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1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:06,090
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:09,590 --> 00:00:11,090
( chatter, plane flying
overhead )
3
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:17,600
Hey, zippy.
You in charge here?
4
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:24,110
What the hell are you?
5
00:00:24,110 --> 00:00:26,610
We're the Three Wise Men.
Who do you think we are?
6
00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:28,110
I don't know.
7
00:00:28,110 --> 00:00:30,610
For a minute I thought maybe
the Jacksons got back together.
8
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:32,620
( chuckles mockingly )
9
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:34,620
Look, pally, we just finished
a Christmas pageant.
10
00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:36,120
We've got to get back
to Brooklyn.
11
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,120
So I need three tickets on
your next flight to LaGuardia.
12
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:39,620
Oh. No, sorry.
13
00:00:39,620 --> 00:00:41,620
That flight's booked solid.
14
00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,630
No, no, see, you're not
following me here, cupcake.
15
00:00:43,630 --> 00:00:45,630
We're tired, we're hungry,
16
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:48,130
Benny's costume's
starting to reek.
17
00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:50,630
You're no bottle of
rose water yourself.
18
00:00:50,630 --> 00:00:52,140
But like I said:
we're booked.
19
00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:54,640
All right, look, maybe we got
off on the wrong foot, right?
20
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,140
That happens.
21
00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,140
So I'll tell you what,
twinkle toes, perhaps you could
22
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,140
recheck your, uh,
reservations,
23
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:01,140
see if maybe three of
24
00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:03,150
your passengers might
have booked the wrong flight?
25
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:04,150
You know what I'm saying.
26
00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:05,650
Now, just hold on here.
27
00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:08,150
Are you actually offering me
a $20 bribe
28
00:01:08,150 --> 00:01:11,150
to screw three people out of
getting home for the holidays?
29
00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:15,160
Ho-ho. You know, for a wise man,
you're not very wise.
30
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,160
( sighs )
31
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:20,160
Getting wiser.
32
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,670
Wiser.
33
00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:24,670
Cupcake, you're
a genius.
34
00:01:24,670 --> 00:01:25,670
Okay.
35
00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:27,670
( lively theme playing )
36
00:01:31,670 --> 00:01:33,180
( plane flying overhead )
37
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,680
Well...that's it.
My last flight.
38
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,180
Our Christmas has
officially started.
39
00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,680
I'm so excited.
40
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,680
This is our first Christmas
since we got engaged.
41
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,190
We're gonna roast
chestnuts...
42
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:43,190
Mm, and make love by the fire...
43
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:44,690
We're gonna hang
stockings...
44
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,190
And make love by the fire.
45
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:47,690
We're gonna open
presents.
46
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:49,190
And two of those presents
are gonna help us
47
00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:50,690
make love by the fire.
48
00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:53,700
Let's go.
49
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:56,700
Hi, Fay.
Hi, Fay.
50
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,200
Y-you two aren't
leaving now.
51
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,200
You'll miss my Christmas party.
52
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,210
Oh, well, Fay, uh,
you know how much
53
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:04,210
we do love
your Christmas party,
54
00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:06,710
but Joe and I have to
go home and, um...
55
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:07,710
Uh...
56
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:09,210
stuff the turkey.
57
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,220
Uh, but-- But I've been
planning this all week.
58
00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:19,220
I-I even made my lemon bars
that everyone loves so much.
59
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:20,720
( both laugh )
60
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,230
She made her lemon bars
that everybody loves so much.
61
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:26,230
How do you say no
to those lemon bars?
62
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,230
You don't.
63
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:31,230
Hey, Joe.
64
00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:33,240
Uh, listen, do you mind if
I take off early for,
65
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,240
you know,
Christmas?
66
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,240
Well, eh, hey, Lowell,
it's fine with me but--
67
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:37,740
No, you can't.
68
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:38,740
You'll miss my party.
69
00:02:38,740 --> 00:02:40,740
I made my lemon bars.
70
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:42,250
God, why?
71
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:46,750
Uh-- I mean, uh--
Heh. Oh, my.
72
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:49,250
Uh, look, Fay,
you're not gonna
73
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,250
schiz out about
this party
74
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:51,760
like you did
last year, are you?
75
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:53,760
Yes, you know, it's not
gonna be much of a holiday
76
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,760
if we have to
sedate you again.
77
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:59,260
I'm trying to bring
a little Christmas cheer
78
00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:02,270
to those closest
and dearest to me.
79
00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:04,770
Is that
schizing out?
80
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,770
Well, I-I just need
ten minutes to get ready.
81
00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:11,770
I think this is gonna be
the best party ever.
82
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,280
Merry Christmas, Brian.
83
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,780
( mockingly ):
Merry Christmas, Brian.
Merry Christmas, Brian.
84
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,280
Why does everybody
keep saying that?
85
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,280
It's just one day.
86
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,290
God was born. Move on.
You know?
87
00:03:24,790 --> 00:03:26,290
Come on, Brian,
we know that you're upset
88
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:28,290
because you have to spend
the holidays alone.
89
00:03:28,290 --> 00:03:29,290
But don't take it
out on us.
90
00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:31,290
Yeah, that's right. And, you
know, by the way, we are
91
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:33,800
not amused by where you moved
the carrot on our snowman.
92
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,300
That was supposed to be
his nose.
93
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:38,300
Well, if you thought you were
depressed before, get this.
94
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:40,800
We got to stay here
for Fay's Christmas party.
95
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,310
And she made her
lemon bars.
96
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,810
Ah. Good timing.
97
00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:46,810
Just finished burping up
the ones from last year.
98
00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:50,310
Hey, uh,
Joey, Helen,
99
00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:51,310
you know
what would
100
00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:53,320
make me feel...
really great?
101
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,820
( plane flying overhead )
102
00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:57,320
Is if I had someone
to spend Christmas with.
103
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,820
Oh, honey. Why didn't
you say so before?
104
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:02,330
Roy, Brian wants to
spend Christmas with you.
105
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:03,330
ROY:
Tough.
106
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,830
I got big plans.
107
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:08,330
I'm taking Mom to St. Louis
to the Bowling Hall of Fame.
108
00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:10,830
I just hope four days
is enough.
109
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:13,840
Merry Christmas, everybody.
110
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:14,840
ALL:
Merry Christmas.
111
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:15,840
Hey, Antonio, Antonio.
112
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,340
Uh, you don't have
any sort of life.
113
00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:20,840
You want to...
114
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,350
Want to spend
Christmas together?
115
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:25,350
Oh, sorry, pal.
No. Not this year.
116
00:04:25,350 --> 00:04:27,350
This year I'm spending
Christmas
117
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,350
with my new
girlfriend, Phoebe.
118
00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:32,860
Oh. Wait a minute.
You have a girlfriend?
119
00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:34,360
Yes, I have
a girlfriend.
120
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,860
Put your eyes back
in their sockets.
121
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:39,860
What am I?
The village eunuch?
122
00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:43,370
No, not this year.
Brian is.
123
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:44,370
( Antonio laughs )
124
00:04:45,370 --> 00:04:46,870
Well, I just wanted to
stop by
125
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:48,370
and wish everybody...
126
00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:50,870
Merry
Christmas
127
00:04:50,870 --> 00:04:52,880
And, uh-- I'm
meeting Phoebe in an hour,
128
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,380
and, uh, we're going to
have sex,
129
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:57,380
if you know what I mean.
130
00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:01,890
Hi.
131
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,390
I'll have my usual, please:
132
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,390
black coffee
and a jelly doughnut.
133
00:05:05,390 --> 00:05:07,390
Oh. I'm sorry. I'm out
of the jelly doughnuts.
134
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,890
But you know I have one
every afternoon.
135
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:13,900
Every afternoon
at exactly this time,
136
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:15,400
I come down and say,
137
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,900
"Hi. I'll have
my usual, please:
138
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,400
black coffee
and a jelly doughnut."
139
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,910
I'm sorry. I sold
the last one to him.
140
00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:24,910
I'm starving.
141
00:05:24,910 --> 00:05:26,910
I've been having
a lot of sex.
142
00:05:29,910 --> 00:05:32,920
But how-- How could you
do this to me?
143
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,420
Didn't you tell him,
"Hey, wait a minute.
144
00:05:35,420 --> 00:05:38,420
You can't have that doughnut.
That's Bob's doughnut."
145
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,430
Um, n-no,
I didn't say that.
146
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:47,430
But I tell you what:
why don't I get a plain doughnut
147
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,930
and put some jelly on it,
148
00:05:48,930 --> 00:05:52,440
and we can call that
Bob's doughnut.
149
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,440
Are you mocking me?
150
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,940
Uh, no, I'm just
trying to help.
151
00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:00,940
I'll tell you what:
I'll go check in the kitchen.
152
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,450
Maybe there's a jelly doughnut
I forgot about.
153
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,450
Really? Hey,
that would be great.
154
00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:07,950
And remember, if there is,
and somebody else wants it,
155
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:10,450
you just say,
"No. That's Bob's doughnut,"
156
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:10,950
and send it on up.
157
00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:13,960
You bet I will.
158
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,960
Whoa. What
a nut case.
159
00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:22,470
Who is that guy?
160
00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:24,470
He's the air-traffic
controller.
161
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:30,470
Well, wh--? What
happened to Walter?
162
00:06:30,470 --> 00:06:33,480
Walter's recovering
from eye surgery.
163
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,480
It's so comforting to know
that the guy landing our planes
164
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,980
had double vision.
165
00:06:38,980 --> 00:06:40,480
Well, couldn't find
a jelly doughnut.
166
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,990
But I found
a chocolate one.
167
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:45,490
Who knows? Maybe this
could be Bob's doughnut.
168
00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:46,490
( chuckles )
169
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,490
Well, I'm going upstairs anyway.
170
00:06:48,490 --> 00:06:49,490
I'll take it up to him.
171
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:50,990
HELEN:
Thanks.
172
00:06:50,990 --> 00:06:53,000
Hey, look at this. I got
a Christmas card from Gail.
173
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,500
Well--
Sent myself
a Christmas card this year.
174
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,000
Didn't get it.
175
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,000
How pathetic
is that?
176
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,510
So, um, that's
a Christmas card from Gail.
177
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,510
As in your ex-girlfriend,
Gail?
178
00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,010
Yeah, you want to read it?
179
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,010
Oh, no, I don't need
to read it.
180
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:11,010
I'm not insec--
Okay, I'll read it.
181
00:07:11,010 --> 00:07:12,010
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
182
00:07:12,010 --> 00:07:16,020
"Happy holidays.
Thinking of you. Love, Gail."
183
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:17,520
Okay, what is this?
184
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,520
Oh, come on, Helen.
It's no big deal.
185
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,030
It's just a Christmas card.
186
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:24,030
Oh, you poor naive man.
187
00:07:24,030 --> 00:07:25,530
Let me translate.
188
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:28,030
"Happy holidays.
Thinking of you. Love, Gail,"
189
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:30,030
means, "Dump the blonde,
I want you back."
190
00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:33,540
Look, y-y-you are
100 percent wrong.
191
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:35,540
She-- I never even would have
gotten this card
192
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:36,540
if I hadn't sent her one first.
193
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,040
You sent...her one first?
194
00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:45,550
So, um...
195
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,550
what are we doing
for Christmas?
196
00:07:52,050 --> 00:07:53,060
Helen...
197
00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:54,560
Oh, thank God
you're here.
198
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,560
You have to
fly me to Boston.
199
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,560
Ha. You know, the beauty of
living in a democracy is,
200
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,060
I really don't.
Oh.
201
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,070
We-- Yes, you do.
202
00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:05,570
I'm on my way to this very
exclusive Christmas party.
203
00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:07,570
Oh, really?
How did you get invited?
204
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,070
Well, I happen to know a lot
of very important people.
205
00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:12,580
My former cleaning lady works
for the Kennedys, and she says
206
00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:13,580
if I get there by 9,
207
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,080
she can sneak me through
the doggy door.
208
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,580
You know something?
209
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:20,080
That-- That's the most
desperate and pathetic thing
210
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,080
I have ever heard.
211
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,590
Except for this: please let me
crawl along as your date.
212
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:28,090
Okay. Okay, but after
we slip out of the dumb waiter
213
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,590
and into the party, don't do
anything to embarrass me.
214
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,600
( plane flying overhead )
215
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,600
Excuse me...
216
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,100
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
I'm being silly.
217
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:41,600
I don't want to do anything
to mess up our Christmas.
218
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,610
( quietly ):
Excuse me.
219
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:48,610
( cocks, gunshot )
220
00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:50,610
( crowd screaming )
221
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,620
You all know Bob.
222
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:03,630
The man who's pointing
his gun in my back.
223
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,630
Apparently, Bob...
224
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,130
not a chocolate lover.
225
00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:15,140
Okay.
226
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:16,140
Now, nobody moves,
227
00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:18,640
or the guy who ate
Bob's doughnut gets it.
228
00:09:25,650 --> 00:09:29,150
( lively theme playing )
229
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:30,150
Bob.
230
00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:33,160
Bob, don't-- Don't
do anything crazy.
231
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,160
Now, put-- Put--
Put the gun down.
232
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,160
Please don't kill me.
233
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,660
For the first time
in my life,
234
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:42,670
uh, I actually have
something to live for.
235
00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:44,170
Shut up.
236
00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:45,670
Okay.
237
00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:47,170
Now, nobody comes
near me, or...
238
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,670
I shoot him!
239
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:51,670
And nobody leaves the building,
or I shoot him.
240
00:09:51,670 --> 00:09:54,680
And, uh, nobody
comes in or--
241
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,180
Yes. We know.
You'll shoot him.
242
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,680
We're not idiots.
243
00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:03,190
Bob. Bob, come on, w--
Why are you doing this?
244
00:10:03,190 --> 00:10:04,190
What do you want?
245
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:06,190
I want my jelly doughnut.
246
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:07,690
We don't make deals!
247
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,700
Oh, uh-- Uh, ex--
Excuse me.
248
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,700
I-I know you just said
you wanted a doughnut,
249
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,200
but I'd be happy to give you
one of my lemon bars.
250
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,200
Fay, what are you
trying to do?
251
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,710
Get us all killed?
252
00:10:22,710 --> 00:10:23,710
What is going on?
253
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:25,210
He says we can't
take off
254
00:10:25,210 --> 00:10:27,710
because the dork in the control
tower won't give us clearance.
255
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,710
Oh, I am now officially
a dead man.
256
00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:32,720
Hey, Bob, what the hell
are you doing down here?
257
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:33,720
I have to take off.
Chop-chop!
258
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,720
He has got a gun
on Antonio.
259
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:36,720
He says he's gonna
shoot him
260
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,220
if he doesn't get
a jelly doughnut.
261
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,720
Well, that's
a no-brainer.
262
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,720
Um, get him
a doughnut.
263
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,730
Ahem. They don't have
any jelly doughnuts
264
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,730
in this Mickey Mouse airport.
265
00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:47,230
Hey, can you watch
what you say
266
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,730
about this airport,
mister!
267
00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:52,740
Lowell, why don't you just take
the gun and shoot me yourself?
268
00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:56,740
You know...
269
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:58,240
I don't ask
for much.
270
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,740
He really doesn't
ask for much.
271
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:02,250
My life is crap.
272
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,250
Total crap.
273
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,250
I can't hold a job.
274
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,750
My marriage is
falling apart.
275
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:11,250
And the only thing that
I have to look forward to
276
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:12,760
in my crummy
little existence
277
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,260
is my daily
jelly doughnut.
278
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:17,760
Just one doughnut.
279
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,760
So you'd better get one
and send it up quick.
280
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,260
Quick like a bunny.
281
00:11:23,270 --> 00:11:26,270
And remember that I can see
everything from that tower.
282
00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:28,270
So if you are thinking
of sneaking out...
283
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:31,770
or calling
the cops...don't.
284
00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:33,780
Or I can guarantee you
that your friend here
285
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,780
will not have
a very merry Christmas.
286
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,280
( mellow theme playing )
287
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,290
Come on. Quick.
288
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,290
Come on. Come in here.
289
00:11:49,290 --> 00:11:50,290
Shut the door.
290
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:51,790
HELEN:
Gosh. I don't believe this.
291
00:11:51,790 --> 00:11:52,800
What are we
gonna do?
292
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,800
Oh. Poor Antonio.
293
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,800
Are you sure you don't
have another doughnut?
294
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,300
Uh, I'm gonna go ahead and
say this one more time:
295
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,300
I don't have
a jelly doughnut.
296
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:04,810
Okay. I called the cops.
297
00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:07,810
What? Are you crazy?
He told us not to.
298
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,810
( mockingly ):
He told us not to.
He told us not to.
299
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:12,320
Okay, that's good.
300
00:12:12,310 --> 00:12:13,820
The police will be here
any second.
301
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:14,820
Oh...not exactly.
302
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:16,320
What do you mean?
303
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,320
Well, I could only reach
Claudia at the switchboard.
304
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,320
Everybody else is out
at a Christmas party.
305
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,320
So she's rounding
'em up.
306
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,830
It's gonna take
a little while.
Oh.
307
00:12:22,830 --> 00:12:23,830
Oh, great.
308
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:25,830
Right now, Mom is
sitting outside that home
309
00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:27,830
in a lawn chair
with her ball and her shoes.
310
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:30,330
If I don't get there soon,
she'll just start bowling.
311
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:32,840
Oh, my God.
312
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,340
What?
313
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:36,340
I just realized I don't
have enough lemon bars
314
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:37,340
for the police.
315
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,340
It's all right, Fay.
316
00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:43,350
They already have
their own weapons.
317
00:12:44,350 --> 00:12:46,350
Come on, don't pick on her.
318
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,350
Oh, listen, if it's
anyone's fault, it's yours!
319
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:50,850
You're the one
who sold Bob's doughnut.
320
00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:52,860
HELEN:
Do you believe that?
Hey, Fay.
321
00:12:52,860 --> 00:12:54,360
( all chattering )
322
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,360
People!
Oh.
323
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:02,870
Let's can the chatter.
We got a situation here.
324
00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:06,870
( crash )
325
00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:11,370
You broke my clock.
Gail gave me that clo--
326
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,880
Joe, Antonio's life is
hanging in the balance,
327
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,380
and you're worried
about a clock?
328
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,880
If you weren't my boss,
I'd spank you.
329
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:24,390
All right.
330
00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:26,890
These are the blueprints
for the airport.
331
00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,890
Now, the tower is here.
332
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:31,890
We're over here.
333
00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:35,400
Now, I'm gonna throw
a grappling hook up here,
334
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,400
so I can drop down
on him here.
335
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,400
( sighs )
336
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,400
Mather, you boob,
those plans are upside down.
337
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,410
Okay, everything I just said...
338
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,410
flip it.
339
00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:49,410
Okay.
340
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:50,910
Now then,
here's your assignments.
341
00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:53,420
Fay, call Bob's wife.
There's the phone number.
342
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:54,920
Helen. Cookbook.
343
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,420
Jelly doughnut recipe,
page 79. Make one.
344
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,430
Joe, make some coffee.
It's gonna be a long night.
345
00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:05,430
Brian, change that sweater.
It doesn't match the ensemble.
346
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,430
Roy...
347
00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:11,430
you keep
the passengers calm.
348
00:14:11,430 --> 00:14:12,430
How?
349
00:14:12,430 --> 00:14:15,940
Damn it, man!
Use your imagination.
350
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:18,940
Tell 'em jokes.
Play games.
351
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:20,440
Break 'em up
into guys and girls
352
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:21,940
and sing "Summer Lovin'"
from Grease.
353
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:27,950
Casey...
354
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,950
just in case I don't
make it back...
355
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,960
( mellow theme playing )
356
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:54,980
What, are you nervous?
357
00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:56,980
'Cause, I mean,
you are sweating a lot.
358
00:14:56,980 --> 00:15:00,480
Of course I'm nervous.
You're pointing a gun at me.
359
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,990
Yeah, but, I mean, that's
not just regular sweating.
360
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:04,990
What you've got there
is problem perspiration.
361
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:09,490
Wh-- What am I
supposed to do?
362
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:10,490
Stop it.
363
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:11,490
It's not so easy--
364
00:15:11,490 --> 00:15:12,490
Stop it.
I can't.
365
00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:14,000
Your perspiring
makes me nervous.
366
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,500
When I'm nervous
my hand shakes.
367
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,500
I can't stop perspiring,
because when your hand shakes,
368
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,000
it makes me nervous!
369
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,000
You just stop sweating!
370
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,000
You stop shaking!
371
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,000
All right!
372
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,510
Okay.
All right!
373
00:15:23,510 --> 00:15:25,510
I hate that we're fighting.
374
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:31,010
You know, my-- My wife and I
fight all the time.
375
00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:34,520
All couples fight.
376
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,020
Yeah, but we're--
We're drifting apart.
377
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,020
All couples drift.
378
00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:42,020
She's having an affair.
379
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:44,530
Nice shoes.
380
00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:47,530
Really? You like 'em?
381
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:50,030
I got these when
I lived in Chicago.
382
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:51,530
I used to work at O'Hare,
383
00:15:51,530 --> 00:15:53,040
the busiest airport
in the world.
384
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,040
The big time. The show.
385
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,540
Why did you leave?
386
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:58,040
Yeah, my boss said that
387
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,540
I couldn't handle
the pressure anymore.
388
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:01,040
That I was unstable.
389
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,550
Can you imagine that?
390
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:04,050
Me, unstable.
391
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:09,550
Look, Bob, I-I-I know
things may seem bad now,
392
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:13,060
but one way to look at it is,
when things can't get any worse
393
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:15,060
they can only get better.
394
00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:16,060
You think?
395
00:16:16,060 --> 00:16:17,560
Oh, sure.
396
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,560
Wow. I like that.
397
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,070
You know, maybe I have been
overreacting a little bit.
398
00:16:23,070 --> 00:16:25,570
I mean, after all,
it's just a doughnut.
399
00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:28,070
That's all.
It's just a doughnut.
400
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:33,080
Oh, my God!
401
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,580
W-- What's wrong?
402
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:37,580
Oh, it's-- It's--
It's no big deal.
403
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:41,580
There's a scratch
on your shoe.
404
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:42,580
Damn.
405
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:45,090
Just when things
were going so well.
406
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:48,090
Yeah, you know,
they are scratched.
407
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:51,090
But I'm not gonna
let it spoil my mood.
408
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:53,100
I think I've turned
a corner here.
409
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,600
Things are
looking up.
410
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,100
( yells )
411
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:02,610
You know...
412
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,110
you're gonna have to
calm down, Antonio.
413
00:17:05,110 --> 00:17:06,610
I used to be nervous like you.
414
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:07,610
( knocking )
415
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,610
Who is it?!
416
00:17:09,610 --> 00:17:12,610
BRIAN:
The jelly doughnut
is ready.
417
00:17:12,610 --> 00:17:15,120
Bob's
jelly doughnut.
418
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,620
You see that?
419
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,120
Things are looking up.
420
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,620
Come on, buddy. Let's eat.
421
00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:23,130
( plane flying overhead )
422
00:17:23,130 --> 00:17:25,130
( quiet chatter )
423
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:26,630
Okay. They're
coming down.
424
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:27,630
All right.
Helen, come on.
425
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,130
Where are you
with that doughnut?
426
00:17:29,130 --> 00:17:30,130
They're coming down.
427
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:33,140
Okay. Here it is.
428
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,140
I'm Phoebe.
429
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:38,640
Someone just called me
and told me
430
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,640
to get down here
right away.
431
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,640
Wh-- Uh, Phoebe,
Antonio's girlfriend?
432
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,650
How do you know that?
433
00:17:44,650 --> 00:17:47,650
Look, someone named Fay
said it was an emergency.
434
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,650
Fay, why did you call
Antonio's girlfriend?
435
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:51,650
I didn't!
436
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:53,660
I called Bob's wife!
437
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,660
Here we come.
438
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,660
We're coming for
Bob's doughnut.
439
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:05,170
BOTH:
Phoebe.
440
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:08,670
BOTH:
Hey. How do you know Phoebe?
441
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:18,180
( lively theme playing )
442
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:23,190
I had no idea
Phoebe was your wife.
443
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,690
I swear. I--
444
00:18:24,690 --> 00:18:27,190
I didn't even know
she was married.
445
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:28,190
He's right, Bob.
446
00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:30,690
I didn't tell him.
447
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:32,690
Believe me...
448
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:35,200
if I had known, I-I never
would have gone near her.
449
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,200
Not that she isn't
a lovely girl--
450
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,200
You really are
one lucky guy.
451
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,200
Oh, yeah.
452
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,200
My wife is making it
with a cabdriver.
453
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,710
How lucky can you get?
454
00:18:43,710 --> 00:18:47,710
Hey. I only did it because
he paid attention to me.
455
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,210
And he was a good lover too.
456
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,210
She's lying!
She's lying.
457
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:55,720
I'm, uh-- I'm-- I'm clumsy,
I'm inexperienced.
458
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,220
I-I don't even know
where everything is.
459
00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:01,220
Okay, that's it!
460
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:02,730
I'm through
talking now!
461
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:03,730
No, no! Bob, Bob,
Bob, come on.
462
00:19:03,730 --> 00:19:05,230
Don't do anything crazy.
463
00:19:05,230 --> 00:19:07,730
I am not going to do
anything crazy.
464
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,230
I'm simply going to
shoot the guy
465
00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:11,230
who's been sleeping
with my wife.
466
00:19:11,230 --> 00:19:12,230
Oh, oh, okay.
Okay.
467
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:14,240
Bob, uh,
you need to relax.
468
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,740
Uh, I know why
you're upset.
469
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:20,740
You haven't had your delicious,
homemade jelly doughnut.
470
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:21,740
Let me get it.
471
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,750
What?
472
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:33,260
That was
Bob's doughnut.
473
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:34,760
Well, how was I
supposed to know?
474
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,260
I didn't see
his freakin' name on it.
475
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,760
This is just great!
476
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,270
My day started out lousy!
477
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:47,770
It's gonna end lousy,
just like my whole life!
478
00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:50,270
You. You said it couldn't
get any worse.
479
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:51,270
You lied.
480
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:52,780
Things are very worse,
481
00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:54,780
but not as bad as they're
gonna be for you!
482
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:56,280
Bob, Bob, lis-- Listen--
483
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,280
Listen, Bob. Come on,
it's Christmas.
484
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,780
We're all under
a lot of stress.
Yeah.
485
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:02,780
You are not the only one
in the world with problems.
486
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:04,290
We all have problems.
487
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:07,290
Yeah? Not like me, buddy.
Nobody's got problems like me.
488
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,790
Oh, Bob, don't give me that!
489
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:09,790
Look at her!
490
00:20:12,790 --> 00:20:16,800
For years, she's been throwing
this miserable Christmas party.
491
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:20,800
And she serves these
disgusting lemon bars.
492
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:21,800
And the-- The worst part
of it is,
493
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,310
she actually believes
that we like them.
494
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:25,810
What planet is she from?
495
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:29,810
And-- And-- And what--? What
about this guy here? Huh?
496
00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:31,810
He is so alone he's sending
himself Christmas cards.
497
00:20:31,810 --> 00:20:33,320
Pfft. Eh, depressing?
498
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,320
Eh. We're thinking of taking
away his belt and his shoelaces.
499
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:39,320
And-- And what about--? What
about him? What about him?
500
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,320
A middle-aged man who's
gonna spend Christmas
501
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,830
at the Bowling Hall of Fame
with his mother.
502
00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:46,330
You don't even want to
look under that rock.
503
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:50,330
And that-- That brings us to
this lovely lady right here.
504
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:52,330
A woman with no job,
no husband.
505
00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:54,840
She's all dressed up to fly off
to Boston, so some cleaning lady
506
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,340
can sneak her into a party
through the doggy door.
507
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,340
What is that?
What is that?
508
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:03,350
And th-- That leads us
to the sister, my fiancée,
509
00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:05,850
a woman so insecure
and neurotic,
510
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:07,350
that she is willing to ruin
511
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:10,350
our first Christmas together
because I got a lousy
512
00:21:10,350 --> 00:21:12,350
Christmas card
from my ex-girlfriend.
513
00:21:12,350 --> 00:21:13,860
That's normal. Uh-huh.
514
00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:18,360
So, Bob, what I'm trying
to say is, you know,
515
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,860
y-your life really,
really isn't that bad.
516
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:22,860
( stammers )
517
00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:24,370
You want to
know the truth?
518
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:26,870
You got more going for you
than all of them.
519
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,370
So-- Come on,
what do you say?
520
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:32,880
Now, give me the gun.
521
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:34,880
PHOEBE:
Please, Bob.
522
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,880
Give him the gun.
523
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,380
( sighs )
524
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:43,390
( exhales )
525
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,390
JOE:
Okay.
526
00:21:49,390 --> 00:21:51,390
Hey. Wh-- What are you
looking at me like that for?
527
00:21:51,390 --> 00:21:52,900
I got the gun!
528
00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:54,400
I got the gun!
529
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,400
Freeze, police!
530
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,400
Freeze!
531
00:21:58,900 --> 00:21:59,900
JOE:
Uh. Hey, hey, hey.
532
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:01,400
( stammers )
533
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:02,910
No, no, no. Uh, come on,
everyone,
534
00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:03,910
tell 'em I'm not the guy.
535
00:22:04,910 --> 00:22:07,910
Hey. Hey, hey.
Um, come on.
536
00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:08,910
Please, come on.
537
00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:09,910
Tell 'em.
538
00:22:12,910 --> 00:22:25,430
( instrumental "Jingle Bells"
playing over radio )
38026
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