All language subtitles for The.War.of.the.Roses.1989

You have some valid reasons
for wanting a divorce.

Excuse me.

My sinuses are very
sensitive to irritants.

Mmm.

In the past five months,

I think I've breathed freely
with both sides working

maybe a week, total.

I got to cut this out.

It's going to kill me.

I hadn't smoked
for 13 years.

I kept the last cigarette
from my last pack.

I said, "If I never smoke
this one cigarette,

"I'll never smoke again.
Period."

13 years
I kept that cigarette.

Here.

I had this little case
made for it.

See?

13 years,

and then,
one Thursday afternoon,

Barbara came to see me.

And when she left...

You know where I am
if you change your mind.

Barbara and Oliver Rose.

You'd have heard of them,

except I kept what happened
out of the papers.

I think you should
hear the story, though.

It might matter to you.

I won't start
the clock yet.

My fee is $450 an hour.

When a man
who makes $450 an hour

wants to tell you
something for free,

you should listen.

They met great.

They agreed on that.

But the way I saw it,

the poor bastards
never had a chance.

It was the final day
of the season in Nantucket.

A nor'easter was blowing
the last of the tourists

off the island.

The next item up for bid

is an exquisite
Japanese carving,

circa 1700,

a rare relief
of a Shinto goddess

very richly detailed.

The intricacy of...

$10.

I have $10 from the
premature young man

in the gray raincoat.

Do I hear 15?

11.

$11. Ladies and gentlemen,
please, do I hear 15?

20.

$20!

$20. I have $20,
ladies and gentlemen.

Do I hear 25 for this
exceptionally exotic item?

$30.

31.

$31. All right, I have $31,
ladies and gentlemen.

Is this my final offer?

Ladies and gentlemen,
31 going once...

$40.

$40! 40.
Do I hear 45?

50. 5-0.

$50! I have $50.
Do I hear 60?

$50 going once,

going twice...

Sold,

to the pretty lady
in the white sweater.

You know how much
it's worth?

It doesn't matter because
I'm not going to sell it.

$250.

Well, I guess
I have a good eye.

I got to catch
the last ferry.

Wait a minute. Let me
carry that for you.

Here. Put this on.

Oh! Thanks.

I love the rain.

I love it, too.

I know what you're thinking,
"Harvard Law. Woo, woo, woo."

But I got a scholarship.

I'm not rich or anything.

Brilliant.
What about you?

I'm not rich or brilliant.

Where are you
going to school?

Madison. I got a scholarship,
too, gymnastics.

I don't know, though.
My body's getting kind of big.

It looks, um...

Well, you see,
it's like a pendulum.

The longer it is,
the slower you move.

Now my vaults and my tumbling
just aren't what they used to be.

My strength moves
are still good.

Your strength moves?

I love Nantucket.

Oh, I'm going to
miss the ferry.

Thanks for
walking me. Bye.

Wait a minute.
What's your name?

Barbara.

Barbara!

Wait a second.
I've got a great idea.

Uh! Oh! Uh!

Oh! Uh! Whoa!

Oh! Oh!

Uh, uh, uh.

Uh. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Oh. Oh.

Never, never,
never apologize

for being multiorgasmic.

I honestly
didn't know I was.

Oh, bless you.

Bless you.

Oh, bless you.

Uh.

If we end up together,

then this is the most romantic
day of my whole life,

and if we don't,

then I'm a complete slut.

This is a story

we're going to tell
our grandchildren.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

Ha ha ha!

Uh-oh.

It's the return
of the Bald Avenger.

...a merry Christmas
and a happy new year

We wish you
a merry Christmas

From Sesame Street

OK. That's the sixth time.
Now, turn it off, honey.

Merry Christmas, Bert.

Oh...

Daddy. Daddy.

Honey, give me
those papers.

Say please.

Please.

No.

Up in there
behind the party.

Where are they?

I don't got.

Nice try.

Thanks.

Ah-ha ha!

Uhhh!

Vroom!

Hello!

Mom's home.

Get over here.

I owe you a squeezie.

Ooh! Up we go.

Come on, you.

Grr.

All right.

Hi, honey.

Yeah. Now,
you go in that chair.

Got it?

Well, you're going to
go in this one right here.

Uh! Hey. Ohh!

I got you...

That's for me?

It's green for you.

Oh, thanks.

And it's red for you.

I really don't think
it's such a good idea

to give them
sweets like that.

No. It is.

Actually, I read that
kids who are deprived

of sweets and candies
all the time,

they get obsessed by it,

and they turn out
to be obese.

But the little kids
who get it all the time,

it's no big deal,
and they turn out normal.

And here.

Being a waitress
on Christmas Eve

is very profitable.

What do you think, guys?

Nice.

OK.

What do you think?

Mmm...

Looks like tinfoil.

Oh, you're right.
It doesn't make it.

I'll learn.

What do you say
we go for a walk?

I got to finish
this brief.

Oh, just a quick stroll.
Come on. Please.

It's freezing outside.
It's snowing.

Yes, and I'm still asking you
to take a walk. Why? Huh?

Where are we going?

Just to the corner.

Barbara, I have work to do.

I can't be walking
around here in the snow.

Ahh.

OK, we're at the corner.

So what do you want
to do now, walk back?

No. I want to go
for a ride in your car.

I don't have a car...

You got me a Morgan?

Yes.

Oh ho ho!

I don't believe it!
A Morgan!

A Morgan.

The cook's brother
brought it over from England.

It's got
a little bit of rust.

We'll do some work on it.

How much did you
pay for it?

It's a Christmas present.
I used my money.

Your money's our money.
Can we afford this?

You are going to be
such a huge success.

This may be our last opportunity
to worry about spending money.

Come on, here.
Get in.

It's a right-hand drive.

Well, are you happy?

I'm more than happy.
I'm way past happy.

I'm married.

Ha ha ha!

Sounds like a fairy tale,
doesn't it?

And it was.

My father used to say,

"There are four things that
tell the world who a man is,

"his house, his car,
his wife, and his shoes."

Oliver didn't have
the house yet,

but he was definitely
moving up in the world.

He'd only been
with the firm six months

when he decided to have
the senior partners over

to his new apartment
for dinner.

He had his eye
on the future.

So did I.

Pretty lady
lovely lady

Hmm hmm hmm hmm

May I have
this dance with you?

Ah, what a night!

Elke, Elke,
wait a minute.

We're eating with
elderly people now.

Keep that closed.

Where you been?
Come on up.

Oliver, this is Elke.
Elke, this is Oliver.

Hi.

Come on. Come on.

Here is to Oliver
and Gavin

for a job well done on
Kentucky v. Brunswick Coal.

Hear, hear.

Hell of a litigation.

Thank you.

I couldn't have done it
without you, Oliver.

This man has a face juries
can't help but believe.

Gavin told
the state attorney general

that if he didn't settle,

the next election he'd
be running as a gelding.

Well, let's drink up.

Ah, yes.

Good night, Mom.

Oh, good night,
sweethearts.

Um, Mom...

Yeah?

Can I take some more
dessert to our room?

OK, time for bed.
Let's go.

Guess not.

Kiss.

Kiss Daddy.

Good night,
sweetheart.

Good night.

Good night, buddy.

Good night, Dad.

Sleep well.

I used to be chubby
as a kid. Yeah.

Let's eat.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Mmmm.

Oh, my!

Whatever flavor is this?

No, don't tell me. Uh...

Let me think, now.
Ummm...

It isn't apples.

You make something with
apples, don't you, dear?

No, unless you mean
baked apples.

Prunes?

No. Wait a minute.
Um...

This is
a very special taste.

Raisins!

It isn't pears.

Um...

Um, fresh fig with, uh,
a little cognac.

Figs?

I never would have
thought of figs.

I never would have guessed.

Mmmm.

It's fantastic,
isn't it, Elke?

Mm-hmm.

It's absolutely
spectacular.

Mrs. Marshall,
more wine?

Please.

Your crystal
is lovely.

Thank you.

It's not Waterford.

Baccarat.

Then we are paying
our associates too much.

Actually, we got it
quite reasonably.

It's, uh, it's kind of
an interesting story.

Why don't you tell it, Barb?

Well, we were in Paris...

It was our
fifth anniversary.

We'd just had lunch in this
wonderful little place

in the market district
called the Pas de Cochon.

Pied de Cochon.

Thanks. We were
wandering around,

and we came upon

the Rue de Paradis

where the Baccarat
has its factory and museum.

Of course I didn't know
anything about this

before I met Oliver.

I mean, my mother bought
her glasses at the A&P.

You know, the kind
with the raised flowers

that always chipped off
after a couple weeks,

and they were always
yellow, too, remember?

Heh heh heh.

Anyway, here we were
in this immense room

filled with everything
Baccarat had ever made.

A field of crystal.

It was so, so pretty.

I mean, I felt...

Whatever the word.

And suddenly,
from the next room,

we heard the sound
of glass breaking.

Well, I looked at Oliver,

and Oliver looked at me,
and then... Oh. Ye... No.

Well, before that, there was
this big black limousine

out on the street...
Now, this is important.

Well, actually,
before the limousine...

To make a long story short,

a wealthy French couple
had ordered a special design

for their anniversary.

By the time it was ready,
they were getting a divorce.

The woman
had smashed her half,

and I convinced the man
to sell us his half cheap

just to spite her.

Heh heh heh heh!

And, uh,
that's our Baccarat story.

I think everybody
had a great time,

don't you?

To make a long
story short, no.

I'm sorry. You were
just rambling on.

Well, then, tell
your own story next time.

You care so desperately
what everybody thinks,

fuck face.

They're my bosses.

They're Gavin's bosses, too.

It didn't stop him from getting
a foot job all through dinner.

Gavin doesn't care about
making partner.

He doesn't have
a wife and kids.

I do.

You want to keep living
in this apartment?

Because you do not
buy a house

on an associate's salary.

At least not the kind
of house that we want.

OK, I care
what they think.

I care, all right?
I care.

Shoot me.

And that phony laugh.

"Heh heh heh heh."

That was a genuine laugh.

Heh heh heh heh.

OK, all right, all right.
Maybe I overdid it.

I was just trying to
keep things going.

God. I hope they didn't
notice what a jerk I am.

They never seem to.

"Dear homeowner,

"I love your house!

"If you ever
consider selling,

"please contact me.

"Barbara Rose."

Mom! I'm going to
be late for practice!

You've been doing
this for a year,

and nobody's called.

This is a great house.

I love this house.

It's a waste of time!

I'll bet I get this house.

Five bucks.

Five bucks.

Man...

Hello.

Oh, I was just
leaving a note.

How kind.

Please, won't you come in?

All right.

Oh...

I don't believe we've met.

Barbara Rose.

I'm Maureen.

I don't remember
Mother mentioning you,

but she had
so many friends.

Oh...

Oh, I'm very sorry.

Thank you.
She went peacefully.

What am I going to do
with this old place?

I just can't bear
to put it up for sale

and have a bunch of strangers
tromping through it.

If I could just
find someone

who would love it
as much as Mom did.

It's more important to me

than whatever money
we get for it.

If you hear of anybody
who might...

Can we go up
and pick our rooms?

We can do whatever we want.
This is our house.

Who gets the first pick?

Oh, don't get scared.

We'll do it together.

I just feel
kind of strange.

I mean, this house
is so beautiful,

and we live here.

Is this who we are?

This is me?

I'll be home early.

Where are you going?

To work.
I wish I didn't have to,

but somebody's
got to pay for all this.

It's Saturday.

Come on.
This is a great day.

You've got the fun part.

Kitchen first.

Everything was working
for the Roses.

Let me restate that.

The Roses were working
for everything.

Over the next six years,

Oliver dug in,
made senior partner.

The kids lopped off
70, 80 pounds,

and Barbara labored
seven days a week

to create the perfect home

that Oliver
always dreamed of...

Not easy for a girl
who grew up drinking her milk

from glasses
with chipped yellow flowers.

There were a million choices,

and she sweated
every one of them.

She refinished
all the tables herself.

It took six months to get
the floors exactly right,

100 Sundays to find

the perfect Staffordshire
figures and plates

that she put
over the fireplace.

When you work that hard
on something,

eventually,
you have to finish

and face
the awful question...

What's left to do?

Continuous...

Excuse me.
You working?

Yes. Is it important?

Yes, kind of.
I hope so.

Stephanie Maze called

to say thank you for
dinner the other night.

Yeah?

She said the pate
I made was so good,

I should think about
going into business.

Uh-huh.

So I asked her
if she really meant it,

and she said she did,

so I took a pound over to
her and collected $35.

I'd almost forgotten what
it felt like to make money.

You sold liver
to our friends?

She paid me in cash, Oliver.

Somehow that felt different

from the money I get
cashing a check.

It made me feel like
trading in the Volvo

on one of those
four-wheel drive things

with big knobby tires
and the 200-horsepower engine.

So I did. I'm going to
pick it up tomorrow.

Thank you so much
for telling me.

Uh, and you think
that you need this?

I mean, the Volvo
is a fine car.

I'll pay for it
with my own money.

How much does it cost?

I know it was kind of crazy,

but I just wanted it, OK?

25,000.

So you only have to sell
700 more pounds of pate.

Maybe I will.

Maybe I'm starting
a business.

But if you don't
want me to, I...

No, no, no, no, no.
You do it.

Do it. Do it.

I'm doing it.

Wait a minute.
Wait one minute, here.

I do not understand
what's the attitude.

I told you
I would handle it.

That's right, and when I
didn't see anything happening,

I went ahead,
and I set up the interview.

I would have done it.

I know, but sometimes
you need a little push.

We all need a little push.

We agreed that if you were
going to do this liver bit,

we would need someone to take
care of the house full-time,

right?

Right, Oliver.
Right again.

Oh, come on.
Let's not argue, OK?

Just think about it
for a minute!

If you don't want
to interview the lady,

I will send her home.

I'm only trying
to make your life easier.

Somehow the thought of a
stranger living in my house

just seems weird,
you know?

Doesn't it?

I don't mean just for us,
but for you, too.

Oh, but, then, I guess
you do this all the time.

Oh, no. I try this as a means
of finding room and board

and a little money.

I'm also attending a few classes
at William and Mary College,

but that won't interfere
with my duties.

Oh, that's great.
I'm happy for you, really.

So do I get the job?

The fact is, Susan,
I don't need a live-in.

This was my
husband's suggestion.

I mean, I have raised
two kids on my own,

and now they're about
to go off to college.

They were both
accepted at Harvard.

Mmm. That's
a nice school, too.

Thanks.

So anyway, it will just be
Oliver and me here at home

although I am getting going
my own catering business.

But let's face it.

I don't need to work,
not for the money,

and that does not
necessarily make me

one of these women who's
married to a successful man

and has dedicated her life
to him and her children,

and then finds
herself desperately trying

to validate
herself as a human being

because her children
are about to leave her

by studying photography
or opening an art gallery

or going into interior design
with her husband's office, no.

I mean,
I have a wonderful house

crammed with beautiful things.

I did this house myself.
I did a great job...

Not that I'm necessarily
a slave to materialism, no,

but I am proud of what
I have accomplished,

although, I suppose,

some people would find
my life disgusting.

No. Disgusting
is too strong a word.

No. I would not say

that many people would respect
the choices that I have made

although women would,
women like me.

But, then, I don't care
what they think

because I can't stand
who they are.

What I'm trying
to say, Susan,

is that I don't
need a live-in.

Well, thanks for the
interview and good luck

and God bless you.

I would like you to understand
that if I were to hire you,

my life would
probably change.

You would be this new element
in the house, you see?

Well...

Let me show you
where your room is.

Hey.

Hey, Bennie.
Dumb dog.

Here, boy.

Bennie. Come on. Let's see
if he'll go for it again.

Bennie.

Hiya!

Yeah. Dumb.

Oh, the Bennie boy.

The Bennie, Bennie,
Bennie boy.

Yes, he's the best boy.
He's the best boy.

We love our little boy.
Oh, he's a good boy.

He's a Bennie boy.
We love our Bennie boy.

Yes, he's a pretty dog.

Rose residence.

Susan, is that for me?

It's for Josh.

Are you expecting a call?

Jason Larrabee said he'd call
to confirm lunch tomorrow.

I'm trying to land him
as a client.

The word around town is
he's up for a cabinet post.

I wish he'd call.

He will.

Listen, did you get a chance to
look over that contract for me?

What contract?

On the concert luncheon
I'm doing.

Oh, yeah.

No, but I'll read
it this weekend.

OK.

No. No, not OK.

I have to sign it tomorrow, which
is why I gave it to you last week,

but it's probably fine.

Well, I'll read it now.

Oh, no, don't bother.

No. Get it.

Sure.

What? What is it?

It's a fly.
Where'd it go?

On the fridge.

Stay upwind of him.

Aha! How about that?

Not bad, huh?

I admire your technique.

Hello?
Oh, Mr. Larrabee.

Hi. How are you?
No, no, it's not too late.

Can you hang on
just one second

while I use the other phone?
Thank you.

Yes, sir. I'm looking forward
to that, too, myself.

No, no. Of course
you're not bothering me.

Lawyers, we never sleep.

You know, I'm available
to you, sir, 24 hours a...

Who left all the appliances
on in the kitchen?

It sounds like who-knows-what
going on down there.

I must have hit a couple of
switches when I was cleaning up.

You know
how that can happen.

I got great news.

Lunch is on tomorrow
with Larrabee.

I'm going to meet him
at his club in Philadelphia.

He's mine.

Look how crazy you are
about yourself right now.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize.

I kind of live
with the assumption

that all guys
owe an apology

to the women
that they live with.

Oh, you're so full of shit.

So where's that
little contract of yours?

Maybe I can
up your price, huh?

Where is it?

I'm sure it's all right.

My fee's going up.

Better get me
while you can afford me.

I don't want you
to read it.

Let me have it.

Now I got you,

and I'm not going to let you get away.

Uh! Let me go.

Let me go. Uh!

Let go of me. Let go.
Uh! Uh!

Oh. Oh.

Oh, Jesus.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Mmm.

You think you're
pretty strong, don't you?

What the hell
is wrong with you?

If you're with a woman
for any length of time,

eventually you'll
ask her that question.

If she doesn't answer,
that's trouble,

and when trouble begins,

it comes at you from
directions you'd never expect.

Oliver was a sitting duck.

I think you're going to be
very well served by our firm,

especially if the rumors
around town are true.

Well, there may be
a Senate confirmation hearing

in my future.

We could definitely
be of help with that.

Yes. Waiter?
Uh! Ooh!

What's the matter?

Nothing, I'm fine.

Could I have some
more coffee, please?

Certainly, sir.

Regarding
your Senate confirmation,

it may not be a bad idea

for us to have your personal
asset liability state...

Oh. Ooh.

Oliver?

Do you think you're
having a heart attack?

Uh!

Call an ambulance.

Wipe that stuff
off his chin, Heath.

Hang in there, Oliver.

Call my wife.

You're doing just fine.

Somebody called down
for the defibrillator.

Right here.

Gerald, you're
going to take it?

How's it going?

You may be the only person
I'm doing better than.

My wife stabbed me
in the stomach.

With a nail file this time.

She's training to be
a manicurist.

They make good money,
you know.

I'm trying to get
a doctor for you, baby.

They always feel bad
after it.

Mr. Rose?

I'm Dr. Gordon.
This is my associate.

Dr. Hillerman.
Jason Larrabee called us in.

How are his vital signs?

We were here first.

We'll be with you
in just a moment.

Madge, take it easy.

Can't you see the guy's
dying over here?

Did someone
call my wife?

Yes.

I need to
write her a note

in case she doesn't
get here in time.

Let's get him to C.I.C.U.

I'll get the pen back
once we get up there.

Is my wife here?

I don't think so.

Get me some pictures,
upper G. I.

You're going to have to
swallow some barium,

but you'll like it.
It's peppermint flavored.

I don't think that
there's anything

more important
than the hors d'oeuvres.

That's where people will make
their first judgment of the food.

There's an urgent
phone call for you.

Oh.

Hello?

Oh, God.
Oh, my God.

All right. All right.
I'm leaving right now.

My husband's had
a heart attack.

Oh, that happens
to my mother like this.

Don't worry.

Your luncheon's going
to be terrific.

I promise. Everything's
just going to be great.

The X-rays turned up
an esophageal tear,

commonly known
as a hiatal hernia,

right there.

The pain symptoms are
almost identical to angina.

Stress, coffee,
spicy foods, gas.

Your nerve endings
get irritated,

and, well, you know
what that feels like...

Not pleasant,
but not fatal.

Could you get
this hiatal hernia,

say, by being squeezed
between someone's legs?

No.

So I'm not
going to die?

Eventually,
but not today.

Ha ha ha!

Thank you.

You can wait right here.

Thank you.

Oliver, you're alive.

Yeah, it was something else.

It wasn't the heart.
It was a rip, a tear.

You're alive!

Yeah.

So what are
you going to do?

I'm waiting for Barbara
to pick me up.

I'll wait with you.

Good.

OK. Think we can get
that nurse to come back here

with a bottle of musk oil?

Ha ha ha!

She should be here
any minute.

Yeah.

Stuffy in these places.

I got us enough booze
for the whole trip.

Thanks.

I couldn't remember
whether you wanted a twist

or you didn't want a twist,

so I got you some
just in case.

Thank you, Gavin.

Salut.

All those lives
going on out there,

people we'll never meet,

experiencing things
we'll never know.

We can't know.

In your own life,
by this point,

you think you know
what's gonna be, but,

you don't know.

You don't know.

It's always just when you
think you got it figured out,

when, bingo,
something comes along

and knocks you
right on your ass.

Why do you think Barbara
didn't come to the hospital?

I don't know.

She probably
had a good reason.

How you doing?

Come here, sweetheart.

Where is everybody, huh?

I guess you're the only one

who gives a damn
about me in this family.

Oliver, you don't know
how happy I am to see you.

Oh.

You didn't come
to the hospital.

No. No. Well, I called,

and, well, everything
seemed to be under control.

I just...
I didn't want to disturb you.

Disturb me?

Well, I wasn't doing much,
just dying.

Oliver, you weren't dying.

You didn't even call.

Of course I did. I called.
I talked to someone.

Not to me.

Well, I talked to a nurse,

and she said that
you weren't dying.

Well, I thought
I was dying.

I wrote you a note

in case you didn't
get there in time.

I can't read your handwriting.

I was on a gurney being
rushed to intensive care

under excruciating pain.

It says...

"My love, by the time
you receive this,

"I may be gone.

"My life was..." Fun?

"...full beyond my dreams.

"All I have and all I am,
I owe to you.

"You gave me courage
to surpass what I know I am,

"the strength to..."

Oh, this is where
I had a spasm, yeah.

I can't read it,
but the next line says,

"I lie here,
feeling my life ebb away,

"and I cling to your image.

"I will take you with me
to eternity.

"I cherish you.

"I thank merciful God
for you."

I didn't have
the strength to sign it.

Well, I'm sure

they would have told me
who it was from.

I can't believe you didn't
call us at school, Mother.

I didn't see any point
in alarming you

until there was something
to be alarmed about.

Your mother didn't want
to disturb anybody today.

Yeah, well, you still
should have called.

You should have.

I'm sure your mother

didn't want
to worry you needlessly.

The important thing is,
your father is alive.

We've always been a
family that communicated.

If anything
important happens,

everyone should
know about it.

That's the rule.

Only you

Can make all
this world seem right

Only you
and you alone

Can thrill me
like you do

And fill my heart
with love

For only you

Only you...

What's going on?
What?

I'm very upset.

It's 3:00
in the morning.

Turn the television off.

I wasn't exactly sure why I
didn't go to the hospital,

but now I think I know.

I'd just like to put today
behind us, OK?

OK.

I was going to
drive to the hospital,

but I knew you were OK

because I never think
anything really terrible

could happen to me
or the kids or you,

and I was getting
on the expressway,

and suddenly I had
this very strong feeling

that you were dead.

And I knew what it would feel
like to be alone in this house,

to not have you in my life,

and I got so scared,
I had to pull over.

Oh.

You don't have to
be scared anymore.

I got scared
because I felt happy.

You were happy
because I was dead?

I was happy to be free,

like a weight
had been lifted.

Like a weight
had been lifted?

Yeah.

So how am I
supposed to respond?

You tell me
you wished I was dead?

I thought
it was important.

I think you owe me
an apology, Barbara.

If you have something to say,
I'd like to hear it.

I want a divorce.

No, you don't.

You can't have one.

I've thought
about this a lot.

I really don't want to be
married to you anymore.

Why do you
want a divorce?

Did I do something?
Did I not do something?

I can't give you
specifics, Oliver.

Well, try!

I don't want to try!

Is there somebody else?
Another man?

No.

A woman?

You wish.

I mean, I should be the one
trying to get the divorce.

I'm the one rushed
to the hospital

suffering from
this severe...

Indigestion.

You're such an
expert, aren't you?

Making me look like a jerk.

OK. OK, I'm sorry.

I'm the bad person.
Let's just blame me for this.

No. No. I think I need...
I think you owe me,

after this many pretty god
damn good years of marriage,

a solid reason.

I work my ass off
to make enough money

to provide you
with a good life,

and you owe me a reason
that makes sense,

so let's hear it.

Come on. Let's hear it.
Let's hear it!

Because,

when I watch you eat,
when I see you asleep,

when I look at you lately,

I just want to
smash your face in.

Come on.
Smash my face.

Come on. You want
to smash my face?

Next time, I hit back.

And you'd better get yourself
a damn good lawyer.

The best your money can buy.

What does she want?

Child support.

I've always taken
care of my kids.

And they will be 18
in one year,

which makes it nice for you.

What about alimony?

Barbara, against my advice,

waives alimony.

I'm making money
with my business.

I'm getting a lot
of referrals.

I can support myself.

I'm a lucky guy.

My client is being
more than fair, Mr. Rose.

She's waived alimony.

She's willing to
waive her rights

against your law practice

in exchange for the house
and all of its contents

except your shaving
gear and...

His clothing?

Everything I made
went into that house.

I found that house.

Every piece of furniture
is where it is

because I decided
to put it there.

That is my house.

If your client
has finished yammering,

you should explain
to her that a wife

does not automatically
get the house.

I thought you told her
that she was entitled

to anything and everything.

I told her what?

Yes. Here it is.

I quote. "My love,

"by the time you..."
Boy, what a handwriting.

"By the time
you receive this,

"I may be gone."

Uh, blah, blah, blah.

"All I am and all I have
I owe to you."

You wrote this, Mr. Rose?

Excuse me, Mr. Thurmont,

you tiny, little, wormlike,
infinitesimal prick,

could I have a word
with my wife, please?

Certainly.

If this is a
who-can-sink-lowest-fastest contest,

you won.

By showing him my letter,

you have sunk below the deepest
layer of prehistoric frog shit

at the bottom
of a New Jersey scum swamp.

I may have let you
have the house,

but now you'll never get it.

You will never
get that house.

Do you understand?

You will never
get that house.

We'll see.

Yeah. We'll see.

Maybe I shouldn't have
let you see that letter.

Oh, dear girl,

by the time this
is all over,

you'll think of today as one
of your lighter moments.

What do you call
500 lawyers

at the bottom
of the ocean?

An excellent start.

I used to resent
jokes like that.

Now I see them
as simple truths.

Lawyers...

Hello?

Honey, I can't talk right now.
I'm with a client.

Love you. Miss you.
Want you.

Bye.

I recently married.

Which is the last thing
I ever thought I'd do

after what happened
to the Roses.

When it comes to women,

I hope I'm a better man
now than I was.

I know I'm a better lawyer

when it comes to divorce.

I'll never make another mistake
like I made with Oliver.

Let's just concentrate
on the job at hand.

She wants the house.
You want the house.

I mean, she's not
being inconvenienced.

I'm the one who's
living in a hotel room.

Not for long.

She claims
she found the house.

She did find the house. Right?

Yes, she did,
but that's not the point.

She said she
made it what it is.

She didn't.

Look, I'm not keeping score,
but if I were keeping score,

it'd be about 83
to 6, my favor.

All the really good stuff,

those wonderful
Staffordshire dogs...

In fact, most of
the Staffordshires I found.

And that Art Deco rug,

and even that gray stove
in the kitchen.

She never would have bought
it if I hadn't pushed her.

Uh-huh.

Shoes. That's what
she's good at buying.

I got to have shelves
put in the closet,

or she'd have the god damn
things shoved all over.

Here we go.
You're going to love this.

Civil code title 16904,
section C.

I used this once for a freebie
divorce I did for my cousin Paulie.

Total loser.

Read.

"The purposes of subsections I and
II, of paragraphs A and B..."

Hey, skip down here to...

"Parties who have pursued
separate lives..."

"Parties who have pursued
separate lives,

"sharing neither bed nor board
shall be deemed to have lived

"separate and apart
from one another,

"even though they reside
under the same roof."

Even though they reside
under the same roof?

Yeah. The law was put
on the books for poor people,

folks who
couldn't afford separate

residences
during their divorce,

but we can use it, too.

That means
I can move back in.

If your divorce
is settled in court,

it shows that you're
committed to the property,

plus you can see she doesn't
start selling off the assets.

And I can work on her,

get her to fold on
this house thing.

No. No, Oliver,
you don't even deal with her.

You avoid her.

Women can be a lot meaner
than we give them credit for.

Never underestimate her
as an adversary.

Don't even talk to her.

No, I won't.
Don't worry about me.

Gavin, thank you.

All right.

All right.
Go on. Go home.

This is the stupidest thing
you've ever done.

Second stupidest.

You can't stay here.

The law says I can.
Title 16904, section C.

Look it up, tootsie pie.

Fa la la la la
la la la la

'Tis the season
to be jolly

Fa la la la la
la la la la

Don we now
our gay apparel

OK, Mom, you're on.

Troll the ancient...

Wait.
Let me see that bag.

Is that what you're
going to put on top?

Yes, it is.

Fine. Josh,
plug it in, please.

It's a short.

It's not a short.

One of the ornaments is
touching the sockets.

Fine.

You take care of it, Oliver.

Come on,
it's Christmas time.

Let's get festive.

I have to go out.

I got stuff I got to
do in my room.

Oh.

Oh, God.
My house is on fire!

Mine, too, babe.

Really, you idiot!

Wait up, babe!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my...
Do something!

Fire!

Mom!

Fire!
Dad!

Call the police!

I'll get the extinguisher!

991. 999.

911.

Oh, my God!

Stay out of the way!

Coming through!

"1, store in a cool place.

"2, hold upright.
Pull pin out." OK.

"3, stand back 8 feet.
Aim away from face."

Dad, hurry!
All right! OK!

OK! All right!

The curtain!

It's over.

Thank God I was here.

This whole house
could have gone up.

OK, OK.

I get a sponge and
start cleaning up.

Maybe a rake
or a bulldozer.

It might not
have been the lights.

You always know.

Rather than argue about
who supposedly did what,

I'd like to reach some
accord. Time is passing.

I'd love to be done
with this, too, Oliver.

Right.

And if we leave the
settlement up to the court,

the lawyers,
they get everything,

so I've come up
with a fair solution.

You want to hear it?
Yes.

Now, I understand
your point of view.

You've invested 18 years
of your life in this marriage.

That's worth a lot.
A tremendous amount...

$163,800.

How did you arrive
at that number?

Fairly. You do approximately
the same things as Susan.

No. She goes to college.
She should make more than me.

Barbara,
let me finish.

There is no comparison
whatsoever

between what she does...

Her salary is a base,
so I doubled it.

And that wasn't enough,
and then I tripled it,

and that's how I came up
with this figure...

$490,633,
approximately.

I shall give you
that in cash.

It's not going to be easy.

It's going to be harder
than hell is what it is,

but I'm going to do it.

You just have to, you know,
agree to give up the house.

You owe me, Barbara.

You've gotten a hell of a
lot more out of knowing me

than I've gotten
out of knowing you.

I'm not even going to
ask you what that means.

I am the one who
found this house.

I bought everything in it.

With my money!

It's a lot easier
to spend it

than it is to make it,
honey buns!

You might not have made it
if not for me, sweet cakes!

You weren't even multiorgasmic
before you met me, were you?

You really expect me to keep
on reassuring you sexually

even now,
when we disgust each other?

Don't let this bother you.

It's all going to work out.

The red areas are hers.

The yellow areas are mine.

Green is neutral.

The kitchen was difficult,

but Barbara came up with the
idea of time allotments.

This seems rational
to you both?

Yeah.

Look, Oliver,
my father used to say

that a man could never
outdo a woman

when it came
to love or revenge.

Why don't you just
let her have the house?

There are other houses.
There are other women.

No, no, Gavino.
I'm going to win

because I've got her
to accept the ground rules.

Oliver, there is
no winning in this.

There's only
degrees of losing.

I got more square footage.

Sorry to disturb you,

but I was wondering if I could
borrow a sleeping tablet.

Did Oliver send you for it?

No. Actually, no.

Well, all right.
You got me there,

which is good because I'm
uncomfortable with the charade.

It's nice to see

somebody still caring
for somebody in this house.

Good night, Susan.

So there will be no pills?

Oh, kitty.

Kitty, wait.

Wait, kitty kitty...

Do you want me
to call around first

to find
an open drugstore?

I'll find one.

Should I come?

It's up to you.

These are my favorite
kind of cars.

It's a Morgan.

Of course.

It's cozy.

What was that?

A bump of some sort.

Oh, kitty.
Oh, my God.

Look, why don't
you go to the house

and find a large
Ziploc bag?

Ziploc.

Yeah.

Oh, kitty.

Kitty kitty kitty.

So much
for the nine lives myth.

Pssss!

Here, kitty.
Here, kitty kitty.

Pssss!

Here, kitty kitty.

Here, puss, puss,
puss, puss, puss!

Here, puss, puss,
puss, puss!

Pssss!

Here, kitty kitty!

Here, kitty kitty,
kitty kitty!

Have you seen my cat?

Are you talking to me?

Here, kitty kitty.

Come on, kitty.

Here, puss, puss, puss,
puss, puss.

Where are you, kitty?
Come on.

Here, kitty kitty kitty.

Come on, kitty kitty kitty,
come on.

What did you do
with my cat?

Close the door.
You're letting the heat out.

I know something happened.

Now, instead of
playing this game,

what happened?

You killed your cat, Barbara.

What?

Yeah.

Yes. One damn Dalmane,

and your kitty
would be alive.

I had to get up in the middle of
the night looking for Sominex.

I backed out
the driveway...

That supposed to scare me?

If you're looking for trouble,
Barbara, you found it!

Oh, God.

Oh.

What do you expect?

You killed my cat.
You're making me nuts, Oliver.

Will you, please?
I'm asking you to leave.

No. It's my house,

and I'm going to stay.

Ahh.

Frankly, I'm concerned
about you, Oliver.

You look haggard.

Ahh! I feel great.

Maybe I'll take
a little time off

after the Larrabee
confirmation hearings.

Why don't you take
a little time before?

Look, it's vital to the firm
this comes off without a hitch.

I want you at your best.

I'm at my best.

I won't let you down.

I'm in fantastic shape.

I thank you
so much for caring.

Mr. D'Amato.
Yeah.

There's someone
in your office.

Who?

Use words, Maryanne.

Mrs. Rose.

I didn't think I should leave
her in the reception area,

I mean, what with
all the, uh, you know.

Yeah, I know.

The, um...

Yeah, I know.

Barbara?

You know, you really
shouldn't be here

because it might be viewed
by some as unethical.

Well, I am here,

ethical or not.

You don't mind
if I tape this,

just so no one gets confused
about what was said?

What's on your mind?

Well, since you're the one

who advised Oliver
to move back in,

I thought you would
advise him to move out.

Why? It sounds like you two
have things worked out,

with the red areas
and the green areas.

Gavin, ever since
this thing started,

I've had trouble sleeping.

Most mornings
I wake up sobbing.

I'm sorry.
That's shitty.

But this morning
I woke up screaming,

and I couldn't stop.

I need this to end.

This has to end.

Well, I suggested
selling the house...

No.

OK.

You both seem
to agree on that.

Gavin...

I don't have
much money,

but I could pay you.

That would be illegal.

Besides money...

Oh,

what would it take

to get you to
help me, Gavin?

Come on,
put your shoes on, Barbara.

I haven't been
into feet since '82.

Have you ever
made angry love?

Is there any other way?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

No.

Stop it!

This is ridiculous.
Button up.

You want to settle this?

Let's all sit down
and work it out,

find some compromise.

There is no compromise.

Then I can't help you.

Worth a shot.

You know where I am
if you change your mind.

Sometimes I wonder
what might have happened

if I had taken her offer.

But I didn't.

I should have seen her toes
in the pit of my crotch

as a cry for help.

Stinking bitch.
Dumb bastard.

Slut.
Scum.

Filth.
Faggot!

Morning, Susan.

Morning.

I made you some sandwiches
for the trip.

I'm not really
that hungry.

You may be hungry later.

Why don't you wrap these up?

I feel like there's some
things I should tell you.

I mean,
you're going off to college.

You told me you love me.

Yes, I do love you.

And about drugs,
don't do them,

and sex,
don't catch anything.

What else is there?

Just... About women.

Don't be led
by your emotions.

Look, just because
you screwed up

doesn't mean I'm going to,

so don't try to put
your shit off on me,

all right?

Josh.

Don't leave like this.

I'm pissed at you.

So what do you
want to do about it?

You want to take
a swing at me?

Is that going to
make you feel better?

Then go ahead.

So what are you and Dad
going to do to each other

once we're not around?

Don't be silly.

Your father and I need some
time alone to work things out.

By the time
summer school starts,

we'll have it all settled.

And then I'll make a
celebration dinner,

and I'll bring it up,

or you can come here.

We'll work it out.

Do you promise?

Sure.

You know I love you.

Yeah.

My sweet girl.

So, I'll be back
for my things.

I will be thinking
the best for you.

So long.

Take care, Susan.

Good-bye.

You have
a great time, kids.

Don't worry about us.

Bye!

Come here, Bennie.

At 15, I became
an evolutionist,

and it all became clear.

We came from mud,

and after 3.8 billion years
of evolution,

at our core is still mud.

Nobody can be a divorce
lawyer and doubt that.

We can nail her.

She's having a black-tie dinner
at the house at 8:00 tonight.

The food critic from the Post
called to confirm the time.

And look at this.

She sent me this phony
exterminator's notice

saying the house needs to
be gassed for termites

so I'd stay away.

She can have
dinner parties.

She lied about
the exterminator.

She can lie.

She took two
of my Staffordshire figures.

Any dealer would give you
at least $1,000 for them.

She is financing her dinner
with my things.

I want to file
criminal charges,

and I want her
thrown in jail.

Unless you have proof,
there aren't grounds.

Wait a minute.

Whose side are
you on, anyway?

Did she get to you, huh?

Did you bang her?

Not at all.

She was great.

She was a gymnast.

She was?

Yeah.

Look, Oliver...

I lost my train of thought.

Come on, Gavin,
let's have her arrested.

I don't think you should
stay in the house.

I want to push to sell the
house and divide the proceeds.

No. You're selling me out.

You don't think I got the
guts to go to the mat.

You don't want to go
to this mat, Oliver.

Look, I respect you, Oliver.

You're a professional.
I'm a professional.

As a professional
and a friend,

I'm telling you, one
way or another,

you're going to lose.

Give it up.

I understand
what you're saying.

You're fired.

Now, some of the dishes
tonight are new.

Some I've, no doubt,
made for you before,

but they are all
my favorite dishes,

as you are all
my favorite clients.

Hello, darling.
Sorry I'm late.

Well, I guess I'd better not
sit too close to anybody

because I have
a bit of a cold.

Ew!

Ah!

Oh!
Oh!

Now I guess I'll go in
and piss on the fish.

Oh!

Oliver, these people
are my clients.

You are messing
with my business.

I have the food editor
from the Post out there.

Is everything all right?

I would never
humiliate you like this.

You're not
equipped to, honey.

Aah!

Leaving so soon,
baby doll?

A family tiff
seems to be developing.

I don't know
if we should leave,

but I definitely advise
skipping the fish course.

No!

What... What...
What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Do you see what she's doing?

Do you see that?

Huh.

Aah!

Get out of the car, hon.

You're going to
have to kill me.

I mean it, Oliver.

You don't have the guts.

Come on. Come on!

This is absurd.
It's just absurd.

OK, the gloves are off.

Look, I don't want
to create a scene.

I mean, I live
in this neighborhood, too.

But the gloves are off!

Chicken shit.

Your guests would
have loved this.

I expected a little more
imagination from you, Ollie.

Guess I'll go clean up.

Not the Staffordshires.

You love them
as much as I do.

More.

Aah!

Don't you touch that.

What are you doing?

Give that to me.

Let go!

Give it to me.
Uh!

Good night.

Bennie?

Bennie!

Bennie!

That Bermuda high-pressure
system in the east

is keeping hot, sticky weather
in the Potomac area.

Look for a high today
of around 92 degrees.

Not a good day to do
strenuous exercise outdoors.

That's good advice, Morris,

especially for folks
with respiratory problems.

OK. Well, Sarah Murphy
is standing by at the Pentagon

with a report
on whether women

still find uniforms
sexy attire for men.

So far, it's a pretty normal
divorce scenario,

a few bruises,
some broken dishes,

pissed-on fish.

But I think you should have
a drink for this next part.

There are two dilemmas

that rattle
the human skull...

How do you hold on
to someone who won't stay?

And how do you get rid
of someone who won't go?

I opened a great old one

to let it breathe.

You look beautiful.

I feel good.

I do, too.

I think the Larrabee
confirmation hearing

went very well today.

I was surprised,
happily surprised

by your invitation.

Thank you for the wine.

I hope it's not poisoned.

Same here.

We've made a mess
of things, Oliver.

Yes, we sure have.

I want to start living
a normal life again.

I do, too, Barbara.

Sitting here like this,

it's hard to believe
we can't be happy.

We can be happy,

just not together.

I want to ask you
one last time

to leave.

I can't do that.

I won't.

You make so
much money, Oliver.

You can buy another house.

You can replace everything.

Except you.

You may find this
hard to believe,

but I still love you.

I still

want you.

I find it
hard to believe.

I think what you can't believe
is that I don't want you.

Well, I... Yeah, I have
a problem with that.

I mean, I think
I'm a good person

as people go, and...

What can we do
to patch things up?

I don't know.

Tell me.

I can't.

Please.

I don't know.

Please tell me.

Please. Just tell me...

Stop it!

I guess you don't
want to talk about it.

No, I don't want to
talk about it.

Oliver, if you don't
get out of here now,

you have no idea
how far I'll go.

How far? Tell me.

Sure, we've been
horrible to each other,

but we had something.

We still do.

We haven't passed
any point of no return.

I have.

I'm not convinced.

Nobody who
makes pate this good

can be all bad.

That depends on what
the pate is made of.

Woof.

Bennie?

A good dog
to the last bite.

God damn you!

Jesus Christ!

I'll give you the chandelier.

Uh!

Barbara.

Oh, shit!

You can't get out.

I'm going to find you,
sweetness.

I know this house
too well!

Where the hell is she?

Uh...

Uh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ah!

Uh!

Ugh!

Uh!

I guess I'm on top now, huh?

And you're helpless.

I can do anything I want.

Stop it!
I mean it! Stop it!

Ohh, ohh, ohh.

Oh, God. Oh, you smell
so darn sweet.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, Barbie.

Oh, I need this, Barbie.

Yeah.

God, don't talk!

Don't talk!

Oh, I want to say hello
to the Bald Avenger, please.

Oh, ooh!

Ohh! Ohh!

You haven't called him
that in years.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!
Mmm! Mmm!

Oh, Barbara!

Oh, yes!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh... Oh, Barbara.

Ohh, Barb...

Aah!

Oh, God! Jesus!

Oh, God!

Oh! Oh!

Oh...

Ugh!

Was it as good for you
as it was for me?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ah! Ah!

Ooh...

Ahh...

Oh, what's going on here?

Oh...

God.

Ugh!

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were Barbara.

Mr. Rose,
what's going on here?

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

Fine.

Listen, Susan,

I'm in the middle
of something now.

I really can't
talk about it.

Just let me get
the door for you.

Is Mrs. Rose all right?

Yes. She's fine.

Where is she?
Is she OK?

You're sure
she's all right?

Barbara, Susan's here.

She wants to know
if you're OK.

Never better.

Thank you for
dropping by, Susan.

Come outside with me,
Mr. Rose.

Let's go.

Wait a minute.
I forgot something.

What?

Barbara.

No!

Mr. Rose.

Mr. Rose!

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Mrs. Rose...

Only

You

Can

Can...

Ha ha ha ha!

What fresh hell is this?

Uh...

Only

You

Can

Hi.

I brought you a surprise.

Nah nah nah
nah nah nah

You are a jerk.

Tell you what...

You say it's mine,

and you can have
everything in this house.

OK.

It's mine.

Ah! Ah! Oh!

Barbara.

Oh... Oh...

Barbara...
Barbara, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?
You OK?

You OK?

Ah!

Ya!

Uh!

Ugh!

Well, well, well.

I'd be glad to help you

in exchange
for the house.

No.

Please don't break
the terrazzo floor

when you land.

Oh! That's better.

I'm going to save you
whether you like it or not.

That won't work.

It's too heavy.
It'll pull you off.

It'll work.

Ugh!

Hmm!

Uh! Uh!

Oliver.

Uh!

Uh...

Almost.

All right.
All right.

I think I can
swing this over

to the balcony.

Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

I loosened the bolt.

I was going to
drop it on you.

Ooh.

Oh, that's a good one.

Gavin!

Gavin.

Susan, let me
stop the car first.

Thank God you're here.

I thought
you'd never arrive.

They're in there,

and they're over the edge.

I guess at this point,
there's no reason

to be anything
but absolutely honest.

Through all that's happened,

I always loved you.

I know.

And through all this

you loved me, too,
didn't you?

Get that, would you, Oliver?

No?

No. No, no, no.

OK. We go in.

Uh!

Oh, my God.

Oliver!

Barbara!

Gavin!
Gavin!

Gavin, get a ladder!

OK!

Ohh...

I knew everything
would be all right.

No!
No!

Gavin!

Gavin!
Gavin!

We're going to
be all right.

You see those two wires?

Yeah.

Each of them can hold
at least 200 pounds.

Aah!

We're coming!

Oh, my God.

They're dead.

Some story, huh?

What's the moral,

other than dog people
should marry dog people

and cat people should
marry cat people?

I don't know.

Could be just this.

A civilized divorce
is a contradiction in terms.

Maybe because of
what happened,

I've become too
traditional.

Maybe it's not natural

to stay married
to one person for life.

My parents did it.

63 years,

a few of them good.

So, look. Here it is.

We can begin.

When it comes to your wife,

I'm going to urge you

to be generous
to the point of night sweats

because
the all-important thing here

is to get you through this

as quickly and
cleanly as possible

so that you can begin
rebuilding your life.

OK?

Or,

you can get up
and go home

and try to find some shred
of what you once loved

about the sweetheart
of your youth.

It's your life.

Take a minute.

Hi. What are you doing?

I'm coming home. Love you.