Original subtitles

DARK, DRAMATIC MUSIC

LOW RUMBLING

WHOOSHING

ZAP

DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES

EVIL CACKLING ECHOES

MUM: Tim! DAD: Tim!

Rose! Rose!

Lucy! Lucy!

This is worrying me, Leo.

We're getting very deep into the forest.

Hey, I'm sure they're just up ahead.

You know what? Maybe Fluffybum can sniff them out. Here.

MEOWS

PURRS UNCERTAINLY

Go on. Go on. Find the kids.

MEOWS, SNIFFS

CURIOUS MUSIC

PURRS CURIOUSLY

Meow!

Meow! Meow!

HISSES

YOWLS SUSPICIOUSLY

Oh, yeah. I forgot that cats are weird.

What if they're scared?

What if they're having the worst day of their lives?

This is the best day of my life!

We should totally battle through a deadly network

of booby-trapped tunnels more often.

Once was fine for me.

Rose, when we've rescued Lucy,

can we please take her back to the Unfungi's lair?

Please, please, please, please?

Yeah, it was pretty fun.

But Mum and Dad will be super worried about us.

We need to get Lucy and get back home as fast as possible.

Yeah. You're right.

Welcome, my friends - and terrifying acquaintance -

to the Drownded River!

It's even wetter than I imagined.

A quick ride on Mudwiggle's ferry,

and you'll be at Badjelly's castle before teatime.

I'll escort you to the boat, and then you're on your own.

Though, honestly, I don't know how you'll cope without me.

We can handle it. We'll be fine.

No, no. You're right.

Better not talk about it, or we'll get a bit emotional.

Ooh. Badjelly must have been through here.

These boats are looking pretty smashed up.

The closer you get to her castle,

the more danger you're in.

Everyone needs to be very careful.

Hey, Rose. Forget that rusty old ferry.

I'm gonna swim across.

I just got my 100m front crawl badge.

Step away from the water, or you'll be getting

your "being a skeleton on the riverbed" badge.

Ugh! Fine.

GASPS

What if I hop in Rusty's mouth,

and he spits me across the river, like skimming a rock?

Brilliant idea. Terrible idea!

Sorry. Your mum says no.

Hey! I'm not his mum. I'm his sister.

And all I want is for Tim

to avoid doing anything dangerous for a bit.

Now, Binklebonk, about this Mudwig...

Argh!

Uh, how long is "a bit"?

GULLS SCREECH

GENTLE MUSIC

Now, when you meet Mudwiggle, remember to be very respectful.

Of all the sea captains in the land,

Mudwiggle is the toughest, strongest,

meanest, strongest,

most intimidating and strongest.

Wait, did I say "strongest"?

MUDWIGGLE: Well, that's one heck of an introduction.

Captain Mudwiggle at your service.

Wow. I didn't know worms could be sea captains.

Oh, yeah.

Worms can be anything, if they put their minds to it.

My brother's a spy.

He's currently deep undercover in a compost heap.

My brother's an acorn, and he lives in my hat.

My brother's a liability, but we won't get into that.

All right.

So, what can I do for this unlikely group of friends?

We have to get to Badjelly's castle

to rescue our friend Lucy.

Can you take us across the river?

Ah, wigglesticks!

I'd love to help. I really would. But today's my day off.

Can't you make an exception?

Fraid not. It's Shark Thursday, mate.

Is that what I think it is?

On Thursdays the river is filled with sharks. Oh!

It's a shame you didn't visit one of the other days of the week.

They're all super nice.

We've got Friendly Nod Monday,

It's All Groovy Tuesday,

Sunday Roast Wednesday,

Cupcake Friday,

Amateur Jazz Saturday.

So there is a worse day than Thursday.

And my personal favourite, Sudoku Sunday.

Gotta work the body. Gotta work the brain.

But unfortunately, today is Shark Thursday,

so the river is full of sharks.

ALL LAUGH

There you are! One girl and one boy -

perfect for making delicious boy-girl soup.

Planning a pleasure cruise down the Drownded River, are we?

I don't think so!

Dulboot!

THUNDEROUS FOOTSTEPS

I'm glad you called, Badjelly,

because I've finally perfected my recipe for bluebarry pie.

Is it made from real Barries?

I've used a much healthier fruit alternative.

Yuck! I don't want your hippie pie.

I want you to do something useful.

Well, I've plumped all your pillows, desplintered your broomstick

and pre-wrote you a big pile of thank-you cards. Huh?

I'm a terrifying witch.

What on earth would I do with thank-you cards?

Give them to a special giant?

Pfft! That's not going to happen.

What I need is a boy and a girl

to make boy-girl soup,

so I can restore my powers to their full strength.

And luckily,

I know exactly where to find them.

LAUGHS EVILLY

THUNDER BOOMS

Look, I'll gladly take you down the river

first thing tomorrow.

After all, it's Cupcake Friday.

Ohh! Her enthusiasm for cake has me convinced I'll love it.

Maybe we should wait.

We can't wait.

Lucy can't spend another night alone in Badjelly's castle.

Oh, she won't be alone.

She'll be surrounded by all manner of evil creatures.

There has to be another way across.

No!

Not a single one, I'm afraid.

And I know this river like the back of my...

map which has a map of the river on the front of it.

Oof! I've been sailing these waters my entire life.

Nowadays, my vessel is the only one that's watertight.

Well, more or less.

But it's certainly not shark-proof.

Well, what if we ask the sharks nicely?

Maybe they'll let us sail through, just this once.

You've got Big Captain Energy, girl.

I like it.

Oh, I'm not really in charge.

This team is more of a democracy.

Thank you, Rose. I'll do the talking from here.

What she means is, I'm in charge.

Rose is in charge. Rose is in charge.

Tell you what, Rose.

If you lot get the sharks' permission to cross the river,

I'll take you.

But you have to talk to them.

SHARKS CHUCKLE

OK. Who wants to talk to the sharks with me?

Rusty, you've got big teeth.

But what if they splash me?

Those guys look like they love to splash.

I think we all know the perfect tree goblin

for this important job.

That's very brave of you.

It is, isn't it?

As long as they're not in cahoots

with any trouser robbers, I've got nothing to be afraid of.

I'll talk to them, goblin to fish, one on one, totally independently.

As long as you both come with me.

I'm trying this new fish protein powder. Yeah, it's sick.

And by that, I mean it's literally vomit.

Is anyone else investing in Bitecoin?

We've got to start a podcast so we can discuss this on the pod...

Oh, shut up, Kyle.

We've already got four podcasts.

OK.

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's... Let's just play it cool.

SHARKS CHUCKLE

CLEARS THROAT

Good morrow, apex predators.

My name is Binklebonk, and I am... not afraid of you.

TENSE MUSIC

Unless, of course, you have a penchant

for pilfering people's pantaloons.

What's this loser's deal? Shut it, Kyle!

Let the freaky little dude speak.

But I see that you're more swimwear types,

so you can't possibly be trouser robbers.

Now, if you were trouser robbers, by the way,

of course you'd have to legally disclose this

under the Anti-Trouser Robbing Act,

as I'm sure you're familiar with.

Why don't you get to the point, mate?

We want to cross the river.

You can cross the river.

Why wouldn't you be able to?

Because it's Shark Thursday.

Is it Shark Thursday?

Nah. Is it?

Holy smoke! The days all blur into one, don't they?

SHARKS LAUGH

Wait. It is Shark Thursday, isn't it?

Because if it's Wednesday, I should be home doing laundry.

Shut up, Kyle!

We know your mum still does your laundry.

Look, we sharks have a bad reputation,

but we're really just chill guys.

Check out how we're leaning super chill on these rocks.

Cool, eh? And our big, genuine smiles.

Hehhh...

GULPS LOUDLY

Hey, look, no need to gulp loudly.

Here's the deal.

If you don't mess with us, we won't mess with you.

Now, are you gonna mess with us?

Then we won't mess with you.

Eh, guys? Everyone nod.

I hate to say it, but that big ol' boy makes a good ol' pile.

CHUCKLES

Speaking of, I wonder how Dulboot's getting on.

Perhaps I'll just have a quick peek.

MOOS

You're right.

Maybe I don't trust him enough.

He doesn't have a chance to use his brain,

because he relies so much on me and all my brilliant ideas.

You know, sometimes I worry he isn't cut out for this job.

You ask him to throw a family of fairies into an active volcano,

and he gives you this look, as if you're being unreasonable.

BURPS LOUDLY

I completely agree with you, cow.

I've got to give him the space to prove himself.

Today's the day that the henchbaby becomes a henchman.

It's such a simple task.

How wrong can he get it?

BIRDS SQUAWK

If the Yorkshire Falls are under there, right? Yep.

Then technically, the Drownded River should be over there.

Hello!

You're a big one, eh? I know I'm huge,

but you're, like, proper massive. Sorry, is that rude?

I'm normally the tallest one in the room.

But not today!

LAUGHS

You should talk now.

Hm. Totes!

My name's Cobblestone, by the way.

I should have said that at the start. My name's Cobblestone.

I feel like you might be lost by that lost look you're doing.

Where are you going? The Drownded River.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Why would you want to go there?

That is...

You must never

go to...

No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding!

Pulling your chain. It's sweet. It's totally fine.

I can take you there. Road trip!

Nah, you're all right. I'm a lone henchman.

I can find it myself, all right?

Oh, yeah. Fair enough. Fair enough.

Let's go!

FOOTSTEPS THUMP

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

RUSTY CLANKS

Oh! Why has it got to be so wet?

Rusty, just stay near the middle of the boat,

where the water can't get you.

Oof! Tim, stand with Rusty,

and don't do anything reckless. No problemo!

Shall I try to hop in your mouth again?

Well, dear comrades,

I've escorted you to the ferry, as promised.

And I suppose, unfortunately, this is goodbye.

Thank you, Binklebonk. We won't forget you.

I'm also sad.

But I can't cry, because it'll make my eyes rust.

Let's make some waves.

Tim, release the rope.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

So long!

Goodbye!

Fare thee well!

Oh. I guess I'm coming too.

But after that, I'm going straight home,

and you cannot convince me otherwise.

WHIMSICAL MUSIC

No! I won't hear it.

MUDWIGGLE: All right, let's see if the engine works.

You don't know if the engine works?

ENGINE STARTS

It works!

Too well, if anything.

In a way, it's tougher than a goat's knee

to be a great white shark these days. Who's with me?

So you're saying we're the ones being discriminated against.

Shush, Kyle! You make us sound like saltflakes.

Oh, dear.

I believe a light splash goes against our spoken contract.

I think we've been messed with.

Come on, boys.

Let's go and do something about it.

TENSE, SHARKY MUSIC

Uh...

guys?

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

Whoa! Sweet binoculars!

Hey, just let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

I am your rock... golem. Yeah?

I do not need help. I've got this.

Yeah, there they are.

They look older than I remember.

How long have I been out here?

Flo, do you feel like we're being watched?

Ha! Don't be paranoid, Leo.

There's no-one around for miles.

You'd need to be, like, I dunno,

a 50-foot giant with multiple eyes to spot us out here.

That is not them.

They're much too big for the boy-girl soup.

Go on! Let me help.

I'll do anything.

Oh, do you need a rest?

A little sit-down? You could sit on me!

No, thank you. We've just met.

But I'm a rock golem.

You know? I live to serve.

Whatever I'm told, I do it.

Oh, right, so you're a henchman?

More like a hunchman at the moment.

Cos I'm hunched over, and...

It's... sort of a bit of wordplay there.

But yes, I am. Yeah, exactly.

OK, well, where's your witch, then?

Hm? Oh, I don't have a witch.

Hold on. Then who's making you do this?

Society, man.

CHUCKLES I'm just kidding. You know what?

I don't actually know.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

All right! Time to get a wiggle on.

ENGINE ROARS

I knew it! They are trouser robbers!

And they're coming for my legwear!

ENGINE CLANKS

I think the engine is angry.

Rrr-click-click-click-beep!

BOOM

Oh, I can't repeat that.

It's not happy.

We are definitely slowing down.

MUDWIGGLE: Here, grab the wheel. I can't drive a boat!

Sure you can. It's easy. Just steer.

That's exactly what I don't know how to do.

Left is left. Right is right. That's pretty much it.

I need to be supervised!

No, you don't!

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

You seem a little stuck there, buddy.

Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help?

Only, if you don't tell me what to do,

I'm not sure I have purpose.

Look, right? What do you want to do?

Er... Er...

Nobody's really ever asked me that before.

They're usually too busy ordering me to be a bridge

or, you know, a dam,

or, like, a very uncomfortable couch.

Yeah.

You are a huge giant, mate!

Why are you letting other people make you feel small?

You know, I've never thought about it like that.

CHUCKLES You're a smart fella.

Am I?

Cos Badjelly said if idiots grew on trees,

I'd be the tree.

Oh! Savage!

You know, maybe I should focus on myself for once.

I could finally learn magic.

Yeah? Whoa! Oh!

Um...

Wow! You actually have a coin behind there.

Yeah, yeah, that's where I keep 'em.

Anyway, you don't need someone else's approval

to feel good about yourself, got it?

Now, I have to go and find these kids

so that Badjelly will love me. All the best.

Hey, thanks for the advice, buddy!

Where could they be?

If only there was some kind of sign.

ENGINE SHUDDERS

Oh! Stand back! She's gonna blow!

BOOM

EXPLOSION ECHOES

Bingo burger.

COUGHS

Erm... I don't want to alarm anyone,

but something extremely alarming is happening!

Quick question.

Does anyone else here know how to fix an engine?

GASPS

Binklebonk, use your rhyming magic.

All right, it's your big moment, Binklebonk.

Don't be nervous.

Uh...

magic, magic, supercharge,

make this shark get very... large?

Oh, no, that was the wrong thing. Oh!

Large? I panicked.

Oh, maybe that worked.

Tim, be careful.

Don't worry, Rose. I'm gonna do something reckless.

I hope you said "not reckless".

Oh, look how swole I am, fellas!

I'm the biggest shark who ever lived, I reckon.

You know, when you're bulking, you gotta eat a lot of protein.

And right now, you all look like a very tasty snack.

Can't break the same arm twice.

Ahh!

Oof!

Ow, danks! SPLASH

You got me right on the nose.

Huh!

Give that a kick.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

TIM: Oh! Whoa!

Tim!

MUDWIGGLE: I've got ya!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oh! So much pressure.

Come on, Binklebonk! You can do it. You can do it.

Remember how to rhyme.

Now would be a good time!

Yes, that's how to rhyme. That's good.

"Rhyme" and "time". Wonderful. What else?

Think quick, Binklebonk!

Pfft! No, that doesn't rhyme at all.

Grrr!

Let's try this.

Water, water, wet and slimy,

make this shark grow really...

tiny?

Huh?!

Guys, we have a massive problem!

Go right! Go right!

Whoa!

That's totally a real giant!

Maybe he's the one who took Lucy.

Let's stop and ask.

Stopping and asking?

That ends in being eaten and swallowed.

And I say "no, thank you" to that.

To safety, please!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Waterfall ahead!

Oh! I knew I should have gone home!

Why did you all demand I come with you?

Wait, hold on, hold on.

Come back. Come back!

Oi, big boy! Give us our friend back.

Eh? Ugh!

Oh! Look how tiny he is.

Aw! Like a cute little bath toy.

SQUEAKILY: Hey! You watch what you say, boys.

I've got dirt on you two.

Ha! He sounds squeaky like a bath toy, too.

All right, enough! Enough of these tiny jokes.

Why don't we turn our attention to this guy and his oversized head?

Let's make fun of him.

Bite him wherever you can.

Not checking in on Dulboot all day

has made me almost, well, miss him.

For all his faults, we've had some happy times.

CHUCKLES

Like when we burned that goblin village to the ground.

Oh, wonderful!

Or when we ruined that birthday party

by filling all the balloons with spiders. Ha-ha.

Yes, he's a blithering nitwit, but he's my blithering nitwit.

Oh, maybe I'll just have one tiny peek

to see how he's getting on.

You know, I have a really good feeling

that I'm about to be pleasantly...

..furious!

TIM: We're headed straight for the waterfall!

But I hate water! And I hate falling!

Keep both hands on the wheel.

Best to hit it straight on.

How can you be so calm? Aren't you scared at all?

Why would I be scared?

Us worms are indestructible.

Nothing can kill me.

Except a hot pavement in summer, or a massive shovel.

I'm so sorry! I've steered us all towards certain doom.

Uh, no. You just saved us all from being swallowed by a giant.

And it was awesome!

Really?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, obviously you weren't quite as awesome as me.

I punched a shark right on the nose.

That was pretty awesome.

Still, Mudwiggle, I'm sorry your boat's about to be smashed

into a million pieces.

Look, you made a tough choice under difficult circumstances.

And that's the mark of a true captain.

You'll grow into it.

As much as I'm enjoying this heart-to-heart,

what on earth are we supposed to do now?!

If you've got fingers,

hold... your... nose!

INTENSE, DRAMATIC MUSIC

DARK, DRAMATIC MUSIC

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