Original subtitles

While some people saw Hungry Paul

as a man of little aspiration or achievement,

his mother Helen, preferred to think of him as a sunfish,

a creature she happened upon while visiting an aquarium.

The sunfish had an idiosyncratic charm,

drifting contentedly through the waters of life at his own pace.

Years later, after a long and difficult birth

with Hungry Paul, Helen made herself a promise.

If her son survived, she would never ask any more

of him than to move at just the pace nature had intended.

And so she accepted him exactly as

he was, watching him glide through life

at precisely the right speed for him.

Her very own sunfish.

Whereas people generally vary their lunch and dinner habits,

at breakfast, it is accepted the world over

that it is better to find a system and stick to it.

For Hungry Paul, it was simple.

One large orange juice.

One cup of tea with four sugars.

Three Weetabix.

Ten banana slices.

And nine minutes of unhurried tea drinking.

He was a fan of routine and familiarity,

which, when so much else was new,

changing or doubtful in life, made breakfast

Hungry Paul's favourite meal of the day.

OK, love, I'm off out.

If you're going to visit Mrs Hawthorne later,

you might bring those chocolates for the nurses.

Chocolates for the nurses. Got it.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Will you be needing me today?

I'm on my way.

Every Monday morning,

Hungry Paul made himself available as a part-time postal worker.

When duty called, he answered.

He took great pride in his relief role,

happy he wasn't taking up a whole job,

depriving someone else of a living.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Who do I talk to about this?

Uh, see, I only do Mondays.

But the regular fella will be back tomorrow.

KNOCKING

You see, I only do Mondays.

The regular fella will be back tomorrow.

Have a nice day.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Nice fella.

DOG BARKS

Agh! God.

Morning.

This isn't what it looks like...

..if it looks like mail fraud,

because it's actually addressed to me there.

Unsure of the legalities

of opening your own mail during active service,

Hungry Paul decided to err on the side of caution.

Although his Monday morning had begun routinely enough,

the correspondence he delivered

to himself contained revelations of a most unexpected nature.

Leonard had spent much of the weekend thinking about Shelley.

He wanted to impress her, but wasn't sure that either

of his blue plaid shirts were going to cut it.

And then he was struck by an idea.

Could the combination of his pyjama top

and taupe-coloured cords really work?

Without question.

However, by the time he had arrived at work, questions had arisen.

Specifically, what on earth possessed him

to wear his pyjama top to work?

He now felt like an inexperienced child stepping into an adult world.

- AUTOMATED VOICE: - Doors closing. Please stand clear of the doors.

- You all right? - I'm all right, yeah.

Doors closing. Please stand clear of the doors.

Doors closing. Please stand clear of the doors.

FAST-PACED MOBILE PHONE JINGLE

Doors closing. Please stand clear of the doors.

- You going to answer that, pal? - Me? - Doors closing. Please stand clear...

Don't know why do you think that was me.

- Hello. - Leonard, it's me. - I know.

My sign-off phrase has been shortlisted

for the Chamber of Commerce email competition.

- That's great. - Yeah, just found out. Thought I'd call you.

- Glad you did. - Right. Well, you're probably busy,

so I won't delay. Ah, best of luck with your seductress today.

LEONARD CHUCKLES

Thanks. Bye.

FAST-PACED MOBILE PHONE JINGLE

- Hello. - Hi, Leonard. It's me again.

Also, uh, Mum and Grace asked me

to ring you about, um, wedding numbers.

So the thing is, you've been allocated a plus-one

and so have I. And now, obviously, I won't need mine and yours is...well.

They wondered perhaps whether we might be each other's plus-ones,

- thereby freeing up two spots. - Yeah, yeah, of course.

- No problem at all. - Ah, thanks.

- They'll be relieved. - Right. So see you later.

Great. Oh, remember, it's Risk we're playing tonight.

- No risk... - No reward. - ..no reward.

Doors closing. Please stand clear...

There was no denying that the task

of asking Shelley out to lunch would be a challenge.

And that challenge could wait until lunchtime.

Counterattack, symptoms...

Leonard.

This has to stop.

What has...to stop?

This. Us.

I see how you look at me.

- We had a lovely evening. I know. - Pardon me?

Yes...

..there was chemistry.

But I'm back with Marco now.

You need to move on.

Right. OK.

Thanks for clarifying.

Great stuff.

Excellent. Thanks for that.

Lunch had arrived and there was no avoiding it.

The time had come to ask Shelley out.

Yes, you can change the address on there, too.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Yes. That has been sent out.

- ECHOING: - It should be with you in two to three working days.

Mm-hm.

Yeah. Well, if you go on to the customer hub

the tracking number should be on there.

Yes.

Yes, you can change the address on there, too.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. OK. You're welcome. Bye.

- Hey, Leonard. - Hey, Shelley.

- Lunchtime. - Ugh. - Thank God, right?

LOUD CHEWING

- I think I'll eat out today. - Right.

I was just going to grab a sandwich and have lunch in the park...

- ..if you fancy it. - Yeah, that sounds great.

Great.

- QUIETLY: - Great.

Just grabbing my coat.

LOUD MUNCHING

- Huh. - Are you sure you don't want anything?

I'm all set. Brought my own.

Well, you don't know what you're missing.

They do this thing called The Meat Feast.

- It's practically a barnyard in a wrap. - Mm.

- chicken, cow, maybe turkey, too. - Mm!

Well, I'm a vegetarian, so...

Ah.

- Do you mind me ordering...? - Well...

- I like vegetables, too. - Ah, what?! You like vegetables, too?!

- Yeah. - Whoa! - Yeah. Cucumber, carrot

Don't get me started on French fries.

I will try not to.

THEY CHUCKLE

The lunch hour they spent together

seemed like the shortest hour of Leonard's life.

- We should probably get going. - Mm. Quick, quick, quick.

Let's just cut through all the wallop

and ask each other deep, searching, personal questions. Go!

- Me? - Yep. - Uh...

- Come on, you can do it. - Erm...

Uh, tell me about yourself.

That's so broad. I mean, considering the time pressure.

- Uh... - Sorry. - No, no. I can go broad.

I can go broad. What about if I gave you 10-second Shelley?

- Well, what is 10-second Shelley? - You ready?

- I'm ready. - OK. Uh, I struggled at school.

I didn't really fit in. I found myself at art college.

I dropped out of art college

for reasons that I don't go into before a third date.

And now I work part-time admin at Harper Wren.

Boom.

There's a lot to unpack there.

OK, so now 10-second Leonard. Go.

Uh, OK...

I also didn't really fit in at school either.

Went to college, wanted to be a children's writer and illustrator,

got a job at Harper Wren,

my mum died two weeks ago.

- Oh, my God. That's... - I went too deep. I went too deep.

Two weeks?

I'm really sorry.

How are you getting on?

I think I'm OK.

I'm coping.

I mean, you say that, but, uh...

..that looks like a pyjama top to me.

It absolutely... It is. It is.

- By choice? - Yeah, I'm afraid so. - OK!

THEY CHUCKLE

- We should probably get going. - OK.

Maybe we could do this again?

You men. Always thinking about your next Meat Feast.

SHELLEY LAUGHS

Number, please.

- Uh, that's my number. - Thank you! And I will call you

so you've got mine.

- FAST-PACED MOBILE PHONE JINGLE - Uh...I'm thinking of changing that.

Oh. Can't think why!

THEY LAUGH

It may have felt like the shortest hour of Leonard's life,

but it was an hour which, if he wasn't mistaken,

seemed like the start of something.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

- So she didn't run for the hills when you asked her out? - Shelley?

No, quite the opposite.

Actually, I didn't really ask her out.

- We exchanged numbers, though. - Huh! Good for you.

I mean, what...what did you talk about?

I don't know.

It's funny. I can't quite remember.

We did talk a little about Mum.

Somehow wasn't a downer.

Made me realise I hadn't

talked about Mum to anyone, really, since she died.

And do you...want to...talk about her now?

No. God, no.

- Sure. - Thank you, though.

THEY CHUCKLE

- So what's your next move? - I don't know.

I hadn't thought about that. Dinner? Maybe a comedy gig?

- I guess the ball is in my court. - No. Psh.

No, I meant your next MOVE. I'm curious.

Invading Europe on six fronts was, tactically speaking, questionable.

Prrrr.

- VOICE OVER RADIO: - Good morning, folks.

Today we're talking about dating disasters.

Tell us about the dinners that went horribly wrong,

the romantic gestures that backfired spectacularly,

and those moments when you realised you

completely misread the situation.

The following morning,

Leonard's mind was awash with date ideas.

Upon leaving home after shortlisting three

restaurant options in the shower, he discovered several

more possibilities in the local gig guide.

The only question now was which of them to choose.

- Did YOU do this? - Yeah. I told you. Art school drop-out.

And if I don't speak up for the barnyard animals, who will?

Right. Uh, yes. I...wanted to ask

if I could make it up to you and the barnyard animals.

Of course.

So I was... I was wondering if, uh, if you're...

- Uh... - Dinner at a vegetarian restaurant would be a great start.

- When? - I'm free tonight, as it happens.

- Great. - Great.

FOOTSTEPS FADE AWAY

Hm...

- Who does my brother remind me of? - Oh, stop it!

Leave him alone. Just a little daytime nap.

Oh, wait. I think I've got it.

Winnie-the-Pooh.

- What? - My brother, 32-year-old Winnie-the-Pooh,

drifting aimlessly through life without a care in the world.

Such a thing to say! And so unfair.

Does Winnie-the-Pooh have a position at the Post office?

Position? He delivers post one morning a week.

And he's just been shortlisted for that major award.

- The email thing? - Ahem.

- I'm not trying to be unkind. - Mm.

I just think...maybe...it's time

he learnt to stand on his own two feet.

PHONE RINGS

- Well, that's enough of that. - What? - That'll be Leonard.

We have a chess game on later.

RINGING CONTINUES

Now...

..how does this feel?

Yeah, good. Thanks, Mum.

It baffled Grace how her mother, so intelligent and insightful,

had such a blind spot when it came to Hungry Paul.

Helen knew that someday,

if Grace had a sunfish of her own, she would understand.

- I see. - It's just that Shelley's free tonight.

I'm sorry. I tried to call earlier, but...

Really, it's, uh... It's all right.

- You have a nice evening. - See you later?

- COLDLY: - Bye, Leonard.

Unable to remember Leonard

ever having cancelled games night

before...

PHONE PLACED DOWN

..Hungry Paul was left with an uneasy feeling.

Leonard was also experiencing an uneasy feeling,

but of a very different kind.

Not wanting to be unfashionably early at

the vegetarian restaurant,

he decided to avail of the toilets next door.

I know normally you need to buy a meal here to use the toilet,

but I've got a date next door and I'm early, so...

I'm not being tight. It's just everything here

comes with a burger and she's a vegetarian,

so I don't want meat breath. And if I don't eat the burger,

then the cow will have been slaughtered for nothing

and that doesn't seem right because she's a vegetarian.

I mean, the date, obviously not the cow!

So if I can just quickly use your toilet...

Though time was now somewhat against him, Leonard felt he must

still eat his meal deal out of respect for the cow.

Look at this one. It's lovely. It reminds me of,

um, Gwyneth Paltrow in Maid in Manhattan.

Gwyneth Paltrow wasn't in Maid in Manhattan.

- That was Elisabeth Shue. - No, it wasn't.

What film am I thinking of?

How would I know what film you're thinking of?

- I love that one. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- Where are you off to, love? - Uh, anywhere else.

Maybe I'll visit the hospital.

Well, don't forget to tell Mrs Hawthorne

about the email competition.

- Yeah. - And the chocolates for the nurses.

You want to show off

- all your curls. - QUIETLY: - Chocolates for the nurses.

Hungry Paul was a man who normally stood as a weir,

allowing the world to wash over and through him.

However, upon discovering the chocolates

were past their best-before date, he could not stand idly by.

His rising sense of injustice was solely directed towards

the corporate monster that had sold his mother

the chocolates in the first place.

- Ahem! - Yes?

I would very much like to speak to the manager, please.

I see. And you don't think maybe I might be able to help?

Or is the matter in question so complex that only the manager

- could possibly deal with it? - These chocolates are out-of-date.

Finbar!

Out-of-date chocolates.

- Finbar Hogan. - Care to explain...Finbar?

Well, the good news is, thankfully,

it wasn't a more serious food item that was out-of-date.

- You know, a ham, chicken goujons, fish... - Cheese.

- No. Not cheese, Deirdre. - Excuse me.

These chocolates are not just out-of-date.

They are...

..significantly out of date.

Well, I'm so sorry for the inconvenience.

You can swap them for another one there.

Swap?

No, no. It's not about the chocolates.

It's the principle. You see, I purchased these chocolates -

or rather, my mother did - for the kind people at the hospital.

How very unfortunate.

- But maybe... - Can the brave nurses of Crown Wood Hospital not enjoy

the modest luxury of a strawberry whirl

without writhing feverishly on the bathroom floor,

- clutching the bowl for dear life? - I bought bread here once,

which was mouldy when I opened it up at home.

It appears I'm not alone.

And are you sure you bought the chocolate here?

- Do you have a receipt? - If it is evidence you want,

- I can supply that in court. - Calm down.

It's only chocolate we're talking about.

Even out-of-date, I'm sure it won't do anybody any harm!

Uh, you eat one then. Since you're so sure.

Yeah. You eat one.

You know what? I will.

Finbar Hogan expected to see fine and edible chocolates.

Hungry Paul expected to see a selection of rotten confectionery.

Deirdre hoped to see her boss squirm.

But they were all surprised to see it was something entirely different.

This appears to be somebody's sewing kit.

- Dope. - An honest mistake. Tell you what.

From one chocolate lover to another...

..no hard feelings.

Under the fluorescent tube lighting, catatonic with failure,

Hungry Paul stood at his most alone...

..only now realising what had driven him

to take this uncharacteristic step.

Things were moving on without him.

Grace was getting married.

Leonard had a girlfriend. And his recently retired parents

were entering a new phase of their lives.

Although he was happy for them all,

he couldn't play board games every night by himself.

What was he supposed to do next?

- See? Wasn't that bad, was it? - I didn't know

that courgettes could be so versatile.

- Ooh! - I don't know why I ever ate

meat.

SHELLEY LAUGHS

- Can I ask you a question? - More questions?

One more.

THEY LAUGH

OK. So we've talked about favourite bands,

favourite films, favourite childhood sweets...

- ..favourite books. - Mill On The Floss.

So what first-date question is there possibly left to ask?

Uh...

What did I do right?

I can't imagine what it was,

- but I'd like to know so I can keep doing it. - What...

Are you asking me what I saw in you?

- Agh! - I guess...so. Yes, uh, yeah, I-I am. I am.

Well, that is a terrible question to ask anybody, by the way.

Sorry.

LEONARD EXHALES RHYTHMICALLY

Well, it certainly wasn't the whole

wearing your pyjamas into work thing.

- Oh, really? - Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Um...

I don't know. I suppose I didn't really see you at first.

I recognised you, but I think...

..for some reason I just looked past you.

But I did always find your books magical.

Did you?

And, um...

..considering my impressive and immense experience,

when I did meet you, I found you quite gentle.

And I think gentleness is kind of hard to come by

- in this world, you know? - Mm.

- How was that? - Well, I don't really sound like a great love,

- more like a great neighbour, but... - It was a terrible question.

- It's good! - OK, you try it now. What did you find about me?

I just think you're breathtaking.

It had been a long time since anyone had looked at Shelley

and called her special

without any calculation or contrivance.

Leonard's sincerity had a perfection about it.

This is the part you kiss me like a gentleman, by the way.

Take it easy on the protein, won't you?

SHE CHUCKLES

Goodnight, Leonard.

Happy to prolong his mood,

Leonard walked home on that cloudless night

with a light heart and nothing

above him but his expanding universe.

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