Original subtitles

(CHAOTIC VERSION OF 'THE BLUE DANUBE' BY JOHANN STRAUSS)

Andre!

Andre!

Hello! How's the future of the family name?

Good.

Did you take care of Michaela, Eric and Mama while I was away?

Yes. They're all dead! I killed them.

Good boy. But don't forget to move your bike away when it stops raining.

Somebody else might get killed.

OK, OK!

Look at you! Look at you.

It's only been three days and you're more beautiful.

Yeah, look, there's two men from the police

that are here to see you, my love.

What about? I don't know.

Some misunderstanding, I think.

Come on to Daddy.

Come to Daddy. Come on.

Mr Dana. Hello.

I'm Detective Turner. This is Detective Bradbury.

Gentlemen. You're welcome in my home.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. I wonder whether we...

I'm a big fan, by the way.

I think I've cooked everything from your 'Clean Taste, Clean Life' book.

Oh! You flatter me.

Yes, there's a certain situation in the Blue Mountains.

Uh, I believe you own a restaurant there.

My husband owns the BEST restaurant there.

I can vouch for that. I've eaten there.

I had the lamb ris-arto with a red wine jus

and my wife had the, uh, schpitz-el.

I have two restaurants - one there and one in Surry Hills.

She still talks about the schpitz-el. Both restaurants have hats.

That's good. They'll have warm heads.

Um, anyway, what we're trying to determine is...

And he's opening another one in Newcastle.

A delicate situation has... Gentlemen, excuse me.

It's been a long drive. May I have a moment to freshen up?

Mmm, of course.

Enjoy.

Mmm! Oh, it's great cake, by the way.

Uh, torte, yes. Mmm.

He uses wild aniseed. Ooh, that'd be it, then.

Have some more. Oh, yes, please.

God! Come on.

Do you cook? Oh, well...

He's bolting.

Ow!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Mr Dana.

You right there?

We're placing you under arrest. What is going on here?

My husband is a saint!

Are you alright?

Sonia, whatever happens,

you know that I love you as much now as I did the day I married you.

You are my light.

Sonia.

What will become of us all, Mr Wizard?

"..abdomen was ruptured by the gunman."

See? I told you. He's a hero.

Says so in caps.

Point-blank range. How did the guy miss?

Looks like he'll be back on his feet

and bankrupting certain tax cheats any minute now.

You're on page five.

"Faces tribunal for a record ninth time.

"Behaviour of such sustained and questionable nature

"drags the legal profession into disrepute."

Oh, does it give an actual date when the legal profession was IN repute?

They're taking bets around here. 5 to 4 they disbar you.

I got in it at 3 to 1.

Ah! I've got a wedding to pay for.

Right, yeah.

Bevan. Bevan.

Where are you going? Time to clear my good name.

Thank you, Kylie. Lovely.

Oh, no, no, no. Thank you. Thanks.

You know Tammy.

Not nearly as well as he should.

He was always with Missy.

Tammy, I need you to go with Cleave for a couple of hours.

Anything in particular that you want me to work on?

Yes, actually. Very particular.

It's not gonna be a pleasant task.

Well, he's brought this on himself. Yeah, exactly.

We don't feel comfortable about this, Cleave.

Very uncomfortable, in fact.

But our hands are tied.

Since when is it a breach of ethics to root a client?

Everyone's doing it. It's hardly news.

"Barrister fucks client. 24 tomorrow, and sunny."

Ninth appearance, mate -

cocaine charges, contempt, unpaid fines.

I know, I know.

And still facing tax charges. Now this.

It's my cock-up and I have to learn to live with it.

I don't blame anyone but myself.

It's good to hear you say that.

We are all accountable for our own actions, hmm?

You're right.

I think both of you know my new assistant, don't you?

Tammy?

Hi, Dennie. Hey, Johnny.

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Whilst not condoning these actions in any way, shape or form...

Not for a moment, no.

..the evidence remains, at best, murky.

And while this committee shares considerable concern

about your eccentricities,

we would be loath...

Most loath.

..to blight a career that has been known for its service to justice.

Barney's in your office.

What, you just let him wander in there?

He has a brief for you.

Why didn't he email it? I don't know. You could ask him.

What, did you bother to inquire

whether he'd made an appointment to see me?

No. No-one makes appointments with you.

It would be a total waste of everyone's time.

You'd forget them.

And even if you remembered, you'd fail to keep them

because you suddenly decided you needed to gamble

or attend some sort of blood sport.

Barney's your best friend and he looks miserable

and I am bringing him a cup of tea.

Miserable? Not angry?

No. Just miserable. Good.

Good.

Here. Barnyard!

Dropping off a brief for you.

Thanks, mate.

Have you seen Scarlet?

Uh, is that a general or a specific question?

Yes, I've seen her. No, I haven't seen her recently.

I've been having my gonads charcoal-roasted.

Oh, God! The committee. I forgot. Sorry.

Don't apologise.

She didn't come home last night.

She hasn't called.

She's probably at her sister's, mate.

Yeah, sure.

Feel like my guts have been ripped out by grappling hooks.

Drink your tea.

What's the name of that mate of yours

that we used on the Collings case, Martin someone?

Oh, no, mate, you don't want a private dick, believe me.

No, Simon Martin. I'll get you his card.

He doesn't need one.

Look, mate, if there is another he, and I can guarantee you there isn't,

he's not the problem.

He'll be a good part of it.

You wanna just go and have a look at my appointments for the day?

Just talk to her, mate.

In a general way. Don't get bogged down in detail.

What if she has found someone better? Kinder?

More giving?

Able to properly love her?

I can guarantee you she hasn't.

I didn't want to involve you.

But you've known us both forever.

You know what she means to me.

Barnyard, she'll come back, mate.

Yeah.

Here's that brief.

You'll love this one.

A couple of silks were sniffing all over it,

but I guaranteed them that you were the only man in Sydney to handle it.

Hey, Cleave. Tell us what's happening, mate.

Oh, guys, just here for a cheeseburger.

Come on, mate. We've been here all day.

Ah, Cleave Greene to see George Dana.

I look into my Sonia's eyes. What do I see?

I see the small village I used to go for holidays with my family

in the Tyrolean mountains.

Table number six!

There was a softness there, but there's also fire.

Never mistake her softness for an absence of passion.

She's a very passionate woman.

Our lovemaking is as joyous

as it can only be when a couple has truly committed to each other.

But therein lies the rub, doesn't it?

More rosemary. Yeah, I suppose.

You are up on bigamy charges.

It's because at the same time as being married to the Tyrolean Village

for 11 years,

you've also been married to Monique Charver for six years.

Six very, very happy years, let me tell you that much.

Monique is like a truffle.

Table number seven!

She's so hard to find. So...so delicious, you know?

I'm sure she is.

But she's a very pissed off little truffle at the moment, isn't she?

Oh, I guess I have made both my wives so sad.

Is that duck?

Yeah.

And keep moving!

Here he comes. Here he is.

Hey, Mr Potter. Hello, Mr Potter.

Hello. I want you beside me.

No, no, no. This is your moment.

Are you enjoying your hero status?

I don't really consider myself a hero.

I just did what any normal person would do, given the situation.

Would you do it again? Yes, I would do it again.

Yes, uh, thank you very much. Nurse!

Did you enjoy your stay in the hospital?

No, I'd rather stay in a hotel next time, I think. Thank you.

Thank you, Mr Potter. Thanks.

I'm married to each one of them separately in my heart.

Each one of them is an equal part of my life.

That's still equally against the law.

This rabbit business - fantastic.

Stufato. Hmm?

An apprentice could do it.

How have you managed to conceal this for six years?

No-one ever asked.

I have two restaurants, a new one coming. I'm always between them.

Is there a chance you might've thought that your first marriage

was technically not a marriage?

No. Why?

Why didn't you just divorce the Tyrolean Village?

I gave her a solemn oath before God.

Then why didn't you take the truffle as your mistress?

She wanted a proper marriage,

in a proper church, with all the trimmings.

No, no, no! No, no.

Monique is a devout Catholic.

I have a suspicion that bigamy isn't a big winner with the Pope.

My understanding was that he prefers marriage over infidelity.

Well, the law in this country prefers infidelity.

Did either wife have some sort of life-threatening illness

that would've been exacerbated by divorce?

Both exceptionally fit women.

Listen, you can go to prison for this.

No way!

I cannot go to prison.

I have responsibilities to my wives, my children, my restaurants...

George, you're a chef. Throw me a bone.

I love them.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Law takes a very dim view of love, mate.

I'm gonna need some happy snaps of you and your kids.

As many as you've got.

How do I face them?

This is huge.

How are you guys off for lightly chillied soft-shell crab

nestled on a bowl of pernod-infused buckwheat noodles?

Move in with me.

What?!

David, you're crazy. You hardly know me.

No, I wanna be surrounded by female skin unctions

and pantihose over the shower rail.

And photos - you know, I don't even know what your family looks like.

They look like everyone else's family.

Not if they had you as a daughter.

I'll stay until you're well. No promises.

A wound like this could take a lifetime to heal.

It was a mistake.

Really?

Hmm.

And here I was saying to myself what a well-thought-out plan it was.

I'm sorry.

I was there too.

Why do we always come back to this place?

We had our chance a thousand years ago at uni and we blew it.

No, actually, YOU blew it.

And the last time we made love...

You weren't married to Barney.

Yeah, but I was in a relationship with someone else.

I could put that down to having a cement bag of coke up our nostrils.

But last night was different.

So that's how we evaluate romance now, is it?

The ability to have sex without drugs?

Hmm. Maybe it is.

Cleaver, I do really want...

Barney is the only decent man I know. We cannot do this to him.

I'm not in love with Barney.

You have to be in love with him.

You must.

And even if you're not, try.

Because he...he fucking loves you

and 93% of the world lives with people they don't even care about.

Are you sure this is what you want?

I won't forget last night.

Please try.

Remember that bloke at our wedding?

I think he was your cousin.

He removed his teeth and whistled 'I Did It My Way'.

Joel. He was a bit simple.

Joel.

And everyone laughed at the poor bastard.

Except you.

You got up and you sang right along with him.

Is it really so awful living with me?

I'm dying here, Barney.

I want a different life.

I want a... I want a break from the law.

Maybe go back to my painting.

Eight months ago, we made love in a riverbed in the Northern Territory

and you said this was the happiest you'd ever been.

Did I?

Are you sure you aren't just constructing all this in your head

to give you a reason to leave

so you can run off and have your little affair?

Mum, Mum!

I got three gold stars for spelling 'tyrannosaurus'.

Can you spell it?

Uh...uh, T...

No, I-T.

Oh!

3:30 in the morning, I'm watching this doco on the nature channel.

Right, so I take it the sleeping thing's still not happening for you?

I just bought this knife that can cut through frozen meat and cars

and you never have to sharpen it.

And I'm thinking, rather than watch another infotainment program,

spend another 195 bucks on another useless piece of shit,

probably safer to watch the nature channel.

Do you want to sit down? No, I'm fine.

And, um, they're playing this doco on chimpanzees

which are, according to this show, 98.7% us.

There's this 1.3% genetic disparity

that has something to do with our ability to program DVD players.

But essentially, they are us and we are them.

OK.

Do you know how chimps live?

The females hang about in a circle picking fleas off each other

and worrying that young Bobo's getting in with the wrong crowd

and wishing their anal skin was as red and swollen as Hilda's.

Do you know what the males are doing?

Boring the crap out of their ex-wives?

They're waiting for the babes to go on heat.

And when they do, it is war.

The alpha male tries to beat the betas off,

but in the end, he either manages to

or someone better-looking takes over the pack

and the betas just go back

to watching the females pick fleas off each other.

OK, I'm guessing, buried beneath all this,

is some epiphany on your part.

We don't live how we're meant to.

This is why humankind is in so much trouble.

Fuzz, your father's here!

You marry and are expected to stay faithful to one woman

for the rest of our lives,

no matter how earth-shatteringly dull that might be.

But 98.7% of our DNA's telling us we're morons.

There's 1.3%, the DVD-programming part,

telling us we're doing the right thing.

Did something happened this week?

I fucked my best friend's wife.

You fucked Scarlet?!

Oh, shit, Cleaver! How could you?

I didn't really mean to.

Oh, God! Poor Barney. Poor Scarlet!

Oh, well, I didn't do it by myself.

Why on earth would you do a thing like that?

I think my percentage chimp DNA is higher than others.

O Heaven, that such companions thou'ldst unfold

And put in every honest hand a whip

To lash the rascals naked through the world.

Terrific.

You can remember Shakespearean quotes

but you need Mum to remind you when my birthday is.

Why do you think that is?

So you get a present.

How's the new love of your life? She's great.

She's in your English class, yeah?

Yep. She's into Shakespeare too.

Hmm. Hence the sudden interest. Maybe.

So....."To understand the character of lago,

"first you need to define a bad man."

Alright.

Someone who...

Someone who wilfully, with premeditation

and clear understanding of their actions

and the weight of their consequence

commits injury anyway.

Good. That's exactly what lago does.

Ruins Othello's life

and the whole time he's pretending he's his best mate.

Who is this prick?

No, lago's a much more complex character than that.

His reasons are psychological and nuanced.

No, he just wants something that's not his, and fuck everyone else.

No, that's a stupidly reductive reading of the script, my friend.

You're an hour late for school. Come on.

Mmm, mmm.

Oh.

Mmm, mmm.

Ah! It's building.

Have you spoken to Sonia, the first wife?

Doesn't wanna know. Subpoena her?

Try and have a chat first.

Wife number two wants to melt his balls and wear them as earrings.

You can't blame her.

Why don't you go and lavish wife 1

with some of the old Barnyard charm, huh?

I have to go and see judgie in chambers.

Why? Social catch-up.

What the fuck is this I hear about you intending to plead not guilty?

Bigamy is an offence of strict liability, Cleave.

There's no defence to it unless a spouse shoots through.

Is that the case here? Not that I'm aware.

So?

My hands are tied, Jim. My client wants his day in court.

No, he wants another week in the press.

He knows public sympathy is building.

Don't let him do it, Jim. He has no grounds.

I do. Crimes Act, section 52.

"Whosoever steals rocks, stones, soil, sand or clay

"from private or government land

"is liable to six months in prison."

Under this statute, my son should be doing hard labour

for nicking a cup of igneous rocks up at Noosa.

Oh, you've been putting it up your nose again, haven't you?

The laws pertaining to bigamy are just as absurd and just as outdated.

I hate to have to break this to you, Cleaver,

and I know it doesn't accord with your world view,

but the fact that you don't like a law isn't a defence.

De facto relationships now carry equal weight under law.

So do gay relationships.

So what does this mean?

That a gay guy with a couple of long-term partners

or a businessman who installs his mistress in a flat up the Cross

should be similarly be charged with bigamy?

We could fill the jails overnight.

That's a separate issue. Jim, don't let...

That... It... Meg, it's the same issue.

Didn't you hear our esteemed Attorney-General on the radio last night?

He was forced to admit that there are probably hundreds of polygamists

in this State right now.

They're not being prosecuted. Why?

Because the vast majority of them are Muslim.

And so the wives don't or can't complain

and the powers that be turn a blind eye.

Well, that's a cultural issue.

Oh, so culture's now a defence, is it, Jim? Great!

Well, if my client turns out to be a Mormon, then...

Oh, don't go there, Jim. It's bullshit.

Jim, Jim, Jim.

Bigamy turns out to be a crime

only when one of the wives cracks the shits.

OK? It's petty vengeance at best.

I'm telling you, for once in your miserable life, show some ticker.

Your argument has some merit, Cleave.

Oh, you are a weak, weak man, Jim!

18 years I spent married to that cow!

Now, try not to make a mockery of my ruling when this hits court

or I'll crucify you.

Jim...

Sonia Dana?

My name's Barney Meagher. I'm a lawyer assisting your husband.

I clearly did not love him the way he needed to be loved.

I failed him. I drove him into the arms of another woman.

I'm sure you didn't. You've got every right to feel angry.

Look, if your husband goes to prison,

it's...it's your children who will suffer.

I am aware of that.

I'm...I will help him in whatever way I can.

That's very good of you.

I've always known in my heart I wasn't meeting his needs.

Hmm. You sense it, don't you?

That gnawing sensation way down inside.

You hope you're wrong, but...

..you know you're not.

Never know when they're going to hurt us or how to stop it.

When you love, you're a prisoner.

When you love and you're not loved back, it's hell.

I tried so hard to make George happy.

I supported her when she dropped out of law for a year.

Paid for her art classes.

I paid for his first restaurant.

Yeah, you could buy them India. Wouldn't mean a damn thing.

Nothing.

So are you the same with both wives?

I suppose not.

Sonia likes me to be the dominant one

and Monique prefers me quiet and supportive.

Which is most you?

Different women bring out different things.

Remember, in the end, you are what women want, no?

How'd you make out with the Tyrolean Village?

She's on side. She's a lovely, warm woman.

Very vulnerable. Yeah, yeah, but on side?

Yeah.

Your Honour, Mr Dana knowingly and with full appreciation

of the penalties involved,

contravened section 92 of the Crimes Act

by choosing to marry two women and raise two separate families

at the same time.

He hid this arrangement from both women

and fully intended to maintain this lifestyle

until one of his wives discovered the truth.

The defendant has committed a devastating and fundamental

breach of trust

that has destroyed the lives of two families.

One shudders to think of the impact such deceit will have

upon the lives of six innocent children.

Mr Greene.

Ladies and gentlemen, our Crimes Act is littered with offences

that are meaningless today.

It is an act that was promulgated in 1900.

Now, admittedly, there have been many amendments since.

But still, in many sections,

it reflects the fundamental hypocrisies

that were inherent in Victorian Britain.

Things have changed, ladies and gentlemen.

And in an age where morality is a peculiarly individual matter,

Mr Dana has committed no real crime.

Mrs Dana...the Second,

did you marry George Dana on August 30, 2004?

I did.

Were you aware that George was already married at the time?

Of course not.

No further questions.

Uh, my client has treated you very shabbily, hasn't he?

We stood at the altar before God and my parents.

And George promised that he would be true to me forever.

And then what?

A friend sang 'Wing Beneath My Wings'.

I meant more AFTER that.

Uh, he was violent, wasn't he?

No. Never.

He's a very gentle man.

Really? But mentally cruel?

He was my fairytale prince.

And now he's destroyed everything that we've worked to build.

Which was what, again?

A wonderful life together, children, our home.

Sorry, which one of these has George failed to deliver on, Mrs Dana?

I mean, you have the house, three lovely children.

If you so choose, you can still have a life together.

He has another entire family.

So to understand, if you had remained ignorant

of the existence of the other wife and children,

you would still be deliriously happy?

He's deceived me.

Isn't it entirely possible that when he was with you,

he was being completely sincere?

And when he was with the other Mrs Dana,

he was also sincere?

You can only be sincere with one person.

Oh.

That's a Catholic thing, isn't it?

Your Honour! I withdraw it.

No further questions. Thank you, Your Honour.

With Your Honour's indulgence...

You want more?

I have written down on these cards

questions lifted directly from

Scott Knowles's 'Guide to Being a Great Dad'.

Um...

Mr Dana, what is your second child's favourite toy?

From my first marriage?

Let's start there.

Michaela.

A little donkey she calls Mr Jasper.

And from the second? Roman.

His favourite toy is Peter Patch - the elephant.

Right.

Tell me about the favourite sport

of your youngest son from your first marriage.

Eric. Eric is soccer mad.

Every Saturday, I have to take him to the game.

Then I go to the Blue Mountains

to take my eldest daughter to her basketball

and then I have to hurry back to Surry Hills

to take my little one to her evening ballet class.

Your Honour!

He's a model father in all but one minor respect.

He loves his children, he loves his wives.

He was doing it all for his own gratification.

How can circumnavigating the bloody continent three times a week

in supporting six children, two houses and two wives

be for your own gratification?

He was just trying to escape the inevitable boredom

that comes with a long-term marriage.

We certainly know about that.

You've just summarised the position of the law, Meg.

Due to some hairshirt, Calvinist tradition

or premature bottle-feeding,

you believe that all people should suffer through marriage until death.

No reprieve, just jail for anyone who gives in to the inevitable boredom.

There is a small get-out-of-jail clause called divorce.

Thank... He didn't want to divorce them.

He loves them.

Let's adjourn for the day.

I might have more energy for this tomorrow.

I doubt it.

There is someone else.

Keep your shirt on, Barn...

She admitted it.

Shit. OK.

Did she say who?

No.

Good.

I mean, good that you've opened up a line of communication, huh?

She said she loves someone else and she needs to find herself.

Why in times of crisis do women speak fluent cliché?

You OK?

I locked myself in the study.

Put on some Diamond.

Tried to take stock of my life.

Are you sure she's not leaving you because of your musical taste?

You don't even know how to get depressed properly.

Can we go out for a drink?

Please.

There's a hint of passionfruit in this.

Bit too sweet.

Oh, fuck, mate. It's not a bloody wine-tasting.

We're supposed to be getting shit-faced here

and weeping about the futility of existence.

I'm the only one holding my end up.

I'm used to being positive.

Well, try not to be, OK?

You brought me to this bloody lawyers' bar

full of men with irritable bowel syndrome.

Let's go...let's go... let's go somewhere

where I feel a bit more like a gynaecologist, yeah?

Scarlet hates the routine.

She hates how ordinary our life has become.

I love our little walks around Bronte, our lunches at the pub.

Why does everyone want a big life?

Oh, no!

I told you it was a lawyers' bar.

She even admitted he was hopeless. An indulgent, tragic, middle-aged failure.

Right, well, there you go.

I suppose it could just be the sex.

She said he wasn't even all that good in bed.

I just don't get it.

Ah, Cleaver. Ah!

Barney, you remember Melissa. Yep.

Barney. Hi, Cleaver. Hello, Melissa.

Don't you just love this place, huh? Our kind of crowd.

We have a booking. Table for six. Potter.

Is Scarlet here? If you two'd like to join us...

She's having an affair.

Right. I'm sorry.

Don't think I meant to say that out loud.

Hope it all works out.

How are you, Cleaver? I'm tickety-boo.

Good to see you, mate. Call you. Thanks, mate.

Can we get a double vodka martini

and a passionfruit whip for my father here.

Can we put it on their table, please? We're with them.

So here I was, six - I was on one train going to Orvieto

holding the wrong man's hand,

whilst my parents were on the train to Florence with the wrong daughter.

Good Lord! It's Clark Kent!

No, it's Superman.

G'day, Norton.

How is my wounded hero?

It's just a kryptonite flesh wound.

Oh!

I believe you know everyone here except for Melissa.

My, uh...well, the love of my life.

Hello, Melissa.

David has certainly kept you a secret.

So how's that ATX thing going?

Ooh, it's a bloody goldmine. I swear, there's another house and pool in it.

It'll run for another 18 months at least. Excuse me.

What are you drinking, sweetheart?

Fuck off, Norton.

Please. Someone's gonna come in.

You know I'm heartbroken.

You left the club without a boo

and I had to find another girlie to tag team.

I'm out of it for good. Oooh.

Please, I beg you. Don't say a word to David.

So the whole time you were dining out

on the supreme justice here,

you were thinking of studying law.

Well, I had to do something to keep me awake.

No, no, no, no, no.

Mmm. Let's grab a cubicle. Come on.

I'll give you 10 bucks. You give me some oral.

Mates rates.

Because I am a mate of David's

and we don't want to stuff his evening.

If you're here for marriage advice, don't do it.

It's an invention by 12th-century legislators to deal with progeniture.

I'm in trouble. It's a long queue.

I don't have anyone else.

What happened to Harry... sorry, Hero Potter?

I can't tell him. He can't know.

I'm sorry. How does this work?

You piss me off. You tell me you don't want me in your life anymore...

I had this school friend,

and she met Robert at a party when she was 23

and they talked together all night.

And then as the sun came up, he proposed to her on the spot

and she said yes.

I've been there. Spiked punch.

And now they have three kids and they're always laughing and...

Oh, fuck it, Cleave.

They just love each other.

I mean, is it so wrong for me to just want that?

And that's what you have with David...sorry, Harry?

Will you please help me?

Sonia Dana, despite all that's happened,

do you continue to love your husband?

Yes, I do. Very much.

Would you say he's been a good father to your children?

He's a fine father.

They love him, he loves them.

And he's always provided adequately?

He's a generous man - always. We're very comfortable.

And so when it comes time for the judge to hand down his sentence,

what would you like that outcome to be?

Seven years in prison.

So even though...

I beg your pardon? Yes.

I thought long and hard about what you said, and you were right.

I was blaming myself for not fulfilling his desires.

So... That will be all.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Your Honour, Mrs Dana the First is a defence witness.

Surely my learned friend would like to hear her complete testimony?

Yes. Proceed, Mrs Dana.

We can only give what we have.

And I gave that.

And you abused it.

You're too greedy, George.

You expect too much.

Thank you.

Ms Makepeace?

No questions, Your Honour. Mr Greene has done superbly.

George Dana is in most respects a model husband.

Only twice.

The reality is if Mr Dana had married his first wife

and just decided to have a squalid, shabby affair with Monique,

he would not be before us today.

Indeed, he could've still had kids with his second great love,

he could've bought a house with her -

the law would take no umbrage.

But because Mr Dana chose to do the honourable thing,

the thing that both women wanted, which was to marry them,

Ms Makepeace now wants to incarcerate him.

We have shown Mr Dana to be... Uh, Your Honour.

Sorry to interrupt the Sermon on the Mount.

Some information has just come to hand

that has great relevance to this matter.

Three wives?!

Didn't you think when you were charged, this fact might emerge?

I was hoping it wouldn't.

I don't know if there's a law for trigomy.

Bugger me!

I had the judge right here. Right here!

Who is she? I met her in Newcastle.

Oh! The new restaurant, yeah?

Her name is Juno. She's like a juniper berry.

She's got a sharp flavour, but with sweetness also.

I don't care if she carries a seed pod on her back.

Stop marrying people!

I love these women.

Yeah, well, now you're gonna have to learn to love men in showers.

I have no idea how to save you.

How did Security ever let you in?

Need a minute of your time, mate.

You can't afford it, sunshine.

If you want to make an appointment, speak to my girl.

I don't do appointments.

Alright, Cleaver, what's this about?

Our mutual friend Melissa.

Who? Oh, the slut.

You don't know her, you've never met her,

you know nothing about her past, OK?

Let her get on with her life.

She's earnt that. It's no skin off your nose.

Don't tell me we have feelings for the slut too?

My God. First David, now you.

I promise you I will drag you down to my level,

and not even I want to live there.

Cleaver, I eat miserable, sad failures like you on an hourly basis.

I will do with Miss Missy whatever I fucking well feel like!

Are we clear on that front?

These damn lift doors. Been warning him about this.

I'm unchaining you.

You can have your precious freedom.

I think we should... No, no, go.

Soar like an eagle.

I still have feelings for you.

I doubt you ever have.

Oh, no, that's not fair. That is so not fair.

I've always stood by you.

And I've never given you a bloody reason not to.

OK, you're angry.

You're hurting and you're lashing out. I get that.

But we need to try to protect what we have here.

I've been going through your artwork.

'Allegorical Woman Ill'.

It's only allegorical because you couldn't make it look like a woman.

Honey, you're just demeaning yourself now.

You'll regret this in the morning. No.

I regret not saying it earlier.

Your art is crap.

You have no discernible talent.

The idea you can give up the law to paint...

..it's laughable.

Oh, hell!

Just put my foot through Allegorical Woman's breast.

Or is that a foot?

Let's not delude ourselves here.

George Dana has no regard for his many wives, children

or for the moral laws that underpin our society.

There are no mitigating circumstances.

Mr Greene passes this crime off

as a piece of trivia, an anachronism,

a statute from the Palaeozoic era.

Why? Because it doesn't suit him.

If we were all allowed to break laws that we disagree with,

society would be in chaos.

We could not enter into an agreement or transaction of any kind

with any certainty.

Promises made under oath matter.

It is not enough to say, "I don't like the law."

Mr Dana has proven himself to be a liar and a criminal.

Mr Greene.

Oh! Oh.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Uh...

If I wasn't dozing off, I think I may have heard

Ms Makepeace suggest that marriage is an institution

that underpins our society.

But she's wrong.

One in two marriages now end in grief.

Here.

Five women's magazines picked at random.

"Brad - the affair I had to have."

"Halle - I want him back."

Marriage is now a sport. It's not an institution.

May I?

The truth is George Dana, ladies and gentlemen,

is a man from a bygone era.

He's a man who still holds steadfastly

to the idea of honour and commitment

to those he loves.

He didn't set out to break up the institution of marriage

or to hurt these women.

He stills believes in it.

He may be its last true champion.

His sole purpose was to make these women happy.

And it still is.

Jail terms for rapists, murderers, paedophiles,

but not for George Dana,

a man who simply loved too much.

We find the defendant...

..guilty.

I agree with the prosecution when they argue

that Mr Dana was aware of the law

and knowingly deceived three decent women.

Finally some spine.

..also find merit in Mr Greene's argument

that the penalties under the law

greatly outweigh the impact of the crime.

I believe Mr Dana did love his wives,

that he did knowingly break the law.

Worse, he lied to this court

by not declaring a third wife.

And thus he proves himself again a person of unreliable character.

I'm giving Mr Dana a three-year sentence.

Yes!

But I'm going to suspend all but three months of that sentence...

Weak, weak man.

And he must immediately divorce at least two of his wives.

Try not to marry anyone while you're inside, will you?

My God, you were so pretty.

You look like your mum.

You can tell she was Spanish, though.

You have changed a bit around the cheeks and the chin.

It was taken near Cozumel in Mexico.

Mum and Dad were a bit merry.

We'd all been laughing and swimming

and collecting seashells together.

Well, they're here now and welcome in our home.

Even after a hundred hours...

..you name it, there is almost no surface the G-Force drill bit can't penetrate.

Forget wasting hours sharpening dull and rusty drill bits

when one set of pristine G-Force bits...

Hey.

You're still up.

Do you know they got this drill bit that never needs sharpening?

Even after a hundred hours into metal?

Listen, I don't know what you did or said, but thank you.

Oh, I just had a friendly chat.

And I think, um... I think Norton felt really bad.

David is a good, good warm-hearted man who loves me.

All this and a tax lawyer!

And I know I can be happy with him.

But I don't know why, when things turned to shit,

I came to you and not him.

..once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...

Think I'm gonna buy this drill.

..three sets of G-Force drill bits...

Goodnight.