Original subtitles

SOMBRE MUSIC

SOBS Tim.

Tim?

Tim.

Oh, come on, Tim. Don't be silly.

So, Rose is the taller one, Vera.

And Tim, well, he's the one... sleeping.

"I'm sure he's fine,"

she said, unconvincingly.

Maybe his furnace has gone out.

CRIES: Oh!

Tim!

SOBS

DARK, DRAMATIC MUSIC

LOW RUMBLING

WHOOSHING

ZAP

DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES

EVIL CACKLING ECHOES

STORMY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

This close.

I was this close!

Can't a witch catch a break and break a couple of children?

I did tell you they were slippery.

Oh, did you?

Forgive me if I don't pay heed to the ramblings

of a smelly giant with an odour that would be picked up

all the way to the Ning Nang Nong, where the cows go "bong"!

COW MOOS

Ha! All those eyes in your big, empty head,

and none of them work.

I'm Badjelly, the most fearsome witch in all the land.

There's not a single creature out there

who doesn't tremble in fear at the very whisper of my name.

Yet a couple of snotty-nosed kids and...

Oh.

Did they have a worm wearing a hat with them?

Oh. Takes all sorts, I suppose.

And you. The entire time you've been hanging around my castle,

you've never mentioned how shifty those brats are,

despite my generous hospitality.

Yeah, we did cow-nap her, though, didn't we...?

Not once!

No insight!

Not a clue!

Well? LUCY GULPS

Ohh.

I can't stay mad at you.

GIGGLES QUIETLY

Well, you know what they say - if you want a child kidnapped,

never send a giant to do a witch's job

whose work is never done.

CHUCKLES

WHOOSH

Oh, right, yeah. It's kaput. Would you like me to help?

We could go together. I could actually pack us a picnic.

Picnic? SCOFFS

I'm going to capture those irritating little urchins.

We are not going for a jolly in the park.

Get it?

But as you've got the pockets,

bring along those mushroom vol-au-vents.

WHIMSICAL BRASS MUSIC

Not so fast, Dulboot!

I'm down here, remember?

Oh, right, yeah. No, I knew that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll go a bit slower for you, then.

SLOW, LURCHING MUSIC

FOOTSTEPS THUNDER

SIGHS Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

DISTANT BOOMING No, no, no, no, no! Not again!

WHIMSICAL, LURCHING MUSIC CONTINUES

Come on, come on!

Why do I have so many keys?!

YAWNS

Oh, come on, Dulboot.

For goodness' sake, while I'm still young!

Front door. Back door. Garden shed. What are these for?!

Yes! Come on, come on, come on!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Get a move on, giant!

ENGINE TURNS OVER Come on!

ENGINE STARTS Yes! Ha-ha! Not today!

CRASH

Ugh!

Find a middle speed!

GROANS

Missed the wheel.

SOFT, MELANCHOLIC MUSIC

"I think Bearded Mountain is this way,"

she said, pointing over her shoulder.

You're not actually pointing. Oh, what a goose!

And what are we gonna do with Tim?

We could drag him.

Uh... Oh, I don't know.

Hm?

Or we could roll him. OK, I'll put it...

Listen, I'll put it to the group.

Uh, no, no, no. I did a first-aid course once with Dad.

He said not to move them. They might have an injury,

and moving them could make it worse.

We just need to keep him warm and safe. If...

No, when he wakes up, we can keep going.

Wake up, Tim.

OK, OK, I'll ask. CLEARS THROAT

Uh, excuse me, Rose?

Aunt Vera used to always sing us a lullaby when we were poorly.

Worked like a charm. Would you mind if she gave it a go?

That would be very kind. Thank you, Binklebonk.

Oh, and thank you, Vera.

GENTLE, TINKLY MUSIC

EAGLE SCREECHES

BADJELLY: Where are they?

Oh. What the...

Why is everything so sepia? Is there a filter on this?

STAMMERS ANGRILY

Dulboot! I was just looking for

a lovely little place for us to have our picnic.

Use one of your eyes and look. And be quick about it.

Aah, ooh. This harness is starting to chafe.

CURIOUS MUSIC

Oh, we could go over there by those, um...

destroyed houses. LIGHTNING ZAPS

LAUGHS GLEEFULLY

Oh, a little saunter down memory lane.

Oh, I remember when this was all houses, haberdasheries

and family restaurants. Now it's all scorched earth,

charred remains and smoking craters. LAUGHS

THUNDER RUMBLES Oh, there's holes in the sky.

Oh, Dulboot,

it was a great time to be a witch.

Top of my game back then.

Feared, powerful... CHUCKLES

..easy on the eye. CHUCKLES

I'm getting wet out here, Dulboot.

I don't relish a rainy retrospective.

SOFT, WHIMSICAL MUSIC

CRACK

Clumsy sausage-fingered fool!

ZAP Huh! Oh!

GROANS Oh, get me out of this rain.

WHIMSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES

Dulboot, you stupendous simpleton!

WHACK

Oh... Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh!

GRUNTS

Ah, ah, ah...

Please make sure your belongings are secure.

We are currently experiencing some light turbulence.

CLINKING

QUICK, WHIMSICAL MUSIC

Ugh. Oh, I shouldn't have had those kippers for breakfast.

MUSIC CONTINUES

BUZZER BLARES

CLINK, WARBLING

MUSIC CRESCENDOES, FADES

BRIGHT, PEACEFUL MUSIC

What a beautiful place.

Isn't that a beautiful place, Badjelly? Look at that.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oh, gasp!

Uh... Uh...

Wallet, watch, witch.

Oh, knickers.

TENSE MUSIC

CROW CAWS

COYOTE HOWLS Dulboot?

THUNDER RUMBLES

DARK, TENSE MUSIC

Some of my best work.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so...

excessive.

Well, at least the information booth's still standing.

ZAP

Aha!

CHUCKLES A farm.

Right, let's show them who's boss.

MUMBLES

Ooh, um...

Ohh.

RUSTLING

CURIOUS MUSIC

Uh...

EXHALES, BREATH WHOOSHES

WARM, CURIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES

GIGGLES

Uh...

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

What a dump.

Hello?

Frightened farmers?

Petrified peasants? CHUCKLES

Lily-livered livestock?

Cautiously reluctant cattle?

Hello?

H-Hello?

INSECTS BUZZ

Yuck! STOMACH RUMBLES

Dulboot, bring the picnic!

Oh.

That's right.

Ugh.

CRUNCHES

Oi! You've eaten my watertight cladding.

Ugh! What?

Typical. A few years out from paying off my mortgage,

and some greedy old crone takes a bite out of my house.

I thought it was just an apple.

I didn't know some mouthy maggot was squatting in it.

Oh, charming, that is!

You're the perpetrator of this inconsiderate chomping,

and you've the audacity to be name-calling.

I've a good mind to talk to my...

MP!

What's that?

Bad Smelly?

LAUGHS

What an unfortunate depiction of some pathetic old wi...

It's supposed to be me, isn't it?

SCOFFS That's just mean.

They haven't even attempted to capture my radiance.

Honestly. THWAP

TENSE MUSIC

Give me my ball back, man!

BRIGHT, CURIOUS MUSIC

How tall are you? Are you taller than a house?

Are you taller than the sky? How high is the sky?

Is the sky higher than a house? Uh...

We should play a game. Have you ever played a game?

What games do giants play?

Do they just play big games, or can they play small games?

Oh, uh... Ooh. What's a small game?

I don't know. MUNCHES

I guess all my games are small if you're big...

MUNCHES ..and all your games are big games to me.

BOTH CHUCKLE

You know what? I'm gonna say it. You're funny.

Am I the funniest? Who's the most funny person you know?

What's their best joke? I have a joke!

Knock, knock. Uh, what?

WHISPERS: Say, "Who's there?"

Um, who'suh, who's there?

Do you wanna play hide-and-seek?

Eh? Um,

I don't know any jokes, but we could play hide-and-seek.

I'm the best seeker around here,

so you should hide.

Find somewhere to hide, and I'll count to 20.

One and two...

and three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

CHUCKLES Go on. Prove it, then.

I don't have to prove to you I'm a witch -

any more than you have to prove you're an ugly-looking dog.

It's obvious.

Prove it. Prove it. Prove it.

Stop that!

GRUNTS

Look!

Don't you see the resemblance? It's me.

Me! Bad Smelly...

Badjelly...

the witch!

SNEERS Whatever.

She's well scarier than you. It is me!

Sort of. The little toot cloud she's doing -

a witch of my pedigree would never do that.

Oh, man.

I would run a mile if I saw that witch coming at me.

I would not mess with her.

So don't mess with me.

Don't you mess with me.

Don't you stomp your feet at me.

I'm the most feared witch in all the land.

Yeah, yeah. So you've said.

Well, if you're a witch, do us some magic, then.

Turn me into a... a...

a profiterole.

I'm a witch,

not a pastry chef.

Oh, nah. Knew you couldn't.

You're rubbish. You're rubbish, bony lady.

Pack it in!

GRUNTS

Why am I arguing with this itchy-looking sheep?

If only Dulboot were here.

What's a Dulboot? Sounds like a boring shoe to me.

He's my giant servant.

He's as tall as my castle -

which is huge -

and has five,

maybe 10 eyes...

GASPS ..and hands the size of...

GIGGLES

What are you laughing at?

CHUCKLES I've got us a castle too.

No, you don't. Yeah, I have -

with a massive dragon that's... that's taller than a giant.

It's, like, taller than a really tall, tall thing.

Ha! It can shoot fire out of its eyeballs. Yeah,

and it's got six or maybe seven fire-shooting eyeballs.

Maybe 11. I don't know, maybe 100 all round his head!

Wait until I get Dulboot.

He'll stamp you out like the hairy gooseberry you are.

Oh, yeah, whatever.

If you love your giant so much, why don't you marry him?

L-Love?

Uh, uh... I-I don't...

I mean, I-I...

SINGS MOCKINGLY: Oh, you love a giant! You wanna marry him!

No.

I... like him.

Yeah, sure. He tries to be helpful,

and he doesn't smell that bad, I suppose.

Besides, I'm an independent witch.

GIGGLES I need to find him.

He'll be lost without me, a-and...

I without him.

LAUGHS Oh, I gotta stop.

Oh, it hurts. Oh! Ugh! Ugh...

THUNDER RUMBLES DISTANTLY

GLOOMY MUSIC

# There's a nothingness inside of me

# It's empty, and it's bare

# A horridable affliction

# A deep and dreadful fear

# What is this odd feeling Deep inside my soul?

# Is it gastroenteritis

# Or a big Dulboot-sized hole?

# There's something deep inside Of me

# It's fuzzy, and it's warm

# A wonderful, full feeling That isn't quite the norm

# What's this strange sensation That's down inside my belly?

# A chronic form of happiness

# Or lack of a Badjelly?

MUSIC SOARS

# How do I become the witch I know I need to be?

# Am I a big old giant boy The world will want to see?

# Without a giant sidekick # I sing upon to thee

# Maybe I'm just stuck with you

# And you are stuck with me. #

SMACK

Pheurgh!

This hill smells like...

Dul...

CURIOUS MUSIC

..boot?

Ah, um... Badjelly. CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Uh, this... Uh, th-th...

this is Bunny, uh,

my... my... my friend.

Hello. Dulboot's my best friend.

Huh?

GRUNTS ANGRILY

GROWLS

DARK, OMINOUS MUSIC

BADJELLY GRUNTS, PANTS

Agh!

SHRIEKS FURIOUSLY, ZAP

SOMBRE MUSIC

PANTS Phew.

GRUNTS

CACKLES

CRACK

Still got it.

SOMBRE MUSIC

BADJELLY CACKLES

You don't need friends.

You've got me!

Everyone should tremble in fear at your presence.

At our presence. These pathetic animals aren't our friends,

they're our lunch at best.

Speaking of which -

as a witch speaking -

where's that picnic?

Oh, you really thought

that flea-ridden rabbit would be your friend?

You expected to be hanging out with their bunny buddies,

slurping carrot juice, scoffing carrot cake?

Oh, what else? Um...

carrot brulee? LAUGHS

SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES

You're fooling yourself.

The moment they glimpse your frightful, eye-filled face,

they'll hop away in terror!

I suppose you're right.

Of course I'm right!

Now take me home, giant.

We'll just have a quick detour through some dilapidated farm

to squash an impudent goat.

Maybe we'll see another rabbit - make you a pair!

CACKLES

A pair! CONTINUES LAUGHING

DARK, MOODY MUSIC

YAWNS

SPINE CRACKS Oh, dark already.

Did you get lost, giant?

I'll check my messages. Spam. Spam. Spam. Eggs.

Sausages. Spam. Ooh...

Wait a second. What's this?

Ohhh.

CHUCKLES That's right.

I'd forgotten about that lot.

It's funny how you get so obsessed by something or other

and then forget it all over a cocky goat and sappy rabbit.

Hm. Well,

as terrible as the day started -

with hollow-headed giants and tight-lipped cows...

I have to say,

stretching my legs and reminiscing on past destruction

has really put the vinegar back in my vigour!

I feel 180 again!

Woo-hoo! CHUCKLES

SOFT, SAD MUSIC

Dulboot!

The boy and the girl look like they're absolutely, positively,

fantastically wrecked!

The girl's lost all hope. Pathetic.

She'll climb into my pot willingly

just to stop feeling so sad.

Boo-hoo!

LAUGHS

And the boy? Well, he's out cold.

We'll drop him into the boil without a struggle - plop!

He's never going to wake up!

GASPS Rose!

Oh, Tim!

WARM, UPLIFTING MUSIC

Worked like a charm, Vera.

OK, Rose, you can stop now.

I'm fine.

ROSE STRAINS

GENTLE STRING MUSIC

DING

Huh. That mountain winked.

OK. You might need to rest a little longer.

DARK, DRAMATIC MUSIC

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