Original subtitles

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Come on, come on! Honey, breathe!

Come on, you're so good! You can do it! You can do it!

Come on, come on! Yes, push my golden baby out!

That's right, that's the way!

Come on, it'll work now!

Come on!

Yeah! Baby, I can see it!

Baking it in a stuffed roll was a fucking stupid idea!

But I had no idea you'd swallow it whole, love.

Do you want to marry me?

That's yesterday's corn.

Okay, one more time, darling.

Will you marry me?

- Yes. - Yeah?

Yes!

Julius Lavický and a football is a perfect symbiosis.

Lavický is the greatest talent, no doubt about that.

He helped the Czech team to qualify for the UEFA Under-21 Championship.

A brilliant football player.

However, he fell short of everybody's expectations in the end.

His career plummeted after being “noteworthy” off the pitch.

Bars, nightclubs, alcohol, girls of both good and ill repute, drunk driving.

I'm Lavi, dickheads!

I didn't pay anything and the amount is wrong anyways.

-He was kicked out of Sparta Prague. - Eliminated from the A-squad.

It seemed football was all over for him.

But he signed a contract with the third-division FK Slavoj Vyšehrad.

Despite initial problems, he helped the team go up to the Second Division.

Slavoj Vyšehrad can look forward to another load of demanding matches.

And Lavický is surely worth watching.

So far, he has scored 14 goals for his team,

and it seems there might be an interesting transfer on the cards.

We shall see.

So, gentlemen, the end of the spring season is at hand.

There are only three matches left.

It's four, isn't it?

- Yeah, it's four, actually. - What a moron.

And please welcome your new teammate Okavango

from the Congo.

We believe that he and Lavi will form the best duo of strikers

and that we'll stay in the Second Division.

But first of all, I'd like to say this: May the ball be your mistress,

may Slavoj be your home, and may the team be your family!

- Slavoj! - Slavoj!

Where did you find that African guy?

Scouting. I decided to work on it a bit.

I wanted his brother, originally. But he stepped on a mine in the Congo.

When he went to get the ball. Just behind the fence.

Well, he'd probably play better than most of the Czech guys even with one leg,

huh?

- Yeah, but it ripped both of his legs off. - I see.

Mr. King, I don't want to lie to you. Level playing field, okay?

- I have a good offer for Lavi. - I won't sell him.

We'd get relegated without him for sure.

- Michal! - What's up?

- Wake up! - Yeah.

- When we talked about the increase... - It's not possible.

He has a contract until the end of the season, then we talk about it.

Come on, give it here!

Dude, I've never met any girlfriend's parents before.

You're kidding, man...

It was always just one-night stands before Lucy.

Wait, never more than that, really?

It was usually just “poke and kick-off,” man.

- You mean you've never really fucked? - I have.

What should I talk to them about, man?

The main thing's to make her pop like you.

And tell her mom she looks good. You have to act gallantly.

That fucking guy's gonna move, watch it!

Hooray!

Act gallantly, man. How? All those sluts didn't teach me a thing, man.

Dude, I don't understand you at all. You're a fucking moron, man!

- Okay, the training's over, I guess. - Good.

- So? Did you talk to King? - Yeah.

Well?

What a cunt.

He really helped you when you were down.

Yeah. But I need it for the wedding. I have fuck all now.

- Tell me about it. - I wanted to borrow from you.

- From me? - Yeah.

- Are you fucking nuts? - I'm totally fucked.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, don't even try...

As the bride's brother, you're supposed to pay for the wedding.

And kidnap the groom. Yeah, I know that, man.

- Do you? - Yeah.

Where did you hear such a load of bollocks?

- I simply did. - Oh, I see.

Listen to me now, okay? You have to start living modestly.

- Modestly! Do you get it? - Okay, alright, man!

- Hey, honey. - Hi, baby.

- Hello, Bro. - Hi.

This is Alena.

Lavi, hi.

Alena.

- Lavi. - Alena is our agent.

But wait, Jarda's my agent.

Oh, I see. No!

I mean our wedding planner, you see? She'll help me with the wedding.

- So I don't have to worry about anything? - You'll just pay for it.

- Will there be fireworks? - If you pay.

- It suits me fine. - So let's work out the details.

We're going to my folks tomorrow. Remember?

Tomorrow already?

- Come on. - No, it's fine, I'm counting on it.

- Okay, great. - Bye.

- Bye. - Yeah.

- What're you talking about? - What?

- I said you had to be modest! - We'll have fireworks.

No worries, I'll work it out.

- Wait! Look at me! - What is it?

Come here! Look into my eyes and swear to me that you won't fuck up!

- Look at me! - I promise.

That's the way I like it.

First of all, flowers.

They have to be like me. So roses, okay?

You get it? Roses are beautiful, but also prickly.

Get it? Prick...

- Yeah, I got it. - Come on.

THE ONE ŘEPKA BORROWS MONEY FROM

So by the end of the month, okay?

Sure. Thanks, bye.

By the end of the month, alright?

Can you turn that shit off?

- It's not shit, it's Pavel Bobek. - Do it now!

Fucking hell, you've really stepped on it. Take it easy.

- It's alright down here, I mean the car. - I see.

Yeah.

And don't tell your parents I've lost my license.

But the papers were full of it, hon. And also how you shouted at the cops.

- And how they caught up with you and... - Keep going!

- Now? - Yes, but what're you doing?

I mean the car, not your arse!

- I see! - Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Holy cow!

- Hi! - Hi, Lucy.

- Hi, Dad. - Good morning.

- Hello, Mom. - Welcome.

- Mrs. Mizina. - Lavi.

- Mr. Mizina. - Come in.

Come in, Bican.

Bican?

Look, this is for the doggie! For the wedding.

Oh, that's beautiful!

How lovely, he'll be the king of the party.

Ilonka...

Well, Mr. Mizina,

you have a very nice house.

- Really? - Here you are.

And you, Mrs. Mizina, you have very nice...

- A very nice daughter. - Yes, exactly.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, let's just use our first names. I'm Lavi.

Yeah? Alright. Ilona.

Miloš.

Lucy.

Bobík.

- Shall we sit down? - Gladly.

But it's not your first name, is it?

Your first name is

Julius?

Mom, I think we still need some plates.

Jesus Christ, of course.

That's what we footballers do,

we give ourselves nicknames. Like Ronaldo,

Rivaldo... Or

- Kaká. - Who?

But those are their first names, right?

Your name should be Julius or Julek, Julda. Or Julin.

- Sorry. - Shall we have a shot?

Gladly.

Oh, this is strong!

- Don't overdo it. - Like I ever do!

I have to tell you that you're kind of cool

for a Slavia twat.

And I admit that you're alright

for a Sparta arsehole.

- Mr. Stitcher! - Mr. Romanian!

- Tvrdík, man! - Pelta!

- Jude Slavia, man! - Death to Sparta!

I'll fucking kill you!

Oh, I see you've become friends already!

Hi, Lucy!

What a good choice!

Mom!

Oh, man!

- Honey! - Well, baby?

- You okay? - Yeah, I can still handle a few juggles.

Well, he...

Dad's actually not okay at all.

Mom almost killed him because he puked all over himself last night.

If he can't handle his booze...

- Why don't you go inside? - In a minute. I'll just practice a bit.

- I'll be inside, okay. - Cheerio.

Come on.

Head up, Lavi.

There you go.

Well, where do you want it? Zlatan!

Bican, come home, there're some goodies waiting for you there.

- Bican! Hi, Lavi. - Hello, Miloš.

Have you seen Bican? I hope he hasn't run off anywhere.

Of course not. He was running around here only a while ago.

He's like my second child, you see?

- I understand. - Or a third one, in fact.

I forgot about Jarda. Bican!

Bican, sweetie!

Bici!

Bici!

Bican, where the fuck are you?

Oh, shit!

Bican!

Bican.

No!

- Hey! - Yes?

Don't get pissed as a fart at the wedding.

- Of course not, darling. - I want someone to take care of me there.

- I'll take care of you, love. - Sure.

- And don't spend too much money. - Of course not.

- You know how things are at the moment. - I know it very well, love.

And when will you start earning good money again?

Soon, I hope. But Lavi's making fuck alright now. And so am I.

He lives like a king compared to us. Where does he get the money from?

- He earned it playing for Sparta! - So find him a better team.

And what do you think I'm trying to do?!

- Or find another client! - It's not that simple!

Müller and Paska control the territory. Or those losers Latka and Kysel.

- Do you know who pisses me off the most? - No, I don't.

Young Kolář. He handpicks the best pieces. Fuck!

- Helenka, it's not easy. - Helenka, it's not easy.

Either you get Lavi back to Sparta, or...

- Or what? - Or expect my divorce papers.

But...

- Let's go and fuck. - Okay, I'm going. Thanks.

What are you doing? Leave me alone. I'm Petr Mrázek.

Dude, sorry, I didn't recognize you without that goalie mask.

Lavi, come here...

Thanks...

Oh, shit, man, she's had enough.

Hi there.

Hi, Patrick, nice to see you.

Thanks. You look like an animal. Hello, Stitcher.

Dino, man, hello.

You're kind of short today. Hi, Kakuna, man.

Hi there, Goalie Boys, how is it? Fucking awful, right?

Thanks.

Gudini! Hi there, fellas.

- What's up? - Oh, shit, man.

What's wrong?

If it goes on like this, I won't last, man. Do you have something?

- And do you have money? - We'll sort it out later.

- Roman, hi! - I don't have anything.

- He doesn't. - He doesn't. What're we going to do?

Where're you going?

- Calm down, I'll take care of it. - Wait! Who are you calling, man?

- Dude, tell me. - Honza!

Hi, Honza. I need a bit of snow for the Dream... if you know what I mean.

Mrs. Kopic, hello.

Is your son in there?

He's asleep. No, don't wake him up, it's okay.

- Well? - Don't worry, I'll manage.

- Knock, knock! - Shit, you look hot, baby.

- And this is still nothing. - Really?

Oh, dear!

- Hello, darling. - Hi, Mom.

It's so nice to meet you, Mrs. Lavická.

Pump me like a ball!

- Michal! - What is it?

You won't enter the same mom twice.

She'll get used it, calm down. Have something nice to eat.

What're you staring at, boy? You want an autograph, right?

- Go. - I don't feel like eating now.

Oh, come on.

- Hi! - Hello.

- Good afternoon. - Hi.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Okay. - Why're you wearing black, are you nuts?

Where is Bican?

- Bican's been killed. - And buried.

Oh, shit!

If I ever find out who...

Miloši, I get it, but...

- Maybe it was unintentional. - What do you mean?

I don't know, maybe he just went for the ball.

- What? - Yeah.

But you don't kick legends!

- Hello, Mom. - Hi.

Hi, Dad.

What is it? Has someone died?

I'm sorry. Lucy, go and get changed.

Go for it, baby. Looking forward to it.

Yeah, someone's died.

And I ask you, Miss Lucy Mizina,

whether you enter voluntarily into a marital union

with Mr. Julius Lavický.

- Lavi, man, that's enough. - Lavi.

Yes.

Thank you.

And now I ask you, Mr. Julius Lavický...

- Lavi, man. - Lavi.

...whether you enter voluntarily into a marital union

with Miss Lucy Mizina.

- Yeah, sure. - I beg your pardon?

- Yeah. - Love, say “yes.”

Yes. Yeah, yes.

And now the wedding rings.

I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Bravo...

So our little girl has flown out of the nest, hasn't she?

Don't get so emotional all the time. Be a man, at least a bit.

Wait! Ilona, wait.

I don't care about that. I'm interested in...

Lavi!

Wait!

Mr. Lavi...

What is it?

- No way, man! - Careful!

- That's not enough, man. - It's worth ten grand!

Ten, really? Shit!

- I'll pay for it after I try it. - Wait, Lavi!

Everything's for free. We don't have to pay for anything.

That's right, Helenka.

Shit.

What're you staring at, you little faggot?

- At last, man. - I wouldn't go there now.

This is fucking Saigon, Pavelec, man!

Dude, this is real food! Wow, man!

Fucking pigs! Eating on a crapper where normal people shit.

Is there a Mrs. King?

- Yes, there is. - What a shame.

It wouldn't work anyway, Michael would kill me.

Fuck Michael.

- Hey! - Yeah, baby?

- Let's go to our room. - Now?

No, give me a sec, I'm going first. It'll be a surprise!

- No shit! - Room 702, okay?

- 702, yeah. - 702.

- 702. - Baby?

Yeah, sure. I'll be right there! See you, baby.

- Can I have a moment, Lavi? - Of course.

Look, first of all, I'm happy that you two got married.

- Yeah, thanks. - Second.

- If you ever hurt our Lucy, I'll kill you. - Yeah, thanks.

And third, you should prepare for the role of a father.

If you need some help, you can turn to me.

- Yeah, thanks, great. - Have you fucked an arse today?

What the fuck are you talking about,

- you moron? - I mean your wife.

Go ahead and make Lucy happy. She will be pleased.

Thank you. Bye. Thanks.

I love him!

Okay, seven oh two.

Seven oh two.

Baby? Lucy, darling.

Pretending not to hear me?

You wanna play? You'll scream with pain, I'll punish you!

Miloš, oh, dear,

who would have thought?!

What a man you are now!

Yeah, I am!

Okay, nothing again.

Classic.

Gentlemen, I'd have never believed that someone like Lavi would get married.

He surprised me too.

Jesus!

He's like a new person, Mr. King.

Oh, dear!

It was just girls and booze when he first joined us.

As if he had a burning torch in his underwear.

Exactly, Michael.

Oh, shit!

But I believe he's grown up at last.

Die, you pig!

He'll get us into the Premier League one day.

Yes, sure.

- What was that? - It burns like hell!

An unsuccessful fireworks attempt, I guess.

But it probably worked out in the end.

Oh! Have you seen Lavi?

He was really looking forward to it.

He wanted to be as close to it as possible.

I think he's enjoying himself.

I leave you alone for a while and you end up in deep shit!

Lavi! I'm really... tolerant, you see?

I'm not a shrew, but sometimes it's really just too much!

I know you're a wild person and all,

but one more slip-up like this and I will divorce you!

But we only just got married.

- Yeah, but I can end it anyway. - Well, I'm sorry.

- I didn't want to fuck your mom. - What?

- What? - That old bitch!

- She fucks anything that moves! - Well, exactly.

Okay, Lavi. One more time and it's really over.

Because I'm planning this...

planning my future around you.

Me too.

I wanted to have a beautiful relationship with you,

sex three times a day...

- Same here, baby. - And children.

Me too. Children?

What? God, you don't want kids?

I'll get the door.

It really suits you now, doesn't it?

- Hi. I'm your son. - It doesn't really suit me right now.

- Who was that? - Nobody.

Sure.

Hi, baby boy. What do you need?

- I'm his son. - Shit!

You see? I already have one child. And he's even signed.

I doubt it. You wouldn't be able to take care of a kid,

not even for a month!

- Sure, I would, easily. - What're you doing here?

I know it's him.

- What do you mean? - My daddy.

What makes you think so?

I saw the birthmark on his penis.

- He... - I don't have a birthmark.

You do, in the shape of an ellipse, just like me.

- That's a football, man, isn't it? - You're so irresponsible!

- This is too much! - Let's go, Richard.

Mom, I should get to know my daddy better.

- Forget it. - Tell him it's not true!

I slept with you nine years ago.

So what? Wait.

- How old are you? - Eight.

It doesn't add up, man.

But why didn't you tell me?

I didn't give a toss about you, it was just a one-night stand.

I thought we were friends.

We're not, Lucy.

God, this is the worst day of my life!

Julius!

I'm telling you that this is getting really, really bad!

Baby!

- Are you sure he's mine? - Yeah.

- I want a test. - Go ahead.

Love! Lucy!

Lucy!

Lucy? Where are you? Baby!

Oh, this looks good!

Is that it?

Oh, Mr. Lavi!

Guys, I need to find my wife, or she'll think I don't give a shit about her.

Did Jarda order this? I thought he was pissed off at me

for feeling up his mom, but he's got a good heart.

I'll give you an autograph if you want.

Have you ever had your dick on fire? You wouldn't believe how it can burn!

Why are we stopping? This looks like a real kidnapping.

Now you'll put me in the trunk. It's fucking hilarious!

What the fuck, man? I won't give you my autograph!

Holy shit, guys, this must have cost a lot of money, man.

And Jarda says he's broke. What a cunt! Do you get it?

But I really kept talking about the kidnapping of the groom,

so he made my dream come true.

He's actually nice. Cool space, man. Where are we?

- We said by the end of the week. - No, man! By the end of the month.

- We said by the end of the month. - Yeah. That sounds really harsh.

And what about the end of the month?

He doesn't remember us. You're such a jerk, aren't you?

Wicked! What a cool sound. Respect!

I feel like I'm in a stupid American film. Wait, how do they say it?

“I won't tell you anything! You won't get anything from me.”

That's from Rambo, isn't it? Really good.

That really hurt, you moron! Let's call it quits, man.

Stop it! Stop it, you arsehole!

He owes us quite a lot of money, but we can't stand him anymore.

- How much does he owe you? - Five hundred grand.

What did he need 500 grand for?

Don't know. But he keeps mumbling something about fireworks.

- And what do you want from me? - To pay us back on his behalf.

Why would I do that?

You don't want anyone to know that he borrowed money

from the betting mafia, do you?

I see. You're blackmailing me.

- That's our job, actually. - And we really enjoy it.

This is really too much, Lavi!

If I didn't need you so bad, I'd terminate your contract immediately!

- Don't do that. - Mr. King...

- No “Mr. King”! - Yeah! No “Mr. King”!

Fuck, how could you get involved with people like that?

- You owe me half a million! - I'll pay you back, of course.

You can be sure of that! And I'll take all your bonuses!

- You can't do that! - You can't do that!

Of course I can!

Of course he can!

Well...

Lucy!

Lucy, don't be stupid.

Come on, baby!

Lucy!

What're you doing?

- Oh, hello, Miloš. - Mr. Mizina to you.

And leave Lucy alone, you really fucked up.

Sorry, Miloš.

Look, I really love Lucy.

- And Ilona, I didn't really want to... - What?

- Screw her. - You screwed Ilona?

Well, just a bit.

What a slut.

Don't worry about it, she does it all the time.

- And I'm sorry about Bican, too. - Bican? How?

- Bican. - So it was you who...?

You fucking bastard! Get out of here and never come back!

Idiot!

- What do you want? - He kept annoying me all weekend.

I don't get it, but he wants to get to know you better.

Haven't you done enough?

- I can be here for as long as I want. - At least he'll see who you really are.

What is that supposed to mean? My wife's left me because of him!

- It wasn't just because of me. - What the hell? Get lost!

I know how you can win her back.

Really? Okay, come in.

- If anything, call me! - Yeah, sure.

She said that to me.

- Sure, Mom, as always. - Well, go in.

Hi there, this is Lucy girl, leave me a message.

Hello, my love.

You're probably still mad at me, I know.

I just wanted to tell you that I have the boy here now.

I'm going to look after him for a month.

You can come over and see for yourself that I'm not completely irresponsible.

I miss you. I love you, bye.

- What're we gonna do? - Fuck all!

You're out of here in a month. Sit on that cube over there.

You won't speak or annoy me, you'll just pretend you're not here.

Get it?

- Can't you reply? - You said I shouldn't talk.

So you're gonna be a smartass, right?

Oh, man.

Are you fucking reading or what?

Dude, how could your mother possibly think you're mine?

- Do you play games? - Yeah. I like chess and scrabble.

- And also knowledge-based... - Yeah, good, keep reading.

What kind of genetic material do you want to use for the paternity test?

- Genetic material? - Hair, saliva...

Well, I don't know.

- Do you even know how the tests work? - It's clear, ain't it?

But I should remind you just in case, okay?

Fine.

You have to take a sample without contaminating it in any way.

Without polluting it. Or... It doesn't matter.

Then you send it to the lab and just wait for the results.

- How the fuck do you know all this? - I know a lot of things.

Okay.

Ha! You didn't know this, did you?

If you want to send hair,

there must be at least ten of them and with roots.

Okay.

LAVI SAYS TO LIMBERSKÝ: BETTER TO BE A TOP PLAYER THAN AN AVERAGE PLAYER.

Jesus, what an idiot.

- Hello, Mr. King. - Good afternoon.

What do you want? Everything's been paid.

- We're here because of something else. - What is it?

- Daddy's sent us. - Who?

- Daddy. - Yes, but I don't know who it is.

Daddy.

RB, Roman.

- Call him what you will. - Igor calls him Secret Police Shit,

don't you?

- Shut up, nobody's supposed to know that. - But it's true.

- Shut it. - Well, and what does he want from me?

There're just a few matches left now, so things need to be discussed.

- Like what? - Like results.

- And referees. - There're no results without refs.

That's clear, isn't it? Shut the fuck up!

Oh, I get it now, gentlemen.

So, please tell your daddy that I'm not interested.

But he won't like it.

And you won't like the division, because you'll be out of it.

Everybody cooperates. Sorry.

One more time, gentlemen.

Tell the Secret Police Shit to fuck off!

Bye.

- Yes? - The message is “fuck off.”

Alright. So we'll start slashing them.

Let's see who their next ref is.

Okay.

Get up!

- Get up! - Ouch! What are you doing?

It's been all over the place! What do you want?

- I have to go to school. - I see.

- But it's only seven! - School starts at eight.

- So what? You don't know the way? - I do.

There you go. Move it, then.

- And listen, young man! - Yeah?

- Get me some fags on the way. - I don't think they'll sell them to me.

You're fucking useless.

What do you want now, you little retard?

How did you reach the bell?

Cool.

Sorry. Pick it up.

Shit.

I can't be a fucking pop, man. How will I get fresh pussy now?

I thought you were married.

Wait, and with my sister, no less!

Let's not talk about the details. I know it, man.

I have her tattooed on my heart, man.

They say it's 99.9 per cent certain.

Wait, wait! And what about the remaining ten, huh?

Listen, Lavi,

I'd just try to come to terms with the fact if I were you.

You're his dad. Start sending some money to his mom and that's it.

- That's what most guys do. - I know.

But I just don't have enough money right now, you see?

And I have to look after him to win Lucy back.

- What sort of games are you two playing? - It doesn't matter.

I'm all alone with him now, anyway.

- You're a single father now... kind of. - Fucking hilarious.

I'm sorry, Lavi, I was mad at you because you fucked up the wedding,

but not even somebody like you deserves such bad karma.

Stop talking about cars, man! This is a matter of life and death.

His life and death! Get it?

I know I'm no mental athlete, man.

But it's clear even to me that this child is not safe with me.

What should I do now?

I really didn't want to give a fuck, believe me. But since he's my own boy...

He could be exceptional. Like his dad.

I mean like me, man!

So give me some advice, man, you always have a lot to say.

Keep him alive. That's the most important thing right now.

And if you succeed, you can move on.

You can find something that you two have in common.

You're his dad, so he must take after you at least a bit,

right?

“Keep him alive.” That's good, man. Really good.

Richard, can I talk to you for a sec?

I'm sure you've noticed, Richard,

that I have my own football pitch down here.

Like most of the world's best football players.

And sometimes I let someone else play there as well.

So I thought that

we could play there for a while. With a ball.

Yeah, you can't play football with a dog.

- Wait, what do you mean? - Nothing.

Oh, I see. Alright.

- Okay, shall we go? - No, I don't want to, thanks.

Football is a game for idiots.

Well, that's enough for today. Stop staring at me and get out!

Idiots.

We have nothing in common, man.

Try to adapt to him, then.

Do something that he enjoys. Domino, perhaps.

I can't go there, I pissed on the bar the last time I was there.

I don't mean the strip club, you moron, I mean the game.

- Lavický? - Yeah?

- Are you on the phone? - No, definitely not. Come on, guys.

Oh, you're reading in the hot tub? That's nice.

I like reading too. Books.

I've read this one about five times.

Completely.

IRON SPARTA

DIARY FROM THE BOTTOM

And this one I've read eight times, at least.

And have you read anything by Dostoevsky? Crime and Punishment, perhaps?

Or The Idiot?

Yeah, that's by the Russian goalie who was in the nick, right?

I haven't read that one yet, but I really want to.

Good.

That's really nice, isn't it? Reading like this. Both of us. Together.

Hi there, Zeli!

Well, I'm reading something.

For a beer?

Schick's sister? I'm on my way.

I'll manage, no worries.

Wait.

I'm a parent, aren't I? I do have some sense of responsibility.

It's nice, right?

Yeah! Good, isn't?

A nice pair of titties, right? This is my boy, Zeli.

What a bomber!

Well, thanks.

You're Patrik's sister, I hear. I'm a better player than he is.

I'd really like to see that.

- Shouldn't we go home now? - What is it?

Oh. Is he yours?

Of course he's mine. Who else's would he be?

DO YOUR BEST.

- Tomáš, hi! Hello. - Hi.

I'm glad you found some time for me.

I've long since forgiven you for the fracture that ended my career.

That was at elementary school. To the point.

Sure, to the point.

- Good evening. Something to drink? - Coffee.

Listen, Lavi's doing very well now. You must have noticed.

So I thought you might be interested.

Lavi would really like to play for Sparta. So much.

I know that everyone wants to be at Letná now.

You're doing it your way now.

And I like the way you do it. Since the internationalization

didn't really work out...

- Coffee for you. - Thanks.

Lavi's a world-class striker.

Listen, Tomáš, he speaks the language.

Czech. And he has normal European habits.

He used to problematic, of course, he was. But who isn't, right?

Listen, could you at least come and have a look at him?

I know that you can't promise me anything else.

- What? - Okay.

Tom, thanks a lot. It is...

What is it?

At last! I need to do my homework.

- Do you want me to help you? - You're really funny, Dad.

I just wanted you to stop snoring like that.

Wait.

- What? - You called me “Dad”?

Well...

What is it?

Jesus, he's so cute.

Yeah. Almost like his daddy.

- True. - I'm good, I know.

- Fuck. Shit! Watch out! - What's up?

- I have a match! - And you forgot all about it?

What do you think?! This is my classic pre-match ritual.

Get it?

I can't drive. Breathe out!

That's awful! Do you want to kill me?

Fuck, what am I gonna do?

So one more time...

Accelerator on the left, brake on the right. Let's go.

Isn't it the other way round?

- You see? You can do it! - Why don't you drive yourself?

I'm still as pissed as a fucking fart.

If they caught me without my license, they'd lock me up.

- And if they catch me, you won't? - No. You'll say you kidnapped me.

- Why would I do that? - Just go.

And how about a taxi?

Cabs are for plebs. I don't waste money on crap. Go!

Do you have it under control?

Looks like it, man!

Fuck!

What're you looking at? Look over there!

My goodness...

Shit!

- Do you want to kill me or what? - Not me, it was him!

- Lavi! Mate! Come here! - Any news about Lucy?

- No. But I have more important news. - I don't care about anything else, man.

- Sparta wants you again. - Okay, I'm interested.

Rosa's here.

So I shouldn't play in these pink boots or what?

No, man! Come here. Tomáš Rosický's come to have a look at you.

- He is here? - Yeah.

No shit! I guess they really want me, then.

So you have to be magnificent today.

- Like Lavi. - Really good, you mean.

- Sure. - Lavický.

- Yeah? - How come you're not warming up yet?

I'm on my way, calm down.

He'll soon stop pissing me off, man.

- What? - Nothing.

Come here, lads.

Fucking hell, he's playing, man.

Fuck this, dude.

Sparta oaf!

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Mom.

- How are you? - Good, everything's fine.

You steaming cunt, don't even warm up!

- I hope he's taking good care of you. - Fucking dickhead!

- Oh, yeah. We're fine. - Good.

- And the ref is the blond twat! - Bye.

Bye.

Lavický! Come on!

Go for it!

Well done!

Come on, man!

This is no Letná, you prick!

Oh, shit! Not this!

Yes, that's it. Come on!

Yeah!

Shoot!

Yeah!

- Yeah! - That's it, this is what I call top shape!

Amazing!

- And he scores! - Goal! Mr. King!

Yeah!

- That was brilliant! - So there is a way...

One-zero, right? Okay, let's have a look at it.

Come on!

Ouch, man!

Get up!

- Man! - Are you fucking kidding me?

- What is it? - Lavický, ignore him! Watch the ball!

Shit, man!

What're you doing?

It was no foul!

- What foul? - Put the whistle up your arse!

Did you see that? He's really after us today, isn't he?

- Me? For what? - Did you see that?

- Oh, come on... - Get up!

The ref's a bitch!

Are you serious?

Is this real?

Yeah!

Fuck!

You cunt!

Amazing, man! Are you fucking satisfied?

This is incredible.

What's that supposed to mean? You bribed pieces of shit!

What was that?

Champion, you were amazing! Not for three points, though.

He was slashing you.

- But Rosický was over the moon! - Of course he was. Is he still here?

No, but we're going for a drink later. You know what it means.

That we're going back to the top, mate! Lavi!

Hi there!

A nice match, wasn't it? Dramatic. And the draw's really fair.

But a small complication if you want to stay up, right?

- Don't ever come back here. - You might get it next time.

He might get it next time.

- I've told him that already. - I know.

Good game, guys. Shall we have the sausage now?

- Enjoy it, gentlemen. - Thanks. It looks like rubber.

Jesus! Careful, it's hot.

- Jarda, the match today... - I know, Lavi was amazing.

The whole team was amazing, which made him shine even more.

- Does he drink? - He does.

But only water. Six liters a day.

He's fresh, he's like a new person.

- Be honest. - You're scared he's still the same moron.

And you don't know if you can recommend him.

Listen, he's got a wife now. So there's no space for whores now.

He looks after his son.

Ouch!

He eats really well.

Good. And now get lost.

Ritchie, dinner!

And his house is pristine.

He's a real role model for young people now.

- Jarda. - It's been an amazing transformation!

Jarda.

I know, you're still thinking about the Russian guy.

But isn't he unnecessarily too expensive for Křetínský?

- Jarda. - You have to take him. You saw him today.

- Jarda. - Yeah.

- It's done. - Oh, I see.

Jesus Christ, I'll devour it all!

I don't have any bad intentions, you know?

I'm a family man. I've got an eight-year-old boy at home.

- Really? He's home with his mom? - No, he's alone.

- Alone? - Yeah.

- All alone, man? You're not worried? - About what?

I don't know, man. A fire could break out.

And they boy will burn as well. It happens all the time.

You're really irresponsible, man.

- Richard, shit! - Fuck!

- Where're you going? - There's a fire, man!

A fire, man! There's a fire!

Oh, man! Mom, answer it!

Shit, Mom, answer the phone. I need help! There's a fire!

Are you fucking kidding me? Shit, I feel like fucking!

Richard?

Richard!

Are you okay?

- You're not on fire? - What? Why should I be?

I was really worried about you, mate.

Dad's going back to Sparta, Dad's going to be a star again!

That's great. I'm off to school.

I've made myself a snack. Yours is in the kitchen.

You've got a training session tonight, you should be on time.

I can take you there when I get back from school.

There's chilli con carne in the fridge, it'll give you energy.

I like that a lot.

I've hidden all sharp objects. You should be safe. Take care.

You too, Ritchie.

- Lavický, keep running! - Fuck, what do you think I'm doing?

- You're fucking talking! - I'm running!

- Try it harder! - I'm doing my fucking best!

- What's wrong? - He's lazy and cheeky.

Stop staring and move your arses!

- So what is it? - Don't know, he keeps bullying me.

- Stop talking to me like that! - Calm down, okay?

Fuck it, I'm fed up with it here. I don't wanna play here anymore.

Nobody's forcing you. You can just fuck off.

And I will. Going back to Sparta anyway. Cheerio!

Sure. As you please.

But you still owe me 500 grand, sunshine!

- Is he going back to Sparta? - I have no idea.

I wish he would, though. It'd be good for my nerves.

He keeps undermining my...

- Authority? - Yeah.

And by the way...

- Oh, I've been looking for this. - It was next to the changing rooms.

- Hello, Julda. - Hi, Mom. What're you doing here?

You called me.

Yeah, but it was some three days ago. I was totally pissed.

No wonder. What did you need?

- I needed some help with upbringing. - It's a bit too late for that, isn't it?

No, it's for my son.

What? You have a son?

Yeah, I do. He's eight and...

Eight? Wait, who's the mother?

A whore, isn't she?

Not at all. He just sort of showed up here.

I didn't want to burden you with some fucking bullshit.

- Mind your language. - Sorry.

- This is no fucking bullshit. - I just don't know how to handle him.

So I thought you could help me.

- Since you brought me up, you see? - I don't think I can help you with that.

I didn't really bring you up. I just gave you a ball and that was it.

And look now, what kind of person...

Well, okay... I really shouldn't give you any advice.

I was a single mom, you see. I had little time and too many men.

Mom, I know that we've never talked about such details,

but who's my dad?

Are you going to offer a drink to your mother or not?

- Red wine, right? - Yeah.

And what's my grandson called?

- And when will I see him? - His name's Richard.

Ritchie.

He's at school now. So perhaps later. You didn't answer my question.

- What? - Stop pretending you can't hear me.

- Who's my dad? - Julda!

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

I don't know, there could be more of them.

- More? Is that possible? - Don't be an idiot.

I was a physio and masseuse.

- A lot of alpha males would come to me. - Like who?

- Chovanec. - Pepino?

Yeah. And Uhrin.

- Both Senior and Junior. - Disgusting!

- Vízek. He just wouldn't shut up. - Yeah.

Not just athletes, though. Even Klaus, for instance,

before he accepted what he was.

- I don't really want to hear it, Mom. - Well, that's what I thought.

- Hello! - Hi, Dad.

- So it's you? I'm Lavi's mom. - Your grandma.

Yeah, I get it.

- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.

Richard, pleased to meet you. I'm going to make dinner.

Oh, dear, and what will you fix?

Angus beef with mixed vegetables and potato fudge.

Are you sure he's really yours?

- Bon appetite. - Bon appetite.

Enjoy it.

- Get the door, boy! - Julda!

Alright, I'll go.

Cheers!

- Hi, baby. - Hello.

Hi. What're you doing here?

I just wanted to see you.

- Come in. - Good evening.

Hi.

Hello there.

Hello.

I can see you're doing quite well.

I do my best. I've just cooked dinner.

Chew your food well!

- Lavi, I think I made a mistake. - It happens to all of us.

Julda, you're on TV!

- Oh! - Really.

Sparta Prague announced a new player today.

Their twenty-second foreigner, and for the record sum of 270 million CZK!

Russian striker Ivan Slutalotev should

increase the competition amongst the attacking players.

- I've been thinking... - And now the Second Division...

- What if I came back to you? - You fuck!

- Well, okay, so no. - Lavický's scored another goal...

- You bastard! Well, this is too much. - ...but it was only a draw for Vyšehrad.

Let's call a press conference. I quit, I'm done with football, man!

- Are you fucking kidding me? - I mean it, man!

I won't play anymore! I'm fucking pissed off!

Calm down, mate. We've been through this before.

- Bye! - Lavi, you can't do this, damn it!

It's fine, he's just probably drunk.

Lassie!

- I'm really sorry. - I need to go for a walk.

I guess you don't want him back now since he's not going to Sparta.

- Fuck off! - How dare you talk to me like that?

- That's what you deserve! - It's you who should fuck off!

- You should! - Bitch!

Come on, girls, let's come down, okay?

Cut! Slutalotev? Are you fucking nuts?

But that's really his name.

They could have taken Lavický back and it would be the same.

- There'd still be a lot of sluts. - Where're you going, Bosák?

Hey!

- You can speak Czech. - I see.

There's fuck all on this card.

LAVICKÝ QUITS HIS CAREER AGAIN.

Classic.

Richard, what do footballers usually do after their career?

Well, their ex-wives usually bleed them dry,

then they start doing business and lose everything.

And they also write memoirs,

because they think it'll make them loaded again.

- Memoirs? - A book about their life and career.

I see.

Alright. I'll skip the first two things

and I'll start writing my memoirs!

“I started kikin the ball when I was a kid.

I alwayz knew I'd be a football star.

The ball was my best freind. It was alwayz with me.”

- Are you serious? - Is it good?

- It's absolutely awful. - Fuck, I was worried about that.

It took me two days to write that, man. You've got to help me.

- Forget it! - You have to! I'll dictate it, it's easy.

How the fuck did you get the idea that you should write memoirs?

- It was Richard's advice. - That's a misleading statement.

- How many people would buy such a thing?! - What's the population of this country?

- About ten million. - Well, so ten million.

I really didn't tell him that.

It's absolute nonsense. You've got to do what you're best at!

- I can keep screwing whores forever, man! - I'm not talking about screwing whores!

- I'm talking about football! - I won't play anymore!

My football boots are on the wall now.

Well, how lovely!

You see? I'm talented, artistically. So I can manage a book, too.

No fucking way! Do you know how many more goals you could score?

How will you make a living now? And you'll miss football a lot!

No, I won't! And stop persuading me, man.

You either help me write the book or you can fuck off. Catch.

- Where're you going? - I need to take a crap.

I had KFC for dinner yesterday.

- I know what this is about. - Yeah? What is it about, then?

You're asking Lavi how he's going to make a living,

but in fact you're asking how you yourself are going to make a living.

- No. - Oh, yeah.

And I can tell you how you can get what you want.

I don't need any advice from a small boy, not me. Never!

Okay.

Alright, then. Give me some advice.

Help him with the book.

When he starts thinking about how famous he was,

it could make him go back to football.

- You're a genius. - In comparison with the two of you...

for sure.

LAVI'S MEMOIRS - CHAPTER I

I joined Sparta at the age of 17.

I fitted in immediately.

Even Sparta legends liked me, they showed me a lot of respect.

I saw really great things while I was there. Really great!

Fucking hell!

I can't do this.

What's he on about?

Footballers are not as stupid as people believe.

Some of them can really use their heads. Řepka was like an older dad to me.

This is how you do it, Lavi.

Sparta!

Thanks to him I tasted my first beer that night.

And I swore I'd never touch alcohol again.

And with the exception of a few slip-ups...

Pelta is a dickhead!

I stuck to it 110 per cent.

What is it?

- Something in my throat. - I hope so, man.

So many bitches were after me back then.

- Girls are probably better. - Yeah? Okay.

So many girls were after me back then. But not because I was loaded.

I hate flaunting money. Or spending it.

But they'd get me anyway. Because the balls were on their side.

Like balls, man. You get it? On their side!

- Yeah, I get it, Lavi. - Why aren't you laughing, then?

- I am, on the inside. - Let's call it a day.

But I only have one page, at best.

- You? - You only have one page.

That's better.

Quality needs time. I'm tired. Piss off.

Hi there, Mr. Šádek. Mizina speaking.

Well, the agent of Julius Lavický.

No, he didn't quit. It's just gossip.

He really loves Plzeň. He drinks it every day.

Adolf, it was just a joke.

Yeah, a stupid one, I admit.

Anyway, I just wanted to...

LAVI'S MEMOIRS - CHAPTER II

The life of a professional footballer is not just fun,

but also hard work, sweat

and tears.

As well as exertion and...

Full stop.

I remember ending up in the Golf Hotel after a lost match.

I was working on a foreign girl there. Finnish, I think.

Some guys from the NHL taught me a few phrases.

You know, right?

Ouch! Fuck!

Then I just dumped her. She was too cold for me.

The following day was in the same mode. The ice-hockey championship

was a hell of a party.

One girl after another, they all wanted Voráček's autograph.

And one of them was really interesting.

I see.

- Richard, I know now where I made you! - That's great, Dad!

I recall all the details now.

A bubble bath,

candles,

a bit of wine.

Really romantic. And then I fucked the shit out of her.

Lavi! The boy's here!

- Am I supposed to be ashamed? - You don't have to be ashamed.

But he doesn't need to know how you fucked his mom.

It was really unnecessary, man. We're done for today.

Can I wait until my phone's charged?

- Okay, but be quick, man. - Yeah, sure.

Sorry. He's going through a bad patch now.

Come on, Jarda! Of course he'd accept Slavia!

What do you mean Trpišovský wouldn't make use of him?

He can run up and down. He's an athlete.

He's like a fucking Gripen fighter aircraft! Come on, man, don't be a fool.

Okay, fine, I know you don't like this.

I get it. Bye.

Okay, so Slavia's out of the picture as well. Shit.

Shit, what kind of dialect is this?

You know, Richard,

I've been thinking...

- Does it hurt? - No. Why?

No reason. So, what's the conclusion?

I'd like us to be closer, you know?

After all, you're mine and I'm yours, right?

How do you think we could do it?

It'd be good if we could spend more time together.

That's good.

And how do we do it?

A small chisel was inserted in the left nostril,

and it was used to penetrate the thin bone between the nose and cranial cavity.

The brain was then removed through the newly made opening with a clay hook.

The other option was opening the skull through the eye socket.

Beware! An idiot in the museum!

- Dad? - What is it, boy? I need to rest.

- You don't play anymore. - Come on in, then.

- I have to ask you something. - Dad needs to relax.

It's about girls.

- You haven't knocked one up, I hope. - I'm only eight.

- You wanna know when I started? - No way.

- So what do you want? - I like one girl from our school.

- And you wanna get her, right? - Yeah, but she's older than me.

She's the best girl in the whole school.

Her boobs have started growing already.

- Come here! - What on earth are you doing?

You're mine! I was so worried we had nothing in common,

but now I know that one day you'll be just like me.

Jesus, no! No...

- Shall we go and see her? - No, she has her piano lesson today.

Man, she sounds boring. So when?

Tomorrow after school. She'll be alone for a while.

She always waits for her dad to pick her up.

Wanna separate her from the herd, right? You learn fast, boy.

- Okay, tomorrow. - But you'll be there.

Yeah.

Two o'clock sharp.

- LUNCH AT ONE TOMORROW? - SURE. WHAT TIME?

- AT ONE, PERHAPS? - OKAY, I'LL BE THERE.

What did you say?

I really miss you, baby.

Life's so pointless without you.

- Did you enjoy it? - Great tuna. Fantastic.

I couldn't help myself when I saw you with the little one.

It was so sweet when you sent the photos. Like when you were reading together.

- Daddies are so sexy! - If you say so.

I think that

- you've proved already that you can do it. - Really?

And now you have to prove

that you can still make me come.

- Easy-peasy. - Shall we go to your place?

Sure.

- But you'll be there. - Yeah.

Two o'clock sharp.

- Fuck! - What is it?

It's two o'clock. I arranged something with Richard.

- So what? - He's my boy, I have to be there.

What? So how about a quickie in the crapper?

I really need it, hon.

I want you to do it to me here and now.

Baby, let him sleep, please.

Let him sleep... Sorry, I really can't right now.

I'll call you, okay? Sorry, I have to go now.

You prefer a small boy to shagging me?!

No worries, it's okay, he's my husband.

Hi there, boy.

Get in. Sorry for the delay.

You're not scared they'll take away your license?

I haven't got one now.

- They could lock you up. - There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

- Really? Is it all just because of me? - It's a given, isn't it?

So which one is it?

The one in the blue dress and leather jacket.

Shit, man! She's really hot, man!

- Dad! - Yeah?

It's really weird to talk like that about a 12-year-old girl.

- Control yourself. - You're right, sorry.

- What's her name? - Susie.

It sounds a bit like pu...

- Sorry. So go to her, move it! - But I'm really scared.

Listen, if you don't even try, you won't get a shag.

I don't want to get a shag, I'm scared I'm not good enough for her.

Listen, women are like cars.

Let's say you have an Octavia.

A decent car, easy-going, good consumption, but really common.

And then you can have a BMW.

It's faster, fancier, but it costs more and eats a lot of petrol.

Or you can have a Ferrari. Like your dad.

Superb wheels, really beautiful, rides like hell, shags like...

Well, a wonderful car.

But everybody wants to drive it. But an Octavia? Nobody!

Everybody wants a Ferrari. You get it?

- Dad. - Yeah?

You're really stupid, aren't you?

Maybe I'm a bit stupid, but I'm right about this.

Believe me.

Go to her.

You can do it, dude.

He's my boy.

Hey, what're you doing, man?

Get out of here!

So?

I didn't get a shag if you're asking that.

But you did touch her up, right?

- Yeah, I did. - Come here! Well done, my boy!

- Mr. King wasn't very happy about it. - Well, Mr. King is like that.

He has to handle it. He suffered because of me too.

- Do you want to play? - If you do...

Why not? Listen, here's a few tips.

The most important thing is to shield the ball, that's elementary.

You have to...

- One null. - Listen,

I don't really want to play anymore.

Let's go home. My Achilles tendon hurts a bit.

- Jesus, Daddy, play! - What did you call me?

Never call me that again, okay? Never!

- Shall we play? - Yeah.

Come on!

Come on, try me.

Go for it!

Guys, fuck basketball, let's play footie!

- Who wants to play with me? - Me!

You?

Alright, give it here. Let's go!

Pass it! To Richard! Score a goal!

Come on, boy! Shoot!

Shoot!

- Yeah! - Goal!

Dad, I must say that

although I don't really understand football, you're really good at it.

Man, I'm the best! But back to women now.

When a woman says “no,” she actually means “yes.”

A smart person once said that every goal has its own goalie.

But that doesn't mean that goals can't be scored.

Sorry, Mr. King, I'm sorry that my son raked your daughter.

Raked?

Well, it's like a rake, you know?

I'm not here because of that.

- I need you to come back. - I can't, I'm really done.

Why? You got offended like a small kid just because Sparta didn't want you?

Yeah.

Start playing again, Lavi!

You'll save the Second Division, score a few goals...

And I'll sell you afterwards. And even your debt will be forgotten.

- Why so suddenly? - We're running out of money.

We're close to relegation, sponsors are running away.

And the refs are really after us now, they have orders from above.

I refused to play their game, so they want to drown us.

The same people you took the loan from. And they're also working for...

- Dad? - Yeah?

- What do you want for dinner? - It's up to you.

Okay.

Sorry.

They're killing us. I don't know how long it'll take.

It's really bad, I understand,

but I'm really done.

There're other things in life besides football.

Okay, that's it then.

- A pretty good job. - Enjoy it.

You too.

- What did Mr. King want? - He wants me to start playing again.

- Maybe you should. - Rubbish.

Honestly, it's the only thing you can do.

What do you mean? I'm writing a book, aren't I?

- Dad, can I be honest with you? - You don't have to.

- The book's horrible. - What do you mean?

- It's about my career. - Which is horrible as well.

- How dare you, you runt? - You should finally admit it, Dad.

You could have achieved so much more.

- And perhaps you still can. - What's all this about?

I said it to everybody, I'm done. I can do whatever I want.

You can't. You can only kick a ball.

You should start playing again

and earn enough money so that you can end your days in peace.

You're really pissing me off as well!

What can you do? What have you achieved? You're just bullying me,

being a smartass, and screwing up my life!

Sometimes I really wish you hadn't showed up here at all!

You're here just because I want to win Lucy back anyway!

THE GRAPES OF WRATH

Nice handiwork. I'll take it!

That one was from Lafata.

I started kicking the ball when I was a kid.

I always knew I'd be a football star.

The ball was my best friend.

It was always with me.

- What the fuck are you talking about? - That's what you wrote, Lavi.

Glue.

Earth.

Do I look good? Would you fuck me?

Julius Lavický should actually play today

despite the fact that he's quit his football career recently.

We all want to know why you decided to play today.

Because I realized that all I can do is play football.

I see. And have you got a message for your fans?

Not really. But I'd be happy if my family came to see me.

Okay. Thanks for the interview and fingers crossed.

- Lavi! - What is it, man?

- Hi, Bro. - Hi, Sis.

Come on!

Shit, I need support!

Let's go!

- Shoot now! - What's that?

Fucking hell, man!

- Jesus Christ! - What's wrong with him?

I don't know. But he'll be alright, you'll see.

- Go for it, now! - Don't be afraid!

Goal!

Good!

Daddy?

Lavický's just scored a goal, it doesn't look good.

We'll have to get rid of him, I guess.

- Is that clear? - What?

Get rid of him at halftime.

Okay.

He scored a goal, man. What's up?

We're supposed to get rid of him.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You mean in public? - Yeah.

- Any ideas? - What the heck, ref?

Sure.

Dasha, make me a cup of coffee, please.

And you can bet against Vyšehrad. Lavický will have his leg broken at halftime.

Lavi, pass the ball!

Igor, move it, I want to get a sausage during the break.

Are you sure that this is what he meant? Aren't we just supposed to break his leg?

We have to get rid of him.

We've been doing this long enough to know what it means, don't you think?

- But how can you arrange he'll be alone? - I can't.

Well, it's gonna be big.

Fuck! Get the sausage! I feel like pooing because of you.

Don't shit yourself.

- Daddy, play! - Don't call me that ever again!

Alright,

just lie in there nicely.

Hush.

- Hi. - Hello, Richard.

So you actually came.

I've got something for you. See you after the match.

Yeah, thanks.

For Daddy?

- Mr. Lavický. - What do you want? An autograph?

- What? - What? What's going on?

- This is for you. - Best Player Award, really?

Yeah. But not now! Open it in the changing room.

Good, thanks. Shit, man! Pass it to me more often!

I'll shit myself.

It's some Chinese crap, there's some wire sticking out of it, man!

Hold it for me, I need to crap.

Dickhead.

NO OUTDOOR SHOES

- Where have you been? We need to go! - I've got money for Daddy from King.

- It's a bit too late, isn't it? - It's a shame, though.

I'm not going back there. Let's go, come on!

Igor.

Come in.

Hello. It's done.

And we've got a parcel for you from King.

Pride is a lovely thing.

But it's worth a piece of shit, Oto.

Oto's in the crapper, puking up a sausage, I guess.

- My name's Igor. - I'm not called Daddy either.

We all have a name, and we're all trying to achieve something.

Some of us get there fast, some of us much later,

but in the end we all realize that we can't play without refs.

Without a ref there's just 22 lads running all over the pitch,

chasing a ball like complete pricks. It's the ref who makes it a sport.

He gives it order.

By ignoring an offside, arranging goals.

He tilts the plane as necessary to make the river flow.

Because if something's too flat, fuck all will flow.

Do you ever watch films, Oto?

Yes, now and then.

You like stories about a hero who suffers great injustice,

who gets fucked up by everyone and you support him, don't you?

Yeah.

Do you know how boring a film like that would be if things were just?

Sure.

And that's what people like me, complete bastards, do with football.

- Sure. - Football is a lovely game.

But it'd be too honest without refs.

And therefore also boring.

- Can I go now? - Yeah, go.

Go and make sure you also fuck someone up, Oto.

No!

What the hell was that?

Don't know, man, sounded like Pelta's fart. Move!

- Yeah! - Who's the king here?

Who's the king here, man?!

Lavický scored a hat-trick today

and it seems that Slavoj Vyšehrad will stay in the Second Division.

And I've just been told...

that there has been an explosion in the office of the President

of the Football Association.

What impact could it possibly have on Czech football?

We'll be back with more details later.

What did I tell you?! You really did it for us!

You saved us! You're a god!

Move aside, man.

Okay, man!

- Yeah, man! Yeah! - Hey!

- Let's go and fuck. - Yeah.

No! You go and fuck!

And I'm driving, Helena.

Here, here, please!

Bican?

He wife used to say that he never feinted in life, only on the pitch.

I hope that Lucy will be able to say the same thing about you.

And now go and celebrate.

Thanks, Miloš. Ilona.

- It was a nice speech. - Right?

- Thanks for the number. - Yeah.

- Will you call me? - Yeah, sure.

- Richard? Have you got a minute? - Yeah.

So how did you like the present?

It was bombastic, you really killed it.

Richard, I'm sorry about what I told you. I didn't mean it like that.

And I'm sorry I told you that all you can do is play football.

- But you were right. - Yeah, I was.

But I shouldn't have said it anyway. You were really good, Dad.

- What? - Sorry, you were the best!

Even the points you scored were really lovely.

It's called “goals,” boy! They were fucking awesome, weren't they?

- Richard, can you give us a moment? - Yeah, sure.

I've been thinking... Richard's told me quite a lot about you.

- Like what? - He really likes you.

I don't get it, but he does.

If you want, you can spend some time with him.

I don't mean shared custody, but you can.

- Well, that's cool. I can teach him... - No, don't teach him anything, please.

But I can borrow him for my matches, right? He brings me luck.

Yeah, that's fine.

- Okay, take care. - Yeah, you too.

Do you know that I actually recalled the night we spent together?

- Really? - It was great.

Well... I don't remember.

- Bye. - Bye.

If you don't hop, you're not Czech! Hop!

- Take care, boy! - This will make me think of you, Dad!

Same here, man!

Are you crazy?! What is this?

We'll talk about this!

- Hi, honey. - Hello, baby.

I realized that we didn't have our wedding night.

Candles, whips, handcuffs, latex, dildo...

Shall we go?

- Well, Jarda? - Lavi, here we go, man!

- Everything's arranged! - Are you kidding?

- Do you know where we're going? - Where?

- Well, to... - Where?

Well... oh, fuck!

- Take the piss out of someone else. - No, wait!

Your brother's a real dick. Let's go.

Let's go!

Shit! I didn't even have time to tell him that they want him in...

THE END?

Jaroušek, shush! I'm on the phone.

- Hello. - Mr. Lavický?

- Yeah, speaking. What is it? - It's about your fatherhood test samples.

They were contaminated.

- Polluted, I know. Okay, speak, man. - Exactly.

It doesn't rule out your fatherhood at all,

but they were contaminated by a bat.

- So I'm a fucking bat? - I'm a bat too! Come on, come on!

- Yeah. - Move it!

I've had Lavi's mom already, but not his mother-in-law.

Ouch! My balls!

You've really manned up, haven't you?

Michal, get up. I'll have a look at your balls.

Like that, yeah. Yes, hold it like that.

What kind of stupid idea is that? My wife's left me because of him.

Yeah, but I need it for the wedding. I have shit...

You should fucking... man. Yeah.

Wait.

- I caught this... - From me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- So? - Micro!

Okay.

One more plate and I'll smash your face. Is that clear?

Sure, of course. I don't want to bend down.

Look!

Oh, man!

She almost knocked my block off, man.

Ouch!

Ouch, you fucking idiot.

I'm so ashamed!

Okay, it's like this. I forgot my lines.

So we have to do it again, man.

THE CHARACTERS, EVENTS AND PLOTS CONTAINED IN THE FILM ARE FICTITIOUS

AND ANY SIMILARITY TO REAL PERSONS OR EVENTS IS PURELY ACCIDENTAL.

KUBA VORÁČEK IS A GRANDMASTER!!!