All language subtitles for Light.Up.2024.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

We are here. - We are here.

Here, it's time. - What y'all gonna do?

What we gonna do, about to blow it out the water.

Anybody watch "Poltergeist", right?

"Follow the light, Carol Ann,
just follow the blue light."

You're actually gonna come out here and then here,

and you're gonna try to find that blue light.

You remember this outfit, right?

No, that's dope, that's dope.

Gonna bring that back up.

Yeah, yeah, it's breaking up. See, that's good.

Thank y'all, each and every one of y'all.

I got y'all, and I do everything I do in service.

I didn't think fashion could be in Atlanta,

but I'm getting ready to tell them that it is,

and we're about to show them right now.

Okay, I'm gonna let you finish first.

All right.

Me living in my authentic self,

I believe that that is why other doors have opened

for me to do so many amazing things,

that even to this day.

Advantages are often disguised as adversities.

I think it is what built my superpower

to become this person that was relentless.

That's Octavius.

He's a part of Atlanta space of
Black same gender loving men

and trans women, which we simply call the community.

I'm one of your hosts.

I want you to be open, be vulnerable, just be you. Action.

Along with Maurice.

Gee, I'm looking forward to our conversations.

And Michael. - Now I feel better.

And we're gonna be telling

the individual stories of five
members of the community,

the moments that shaped them-

I came up in an emotionally abusive environment.

But the Black gays was upset, baby.

The issues that affect them.

As a transgender woman, you know when you're a woman.

And how they light up the world.

Only at 40 years old was when I truly accepted myself.

Having that community of somebody to go to

in your full self, everything.

You've already met Octavius. - Hi.

But we're also going to be hanging out with Obio.

People identify how they identify.

Derek Jae. - About damn time.

Ben. - Hand clapping, toe tapping.

And Simone. - Y'all trying

to get me loose?

As a Black trans woman, you do not see this.

So sit down, kick back,

and enjoy the journey of "Light Up."

Hello. - Hey.

How are you doing, my friend?

Bueno. - Mine, cool.

I worry that I have on,

last night was the launch of it, actually.

My launch with a New York
company out of a New York company

by the name of Nate Ken.

Actually these are the
Buckheads, named after Atlanta.

I'm gonna hand you over to my new friend.

What's going on, man? - AJ.

How you feeling?

You know we already know each other, right?

He's bringing all the fashion to Atlanta.

So on behalf of the LGBTQ+ family-

It's a lot, right? - It's, I age-

See, I'm 50 years old, we didn't call it all that.

You know, when I was growing up we just did that,

you know, the. - You were a bit-

All those letters, like yeah.

Let me get comfortable, yes.

What was your childhood experience like

growing up in Atlanta?

My childhood experience growing up

in Atlanta, I would say it was a mix.

I had a deep connection with my parents

and my family and my friends.

I remember the first time I started to realize

that I was different, my neighbor who was my friend,

feeling this connection, and like,

this warm fuzzy about somebody,
and having a crush on him

because that was different

than I experienced with anybody else.

And asking him, "Do you like boys or do you like girls?"

That was the thing.

And he was like, "You know, of course I like girls."

He said, "What do you like?" "I like girls too."

And then it was at that moment that I found out

that that warm fuzzy feeling
that I had for him was wrong.

Just remembering, going to kindergarten,

having to mask who I was,

'cause it wasn't, quote unquote, right.

How did it feel that you had to hide that,

and you couldn't share that,

and had to keep that to yourself?

How did that feel?

Let's digress a little bit.

So when I talk about traumatic experiences,

I think about being two years old.

I grew up in the projects of Carver homes.

There was a little boy that was older than me

that made me ride this plastic motorcycle

into like these bushes, you know?

And like, put me on the ground and this, sorry.

Take a moment.

Remember this motorcycle,

because I had to go back home.

It's okay, it's all right. - It's okay.

I guess now I realize that it was, you know,

I was molested like at two years old.

And it wasn't about being molested, but it was because

I literally had peed in my clothes,

and having to go back home,

and so I wouldn't get in
trouble for peeing in my clothes.

This is the first time I ever talked about it.

But Mom noticed, and I think that that is something

that was a part of me that whole time.

I just remember going to kindergarten,

and the teacher said that,

"You should bring something in for show and tell."

And I drew this guy with a penis,

and I was gonna take that to school for show and tell.

And I showed my mom, and I got in trouble for that.

It was like, "Don't you ever," like,

"Where you getting this from?"

So that's why I knew at five years old,

when I had a crush on my neighbor,

I was already being very sexual at that point.

And just seeing that, and trying to hide that piece.

Simone, hi.

Give me a hug, how you doing?

Give us some Peterson, walk, walk, walk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a whole style of you.

Simone Tisci, I wanna introduce you to Maurice.

Let's hug, yes, yes, I love it.

So we're gonna be doing a little bit more

in-depth interview here.

Just T the P, trust the process.

T the P, be blessed. - He's in the house.

Period, duh.

Growing up Omaha, Nebraska honestly,

it's actually a lot hooder than people may think.

It's ghetto as fuck.

My father, don't really know him,

but his relationship with my mother

was very abusive and toxic,
and we ended up in Nebraska

to get away from that situation.

I was abused.

My mother was getting ready to take us to daycare,

and I peed on myself, and she's like, "Oh, shit."

Like, "Hurry up and go get your ass in the shower."

And turned the water on, she didn't look,

but then she walked out, oh she's going to get the belt.

So I immediately stepped in the tub.

The water was so hot, it like
burned my feet immediately,

to the point to where it looked like bacon, burning.

And I remember them carrying me out,

and we went to the hospital.

I went straight into surgery, so I remember

them cutting the skin off.

They had to freeze the towel off.

I remember all that vividly,
because it was so traumatic.

And I could see out the little hole in the door,

my mother was out there, "I wanna see my baby."

Like, I just remember her
saying that, she kept saying it.

And then two police officers
walk up, and they arrested her.

At the age three, I remember, that was the first time

I got put into the system.

So my first foster mother was an old woman

that was obsessed with dolls, and I felt like

I was in heaven, 'cause like,

I used to wanna play with the girls' stuff,

but in my family, you know, they was hood.

I wasn't allowed to do any of that.

So I had to sneak and play with my sister's stuff.

But I remember her dressing me up.

I remember the dress exactly.

I had like a dress just like Minnie Mouse.

♪ Welcome to my new boutique ♪

It was like a red dress with white polka dots,

and she put me in some little Annabelle heels.

So she made me into a doll at three years old.

I felt like I was supposed to feel.

I don't even know who the lady is, but thank you.

My grandmother had a friend, she saw me in the store

with my foster mother, and got a picture,

and sent it to my mom, and my mom like freaked out.

So they took me from her home.

Hello. - Hey.

How are you, my friend?

I'm good, how are you? - Nice to see you. Michael.

Good to meet you, Benjamin Carlton.

Absolute pleasure, give me a hug, my friend.

Here you go, my friend. - Thank you.

Made by myself. - You made it?

Yes sir. - Really?

With fresh-pressed fruit,

and made with love from Michael's mix.

Okay, it's love for me. - Yes, it tastes like love.

Your love, it tastes like your love, I'll take it.

Yes.

Made... Whoo.

This is gonna be an interview, okay.

How's you're spirit feeling? - Spirit's feeling good.

Yeah? - Uplifted.

I mean, when two or three are gathered.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh ♪

I do a whole players dance, don't play with me.

Everyone knew I was gay,

probably when I came out the womb.

When the doctor hit me, I said, "Do it again."

Growing up in Philly, I didn't know what gay was,

I just knew what I was.

I knew being gay was wrong when I kissed

one of my guy friends in kindergarten,

and all the kids bust out,

"Ooh, you're nasty, you're gross."

And I'm like, "What did I do?"

I come from a very large, loving family

full of comedians.

My parents tried their best to raise a queer son

in the hood with acknowledging that he was queer,

and trying to suppress it.

I put on my sister's wedge patent leather shoes,

and I come prancing out the room.

My mother's name is Gilda, and somebody said,

"Ooh Gilda, look at Ben," and the look on her face,

I had never seen before.

She looked frightened, she looked angry,

and she just gripped me up by the hand

and smacked me back in the room.

And I knew that putting on girls clothes was wrong.

And because I was a mama's boy,

and I'm also a people pleaser,

I just wanted to do everything right.

I mean, if you ask most people, I was the perfect child.

Ask all my teachers, I was the perfect student.

Like, I aimed to please.

The spanking wasn't the issue, that didn't hurt me.

It was making my mom sad that hurt me.

It shaped me masking who I really was

for the next 29 years of my life,

just to make people in my environment happy.

So I couldn't be myself.

I was smiling, big happy kid, but was I really happy?

We left Atlanta, we went to Oklahoma,

and I was the only little Black boy in the school.

I picked up the vernacular, and then we had to move

back to Atlanta, into the city of Atlanta.

It's a culture shock, you go from there

to being bullied now about the way I talk,

because I lived in Oklahoma

and my demographic was all white.

Now I'm being bullied about how I look, my skin color,

my hair, the was I dressed, was super, super skinny.

And then androgynous, the
word faggot started coming up,

because I was prim and proper.

"Boys don't do this, boys don't do that.

"Man up, be a man." Hello I'm trying, I can't.

In first grade at basketball camp

I was very short with a big head, and I was trying

to throw the ball in the basket and could never get it.

And so the coach said, "Stop throwing like a girl."

And I just got mad and he said, "Stop acting like a girl.

What are you, a girl?"

Am I a girl? I did not know.

As a child, I'd never forget it.

Like I would walk around the house, they'd be like,

"Fix your hand," or, "Why you talk like that?

Why you walk like that?"

I didn't make my legs, I didn't make my body do anything,

this is just how it is.

So I realized that at a young age,

when I got in high school, I had a teacher

that was a handsome-ass teacher,

and I would just stare at his crotch under the desk,

and I was turned on by that.

I never was turned on by women.

I thought they were beautiful,

but I was never turned on by them.

I always looked more feminine

than the average male at that time.

I mean, it took a little minute

before I actually released the girl in me.

Like, I would become her on Halloween

every once in a blue moon, or if no one was looking,

and I was in the house, I always loved to make up,

so I would do my make up.

You know, my best friend did hair, so.

Whenever there was a straight wig, you know,

I probably put it on a few times.

And I saw her many a times, it's just like,

I didn't become her right away.

My surroundings, it wasn't acceptable.

So I had to wait until I was free

to release the woman, like a butterfly.

At this point being in the fifth grade,

I was happy to live in a library.

You would go to the encyclopedia,

and you looked up the word gay, gay is a mental illness.

I can't take this anymore, like how can I figure out,

I don't wanna be like this.

One thing that I did see growing up was television,

where you would see like, the cartoon characters,

when they bang their heads, and they come back

and the speak French and they do all these things,

they become a different person.

Why did you hit yourself on the head for?

I like it, I like it.

But I remember like, I said, "If this is a mental illness,

then maybe if I go home and
hit my head up against the wall,

and knock myself out, I can come back as a straight kid."

But it never happened, you know?

Now at almost 50, I see it as,

I was running from myself the whole time.

I originally came up in a Black neighborhood

for my early years, and I experienced homophobia

from a Black community before I experienced

racism from a white community.

And then we were able to move into an affluent

white community because of Section 8,

and then I started experiencing racism.

I didn't like being in all-male environments,

'cause I got teased, and so I felt like I never belonged.

I didn't belong with the Blacks,

'cause I talked really proper, and so I got teased.

"Oreo, Oreo," you know, Black on the outside,

white in the middle.

Was called Nigger in white settings.

There was a scene in the movie "Greenbook."

So if I'm not Black enough, and I'm not white enough,

and if I'm not man enough, then tell me Tony, what am I?

I'm not man enough for the white community,

Black enough for my Black
community, what the hell am I?

I had nowhere to fit in, and I figured

at least the creator of all things

could do something with me, and so I dove into church,

and gave my life wholeheartedly.

I was dating this guy for about three months.

He would always come over.

My grandmother knew he was coming over,

my brother and sisters would see him.

He'd stay the night at my house all the time.

It was just one morning, I like, left my door kinda open.

He's naked in the bed.

No telling what we did that night,

but we fell asleep in it, whatever.

So my mother must've came into her little peekaboo,

and she must've saw some jingle bells, you never know.

'Cause she was downstairs like,

"Oh, I don't play that shit in my house, they gotta go,"

and everything you can imagine
that you wouldn't wanna hear

from your mother, came out of her mouth that day.

So got up, I walked downstairs, and she's like,

"Do you have something you wanna say to me?" "I'm gay."

"No you're not." "Yes I am."

"You're a boy." "I'm a girl."

So we like, went back and forth like that.

My grandmother got in between us.

I could tell she was happy for me,

but she didn't wanna say it.

I think everyone was afraid of my mother,

and I was the only one kinda
stood up to her in the moment.

I faced so much as a child,

that moment was just a moment of freedom.

Hey, Obio.

How are you? - I'm blessed, how are you?

I'm doing well.

So okay, I'm gonna tell you a little secret, okay?

Just between you and me, okay.

I'm watching "Girlfriends." ♪ Girlfriends ♪

For the like, one millionth time.

I don't know what it is about that show, but I identify

with everything that's happening.

I do, I get it.

It's just, I don't know, it's just good TV, right?

Who are you?

I'm a mix of like Joan,

with like William-ish quirks.

So you're in a relationship.

I am. - Help me.

So, where did you meet him?

Well, well, through friends. Let's just leave it there.

Okay.

Through friends, we're just gonna go with that.

Are you dating? - What?

Are you dating? - Mm.

Oh. - Ooh.

Ooh. - All right, (inaudible).

When I was in the first grade,

there was this guy named John Crossland III.

Hit me, hit me, and I tell you.

I had a crush, and I went home, we're having our snack,

and I told my parents I was, "I like somebody."

And they're like, "Okay."

And I was like, "Yes, his name is John Crossland,

he's in my first grade class."

I'm just going crazy over this boy,

but I never thought it was wrong.

My parents made a lotta space

for me to be queer, to be honest.

They didn't say things or do
things that ever made me feel

like I couldn't be myself at home.

I colored all my pants, I had a sewing machine,

my parents weren't built on religion.

My shame came from society.

I didn't always feel like I was gay,

but I knew I liked boys, but I also liked girls, right?

I didn't know what liking, truly like romanticizing,

or sexuality was.

I think it my mind it was, "Girls are cute,

and if cute is a barometer for liking somebody,

then I can like a girl."

I felt gay probably around like 18, 19.

That then was like when hormones were raging,

and they were raging directed towards men.

And now that I felt like I was gay,

it was kinda that scarlet
letter, it got scary, very scary.

I didn't wanna be gay.

I ran from the word for so long,

because of what society said,

because I felt like now I'm the stereotypes.

Tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today,

and I found out that I have, um, cripi-simplex T.

Still, there's a lotta things about this game

that could be better, like the uniforms.

Hate them.

God, you're like a sissy with his legs stuck in midair,

ready but nothing's happening.

Now people can see that I'm gay,

probably because I think I'm gay,

and now what's gonna happen to me?

Am I gonna be the one bullied?

Am I gonna get HIV and pass away?

People don't understand how difficult it is

to be things that there's no space for you to be.

I mean, there was no room for me to be my queer self,

my Black self, and I think we don't give enough room

for people who are confused,

and that being a necessary part of your journey.

You know, a lotta people were told they were gay

before they felt like they were gay.

I thought that God could do something with my pain.

God should be able to help me with this,

either help me get rid of being gay, or whatever,

and so I decided to start
going to church every weekend,

taking a bus to church.

And then eventually my mom
started sending my sisters,

and then eventually she started coming,

then my dad started coming,

then everybody started coming to church.

You know, I had a youth leader, you know say once,

"I don't want nobody coming out around me.

If you're gay, keep it to yourself.

I don't wanna hear that."

There was an older guy in our ministry,

he was flamboyant, he was a dancer,

and they talked about him terribly.

I didn't want that heat, so I just joined right in.

You know, being gay and trying to figure out like,

what is the epitome of being a man?

Like football players and everything like that.

I didn't like being a part of any athletic team

because of the homophobia in the locker room.

What sport can I get into

where I can only be in control of myself?

Then I started doing research on it,

and I found track to be that thing.

It was one sport where I didn't
have to try out with a team.

I was responsible for my
part of the thing, of the track.

And I took it so serious, it was the other thing

that kept me running from myself at the same time,

'cause I didn't have to be at home

and dealing with bullying.

I didn't have to show my
manhood by like dating somebody,

I was running.

Although I knew that I liked boys, I never acted on it.

So I felt like, "As long as I don't act on it",

"am I really that gay?"

Like you know, like, "I'm not really that gay."

But like you know, when you're young,

you're going to interact with a guy, and sexually.

I would be in the car like, I mean like shaking.

And I would get there, we would do what we needed to do.

Sometimes I would cry on the way home.

I'm acting on this attraction,
now there's no more excuses.

And I would just feel so dirty, wrong, bad, deviant.

I would just not do it again for a while,

until I couldn't not do it anymore,

and I kinda just had that
revolving door of shame for years.

While in high school I used to go to Creighton,

used to just sneak in their library,

and it was like my escape.

So I was on MySpace, I learned coding in that time.

I learned how to create my own profile.

That's when I first built my social media platform.

Pony Zion, which is a very popular, vulgar.

He was on "America's Best Dance Group."

Pony reached out to me, and
kinda told me about ballroom,

'cause I didn't know what it was.

But I started to do my little research,

and I saw them vogue-ing, and they were dancing,

and it just looked fun.

And it was competition,

it looked like something I love to do, I love to dance.

So I told him I would do it.

Did you feel that God let you down?

I felt like this was a test,

and I was determined to pass it.

So anything and everything
you can do in church, I did it.

♪ Praise the Lord ♪

♪ And God launches after you ♪ - Hallelujah,

somebody need God's praise.

Let me hear you, somebody needs God's praise, oh man.

So everything can be blocked, hallelujah,

and everything into your mind, hallelujah,

everything pure evil, God blocked it,

and it wouldn't be told.

When you need to tighten up,

♪ I said, yeah ♪

I need somebody to put up their hands.

I felt at least you'll spare me,

because I'm cleaning toilets.

You'll spare me, because I'm singing on a praise team.

You'll spare me, 'cause I'm here in prayer.

My connection wasn't because of love.

It wasn't because I loved God.

I was because I was afraid of God.

A lotta ministries talk about
the thorn in Paul's flesh,

that was the sin of
homosexuality, and he had to keep it

to keep him before God.

So I thought I was called to ministry,

and this was a sin to keep my
humble and connected to God.

I made sense of it in my teenage mind.

We made ourselves more acceptable to others

in a variety of ways.

Perhaps you learned that you can win approval

by becoming more sensitive than the other boys.

Maybe you learned that you can win approval

by displaying a creativity

that the other boys refused to show.

Or you learned to win approval by excelling

at everything you did.

There's a great book out there, "The Velvet Rage",

where I think it was me being gay that led the charge.

You know, I started to realize that now,

because I can't let it go, I can't hide it,

I know who I am, I've gotta do everything in my power

to not only be 100% whatever I do,

but I wanna be epic in everything that I do,

because I wanted to be able to say, "Hey, you know,

you might call me gay, but look what I'm doing over here."

My senior year, I was ranked
third in the United States,

and I remember being in school and them saying,

"We would like to congratulate Octavius Terry

getting a full scholarship to Georgia Tech,"

and everybody started screaming like, "What?"

And my freshman year at Georgia Tech

was when I became seventh in the world.

In the 400-meter hurdle,

the closest race of the NCAA.

There's Octavius Terry, wins it for Georgia Tech

by one-1000th of a second.

This is a gold medal from
the 1995 All University Games

in Fukuoka, Japan.

This is where I represented the United States

when I was in college, as though
I was at the Olympic Games.

My family was struggling at the time,

and my dad was a truck driver,

and my mom was a nurse's assistant.

I was the person to graduate from any college

in my entire family.

I was like, "This is the way my family's gonna get out,

by me putting oxygen on myself, but I can't do that,

because mentally if my
teammates find out that I'm gay,

then I don't know if I can go back to school."

Just the male machoism was just like,

there was some homophobia
in there, even the track world.

I remember being in the Olympic
trials, and we were laughing

'cause there were 10 guys in this tub,

and somebody made a joke like,

"Yeah, they said that one out of every 10 men are gay,

I wonder who it is."

And in my head I'm like, "Oh my gosh,

this is when they're gonna find out."

For a lot of queer people,

a lot of queer young boys especially,

we learn early what it means to like fit in,

but still have that little edge that puts you on top,

just in case you get figured out.

I think it's kinda the same thing you feel

where as a Black person, you can be gone any day.

Trayvon Martin. - 46-year-old George Floyd.

Final moments of Ahmaud Arbery's life.

As Breonna and her boyfriend

lay asleep in their bed... He shot Martin.

Derek Chauvin places his knee

on Floyd's neck. - I can't breathe.

Arbery is shot dead. - The police returned fire,

with 20 bullets, striking Breonna, killing her.

Makes homophobic comments,
leading to a deadly stabbing

of 28-year-old Sibley O'Shae.

Shae was part of a ballroom community,

predominantly comprised of LGBTQ+ men of color.

And because you could be gone any day,

like if my queerness is figured out, if I get clocked,

I have to be at the top of my game.

That way, even though you don't like me,

you gotta reconcile that, because I'm too amazing.

I think people need to understand how much it is,

especially Black queer men, how much we carry

from very, very young ages, where other people

are worried about playing,
and wearing the latest trends.

It's a added layer for a lot of young Black queer men.

Hello, how you doing?

I'm well, how are you? - Blessed and highly favored.

You know I'm big, and I can't,

who else can they fit into a hallway?

How are you, come in, come in?

I'm here to save you guys' lives.

Thank you, I know you are baby.

Look at you. - Hey no, look at you.

Show. I'm just a boy in pumps, tell it like it is.

Legendary, we go Kiki, and you get to live it.

Runway looks are best left for catwalks,

not on the sidewalk.

Well I identify as, I'm he, she, they, them, whatever.

You know, just call me.

Fans know me from the "Housewives of Atlanta",

but my true fans, before the "Housewives of Atlanta",

which would be a show called "Tears, Shears and Beauty",

which had two seasons on a station called BETJ.

And then a documentary called
"Good Hair" with Chris Rock

that came on HBO.

Well first, I didn't grow up as Derek Jae,

I grew up as Derek Johnson in Toledo, Ohio.

My mom was a single mom, was a middle class family.

My mom was a police officer.

So my life is very ordinary, I guess,

just extraordinary things happened within it.

He's the most fashionable person I know.

Derek Jae, how is it going?

I'm doing great, how are you babe?

Oh babe, you look sparky... No, you look-

And you look gorgeous. - Fabulous, honey.

Okay, so sadly my grandmother passed.

I did have my own moment with my grandmother,

where I seen her in my dream.

And my grandmother loves unicorns,

so it's her chasing after a unicorn,

and I'm trying to chase her at the same time.

I never dreamed that while she was alive.

I even now to this day can remember the smell,

the pine trees, and like, I can see her like running.

And like, I'm like trying to catch her,

and I'm like, "Wait for me, wait for me."

She's not waiting, she's running.

And I'm like, this is her
running off and going to be free.

That's like something that, I'm gonna cry, boo.

That's like, got me like, that's the best part of it.

She told me to run, and me to go for

what I wanted to go for, and I saw her do the same thing.

All right, I need some tissue. Y'all don't cry.

That's the one thing.

Yeah, you about to have my whole eyelash on the floor.

That's what kinda pushed me to go for my dreams, was her.

So I left Nebraska because of that.

Obviously as a same gender loving Black man myself,

I've been there.

But for so many people that struggle with, you know,

this journey, some of them probably have feelings

of you know, suicide, 'cause
you have a beautiful light now,

but you need the dark to
know what the light looks like.

What was that feeling when
you got behind closed doors?

Well even behind closed doors,

I didn't get to be Ben, because God was there.

Hallelu. - And I was trying

to put on for God, trying to be perfect for God,

as if God didn't know everything about me.

And so my prayers, every day I'd ask God

to make me straight.

Every day I'd ask God to toughen me up.

Every day I would ask God,

"Help me to be who my mom wants me to be."

♪ Let's talk about you, talk about you ♪

♪ What it is about Jesus, what it is about Jesus ♪

♪ And I say yeah, let's talk about love ♪

So the deeper and deeper I got into ministry,

the more and more I adopted the toxicity of ministry,

and that's judging others and condemning others.

And when I got older,
preached against homosexuality,

and preached that it was a sin,

and that you were going to hell.

Sex between a man and a man is unnatural.

Sexual relations between two women is unnatural.

It violates not only natural law,

but the righteous laws of God.

Homosexuality is not the only sin, but it is a sin.

It is not an alternative lifestyle,

it is an alternative rebellion.

The wages of sin is death.

Being a homosexual and a lesbian is a ticket to hell.

It's about destroying what God calls family.

A family is a man and a woman with their children.

'Cause I really thought I was doing

the work of the Lord, saying you're going to hell.

I was so judgmental, you was going to hell

for listening to Beyonce.

Meanwhile I will drink Beyonce's sweat, just kidding.

I'm a comedian, ba da bum, maybe not, no.

But I was well intended, just committing acts of harm.

So tell us where we are. - You guys are in my home.

A lotta people don't be in here, so y'all are special,

'cause I don't let people into this space.

But I'll let you guys in.

Home for me is my getaway
from all the madness of the world.

That's why it's colorful, it's artful,

it's just, it's a safe space for me.

I spoke to my grandmother, she said, you know,

"You were the same person, we just didn't know

how to nurture who you were.

So you know, we tried to keep you in the boy stuff

and do the boy thing.

He wants to do girl stuff,

we just ain't gonna talk about it,

instead of really having a conversation about it

and kinda saying like, 'What's going on?

"What are you feeling?'"

You know, as a kid in a Black household it's like,

you just do as you say, not as I do.

You just do what you're told.

So I just, was just following protocol.

Now my sister, she's a lesbian, she's totally different.

She was just like, "I'm gay, I'm a lesbian, I'm here."

And I'm like, "Girl, what is wrong with you?

You could not be saying that to Mama and them."

Like, so my sister took the more vocal approach

when it came to it, where I
took the more private approach.

I remember praying, "Hey God, make me a girl,"

'cause it was like, well I mean,

"I'm not supposed to like boys, but so,

if I'm not supposed to like boys,

then I'm supposed to be a girl,

so then make me just be a girl."

You know, I never wanted to be a girl, but I just figured

for me to like boys, I gotta be a girl.

I don't have any kinda bitter feelings

towards my family or my
parents or anything like that,

because they didn't know.

So it was a normal thing to just not talk about it.

They didn't understand how to handle someone like me,

because they never met nobody like me.

Even though we never talked about it,

my family never made me feel outta place.

So DL stands for down low, it's traditionally men,

they are homosexual or bisexual, and they explore

their same gender love or
sexual activities in the dark.

The DL life was actually exciting.

Sometimes living in the dark or doing things

that you're not supposed to do

can bring some type of excitement.

I always had a girlfriend and a boyfriend.

I think I could put on a good show with a girl,

because I knew at the end of the day,

I was gonna go to a guy.

To be a man of faith, to be a leader,

to be a good son, to be, you know, a good friend,

I had to fill the role.

Have a girlfriend, we'd all go out, hang out.

And this is ever since I was younger,

because I felt like I didn't have any other choice.

I had to fit the role.

The DL culture is perpetuated by men culture.

People say, you know, "Be free, be yourself, I don't care,"

and then when a masculine guy is free

and himself, you care.

You gossip about him, you demean him.

He's less of a man, he's a waste of a man.

He's not a man anymore, because he's gay.

Most guys, especially masculine guys,

wanna protect their manhood,
their reputation, right?

So I'm not gonna come out in an environment

that's not safe.

And it's not because you've done anything to me,

but I've watched you do it to other people.

People in the, in DL culture,

will accept people for who they truly are.

There's like stages, there were stages for me

in my queerness.

You have sex with guys, it's gay,

but especially in closeted spaces,

a lotta guys will have sex with you

and not proclaim to be gay, you know what I mean?

Or not even pretend to like guys.

Like they just, I don't know,

maybe their hind parts do, you know, but they don't.

You know you're in high school, you might go to college,

and you have that like, "I can be something different"

"when I go there," but it was more of the same.

I got there, and every girl wanted me.

And it sounds like it's cute,

but not if you don't want any girls,

like you know what I mean?

It was 'cause I was over it, but it's like, "Okay,"

and continue to play the game.

And dated women and liked them subtly,

but not enough to really make something happen.

End of my junior year of college,

I finally met a guy, and that changed my life.

Like, "I like him, like I wanna like,

call him and talk to him."

Then I finally had an emotional connection,

and that to me was the most gay I ever felt.

Finding love for the first time,

he taught me a lotta different things,

that I could be very visible,
that we could love each other

in front of people, and I started to be more open,

because I stopped hiding and
I accepted myself even more.

But after that, my running career just suffered,

because I found love, I accepted myself,

and this was no longer a crutch for me,

and I was done with track.

I retired at the 2000 Olympic trials.

In 2006, I was inducted to the Georgia Tech's

Hall of Fame, and went back to the reception

as a gay Black male, and that
was so powerful for me to do.

There were so many different factors

that led me to living my truth,
and being my authentic self.

I was wanting real love.

I was tired of DL love, where I would be with a girl

in public, and then be with a guy in private,

and there was no light, it was all darkness.

Everything done in the dark.

Now if I'm gonna go to hell, Imma go to hell having fun.

I'm not gonna go to hell serving in here,

and coming to church every
Sunday, and wasting my time,

if, you know, hell is my end result.

So I might as well go out and be in the world,

and live my best life.

But because I spent years
unfortunately as a minister

damning the LGBTQ community-

Being a homosexual and a lesbian is a ticket to hell.

I felt like, "Well, I can't just now

be on social media with a man."

People are gonna be like, "Well, what happened

to gay being going to hell?"

And my mentor Trayvian and
my coworker Sarah was like,

"Yeah, you should tell your story."

And I wrote the story, and "The Root" picked it up.

It was entitled, "I'm Black, I'm a Minister, and I'm Gay."

And I knew at that point my
life would forever be changed.

I came straight to Atlanta
on a bus, like Rosa, with $119.

I took my last check, I didn't
tell anybody I was leaving.

It was a 24-hour ride, I think like four or five stops.

I ate like a burger at McDonald's each time,

'cause I had to like, make my money spread out.

You know, $119 ain't a lot of money.

So when I got to Atlanta, I was free enough

to venture off and learn more
about the LGBTQ community,

because it was a bigger space for it.

Like, it was my first time
seeing just gay people freely,

and going to gay clubs, and I was just like,

"Wow, this is crazy, like this is real."

Like in Nebraska, it was like
you was in a straight party.

But like, when I got here it was like,

"Oh girl, I can put the shirt up in a little knot now,

like, and nobody won't say nothing."

Like, it was just like freedom in a way,

but still at the same time I
wasn't free with myself within,

because I was still a male.

I was a fine-ass man, don't get me wrong darling,

he was cute.

Do you know, and when you're dating guys,

guys don't want you to be a girl.

And it's like, you had to hide
behind those type of things.

So it was like, I kinda held
it in for a little bit longer,

'cause I'm like, "Wait a minute,

maybe I could just be a gay boy, you know,

and this may work out."

I left home age, I mean well,

there ain't nothing in Toledo, so.

It was really weird when I moved to Atlanta,

and I was like, "Oh, y'all gay."

Like, "This is a bit much for me."

'Cause like back home, you're just gay at night.

You're not gay during the daytime.

You know, you're just gay when you go to a club,

but when you go home, people's not gay.

When I moved to Atlanta I'm like,

"Everybody gay, all the time. Y'all gay at the mall too?

Like, this is a bit much."

When theroot.com decided to take my story,

I was baring all to the world.

The editors decided to post
it at 3:00 AM in the morning,

and I got the notification, and I had a panic attack.

I couldn't breathe, and I texted by pastor and he said,

"Well, what did you expect to happen?

Calm down, you'll be okay."

And by the time it hit the press in the morning,

it was a firestorm.

Millions of views, hundreds of thousands of shares.

People telling me to kill myself, burn myself.

And a lot of my friends had got involved,

because they posted it and
they started losing friends.

Celebrities were arguing back and forth on Twitter.

It was just much more than I anticipated.

In my late teens, early 20s,

I had a conversation with God saying goodbye.

"About to interact with my gayness,

I know you can't honor me or love me.

I'll see you on the other side, I guess."

And it was probably the
loneliest I ever felt in my life,

because I always had the protection of God.

For me, just in those few years just being on my own,

I was afraid of gay people

and I was afraid of straight people.

I was afraid of gays, 'cause you'll see me,

and I desperately didn't wanna be seen.

And so I think for me it was like,

"Oh, but your life is gonna pass you by,

and you're gonna have nothing to show for it,

because you're constantly running from self.

Either you're gonna have to suck this up

and take it for what it is and be yourself,

"or just decide that shame is gonna be your tattoo."

I called one of my homies who
I knew who was comfortably gay

and I was like, "I wanna go to a gay club.

Let's just go, let's just pull the bandaid off."

And so, but I wasn't comfortable in my own city.

So we flew to LA like literally in a week's time,

we went to Trunks, and I'm literally in this gay club

and nobody cared about me.

I thought this was gonna be like,

the scariest thing since ever, but it was like,

"Boy, nobody's worrying about you, dude.

Listen to music, have you a drink, and have a good time."

And then at that point I came back to Atlanta

and you couldn't keep me outta 10th and Piedmont.

You know, every Sunday, I'm talking about Blake's, G's,

I was there, you know?

And at that point I was like,

"Cool, now I'm comfortable around gays.

I'm not comfortable being gay around straights."

I came out, she had some very, very harsh words.

"Now girl, you knew I was gay, it's no surprise.

So why are you acting like this?"

You know, she told me I was gonna gets AIDS.

She was like, "Oh now, are you gonna be dressing

like a girl, are you gonna wear heels and makeup?"

I said, "No, but if I was, that's my prerogative."

You know, I didn't have a relationship with my dad.

The only person that I really, truly loved

threw me away in a few seconds.

It sent me on a downward spiral.

I was in bedrooms, any bedroom you'd find me in.

I thought being with a man would give me comfort.

So it wasn't the sex that did it,

it was the hug, the cuddling.

I was looking for affection, but y'all, I didn't find it.

That's not the way to go.

I would be late to meetings, I would miss flights.

I would, you know, call outta work the entire day,

because I'm laid up in somebody's bed.

It was like a drug, an addiction.

Talking to my mom about my sexuality,

we was driving in the car, she just said,

"Is it my fault?" I said no.

"Are you sure?" I said yes.

"Do you wanna be a girl?" I said no.

"Am I ever gonna have any grandchildren?"

I said, "Not by me." "Are you sure it's not my fault?"

I said, "I'm positive," that was it.

I never dated, and she never met a boyfriend.

I never had the gay milestones

to challenge her in this gay space,

if that would make sense.

It's just very me and her.

I didn't wanna do like a full sit down, "Hey Dad,"

like, "I'm your, I'm gay."

I paused it and I said, "I like guys."

Oh. - And I pressed play.

Got the remote, he pressed pause, and he was like,

"Are you being for real?" And I was like, "Yes."

You know, we had this whole little moment.

I laughed about it, maybe that is my defense.

He didn't believe me for two and half years.

It put me in a position to have to defend my sexuality.

When did the House of Tisci come into your life?

When I got to Atlanta, I
already came into a house family.

Like, I was a Zion at the time.

So some shit can happen, you go to another house.

So Tisci didn't kinda happen until recently.

It's Tisci, duh. It's Tisci, duh.

It's Tisci duh, it's Tisci duh, it's Tisci duh.

Boom boom, pow.

I am mother Gia, that is Simone,

Stanley, Dro, Tray, and we're the House of Tisci.

Duh. - It's Tisci, duh.

The House of Tisci means family.

Group hug. - I'm like, yeah.

It's Tisci, duh.

Everyone in the house is
talented in their own single way,

and it just makes a group of adult people.

Me, on the other hand, a girl
who came from street dancing.

I feel like when I came to ballroom,

I started doing dances that I'd never seen people do

on the floor, and I think it opened up the doors

for the girls to kinda step outta the regular,

you know, they all do the same thing.

When I was a boy I had a lot more energy,

so it's like times 10 of what you see now.

Switching over to a girl, a lotta changes.

You have to soften things up.

My ballroom specialty, I would have to say,

is definitely my spins.

I can tornado a girl right into the ground.

What is a house? - A house,

it's not what you live in, darling.

They call it a house, because you're a family.

Like I'm a Tisci, that's the house name.

You get a team of people
who, in some type of percentage,

they all care for you, and you look out for each other.

It becomes a safe place for people

who don't have the love from their family.

The ballroom scene is community

started by Black and brown queer and trans people

over 50 years ago.

Members organize themselves into houses

that serve as surrogate families.

But on the competitive
ballroom floor, there are teams

in which the contestants can earn trophies

and top-dollar prizes.

Houses are so important in the LGBTQ community,

because they give people a platform to grow,

and express yourself too.

That's not only just fashion,
it's beauty, it's performing.

Whatever your expression is, like you can bring that

to your house, and use it and get paid for it, honestly.

Ballroom is the home for these houses to go compete.

It was an underground scene that happened.

Like you know, back in the day we weren't allowed

to live freely, be gay, and be
trans women in the daylight.

So they created ballroom as a space

for people to express themselves.

What's up girls? - You are not a fucking diva.

I'm a fem queen performer, so I vogue.

You know, you see the girls fall on their back

and do a zip, that's what I do, 'cause I love to dance.

It's a lot of hair whipping, a lotta titty shaking.

I also walk face, so that's all about beauty,

and selling your face, and you know,

all of those things.

Okay, I'm comfortable on 10th and Piedmont.

Am I comfortable downtown, am I comfortable at work?

Am I comfortable amongst family?

And when did that start to change?

Mm, you guys are gonna make me cry.

I feel like, it started to change for me, honestly,

if I can be very, very frank,

when I started giving myself
permission to be myself.

When I finally decided I didn't have to be amazing,

I didn't have to, hmm,

I didn't have to do any of those things anymore.

No more judgment, none of that, you know?

And that happened in my late 20s,

like two years ago, to be honest.

And it was like the most freeing, oh man, hmm.

The most freeing time of my life,

because I didn't have to be anything but myself.

I didn't have to be masked or presenting,

I didn't have to be straight
lending, straight passing,

every part of my life was centered around

what people were gonna think of me.

And I finally had the opportunity to not give a damn,

and Jesus Christ, I wish that for every,

that's literally why I do everything I do now.

I wish that feeling for everybody, I mean,

oh man, I hate you.

Oh man, come on man, you got me on this show,

and looking like.

Black gay men, it's two burdens we have to carry.

One, we have to carry the burden of being a Black man.

So I have a salon, I get women who say,

"Derek, my boyfriend ironed his pants today.

Do you think he's gay?"

"Oh, he wants to get a manicure pedicure,

"I think that's gay," it's not gay.

He just wants to get a manicure pedicure, is that okay?

As Black men, the bar set for you to be a man

is so ridiculous.

If you ain't robbed or killed somebody

or been to jail, you're not a man.

You can't show emotion, you have to always be strong.

You have to be the breadwinner, you have to be the,

so it's all of these really masculine things

that you just have to be.

Well, you add gay into the mix, in this space

that don't align with being gay.

That's just a mental mindfuck.

Nobody never sits down to try to talk through it.

We don't go to therapists, you know,

Black people don't do that.

We're not about to go see no therapist,

tell them about y'all business.

So all you do is talk to your other friends,

who've got the same fucked-up mentality as you.

So all you're doing is just being in a fucked-up space,

telling the other fucked-up people

to help you with fucked-up shit.

We just need therapy, and we need to talk it out.

We need to cry, we need to yell, we need to scream.

Whatever it is, drugs, sex, alcohol, abuse,

you can't get out by yourself, you need help.

What I had to learn from a good friend of mine,

State Senator Shevrin Jones from Florida said,

"Ben, you have to give your mom time."

I had years to contemplate with coming out.

I gave her a few minutes, and
expected her just to be there.

Now in a perfect world she would open her arms and say,

"It's me and you against the world son," but she didn't.

She's human, and she had to process that,

and that's something I had to learn,

'cause I was very mad at her.

And it took years to heal,

and understanding her journey as a human being.

Her reference to AIDS was because when, you know,

in the '80s and '90s, all her gay friends died from AIDS,

so of course that's what she would reference.

Of course she doesn't want her only son that she loves

to be out in the world and be condemned.

So I had to understand her process,

understand that she still loves me,

but she just doesn't understand.

'Cause we didn't speak for a long time.

When we did start engaging she would always joke,

"When are you getting married?

When are you gonna bring me a woman home?"

And we'd all suck our teeth, me and my sisters,

and I'd go, "Mom, there's no woman, get over it."

And although she said it in a joking manner,

it was still an act of aggression.

"I don't accept who you are, I'm not accepting who you are,

and I'm gonna keep presenting the life I want for you,

despite you making it very clear

the life you want for you."

And I had to simply sit her down and say,

"You continue these jokes, I won't be around."

I flipped the onus back on her, "If you love me,

if you want me to be around,
you can respect and honor me.

If not, I have to protect my peace."

So we're still growing.

She's started saying things like,

"The first person whoever has a kid,

I'm gonna come live with
y'all and take care of y'all kids,"

and I said, "Well, you know how I'm having kids."

And she's like, "Well, I'll be there." And I'm like, "Okay."

So there was a time when I
thought it was too much for me,

I would go back home, but that was right

when I got to this motherfucker,
'cause I didn't have shit.

I literally was homeless, so I turned to ballroom.

It's Tisci, duh. - And my ballroom family

took me in with open arms, just like you see

in the little movies now.

How did someone as talented as you

wind up dancing for a whole bunch of junkies?

I wanted to be a star.

Have you ever considered joining a house?

What do you mean?

Well, a house is a family you get to choose.

I have nowhere else to go. - Come here.

And hell, shit, it was not easy.

It was not always good then either, shit was crazy.

I experienced living in one
house with 15 people in it,

and the other people who owned the house,

they had their own downstairs.

So unless you was fucking the person downstairs,

you stayed upstairs.

Going straight into that kinda was like crazy.

I'm like, "Wow," like life, you grow up really fast.

Like, it was badder than living in the projects.

So I'm like, "Damn, I never lived this low before."

That was the moment I wanted to go home,

and my mother, she told me, "You can't come back here.

You need to look in the mirror."

And I'm like, "Well Mom, we don't got no mirror."

Like it stuck with me, because her telling me that

was the best thing she ever told me.

My face is what got me where I am,

and I will say thank God to makeup,

and thank God to beauty,

because beauty is definitely a powerful thing.

From there, here comes the guys.

It's kinda like you're bait for a shark.

Men are just like, and then it turns into this.

So you know, I had a little sugar daddy.

And you know, it's kinda crazy.

Like I never thought I would have that, but shit,

it was perfect timing.

I needed it, I needed money, I needed help.

He took me under his wing, and shit,

life definitely picked up
then, 'cause I was comfortable.

Living in the deep South, I had no reference

of what I was really going through.

And I think that that's when the creative kid came out.

Started to draw, and started
to express myself by myself.

Those gifts that I learned early on

are the same things I keep and hold dear to myself now,

because they're my armor.

And even though I was this creative kid growing up,

my mom and dad drilled in my head

that I need to be a doctor or a lawyer, for some reason.

I was a banker for 11 years,

because that's what my parents wanted me to do.

Buy a house, marry a woman, and have kids.

But it was at 40 that I was like, "No, I can't.

I can't live for everybody else."

I've always wanted to be a designer.

I left corporate America and went back

to design school in LA, it's because I wanted

to learn how to use a sewing machine.

And my friends thought I was crazy.

Passing in my definition is someone

who people perceive to be straight.

When did I come out?

I can't give you a definitive of when I came out,

because I'm still coming out.

It's a constant thing for me,
because I'm put in positions

where people project straightness
onto me often, you know?

In those moments I just correct them, of course,

but it's again me re-coming out.

So for me it was always like, "Girl, you know",

oh yeah, my boyfriend used to say that.

"Oh, my boyfriend has a blue shirt," just so you can,

you know, they hear boyfriend, they're like.

Like, I want you to know that I'm queer,

so I can know is this cool, or do I need to not be here?

Until I said I was gay,

I never had to identify as straight or gay,

people just handled me like a straight boy.

Behavior is not indicative of sexuality,

'cause I did everything that
you can consider masculine,

and I was as gay as June in Atlanta.

I know you perceive me to be straight,

then I know I'm safe here.

Now, if you know or think I'm queer, does that change?

You know, and in some spaces that does.

I told my best friend of like eight years at the time,

and he didn't talk to me again.

Conservative gay, right?

It is trying your best to be

either discreet or unclockable.

I don't wanna walk into a room, people say, "Oh, he's gay."

It's being the gay that's acceptable.

It's akin to be the Black

that's acceptable in the white spaces.

Let me convert, create a version of me

that will be loved and accepted.

The style of clothes I wear, the things I do.

So I won't be too loud, I won't be too ghetto.

Don't wanna be too hood, don't wanna be too rappish.

As a Black man I worked a lot in white spaces,

and I tried my best to be a conservative Black.

It was a self-hatred that was causing that behavior.

My entire life I have been taught, hide the queer Ben,

hide the gay Ben, hide the feminine Ben.

There were so many queer things

that I wanted to do in life but never did

for fear of judgment, even after coming out.

A friend invited me to a wig brunch.

I was like, "I'm not putting on no wig."

I want to go to the circuit parties.

You know, it's all day partying, you're in skimpy wear.

Everything's happening at the circuit party.

I always would wanna go and participate but didn't,

because I was afraid of
what people would say or think.

And my pastor said this to me years ago,

and it didn't hit until this year.

"The greatest deliverance that you could ever have

is from the opinions of people."

And once you start living for yourself,

the truth of who you are will begin to lead the way,

and not the opinions of people.

But choosing me is making decisions solely for me.

Before I'd make the decision,
and think about 10 things

somebody else would say or think

before I made the decision.

I had to come to realize, if the opinions of people

won't matter when I'm dead, why am I letting them

matter while I'm living?

What moved me to this journey of deep,

deep self-discovery was heartbreak.

I haven't been in love since 2007.

This year, I opened my heart again to love,

and it was God who did it,

because the guy I fell in love with,

we are not together, but he was the only one

who was able to open my heart for me

to realize it was broken.

Growing up, thankfully I
had an amazing spiritual advisor

and she was like, "Listen, if our God is so amazing,

and our God is so forgiving, if you are this person,

why would he damn you to so much trauma?

Y'all are preaching two different things."

You know, so she really taught be to be like,

"Okay y'all, this wrong."

I went to church with one of
my friends who was also gay,

which was very ironic, and then they told him

that I couldn't come back anymore,

'cause you know, I had a homosexual spirit.

And I was like, "Oh."

God started to speak to me, I didn't get why.

Like, "Why are you still leading me?

Why are you still like organizing my steps?"

And so it was this moments where I'm like,

"Okay, well God's not leaving me alone,

"and I've told him bye," right?

And so when I came back to the faith, I just was like,

"God, like talk to me more," right?

I decided to listen and
sharpen my ear, my spiritual ear.

And it may sound blasphemous to some,

but God told me to be myself.

So me being closeted, or me running from myself

was really against God,
because God created me this way.

It took me years to overcome the trauma

of being gay in church, and I had to let go

of my thinking behind a lot.

So where before I thought, "Okay this is a test",

"God is humbling me," it then became my greatest gift.

This is a gift God gave me,

to grow up in a Black community in the hood,

a space where your existence is demeaned,

and to still come out on top, that was the test.

I realized that my gayness
was my superpower this year,

in 2021, six years after I
originally came out at age 30.

♪ God on your side ♪

I know there's a higher
being, whatever you may call him.

See what God has done for you.

You have a connection with him.

You don't need a third person to talk to him.

Go to a quiet space. You know, sit down and talk to him.

Have a conversation, he'll talk back.

All you gotta do is listen.

For me now, I listen to God, or,

man I'll tell you, me and God's so tight, huh?

Me and him just, you know what I'm saying?

Because it's not about me running from who he made me.

It's about me ignoring the dogma that people said.

It's people who said the things
that made me feel closeted.

People made me feel ashamed, it wasn't God.

And as the second I understood that,

faith was no problem, I was back.

I was back at it again.

♪ And a certificate on paper ♪

♪ Isn't gonna solve it all ♪

♪ But it's a damn good place to start ♪

The day I remember is the wedding on the Grammys

in 2014, by Queen Latifah and Madonna.

I was actually married to now my ex-husband,

and that's what kind of started my company,

with the white suits, 'cause I made our suits

for that Grammy moment.

We are gathered here to celebrate love and harmony.

As I look out on this audience,

I'm delighted to see the faces of 33 couples.

It is my distinct honor

to now ask our participants to exchange rings.

By the power vested in me by the state of California,

I know pronounce you a married couple!

♪ Open your heart to me, baby ♪

♪ I'll hold the lock and you hold the key ♪

♪ Open your heart to me ♪

And we were actually kinda the poster kids,

'cause they put us at the very front.

You know, my ex-husband is the same height I am.

We have all these tattoos, and he's in the industry

as well, and... Fire, I heard.

Absolutely, and I wish I could take credit,

by my husband made this.

Octavius Terry, yes yes. - Hi.

He did these looks for tonight, yeah.

I love it, I love it. - Thank you.

You look awesome, now... Thank you.

When marriage equality had
just overturned in California,

but getting married in front of 30 million people,

I said to myself, "Oh my gosh, like now I have to tell

everybody, like even my old teammates."

Like, "What's my coach gonna say?"

When we walked out there into, you know,

Smokey Robinson giving us a high five,

and like, and standing in front of Beyonce,

but to be accepted by 30 million people.

Right after that, my coach sent me a powerful email.

He said, "You know, I heard about what you did."

I just wanna tell you to tell your then-husband like,

"I loved you first," and that was so powerful.

But that was the moment that I stopped caring,

and I started living my truth.

Only at 40 years old was when I truly accepted myself.

So you guys

should have everything in place, I'm nervous.

I really love doing makeup.

I always kinda played with it.

I had to hide it, but it was like something I loved.

I loved art.

I do have like a father figure, which is, I call it,

you know in our world it's called a gay father.

He was in the beauty
industry, kinda like a hairstylist.

I was a versatile makeup artist.

I can do glamour, I can do editorial,

I can do special effects if I needed to,

and was also taught.

And he's like, "Well yeah, let's focus on you doing that."

So he kinda pushed me in that direction.

When he did it, I just started to see

everything spread like a wildfire.

Then every celebrity in the
book was calling my phone.

Kari Hilson, Kate Michelle,
Jenna Jameson, Kylie Jenner,

oh, I'm really the shit.

The money was rolling in.

PEN America, a nonprofit aimed

at promoting free expression found

that more than 1400 incidents of books being banned

in the most recent school year alone,

those bans spanning 66
school districts in 21 states,

most of them written by or about people of color

and members of the LGBTQ+ community.

Excluding queerness is excluding people.

To teach young queer people to affirm themselves,

it's necessary within the school system.

Kids should grow up seeing
themselves and loving themselves.

I wish I did, I really wish I did.

It would've saved me a lotta stuff.

I didn't have the luxury of seeing

masculine leaning people in media growing up.

But there's a lotta guys who were like me,

who were just living their lives,

and I didn't know they were queer.

Two guys walking down the street,

I'm assuming they're friends,

and they could have very well been husbands.

I would've benefited from seeing
a me when I was a teenager.

Like, "What, he just everyday dude,

and comfortable and proud?"

♪ You were too shy, but now ♪

There is that need for us to announce,

and make that clear line that says, "I love men, I'm gay."

What's good, good people?

I'm Obio, and in case you didn't know, I'm the G in LGBTQ,

and you're watching "It's Just Not Adding Up."

Well, in my content creation I do skits

that kinda allow people to see themselves,

and they're funny, but they're real.

Hey, can I tell you something?

Yeah, what's up? (exhaling) I'm gay.

Oh, that doesn't change a thing over here.

Cool. - Can I tell you something?

Sure. - I already knew you were gay.

I knew when you were young that-

Why do people do this?

Like, what do you want me to do

with this information, Steve?

Like congrats, you already knew.

You want some cookies, you
want a trophy, what's going on?

Look at him, just going. Well
good Steve, you already knew.

Everybody look, Steve knew.

So a step into who Derek Jae is,

I was working in the hair industry,

and I was doing platform work

at Bronner Bros. Hair Show.

Hey guys, we are her at the Bronner Bros.

International Hair Show.

This is where Derek Jae the hairstylist was born.

I mean, the heels, the fierce, the fabrics

and the competition, all that happened here.

And I knew that I was selling things, you know,

for a company, so I wanted to do something

that would get people's attention.

One of my birthday years I bought this outfit

and the pants are too long, so I bought a pair of heels,

so the pants could fit, yes.

So I was like, "Okay, well I could do this.

So, well let me wear the heels on stage,

and let's see what happens."

And then I would start selling all this stuff,

people start coming, like they wanna know

what shoes I had on, all this kinda stuff.

Then when I got on television I wore them,

and they started to become a part of my life.

Nobody has a competition for me right now.

Here she's in beauty, baby. Let's see

♪ Okay, okay, okay, okay ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Are we about to get it ♪

♪ Just a little hot and sweaty in the booth ♪

I personally feel, I tell everybody this,

and I saw it in a magazine, in the next 10 years,

it's gonna be okay, men will be wearing pumps.

I'm telling y'all.

Before the heels was just a job,

and they now just became a part of who I am.

Babe? Just manifesting.

Okay listen, it's been a minute.

The last time you guys saw me I was doing my series,

and I just, I don't know.

Where are we today? - Where are we?

Where are we right now? - We're in my home.

What does home mean to you?

What does home mean to you, the space?

Mm, if anybody knows me, my home is my space,

my safe haven.

You know, I do my work from my home.

I bring my friends to my home.

Everything is meticulously
placed, my home is important.

I don't have a live studio audience,

essentially when I'm doing my work.

You hope it lands, but I'm talking to myself in here.

You know, I'm on the camera talking to me.

You know, I was at the gym once,

and a guy was working there with his son,

comes up to me and he was like,

"You know, I seen your channel.

I saw my son watching your stuff."

He was like, really at me about it.

In my mind I was like, "Okay, this is a moment"

that I've had in comment sections,

"but I've never had it in real life," you know?

So in that moment I just kinda was telling him like,

"Hey listen, I can't control what your son watches.

But if your son happens to be queer,

I think you should make room for him."

We repeat behaviors that have been done to us,

and hurt people hurt people.

I don't know why that's a human phenomenon, but it is.

It is hard to overcome trauma.

I came out at age 30, and still at age 36,

faggot, queer, Ben-Gay, fruity, flame,

those words still haunted me.

It took me understanding the power of self,

seek help, get therapy, and
gayness being my superpower,

to overcome those words.

We have to get outta this phase of living every day,

but dead because we're disconnected from the divine.

Many of us could use the gift and science of therapy.

It works, your pastor is not your therapist.

I think that hurt some feelings,

your pastor is not your therapist.

A professional that went to school,

that studied the science, is your therapist.

And there's so many free resources out there,

if anybody's interested, I can connect you.

Do you remember the movie "Moonlight?"

Let your head rest in my hand, relax.

I've got you, I promise. I'm not gonna let you go.

Hey man, I got you. There you go.

Tarell McCraney, who wrote the movie,

that was based off of his life and his mother's life.

When he was nominated... This year's nominees

for Best Adapted Screenplay, "Moonlight",

based on the play, "In Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue",

by Tarell Alvin McCraney.

Elizabeth Taylor, she wore a white dress,

and she wore a red ribbon to signify

all the lives that were lost from HIV and AIDS.

She actually mailed him the
ribbon to wear for the Oscars.

He said, "Well, I wanna wear a white suit."

His stylist, I thought it was
a joke, reached out and said,

"Hey, we need to see if you have a white suit,

potentially for Tarell McCraney.

But we just gotta you when he comes out,

then Dior is after them, and Calvin Klein."

So Tarell McCraney, the day before the Oscars

showed up at my downtown LA studio and he said,

"Man, it's just so really cool to see

another male Black designer."

And he tried the suit on, and it fit him like a glove,

and everybody that was there, his handlers,

he was like, "This is what I'm wearing to the Oscars."

I was like (gasping). - That rocks.

And the Oscar goes to, Barry Jenkins

and Tarell Alvin McCraney for "Moonlight."

This goes out to all those Black and brown

boys and girls and non-gender conforming,

who don't see themselves.

We're trying to show you you and us, so thank you-

Tarell McCraney won an
Oscar in a tuxedo I made for him.

And when he walked off, Jimmy Kimmel said,

"And that was also the best tuxedo of the night,

I have to say."

And... Are you serious?

Yeah, and I saved that sound bite,

and it actually took my company through the roof,

because I went on to do Ray Jay's wedding

for "Love and Hip Hop", Tatiana Lee's husband,

I did Mark Ballast, all just
because another Black male

in the LGBTQ+ community believed in me

at a time that was really important for my career.

So what about you lights up a room, Derek?

Oh, just me.

I'm from Ohio, so coming to this Atlanta space,

I don't fit the look and the feel

of what these Atlanta boys are.

I don't got no flat stomach.

I got a wide nose, I got a gap in my teeth,

and I'm fine with that.

And so when I come into a room,

I have to come into a room fully myself,

and be fully present.

So that's a thing that lights up the space for me.

I mean, I got good legs, so I do wear a lotta short stuff.

People would be like, "Just be yourself,"

but that is not easy to get to.

No, well it's not easy to get to,

and it's also not easy to find out who yourself is.

It's a space of being who you
think you're supposed to be,

and then being who you are, and then trying

to marry the two together, and try to find

a happy medium in the middle.

And you found your happy medium, you feel.

No sometimes, there's sometimes I have,

and sometimes I don't.

Some days I'll be like, "What the fuck am I doing?"

You know, it's like, "What is going on?"

But to think about it, it's okay to say that.

It's okay to be like, "You know what?

I don't have it together today,

I don't know what's going on, but you know what?"

I'm okay with that. - I'm okay with that.

'Cause I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

And yet I'll be here,

and I'll be back tomorrow.

♪ You do it, you do it ♪

I'm here in my house, and yeah, welcome.

What does home mean for you?

Home means the safe place for me.

When did you
decide to make that decision

to transition, like-

I'm gonna be honest, I didn't write it down.

It just naturally happened, so.

In educational terms, I started hormone therapy

about four and a half years ago.

But my transition however, was just,

you know me being the true me.

I feel like everyone takes it as a title,

and I think that's what people are getting confused.

It's like, because you transition,

you have to be considered a woman or a female,

which comes off as offensive to some women,

or some females who don't understand,

being your own form of woman could be anything.

So I feel like my transition is just me,

to be the better me.

And once you define someone by their challenge,

you've stigmatized them.

And once you've stigmatized them,

you are prone to ignore their contributions,

and focus on their deficits,

and then consider their deficit the norm.

Many people think a lotta Black families are poor,

when in fact the majority of Black families

are in the middle class and working.

Many people think Black
children come from broken homes

and fatherless homes, when in fact Black dads

take care of their children
more than any other racial group

in the entire country, and that's by a study

by the Centers for Disease Control.

Let's reject narratives that denigrate

and engender division, and work together

so that all Americans, Black, white, gay, straight,

rich or poor, can come together

and build a more caring and prosperous world.

Thank you so much.

We've been through so much as a Black people,

we don't have space or room to condemn.

But humans will condemn the least of these,

and in the Black community,

the gay community is the least of these.

Even within the gay community,
the transgender community

is the least of these.

I draw a lotta strength

from fem presenting queer people.

I thought it was just so cold to see people

who were being themselves in the midst of people

telling them that they shouldn't be that person.

The Marshall P. Johnsons of the world,

we have a duty to them, because they were people

who were bold, and didn't have the luxury

of treating their queerness like T-shirts.

If this is the space I can put my T-shirt on,

but a lot of us have the luxury

of taking it off when need be.

And for our trans sisters, they don't.

And I'm seeing hate crimes for
people who are queer like me.

Michelle Tamika Washington, 40 years old,

and a long time advocate for the LGBTQ community,

was shot several times.

Her death came one day after Malaysia Booker

was found dead in Dallas, Booker was just 23.

One week before those
murders, 21-year-old Claire Legato

was shot in the head in Cleveland.

Earlier this year, two more Black transgender women,

Ashanti Carmen and Dana Martin, were also killed.

Last year, more than two dozen transgender people

were killed, and according to a 2018

Human Rights Campaign report, there were at least

128 trans people killed in 32 states since 2013.

80% of them were people of color.

What in my content creation allows you to have

a lighthearted way of showing
you homophobia, transphobia,

like those biases that we experience every day.

Being a gay man, would you date a trans woman?

Oh no, I don't date women, man.

But she's a... A what? A what?

She's a woman.

But what if she still looks like a-

Maybe I should try to mind my business.

It seems as if you can pass as a woman.

Can you pass as a woman?

I am a woman.

I mean, I'm not saying, you are a woman.

Let me take that back, okay.

I'm my own form of woman, though.

You're your own form of woman,

so please forgive me... No, you're fine.

In that... I get what you're saying.

You get what I'm saying? - I'm passable.

You see, you're passable. - Yeah.

Please educate me. - Real.

Real, you are a woman, but what benefits do you have

being a woman?

Okay, so take the phrase back.

Let's take the phrase back. Educate me.

I am a trans woman, and I like,

'cause this is such a big topic nowadays, and I,

you have to be very correct
when you say I'm a trans woman,

and I am my own form of woman.

I'm the woman that I am, I'm me.

Everything that I've done, I never looked at it,

"Oh, because I'm trans, I can't do it."

I'm like all my other sisters.

If that's the case, I can do anything I wanna do.

Thank you guys. Happy Pride.

I may not be passable to the next person.

So it's like I'm not gonna just say,

"Oh, I'm just the most passable thing,"

but I don't live my life worrying about that.

I do what I want, and I'm gonna go wherever I want.

We fought so long to be free, and I feel like

we're at this moment where
the only thing that holds us back

is what people think, and I
don't care what people think.

So you know, that wasn't your thing.

It's a male, like dating, I'm just not your thing.

But I, nine times outta 10, they never say no.

I actually had fears and phobias

of the transgender and drag queen communities.

When I realized that that was an ignorance of mine,

I said, "I need to face my ignorance."

I volunteered at Transcon,

and I left that conference with friends.

I left that conferences with stories of parents

who had transitioned their children,

and still mourned the death of their original child,

but accepted the life and
birth of the child they now have.

Transitioning opened up doors for me

to do amazing things, because I was me.

So being myself, I'm in a great state of mind

to do whatever I wanna do,

and I'm not holding back doing it.

♪ Perfect as beyond ♪

Me being able to do TV shows,

or being able to compete in ballroom

the way I would wanna compete.

I'm a makeup artist, it seems
more seamless doing it as me.

When I went out into the world as a woman,

I know society's still not understanding of it,

but that never mattered, because I love me,

and I know me loving me so
much, it changed people's minds.

So I would tell any trans girl

to understand yourself, love who you are,

because in this world, not just us are not understood.

There's so many people that aren't understood.

I feel cunty.

But if you understand yourself,

it'll make it more easy for another person too.

People are not with the hiding game anymore.

People aren't big into the DL life anymore,

because people want you to be your authentic selves.

Times are changing, and if
people don't get with the shift,

namely churches and
ministries, they will be left behind.

My friend said to me the other day, he was like,

"You like changed the trajectory

of what being Black and gay looks like.

Remember when Morehouse was having

that whole thing about dressing?

He was like, "You were the poster child for that.

Like they had a picture of you on the thing that said,

'You can't dress like this at school.'"

For people to be like, "I wear Bags 'cause of you.

I could put heels on because of you, and thank you."

And it's like, "Really?"

It feels good to be a part

of the evolution of the new generation.

That was never the mission.

The mission was always for me to be me,

and to be authentically me,
who at least I thought I was.

Oh, what would I say to the younger generation

of gay boys?

It gets better, it really does.

And I would say, just please
don't internalize that stuff.

Write it off as temporary, 'cause it's,

I spent so much of my time unlearning things,

and I think had I just pacified them

as just you spewing your hatred,

it wouldn't have took as long for me to get on my path.

What's funny is my parents made a lotta space

for me to be queer, to be honest.

In hindsight, I did so many things as young boy

in my household that were so okay.

But I think it's back to faith a little bit.

I think God sent me down that path

of like shame or doubt or whatever,

so I can have that experience, to speak to it

in a really real way, because I get it.

I'm not outside the club talking about what goes down.

I'm in there, like I get it.

I think sometimes when people see us

have these kinda conversations, and are vocal

about our sexuality, that we're fully comfortable.

And for me, I haven't gotten there yet.

And so I want people to
understand that it's a journey with,

I'm not even sure where the destination is,

but the journey itself to me

is where the beauty is, you know?

You remind me of Maya
Angelou, when people would ask her

if she was a Christian and she would say, "Well, are you?"

And they would say, "Yes."

And she was like, "Already?"

She was in her 80s when she answered that.

But she would say, "It's still a journey, I'm still on."

So the fact that you're there already,

my dear, good for you.

I'll receive it.

Be, live, duplicate love.

That is our only job.

They asked Jesus, "What is the greatest command of all?"

Love, love God with all your
heart, and love your neighbor.

I believe the church should be focused on love.

That's what Christ was, and that's who Christ is.

Love is actually the center of many world religions,

but humans decide not to focus on it.

I practice my ministry every day, and I tell folks,

"Listen, you can be your authentic self

and still be a representation of God's love on earth."

When I bring two humans
together in love and matrimony,

it's an act of ministry.

When I'm standing on President Barack Obama's stage

and declaring, you know,
that queer rights is Black rights,

and Black rights is human rights,

and human rights is everybody's right,

it's an act of love and ministry.

So it is beyond the four walls,

and it's not coming to you every Sunday,

but it's coming to you every day.

My name is Derek Johnson.

If you google Derek Johnson,

it's the most ordinary-est name on Earth.

I never know I'd be on TV.

I did hair for "Wonder Years."

I did hair for "Our Kind of People."

Just the fact that I was able to put Derek Jae

for consideration for an Emmy, who would,

I didn't think none of that stuff.

Now looking at, looking back at two years old

with me being molested,

I don't think that that's the reason,

you know why I identify as LGBTQ.

You know, I hear my peers talk about superpower.

I think it is what built my superpower

to become this person that was relentless,

because I always used that
to do everything I'm doing now.

So I connect those two in a positive way.

And looking back at my childhood and saying,

you know, I don't want another brown boy

to ever have to go through thinking

that they're bad or they're wrong for who they are.

So when I saw him walking down the hallway, I said,

"I know this guy."

Didn't remember where I know him, I never forget a face.

I'm trying not to cry saying this.

What did you say today?

And I said to him, "I've seen you before."

Sitting here listening to your story,

you kept becoming more familiar.

In 2014, my friend James Bland-

Oh, yeah. - Posted a picture

of you and your husband.

That gave me the courage to come out.

Ooh. - Your act of bravery

is why I'm here now. - Yeah, because.

I know that was scary, but thank you for that, yeah.

You talk about your legacy, you never know the waves.

That's true.

And part of your legacy is me, brother. I thank you.

That's why you have to keep going.

Yeah, absolutely.

Thank you man, for that. Thank you.

That was good. - Thank you.

That was unplanned, okay?

Where's my napkin? Hey, up.

Proudest moment in my life was coming out,

and telling my truth, and living in my truth.

Me living in my authentic self,

I believe that that is why
the doors have opened for me

to do so many amazing things, even to this day.

If I wouldn't have come out, I don't think

that I would have the level
of success I have right now.

And I mean that, because I
wouldn't have been authentic.

I wouldn't have been able to be myself.

All you have to do is just stay true to your space,

what you do, who you are,

and the doors will automatically open for you.

When I look in the mirror, I see Simone,

the girl that I am now, I see myself.

My mother told me to look in that mirror,

so every time I look in the mirror,

I see the girl that I am, 'cause I know who I am.

Unless somebody's standing in it with me.

So what I would say at 50,

that you're never too old to learn.

Now me as a designer, only
started sewing like 10 years ago,

and now I'm considered one of the best

men's wear designers out there now.

I wasn't ready for Michelle Obama,

I wasn't ready for Barack Obama.

I wasn't ready for national exposure,

because I was not my full authentic self.

If I keep my spirit open to the universe,

be as truthful and honest as I can be to myself,

I could do anything, and anything can come my way.

And now all you gotta do is that,

when it comes, you gotta be ready for it.

Think God can do way more with your truth

than he can with your lies.

And I think for me that was my biggest win,

was even if I didn't do a conversation

dedicated to queerness, me existing in my queerness

was gonna be vital to that next step.

Keep going, keep doing what you're doing.

Like, I'm very, I'm proud of you.

I say over time you'll find
yourself over and over again.

It doesn't just happen overnight.

I guess it's a process of life,

'cause you're changing every day.

You're never the same person.

I believe until you bring your full self to the table,

the universe can't recognize you.

So there are things that
are locked up in the universe

that will just stay there
until you bring your full self.

'cause there are elements
of your life that unlock that.

♪ I don't wanna lose it, I don't wanna lose ♪

The opportunity to become a spokesmodel,

for me, just to be able to see the impact,

to kinda spark a change,

and show them that beauty comes in all forms,

mine just happened to be trans.

We are two people who are queer

in a relationship together,

but we also have our own separate queer identities.

From our conversations, you have a son?

Yes. - That is same gender loving.

And you also have a mother... A mother.

That is same gender loving. - Mm-hmm.

Being an athlete and having curiosity

about your sexuality, is probably one

of the hardest walks of life.

No, I haven't had sex.

When I say sex, like intercourse.

I love mess that go on with sex, I just don't wanna do it.

It took me a long time to actually step into my life.

I used to play with my sister's Barbie dolls.

I love doing hair, but I would sneak and do it,

'cause I always said, "Oh, that's gay.

I can't be doing that."

It holds a lot of us back when we get in these spaces

where it almost feels threatening to us

just to get our hair cut.

"It will stay on your side of the house.

We're not paying for you to apply to college.

Don't drink outta our cups."

Hey Mom, hey Dad.

So I know there have been

a lot of suspicion, maybe concerns.

It was a lot for her to handle,

because like I said, you know, we have.

Me being in this seat right now

is showing presence of
something that I've never seen

as a Black gay man in Oklahoma, I didn't see that.

Do I have any fear regarding

being a gay man and raising kids, no.

And my 13-year-old love girls.

What I do in my life has no effect on what he wants to do.

When I met my husband, I had feelings within me

that I had never experienced before.

Our first date, we laid all the cards on the table,

and it's like, "Wow, you still want me?"

It's magical.

And now we have a Gullah Geechee restaurant,

where men that look like us

can come in and feel loved and affirmed.

Black gay people have a right to exist,

and to live and to love where they are.

We are not going away with our issues of sexuality.

We are coming home. - Okay.

♪ I don't wanna lose it, ooh ♪