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1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:04,590
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:09,090
Hi.
3
00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:10,090
What ya
eatin' there, Roy?
4
00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:12,100
Cheeseburger.
5
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:13,600
Murderer.
6
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,100
Excuse me?
7
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,100
How would you like it
if a cow
8
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:21,610
was sittin' here
munchin' on a Royburger?
9
00:00:24,110 --> 00:00:27,110
I had an experience this weekend
that changed my life.
10
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:30,110
Cousin Beevo and I went down
to my grandmother's farm,
11
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:32,120
and we saw a calf being born.
12
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:35,620
Well, I took one look
into those cute little cow eyes
13
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:37,620
and said,
"You know, Beevo,
14
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,120
this calf and I
are not that different."
15
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,120
Mm-hm.
16
00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,130
There is one difference.
17
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,130
The calf would
probably do better
18
00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:46,130
on The New York Times
crossword puzzle.
19
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,130
That's funny, meatboy.
20
00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:53,140
It had a profound
effect on me, though.
21
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:56,140
Mm.
I've become a vegetarian.
22
00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:57,140
Oh, ho-ho-ho. You?
23
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,640
A vegetarian?
24
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,150
The man who
invented the meatsicle.
25
00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:06,150
Look, I-I know not everyone
shares my point of view,
26
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,650
and, you know,
I promise
27
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:10,650
not to become one of
those annoying fanatics
28
00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:13,160
that foist their beliefs
on everyone el--
29
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,660
Murderer!
30
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:16,660
( upbeat piano theme playing )
31
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,180
What are you starin' at?
32
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This is a very nice suit.
33
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:38,680
I agree.
34
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,180
I agree, it's very hip.
35
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,190
So how do you think
President Carter
36
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,190
will handle the gas shortage?
37
00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:50,690
Okay, okay, okay.
38
00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:52,200
Uh, all right,
i-it's hideous.
39
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,200
I know, I know.
40
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,200
Fay it gave it to me.
Oh.
41
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,200
You know, she--
She was going through her attic,
42
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,700
and she-- She came across some
of her late husband's clothes,
43
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:02,210
and she noticed that
he and I were the same size.
44
00:02:02,210 --> 00:02:03,210
Well, what could I say?
45
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,210
Well, you could've said
"No, thank you,
46
00:02:05,210 --> 00:02:06,710
it'll turn
my mood ring black."
47
00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:10,710
Hey, Antonio.
Hey.
48
00:02:10,710 --> 00:02:13,220
What can I get you?
Coffee, tea, beanbag chair?
49
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:20,720
Oh, my goodness.
50
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,230
Oh, Fay,
thank God you agree.
51
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,730
You know, because everyone's
had the same reaction--
52
00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:28,730
Oh, Antonio, seeing
you in George's suit,
53
00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:31,230
it's almost like he was here.
54
00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:33,740
The feel of the fabric,
55
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:36,740
the flare of the pants,
56
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,240
that sexy, teasing hint
57
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,740
of Hai Karate.
58
00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:44,750
You know, I-I-I didn't
think I'd be able to part
59
00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:45,750
with the rest of his things,
60
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:48,250
but now I want you
to have his entire wardrobe.
61
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:49,750
No, Fay, no, please--
Oh, no, no.
62
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:53,760
I-I just can't wait to see you
in his cruisewear.
63
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,260
Oh, listen, uh--
64
00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:02,770
I-I-I-I-I can explain this suit.
65
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:03,770
This is not, uh--
66
00:03:03,770 --> 00:03:07,270
It's not my...suit, um--
67
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,770
Oh, my God.
68
00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:11,770
I just ate a Rolaids
from the '70s.
69
00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:17,780
Helen, your friend
Sandy Cooper called.
70
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,280
She said that she's coming in
on the 12:15 flight today.
71
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:21,790
Oh, Sandy's comin' today?
72
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,290
Oh, it's gonna be
great to see her.
73
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:24,790
Yeah, I just hope
Joe doesn't freak out.
74
00:03:24,790 --> 00:03:26,290
He acts
so crazy around her.
75
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,790
Oh, you don't think
he still thinks
76
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,290
she's obsessed
with him, do you?
77
00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:31,290
You know how hard it is for
him to let go of anything.
78
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:33,300
My God, the man still
thinks Andy Rooney's funny.
79
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:35,300
Hey,
are you guys
80
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:37,800
talking
about Andy Rooney?
81
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:38,800
Did you see
that hilarious thing
82
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,310
he did last Sunday
on zip codes?
83
00:03:42,310 --> 00:03:43,310
Uh, listen, Joe,
84
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:46,310
um, now don't
get all crazy,
85
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,810
but, uh,
Sandy Cooper's coming
86
00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:50,310
for a visit
to the island today.
87
00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:52,820
Oh, God,
where's my pepper spray?
88
00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:55,320
Hey, what's the big deal
with you and Sandy Cooper?
89
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,820
First, she had this incredible
crush on me in high school.
90
00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:59,320
Then when she was here
last year, she--
91
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,320
Oh, boy, here we go again.
92
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:02,330
What?
JOE: I-I will tell you what.
93
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,830
That lunatic locked me
in her basement
94
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:06,330
and pretended
it was our senior prom.
95
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,830
She put on her prom dress,
she made me disco dance,
96
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,330
and get this,
you know what she called me?
97
00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:12,840
Joey Bear.
98
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,840
Oh, Joe, that must have
been terrible for you.
99
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,840
His father was crazy.
This coconut didn't fall
100
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,340
too far from the tree.
101
00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:23,850
Okay, Joe,
for the hundredth time,
102
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:26,850
isn't it possible that
you might have blown this thing
103
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,850
way out of proportion?
( sighing )
104
00:04:28,850 --> 00:04:31,350
All right, let's just say
that you were in her basement
105
00:04:31,350 --> 00:04:34,860
and, for laughs, she brought out
a few old prom things--
106
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:36,860
No, look, I am not blowing
anything out of proportion.
107
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,360
She is obsessed with me.
108
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,860
It-- Oh, you know what?
109
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:42,370
In fact, I bet that she
found out we're engaged,
110
00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:43,870
and that's why
she's comin' back here.
111
00:04:43,870 --> 00:04:46,370
She knows it's her last chance.
It's now or never.
112
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,370
All right, may--? May I say
something here, Joey Bear?
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Okay, I am no therapist,
114
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,380
but might it be that Sandy
115
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:58,880
represents that long-gone
period of your life
116
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,880
when you were the stud
of 'Sconset High? Huh?
117
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,890
Listen to him, Joe.
And now you're no longer
118
00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:05,890
the captain of the baseball team
and the girls don't hang
119
00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:07,390
on your every word?
That's right.
120
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,390
Now you're just
an ordinary working schmo,
121
00:05:09,390 --> 00:05:10,890
and the only girl
you can still get is Helen.
122
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Can we stick to prom boy here?
123
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:20,900
All right, fine, fine, fine.
124
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:23,410
Look, yeah, yeah, you guys
can have all the fun you want,
125
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,910
but I'll tell you what:
as long as Sandy Cooper's
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00:05:24,910 --> 00:05:26,410
on this island,
she is not gonna get
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within 100 feet of me.
128
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,910
Ah.
Oh.
129
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,910
Jeez, Joe, you scared me.
130
00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:32,420
Hey, Sandy.
131
00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:33,420
Helen.
How are you?
132
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,920
Oh, great.
133
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,420
Brian, it's good to see you.
Hey, Sandy.
134
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,920
Oh, my God, Casey Chappel?
135
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,930
You probably don't remember me,
but I certainly remember you.
136
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:43,930
You're as pretty as ever.
137
00:05:43,930 --> 00:05:46,930
Oh, hah.
( whispers ): She's wonderful.
138
00:05:48,930 --> 00:05:49,930
Sandy.
Hi, Joe.
139
00:05:49,930 --> 00:05:51,930
What are you doin'?
Uh...
140
00:05:51,930 --> 00:05:55,440
Yeah, uh, he means what are you
doing here on the island?
141
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,440
Oh, uh, my parents
sold their house,
142
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,440
and I'm here to pick up
some of my things.
143
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,440
Oh, okay.
Uh, where are you staying?
144
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:01,950
I booked a hotel room.
No.
145
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:04,450
No, no, you're gonna
stay here at my house.
146
00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:05,950
Uh, no, no, no.
Uh, that's right.
147
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:08,950
We won't take "uh, no, no, no"
for an answer.
148
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:12,460
So, um, what do you say?
149
00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:13,960
I think it's very
sweet of you. Thanks.
150
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,460
Okay, good.
Oh. That's my luggage.
151
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,460
I'll be right back.
152
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:19,460
Helen, she cannot stay with you.
She is nuts.
153
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:20,960
She is totally obsessed with me.
154
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,970
Oh, Joe, will you stop it.
'Cause she is my friend,
155
00:06:22,970 --> 00:06:24,470
and I expect you
to behave yourself.
156
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:26,970
Okay, fine. I just hope
she can keep her hands off me.
157
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,970
By the way,
I was so excited
158
00:06:28,970 --> 00:06:31,470
when my parents told me
you two were engaged.
159
00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:32,980
I always thought
you belonged together.
160
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:35,480
Oh, man,
she is all over you.
161
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,480
So, um, are you
still an assistant DA?
162
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,490
I'm not with
the DA's office anymore.
163
00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:43,990
See? That figures.
She got canned.
164
00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:45,990
I was appointed
a circuit court judge.
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Joe, what a loser.
166
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:53,000
That is so impressive.
Isn't it, Joe?
167
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,500
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Congratulations. A judge, huh?
168
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,500
That brings up
an interesting question.
169
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,500
Why did you lock me
in your basement
170
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:00,500
and make me do the hustle?
171
00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:03,510
Oh, my God.
172
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,510
You mean, all this time...
173
00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:08,010
Joe, when we were
in the basement--
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00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,510
Ah, uh, ah, uh.
175
00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:11,510
You see? So-- So you admit
176
00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,020
that little prom thing
did happen.
177
00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:15,020
Well, yes, it happened,
but it was just a joke.
178
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,020
I can't believe
you took me seriously.
179
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,520
A joke?
Yeah.
180
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,020
You made such a big deal
about that little crush
181
00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:24,030
I had on you in high school,
I just couldn't resist.
182
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:31,030
All this time you must have
thought I was crazy.
183
00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:33,540
Well, let me explain something
to you about my brother.
184
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:37,540
Uh, when God was
handing out senses of humor,
185
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,540
Joey was on line
for pouty lips.
186
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:44,050
Look, listen to me,
187
00:07:44,050 --> 00:07:46,550
I know a practical joke
when I see one.
188
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:47,550
Oh, yeah, right.
189
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,050
How about the time
with the walkie-talkies
190
00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:51,550
and I convinced you
that the dog could talk?
191
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,560
Hey, Ranger
was movin' his lips,
192
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,060
and he was always
a very bright dog.
193
00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:00,560
Let's get your stuff
to my house.
194
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,070
Um, Sandy,
195
00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:04,570
isn't it ironic that I was
the cheerleader in high school
196
00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:06,570
and yet you
became the judge? Heh.
197
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,070
Yeah, life's funny that way.
198
00:08:14,580 --> 00:08:16,580
( upbeat piano theme playing )
199
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,090
Hi there.
200
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:28,590
I used to be a meat eater
like yourself,
201
00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:31,090
but, uh, not anymore.
202
00:08:31,090 --> 00:08:32,600
Do I miss it?
203
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,600
You bet I do.
204
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,600
But when I'm tempted
to try meat,
205
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,600
I just have a look at this.
206
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,610
That, my friend,
is the large intestine
207
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:46,110
of a 55-year-old meat eater.
208
00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:52,620
Have a nice day.
209
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:55,120
Okay,
just one more question,
210
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,120
and I promise
this is the last one.
211
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,120
I don't mind. Go ahead.
Okay.
212
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,620
Getting back to this
hypothetical woman
213
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:02,130
that I've been
telling you about.
214
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,630
Um, you know, the one
whose husband left her
215
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,130
and took all of her money.
216
00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:08,130
Well, let's just say
for the sake of argument
217
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:11,130
that she, oh,
hunts him down and kills him.
218
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:14,140
What country could she go to
to avoid extradition?
219
00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:17,140
Casey, you cannot
have Stuart killed.
220
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:20,140
Did I mention Stuart? I'm just
having a little girl chat here.
221
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,150
( coughs )
222
00:09:29,650 --> 00:09:31,150
Oh, you're a skittish
little thing.
223
00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:32,150
What are ya doin'?
224
00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:33,660
I'm keepin' an eye on Sandy.
225
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:34,660
I don't trust her
for one minute.
226
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,660
Oh, yeah, I know. You think
this is all in my mind--
227
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,660
Ah, well, I did.
228
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:41,160
Then I realized that this is
Joe we're talkin' about here,
229
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,170
and, uh, you're the most
rational guy I know.
230
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:44,170
Thank you, Brian.
Besides,
231
00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:45,670
in order to make up
such a bizarre story,
232
00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:48,670
you'd have to have a--
An inventive and creative mind,
233
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:51,170
and, you know,
you don't.
234
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,680
Exactly.
235
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,180
I am so relieved.
Finally, someone believes me.
236
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,680
Now, please,
help me convince Helen.
237
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,680
How am I gonna do that?
She's not gonna believe me.
238
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:00,680
We need proof.
239
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,690
Well, I'm sorry.
240
00:10:02,690 --> 00:10:04,190
I just-- I don't have proof.
241
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:05,690
Well, according to you,
242
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:07,690
she only goes nutso
anytime you're alone with her.
243
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,690
So, uh,
244
00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:13,200
why don't you just secretly
record your conversation?
245
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,200
You mean, wear a wire?
N-- You know, that's--
246
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,700
That's not a bad idea.
247
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,200
You could get one of those
248
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,200
little stick-pin microphones
with a transmitter.
249
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,200
You could be across the street
in a van with a receiver
250
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,210
and a reel-to-reel tape deck.
251
00:10:25,710 --> 00:10:29,210
Or you can put this
in your pocket
252
00:10:29,210 --> 00:10:32,720
and press record.
253
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,220
Yeah, that could work too.
254
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,220
( upbeat piano theme playing )
255
00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:45,230
Thanks for comin' in, Sandy.
256
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:47,230
So, what did
you wanna talk about?
257
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,730
Well, look, Sandy--
258
00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:51,230
( into mic ):
Sandy Cooper.
259
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:59,240
( normal voice ):
--we both know what really
happened in your basement,
260
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,740
and I think that you'll feel
much better if you admit it.
261
00:11:01,740 --> 00:11:04,750
Now, this will just be
between you and me.
262
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,250
( into mic ):
Saturday, 1:02 p.m.
263
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,250
How can I convince you
it was only a practical joke?
264
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:14,760
Oh, Sandy, this is me
you're talking to. Joe.
265
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:15,760
( into mic ):
Joe Hackett.
266
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,260
( sighing ):
Oh, all right.
267
00:11:19,260 --> 00:11:21,260
I can't lie to you anymore.
268
00:11:21,260 --> 00:11:22,770
I finally have to
tell the truth,
269
00:11:22,770 --> 00:11:24,770
and the truth is,
270
00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:26,270
( muffled ):
it wasn't a practical joke.
271
00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:29,270
Wh-what? What, what?
I-I didn't quite get that.
272
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:32,780
I can't. I'm too embarrassed
to even look at you.
273
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:35,280
Come on.
Now, uh, Sandy--
274
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,780
Sandy, you--
You have to look at me.
275
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,280
It'll make you feel better,
and it'll help
276
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,780
if you speak slowly and--
And clearly.
277
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:44,790
Now, we were talking about
what happened in your basement.
278
00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:46,290
That it wasn't a joke.
279
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,790
Of course it wasn't.
280
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,790
It was my crazy way
of showing how much I love you.
281
00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:51,790
How much
I've always loved you.
282
00:11:51,790 --> 00:11:53,800
Sandy, I know how hard
this must be for you.
283
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,800
So just to recap--
284
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,300
( into mic ):
I was absolutely right.
285
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,800
I want you, Joe.
286
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,800
I want you right here,
right now.
287
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,810
No, Sandy, uh--
Hey, Joe, I was wonderin'--
288
00:12:02,810 --> 00:12:05,310
Oh, my God.
What is going on?
289
00:12:05,310 --> 00:12:06,310
Nothing, nothing.
290
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,310
Oh, uh, nothing, huh?
Nothing?
291
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,310
Helen, Sandy just
admitted everything.
292
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:11,310
Listen to this:
293
00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:13,820
JOE ( recording ):
Pick up milk, pick up eggs.
294
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,320
Pick up nail clippers.
295
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,820
The good kind.
296
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,320
No. I-I meant, uh, this. This.
297
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,820
SANDY ( recording ):
Of course it wasn't.
298
00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:23,830
It was my crazy way of showing
how much I love you--
299
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:25,830
How much
I've always loved you.
300
00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:28,830
You recorded our conversation?
How could you do that to me?
301
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:31,830
Joe was right all along?
Yeah, that's right. I told ya.
302
00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:33,340
How could you
do this to me?
303
00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:34,840
You were my friend.
304
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,340
I'm glad it's out in the open.
I want him, Helen.
305
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:38,840
Well, you can't have him.
306
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,840
Hey, what's goin' on?
It worked, it worked.
307
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,350
I-I got everything on tape.
308
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,350
Now they're fightin' over me.
309
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,850
All right,
all right, all right.
310
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:51,350
There's only one way
to handle this.
311
00:12:51,350 --> 00:12:53,860
You're right.
Rock, paper, scissors.
312
00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:57,360
What?
Forget it.
313
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,860
Odds and evens.
I take odds.
314
00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:00,360
Once-twice-three-shoot.
315
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,360
What? What is goin' on here?
316
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,870
You wanna know what's goin' on?
I'll tell you what's goin' on.
317
00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:07,870
You are the most
gullible little boy
318
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:09,870
I have ever met in my life.
( baby gibberish )
319
00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:12,380
( laughing )
320
00:13:12,370 --> 00:13:14,380
You mean, this--? What?
( chuckles )
321
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:16,880
You mean this is--?
This is all a joke?
322
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,380
( all laugh )
323
00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:20,880
( laughing ):
I knew that. I knew--
324
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,390
I can take a joke
just as well as the next guy.
325
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:25,890
No, I can't.
I hate all of you.
326
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:27,390
This is just too easy.
327
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:28,890
We shouldn't have done that.
328
00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,390
I'm really sorry, Joe.
329
00:13:30,390 --> 00:13:31,890
All right, now--
Now w-wait a minute.
330
00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:33,900
Let me get
this straight, Sandy.
331
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,400
Everything that
happened in your basement,
332
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,400
that whole prom thing,
that was a joke?
333
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,400
'Fraid so.
334
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,910
Well, this, uh, might
be a little belated,
335
00:13:42,910 --> 00:13:45,910
but, uh,
hah-hah, good one.
336
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,910
So, friends?
337
00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:50,410
Yeah, sure.
338
00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:51,910
Okay, look,
it's Sandy's last night here.
339
00:13:51,910 --> 00:13:53,920
Let's all go out.
Okay, yeah.
340
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,420
I'd love to, but I have stuff
to do at my parents' house.
341
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:57,920
Okay, well,
I'll give you a ride,
342
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,920
'cause I was just
leavin' anyway.
343
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,430
Bye, Joey Bear.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
344
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:04,930
( sighs )
345
00:14:11,430 --> 00:14:14,440
Brian just told me
what happened in here.
346
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,440
Don't you feel the fool?
347
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,940
( upbeat piano theme playing )
348
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:24,950
( doorbell rings )
349
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:26,950
( knock at door )
350
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:27,950
JOE:
Helen, you ready to go?
351
00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:31,450
It's so dark in here.
352
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:36,960
( singing the "Wedding March" )
353
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,960
Dum, dum, dum, dum
354
00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:45,970
Sandy, what is this?
355
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:48,470
When I heard you and Helen
were gettin' married, Joe,
356
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:49,970
I couldn't let that happen.
357
00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:53,980
Welcome to our wedding, Joe.
358
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,480
( melancholy theme playing )
359
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,480
( upbeat piano theme playing )
360
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:05,990
Wait a minute.
361
00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:06,990
What's going on here?
362
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,990
It's our wedding day, Joe.
363
00:15:08,990 --> 00:15:10,990
Isn't it exciting?
364
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,000
( groans )
365
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,500
( laughs )
366
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,500
Duh.
367
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,500
( laughing ):
Oh, this-- I love this.
368
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:25,010
Oh, this is the best
practical joke yet.
369
00:15:25,010 --> 00:15:26,510
( laughs )
Joke?
370
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,010
I don't understand,
Joey Bear.
371
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,510
Oh, yeah, okay,
all right, okay.
372
00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:34,020
Oh, well, then let's
get "married," Sandy.
373
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:37,520
Oh, Joe, you don't know how long
I've waited to hear those words.
374
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,520
Huh?
375
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,520
( laughing ):
Oh, right.
376
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,020
This is where I'm
supposed to get freaked out
377
00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:43,530
and run out the door, right?
378
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:45,030
Well, I don't think
that's gonna happen.
379
00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:47,530
Oh, boy.
So who's gonna marry us?
380
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,030
Helen? Brian?
381
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:51,030
No.
382
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:53,540
The Honorable
Judge Sandra Cooper.
383
00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:57,040
Oh-- Oh, okay, okay.
That's very good. Come on.
384
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,040
Helen, Brian, come on out.
You're missin' the best part.
385
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:02,040
They're not here, all right?
What are ya, stupid?
386
00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:05,550
I'm sorry.
We're not even married yet,
387
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:08,050
and here I am
being a nagging wife.
388
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,050
Uh, Sandy,
quit foolin' around.
389
00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:12,560
Now-- Now,
wh-where is Helen?
390
00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:14,060
That's a secret
391
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,560
I can only tell my husband.
392
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,560
( the "Wedding March"
playing on tape)
393
00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:24,570
( turns off music )
394
00:16:24,570 --> 00:16:26,570
Helen?
"Dearly beloved,
395
00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:28,070
"we are gathered together
to blah, blah, blah,
396
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,570
"yadda, yadda, yadda.
397
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,070
"Does anybody here
have any objection
398
00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:32,580
to these two
being joined together?"
399
00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:33,580
Yeah, I object.
400
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:36,580
Overruled.
401
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,580
"Do you, Joey Bear Hackett,
take Sandy Cooper
402
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,080
to be your
lawfully wedded wife?"
403
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:43,090
Sandy, look--
Say it.
404
00:16:43,090 --> 00:16:44,590
I do.
405
00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:48,090
"Do you, Sandy Cooper,
take Joey Bear Hackett
406
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,090
to be your
lawfully wedded husband?"
407
00:16:50,090 --> 00:16:52,600
Oh, I do.
408
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,600
"I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
409
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,600
You may kiss the bride."
410
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,100
Pass.
Kiss the bride.
411
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,110
Mm.
412
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:06,610
Oh, I'm so happy.
413
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:09,610
( sobbing ):
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry.
414
00:17:09,610 --> 00:17:11,610
Don't cry.
415
00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:13,120
That's better.
416
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,620
Look--
Look, um, Sandy,
417
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,120
now that we're married,
418
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,120
I don't think we should have
any secrets from each other,
419
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:23,630
so why don't you just
tell me where Helen is?
420
00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:25,130
Helen?
421
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:30,630
Rules: We don't talk about
former girlfriends, okay? Okay.
422
00:17:30,630 --> 00:17:32,130
I know:
let's cut the wedding cake.
423
00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:34,140
But first you have
to make a toast, Joe.
424
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,640
( sighing )
Make it now.
425
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,140
Look, Sandy,
you can't keep doing this.
426
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,640
This is crazy-- This is
the happiest day of my life.
427
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,640
L'chaim.
Oh...
428
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,650
That is so sweet.
429
00:17:45,650 --> 00:17:48,150
Okay, open wide.
430
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,650
( grunts )
431
00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:52,150
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho,
that is so funny.
432
00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:53,660
Somebody
take a picture.
433
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:56,660
I have to do
everything myself.
434
00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,160
( mumbles )
( shutter clicks )
435
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,670
Helen? Helen?
436
00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:05,670
You know what it's time for now,
Joey Bear?
437
00:18:05,670 --> 00:18:07,170
Thorazine Big Gulp?
438
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:09,170
( laughs hard )
439
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,680
I don't care what anyone says,
440
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,180
you are funny.
441
00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:21,680
Okay, time to do
the hokey-pokey.
442
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,690
No. No, Sandy, I am not
doing the hokey-pokey.
443
00:18:25,690 --> 00:18:28,190
( quietly ):
Joe, everyone's looking.
444
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:32,690
WOMAN ( on tape ):
That's what
It's all about
445
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:34,200
Sandy, look--
Backside!
446
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,700
--I-I-I think that
you have a serious problem.
447
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,200
You put
Your backside out
448
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,200
I really think you need
to see a professional.
449
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,700
And you shake it
All about
450
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:43,210
You do
The hokey-pokey...
451
00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:45,210
Uh,
where is Helen?
452
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:46,710
Helen, Helen, Helen.
453
00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,210
That's it.
This wedding's over.
454
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,710
Oh, thank God.
Time for the honeymoon.
455
00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:53,220
No, no. Sandy, no,
not a honeymoon.
456
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:54,720
Look, Joe, Hawaii.
457
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,220
Aloha.
458
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:57,220
( shutter clicks )
No--
459
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,720
Oh! Gay Paris.
460
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,720
Oh, je t'aime,
je t'aime, je t'aime.
461
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,230
( French accent ):
The food is so wonderful.
462
00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:04,730
If I have one more soufflé,
I'll burst.
463
00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,730
Look, Sandy, don't take--
Ah, oh, okay.
464
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,230
Sandy, this honeymoon is over.
465
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:11,230
I know. Didn't it feel like
it went by just like that?
466
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:13,740
Now, Sandy, look--
467
00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:14,740
No, no, no.
468
00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:16,740
Call me by
that wonderful pet name
469
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,240
you have for me.
470
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,740
Okay.
471
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:21,740
Psycho.
472
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:28,750
Where is Helen?
( phone rings )
473
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:31,250
HELEN ( recording ):
Hi, this is Helen.
Leave a message at the beep.
474
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:32,760
No, no, Sandy,
where--? Wh-where is--?
475
00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:35,260
HELEN ( on machine ):
Hey, Sandy, are you there?
It's Helen.
476
00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:38,260
I'm waiting at the restaurant.
Look, H-Helen, I'm here.
477
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,760
Are you sure he said
I should meet him here? Hello?
478
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:41,760
Uh...
( dial tone )
479
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,770
Helen, I'm here.
Hel--
480
00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:48,770
Joey Bear, I'm beginning
to feel like a neglected wife.
481
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,770
All right, Sandy,
I am going to say this to you
482
00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:52,270
as kindly as
I possibly can.
483
00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:55,280
You are the sickest,
most deeply disturbed person
484
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,780
I have ever met,
and I never wanna see you again
485
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,780
as long as I live.
Wait, Joe.
486
00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:03,290
I know you're angry,
and you have every right to be.
487
00:20:03,290 --> 00:20:06,790
I spent too much money
in Paris, didn't I?
488
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,790
Yeah, that was it.
489
00:20:11,790 --> 00:20:13,800
Au revoir, ma petite wacko.
490
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,800
( upbeat piano theme playing )
491
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,300
All right, Roy, you, uh--
You know the plan, right?
492
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:24,310
Yeah, yeah,
when Cochran comes over,
493
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,810
I-- I squirt you
with my fountain pen,
494
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,310
ruining the suit forever.
495
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:29,810
Right, exactly.
496
00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:32,310
Oh, hi, Antonio.
497
00:20:32,310 --> 00:20:34,820
Heh. My, don't you look dashing.
498
00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,820
( Fay chuckles )
Yeah, Fay, I-I love it.
499
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,320
I just love it.
500
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,320
FAY: Oh...!
ROY: Whoops, oh.
501
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,820
Oops, clumsy me.
Whoops. Whoops.
502
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:48,830
Oh, look what you've done.
503
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:52,330
This perfectly beautiful
suit's totally ruined.
504
00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:53,840
Oh, nonsense.
505
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,340
That's the beauty
of a poly-Orlon.
506
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,340
Heh! Nothing sticks to it.
507
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:01,840
You'll have those clothes
for the rest of your life.
508
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:07,350
What do you want me
to hit you with tomorrow?
509
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,850
How about a bullet?
510
00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:13,860
Ah, come on.
Give it a rest, Joe.
511
00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:14,860
I'm not buyin' it.
512
00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:16,360
Brian, I know it sounds crazy,
513
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,360
but we did the hokey-pokey.
514
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,360
Okay. Y-you're trying
to get back at us
515
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,360
for what we did yesterday.
516
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,370
In the future, if you're gonna
pull a practical joke,
517
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:26,370
you need to be a little
bit more convincing.
518
00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:29,870
Uh, no. Oh, no, okay.
This is not gonna happen again.
519
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:30,870
Now, Sandy, I want you
520
00:21:30,870 --> 00:21:32,370
to tell them
everything that happened.
521
00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:34,380
I want you to tell 'em
about the wedding
522
00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:36,380
and about how we went
to Hawaii and gay Paris.
523
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:37,880
Huh?
524
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:38,880
Oh, okay, I get it.
525
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,880
Yes, we went to Hawaii,
Paris and Japan.
526
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,390
She's lying.
We came right back after Paris.
527
00:21:45,390 --> 00:21:47,390
You are not leaving this island
until you tell the truth.
528
00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:49,890
Joe, stop it.
It's not funny anymore.
529
00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:50,890
Bye, Sandy.
It was good to see you.
530
00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:52,390
You too.
Bye, Sandy.
531
00:21:52,390 --> 00:21:54,900
Oh, you're my sister-in-law now.
532
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:57,900
Welcome to the family.
( chuckles )
533
00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,900
Bye-bye.
534
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:00,900
Bye, Joe.
535
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,410
Next year: Joe Junior.
536
00:22:06,410 --> 00:22:07,910
( upbeat piano theme playing )
537
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:16,420
LOWELL:
Oh, baby.
538
00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:17,920
Oh, baby.
539
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,420
Oh, baby!
540
00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:24,430
Ooh, ooh, ooh, baby.
541
00:22:26,430 --> 00:22:28,430
Oh, my God.
I don't believe this.
542
00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:31,430
What the hell is goin'
on in there, Chappel?
543
00:22:31,430 --> 00:22:35,440
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
544
00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:38,440
( gasps )
545
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,940
Oh, that was
one fine pot roast.
39471
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