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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:04,590 ( upbeat piano theme playing ) 2 00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:09,090 Hi. 3 00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:10,090 What ya eatin' there, Roy? 4 00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:12,100 Cheeseburger. 5 00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:13,600 Murderer. 6 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,100 Excuse me? 7 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,100 How would you like it if a cow 8 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:21,610 was sittin' here munchin' on a Royburger? 9 00:00:24,110 --> 00:00:27,110 I had an experience this weekend that changed my life. 10 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:30,110 Cousin Beevo and I went down to my grandmother's farm, 11 00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:32,120 and we saw a calf being born. 12 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:35,620 Well, I took one look into those cute little cow eyes 13 00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:37,620 and said, "You know, Beevo, 14 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,120 this calf and I are not that different." 15 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,120 Mm-hm. 16 00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,130 There is one difference. 17 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,130 The calf would probably do better 18 00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:46,130 on The New York Times crossword puzzle. 19 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,130 That's funny, meatboy. 20 00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:53,140 It had a profound effect on me, though. 21 00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:56,140 Mm. I've become a vegetarian. 22 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:57,140 Oh, ho-ho-ho. You? 23 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,640 A vegetarian? 24 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,150 The man who invented the meatsicle. 25 00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:06,150 Look, I-I know not everyone shares my point of view, 26 00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,650 and, you know, I promise 27 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:10,650 not to become one of those annoying fanatics 28 00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:13,160 that foist their beliefs on everyone el-- 29 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,660 Murderer! 30 00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:16,660 ( upbeat piano theme playing ) 31 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,180 What are you starin' at? 32 00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:37,680 This is a very nice suit. 33 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:38,680 I agree. 34 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,180 I agree, it's very hip. 35 00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,190 So how do you think President Carter 36 00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,190 will handle the gas shortage? 37 00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:50,690 Okay, okay, okay. 38 00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:52,200 Uh, all right, i-it's hideous. 39 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,200 I know, I know. 40 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,200 Fay it gave it to me. Oh. 41 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,200 You know, she-- She was going through her attic, 42 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,700 and she-- She came across some of her late husband's clothes, 43 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:02,210 and she noticed that he and I were the same size. 44 00:02:02,210 --> 00:02:03,210 Well, what could I say? 45 00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,210 Well, you could've said "No, thank you, 46 00:02:05,210 --> 00:02:06,710 it'll turn my mood ring black." 47 00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:10,710 Hey, Antonio. Hey. 48 00:02:10,710 --> 00:02:13,220 What can I get you? Coffee, tea, beanbag chair? 49 00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:20,720 Oh, my goodness. 50 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,230 Oh, Fay, thank God you agree. 51 00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,730 You know, because everyone's had the same reaction-- 52 00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:28,730 Oh, Antonio, seeing you in George's suit, 53 00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:31,230 it's almost like he was here. 54 00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:33,740 The feel of the fabric, 55 00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:36,740 the flare of the pants, 56 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,240 that sexy, teasing hint 57 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,740 of Hai Karate. 58 00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:44,750 You know, I-I-I didn't think I'd be able to part 59 00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:45,750 with the rest of his things, 60 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:48,250 but now I want you to have his entire wardrobe. 61 00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:49,750 No, Fay, no, please-- Oh, no, no. 62 00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:53,760 I-I just can't wait to see you in his cruisewear. 63 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,260 Oh, listen, uh-- 64 00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:02,770 I-I-I-I-I can explain this suit. 65 00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:03,770 This is not, uh-- 66 00:03:03,770 --> 00:03:07,270 It's not my...suit, um-- 67 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,770 Oh, my God. 68 00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:11,770 I just ate a Rolaids from the '70s. 69 00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:17,780 Helen, your friend Sandy Cooper called. 70 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,280 She said that she's coming in on the 12:15 flight today. 71 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:21,790 Oh, Sandy's comin' today? 72 00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,290 Oh, it's gonna be great to see her. 73 00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:24,790 Yeah, I just hope Joe doesn't freak out. 74 00:03:24,790 --> 00:03:26,290 He acts so crazy around her. 75 00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,790 Oh, you don't think he still thinks 76 00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,290 she's obsessed with him, do you? 77 00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:31,290 You know how hard it is for him to let go of anything. 78 00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:33,300 My God, the man still thinks Andy Rooney's funny. 79 00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:35,300 Hey, are you guys 80 00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:37,800 talking about Andy Rooney? 81 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:38,800 Did you see that hilarious thing 82 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,310 he did last Sunday on zip codes? 83 00:03:42,310 --> 00:03:43,310 Uh, listen, Joe, 84 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:46,310 um, now don't get all crazy, 85 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,810 but, uh, Sandy Cooper's coming 86 00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:50,310 for a visit to the island today. 87 00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:52,820 Oh, God, where's my pepper spray? 88 00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:55,320 Hey, what's the big deal with you and Sandy Cooper? 89 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,820 First, she had this incredible crush on me in high school. 90 00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:59,320 Then when she was here last year, she-- 91 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,320 Oh, boy, here we go again. 92 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:02,330 What? JOE: I-I will tell you what. 93 00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,830 That lunatic locked me in her basement 94 00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:06,330 and pretended it was our senior prom. 95 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,830 She put on her prom dress, she made me disco dance, 96 00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,330 and get this, you know what she called me? 97 00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:12,840 Joey Bear. 98 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,840 Oh, Joe, that must have been terrible for you. 99 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,840 His father was crazy. This coconut didn't fall 100 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,340 too far from the tree. 101 00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:23,850 Okay, Joe, for the hundredth time, 102 00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:26,850 isn't it possible that you might have blown this thing 103 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,850 way out of proportion? ( sighing ) 104 00:04:28,850 --> 00:04:31,350 All right, let's just say that you were in her basement 105 00:04:31,350 --> 00:04:34,860 and, for laughs, she brought out a few old prom things-- 106 00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:36,860 No, look, I am not blowing anything out of proportion. 107 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,360 She is obsessed with me. 108 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,860 It-- Oh, you know what? 109 00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:42,370 In fact, I bet that she found out we're engaged, 110 00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:43,870 and that's why she's comin' back here. 111 00:04:43,870 --> 00:04:46,370 She knows it's her last chance. It's now or never. 112 00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,370 All right, may--? May I say something here, Joey Bear? 113 00:04:50,870 --> 00:04:53,380 Okay, I am no therapist, 114 00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,380 but might it be that Sandy 115 00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:58,880 represents that long-gone period of your life 116 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,880 when you were the stud of 'Sconset High? Huh? 117 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,890 Listen to him, Joe. And now you're no longer 118 00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:05,890 the captain of the baseball team and the girls don't hang 119 00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:07,390 on your every word? That's right. 120 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,390 Now you're just an ordinary working schmo, 121 00:05:09,390 --> 00:05:10,890 and the only girl you can still get is Helen. 122 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,900 Can we stick to prom boy here? 123 00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:20,900 All right, fine, fine, fine. 124 00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:23,410 Look, yeah, yeah, you guys can have all the fun you want, 125 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,910 but I'll tell you what: as long as Sandy Cooper's 126 00:05:24,910 --> 00:05:26,410 on this island, she is not gonna get 127 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,410 within 100 feet of me. 128 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,910 Ah. Oh. 129 00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,910 Jeez, Joe, you scared me. 130 00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:32,420 Hey, Sandy. 131 00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:33,420 Helen. How are you? 132 00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,920 Oh, great. 133 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,420 Brian, it's good to see you. Hey, Sandy. 134 00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,920 Oh, my God, Casey Chappel? 135 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,930 You probably don't remember me, but I certainly remember you. 136 00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:43,930 You're as pretty as ever. 137 00:05:43,930 --> 00:05:46,930 Oh, hah. ( whispers ): She's wonderful. 138 00:05:48,930 --> 00:05:49,930 Sandy. Hi, Joe. 139 00:05:49,930 --> 00:05:51,930 What are you doin'? Uh... 140 00:05:51,930 --> 00:05:55,440 Yeah, uh, he means what are you doing here on the island? 141 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,440 Oh, uh, my parents sold their house, 142 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,440 and I'm here to pick up some of my things. 143 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,440 Oh, okay. Uh, where are you staying? 144 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:01,950 I booked a hotel room. No. 145 00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:04,450 No, no, you're gonna stay here at my house. 146 00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:05,950 Uh, no, no, no. Uh, that's right. 147 00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:08,950 We won't take "uh, no, no, no" for an answer. 148 00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:12,460 So, um, what do you say? 149 00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:13,960 I think it's very sweet of you. Thanks. 150 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,460 Okay, good. Oh. That's my luggage. 151 00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,460 I'll be right back. 152 00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:19,460 Helen, she cannot stay with you. She is nuts. 153 00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:20,960 She is totally obsessed with me. 154 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,970 Oh, Joe, will you stop it. 'Cause she is my friend, 155 00:06:22,970 --> 00:06:24,470 and I expect you to behave yourself. 156 00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:26,970 Okay, fine. I just hope she can keep her hands off me. 157 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,970 By the way, I was so excited 158 00:06:28,970 --> 00:06:31,470 when my parents told me you two were engaged. 159 00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:32,980 I always thought you belonged together. 160 00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:35,480 Oh, man, she is all over you. 161 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,480 So, um, are you still an assistant DA? 162 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,490 I'm not with the DA's office anymore. 163 00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:43,990 See? That figures. She got canned. 164 00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:45,990 I was appointed a circuit court judge. 165 00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:48,490 Joe, what a loser. 166 00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:53,000 That is so impressive. Isn't it, Joe? 167 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,500 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. A judge, huh? 168 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,500 That brings up an interesting question. 169 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,500 Why did you lock me in your basement 170 00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:00,500 and make me do the hustle? 171 00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:03,510 Oh, my God. 172 00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,510 You mean, all this time... 173 00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:08,010 Joe, when we were in the basement-- 174 00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,510 Ah, uh, ah, uh. 175 00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:11,510 You see? So-- So you admit 176 00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,020 that little prom thing did happen. 177 00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:15,020 Well, yes, it happened, but it was just a joke. 178 00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,020 I can't believe you took me seriously. 179 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,520 A joke? Yeah. 180 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,020 You made such a big deal about that little crush 181 00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:24,030 I had on you in high school, I just couldn't resist. 182 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:31,030 All this time you must have thought I was crazy. 183 00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:33,540 Well, let me explain something to you about my brother. 184 00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:37,540 Uh, when God was handing out senses of humor, 185 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,540 Joey was on line for pouty lips. 186 00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:44,050 Look, listen to me, 187 00:07:44,050 --> 00:07:46,550 I know a practical joke when I see one. 188 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:47,550 Oh, yeah, right. 189 00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,050 How about the time with the walkie-talkies 190 00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:51,550 and I convinced you that the dog could talk? 191 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,560 Hey, Ranger was movin' his lips, 192 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,060 and he was always a very bright dog. 193 00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:00,560 Let's get your stuff to my house. 194 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,070 Um, Sandy, 195 00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:04,570 isn't it ironic that I was the cheerleader in high school 196 00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:06,570 and yet you became the judge? Heh. 197 00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,070 Yeah, life's funny that way. 198 00:08:14,580 --> 00:08:16,580 ( upbeat piano theme playing ) 199 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,090 Hi there. 200 00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:28,590 I used to be a meat eater like yourself, 201 00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:31,090 but, uh, not anymore. 202 00:08:31,090 --> 00:08:32,600 Do I miss it? 203 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,600 You bet I do. 204 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,600 But when I'm tempted to try meat, 205 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,600 I just have a look at this. 206 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,610 That, my friend, is the large intestine 207 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:46,110 of a 55-year-old meat eater. 208 00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:52,620 Have a nice day. 209 00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:55,120 Okay, just one more question, 210 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,120 and I promise this is the last one. 211 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,120 I don't mind. Go ahead. Okay. 212 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,620 Getting back to this hypothetical woman 213 00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:02,130 that I've been telling you about. 214 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,630 Um, you know, the one whose husband left her 215 00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,130 and took all of her money. 216 00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:08,130 Well, let's just say for the sake of argument 217 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:11,130 that she, oh, hunts him down and kills him. 218 00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:14,140 What country could she go to to avoid extradition? 219 00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:17,140 Casey, you cannot have Stuart killed. 220 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:20,140 Did I mention Stuart? I'm just having a little girl chat here. 221 00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,150 ( coughs ) 222 00:09:29,650 --> 00:09:31,150 Oh, you're a skittish little thing. 223 00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:32,150 What are ya doin'? 224 00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:33,660 I'm keepin' an eye on Sandy. 225 00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:34,660 I don't trust her for one minute. 226 00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,660 Oh, yeah, I know. You think this is all in my mind-- 227 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,660 Ah, well, I did. 228 00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:41,160 Then I realized that this is Joe we're talkin' about here, 229 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,170 and, uh, you're the most rational guy I know. 230 00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:44,170 Thank you, Brian. Besides, 231 00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:45,670 in order to make up such a bizarre story, 232 00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:48,670 you'd have to have a-- An inventive and creative mind, 233 00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:51,170 and, you know, you don't. 234 00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,680 Exactly. 235 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,180 I am so relieved. Finally, someone believes me. 236 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,680 Now, please, help me convince Helen. 237 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,680 How am I gonna do that? She's not gonna believe me. 238 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:00,680 We need proof. 239 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,690 Well, I'm sorry. 240 00:10:02,690 --> 00:10:04,190 I just-- I don't have proof. 241 00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:05,690 Well, according to you, 242 00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:07,690 she only goes nutso anytime you're alone with her. 243 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,690 So, uh, 244 00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:13,200 why don't you just secretly record your conversation? 245 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,200 You mean, wear a wire? N-- You know, that's-- 246 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,700 That's not a bad idea. 247 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,200 You could get one of those 248 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,200 little stick-pin microphones with a transmitter. 249 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,200 You could be across the street in a van with a receiver 250 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,210 and a reel-to-reel tape deck. 251 00:10:25,710 --> 00:10:29,210 Or you can put this in your pocket 252 00:10:29,210 --> 00:10:32,720 and press record. 253 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,220 Yeah, that could work too. 254 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,220 ( upbeat piano theme playing ) 255 00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:45,230 Thanks for comin' in, Sandy. 256 00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:47,230 So, what did you wanna talk about? 257 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,730 Well, look, Sandy-- 258 00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:51,230 ( into mic ): Sandy Cooper. 259 00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:59,240 ( normal voice ): --we both know what really happened in your basement, 260 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,740 and I think that you'll feel much better if you admit it. 261 00:11:01,740 --> 00:11:04,750 Now, this will just be between you and me. 262 00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,250 ( into mic ): Saturday, 1:02 p.m. 263 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,250 How can I convince you it was only a practical joke? 264 00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:14,760 Oh, Sandy, this is me you're talking to. Joe. 265 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:15,760 ( into mic ): Joe Hackett. 266 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,260 ( sighing ): Oh, all right. 267 00:11:19,260 --> 00:11:21,260 I can't lie to you anymore. 268 00:11:21,260 --> 00:11:22,770 I finally have to tell the truth, 269 00:11:22,770 --> 00:11:24,770 and the truth is, 270 00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:26,270 ( muffled ): it wasn't a practical joke. 271 00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:29,270 Wh-what? What, what? I-I didn't quite get that. 272 00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:32,780 I can't. I'm too embarrassed to even look at you. 273 00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:35,280 Come on. Now, uh, Sandy-- 274 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,780 Sandy, you-- You have to look at me. 275 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,280 It'll make you feel better, and it'll help 276 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,780 if you speak slowly and-- And clearly. 277 00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:44,790 Now, we were talking about what happened in your basement. 278 00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:46,290 That it wasn't a joke. 279 00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,790 Of course it wasn't. 280 00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,790 It was my crazy way of showing how much I love you. 281 00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:51,790 How much I've always loved you. 282 00:11:51,790 --> 00:11:53,800 Sandy, I know how hard this must be for you. 283 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,800 So just to recap-- 284 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,300 ( into mic ): I was absolutely right. 285 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,800 I want you, Joe. 286 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,800 I want you right here, right now. 287 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,810 No, Sandy, uh-- Hey, Joe, I was wonderin'-- 288 00:12:02,810 --> 00:12:05,310 Oh, my God. What is going on? 289 00:12:05,310 --> 00:12:06,310 Nothing, nothing. 290 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,310 Oh, uh, nothing, huh? Nothing? 291 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,310 Helen, Sandy just admitted everything. 292 00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:11,310 Listen to this: 293 00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:13,820 JOE ( recording ): Pick up milk, pick up eggs. 294 00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,320 Pick up nail clippers. 295 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,820 The good kind. 296 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,320 No. I-I meant, uh, this. This. 297 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,820 SANDY ( recording ): Of course it wasn't. 298 00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:23,830 It was my crazy way of showing how much I love you-- 299 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:25,830 How much I've always loved you. 300 00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:28,830 You recorded our conversation? How could you do that to me? 301 00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:31,830 Joe was right all along? Yeah, that's right. I told ya. 302 00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:33,340 How could you do this to me? 303 00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:34,840 You were my friend. 304 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,340 I'm glad it's out in the open. I want him, Helen. 305 00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:38,840 Well, you can't have him. 306 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,840 Hey, what's goin' on? It worked, it worked. 307 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,350 I-I got everything on tape. 308 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,350 Now they're fightin' over me. 309 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,850 All right, all right, all right. 310 00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:51,350 There's only one way to handle this. 311 00:12:51,350 --> 00:12:53,860 You're right. Rock, paper, scissors. 312 00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:57,360 What? Forget it. 313 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,860 Odds and evens. I take odds. 314 00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:00,360 Once-twice-three-shoot. 315 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,360 What? What is goin' on here? 316 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,870 You wanna know what's goin' on? I'll tell you what's goin' on. 317 00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:07,870 You are the most gullible little boy 318 00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:09,870 I have ever met in my life. ( baby gibberish ) 319 00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:12,380 ( laughing ) 320 00:13:12,370 --> 00:13:14,380 You mean, this--? What? ( chuckles ) 321 00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:16,880 You mean this is--? This is all a joke? 322 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,380 ( all laugh ) 323 00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:20,880 ( laughing ): I knew that. I knew-- 324 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,390 I can take a joke just as well as the next guy. 325 00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:25,890 No, I can't. I hate all of you. 326 00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:27,390 This is just too easy. 327 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:28,890 We shouldn't have done that. 328 00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,390 I'm really sorry, Joe. 329 00:13:30,390 --> 00:13:31,890 All right, now-- Now w-wait a minute. 330 00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:33,900 Let me get this straight, Sandy. 331 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,400 Everything that happened in your basement, 332 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,400 that whole prom thing, that was a joke? 333 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,400 'Fraid so. 334 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,910 Well, this, uh, might be a little belated, 335 00:13:42,910 --> 00:13:45,910 but, uh, hah-hah, good one. 336 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,910 So, friends? 337 00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:50,410 Yeah, sure. 338 00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:51,910 Okay, look, it's Sandy's last night here. 339 00:13:51,910 --> 00:13:53,920 Let's all go out. Okay, yeah. 340 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,420 I'd love to, but I have stuff to do at my parents' house. 341 00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:57,920 Okay, well, I'll give you a ride, 342 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,920 'cause I was just leavin' anyway. 343 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,430 Bye, Joey Bear. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 344 00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:04,930 ( sighs ) 345 00:14:11,430 --> 00:14:14,440 Brian just told me what happened in here. 346 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,440 Don't you feel the fool? 347 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,940 ( upbeat piano theme playing ) 348 00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:24,950 ( doorbell rings ) 349 00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:26,950 ( knock at door ) 350 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:27,950 JOE: Helen, you ready to go? 351 00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:31,450 It's so dark in here. 352 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:36,960 ( singing the "Wedding March" ) 353 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,960 Dum, dum, dum, dum 354 00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:45,970 Sandy, what is this? 355 00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:48,470 When I heard you and Helen were gettin' married, Joe, 356 00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:49,970 I couldn't let that happen. 357 00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:53,980 Welcome to our wedding, Joe. 358 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,480 ( melancholy theme playing ) 359 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,480 ( upbeat piano theme playing ) 360 00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:05,990 Wait a minute. 361 00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:06,990 What's going on here? 362 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,990 It's our wedding day, Joe. 363 00:15:08,990 --> 00:15:10,990 Isn't it exciting? 364 00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,000 ( groans ) 365 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,500 ( laughs ) 366 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,500 Duh. 367 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,500 ( laughing ): Oh, this-- I love this. 368 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:25,010 Oh, this is the best practical joke yet. 369 00:15:25,010 --> 00:15:26,510 ( laughs ) Joke? 370 00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,010 I don't understand, Joey Bear. 371 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,510 Oh, yeah, okay, all right, okay. 372 00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:34,020 Oh, well, then let's get "married," Sandy. 373 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:37,520 Oh, Joe, you don't know how long I've waited to hear those words. 374 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,520 Huh? 375 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,520 ( laughing ): Oh, right. 376 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,020 This is where I'm supposed to get freaked out 377 00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:43,530 and run out the door, right? 378 00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:45,030 Well, I don't think that's gonna happen. 379 00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:47,530 Oh, boy. So who's gonna marry us? 380 00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,030 Helen? Brian? 381 00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:51,030 No. 382 00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:53,540 The Honorable Judge Sandra Cooper. 383 00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:57,040 Oh-- Oh, okay, okay. That's very good. Come on. 384 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,040 Helen, Brian, come on out. You're missin' the best part. 385 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:02,040 They're not here, all right? What are ya, stupid? 386 00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:05,550 I'm sorry. We're not even married yet, 387 00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:08,050 and here I am being a nagging wife. 388 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,050 Uh, Sandy, quit foolin' around. 389 00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:12,560 Now-- Now, wh-where is Helen? 390 00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:14,060 That's a secret 391 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,560 I can only tell my husband. 392 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,560 ( the "Wedding March" playing on tape) 393 00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:24,570 ( turns off music ) 394 00:16:24,570 --> 00:16:26,570 Helen? "Dearly beloved, 395 00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:28,070 "we are gathered together to blah, blah, blah, 396 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,570 "yadda, yadda, yadda. 397 00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,070 "Does anybody here have any objection 398 00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:32,580 to these two being joined together?" 399 00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:33,580 Yeah, I object. 400 00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:36,580 Overruled. 401 00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,580 "Do you, Joey Bear Hackett, take Sandy Cooper 402 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,080 to be your lawfully wedded wife?" 403 00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:43,090 Sandy, look-- Say it. 404 00:16:43,090 --> 00:16:44,590 I do. 405 00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:48,090 "Do you, Sandy Cooper, take Joey Bear Hackett 406 00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,090 to be your lawfully wedded husband?" 407 00:16:50,090 --> 00:16:52,600 Oh, I do. 408 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,600 "I now pronounce you husband and wife. 409 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,600 You may kiss the bride." 410 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,100 Pass. Kiss the bride. 411 00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,110 Mm. 412 00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:06,610 Oh, I'm so happy. 413 00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:09,610 ( sobbing ): I promised myself I wouldn't cry. 414 00:17:09,610 --> 00:17:11,610 Don't cry. 415 00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:13,120 That's better. 416 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,620 Look-- Look, um, Sandy, 417 00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,120 now that we're married, 418 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,120 I don't think we should have any secrets from each other, 419 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:23,630 so why don't you just tell me where Helen is? 420 00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:25,130 Helen? 421 00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:30,630 Rules: We don't talk about former girlfriends, okay? Okay. 422 00:17:30,630 --> 00:17:32,130 I know: let's cut the wedding cake. 423 00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:34,140 But first you have to make a toast, Joe. 424 00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,640 ( sighing ) Make it now. 425 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,140 Look, Sandy, you can't keep doing this. 426 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,640 This is crazy-- This is the happiest day of my life. 427 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,640 L'chaim. Oh... 428 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,650 That is so sweet. 429 00:17:45,650 --> 00:17:48,150 Okay, open wide. 430 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,650 ( grunts ) 431 00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:52,150 Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, that is so funny. 432 00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:53,660 Somebody take a picture. 433 00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:56,660 I have to do everything myself. 434 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,160 ( mumbles ) ( shutter clicks ) 435 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,670 Helen? Helen? 436 00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:05,670 You know what it's time for now, Joey Bear? 437 00:18:05,670 --> 00:18:07,170 Thorazine Big Gulp? 438 00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:09,170 ( laughs hard ) 439 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,680 I don't care what anyone says, 440 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,180 you are funny. 441 00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:21,680 Okay, time to do the hokey-pokey. 442 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,690 No. No, Sandy, I am not doing the hokey-pokey. 443 00:18:25,690 --> 00:18:28,190 ( quietly ): Joe, everyone's looking. 444 00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:32,690 WOMAN ( on tape ): That's what It's all about 445 00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:34,200 Sandy, look-- Backside! 446 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,700 --I-I-I think that you have a serious problem. 447 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,200 You put Your backside out 448 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,200 I really think you need to see a professional. 449 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,700 And you shake it All about 450 00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:43,210 You do The hokey-pokey... 451 00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:45,210 Uh, where is Helen? 452 00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:46,710 Helen, Helen, Helen. 453 00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,210 That's it. This wedding's over. 454 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,710 Oh, thank God. Time for the honeymoon. 455 00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:53,220 No, no. Sandy, no, not a honeymoon. 456 00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:54,720 Look, Joe, Hawaii. 457 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,220 Aloha. 458 00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:57,220 ( shutter clicks ) No-- 459 00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,720 Oh! Gay Paris. 460 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,720 Oh, je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime. 461 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,230 ( French accent ): The food is so wonderful. 462 00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:04,730 If I have one more soufflé, I'll burst. 463 00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,730 Look, Sandy, don't take-- Ah, oh, okay. 464 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,230 Sandy, this honeymoon is over. 465 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:11,230 I know. Didn't it feel like it went by just like that? 466 00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:13,740 Now, Sandy, look-- 467 00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:14,740 No, no, no. 468 00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:16,740 Call me by that wonderful pet name 469 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,240 you have for me. 470 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,740 Okay. 471 00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:21,740 Psycho. 472 00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:28,750 Where is Helen? ( phone rings ) 473 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:31,250 HELEN ( recording ): Hi, this is Helen. Leave a message at the beep. 474 00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:32,760 No, no, Sandy, where--? Wh-where is--? 475 00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:35,260 HELEN ( on machine ): Hey, Sandy, are you there? It's Helen. 476 00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:38,260 I'm waiting at the restaurant. Look, H-Helen, I'm here. 477 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,760 Are you sure he said I should meet him here? Hello? 478 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:41,760 Uh... ( dial tone ) 479 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,770 Helen, I'm here. Hel-- 480 00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:48,770 Joey Bear, I'm beginning to feel like a neglected wife. 481 00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,770 All right, Sandy, I am going to say this to you 482 00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:52,270 as kindly as I possibly can. 483 00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:55,280 You are the sickest, most deeply disturbed person 484 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,780 I have ever met, and I never wanna see you again 485 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,780 as long as I live. Wait, Joe. 486 00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:03,290 I know you're angry, and you have every right to be. 487 00:20:03,290 --> 00:20:06,790 I spent too much money in Paris, didn't I? 488 00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,790 Yeah, that was it. 489 00:20:11,790 --> 00:20:13,800 Au revoir, ma petite wacko. 490 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,800 ( upbeat piano theme playing ) 491 00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,300 All right, Roy, you, uh-- You know the plan, right? 492 00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:24,310 Yeah, yeah, when Cochran comes over, 493 00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,810 I-- I squirt you with my fountain pen, 494 00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,310 ruining the suit forever. 495 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:29,810 Right, exactly. 496 00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:32,310 Oh, hi, Antonio. 497 00:20:32,310 --> 00:20:34,820 Heh. My, don't you look dashing. 498 00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,820 ( Fay chuckles ) Yeah, Fay, I-I love it. 499 00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,320 I just love it. 500 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,320 FAY: Oh...! ROY: Whoops, oh. 501 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,820 Oops, clumsy me. Whoops. Whoops. 502 00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:48,830 Oh, look what you've done. 503 00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:52,330 This perfectly beautiful suit's totally ruined. 504 00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:53,840 Oh, nonsense. 505 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,340 That's the beauty of a poly-Orlon. 506 00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,340 Heh! Nothing sticks to it. 507 00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:01,840 You'll have those clothes for the rest of your life. 508 00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:07,350 What do you want me to hit you with tomorrow? 509 00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,850 How about a bullet? 510 00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:13,860 Ah, come on. Give it a rest, Joe. 511 00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:14,860 I'm not buyin' it. 512 00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:16,360 Brian, I know it sounds crazy, 513 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,360 but we did the hokey-pokey. 514 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,360 Okay. Y-you're trying to get back at us 515 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,360 for what we did yesterday. 516 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,370 In the future, if you're gonna pull a practical joke, 517 00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:26,370 you need to be a little bit more convincing. 518 00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:29,870 Uh, no. Oh, no, okay. This is not gonna happen again. 519 00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:30,870 Now, Sandy, I want you 520 00:21:30,870 --> 00:21:32,370 to tell them everything that happened. 521 00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:34,380 I want you to tell 'em about the wedding 522 00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:36,380 and about how we went to Hawaii and gay Paris. 523 00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:37,880 Huh? 524 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:38,880 Oh, okay, I get it. 525 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,880 Yes, we went to Hawaii, Paris and Japan. 526 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,390 She's lying. We came right back after Paris. 527 00:21:45,390 --> 00:21:47,390 You are not leaving this island until you tell the truth. 528 00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:49,890 Joe, stop it. It's not funny anymore. 529 00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:50,890 Bye, Sandy. It was good to see you. 530 00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:52,390 You too. Bye, Sandy. 531 00:21:52,390 --> 00:21:54,900 Oh, you're my sister-in-law now. 532 00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:57,900 Welcome to the family. ( chuckles ) 533 00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,900 Bye-bye. 534 00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:00,900 Bye, Joe. 535 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,410 Next year: Joe Junior. 536 00:22:06,410 --> 00:22:07,910 ( upbeat piano theme playing ) 537 00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:16,420 LOWELL: Oh, baby. 538 00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:17,920 Oh, baby. 539 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,420 Oh, baby! 540 00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:24,430 Ooh, ooh, ooh, baby. 541 00:22:26,430 --> 00:22:28,430 Oh, my God. I don't believe this. 542 00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:31,430 What the hell is goin' on in there, Chappel? 543 00:22:31,430 --> 00:22:35,440 Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh! 544 00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:38,440 ( gasps ) 545 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,940 Oh, that was one fine pot roast. 39471

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