay, now.
39
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:22,670
Oh, Helen,
you're getting
40
00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:24,170
that pretty dress
all dirty.
No.
41
00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:25,170
Come on up.
No. No!
42
00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:26,670
Come on up here. All right.
Ooh. Get up here.
43
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:30,670
Helen, you look beautiful.
That dress is perfect.
44
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:33,680
( crying )
45
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,680
Oh, nice going.
46
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,680
Don't you know it's
bad luck to see the bride
47
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:38,680
in her wedding dr--?
48
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:41,690
Oops.
49
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,190
( upbeat theme playing )
50
00:01:49,690 --> 00:01:52,200
Oh, Joe. I have
some good news.
51
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,700
Oh, uh, you found a new dress?
52
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:54,700
( plane flies overhead )
53
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:57,700
Oh-- Oh, honey. Okay, okay,
all right. All right.
54
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,200
Okay, okay. L--
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
55
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,700
What's your good news?
56
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,710
Well, it turns out
that the reverend
57
00:02:02,710 --> 00:02:04,710
that I really want
to marry us is available.
58
00:02:04,710 --> 00:02:06,710
Oh, that's terrific.
And so he's gonna come here
59
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,710
to meet with us and
talk about the ceremony.
60
00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:10,710
He can help us come up with
something really unique.
61
00:02:10,710 --> 00:02:12,720
Uh...how unique?
62
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,720
Well, I was thinking maybe
a Hindu love chant--
63
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:16,720
No. Forget it. Nope. No.
64
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,220
No, I don't want
any of that weird
65
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,220
woo-woo stuff
at our wedding.
66
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:22,730
It's not
woo-woo st--
67
00:02:22,730 --> 00:02:24,230
Oh. Maybe
it's a little woo-woo.
68
00:02:24,230 --> 00:02:26,730
Oh, Joe,
I want woo-woo.
69
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:28,730
( claps hands )
Hey! Guess who
70
00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:31,730
just got asked
to be a guest
71
00:02:31,730 --> 00:02:33,740
on the Mary Pat Lee Show?
72
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:35,740
You're kidding.
Really?
73
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:36,740
Uh-huh. That's right.
74
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:37,740
They're doing a segment on men
75
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,740
who are smart,
sexy, and single.
76
00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:40,740
( chuckles )
77
00:02:42,250 --> 00:02:43,250
And they wanted you?
78
00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:46,250
Actually, they were
asking about you,
79
00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:47,250
but I told 'em
you were engaged.
80
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,250
Really?
81
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:49,750
No, but I just love
that pathetic,
82
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:51,250
hopeful look
in your eyes.
83
00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:53,760
Like I really want to
be on that stupid show.
84
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,260
I mean, uh, only women
in curlers and housecoats
85
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:57,760
watch the Mary Pat Lee Show.
86
00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,260
Mary Pat Lee?
87
00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:01,260
Oh, I love that show.
88
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:03,770
I mean...
89
00:03:03,770 --> 00:03:04,770
I only watch it
because
90
00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:06,770
it comes on
after my stories.
91
00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:11,270
I cannot believe that you
get to be on that show.
92
00:03:11,270 --> 00:03:13,280
You're gonna be
on Mary Pat Lee?
93
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,280
Yes, I am.
94
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:15,780
( gasps )
95
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:17,780
They said that I can invite
all my friends
96
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,280
to sit in
the studio audience, so...
97
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,280
you guys are all invited.
98
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:21,790
( gasps )
99
00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:26,290
I'm not gonna miss this.
100
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,290
I'll come.
101
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,290
Yeah, it'll be
next Thursday.
102
00:03:28,290 --> 00:03:29,790
Oh, no. Thursday's the day
103
00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:30,790
we have to meet
with the reverend.
104
00:03:30,790 --> 00:03:33,300
Well, honey, blow him off.
I wanna see Brian on TV.
105
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,800
Joe, you don't blow off
a man of the cloth.
106
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,310
Besides, Thursday's the only
day he's available.
107
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,310
Oh, what's the big deal?
It's just a talk show.
108
00:03:45,310 --> 00:03:47,310
Just a talk show?
109
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:48,310
Obviously,
you didn't see the one
110
00:03:48,310 --> 00:03:51,820
where Mary Pat Lee
broke down on the air
111
00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:54,820
and confessed that she'd once
been addicted to nose spray.
112
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,330
She-- She helped
so many of us that day.
113
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:05,330
( upbeat theme playing )
114
00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:11,840
Fay, uh...
115
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:13,840
did Reverend Powell
call?
116
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,840
Oh, I don't know.
I've been swamped.
( sighs )
117
00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:20,840
I'm really sorry,
but I cannot let you go
118
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,350
to see Brian's show.
119
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:23,850
I need someone here
to take reservations.
120
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:25,850
Well-- A-And it's
a good thing I stayed.
121
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:28,350
Uh, please everybody,
get in line.
122
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:31,860
I can only handle
one of you at a time.
123
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,360
Helen, look, this reverend is
already over three minutes late.
124
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,360
Obviously, he's
not gonna show.
125
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,360
So, uh, I'm just gonna
get going so I have time
126
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,360
to get to Boston
and see Brian's show.
127
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:42,370
HELEN:
Look, there he is.
128
00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:44,370
Now, look, Joe,
this is our wedding.
129
00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:45,870
Now, we're not just
gonna race through it
130
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:47,370
just because you want to
go to Brian's show.
131
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,370
Okay. Fine, fine. Come on.
Let's get this over with.
132
00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:52,380
Uh, Reverend Powell, hi.
I'm Joe. She's Helen.
133
00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:53,880
Hello.
Well, enough small talk.
134
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,380
Let's get this show
on the road.
135
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:56,880
Um, reverend...
( clears throat )
136
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,380
...we are so pleased
that you took the time
137
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:01,890
to come here and
talk with us today.
138
00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:05,890
So...
139
00:05:09,390 --> 00:05:10,890
You are...
140
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:12,400
getting...
141
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,900
married.
142
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:14,900
( mouths ):
Yup.
143
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,900
Tell me...
144
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:19,900
why?
145
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:20,900
Well, I love her,
she loves me.
146
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:22,410
There's not really
much more to it.
147
00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:25,410
Love...
148
00:05:25,410 --> 00:05:26,910
is a...
149
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,410
good place...
150
00:05:28,410 --> 00:05:29,910
to start.
151
00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:33,920
But marriage...
152
00:05:35,420 --> 00:05:36,920
takes work...
153
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:39,920
and...
154
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:40,920
patience--
155
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,430
Patience, got it.
Anything else?
156
00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:43,930
Okay?
157
00:05:43,930 --> 00:05:45,430
Joe. Sweetheart.
158
00:05:45,430 --> 00:05:46,930
Slow down.
159
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,430
You have no place to go.
160
00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:51,430
I understand...
161
00:05:51,430 --> 00:05:52,940
Helen.
( sighs )
162
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,940
I'm reminded...
163
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:57,940
of a story.
164
00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:59,940
( sighs )
165
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,450
About a shepherd.
166
00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:06,450
The shepherd...
167
00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:08,450
was resting...
168
00:06:08,950 --> 00:06:11,450
with his flock...
169
00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:14,960
by the...side...
170
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:17,460
of the--
171
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,460
Road, river, silvery moon?
Um...
172
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:21,970
No.
173
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:22,970
Meadow.
174
00:06:22,970 --> 00:06:24,470
Can I get you
something to drink?
175
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:25,470
A double espresso, something?
176
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,970
Thank you, no.
177
00:06:28,970 --> 00:06:30,470
I've had...
178
00:06:30,470 --> 00:06:32,480
three...
179
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,980
cups...
180
00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:34,980
today.
181
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,980
I'm...
182
00:06:38,980 --> 00:06:40,480
pretty...
183
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,990
hyper.
184
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:42,990
( grunts )
185
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:45,490
( mellow theme playing )
186
00:06:50,990 --> 00:06:52,500
Oh. I can't believe
187
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:54,500
we're here
where the magic happens.
188
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,000
Oh, look. Look.
Right there.
189
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,000
Right there is where
Mary Pat broke down
190
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,510
and confessed she once
did a porn video.
191
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,510
And-- And over there--
Over there's where
192
00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:09,010
she broke down and confessed
that she had an eating disorder.
193
00:07:09,010 --> 00:07:11,510
And...right here.
Right here is where
194
00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:14,020
she just broke down
195
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:15,520
and confessed
that she paid
196
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,520
for her tummy tuck out of
the show's petty cash.
197
00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:22,530
She's human,
like the rest of us.
198
00:07:22,530 --> 00:07:23,530
Damn.
199
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:24,530
What's wrong?
200
00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:25,530
You know what?
201
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:27,530
Before I left
the house this morning,
202
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,530
I think I might have
left my iron on.
203
00:07:29,530 --> 00:07:31,530
Ah. So what's the worst
that can happen?
204
00:07:31,530 --> 00:07:33,040
Your house burns down,
you lose everything.
205
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,540
What's the big deal?
206
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:37,040
Yeah, you're right.
Let's enjoy the show.
207
00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:40,040
Oh, look. Look,
there's Brian.
Hey.
208
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,040
There's Brian.
Hey, look. There's Mary Pat.
209
00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:46,550
You must be
Brian Hackett.
210
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,050
Hi.
Hi. I'm Mary Pat Lee.
211
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,550
Uh.
Thanks for being here.
212
00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:51,550
Hey, hey, hey. I'm very
flattered that you asked.
213
00:07:51,550 --> 00:07:53,060
Now, what we're gonna do
is start with you.
214
00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:55,060
We'll take some questions,
and then we'll bring out
215
00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:56,560
some of the other guys.
Okay.
216
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,560
You're not nervous,
are you?
217
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,060
Me? No, no, no, no.
In fact, I've been on TV before.
218
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:02,060
Uh, once, when I was
2-and-a-half years old,
219
00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:03,570
I was on the
Uncle Hippity-Hop Show.
220
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:04,570
I was the one
who accidentally
221
00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:06,570
went to the bathroom
in the carrot patch.
222
00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,070
( laughs )
223
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:09,570
You're great.
( mumbles )
224
00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:11,070
We're gonna have fun.
Okay.
225
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:12,580
( claps hands )
( chuckles )
226
00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:15,080
( energetic theme music
playing )
227
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:19,580
Hi. I'm Mary Pat Lee.
228
00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:21,580
( cheering, applause )
229
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:28,090
Well, you've dated them
and hated them.
230
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,090
Girls, they make us
promises,
231
00:08:30,090 --> 00:08:32,090
and then they
make a run for it.
232
00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:33,600
Today's show,
233
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,600
"Men Who Can't Commit.
234
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,100
What the Hell
is Their Problem?"
235
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,100
Huh?
236
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:41,600
Who are these
commitment-phobic creeps
237
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,110
who crawl into your heart
238
00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:45,110
and crack it
wide open?
239
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:47,110
Let me introduce
our first guest...
240
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:49,610
Brian Hackett.
241
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:51,610
( all boo )
242
00:08:51,610 --> 00:08:54,620
Wait, wait, wait. Th-- There
must be some mistake, uh...
243
00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:57,620
I'm smart, sexy and single.
244
00:08:57,620 --> 00:09:00,620
How many times have we fallen
for that line, girls?
245
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:03,630
Too many. Too many!
246
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,130
You-- You-- You--
You tricked me.
247
00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:06,630
I-I-- I shouldn't be
on this program.
248
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:09,630
I-- I've-- I've never had
a problem with commitment
249
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:10,630
of any kind.
250
00:09:10,630 --> 00:09:12,640
Oh, really?
Well, that's not what
251
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,640
your ex-girlfriend
tells us.
252
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,140
Oh, uh...how would you
know that?
253
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,140
Because...
254
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,640
she's right here.
255
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,650
( audience
murmuring )
256
00:09:25,150 --> 00:09:26,650
Alex.
257
00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:29,150
Hi, Brian.
258
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:31,150
( mellow theme playing )
259
00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:38,160
( mellow theme playing )
260
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,160
I know it hurts.
261
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,160
Just tell
your story.
262
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,170
Well, this is kind of hard.
263
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:46,170
Um...when I first met Brian,
264
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,670
I wasn't very interested.
265
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:51,170
But he was so persistent
and so charming
266
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,680
that he finally
won me over.
267
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,680
Oh, do I know that scene.
268
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,680
In fact...I have
a confession to make.
269
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,180
( all gasp )
270
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:07,190
My last boyfriend
pursued me for months.
271
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:10,190
And when I finally
gave myself to him,
272
00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:12,700
he dumped me for my sister.
273
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,200
( audience
gasps )
274
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,200
I was devastated.
275
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,200
So you were saying?
276
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,200
Well-- We started dating.
277
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,710
Uh, then he wanted to
move in together.
278
00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:27,710
I was a little nervous,
but he talked me into it.
279
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,710
Then the next thing
I knew,
280
00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:31,210
he freaked
and wanted out.
281
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:34,220
So, what he did
was seduce you,
282
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:36,720
use you
and lose you.
283
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,720
Excuse me,
I have something to say.
284
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:40,720
Yes?
285
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,730
Are we ever gonna get to
smart, sexy and single,
286
00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:45,230
or has that boat sailed?
287
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,230
This is pathetic.
288
00:10:49,230 --> 00:10:51,730
I cannot stand seeing Hackett
torn apart like that.
289
00:10:51,730 --> 00:10:53,740
If I was up there, she wouldn't
be getting away with this.
290
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,740
She'd be the one
twisting in the wind.
291
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:57,740
Mary Pat. Mary Pat. We have
a comment over here.
292
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:58,740
Shh!
293
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,250
All right, I just wanted to say
that all you chicks are just--
294
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:07,750
"Chicks!" What tar pit
did you crawl out of?
295
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,750
Well-- Well-- Uh-- Um, I...
296
00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:11,250
For your information,
Org,
297
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:12,760
I am not a chick.
298
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:16,760
I am a woman who demands
to be treated with respect.
299
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,260
Well, actually,
what I wanted to say is--
300
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,760
What you wanted to
say is,
301
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,270
you want to see us all
barefoot and pregnant.
302
00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:23,270
Well, screw that.
303
00:11:23,270 --> 00:11:24,770
Now, sit down
and shut up.
304
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:27,770
Yes, ma'am.
305
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,270
( all applaud )
306
00:11:30,770 --> 00:11:32,780
Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it.
307
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:35,280
I've got
something to say.
308
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,780
I'm Lowell Mather...
309
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,780
and I think
I left my iron on.
310
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:40,780
Anybody's--
311
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:43,290
Anybody's anywhere near
213 Church Lane in Nantucket,
312
00:11:43,290 --> 00:11:44,790
uh, could you check it
for me?
313
00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:46,290
Key's under the mat.
Thank you.
314
00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:52,290
Brian...
315
00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:53,800
talk to us.
316
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,300
What are you
thinking?
317
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,800
Tsk. What am I thinking?
I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
318
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,800
Uh, I'm thinking I can't
believe she did this.
319
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,810
I think that
this is really low.
320
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,310
Oh, really?
321
00:12:05,310 --> 00:12:06,810
One minute you're
telling me you love me,
322
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,310
the next minute you're--
You're telling me
323
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,810
you need your space and you want
to date other people.
324
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:12,320
How's that
for low?
325
00:12:12,310 --> 00:12:14,320
( audience applauds )
326
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,820
Sounds like
it's going great.
327
00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:21,320
Oh, it is. It is. This is
one of the best shows ever.
328
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,330
What are you doing here?
329
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:25,330
I thought you were meeting
with that minister.
330
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:27,330
Oh, oh. You mean
Reverend Valium?
331
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:31,330
No, uh-- I ditched him
during one of his pauses.
332
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:34,340
Oh, my God.
Is that Alex?
333
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:36,340
Sir? Sir? Did you
have something to say?
334
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:37,840
Um, uh...
335
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:38,840
Yeah. Um,
336
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,340
I'm Brian's brother, Joe.
337
00:12:42,850 --> 00:12:43,850
Joe. What do you
think
338
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:46,350
of your brother's
relationships with women?
339
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,350
Well, hey, what can I say?
He's a Hackett.
340
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:49,850
I mean, he's a heartbreaker.
341
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:51,350
As a matter of fact,
if you're bringing out
342
00:12:51,350 --> 00:12:53,860
old girlfriends, you should have
booked a stadium. Hoo, hoo, hoo.
343
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:54,860
Joe. Joe!
344
00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:58,360
Well, I think
it runs in the family.
345
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,860
( laughs ):
I-it sure does, baby.
346
00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:03,370
Let's get back
to Brian:
347
00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:07,370
a heartless heel who,
when it comes to women,
348
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,870
hunts 'em, hurts 'em
349
00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:11,870
and humiliates 'em.
350
00:13:11,870 --> 00:13:13,380
Go on, girl.
351
00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:14,880
( all cheer )
352
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,380
Don't you people ever
break for commercials?
353
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:21,380
( upbeat piano theme playing )
354
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:28,390
Oh, Brian,
I saw the show.
355
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:29,390
Oh, God.
356
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:31,390
Oh, uh, no, no, no, no.
You were wonderful.
357
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:33,400
Uh, by the way, dear,
I have some messages for you.
358
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,400
You got three death threats,
ten calls from women
359
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,900
who think they can change you,
360
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,900
and an "attaboy"
from Andrew Dice Clay.
361
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,910
Oh, Hackett,
don't sweat it.
362
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:44,910
It could've been
worse, huh?
363
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:47,910
At least I put that
nutcracker in her place.
364
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,910
Listen, Roy, I hate to
point this out,
365
00:13:49,910 --> 00:13:51,910
because you're the only one
who defended me,
366
00:13:51,910 --> 00:13:54,920
but...she did make you cry.
367
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,420
Well, at least it took
368
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:57,920
the heat off you
for a while.
369
00:13:59,420 --> 00:14:00,920
( crying ):
She was mean.
370
00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:03,930
All right.
371
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,930
Excuse me one minute.
372
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:10,430
My iron. My iron.
373
00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:11,430
My iron.
374
00:14:12,940 --> 00:14:15,440
Fay, did you see me?
Did you see me?
375
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,440
Oh, yes, Antonio.
You were hard to miss.
376
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:18,940
( laughing ):
Hey, Brian, Brian--
377
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:21,440
No! No! No! No! No!
378
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:22,950
No. No, no, no, no, no.
What did I tell you?
379
00:14:22,950 --> 00:14:26,450
What did I tell you
about the circle of safety?
380
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,950
No closer than 10 feet
at all times.
381
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:31,450
You come any closer,
I'll cut you, man.
382
00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:31,950
Oh.
383
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,960
Come on. But it was
all in fun.
384
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,960
What did I really do
that was so bad?
385
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,960
Uh, I think it was when
you stood up and yelled,
386
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,470
( imitating Antonio ):
"Come on, girls, let's get him."
387
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:44,470
( laughs )
388
00:14:44,470 --> 00:14:46,470
( upbeat piano theme playing )
389
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,480
Well, well.
390
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,980
If it isn't Lambert.
391
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,980
Roy.
392
00:14:59,980 --> 00:15:01,480
What are you doing
back on the island?
393
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,990
Oh, no, wait. Let me guess.
394
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,990
You've been hanging out
with those low-rent guys,
395
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:09,990
and now you're finally ready
to check into the Hotel...
396
00:15:09,990 --> 00:15:11,490
Roy.
397
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,500
Oh, yeah. The Hotel Roy.
Hm.
398
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,500
That's the big hotel
where the elevator's too small,
399
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,000
and it never goes up.
400
00:15:24,510 --> 00:15:26,510
Well, yeah-- I-- I...
401
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,510
( gasps )
402
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:29,510
She's mean.
403
00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:33,020
Hi, Fay.
404
00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:35,020
Oh, Alex. Good to see you.
405
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,020
Oh!
406
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,020
What have you been doing
with yourself all this time?
407
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:41,020
Well, when I left here,
I traveled Europe for a while.
408
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:43,030
And then when I got back,
I was the personal pilot
409
00:15:43,030 --> 00:15:45,030
for a corporate CEO.
410
00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:47,530
And now I'm flying the medevac
for Boston General.
411
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:48,530
What have you
been up to?
412
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:50,530
I got a bird.
413
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,540
So is Brian here?
414
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:56,540
Yeah, he's in the office.
415
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:57,540
Thanks.
416
00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,540
( plane flying overhead )
417
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,550
( knocking at door )
If you're a woman,
418
00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:05,550
I have nothing but respect
and admiration for you.
419
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:06,550
( door opens )
420
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,550
I take that back.
421
00:16:10,550 --> 00:16:12,050
Can we talk?
422
00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:14,560
( door closes )
What, uh, no camera crew?
423
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,060
Brian, I just came
to apologize.
424
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:19,060
Look, you didn't have to
come all the way for that.
425
00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:21,060
Doesn't Hallmark
make a card that says,
426
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,070
"Sorry I castrated you on TV"?
427
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:26,570
Can I just explain?
428
00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:28,570
A friend of mine
is a producer
429
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,070
for the Mary Pat Lee Show,
430
00:16:30,070 --> 00:16:32,580
and I would tell her
how I, you know...
431
00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:33,580
hated you.
432
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:36,080
And she told me
I needed closure.
433
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,580
Oh, oh, oh, okay. Uh, it all
makes perfect sense.
434
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,580
Uh, because you needed
closure...
435
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:42,580
you decided to trick me
436
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:43,590
into coming on to that show.
437
00:16:43,590 --> 00:16:45,090
Tricking you
was not my idea.
Ss--
438
00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:47,090
And believe me, I didn't know
it would get that vicious.
439
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:50,090
And you feel terrible.
440
00:16:52,590 --> 00:16:54,600
Look...you knew
when we got together
441
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,600
that I had just gotten
out of a bad relationship.
442
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,100
You promised me
you would be different.
443
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,100
You got me to trust you
444
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,100
and the second I did,
you bailed.
445
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,110
I ba-- I ba--? Heh.
446
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:05,610
You're the one who ran out
in the middle of the night.
447
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:07,110
Do you have any idea
what that did to me?
448
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,610
The only reason
I didn't say goodbye
449
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,110
is I knew you would talk me
into staying.
450
00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:12,620
Well, uh, what would have been
so wrong about that?
451
00:17:12,610 --> 00:17:14,120
Because you would have
just gotten bored
452
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,620
and tried to weasel
out on me again.
453
00:17:15,620 --> 00:17:17,620
Brian, it's a sick
pattern with you.
454
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,120
You only want a woman
when you can't have her.
455
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,120
You don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
456
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:23,130
You don't know me.
457
00:17:23,130 --> 00:17:24,630
Oh, please. There's
not that much to know.
458
00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:27,630
You're not that deep.
459
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:31,130
Me? Uh, you're the one who
wouldn't sleep with me one time
460
00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:33,140
because I got a bad haircut.
461
00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:35,640
You make me sick.
Yeah, it's mutual.
462
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,140
You repulse me!
463
00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:43,150
Oh.
I'm glad we broke up!
464
00:17:43,150 --> 00:17:44,650
No more glad than I am.
465
00:17:44,650 --> 00:17:46,650
I can't believe I ever went out
with you. You're a boob.
466
00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:48,650
Hey, I must have been.
I dated you, didn't I?
467
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:49,650
This is insane.
Goodbye.
468
00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:51,150
No, no, no.
Good riddance!
469
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,670
( upbeat piano theme playing )
470
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:11,170
( airplane flying overhead )
471
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:12,680
I was robbed!
472
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,680
Well, there's a shock.
473
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:24,190
Well, they cleaned me out, Roy.
474
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:28,190
Took the TV,
the camcorder. Everything.
475
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,690
Except the iron.
476
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:33,700
Which was off.
477
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,200
Oh-- Hey-- Oh, there you are.
478
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,200
Hey, uh...
( door closes )
479
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,210
So Fay told me that Alex
came back last night.
480
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,210
You two had a big fight.
What the hell happened?
481
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:47,710
I told her off.
482
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:48,710
Yeah?
483
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,210
I told her that
she had no damned right
484
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:52,720
dragging me
on that television show
485
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:53,720
and humiliating me like that.
486
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,720
I told her that I-- I never
should have had anything
487
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,220
to do with her
in the first place.
488
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,220
Good for you.
489
00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,220
And then I slept with her.
490
00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:00,720
What?
491
00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:03,230
Wait, um...
492
00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:05,230
We-- Let me try to
u-understand this.
493
00:19:05,230 --> 00:19:07,230
You two are getting
back together?
494
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:08,230
No.
495
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,730
Well, then why did you
sleep with her?
496
00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:12,230
What can I say?
497
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:13,740
One minute we're
screaming and yelling...
498
00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:15,740
the next minute we're...
499
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:18,240
screaming and
yelling and...
500
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,740
S-so w-w-what
you're saying is
501
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:22,240
that you had
one last fling,
502
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,250
and then you both decided
to go your separate ways.
503
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,750
No. That's what I decided.
504
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,250
Now, I just have to
figure out a way
505
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,250
to break the news to her.
506
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:32,250
Brian. D-did you not
learn anything
507
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:33,760
from that TV show
yesterday?
508
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,760
What are you talking about?
Don't you get it?
509
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,260
Whenever you get a woman,
you don't want her.
510
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,260
I mean, Mary Pat Lee
was right.
511
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:42,770
You are
a commitment-phobic creep.
512
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,270
No. No, no. Now, you see...
( laughs )
513
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:46,270
you don't understand right now.
514
00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:48,770
It's not about commitment.
It's about me and Alex.
515
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:51,270
What does that mean?
516
00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:54,280
Okay, see-- See--
517
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,280
All right, sex--
Sex was great.
518
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,280
She's funny.
519
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,780
She's smart.
She makes me laugh.
520
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:04,290
She knows me better than
any woman I've ever been with.
521
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:05,790
But we're just not
right for each other.
522
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:09,790
Brian...
523
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:12,290
you're sick.
524
00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:13,800
And you need help.
525
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,800
And I promise you I will
get you the top man.
526
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,800
The only help I need
is figuring out a way
527
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,300
to tell Alex that I want out.
All right. All right.
528
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,810
Well, then, the only advice
I can give you is, uh...
529
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:25,310
tell her the truth
and then duck,
530
00:20:25,310 --> 00:20:26,810
because she could
clean your clock, man.
531
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,810
And she looks like she's
been working out too.
532
00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:32,310
Hi, Joe.
Hi-- Hi, Alex.
533
00:20:32,310 --> 00:20:34,320
Uh, how you doing?
You look great.
534
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,820
Thanks. I've been
working out.
535
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,820
Yeah.
536
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:42,820
Hi.
( door closes )
537
00:20:42,820 --> 00:20:45,330
Hi. Sorry I missed you
this morning.
538
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:47,330
Hey-hey. Back at you.
( laughs )
539
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,330
Last night was
pretty amazing.
540
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:51,830
Mm, yeah,
about that. Listen--
541
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:53,840
Oh, yeah. I couldn't
believe
542
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:54,840
we were
together again.
543
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,840
Yeah. It was pretty
unbelievable, right?
544
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,340
Yeah. You know I just
lay there, watching you sleep,
545
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:02,340
and I realized
something.
546
00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:04,350
Brian, I never thought
I would feel like this.
547
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:05,350
Uh, Alex, before you--
Before you--
548
00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:07,350
No, no. No, no.
Let me finish.
549
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:09,350
No, no, Alex. Now, uh--
Uh, listen, listen--
550
00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:10,350
I'm over you.
551
00:21:10,350 --> 00:21:11,850
I'm--
552
00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:13,360
What?
553
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,860
I thought that I was still
in love with you, but I'm not.
554
00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:16,860
It was just...
555
00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,360
my anger
that kept me
556
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,360
thinking about you
all this time,
557
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,360
a-a-and now that I'm not
mad anymore, I--
558
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,870
I guess I feel, um--
I don't know.
559
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:25,370
Like, um, tsk...
560
00:21:25,370 --> 00:21:26,870
friends.
561
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,870
F-friends? Wait.
562
00:21:30,870 --> 00:21:33,880
You're giving me
the "friends" line?
563
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,380
Oh. Don't get me wrong,
the sex was great.
564
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:38,380
But you and me
in a relationship.
565
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,380
I mean, it's just--
It's never gonna work.
566
00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:42,380
You're dumping me?
567
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:45,890
But we-- We had something.
568
00:21:45,890 --> 00:21:47,890
Come on, it cou--
It could work.
569
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,890
I'm sorry.
570
00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:50,890
I gotta go, Brian.
571
00:21:51,890 --> 00:21:52,890
Goodbye.
572
00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:53,900
Wait, Alex.
573
00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:56,400
Alex. Come on,
don't go. Don't go.
574
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,900
Don't go, baby.
Come on.
( door closes )
575
00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:58,900
We can work this out--
576
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:01,400
Oh, I am one sick puppy.
Alex!
577
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:02,910
Alex, come back!
Come back!
578
00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:09,910
( helicopter rotors whirring )
Alex!
579
00:22:10,410 --> 00:22:12,920
Alex, please!
580
00:22:12,910 --> 00:22:13,920
Don't go!
581
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,420
I need you. Come back!
582
00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:18,920
Brian.
Alex, please!
583
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,920
Brian, look, I'm gonna make
this easy for you, all right?
584
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,920
Imagine if Alex
were to cut the engine,
585
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:23,930
come running
over here,
586
00:22:23,930 --> 00:22:25,430
throw her arms
around you and say,
587
00:22:25,430 --> 00:22:27,430
"Brian, I love you.
Marry me."
588
00:22:28,930 --> 00:22:30,430
Alex!
589
00:22:30,430 --> 00:22:33,440
You're cleared
for takeoff, baby!
590
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,440
See you!
41003
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