All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.In.Philadelphia.S13E04.WEBRip.x264-eSc

CHARLIE:
Come on, hurry up, guys.

I want to get a good seat.

DENNIS: What do you mean
you want to get...

Charlie, this is a sexual
harassment seminar.

There are no "good seats."
Where are you going?

-Up front.
-This is so unfair.

I mean, I'm not saying
it doesn't happen to, like,

loads of women all the time,

but I don't harass anybody,
so why am I here?

Because some Internet warrior
put Paddy's on a list

of unsafe places for women
and we can't have that, okay?

-Not in this climate.
-Right.

Ugh! You kids and your climates.

Back in the day,
I banged all my secretaries.

-Frank.
-That's the way you did it.

You hire some girl
with no experience,

you bang her, you promote her.

It's a win-win situation
for everybody,

except for the wives.

Frank, modulate your volume,
okay? This is serious, okay?

The future of Paddy's depends
on us completing this seminar.

You guys should be
really worried.

I'm not worried about anything,
man. If anyone should be

worried about weird shit
with women, it's you, bro.

-(Frank chuckles)
-The only reason we're here

is because you DENNIS'd
someone probably

and she put us on the list.
We're only here 'cause of you.

Yeah, you perv. You happy now?

-You happy?
-Happy?

(scoffs) You guys,
this isn't about me.

I don't know if you noticed,

but women are on a little bit
of a rampage right now

and anyone could be
taken down at any moment,

so, you know, no,
I'm not happy right now.

Who could possibly
be happy right now?

Hey-o!

Who's ready to party?!

� Time's up, time's up,
time's up �

� Time's up, time's up,
time's up. � (laughs)

� �

Hello. I'm Kate.

And I want to begin today
by addressing the reason

that we're all here,
the so-called

"Shitty Bar List"
of unsafe places for women.

Ah, yes.
Uh, just a quick question.

How many points do we need?

I'm sorry, points?

Yeah, how many points
do we need to score

to get our name
taken off the list?

Oh. No, there's no points.

Everything is graded
by points, right?

I mean, otherwise,
how could the Eagles

have won the Super Bowl, right?

All you have to do
is complete the seminar

and then your bar will have
its name removed from the list.

-There you go. Simple.
-CHARLIE: Yeah, but our-our name

shouldn't even be
on that list 'cause, like,

we don't really have any history
of misbehavior at Paddy's Pub.

Well, I'm sure a lot of people
here today feel that way,

but I encourage you
to keep your minds open...

And your dicks in your pants.
(laughs)

Ma'am, that kind of language
is inappropriate

in a professional setting.

That's one of the things that
you'll learn in the seminar.

Uh, yes? Do you have a question?

Statute of limitations.

Okay. I'm just trying to get
through the introduction here,

but since you asked,
the federal law is 300 days

from the last act,
depending on the state and...

Sir, are you leaving?

-Frank!
-What?

They got nothing on me
past '92, tops.

DENNIS:
Hold on a second there.

Uh, pardon me, Kate, but, um,
aren't some states considering

doing away with the statute
of limitations altogether?

Some states like, uh, Nevada?

KATE:
Yes, that's right.

Can they do that?

It's possible. Yes.

FRANK:
Nevada, huh?

Ah, it's getting warm in here.

Uh, got to make
some calls. Shit.

You can continue now.

I promise you there will be
no further interruptions.

Right. We're gonna jump
right into the group work.

Half of you are gonna go with me

and the rest will be led
by my associate Alan.

Hello, everyone. I'm Alan.

Oh! Here comes the boss man.

-Finally, a dude.
-Yeah.

Yeah, okay, cool.
He's in charge.

Uh, ma'am? Could we go
with Alan, please?

Actually, I think we should
split your group up.

That's, uh, that's gonna
be a lot harder for me

-to keep tabs on you guys.
-Don't worry, Dennis.

I'm gonna make you so proud.

I'm gonna work really hard
and get all the points and...

What is with you and the points?

There are no points.
We established that.

Well, that's how the Eagles
won the Super Bowl.

I know that's how
the Eagles won the...

but this isn't the Eagles. Okay?

-This is a seminar.
-MAC: Go Birds, though.

-Oh, go Birds, go Birds.
-All right, fine, go Birds. Yes.

I know. Go Birds.
Get your hand off my knee.

Look, just sit here
and do nothing.

ALAN:
So, in this room

we're going to be talking
about harassment

in the workplace.

And thank you to Elliot
who's agreed to play our boss.

I'll just need another volunteer
from the group.

-Oh! Oh! Alan!
-Alan! Alan! Alan!

-DEE: I'll do it.
-Uh, so, uh...
-Alan! Alan!

Sir, would you mind
just jumping in for me?

-Thank you.
-(Charlie groans)

Um, great.
So just read from the script

and I'll jump in as and when.

"Good morning, boss."

"Hello, Johnson. Have that
report on my desk by 5:00.

-"Hey, did you see the boobs
on that new intern?"
-And stop.

Now, can anyone tell me
what the boss did wrong there?

Yeah. He mumbled his lines.

I didn't believe a word
out of his mouth.

Uh, no, sorry.
I mean in the scenario.

-He-he used vulgar language.
-That is correct.

B-But she didn't hear it.

This is just locker room talk
between guys.

Now, that's actually
a common misconception, okay?

Lewd comments can be
a form of harassment

even if directed
to a third party.

But it's not for her.
It's about her.

No, sorry. It's-it's actually,

it's the employee
who's talking to the boss

that is the one
that was offended.

-What? Why?
-No, no, no, the employee

-would find it hilarious.
-Yeah.

I mean, not this guy 'cause
the boss sucks at telling jokes.

Well, also, we really don't know
how funny the joke is yet

'cause we haven't seen the
girl's boobs. Can we see them?

Okay. Uh, let's... (laughs)
...let's switch gears.

Maybe try a different scenario.
Thanks, gents.

Just, uh, uh, take a seat.

Um, so, uh, Mac, what is it
that you do at the bar?

-I am the head of security
at Paddy's Pub.
-He's our doorman.

-No, he's just like
our gay guy now.
-No, well...

Great. So, you check IDs.
That-that sort of thing.

-He should.
-Not once has he ever
checked an ID.

-It's one aspect of the job.
-Yeah, he should.

Why don't you, why don't you hop
up here and we'll do a little

scenario that-that might be
a little more familiar to you.

-You are very tall.
-Yes, I am.

Now, should I take my shirt off
for the scenario?

Because I feel like
standing next to you,

they're not gonna be
as intimidated,

but if I were to take my shirt
off, they would be intimidated.

I'm not in the scenario.

-We're good. We're good.
-Yeah, we're okay.

-We get it. We get it.
-That's him doing
his gay guy thing.

So, uh, can we also get
a female customer?

-Ooh, yeah.
-A volunteer?

I will be the young,
female customer.

"Young, female customer."
Great, good. Yes.

Okay. Well, um, just, uh, do
your job as you would normally

and I will, um,
you know, jump in

if you cross over
into any gray areas.

Okay. So what's my character?

Uh, you're just trying
to get into the bar.

Yeah, but why?

To get a drink, I suppose.

Why? I just drank three beers
on the way over.

You don't show up
at a bar sober.

What a waste of money.
What are you gonna...

Just you're trying
to get into the bar.

-I'm here for revenge.
-Okay. Sure.

Alan, what's my character again?

-You're the doorman.
-Right.

And how many drinks
have I had at this point?

You are... you're not
in the scenario.

-I've had five.
-Okay. Marvelous.

Let's, uh, let's begin
whenever you're ready.

(clears throat)
Excuse me, sir, have you...

(all shouting)

-Whoa!
-Wow.

-(Charlie laughs)
-ALAN: Jesus Christ.

Why did you do that?

Oh, well, well, she came at me,

-and it was sort of my instinct.
-That was amazing.

-That was great, right?
-You got me, like,
a foot off the ground.

-A-Are you okay?
-Yeah, yeah.
No, it doesn't hurt.

Did it-did it make you
feel humiliated?

Did it make you-make you
feel small?

That's what it is,
it made me feel teeny-tiny.

-Like Thumbelina.
-That's what I was going for.
Thumbelina!

That's the highest
I've ever gotten.

He's never gotten me
that high before.

You're lucky I haven't
called the police.

Why-why would you call
the police?

Oh, wait. H-Hold on.
Is that sexual harassment?

No, that is sexual assault.

-Really?
-Assault?
-(clock ticking)

No. Dee, Dee.
I did not assault you.

Please tell Alan
that I did not assault you.

Well, now that I've gotten a
little distance from the event.

Wha... No, Alan, we do this kind
of stuff all the time.

W-Charlie, would you tell him?

-He's gone.
-You do this all the time?

Y-You've got a big problem, all
right? She could press charges.

-Could I?
-No.
-(clock ticking faster)

MAC:
No! Dee. No.

-He just said I could, so...
-Oh, God.

It just, i-it...
did somebody turn up the heat?

Yeah, you sweating? You sweating
a little bit, Ronald?

-Yeah?
-No, it's just the climate.

The term "sexual harassment,"
it wasn't coined until 1975,

-by a woman named Carmita Wood.
-Carmita Wood. Oh. I'm sorry.

-Sorry.
-(chuckles)
You really know your history.

-Well, this is important stuff.
-DEE: Oh, please.

-God, get lost, Dee.
-No way, I'm on a roll.

-So who could tell me...
-DEE: (clears throat) Hey.

Is it sexual harassment
when a man

constantly calls
his female coworker a bird?

That depends. Is that
a sexual innuendo of some kind?

Just a big dumb flightless bird.

Well, it's not very nice,
but it's not sexual harassment.

(quietly): (laughs)
Nice try, you dumb bitch.

(regular volume):
Um, Kate, if I may, yeah.

Um, federal law
really only recognizes

two types of sexual harassment:

quid pro quo
and hostile work environment.

That is very good, Dennis.

-Thank you.
-No, no, don't do that.

This man is a monster.
Believe you, me.

-(chuckles): What?
-He is the worst person I know.

Got to protect me
on this, Larry.

I-- start with the secretaries.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Frank. Pants.

I was sweating
through my clothes.

It's this damn climate.

Sir, that robe is inappropriate.

-And I don't think...
-Hon, I'm on the phone, you see?

I don't know.
I bought her a Camaro. No--

you know I don't go Chinese.

I don't know why, I just don't.

Korean?

Oh, put her on the list.

I really did a number on her.

-(laughs)
-Yeah...

Why don't we take a break?

Got to get your shit
together, Frank.

-You...
-Oh, I wish I was dead.

These vultures are picking
my carcass clean.

Whoa, Frank. Hey, stop talking.

-Where'd you get that robe?
-Upstairs.

I got to get one
of them, man. Nice.

Whoa. Wait, Jesus, Mac.
What the hell happened to you?

I'm gonna be honest. The first
half has not gone well.

-You got exposed, too?
-Oh, yeah, he did. Big time.

He did a role-play thing,
it went bad.

Wait, role-playing thing? Y-You
were supposed to do nothing.

I mean, n-now you're all
sweaty and twitchy?

Well, it's-it's so hot in here.

I mean, I feel like
they crank up the heat.

Oh, they cranked it up.
I'm roasting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Which one
of you just grabbed my ass?

(laughs)

Did you see that?
Did you see--

t-that is a problem for us.

T-Their powers
are growing. Okay?

Now, we got to start taking this
more seriously, okay?

Can you guys just go back
in there and do nothing, okay?

Just don't say or do anything.

KATE:
Can anyone tell me

the two types
of sexual harassment?

Oh. Oh, oh. Uh, uh,
flirting and groping.

No! Uh, groping
and-and dick pics.

Yeah, I-I know that sending
dick pics is one of them.

You're kidding. Christ.

-I got to shoot some texts.
-KATE: Actually,

it's quid pro quo
and hostile work environment.

Would you please stop
interrupting me?

-(laughs): Ooh, ooh, burn.
-Please... And you.

Could you please sit down?

No, it's cool. I'm on your side.

There are no sides.

Shit, I just looked at her tits.

-Frank! Don't tell her that.
-Okay, don't panic.

A passing glance
is not sexual harassment.

Oh. I like your tactic here.

Get them all horny
with your titties.

That's when they make
their mistakes.

Ma'am, that's victim blaming.

No, I'm blaming Frank.
He's been staring at your boobs

this whole time. Still doing it.

MAC:
Frank!

What? I'm not allowed
to like things anymore?

-It's a compliment.
-How is that a compliment?

Well, they're not that great.

Make her feel good.

-Hey, hey, hey.
Don't let them get to you.
-Okay...

Okay? Your tits are fine.

ALAN:
Okay, everybody,

if, uh, you could
take a seat, please.

So now what
we're gonna do is, uh,

imagine
a-a hypothetical scenario,

uh, based right here
in Philadelphia.

So, uh, i-imagine a-a woman,
we'll call her "the waitress,"

-who works at
a local coffee shop.
-(clock ticking)

Now, i-in this particular
instance, this waitress

is being harassed
by one of her customers.

He's following her home
from work, uh,

digging through her trash
and calling her repeatedly,

until she complains
to her boss about it.

Now, the boss does nothing.

Can anyone tell me
who's legally at fault here?

Ooh. Wow, what
do you think, Charlie?

I-I think The Waitress is.

Y-You know, 'cause,
for-she doesn't realize

that, like, true love is
in front of her stupid face.

-Well...
-Why would she say
that's an assault?

Hold on a second.
Now, this is just a-this is just

a hypothetical, uh,
scenario that he's painting.

He's not getting
the whole big picture, right?

-Well, of course,
it's a hypothetical.
-I know, but maybe

she, like, only thought like she
wasn't into him, but then, like,

15 years later,
when she needed a baby, like,

really bad, and she'd been
in and out of, like,

-a women's shelter,
he banged her.
-ALAN: Sorry.

That-that doesn't mean that
the customer didn't harass.

All right, well then, I think
all of the customers' friends

harassed her, too,
because they all banged her.

-I mean, he did.
-That's true.

Oh, well, don't bring me
into th--

this is a hypothetical scenario.
I'm not involved.

-Neither are you.
-She also did hand stuff to Mac.

She did. I-It wasn't
very good, though.

All right, look, are you trying
to tell me that no matter what,

it's always just gonna be
the customer's fault?

It is, in fact,
the boss's fault.

The boss.

Well, that makes sense.
I always hated Seth.

-He's a real creep.
-Well, you don't know his name

because this is hypothetical,
and he didn't say t-that...

Well, it doesn't matter anyway,
'cause she just said

what I-what I did to her
wasn't harassment

because Seth did it to her.

Sorry. I... Can I just
make this very clear?

Okay? What the customer did
was harassment.

-Right.
-Yes. If it were you.

And so, take in the information,
but don't take it personally.

Uh, yeah, technically, don't,
like, I get, like, a free pass

and stuff, 'cause I mean,
I was molested.

-(audience murmuring)
-Ah... W-Well, now, actually,
that is true.

He did get molested
by his uncle Jack.

His-his uncle Jack
got to him pretty good.

-No, Uncle Jack
never molested me.
-Oh.

-I dodged him.
-Oh, no, he got you. He got you.

-He got you big time.
-You weren't there.

-You wrote a whole play
about it.
-Yeah, you did write a play.

-I got molested by Dee.
-What?

What? Oh, c-that's ludicrous.

No, it's true.
Like, a couple years ago,

she banged me,
and I didn't want to do it.

-There you go.
-Wait, wait.
You had sex with Charlie?

-Oh, God.
-You had sex with Dee?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.

We, okay, it was a mistake.

-Yeah, I'll say.
-I-It-- I regret
every second of it,

-but it was consensual.
-It was not!

I totally wanted her
to stop, and, like,

I was very intimidated
by her larger frame.

-Oh, yeah, I can see that. Yeah.
-So, you know.

I have a petite frame.
I-- i-it's a Thumbelina frame.

-I don't... Not to me.
-Y-You didn't tell me to stop.

Yeah, and I kept saying...
(muffled protests)

And you're like, "Shut up!
Stop talking! Be still.

"Let me do my thing.
I can't, I can't get off

with you moving
and talking and shit."

Oh, shit. Yup.
That's ringing a bell.

-Jesus, Dee. Ugh, God.
-All right, but yeah. (stammers)

Either way, It does--
I can't molest you, you know?

It doesn't work that way 'cause
I'm a woman and you're the man.

Right, right?
Back me up, girlfriend.

Actually, a woman can sexually
harass and even rape a man.

Is that what happened here?

-(bell dings, clock ticking)
-Actually, maybe.

No, no, no, no. You don't,
you don't just throw around

the-the "R" word, Kate.
It's hot, right?

FRANK:
Yello?

What? Then find her
through the abortion records.

Can the group from Paddy's Pub
please focus up.

You guys have been
very disruptive.

Well, maybe you should
explain it more better

because I'm totally
confused about...

Maybe if you stopped
interrupting.

Maybe if you two stopped
sucking a fat dick.

-You do suck a fat dick.
-You've sucked a dick
through this process.

What? Are you kidding me?

After all of this,
I ended up firing her?

(all groaning)

Oh, my God.

Hey, Larry? How soon
can you get to the Hyatt?

My dong fell out.
Some woman saw it.

Well, goddamn it.

DENNIS:
All right, calm down, calm down.

Everybody take it easy,
everybody take a deep breath.

You know, we're gonna
get through this.

I think, look, Kate,

you two are clearly a little
in over your heads here.

Right? Yeah. You're never gonna
be able to rein in

this particular group,
so I tell you what.

I have some experience
running, uh,

little educational
seminars like this,

so why don't I take over
for a little bit.

You guys, scoot. All right?
On your bikes.

Here's a statistic for you:

100% of men are capable
of being sexual harassers.

And 100% of women

are capable of being
sexually harassed.

Now, am I saying that all men

are sexual harassers?
No, no, no, no. No, no.

Of course not. No.
Absolutely not. No.

Yes, some men are, uh, well,

they're-they're
sexual harassers,

but they don't represent
all men, you know,

just like all women
aren't represented

by a few bad ones, you know.
Women like, uh...

(dramatic music plays)

You know, and of course...

And then we got...

Point is,

that gender really doesn't have
anything to do with it.

There's really only one thing
that determines

whether a person will be accused
of sexual harassment,

and that is...

ugliness.

-(all gasping)
-Let me explain.

Now, see, here's a,
here's a graph of ugliness

as it relates to time.

Now you see how the,
how the arrow plunges

pretty steeply downward
as your ugliness increases.

Now I want you to imagine
a scenario for me

where this man walks
into work one day,

sees a woman, and says,
"I like your dress."

Oh. Mildly sexual,
but innocuous enough, yeah.

Now imagine the same sentence
spoken by this man.

-(groans, gasps)
-Yeah.

Suddenly,
you're very uncomfortable.

We're all uncomfortable
just looking at him now.

Because he's gross, he's ugly,
he's a little bit of a monster.

Now is it this man's fault
that he looks this way?

No. He was, he was born
this way, but the point is,

I know it's not my fault,
you know.

Is it your fault?
I don't think so.

It's certainly not the woman's
fault, you know?

The point is, know your place,
monster man. Your time's up.

(bell dings)

Yeah, I know
what you're thinking.

You're thinking,
"How do I know if I'm ugly?

Well, if you're not sure,

probably best to assume
that you are.

Everyone in this room is.
I-I did a scan.

Now here's the part
where you say,

"But, Dennis, I can't be ugly,

I'm rich."

And, yes, money can offset
and reduce ugliness,

but it actually
increases your risk.

You see, a construction worker,
he can can catcall women

all day long, right?
And he gets away with it

'cause nobody gives a shit,
but a rich guy...

-A rich guy's fun to take down.
-(clock ticking)

Time's up.

-(bell dings)
-"But, Dennis," you're saying,

"I can't be ugly, and-and it
doesn't matter because I'm gay."

-(chuckles)
-Well, guess what, pal?

You-you are ugly,
and it doesn't matter how much

you work out. It's never
gonna change that fact.

You've also objectified tons
of men, including me.

You know, you got to stop
kissing me, man.

I don't want it. I don't want
you touching me at all.

Okay, it's never gonna happen.
All right?

Not willingly. Your time's up.

(bell dings)

"But, Dennis, I can't be ugly.
I'm a hopeless romantic."

-(clock ticking)
-But no, you're-you're not.

Okay, you're-you're a sad,
pathetic wretch of a man,

so desperate to be loved

that you'll actually go rifling
through somebody's garbage.

(chuckles):
And there's nothing...

nothing more unattractive
than desperation.

To... No, not him.

No, talking about you. No.

Not him, either.
Yeah, I am talking

about you. You know what,
never mind. Your time's up.

-(bell dings)
-"But Dennis...

"I-I... see, I can't be ugly,
all right?

I'm a woman."

-(clock ticking)
-Well, no, women can be ugly,

and you are one of them.

One of the ugly ones.
You're lanky, and your hair's...

well, it looks like a wig.
Yeah. What's going on?

Is it a wig? Doesn't matter.
Your time's up.

-(bell dings)
-But guys,

I got some good news for you.

Okay?
It's not a crime to be ugly.

But you can't be ugly

and sloppy.

So, take me, for example.

I'm neither. Yeah, you see that?

That is 11% body fat. Now,
the only place you're gonna...

-What year was that photo taken?
-No, no, no.

Not taking questions
right now, Mac.

So just... Yeah.

Point is, I keep my body tight.

But I also keep my life tight.

I got the tapes.
I got the receipts.

They're all time-stamped
and coded.

After every encounter,
I received a text

confirming each partner's
consent and enjoyment.

Now, you may ask, "Well...

would a woman really-really
text that, Dennis?"

Their phones did.

I got the documents to prove it,
so don't try coming at me.

But some of you...

you just haven't been
careful enough.

So you're asking yourself, "What
can I do to save myself now?"

You got to clean up your act.
Otherwise, you're going down,

and you're gonna take me down
with you,

and I ain't going down.

You understand? I've been
telling you this for years,

but you refused to listen.

And so that's why I had to find
a way to make you listen,

which is why I created
the Shitty Bar List.

-(crowd murmuring)
-What?

That's right.

I made the spreadsheet,
I posted it online,

and I even hired these two bozos
to host the seminar.

Wait, you hired us?

You're a monster.

-(clock ticking)
-Oh, yeah? Prove it.

(bell dings)

Oh, wow!
I feel like we should clap.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-That was pretty good.
-That was awesome.

Yeah. I'm gonna be honest,
I didn't follow most of it,

-but so cool, man.
-Yeah.

Pretty drastic move
to publicly expose us,

but I see why you did it.

Yeah, but it's true.
I mean, women are out to get us.

Well, well, no, no.
Women are right.

I mean, men are monsters.
We're constantly harassing them.

I'm just saying
we need to be more careful

so we don't get accused.

And we should probably
stop harassing them.

Uh, well, you know, I don't
know. One step at a time.

We don't want the whole system
to collapse,

-you know what I mean?
-Ease-ease into it.

-It'd be chaotic. Yeah, yeah.
-Ease into it.
-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You guys want
to go grab some margaritas

-by the pool?
-DEE: Oh.

-I do.
-Booze.

-I'm ready for some booze.
-DEE: Oh, yeah.

-Let's go.
-Yeah.
-Me, too.

-Oh!
-(all laugh)

-Oh, "MeToo."
-Very good.

-That's great.
-Very good, and for a woman,
a good joke.

Hey, you guys think
that Alan guy's got a big dick?

-DENNIS: Oh, yeah.
-Huge.

I saw it in the bathroom.
I sought it out.

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Captioned by
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(trio chanting backwards)