Original subtitles

In 2005, Ben Rogers began

filming an intimate account of his life

as a heroin addict. I shouldn't be doing

this here because people can see me from

the windows. There we go.

No one knows what Ben intended to do with

this footage, because two years later, at

the age of 34, he unexpectedly died.

I've got no idea until after his death

what he'd actually done, how ******** it

was.

His 30 hours of videotapes reveal 2 very

different sides of Ben's life.

This is Dad and Santi look. He filmed

himself as the loving son and brother he

wanted to be to his family, while at the

same time documenting a life going out of

control. His life

as a heroin. I

can't believe you can be so positive and

surely in the morning.

Oh, come on! I know things

can't go on as they are. I've

made the decision. Now I'd

like you to make a documentary out of all

the tapes that I've made.

And I hope to God you look at these

videos.

You see what kind of mess I got myself

into.

And beautiful flowers.

When Ben Rogers first picked up a camera,

he didn't know he was about to film the

last two years of his life.

In my dad's room, arms car.

My room at the end with the window open.

This is my home.

While he openly filmed his ordinary life,

he seemed determined to capture the dark

side too, on tapes that until after his

death remained unseen by his family.

It's my wonderful father. Doing the

curtains for the spare room.

I love you, Dad. I love you too much.

We're talking to the cameraman. He's

probably here now. Oh, no, don't.

Also, can I tell you I love you?Do you?

Thanks for our

family. My

sister on her wedding date. Why did he

start filming?I really

don't know. It just used to annoy us

because I hate video cameras anyway. And

he'd just pick it up all the time. Hello,

how are you?We don't know what to say at

all. It was a standing family joke that,

you know, oh, don't let Ben see you doing

that, he'll have you on film, you know,

you'll be captured. But yeah, he was

excited about it and I did wonder for a

time whether this could be the thing that

would turn him around. I've

just got off to have a shot. Do you want

to see him?No, it's OK, Ben. Thanks.

All right, Frankie's going to wake up

today. It's

such an enigma to me. Why did a boy from

a loving home with parents and

other siblings that cared about him, why

did Ben ever go down that route?

I know he had a good upbringing. I know

he knew all the difference between right

and wrong, for instance. And I know that

he was a happy child.

there wasn't anything special about us, I

don't think. We just were a very, very

happy family, you know, a big family.

We all knew that we were loved. We had a

lot of time spent with us. We had stories

every night. We had parents who supported

us right through. So, yeah, it was

fabulous. He was a

very normal kid, really, and very loving.

He was a very lovable boy. Everybody

liked him. He was very, very cheeky,

got away with everything he ever did, and

a lot of fun. He was, you know, he was a

fun brother, really. He could walk into a

room, he didn't have to do anything, Ben

didn't, to get a party going. Ben

was the centre of the party, and he

didn't realise that half of the time. He

didn't need to party as hard as he did,

you know. But Ben had to take things just

that little bit further than everybody

else. One night I remembered

I went to Ben's for a party and I

quite liked him at the time. Things were

going quite well. I thought, oh, yeah.

And then Ben got completely bladdered

and passed out. I

used to get out of control. I mean,

if I went out for a drink with him,I

mean, he actually said to me on some

occasions, like, what's the point of

drinking alcohol unless you get smashed?

What is the point of it?

I'm here whenever you're ready.

I'm here whenever you're ready.

All right, mate.

I do think Ben was always searching for

the next thing. I honestly don't

know the first time he ever came across

drugs, but knowing the Ben that I knew,

you know, you would have thought, I'll

give it a try. Really?Yeah. Sometimes

you can.

And there's your couple, you can help. The

first thing I knew was that he was

smoking cannabis. And I didn't sort of

think that it could lead on to, you know,

what it did lead on to. Just

got half of them with Frankie.

Right. OK, you can pause it now.

he told his dad first because he knew

he'd get a calmer reaction from his dad.

He knew that I'd explode, you see. So it

was here in the kitchen actually and he

had his dad by his side and Mike started

the conversation by saying, Ben's told me

he's got a problem and we need to discuss

it with you. He just came out with it. He

said, I've got a problem but I know I can

beat it because I want to. I don't want

to do this anymore but I'm on heroin.

What do you mean you're on heroin?I'm

injecting heroin and I don't want to be

on heroin and I need help. I need you to

help me. So we very calmly said,

yes, of course we'll help you.

Straight into her mouth. I said, didn't

it frighten you now trying it the first

time?But no,

I think he just wanted to try things and

I don't think he ever thought he'd be out

of control with it. He actually admitted

himself, he said to me, Matt, he said,

I'd never thought someone like me would

get addicted to something like that. And

it took hold of him pretty

quickly.

When Ben began filming his life, he'd

been battling his addiction for 14 years.

At least I'm off the crack.

He'd spend short periods clean from

drugs, but the craving for heroin would

always prove too much.

I know he said many times, I wish I'd

never started this, I wish it had never

happened, you know, I wish I could turn

the clock back. But you can't do that,

can you?He certainly didn't

plan to be a drug addict. That wasn't his

role, you know, his aim in life.

Seeing I'm waiting for Rowan

yet again. Rowan says 10 minutes,

you mean he's ******* 2 hours. I was

going to spend 50 pounds with him, I'm

not. I'm going to spend 30 pounds

instead. The last time I seen him.

I haven't felt any anger towards Ben at

all. I'm sure of it. I'm sure it's the

last time I'm going to see him.

Frustration and why?

did you make that silly mistake?And why

couldn't you stop?I've just

found Rowan up. He says he'll be two

minutes, but almost 2 minutes can be

hours. So anyway, I'm

going to give my folks a ring and let

them know they're OK.

By the time he was 30, Ben was taking

heroin up to four times a day. His

veins were so damaged he had to inject

into his groin.

give me an extra free one, an extra free

white, which is very nice of them. It's

the B, two small whites, very

nice of them. So we're going to mix it up

and then we'll have it on film. First and

I'm born in six months.

Anyone who's listening who ******* needs

help, ******* reach out and grab it

because it ain't ******* easy, mate.

Drink can go on from the age of

7 to 35, like mate.

Cannabis abuse can go on from the

******* age of 12, magic mushrooms,

bass, speed, anything

else, ketamine. up until we ******* hit

the smack trail at about 18, just

******* get help,

just do something now. It ain't

******* going to get better, mate. It

ain't going to get better.

I've been doing this **** for 15 *******

years.

Very ****** down.

Whatever we did, we tried getting angry,

we tried tough love, we tried

supporting, and it didn't

matter. It didn't matter what we did. And

what worked on one occasion wouldn't work

on the next occasion. We think, oh, we've

got it sourced. This is the way

forward, and then the next time it

wouldn't work, so...

Good morning. I

feel pretty rough, actually.

My ankles hurt, my knees hurt,

my wrist

hurt. I've got to go.

I forgot. What kind

of side does it wake up to?

How's my addiction affected you, Dad?

How's my addiction affected you?Makes me

feel like

there are times I felt like yesterday.

Last night was like a thing in

hell. I don't want to, I don't

want to upset you, Dad. I know.

I wanted to get well, Ben, but it does

upset me. It upsets me more than the

other now. To see you dropping

off and your eyes all drinking,

your fingers patting, it

just doesn't seem right.

It can get better, it can only get

better. Dad was very gentle

and tried very hard to get to the root of

Ben and understand Ben. His mum was a lot

more pragmatic. and would

want answers off Ben. I mean, it was

Mum that took a photograph of Ben when he

collapsed one night and then made him

look at it the next day and said, this is

what you are doing to yourself.

Sometimes family's not enough. It's not

enough. Family don't know everything, do

they?You know, they don't know everything

about his drug use. What do they know

about it?You know, it's all secretive to

him. Behind closed

doors and away from his family, Ben was

leading an extraordinary double life, a

life he seems determined to capture in

the film.

Nasty. Oh, God, real close up. Real

close up. He always asked me to make

sure I got the full effect, if you know

what I mean, and the shock value. I think

there's a time when I was filming and

he's shame injecting. And then the count

people counting, this is 30 seconds, and

he's in that I think something like that,

and he's unconscious.

Where's Michael?Before

and after.

Two minutes later

and the state is in.

Michael told me. It's the first time I

think we've got a before and after shot.

As you can see, it's pretty ******.

There we go.

You're going to wobble onto the floor. I

don't know. I

hope so. Ben. Yeah.

Look out. This is him.

20 minutes later. It's lovely with the

open stone. Is that a wood-burning stove?

20 minutes after. I've seen one

before, and indeed it is.

Ben kept the seriousness of his addiction

safely for as long as he could. He

managed to hold down a series of

part-time jobs, and at the age of 25,

faced the challenge of full-time work. He

was living in London and working in

London. We'd got him help to get him a

job at a studio, a film studio, which he

absolutely loved. The

time when Ben was happiest

within his work life was when he

worked in the film studio. And I

think that they felt that he had a flair

and he had real potential. Ben

kept his job as a runner for three years,

but it was only a matter of time before

his secret was out. He

was gutted when he lost the job. Why did

he lose it?Well, I think probably because

he was, not doing the job

as he should have been doing because of

what he was doing. I know how

much he loved that job and I know how

much it meant to him. So when that all

fell to bits,

that's really when I felt this is really

getting out of hand now, this is really

getting serious.

Ben would say things like, he'd been

mugged and he'd lost all his money.

He'd put his bank card in the machine and

the machine had taken his card, so he

hadn't got any money.

Can I have 30 quid, Mum?

Yes, all right. Mum, I can't pay

the rent, I can't do this, you know, it

was never for drugs, it was always to do

with, I've had nothing to eat since

yesterday. I don't know.

He was very good at pulling out. strings.

Oh yeah, he was very manipulative. But

then they are.

He would promise me, he would say, I

haven't used, I haven't used for eight

days, I haven't used for nine days. But I

knew he had. It was

lies. Oh,

********. Always went to school drugs.

We ended up with your parents or

something.

Hiya. Are you OK?

I'm just down at the beach. Yeah, I'm

just going to go and get a ticket now.

Yeah, it's lovely. Now

I'm with a couple of mates.

I can't speak.

Thanks, Mum. See you later. Bye.

I think a lot of Ben's life was a lie. He

did try and put an act on for the family,

you know.

It was more and more about Ben until

his whole life was just about Ben.

It was all about getting the next fix and

then trying to hide the fact that he'd

used.

It's almost like a monster that lived

alongside him.

There was lovely Ben and there was user

Ben. And I think there was an enormous

tussle going on between the two Bens a

lot of the time.

Ben, my brother, is the Ben who was, like

the rest of us, just decent,

family man, have a good laugh with him.

ButHe got lost in Ben the

Addict, and Ben the Addict became

20 times as big as Ben the Brother. I

could be out of action to report. You can

mollicog on me all you want, and right

now I need you to treat me like a normal

person. Don't ask me. Let me look

after Bishop, please. I am not having

this discussion. We dreaded family

get-togethers, totally. we always,

Steph and I used to say, is there going

to be a Ben-ishu?We just used to call

them Ben-ishus all the time. And 9

times out of 10 there was,

Christmases, New Years, birthdays. Even

things like my wedding day, my children's

christenings, was always, I hope Ben's

going to be all right.

For example, Christmas, there would be

this big build-upBecause we've always all

got together at Christmas, big family

Christmas, big party. Snow

everywhere, look.

You could see that he had either been

using or was desperately uncomfortable

because he hadn't been using. Hello.

Happy Christmas. Hey.

Hello. Have you been brought some

presents?Yeah. Christmas

tree. Thank you very much, Ella. Thank

you. Everybody was having a nice time.

We'd had dinner and everything else. And

Mike and I went outside to the front of

the house to have a cigarette. And

while we were standing talking, Ben went

into the downstairs toilet and didn't put

the blind down. And I knew that he was

doing something. And I let it go.

And that amazed me. Because I'd always

said that if it impinged on my kids, that

I would have a big problem with that.

Hello. but I just

didn't see the point of adding more

hurt and anger and angst onto

a family that was struggling.

Stephie and Sam and I often wonder why we

weren't more angry with Ben. You know, I

think a lot of brothers and sisters would

have just washed the hands of him, but we

desperately just wanted to keep him as

part of the family.

My kids always knew what his problem was.

And I think they accepted him how he was,

but I think they were sad. I think

initially it was Uncle Ben's not very

well when they were little. And then,

certainly by the age of 10, they were all

aware that he had got a drugs problem.

Because you couldn't hide it.

It's special. I love you. I had a

nice haircut, and I seemed to have woken

up with a bit of toothpaste in my hair.

I love missing. At the age of

30, Ben got in touch with an old

girlfriend. They soon fell in love,

and Ben began the one relationship that

might turn his life around.

Well, they planned their life together.

They were going to get married and have

children and everything that young

couples do when they're in love.

When his girlfriend moved to Bournemouth,

he wanted to be with her and she loved

him very much and she still believed she

could help him.

But she wouldn't have him living with

her. She didn't want that sort of

commitment unless he was, you know, out

of his addiction. In

Southbourne Cliffs Loof, I get a nice

picture of the sea from there.

Yes, can you see that nice bit of sea

from there?Yes, you can. You can see the

sea from there. And now we are, just

about to have, we'll zoom

in. Nicely on this nice head of white

we're going to have here. I'm brown. I'm

brown, so we're going to kill ourselves.

Cool. I always thought that

she was his best chance.

I thought if he was going to make the

commitment in his own mind to

sort himself out, I thought he might do

it for her. Do you have a dashboard

looking at this?Anything that keeps me

going, I'm trying so hard for you. I

really am.

I have problems, but

nothing that can't be beaten.

You're going to do me first. I'll come

like that first, then I'll do you after.

I can see us living in

the Peak District. Just

put it on there like that. I can see us

walking the fowls and

spotting wild animals,

chasing each other,

just growling together. She was

his best friend, she was his advocate.

She saw him at his worst, she saw him at

his best. She tried to help

him get clean. She made him believe in

himself. She encouraged him.

She spoke about a future with him, about

having children with him. And

she loved him very much. But

the heroin was bigger. He really

wanted to kick it because he wanted a

future with his girlfriend. He really

did. But he just, he just couldn't do it.

At the end of the day, he couldn't do it

even for her. It's white, it's good

though, you know. Yeah. Just better than

yesterday's. I've tasted it on my

lips already. Yeah. You split yours,

haven't you?I think she

did everything that she could,

but he lied to her all the way

through. It's nice. It's

not even facing me up. Give us a camera

and I'll do you. Quick.

And we went through to Bournemouth once

or twice when they were having particular

trouble, and she'd ring us up and she'd

be in tears. And because

he did some pretty rotten tricks against

her, he actually stole from her. But I

do think that once she said, that's

enough, I can't deal with this anymore,

and walked away from him, I do think he

gave up a lot then, you know, he did

decide then. What's it worth, and there's

nothing to strive for. And

I think my hope went as well.

Ben spent several months in Bournemouth,

using an assumed name for his drug

friends. Hi, Carl, it's Danny. He started

begging on the street for money and would

sleep on the beach or in his car. All

right, mate.

It's 11 o'clock in the morning. I'm

at Princess Court. Mission a

tourist dealers area. I

shouldn't be doing this here because

people can see me from the windows.

There we go. Cooked up

on a can from the street.

Again.

We tried to give him so much

encouragement.

But it just doesn't work. People say

they've got to want to stop themselves.

Well, Ben wanted to stop. Others say

they've got to get right to the bottom.

They've got to be lower than low. Well,

Ben got lower than low. I mean, Ben was

living rough down in Boscombe in

Bournemouth. To get a shower, he had to

go into a drug drop-in place.

And he was begging. You know, I mean, I

don't think you get much lower than that.

How low do you have to get before you can

do it?I don't know.

Years of injecting were starting to take

their toll. Ben was diagnosed with deep

vein thrombosis and called his parents

for help. So we

persuaded him to come back home. We said,

we'll get you well, and you know, then

you'll be fine.

At the age of 32, Ben was brought back

from Bournemouth to his home village of

Alton to be looked after by his mum and

dad.

His failure to kick his heroin addiction

was now seriously affecting his health.

What was he like when he got back?It was

something else he'd failed at. So he'd

gone down with hopes and aspirations and

dreams of what he was going to do and he

was going to get clean. And he came back

and he'd failed. And not only had he

failed, he was also quite ill by that

time. I shouldn't feel

this old at thirty-two. It was

almost like he'd been on this mad

journey, and you know he'd come home at

the end of it, really.

This isn't good for anyone, At

that stage, I just felt it was really sad

seeing him living at home with Mum and

Dad. And to me, it was a little bit like

he'd lost a bit of his spirit. We

were quite relieved to get him back,

really. For Mike and I, it was

less worry to have him at home than have

him away, because at least we knew where

he was when he was at home. We could keep

tabs on him, you know. But I think he

resented us bringing him back and I think

he felt that, we'd forced him almost,

although there was no force involved. But

I think he felt as though we'd been made

to come back.

See, if they'd left me in Boston, I'd be

able to make money.

Even just driving people around, I could

make money.

You know, I could even

beg 60 quid on a Friday night.

I'm up here all fed up

so quickly. This is what I

am and what I've been for a long, time.

I'm a drug addict.

Living in a place like Alton, everybody

knows everybody's business. And what

shocked me when I saw his face, because

Ben's quite a baby face complexion,

how he aged. it was

starting to ravage him. It was

shocking to see what it had done to him.

I'd seen him out the shop a couple of

times and I'd seen people going in

fetching alcohol for him.

Outside the shop, I'm 12p short of two

cans of white lightning.

Running down to have a drink.

Knock yourself out.

God bless all the good people. It's Jean

Seddon.

Don't forget me on film

Rogers. It's Jean Seddon. What are you

doing?Friend of mine. What are

you doing up here?I'm looking for 12P.

Twelve P?Yeah. God.

that 12p or anything is

not going to make any difference to

anything.

people were lost with him.

And a lot of them were saying,

when's he going to sort of grow up and

get real?And

people just moved on with their lives and

unfortunately Ben didn't.

Everyone knew Ben was ill.

it didn't take a genius to realise from

seeing him go for a walk down the village

how bad he was. He looked a

mess. The

majority of the time used to stink of

booze. He went really

skinny and to me

it just looked like a

heroin addict. Oh,

fantastic chip night.

What we like, and my dad's

fantastic

eggs. We're having tomatoes. Yeah. Oh,

fantastic. Well, they

don't eat very well, you know, but as his

mother, I was anxious to feed him, feed

him up, you know, so I'd make a nice

dinner, give it to him on a plate, very

often in his room, sometimes downstairs,

sometimes in front of the television.

Hey, Tash. How you doing?And he'd never

get to the end of it because he'd just

fall asleep. he'd have taken something

and his head would get lower and lower

and lower and sometimes it would end up

actually in the plate, you know. That

woke him up there. That brought him to

an awful waste of good food.

We asked him not to do it at home. you

try all these things, but like I

say, it's such a battleground in the end

that sometimes it's just easier to turn

the other cheek and, try and ignore

what's going on.

It has an awful effect on your social

life. We didn't do a lot of socialising

here. I know once or twice he showed us

up badly when we had people here where

they had to leave early because Ben

arrived back.

I used to say it's almost like having a

special needs child. You

can't have respite for a weekend, you

can't put them into care for the weekend,

but you can't leave them on your own.

What do you do?I mean, the only other

option was to tell him to go. And at one

point, we did refuse to have him at home

for two weeks. And he was wandering

around the village with a black plastic

bin bag with his belongings in and

sleeping rough. And that's worse. You

know, that was worse, really.

Maybe it would have been better if he'd

gone to prison. and did a prison

sentence. maybe that would have cured

him. I don't know, but we were

overprotective. He was our youngest son.

You know, we loved him to bits. He was a

very loving son. And it's very

hard to be hard.

Ben's parents had twice put him through

expensive detox programmes, but both

times he'd relapsed.

Now with his health deteriorating, he

decided to try and do it himself and go

cold turkey. And I've

failed before, but I've never thought

like this before.

And now I'm ready. I'm going to

push for rehab as hard as I possibly can.

OK?Yeah. I love you. Start of a new

life. I love you. I love you too. It's a

turning point in my life. Yeah, it's a

real turning point, Ben. Best chance

you've ever had. I just think that

maybe the different approach is the one

that you need. It's the only chance to

submit them.

I love you, Dan. I love you too, Ben.

Ben would need to go five days without

drugs to get detoxed, and his parents

locked him in the house to stop him from

scoring. Quit

off method out there is the hardest thing

in the world.

And Harry, Harry's full hearing. Yeah,

but in my defence, Bex. I've

got three days, but don't let you down.

Just what I'm going to at the moment. Why

was I the alcoholic?Andy, do you know

this camera?He's in here,

okay?Now

you can see him. What did you say in my

life?

Into the third day, I feel hot and

sweaty. I feel quite a

good chicken skin.

Very emotional. Very emotional.

Yeah, you've done very well really. I

mean, I have visions of you trying to get

out through the door and that, but you

haven't. You've played by the rules.

Yeah. And I know it's not been easy.

Certainly there's people praying for you

right now, Ben. You have been for several

days really hard. I'm

really relentlessly praying for you.

Yeah.

Later that night, Ben got so desperate

for drugs, he jumped out of his bedroom

window and broke his foot.

Days later, he was back on heroin. Ben,

I'm appalled at you. I'm appalled. I

can't believe you're doing this.

I can't believe you can be so positive

and sure in a morning and

determined. I am.

That's why I'm saying that we set

up a camp bed in the toilet. I go

and get a file to the

pot. And how long's your files with the

pot going to last you?

Withdrawing from drugs isn't taking pot

while you're doing it. That's stupid. No,

it's not.

Pulse me sleep.

Do you know, I can understand how people

kill people. Do you know that?I can

understand what makes people kill people

now. Can

I take?All I wanted to do, Mum, is set up

a camp bed in the toilet. For

how many hours?And let me detox myself

for three days. For how many hours?

Until you're yelling for the car keys or

money. Or you're throwing yourself

through a bloody window again.

No. Well, I desperately want to do this.

Well, it's like a

bloody nightmare. All this is just like a

bloody nightmare.

And it's all about you, isn't it?

You know what's the hardest thing of all,

Ben?You give us a little bit of hope

and then you ****** it back again.

I don't know. I've had to come to terms

with my feelings for Ben and

it would be very hard for me to be bitter

and angry with him now becauseTo be

honest, he did ruin what should have been

our retirement. Mike couldn't retire

because we needed the money. He had no

pension scheme and that was because of

Ben. You know, we had no surplus money.

So Mike was working. So I could be very

angry and very bitter about Ben, but I

won't be, I can't be, I mustn't be,

because I gave birth to him

and I knew the other side of Ben.

And we loved him. If

you weren't doing what you did, Ben, we

wouldn't worry about you and then you

wouldn't have to worry about us. I'm

staying alive the duration, Dad. There's

not much of a life left.

We have if we want to. I

haven't, Ben. You've got to be practical

about it. I'm 71.

But I'm still working. Dad

needs to be working now, Dad. If I stop

working, Ben, we'd have to sell the house

because we can't afford to live here.

Dad, you don't need to keep working for

me.

Seriously, you don't need to keep working

for me.

Please.

I've got to burn. You haven't.

Anyway, God bless.

Good night. Can I get into bed?Do you

want me to get out of the car and walk

down the road then?No, it's OK.

I

wasn't aware of people coming to the

house, but I was, I knew that Dad would

sometimes drive Ben to the dealers and

park around the corner. Can you

give him one of them back and then I

guess they cross the road

and then lighters back. Yeah.

I just can't believe that Dad, who is

such a decent, hard-working man of

great faith, would be put in this

position that he would have to go and

seek drugs out for his youngest

child.

What we did was wrong. What we did was

illegal. We were party to helping

him, and providing him with money was

helping him. It is

hard when you see all your money going up

in whatever. It causes a

lot of heartache and a lot of worry.

I've lost my ******* can of cider.

You know where the **** I put it?

I've looked everywhere and I can't find

her.

Drugs make you very paranoia. ******

******. His mind was in chaos. He

couldn't live in his skin. You know,

drugs affect your mental thinking. It

affects your memory. I don't know what

I've done with it. was like living with

Jekyll and Hyde. Where the

**** did you put

it?You see, when you're on pills, you

hide things. When you're

on drink, you hide things. When you're on

smack, you hide things.

You never know where you put things.

I'm sure it does this.

Does it leave a kind of side around there?

Does it leave a kind of side around

there?Yeah. All right,

mate.

********.

No, I heard it.

Just lose everything, including life. Oh,

come on! I

knew it was losing him as a friend

because he couldn't control it anymore.

He wasn't Ben. No, it was somebody

else now.

He went in his own little world.

I don't think he realised what was going

on around him and what damage it was

causing.

When you're on drugs, your head's all

over the place, your body's hurting.

It's just horrible.

His life wasn't worth living. It was hell

for him. All right, it was hell for us

too. But it was worse for him.

Lucky business.

You cannot live at that level of

A, depravity, B, chaos, and

C, complete

preoccupation with a chemical substance

and it not impact on every other area of

your life. And it is not compatible with

life. Well,

what do you

want me to do?I don't want to be. I want

to see how I am. I'm telling you how you

are. I'm tired. No, it's not tiredness.

Don't give it up. That whole bloody ****.

I think just having this camera

in his hand, he was in control of the

camera. if he wasn't in control of

anything else in his life at all, it was

his way of hiding behind the camera,

turning it into a film and it doesn't

seem as real. And that's what, that's

really what I think he was doing by

filming it. It's like he was watching it

happen to somebody else rather than it

actually having to deal with the fact

that it was him.

At the age of 71, Ben's father Mike

was diagnosed with a terminal illness.

This proved to have a profound effect on

Ben. It all

very rapidly changed for Ben, I think,

when Dad was diagnosed with his cancer.

He just seemed to want to do something

about his own problems then.

But if there was a change at all towards

the end, I think it was the realisation

that he'd messed up big time. And I think

Ben would have liked to have

done something positive for Mike

those last few months.

For the first time in his life, Ben

decided to check himself into a detox

unit at a local hospital.

Yes, ma'am. Have you got a bag for

tomorrow?Yes, one you

wash for me, it's on the... No, bag.

Oh yeah, it's the one you wash for me.

I'm on camera, do you want to say hi?Hey.

I'm on camera, do you want to say hi?

Hello. Take your dirty cup.

This time was the only time he went and

saw the rehab from South.

I just need somebody to see me. I need a

chance now. He was quite frightened, I

think. I

can't wait to get into hospital and I

promise you ******* what I do. That

mask can change Mum.

Dad, I'm sorry.

I want you to be proud and be fond of my

life. And I just think of me as

a ******* ****** ********* junkie.

******* alcoholic piece of *******

crap. Because I'm not really a promise. I

promise. It's 1309.

This perhaps would be the time that he

was going to sort himself out. Don't

drop, you *******.

Three or four days before we had the,

well, I don't know if I really want to do

it. creeping into the conversation

because I think he at that time was quite

afraid that he actually couldn't survive

without the drugs. And that was the last

time that I spoke to him.

******* **** for ******* line.

So ******* tired. This *******

****. I'm so *******

****** *** with it. Why

the **** have I got to ******* do this to

himself all the ******* time and I know

I'm dying. I know I'm ******* dying.

I've been like this since I was a *******

kid. I just ******* I know I ******* my

body's packed up and I'm still *******

doing it to myself. I

******* hate it.

I think I'm dying. I

think I'm dying.

My stomach's hurting constantly.

Coughing, blood. I

feel left so sick.

I've been passing blood from just about

every hour of fish you can imagine.

Really not very well.

Really not well. So

this is my task.

Please, Lord,

please forgive me for all my sins. I've

never been a bad person and I never meant

to be. I'm in my eyes again now.

I love you, Mum, and I love you, Dad. I

love my family. I'm

sorry. Sorry that I

failed.

.

.

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