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1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:05,590
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:08,590
Future graduates...
3
00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:10,090
Future graduates...
4
00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:12,100
Lowell.
What are you doing?
5
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:13,600
Well, actually, I've--
6
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,100
I've been asked to give
the commencement speech
7
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,600
at my alma mater, MIT.
8
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:21,610
Lowell, you did not go
9
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,110
to the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology.
10
00:00:24,110 --> 00:00:27,110
Excuse me, Joe. MIT:
11
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:30,110
Murray's Institute of Tools.
12
00:00:31,110 --> 00:00:32,620
All right, so tell me
what you think.
13
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:36,620
All right, "Future graduates,
esteemed colleagues,
14
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:39,120
"Murray...
15
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,120
"as you look back
16
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:43,130
"on your educational experience
here at MIT,
17
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,130
"I'm sure you'll
always remember it
18
00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:48,630
as the finest two weeks
of your life."
19
00:00:48,630 --> 00:00:49,630
( scoffs )
20
00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:51,130
Bet if you'd gone
for another week
21
00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:53,140
you could have been
Dr. Mather.
22
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:55,140
Dr. Mather.
23
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:56,140
( groans )
24
00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,640
If only I'd had
the 59 bucks.
25
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,640
( upbeat theme playing )
26
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:08,650
I am so glad
you guys are here.
27
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:10,150
I'm in big
trouble and I--
28
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:11,150
I don't know
who to turn to.
29
00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:13,660
I need $200.
30
00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:15,660
Oh, God, Casey,
what's wrong?
31
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:17,660
I gotta get
my hair done.
32
00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:24,170
That's your big emergency?
33
00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:25,670
Your roots are showing?
34
00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:27,670
Helen, you know me.
35
00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:28,670
I hate to ask for money.
36
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:30,170
Then the last couple of weeks
37
00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:32,680
must have been
pure hell for you.
38
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:33,680
Come on,
you understand.
39
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:34,680
You're my sister.
40
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,680
I mean, I was lucky enough
to get an appointment
41
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,680
at the Licari Salon
in New York.
42
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,680
Please. Are you telling me
there's not a salon
43
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,190
good enough for you
here on Nantucket?
44
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:43,190
No. I just can't bring myself
45
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:46,690
to go to a place called
Yankee Doodle Scissors.
46
00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:49,190
Look, Casey, you are gonna
have to face reality.
47
00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:51,700
There's nothing wrong
with being an ordinary person
48
00:01:51,690 --> 00:01:53,700
and getting an ordinary,
plain haircut.
49
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:56,700
Just ask Helen who she u-ses.
50
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,700
Sometimes don't you just wish
you could just suck the words
51
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,710
right back
into your mouth?
52
00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:09,210
Look. Casey, you don't need
to spend all that money.
53
00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:11,210
You can go down
to the place that I go.
54
00:02:11,210 --> 00:02:13,220
Where's that?
Yankee Doodle Scissors.
55
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,720
God help me,
but I'm off
56
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,220
to get my
Yankee Doodle 'do.
57
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,730
I can't stop smiling.
You wanna know why?
58
00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:33,740
You found loose change
in the passenger seats again?
59
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:37,240
Yes, but that's not
the only reason.
60
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,740
Just had an incredible
therapy session this morning.
61
00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:42,250
Dr. Greyson says that
I'm completely over Alex,
62
00:02:42,250 --> 00:02:43,750
and I'm ready to
start dating again.
63
00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:44,750
Huh? Ha-ha.
64
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,250
That's it? Nothing?
65
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,250
( scoffs )
66
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:52,260
Dr. Greyson gave me a hug.
67
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:55,260
For a hundred bucks an hour,
I'll give you a hickey.
68
00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:58,260
Hey, Brian.
69
00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:00,260
Hey, hey, Joanie-Joan.
Where have you been?
70
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:01,770
You haven't taken
my flight lately.
71
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,270
Okay. Can you keep
a secret?
72
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:06,270
I have been living
in the Biosphere.
73
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:09,270
Oh. Well, then that would
explain the pasty look.
74
00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:10,270
Uh, jab. What are you reading--?
75
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:11,780
Oh, the new John Irving
book, huh?
76
00:03:11,770 --> 00:03:13,780
Yeah, I just finished it.
You wanna borrow it?
77
00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:15,280
That'd be great.
But, uh, I have to warn you.
78
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,280
I'm not very good
at returning things.
79
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,280
Well, neither am I.
80
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,280
Actually, I think
that's a friend's.
81
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:21,280
I'll see you
on the plane.
82
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:22,790
Okey-dokey.
83
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:24,290
Hey, Fay,
is, uh...
84
00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:26,290
Joe scheduled to take
the last flight today?
85
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,790
Yes. Why?
86
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:31,290
Well, it's chicks-drink-free
night at The Club Car. Heh.
87
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:32,800
Brian, why do you feel you need
88
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,300
to skank around The Club Car?
89
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:37,800
Why don't you take
that nice Joan out?
90
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,300
Joan? Yeah,
you know, she's--
91
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:40,800
She's okay, but--
92
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,810
I don't know, there's no--
There's no spark.
93
00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:44,310
Oh, what do you mean,
"there's no spark"?
94
00:03:44,310 --> 00:03:46,810
Spark. Spark. The thing
that makes you wanna--
95
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,310
How do I put this?
96
00:03:48,310 --> 00:03:50,310
--oil her up like a brand-new
catcher's mitt.
97
00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,820
Well, o-okay then.
Go to your Club Car.
98
00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:55,820
But I'm telling you,
the only thing you'll find there
99
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:59,820
is empty, shallow,
meaningless sex.
100
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,320
And men who don't
appreciate an older,
101
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,830
more experienced woman.
102
00:04:05,330 --> 00:04:07,830
So. So, Brian...
you, um--
103
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:10,330
You-- You gonna go to
The Club Car tonight?
104
00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:11,330
Yeah.
105
00:04:11,330 --> 00:04:12,840
Yeah, great.
Great.
106
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:13,840
Look, um...
107
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,340
how about if, uh,
we go together?
108
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,840
'Cause, uh...when
I go alone...
109
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:19,840
Yeah?
110
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,840
...I always strike out.
111
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,350
Well, by all means, let's--
112
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,850
Let's pool those
resources, huh?
( chuckles )
113
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:27,350
No, seriously, I'm--
114
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,850
Uh, it's my first
night out, you know,
115
00:04:28,850 --> 00:04:30,850
and I think it'd be better
if I just went by myself, okay?
116
00:04:30,850 --> 00:04:32,860
Brian, there's--
There's something you're--
117
00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:34,860
You're not telling me.
Isn't there?
118
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:36,860
I can take it.
119
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:37,860
Huh.
120
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:38,860
Okay.
121
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:39,860
Antonio...the fact is
122
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:41,860
that whenever
you're around women,
123
00:04:41,860 --> 00:04:44,370
you act...desperate
and pathetic.
124
00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:46,370
And that's why
they flee from you
125
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,370
like from a burning building.
126
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:56,380
You're mean.
Okay, all right.
127
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:58,880
Now, I'm sorry.
128
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,380
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
129
00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:02,890
Look, if you just promise
to play it a little cool,
130
00:05:02,890 --> 00:05:04,390
I'll meet you there
at 8, all right?
131
00:05:04,390 --> 00:05:05,890
Really? Really?
132
00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:06,890
Don't you worry.
133
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,890
I'll be way cool.
134
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:11,390
Huh. Okay.
135
00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:14,900
( upbeat theme playing )
136
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,400
( piano playing )
137
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,900
( exhales )
138
00:05:29,910 --> 00:05:31,410
Antonio?
139
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:33,920
The dancing: stop it.
140
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,920
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we just, uh...
141
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,920
make like we're having
a normal conversation.
142
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:41,920
You know, laugh
a little.
143
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,430
Why?
144
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:44,930
Because then, uh,
it'll look like
145
00:05:44,930 --> 00:05:46,930
we're tossing off
witty banter, you know?
146
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:47,930
( laughs )
147
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:49,430
Hey, good one, huh?
148
00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:50,930
( laughs ):
I got a million of them.
149
00:05:50,930 --> 00:05:51,930
Yeah.
150
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,940
Uh, Brian. Brian, uh...
What?
151
00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:57,440
Take-- Take--
Take a look here.
152
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,440
Oh-oh.
153
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,940
Yeah, she's
a spark.
154
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,450
Tell you what.
Tell you what we'll do.
155
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,950
We'll employ the old, uh,
good cop, bad cop.
156
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,450
Never fails.
157
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:08,450
Oh. Of course.
158
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:09,950
Why didn't I think of that?
159
00:06:09,950 --> 00:06:11,950
What is it?
160
00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:14,960
Well you, bad cop,
will go over
161
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,960
and give her some really
obnoxious pick-up line, right?
162
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Then I, the good cop,
will rescue her.
163
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
164
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,470
And then, uh,
Antonio ends up
165
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:26,470
in bed with her how?
166
00:06:29,970 --> 00:06:31,470
Uh, you don't.
167
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,480
Uh, you know, Brian,
168
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,480
i-in my country
there is an old saying:
169
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,980
Il mio amico,
muccia ca me.
170
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,480
Which means?
"Bite me."
171
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,980
All right.
172
00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:41,980
All right.
173
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,490
I'll bad cop
for you later, okay?
174
00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:46,490
( sighs ):
Okay, okay.
175
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:47,490
I'll do it.
176
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,490
Uh...what--
What do I say to her?
177
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:50,490
Oh, hell,
I don't know.
178
00:06:50,490 --> 00:06:53,000
Hey-- Use that line
that Roy always uses.
179
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,000
Ai. Okay.
180
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,000
Hello, there.
181
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,500
Hi.
Hi, hi. Hi.
182
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:02,010
Look, that-- That is such
a pretty dress.
183
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,010
Oh, thanks.
184
00:07:03,010 --> 00:07:04,510
It'll look great
in a ball
185
00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:06,510
next to my bed
in the morning.
186
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:08,510
( groans )
187
00:07:08,510 --> 00:07:09,510
You pig!
188
00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:11,010
Uh, excuse me,
miss.
189
00:07:11,010 --> 00:07:12,520
Uh, is this guy
bothering you?
190
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,020
Yes.
191
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:15,020
What the hell
is wrong with you,
192
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,520
you pathetic
little scuzzball?
193
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:18,520
Take it easy.
194
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,020
Shut up!
195
00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:22,530
Get out of my sight,
you lowlife.
196
00:07:22,530 --> 00:07:25,030
Guys like you
make me sick.
197
00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:28,530
You better bad-cop me
later, flyboy.
198
00:07:30,530 --> 00:07:31,530
Well...
Thanks.
199
00:07:31,530 --> 00:07:32,540
Ah, it's no problem.
200
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,040
Look, um, if he
bugs you anymore,
201
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,540
just give a shout.
202
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:38,040
Well, wait. Uh,
where are you going?
203
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,550
( clears throat )
204
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:47,050
Heh.
205
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,550
I heard what you said
to that girl.
206
00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:51,050
Oh. Oh-ho, no.
207
00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:52,050
Uh, y--
You don't understand.
208
00:07:52,050 --> 00:07:53,560
See? We--
209
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,560
It was just the good cop
and the bad cop.
210
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,060
Mm-hm.
See, it was
my friend's idea.
211
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,560
I don't care whose idea it was,
get out of here.
212
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,060
No, you don't
understand.
213
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:01,060
Come on!
214
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:02,060
Brian!
215
00:08:04,070 --> 00:08:05,070
Brian. B--
216
00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:09,070
So how come I haven't
seen you around here before?
217
00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:12,070
Uh, well, I've been living
in the Biosphere.
218
00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:13,080
Oh.
219
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,080
Uh, i-is that near Disney World?
220
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,080
No, the Biosphere is the, uh--
221
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,080
The-- The hydroponic, uh--
222
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,090
Forget it.
223
00:08:23,090 --> 00:08:24,590
( both laugh )
224
00:08:24,590 --> 00:08:25,590
Uh, what's your name?
225
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:26,590
Lisa.
Lisa.
226
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,090
Oh, oh, but next week
I'm changing it
227
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,590
to Sri Lisaji
when I convert to Hinduism.
228
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:32,600
Wow, you're-- You're converting?
What are you now?
229
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,600
Well, I'm the shampoo girl
down at Yankee Doodle Scissors.
230
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:37,600
( sighs )
231
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,100
Look, uh, I'll be
right back, okay?
232
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,610
Don't go nowhere.
233
00:08:42,610 --> 00:08:43,610
( water
pouring )
234
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,110
BARTENDER:
Hey, Brian.
235
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:46,110
What are you
doing here?
236
00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:47,610
I heard you were
practically married.
237
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,110
Oh. You kidding me?
238
00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:50,610
Be doing this
when I'm 60.
239
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:56,120
MAN:
Hey, cookie!
240
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,120
I'm Brian,
and you are gorgeous.
241
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,630
What say I buy you
a little drink, huh?
242
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,130
Okay. It's okay.
243
00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:08,630
The more you drink,
the better I look, huh?
244
00:09:08,630 --> 00:09:10,130
( laughs )
245
00:09:12,130 --> 00:09:14,640
Hey, there, sugar bumps.
246
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:15,640
You, uh...
247
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:16,640
wanna dance?
248
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:20,140
There's no music.
That's okay.
249
00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:22,140
I got the music in me!
250
00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:23,150
Huh?
251
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:25,150
Good. Keep it there.
252
00:09:25,150 --> 00:09:27,150
( chuckling ):
Ooh. Whew!
253
00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:31,650
Beer tender, mein usual.
254
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,160
( clicks tongue )
255
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,660
Hoo-aah!
256
00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:46,170
LISA:
Brian?
257
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,170
Brian.
258
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,170
Are you still
here?
259
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,170
Huh?
Huh?
260
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:50,170
Hi!
261
00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:51,170
Hi, hi.
Hi.
262
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:54,180
Uh...you know what, I--
I-I gotta go.
263
00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:55,180
Gotta go.
264
00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:56,180
Well, where are
you going?
265
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,680
Well, I just got a call
from the Biosphere.
266
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,180
Bed check in an hour.
267
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:08,190
( upbeat theme playing )
268
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:11,690
Oh, Lowell.
269
00:10:11,690 --> 00:10:13,700
How's your commencement
speech coming along?
270
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:14,700
Well, uh,
you know,
271
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,700
I'm just putting
the final touches on it.
272
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,200
But tell me what you think.
273
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:23,210
"So, in conclusion,
fellow Murray graduates,
274
00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:25,210
"always be proud
of your calling.
275
00:10:25,210 --> 00:10:28,210
"For what brought down
the Berlin Wall?
276
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,210
"Détente? No.
277
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:32,720
"Collapse of
the Eastern Bloc?
278
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,220
"I think not.
279
00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:37,220
"In the end, it was
just a bunch of guys
280
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,720
with really big hammers."
281
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:44,230
That's a unique insight, dear.
282
00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:47,730
Hey. Why do you think
I graduated Murray cum "loud"?
283
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,240
Hi.
284
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,240
Holy cow.
Your hair is--
285
00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:02,250
( laughing ):
Don't you just love it?
286
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,250
Oh, Casey.
287
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,750
You know...um...
288
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:08,750
( stutters )
289
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,760
Um, y--
You know, the little--
290
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,260
It's-- And sort of--
291
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:19,760
It's just really bad.
Oh.
292
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:20,760
I know.
293
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:21,760
I know.
294
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,770
I feel like suing
that awful place.
295
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,270
Well, why don't you
just head on down
296
00:11:25,270 --> 00:11:26,270
to Yankee Doodle Lawyers?
297
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:31,270
Um...
298
00:11:31,270 --> 00:11:32,270
( sighs )
299
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:34,280
Casey, I--
I'm really sorry.
300
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,280
I can't believe my salon
did that to you.
301
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,280
Heh. They didn't.
302
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,780
I was on my way to your place
when I passed this
303
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,780
classy-looking
little French salon.
304
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:43,290
Bevo's.
305
00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:46,290
I don't remember
a place named Bevo's
306
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,790
on the island.
307
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:48,790
Wait a second.
308
00:11:48,790 --> 00:11:50,290
Y-you don't mean Bevo's.
309
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:52,800
You mean my cousin Bevo's.
310
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,800
Hey. What an American
success story.
311
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,300
I mean, today
he owns a beauty salon,
312
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:01,800
yesterday he was shaving
dogs and cats for surgery.
313
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,310
( gasps )
314
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:10,310
Oh.
315
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,820
I went to a dog
groomer. Oh.
316
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:17,320
Oh, there, there, Casey.
It's not so bad.
317
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,820
Is there something
we can get for you?
318
00:12:19,820 --> 00:12:20,820
Water?
319
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:22,830
Aspirin?
320
00:12:22,830 --> 00:12:24,330
Snausage?
321
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:27,330
Oh, my God!
322
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:32,330
Oh, um--
323
00:12:32,330 --> 00:12:35,340
Look here's, um,
40 more dollars.
324
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:37,840
You go down to
Yankee Doodle's this time
325
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:38,840
and get it fixed.
326
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,850
Two months ago I had
a beautiful home on Nob Hill.
327
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:46,350
I was on the board
of the San Francisco Opera.
328
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:47,850
At our annual
dinner dance,
329
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,850
I even handed
Plácido Domingo
330
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:50,850
a quiche puff.
331
00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:52,860
And now look at me.
332
00:12:52,860 --> 00:12:54,860
I'm a Lhasa apso.
333
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:01,860
Whoever did this to you...
334
00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:02,870
I will kill them.
335
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:03,870
( wails )
336
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:09,370
Ah.
337
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:10,870
Brian, there you are.
There you are.
338
00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:12,880
Listen, um-- I--
339
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,880
I did the bad cop
for you last night,
340
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,880
so tonight you bad-cop
for me, right?
341
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,380
Let me tell you
something, Antonio.
342
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,380
I'm just sick and tired
343
00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:21,380
of all these little
bar games I'm playing,
344
00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:22,890
so I'll just have to
take a pass.
345
00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:24,390
Wait. No, no. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
346
00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:25,890
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no. No, see--
347
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:28,390
See, the game is
"good cop, bad cop," see.
348
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,890
Not "good cop,
off-duty cop."
349
00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:33,900
I'm sorry, Antonio.
350
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,900
Hey. You're sorry?
351
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:37,400
Yeah, you go home
with a beautiful blond,
352
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,900
I get head-butted
by a bouncer.
353
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:41,400
All right, if it makes you
feel any better,
354
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,910
I didn't go home with her.
355
00:13:42,910 --> 00:13:44,910
Oh. That makes me
feel better.
356
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:47,910
Yeah, a-a-a large man made me
cry like a girl for nothing.
357
00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:49,910
Wait. Hey,
wait, wait, wait.
358
00:13:49,910 --> 00:13:52,420
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
359
00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:54,420
You had a hot blond
all set to go,
360
00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:55,920
and you passed?
361
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:56,920
I know. I know.
I can't figure it out.
362
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,420
I mean,
why would I turn down
363
00:13:58,420 --> 00:13:59,920
a beautiful woman
like that?
364
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,420
I have no idea.
365
00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:03,930
But stop undressing me
with your eyes.
366
00:14:05,930 --> 00:14:07,930
Hey, Brian.
Oh, hey, Joan.
367
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,430
I got you something.
368
00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:10,430
Oh, wow!
The new X-Men comic.
369
00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:11,930
Uh, no.
370
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:13,940
Actually, that's for
my 8-year-old nephew.
371
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:14,940
Nah, go ahead,
take it.
372
00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:16,440
He's too old
for it anyway.
373
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:17,940
Ha.
374
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:18,940
Brian...
375
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:20,940
she likes you.
376
00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:22,450
Why don't you
take her out?
377
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,450
Uh, I don't know.
378
00:14:24,450 --> 00:14:25,450
Hey, I've always
thought
379
00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:26,950
y'all would be
great together.
380
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:27,950
Would you give
the guy a break?
381
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,450
He already knows
there's no spark.
382
00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:30,950
Spark.
383
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,460
See. Now, that is
the difference
384
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:33,960
between men
and women.
385
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:34,960
It's just like
they say.
386
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,460
Men fall in love
with the women
387
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,960
that they're
attracted to.
388
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,460
Where women are attracted
to the men that they love.
389
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:42,970
Where have I
heard that before?
390
00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:43,970
Oh, yeah.
391
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,470
I read it on the back
of a box of condoms.
392
00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:55,480
Brian...what I'm
trying to say is...
393
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:56,980
when a woman
meets a guy,
394
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,980
she could feel no
attraction whatsoever.
395
00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:00,980
In fact, she can be
completely turned off.
396
00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:03,490
But in time,
a spark can grow.
397
00:15:03,490 --> 00:15:04,990
I mean, look what happened
with Joe and me.
398
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:07,990
Wha-- What do you mean,
"turned off"?
399
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:09,490
You telling me
that you didn't have
400
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:10,490
a spark for me at first?
401
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:12,490
Well, did you have
a spark for me?
402
00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:14,000
Oh, come on, Helen.
You were a fat 11 year old.
403
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,000
The only sparks were
flying off your silverware.
404
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:26,010
All I am
saying is--
405
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:28,010
Is you have to
give it a chance.
406
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,010
Go out with her.
You know, see what happens.
407
00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:32,520
Maybe you can
grow a spark.
(Brian sighs )
408
00:15:32,510 --> 00:15:33,520
Well, I-- I hear
what you're saying
409
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,020
about Joan and all,
but I-I--
410
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,020
I just don't think so.
411
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,020
Uh, listen, Brian.
412
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,520
Look, uh, I-I-I'm gonna
swallow my pride
413
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,020
a-and give you
one more--
414
00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:43,030
One more shot.
415
00:15:43,030 --> 00:15:44,530
Okay. What do
you say?
416
00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:46,530
Tonight, you and me,
The Club Car.
417
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:47,530
It'll be great.
418
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:50,030
Look...I even got us
matching shades.
419
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,040
Joan!
420
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,040
Joan!
421
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,040
( lively theme playing )
422
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,550
Let's see.
Yes?
423
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:04,550
A movie that I'm
really ashamed I liked.
424
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:05,550
Right, go.
425
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:07,050
Uh, Billy Jack
Goes to Washington?
426
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:08,050
( groans )
( laughs )
427
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:09,550
Wow.
Okay, your turn.
428
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:10,550
Okay. Well, it's--
429
00:16:10,550 --> 00:16:12,050
It's gonna be
pretty hard to top. Um...
430
00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:13,060
( claps hands )
431
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:16,560
I w-- I would
have to say Mandingo.
432
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,560
Mandingo, starring, uh,
433
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,060
former heavyweight champ
Ken Norton.
434
00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:21,060
Although he was
fantastic in Yentl.
435
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,570
( laughs )
436
00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:26,070
Wow, you're-- You're the only
woman who ever laughed at that.
437
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:28,070
Maybe you've been hanging
around the wrong women.
438
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,570
Tsk. Maybe I have.
439
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,570
Brian, I'm really glad
we did this.
440
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:33,080
Me too.
441
00:16:35,580 --> 00:16:36,580
Ha.
442
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,590
Good night.
Good night.
443
00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:46,590
Absolutely sparkless.
444
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,600
( lively theme playing )
445
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:02,100
Hey-hey, Mather. How'd
that commencement speech go?
446
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,610
Well, um, they tell me
it went pretty good,
447
00:17:04,610 --> 00:17:06,610
but quite honestly
I don't remember.
448
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:08,110
Why not?
449
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,110
Well, I forgot
the old school tradition.
450
00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:13,620
When Murray says,
"Congratulations, graduates,"
451
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:15,620
they all throw their hammers
up in the air.
452
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,120
Why am I not surprised?
453
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:20,120
( chuckles )
454
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,620
You sure you're okay, Mather?
455
00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:23,130
No, I-I feel fine.
456
00:17:23,130 --> 00:17:26,130
Well, listen, um,
you seem to know my name.
457
00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:28,630
I-- I don't
know yours.
458
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,630
Well, let's keep it
that way.
459
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:33,640
Hi, Lowell.
460
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:34,640
Hey, Roy.
461
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,150
Hi.
Hey.
462
00:17:43,150 --> 00:17:44,150
So you went out
with Joan again.
463
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,150
How was it?
Ah. It was great.
464
00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:48,650
I haven't had that much fun
with a woman in years.
465
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:50,650
You know? She makes me laugh.
466
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:52,650
When we're together,
time flies.
467
00:17:52,650 --> 00:17:54,660
I tell you, Joe,
she is one in a million.
468
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:55,660
Still no spark, huh?
469
00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:57,660
Not a flicker.
470
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:58,660
( sighs )
471
00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,660
And it's a shame too,
472
00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:00,660
because I'll tell you,
473
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:02,160
on paper we are
perfect for each other.
474
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:03,670
Now...
475
00:18:03,670 --> 00:18:05,170
just gonna have to
break it off.
476
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:07,170
Well, that shouldn't
really be a problem.
477
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,170
Just, uh...
478
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,170
give her
excuse number nine.
479
00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:12,170
No. I don't wanna
do that to Joan.
480
00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:13,680
I wanna be completely
honest with her.
481
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,680
I thought number nine
was honesty.
482
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,180
No, 11's honesty.
483
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:21,680
Nine has something to do with
that flesh-eating bacteria.
484
00:18:25,190 --> 00:18:26,190
Oh, hey, Brian.
BRIAN: Hey.
485
00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:27,690
How'd it go with
Joan last night?
486
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,690
Great. Fantastic.
Couldn't have been better.
487
00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:30,690
Gonna dump her, aren't you?
488
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:32,190
How does she know?
489
00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:33,700
She's a witch.
490
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,200
Tsk. Brian, I'm
telling you.
491
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,700
You're giving up too soon.
492
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,200
You gotta give it
a little more time.
493
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,200
Hey, I did.
494
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,200
I gave it two dates.
495
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,210
I even met her parents.
496
00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,710
Tiny spark
with the mother, but, uh--
497
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:47,710
What am I supposed to do?
498
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,710
Well...uh,
trust me,
499
00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:51,210
two dates
is not enough.
500
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:52,720
And if I would've given
your brother here
501
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:54,220
only two dates,
502
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,220
I would've dropped him
after I saw him fast dance.
503
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,720
Uh, naw, what the hell?
504
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,220
Give it one more date.
505
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:04,230
Uh, listen, there's
a phone call out here.
506
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:05,730
Which one of you
is Helen?
507
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:10,230
( lively theme playing )
508
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,740
( piano playing )
509
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,740
Right. Uh, are you sure
you're up to this, Lowell?
510
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:24,750
Oh. Absolutely.
Antonio, right?
511
00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:26,750
Right.
512
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,250
Look. You-- You remember
what to do,
513
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:30,750
or do you want me
to explain it all again?
514
00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:32,250
No, no. No.
No, no, no, no.
515
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:33,260
I got it.
516
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:35,260
I'm bad cop.
517
00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:37,260
Exactly. Exactly.
518
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,260
Ooh. Ooh. There's a
good one.
519
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:41,760
Okay. Now. You know
what to say.
520
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:42,760
Yeah.
No, I got you.
521
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:43,770
I got you.
522
00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:46,270
( sighs )
523
00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:47,270
Hi.
524
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,770
Hi.
Hi. Yeah.
525
00:19:49,770 --> 00:19:51,270
That's a really
pretty outfit.
526
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:53,280
Well, thank you.
527
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:54,780
It's gonna look really great
528
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:57,280
in a ball next to my bed
in the morning.
529
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,780
( laughs )
530
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:01,780
You know, I like a man
who's direct.
531
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:05,790
Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me, miss.
532
00:20:05,790 --> 00:20:07,290
I-is this man
bothering you?
533
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,290
Not at all.
534
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,290
Of course he is.
535
00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:12,800
Look, you pathetic
little scuzzball.
536
00:20:12,790 --> 00:20:14,800
What are you--?
What are you--?
Shut up!
537
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:15,800
The lady wants no part...
538
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,300
Hey!
539
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:19,300
He's not bothering me.
You are.
540
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:20,300
Is there
a problem he--?
541
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,810
Oh, no.
542
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:25,310
Not you again!
God.
543
00:20:25,310 --> 00:20:26,310
Look. Look, I-I--
544
00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:27,310
I know what
you're thinking.
545
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,310
No, look.
See, heh, you don't under--
546
00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:32,820
Tonight I'm the good cop.
Come on.
547
00:20:32,810 --> 00:20:34,320
Come on, I told you
yesterday
548
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,820
I don't wanna see you
around here.
No!
549
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:38,820
( lively theme playing )
550
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:43,330
All right.
551
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:44,330
Thanks a lot
for dinner, Brian.
552
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,830
Hey, it was
my pleasure. Hm.
553
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:47,830
This has been great.
554
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:50,830
Listen...
555
00:20:50,830 --> 00:20:53,840
if you're not doing
anything on Sunday...
556
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,840
my mom's having
a dinner party.
557
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,340
And I know she'd just love it
if you could be there.
558
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,840
Really? Your mom?
559
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,840
Uh...
560
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:03,850
No, I-- I--
561
00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:05,850
( sighs )
I can't.
562
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:07,350
Joan...
563
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:09,850
I really like you...but...
564
00:21:09,850 --> 00:21:11,350
Uh-oh.
565
00:21:11,350 --> 00:21:12,860
You're breaking up
with me, aren't you?
566
00:21:12,850 --> 00:21:13,860
Yeah, see, but I-I--
567
00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:16,360
I just don't feel that there's--
568
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,860
I don't know how to put this
without hurting your feelings.
569
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:20,360
I-- I just don't feel
570
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:21,360
like there's any...
571
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,370
spark.
572
00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:26,370
Well-- I guess
I'm really disappointed
573
00:21:26,370 --> 00:21:27,870
to hear that, Brian.
574
00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:29,370
I thought we had
something.
575
00:21:29,370 --> 00:21:31,370
I know. I'm sorry.
576
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:33,380
Well, at least
you're honest.
577
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,380
Good night.
Okay.
578
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:39,380
Good night.
Bye.
579
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:01,400
Wow!
Wow!
580
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:02,400
Yeah.
581
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,910
You know, you're
absolutely right.
582
00:22:03,910 --> 00:22:05,910
There is no spark at all.
Well, good night.
583
00:22:05,910 --> 00:22:06,910
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
584
00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,410
But-- But--
( door closes )
585
00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:10,410
No, no, no, no, no.
But-- But, uh-- Um...
586
00:22:10,410 --> 00:22:11,410
Um...
587
00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:17,920
Oh, hello there, cookie.
588
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:18,920
Hey.
589
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,420
I know what you're thinking.
590
00:22:20,420 --> 00:22:22,420
How come this guy
is still single?
591
00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:24,430
Well, I'll tell you
the God's-honest truth:
592
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:28,430
'Cause I've been waiting
for you, babycakes.
593
00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:29,430
Say, uh...
594
00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:30,930
it's nearly 4:30.
595
00:22:30,930 --> 00:22:32,430
What do you say
you and I split a--
596
00:22:32,430 --> 00:22:34,440
An early-bird dinner,
huh? Heh.
597
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,440
Go to my house
for some demitasse.
598
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,940
Hey. Where
you going?
599
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:40,940
Nice caboose.
600
00:22:40,940 --> 00:22:41,940
( chuckles )
40122
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