All language subtitles for Rake.S02E06.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.x264-SbR_track4_[eng]

Huh?

Oh!

Oh...

Hello. Is this emergency?

Yeah, I was just wondering if someone's
handed in a penis recently.

You will burn in hell
for this, you bastard!

Found it. Must have rolled
under the side of the bed.

Go! Go!

Mrs Alford?
Yes.

I was just wondering if your
husband Alexander was home.

Well, what's it about?

Hello there.

What seems
to be the trouble here?

Oh, yes.

It's very bruised.

Is that tender?
Ooh! Yes!

Yeah, I was kicked in them.

Here?
Oh, yeah! Yeah.

Does it hurt when you pass urine?

It hurts when I squeeze
toothpaste, mate.

It hurts when I change
radio stations.

It fucking hurts, alright?

It's like I got a couple
of bowling balls down there.

Can you achieve an erection?

Do you really think
I'm gonna pull this out

in front of anybody without
six years of medical training?

It looks like a blue-ringed octopus!

Yes, well, I would avoid
show-and-tell for some time.

In fact, I'd be steering clear
of sex for a while.

Uh, I suspect it's only bruising,

but I wouldn't mind
running some tests.

You absolute bastard!

Uh, I'm sorry. Would you
excuse us, please, ladies?

I think someone's
got the grumps with me.

Excuse me.

You attack this woman

and then you conned me
into covering for you.

I haven't been charged
and I didn't do it.

Because of you, I perjured myself
in a sworn statement to the police.

Yes, yes. Why did you do that?

I had trouble understanding
that myself. Then I got these.

Where are they? Jesus, filing.

Oh, here we go!

Oh, look. Here's a nice one of you
getting into the lifts at the Hyatt.

1:51pm - around the same time

I'm supposed to be
knocking off this woman -

hot to go to the 21st floor.

You had me followed?
No!

No interest in you whatsoever.

This is against the law.

Oh, surely you must know by now

for all practical purposes
I am the law in this state

and he is my direct opposition.

I mean, it's my business
to know everything about him.

So imagine our delight

when the pretzel gets in the lift
two minutes after you

and then guess what floor he goes to.

No, nothing happened.
I just had a drink with him.

Well, this one suggests otherwise,

one hour and 15 minutes later.

Yeah, he's not a stayer, is he?

Look, word of advice
from an old hand, hey?

Always take two lifts
and leave 10 minutes apart.

You will never get away with
what you've done to this poor woman.

You keep forgetting
I haven't been charged.

I'm just a "person of interest".

Gotta love that term.
It's worthy of a gravestone.

"Callum Dalgleish McGregor -
Person of Interest."

You don't scare me.

Hmph.

Wow.
Yeah, big wow, big wow.

OK, that's it. That has to be it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, I can't...

We can't do this.
I can't keep doing this.

No, I know.

OK, OK.

I agree.

I'm getting married
in three weeks, you know?

If I keep doing this
I'm going to go mad.

I'm not this sort of person.
At least, I never thought I was.

I know. You're not. I'm not.
You're not and I'm not.

I'm not the kind of person
who has shabby affairs.

Yeah.

Oh...

Alright.
OK.

Mm.
Yep, alright.

Mm, mm.

Yep.
Ooh.

This is late
even by my standards.

Get off my case, will you?
I got caught up, alright?

You've got Tuesday's buttons
in Wednesday's holes, mate.

So?

You once turned up to a conference
with the DPP in a dressing gown.

Yeah, but I'm the dissolute
brilliant one. You're Watson.

No, you're just dissolute.

Still sore?
Oh...

I'm tenured.
12 years as an IT lecturer.

I co-wrote the authoritative manual
on 120 ARM processing nodes.

So I should be
in a lecture hall right now

teaching my Indian students
about gigaflops

and instead I'm here listening
to this humiliating nonsense.

Why is that?

The police felt your recent history
with your neighbour

suggested a pattern.

There is no logical
sequence of events here

describing a uniform pattern.

It's merely a few squabbles.

And what? I'm supposed
to have cut off the man's Johnson?

It's more than a few squabbles.

The police have a list
of 23 separate incidents here

over a nine-month period.

I mean, even to non-computer people,
it does look like a bit of a pattern.

Now, I understand it all kicked off
with a noise complaint

about a neighbour's birthday party.

Was it a 21st or something?

No, Hunter was turning six.

It was
an unbelievable commotion.

Tell them please, Alannah.

Well, I... We don't
have children of our own,

so we're not used
to that level of noise.

Alex called the police.

What time was this?

3:00 in the afternoon.
Oh, fair enough.

Alex had been to a conference
and he was trying to nap.

I was exhausted.

Then he dumped garbage
on your lawn

and then you dumped
an old tyre on his lawn?

An old burning tyre.

And then he cut down
our beautiful silver birch.

Yes, after you had
urinated in his petrol tank.

Alex, this is
a very serious charge.

The police have found
DNA evidence -

your fingerprints
and traces of his blood

on the...on the instrument
they believe was used.

Yep, and I loaned him
those garden shears ages ago

and he never returned them.

Of course it's got my DNA on it.

I told the police all this!
Does anyone listen anymore?

I understand you were all once friends

in a golden age before
Archduke Ferdinand was shot?

Alex and Bob were in
Rotary together, played squash...

Squash.

Went fishing.
Never caught a thing.

And were you friends with his wife?

Well, we played golf
a couple of times,

but she's very good
and I'm more of a tennis girl.

I guess we were friends.
But this is so very wrong.

I did not cut off his business!

I did not.
Hmm.

I did not!

IT people just... We don't
do that sort of thing. JESUS!

We'll speak later?

Darling?

Alex and Alannah, Barbara and Bob...

The perfect initials
on the bathroom towels,

out here in this utopian dream.

What the fucking blue blazes
happened in there, mate?

Alex is a volunteer with St Johns
Ambulance. Alannah, Meals on Wheels.

Barbara golfs.
One of them collects penises.

The fall from grace is a bloody quick
elevator ride, mate, I'll tell you.

What man chops off
another man's tackle?

And then ties a piece of string
around the stump

so the victim doesn't
bleed to death?

Radical circumcision's
not a Rotarian rite, is it?

They still frown on it.

It has to be Bob's wife.

It's what wives do to husbands.
And she's a nurse.

Oh, but the good Mrs Oakley
was at a golf tournie

with 200 eyewitnesses
admiring her short game.

I've met someone.

Shit.
Yeah.

Does Scarlet know?

Sort of.

When you say 'met'...

I mean I'm in...

I think there might be a chance
I'm in love with the woman.

She seems to make sense somehow.

And the sex, what she does...

Yeah, but are you sure that's not it?

I mean, it could just be a root.
You're not obliged to fall in love.

I'm not a farm animal.

I don't just root people.
I'm not built that way.

It has to be love. It has to be.

Do I know her?
No, no, no, no.

No, it... Look, it doesn't matter.
It's not going anywhere anyway.

She's getting... She's with someone.

Jesus.

Why do chicks always feel the need

to do the phone thing
with their fingers?

Do you think they think
we don't know what a phone is?

When Alexander Bell
invented the phone,

do you think his wife invented
the finger thing at the same time?

Mate, the most wonderful news.
Cal McGregor's raped someone.

Direct from my contact
inside the force.

Has he been charged?
Not yet.

Not public. Still building a case.

But the only thing
standing between him

and eight years
in an all-men's shower facility

is the testimony of that new bitch
working for him.

If you're referring
to Scarlet Engels,

she and her husband
are friends of mine, OK?

OK, well, in that case,
I'm sorry to tell you

my cop contact reckons
she could be lying

and may end up
joining Cal in prison.

David, you do realise
this is a great day for the party?

I did mention she's a friend of mine!

Your boss is in a sea of trouble.

I'm told you're his only alibi.

Did you have a meeting with him
or are you covering for him?

Hello, David.

Are you asking me this
out of concern for me

or wanting to put
the boot into him?

I'm sorry, but I need to know.

Was this meeting real?
Did it happen?

No. I lied.

Jesus. You lied to the police?

You signed a sworn statement.

That's right.

Have you any idea what you've done?
Why would you do that for him?

The meeting
that didn't happen with Cal

coincided perfectly with the time

that you and I were
angsting on a hotel bed

so I just thought...

You are kidding.

Had I known that I was supplying
a watertight diarised alibi for rape

I might have given it
a second thought,

but at the time all I could think was,
"Yay! We got away with it."

You are not putting this on me.
I thought I was helping.

Oh, bugger that!
You were protecting yourself.

And Barney.

I'm sorry, Scarlet,
but no matter how I feel about you,

I cannot and will not
be a party to perjury.

You're on your own.

That much I do know.

Hey.

What are you doing?
Timing.

Timing what?

This claims to be
a current affairs show.

They spent 2 minutes 10
on border protection

and 6 minutes 20
on one of the lesser Kardashians.

Up next, I speak with celebrity
psychiatrist Cassandra Wilson

about what impact this divorce
might have on the family.

I once timed a sex scene
with Salma Hayek.

One of the happiest 1 minute
and 23.5 seconds of my life.

I thought we might go out for dinner.
Oh, I've eaten.

What did you eat?
Twisties.

Can I interest you
in another food group?

Yeah?

Hey, I'm having
a dinner for Fuzz's birthday.

Has he told you he's got
a new girlfriend?

No. How old's this one?

Do I have to pick her up
from an aged-care facility?

She's 17. I've met her once.

She's, um...she's a bit serious,
but she seems gorgeous and cute

and he's super-keen.

Bring Melissa if you like.

Oh, I've told you -
it's not like that.

Did you? I don't remember.

I'm bringing someone.
Who are you bringing?

This guy.

Which guy?

Sally's ex, Roger.
Roger?

So to our son's birthday dinner,

you are bringing the husband
of the woman our son was porking?

Fuzz gets on with him
and he likes Fuzz.

Vampira 2 has cleared off and
he's here looking after their kids.

And I like him.

Oh, you like him.

Yeah, I like him.

Yes. Yeah. I heard you.

What are you...

OK, well, it's nice that
you've got nice new friends.

Hang on. Have you got a problem?

No, I don't have a problem.
Why would I have... No.

There's no problem.

I'll see you there.

Oh.

Yes, are you right there? Do you wanna
throw a little something on?

I'm covered.

Yeah, you're covered
in a way that says,

"I'm naked apart from
this little bit of covering here."

I'm gonna go to bed.

Oh, well...

Did you leave me any Twisties?

You sent me an official invitation -

"The honourable
August and Maria Vargas

"invite you to attend the matrimonial
of their most precious daughter,

"Nicolette Maria St Agnes Magda..."

Yeah, it did not say that

and I only invited you
because I thought you'd say no.

What? Free canapés and booze
and a chance to laugh at your relatives?

Why would I say no?
Please just don't come, OK?

You'll get drunk and you will argue with
my extremely right-wing family

and you'll ruin my special day.

I already RSVP'd. I am there, baby.

I'll be good.
Barney will keep his eye on me.

No, he is not coming.

He's not available.
He won't be there.

What do you mean,
"He's not available"?

Barney never does anything.
Of course he's available.

- "A coward."
- Yes, Your Honour.

"A gutless peddler of smear"?

Yes, Your Honour.

"Unreliable..."
Yes, that too, Your Honour.

"..and untrustworthy."

Indeed, Your Honour, I called
the plaintiff all of those things.

So we're agreed
on the imputations, then.

At least that's some progress.

So, Mr Greene, where do you stand?

Well, Your Honour, I shall
of course be pleading truth.

I see it as my duty
not only to this court,

but to decent society at large

to prove that Mr Potter
is all of those things.

This stinks, you know?

I didn't start it.
Yes, you did!

Mr Potter, you hold
yourself up publicly

to be an honourable and truthful man.

Would that be a fair comment?

I don't know if I do that,

but I like to think of myself
as an honest man.

I see.

Mr Potter, this is a transcript

of a TV interview you gave
on the 'Today Project',

dated the 12th of July this year.

Is that correct?

I suppose so.

Your Honour, if you turn
to the last page,

the interviewer, Ms Polly Nesbitt,
asks the plaintiff - and I quote -

"Have you read the bestseller
'A Thousand Lies I Have Told'

"by the ex-prostitute JM Doolan?

"Word is that half her clients
were Labor Party bigwigs,"

to which you responded,
"I haven't read it."

Later, in response
to another question,

"As I say, I don't know.
I haven't read it, Polly.

"I wish I had more time to read.

"I especially love fiction."

Let me remind you, Mr Potter,
you are under oath here.

Have you read
'A Thousand Lies I Have Told'?

Yes.

Am I correct in assuming

you had read it at the time
of the interview, Mr Potter?

Yes.
I see.

So on national television
you openly lied

to millions of your
fellow Australians?

That poor man. He was
only protecting his privacy.

Can't good people
make the odd mistake

without the whole world
judging them?

We're only human.

That's been my argument
since I was about 13.

No, you used up your quota
of forgivable mistakes years ago.

Ah!

I've called you in today

because I thought we might settle
on an appropriate term

before this wretched trial
commences.

Uh, an appropriate term?

Mmm, yes.

An appropriate one.

An appropriate term
for what exactly, Your Honour?

We're grown men here.

Given the nature of the case,

references will be made
apropos the item in question

and we need to find
a workable term...

Ah!

..one that won't provoke
sniggers in the court.

Right, so no, then,
to 'meat popsicle' or 'pink flute'?

I will not have this trial reduced

to a mindless sideshow
of tawdry innuendo and filth-talk.

Do you hear me, Cleaver?
Absolutely, Your Honour.

All fair seas,
no dingle dangles, no Mr Winkies.

Wouldn't the term 'penis'
satisfy, Dougal?

Ugly word.

I want something that might...elevate
this deeply unpleasant case.

Well, it's a hard one to elevate,
isn't it?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it
to sound quite like it did.

I don't mean to be, uh,
indelicate, Your Honour,

but may I ask how you refer to it
in the home context?

We never do.

Well, sometimes,

but in context of moments
of deep personal interconnection.

Of course.

It's just that I know your wife
to be a woman of delicate sensibility

who would never use
an offensive term.

When discussing matters of hygiene
when the boys were growing up,

she referred to it as a 'whatnot'.

A 'whatnot'?

Yes, a useful pseudonym
that causes few blushes,

but not appropriate here.

Well, my father referred to it
as his 'nonsense', or 'nonny',

although I'm not sure either term
is legal lingua franca.

I'm very comfortable with either.

No, what I propose

is we should refer to it
by its correct Latin name,

the 'membrum virile'.

'Membrum virile'? I don't
think I've heard that one.

It's in 'The Greater Dictionary'.

Ah. Hmm.

I think it's wonderful!

It's readily accessible,
it's inoffensive

and yet in common everyday usage.

Good! Then we are settled.

I remind you gentlemen
this is a most serious charge

and the honour of the court
must not be traduced.

Your Honour.

Oh.
You right there?

Yeah, I copped one
in the membrum.

The Crown will present
detailed DNA evidence

and a tale of a once happy community

falling into hostility and violence

as a result of reprehensible actions
by the accused, Alexander Alford.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I ask you to look at this poor man.

Robert Oakley is
a respected public servant

once charged with building
the Education Revolution

in the primary schools
of New South Wales.

He was a proud man,

but by virtue of the accused
and a pair of garden shears,

he has been separated

from that which traditionally
defines our masculinity.

Bob now can have no more children.

Relations with his lovely wife
will be forever tricky.

This is a brutal, brutal crime

by a man who deserves
your absolute condemnation.

The case against my client you will find
is entirely circum...stantial.

In 100% of cases of the relatively
recent phenomenon of Bobbitting,

the assailant was found
to be a woman -

the victim's lover or wife.

100%.

And yet the Crown would have you
believe that my client,

a decent, hardworking IT lecturer,

was reduced to an act
of animal depravity

on the basis of what?

The Crown will try
to present examples

of squabbles between these families

where things may have gotten
a little out of hand,

but haven't we all known times

when our neighbours
have driven us to madness,

when we may have wanted to drop
a bit of litter on their lawn

or scrawl a commonly used
expletive on a child's slide

or...or urinate in their petrol tank?

But how many here
would seriously think

that this could lead
to the sort of terrible crime

that my client is accused of?

Ladies and gentlemen,
it makes no sense.

The surgeons managed
to sew it back on.

I'm only grateful that I already have
two beautiful children

and a wife who's prepared
to stand by me.

You are a monster!

Please, control yourself.

The police report tells us
that there were traces of Rohypnol

in the bottle of cider
that you drank that night.

That's correct.

Alex knew every night before dinner

I liked my small bottle
of imported English cider.

Presumably, he wouldn't
have been the only person

who would have been
a custodian of that information.

Your wife, among many others,
would have known.

Well, my wife was away
for the weekend

at a golf tournament
when I was attacked.

Tell us, when was the last time
my client was in your home?

Um, maybe 18 months ago.
I see.

So you figure that 18 months ago,

knowing that he was
going to fall out with you,

my client slipped a sleeping draught
in ye olde English cider bottle

and bided his time?

Obviously, he broke in
when I was out.

Oh, I see. So locks were broken?
There were signs of unlawful entry?

No, but he is a computer expert,

so he could've decoded
my security system.

I see.

He could've been the bassoon player
with the Lithuanian Philharmonic,

but he wasn't.

Tell me, always been faithful
to your wife, Mr Oakley?

Yes.
Right.

May I remind you
you are under oath here.

You've never slept with
another woman while married?

No, never. I mean,
Barbara's my rock.

No further questions.
Thank you, Your Honour.

Now, to be absolutely clear,
you spent the night in question

in the company of women
at a golf tournament?

123, to be precise.

That's a lot of witnesses.

Given the number of incidents
you have recounted to this court,

you became fearful of
your neighbour, the accused?

I did. He changed.

Alex was a placid, shapeless man

who used to bore us with the
pros and cons between PCs and Macs

and suddenly he seemed to snap.

It was...

..it was like living
in the Gaza Strip.

You said in your testimony

that you heard Alex threaten to cut off
your husband's membrum virile.

His what?

His membrum virile.

His...whatnot.

Nonsense. Nonny.

His penis, you mean?

Now, what exactly are you claiming
the accused said, Mrs Oakley?

I heard raised voices

and Alex yelling,
"I'll bloody chop your knob off."

So he made no direct
anatomical reference whatsoever,

a 'knob' meaning anything from
a door handle to a node of butter.

Now, tell me, as a trained nurse
of 12 years standing,

how difficult would it be
to apply a clamp after severance?

I think you would need to know
what you were doing.

I thought as much.

You do know that Alex did
several St Johns Ambulance courses?

So they teach that,
do they, at St Johns -

snakebites, CPR,
membrum virile removal?

"Bevan, with all my heart,
I give myself to you,

"knowing our love
will last a lifetime,

"that our long journey together
will be one of discovery

"as we share each other's
dreams and hopes

"and build a future and..."

Barney, can you meet me, please?

Dad.
Ah.

It's really great to see you.

How are you?
Oh, I'm good. Good, mate.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, no, well done, Cleave.

What? It only took you
four reminders this year.

Come on, Mum.

Uh, Dad, this is Tara.

Lovely to meet you, Tara.
You too.

And this is Melissa.
Oh, I read your book.

Oh, how'd you go with it?
I finished it.

Well, I loved it,

although I did wonder about
that childlike, substance-abusing,

backgammon-playing lawyer.

I mean, could anyone be
that dysfunctional?

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Well, it's great
to have both of you here.

Mm, now listen, mate.

I thought you could
probably do with the dough

rather than a boring old present, OK?

Thanks, Dad.

Just don't cash it
before the 17th.

And actually...
Oh, give me a call, OK?

You could use that to buy those books
I was telling you about.

Well,
I'm sure our author here

would be thrilled to hear
you're buying books.

It's a series
and they're all connected.

With each one,
you kind of learn more.

- The plot thickens.
- Hello!

Oh, hey, Rog!
Hey, Rog.

Hello.
This is Tara.

Hey, Tara. How are you? Hey.
Hey.

Um, Roger... Cleaver,
you remember Roger?

Indeedy I do.

I've been looking forward
to seeing you, Cleave.

I've been counting
the hours too, Roger.

Now, from memory, you are
a big Rabbitohs fan, right?

Yeah, no, not really.
I've sort of gone off the game.

Since when?
Oh, I don't know.

Lately it's all just kind of sexual
assault and groin strain these days.

Oh, it's a shame you've gone off it.
Roger consults as an osteopath.

Could have gotten you
free season tickets.

Mmm.

Now...

For you, Fuzz.

Spot's old jumper,
signed and possibly unwashed.

Brilliant. Oh, thanks, Roger.

Oh, man, you can smell
the sweat and blood.

Not forgetting
the lady of the house -

now, you said you liked
authentic kasundi, right?

Oh!
God knows what it's like.

Feel free to chuck it in the bin.
Rog, no.

I find kasundi a little bland
or something. You know what I mean?

It's a bit... Melissa makes her own
harissa relish. Don't you, darling?

No, I don't.

I thought you said you did.
No, you didn't.

Happy birthday,
Fuzz, darling.

Yes, happy birthday, buddy.
Good on you.

Good on you, mate.
Thanks, Roger. Thanks, everyone.

Many happy returns.
Yep.

Well, dig in.

Would you mind before we start?

Mind what?
If we hold hands.

Uh, well, not in principle,
but how am I gonna eat?

It's something I need
to do before each meal, Dad.

To pay respect to his bounty.

Whose bounty, sorry?

Dad.

Ohh.

♪ Jesus is our friend

♪ He's here with us tonight

♪ Let's make him welcome

♪ Show our delight

♪ Jesus is our Lord

♪ Rejoice in his blessing

♪ Jesus is our Lord! ♪

Amen.
Amen.

This looks great.

Well done, Mum.

God Almighty!

Oh, f... Arggh!

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!

Your Honour,
I respectfully submit

the charges against
my client be dismissed.

There is clearly a serial
Bobbitter on the loose.

We now have two...

Uh, I'm sorry. What would
the plural be - 'membri'?

That would be second
declension neuter, yes.

And how appropriate
that it is 'neuter', Your Honour.

What do you have to say
about this, Mr Crown?

Your Honour,
the prosecution wishes to continue.

Are you seriously suggesting
the man de-membrimised himself?

Well, it's possible in order
to escape a lengthy prison term

the accused committed
an act of self-mutilation.

We've already established this man

is prepared to do absolutely anything
in this neighbourhood war.

Your Honour,
rather than torturing my poor client,

we should be out there
advising the good burghers of Concord

to wear protective kit.

No, Mr Greene.

I have heard nothing that warrants
dismissal of this case.

We shall continue Friday.

If your client is unable to attend,

the court will organise
a video link.

He'll make it here.

A couple of ounces lighter maybe,
but he will be here.

So I was thinking I'd start with a lunch
with Kristen at the 'Herald'.

"Awful about that
Cal McGregor rape shit.

"Oh, you didn't know?
Please forget I said anything.

"Is your salad soggy?"

The man hasn't been charged yet.

That's why we leak it.

Publicly, of course,
you say you won't comment,

"Everyone has the right
to the presumption of innocence,

"blah, blah, blah,"

but we get it out there -
otherwise we lose traction.

I think cool heads.

Jesus, David.
You're a bloody killjoy.

This is the first glimmer of hope
we've had

since that last
bowel-cleansing election.

Well, can't we look for hope
in our policies and our people

and our agenda going forward

rather than always
be tearing down other people

on the basis of gutter talk?

What? You are joking, right?

Do you know
who I hate most of all?

Me?

Never you.

Mick Jagger.

The man's spent a lifetime
behaving exactly as he likes -

women, parties, drugs, more women.

I've spent 40 years
trying to have good values,

trying to forge the kind of life

that would lead me
to the position I now occupy.

But if you ask any man -
or any woman, for that matter -

whose life they'd prefer,
his or mine...

He does move well.

40 years.

If only they'd tell you
when you're little,

"Go feral, do as you please.
Everyone will love you for it."

Why wasn't I told?

How many people do you reckon
die paragons of virtue

simply because
they didn't get found out?

Impossible these days.

One foot out of line, a millisecond
later, there you are on YouTube.

Yeah, everyone knows
everyone else's business.

Facebook, Twitter, Linkedln...

Do you know how many phone accounts
we have, David? Seven.

Seven phone bills arrive every month

and I don't want
to speak with anyone.

Oh, fuck them.

Tell them whatever you want.
I don't care.

Time to be a rock star.

David.

I'm really sorry.

I am truly really fucking sorry.

I am so sorry, from the bottom
of my heart. I mean it.

I'm really...I'm really truly sorry.
Thank you.

Things happen and you
don't have any idea why

and you don't mean for them to happen,
but they just happen anyway.

And I'm really not a bad person.
I promise.

I never thought you were.

Oh, God. This is such a bloody mess.

Wedding plans going well, I see?

Mm-hm.

To say I'm surprised would be
selling the truth below wholesale.

I'm in trouble.

The last time I saw you

you told me to get out and said
you never wanted to see me again.

Yeah, I know what I said.

I'm sorry.

Well, are you sorry
or are you in trouble?

Because I'm afraid I'm knee-deep
in penises at the moment.

I think I'm going to go to prison.

Right.

Scarlet
loves you so much, Barney,

and I love Bevan
and I am gonna make this work

and if you love me, then you'll be happy
for me and you won't see me again.

Hang on, hang on.
You said you saw my wife.

Yeah, she confronted me
in Cleaver's room.

She confronted you?

What the hell was she doing
in Cleaver's room?

She came to see me.

She knows and I...I started
crying and it's just all...

Goodbye.

You may not
have a legal problem.

The wheels of justice,
being what they are,

will gradually grind
Cal's victim into the dirt

until she can no longer
remember her own name.

What you do have is a moral problem.

So do I protect this woman
and incriminate myself?

I'm gonna have to ask you
who you were with.

That's not relevant.
Well, you know they'll ask.

David.

David?
Mm.

David Attenborough? David Beckham?

Oh, please, no!

David-not-Harry-sorry... Fuck!

Oh! What is it with this guy?

I open the cookie jar
and he shoves his hand in!

Thanks for that analogy.

You know this little prick

is currently suing me for every cent
I have, the little hypocrite?

That's not my concern. I...
Nothing happened between me and him.

Please, can you just
tell me what to do?

Well, you know what you have to do.

Cal McGregor can't get away with this
no matter what happens to you.

We're gonna have to
go to the police.

And tell the truth?
Not what I said.

Give us your phone.

You see? It's in Arabic.

Three months ago, a stupid joke
played on me at a party.

Guilty.

And it keeps reverting to Arabic
and it has a Muslim calendar.

When I try to adjust it,
the date shifts back a day.

So the meeting that I swore
I was at with Cal McGregor

I now realise was the day before.

If you knew the phone was dodgy

why didn't you double-check the dates
before signing your statement?

Well, she did, but her office computer's
linked to this phone

and so the mistake was carried.

See, that's what
interconnectivity is.

It's basically the same fuck-up
replicated globally.

Thank you.
I feel terrible about this, Scarlet.

No, it's as much my fault, Cleave.

You do realise
it's a very serious offence

to lie on a sworn statement
to the police?

Absolutely she does,

and that's why as soon as she realised
she came straight here.

Well, you're in luck.

It would seem the woman in question

has admitted she can't
be certain of the facts.

The charges have been dropped.

But they...they could be true.

That's what I'm saying.
His alibi doesn't necessarily hold.

It's over.

Consider yourself lucky.

He got to her. If I'd come
forward at the time...

No, no, he would've
still paid her off.

Come on. You're in the clear.

Mm, so I'm respectable again.
Yeah.

That was easy.

God, it's so bloody tenuous.

Wouldn't know.

I've never been respectable,
never had all that far to fall.

I gotta go.

Are you OK?

I have missed you, you know.

Jesus. I'll go.
Thanks. Same. 'Bye.

Alex, you have to tell us
what happened, mate.

Facebook, Twitter, YouTube...

Oh, not me.

Give me Cobalt, give me Pascal,

give me BASIC, Visual Basic,

C any day.

That's the kind of guy I am.

Thought I am.

A trojan got into the system.

That's what happened.
A virus corrupted my system.

All Alannah ever wanted was kids.

And you couldn't have them?

She was desperate,
crying all the time.

The doctors said that she was
an intensely fertile woman,

so the problem had to be me.

So I...I paid that miserable bastard
$15,000 to impregnate her.

Right, so you paid Bob
to artificially inseminate Alannah?

No, she wanted it all to be natural.

She had no time for test tubes.

OK, and how many times would you say
that she and Bob were...natural?

43 times...

..at critical moments in her cycle.

That's quite a lot of natural.

And did his wife know about this?

No, he made it a condition
that she didn't know.

But Alannah didn't conceive?

And he flatly refused
to give us our money back.

He was paid to impregnate her,
not to have sex with her.

We were cheated -

me of my money and her of a baby.

It's like someone turning up
to make your driveway, but...

..not bringing cement.

You realise this has implications,
it gives the prosecution a motive?

I've been lying here
for the last four days

wondering, "If I'd been a Mac guy would
my life have been different?"

Using a UNIX-based system
with a C++ language...

Harder for trojans to get in.

43 times without scoring?

The man should avoid poker.

Doesn't help our boy, though.
Puts him dead in the spotlight.

Barn?

Yeah, they're gonna argue
it was an eye for an eye, so to speak.

I still smell a woman's hand
in there somewhere.

How can we get our hands
on his and Oakley's medical records?

Listen.

Nicole said she saw Scarlet
in your office.

Yeah.
Why?

I think she thinks
that I've been punished enough

and so it's cool
for us to work together.

She said that?
Yeah.

Words to that effect.

See if you can get your hands
on Bob Oakley's medical records.

Alright.

Cough.
Why?

I don't have a cold. Neither does it.

Alright, don't, then.

The swelling seems to be subsiding.

All your tests are back.
Everything's OK.

Should be back to full strength
in a week or so.

Hey, uh, Bern, did you
look at those files I sent you?

I told you, Cleaver,
he's not my patient.

But...let me ask you this.

Does he have a permanent cold?
Nah...

Oh, well, he's always sneezing.
Huh.

Could be silica on the balls.
It makes men infertile.

Well, it can't be that.
He's got two kids.

Ah.

OK, give Daddy a hug. Aww!

Daddy loves you very much.

OK, OK.
Rig, get off.

Rigby, Daddy's not
a well man. Come on.

'Bye, kids!

Come on, Bob. Quick, quick, quick,

'Bye.
Alright, 'bye. Bye-bye.

This all comes down
to my cross-examination.

I need this, Barnyard.

Watch in awe as I rediscover
the source of the Nile.

Mr Oakley, you stated under oath
that you never cheated on your wife.

Do you still hold to that?

Um, in my heart I never cheated.

That's not the organ
we're focusing on here, Mr Oakley.

Let me put the question to you again.

Did you ever place your
membrum virile anywhere near the...

What would the Latin word be?
Um... Oh, of course.

..vagina of another woman?

Specifically, were you not paid
a sum of $15,000

to have sex with Alannah Alford

in order that she might conceive
a much-wanted child?

I'm so sorry, Barbara.

I was only doing it
to help them out.

And, I mean, you...you and I,
we weren't communicating.

You were always off
on a golf course somewhere.

Mr Oakley!

But you weren't really
trying to help them, were you?

You were just trying to fleece them

because you knew very well that
you were incapable of having a child.

What are you talking about?
I've got two children.

Barbara? Barbara?

Excuse me.
Barbara?

Just tell them.
Sorry.

Barbara!

Uh...

I put it to you that once you became
aware of your husband's infidelities

you became hell-bent on revenge.

I suggest that you snuck out
of your golf tournament,

you drove back to the city,
you jumped the neighbour's fence,

you got the garden shears and
you went about your terrible business.

I did nothing of the sort.

I couldn't have cared less
if he had an affair.

I couldn't bear to be with him.

OK, I know my life is just gonna
be a giant internet joke anyway,

so here it is.

Bob, neither child is yours.

I've been having affairs

to break the interminable
boredom of life with you.

Order!

I've been having them for years.

Bob was never a sexual man.

He...he was never
much of a man at all.

I won't have you say that!

Bobby is a sexual dynamo

who made me cross boundaries
that I never thought I could.

You turned to golf

because the tennis girls didn't
trust you with their husbands!

Order!
What are you saying?

Your Honour, I might need
a moment to confer with my client.

And I saw you, Alex.

You were climbing the fence
and holding the shears!

Order!

The next minute, my darling
Bobby had been brutalised.

Well, I finally got some justice!

Mrs Alford!
Alannah, did you...

If you want it back,
try the wild cats' cage at the zoo.

And for the record,
they didn't find it very satisfying.

Your Honour, uh...

Oh, forget it.
Order!

Less the Nile and more shit creek.

So, Barnyard...

..my secretary has, uh, spent
much of the past working week

sobbing into chambers' toilet paper.

Now, normally I'd put that
down to me,

but I do have to ask you, mate -

this mysterious lady

who's been taking you to new horizons
of orgasmic fulfilment,

that wouldn't happen
to be Nicole, would it?

Well done, mate.

Slipped one in before the marriage.

I didn't "slip one in"!
I'm not that kind of person.

Can't you see?

For me to do something like that,
it's totally significant.

It has to be.

Well, you...

Yeah, well, it makes sense.

I mean, your marriage is shit.

Actually, you guys are perfect
for each other. You're bookends.

It's no wonder the sex was great.

Ordinary, normal people
are great at sex.

It's your big trump card.

It's people like me
who are hit-and-miss.

It's not about sex
and it's never going to be.

So just stay out of it.

Uh-huh.
I mean it, Cleave.

I mean it.

Does she make you happy? Barney?

No.

Barney?

She needs to know, mate!

You paid her off, didn't you?

Handsomely.

But whatever you think of me,
I don't rape women.

The person in question was
someone I was having a fling with.

I broke up with her,
she got angry...

I suppose I should
have been more careful.

Excuse me if I don't believe you.

I've handed in my resignation.

Well, for the best.

Let's put it down as
an experiment that didn't pay off.

If you think you're gonna
get away with this,

you've got another thing coming.

Oh, I wouldn't threaten me.

I'm not sure you hold any
of the picture cards, as we speak.

Come on!

The sooner we get this over with,
the sooner I can go back to bed.

Cleaver.
Yeah.

What are you thinking?
I...

Look, I'm just gonna have
a little chat with the bride.

What about?

I'm not convinced
this is such a good idea.

For God's sake. She's wearing white.

There are two women
carrying her train.

It's not the time
for a little chat.

My best mate's happiness
is hanging by a thread, alright?

He just needs a little help.
This is the least I can do.

Nicole!

I bloody told you not to interfere!

I'm...I'm doing this for you, mate.

No, you're not, you're not.

You're not! Cleaver!

Alright.
Alright?

Alright. OK, OK. Let me up. Oh!

Oh, fuck.
Idiot.

You are.
No, you are.

Nicole!

Ohh!

I fucked up your life, mate.
I know I did.

And I feel so terrible about it,
but I can make it right.

I can fix it, alright?

Yeah? Oh, fuck!

Cleaver!
Get fucked!

Oh, yeah?

Oh!
Stop it!

Oh, you said that
you loved her, mate.

You said she was the only thing
that made any sense.

Nicole!

Shut up! Shut up
and listen to me, alright?

I made a mistake.
It was just a root.

I realised I am
that sort of person, OK?

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today in this place

to celebrate the marriage
of Nicole and Bevan...