Original subtitles

Leonard could never have imagined his waking thought would be about

the third-floor fire warden from work.

- RADIO: - Speaking of workplace romance, and I know

it's crossed many of your minds as you sip your morning coffee,

have you ever found yourself completely smitten with a colleague,

but absolutely clueless about making the next move?

For a man with little to no experience in matters of the heart,

he didn't know what this feeling meant.

Or, more importantly, what to do with it.

Should he act upon it and take matters into his own hands,

or see what the universe had in store for him and let fate decide?

He felt like an inexperienced kid at his first school disco.

All he knew was that he wanted to spend more time with her,

but had no idea how to make that happen.

Waiting for the fortnightly fire drill seemed like the best option.

As he arrived at his desk,

contemplating the peculiar mathematics of workplace encounters,

something caught his eye.

Something he was certain hadn't been there the night before.

- Lenny! - Mm-hm?

I'm not putting it on a credit card.

- No, I wasn't going to do that. - I'm not going to do it, Mark.

Hey, Leonard.

Hey, Shelley.

Rhona's sending me away, again.

But I get the feeling they don't trust me with

- the old company credit card. - Not after Bologna.

It's the Children's Educational Book Awards.

Helsinki, again. Speaking of which, I was wondering,

would you be able to take a stab at my acceptance speech?

I just worry that mine are starting to feel a bit too repetitive.

Yeah. I'll send you something this afternoon.

PHONE BUZZES

- Any dietary requirements for the flight? - Hmm.

Well, I don't really want to eat anything that flies.

Seems like bad luck.

Can chickens fly?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, my goodness, he is persistent. I'm going to have to take this.

- Mustn't keep the poor man waiting. - Don't speak!

If you do, it will be with your last breath.

You're an absolute pox.

I've seen more backbone in your overcooked spaghetti.

Call me again, Marco.

I dare you, call me again.

Call me again.

Pox!

Aisle or window?

- TV: - ..December 1825?

Tsar Nicholas I.

That's correct. You've banked two points.

- Well done, love. - Which war...?

DOOR CLOSES

In here!

- Hey, Grace. - Excuse me, Leonard. Do you remember what I asked you to do?

- In the missalette? - Yes, in the missalette.

to change every "Grace and Andrew" to "bride and groom".

So you just found and replaced every Grace with bride.

- Was that wrong? - Did it ever occur to you

that the word grace may appear in a context outside of my name?

They're everywhere.

"Blessed are those who walk in God's bride."

"And above all, be clothed in bride,

"which binds all things in perfect unity."

Oh, and my personal favourite,

"And yay, the men did gather in the hope of being touched

"by your divine bride."

LEONARD LAUGHS

Aunt Sarah's saying that one.

..was first presented at the Bolshoi Kamenny Theatre in 1862?

- The Pharaoh's Daughter. - The Pharaoh's Daughter?

- Correct. You've banked two further points. - Yes!

- What was the...? - Impressive. Peter really knows

- his 19th-century Russia. - Yeah, it's a little too impressive,

- if you ask me. - Why does Dad always watch the reruns with Mum?

I think he records them and learns them off while we're out.

- Why on Earth would he do that? - The Cherry Orchard!

The answer is The Cherry Orchard.

To impress you.

- Don't be so ridiculous. - It's sweet.

I hope Andrew still makes that kind of effort

- when we're 30 years married. - Do you want a cup of tea, love?

So, tell me about this girl at work.

- What's her name? - Eh, Shelley.

- Huh. - She's an administrative assistant.

And a fire warden.

Ah, the old fire-drill romance, eh?

- I don't think that's a thing. - Well, tell me this much,

have there been any fires at work?

No, not recently.

I like the sound of her.

This is exactly what you need, actually, a failed office romance.

Who said anything about romance?

And why failed?

Well, I suppose you could fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

- Or? - She rejects you.

Every day at the office becomes a series of awkward moments,

making your position there untenable,

eventually forcing you to quit your job.

How could that possibly be what I need?

A fresh start, new beginning.

You said yourself you wanted to expand your universe.

- Clearly, here's your chance, Leonard. - Right.

Look, if you like her, you should just talk to her.

Don't overthink it.

By the following morning, Hungry Paul's gentle suggestion

had transformed into something more urgent -

a call to action.

This time, he was determined to silence the anxious voice

in his head and let his actual voice do the talking.

He would speak to Shelley.

Since losing his mother, Leonard had felt something change

within himself, a pull to break free from his comfort zone.

If he wanted to expand his universe, he would have to be brave.

So, at 9:45 on a Tuesday morning, with Shelley at her desk,

this was his moment.

- Lennington Steele. - Hey, Mark, Rhona. I was...

We received feedback from market research on our latest opus.

- Mostly positive. - Very positive. - Great. Can we talk...?

- A couple of small tweaks. - Teensy.

OK.

Quite a few said they found it old-fashioned.

It's set in ancient Rome.

Well, that's the thing, you see, we don't live in ancient Rome.

- Excuse me? - Yeah, I think what Rhona's saying is,

it needs to be more relatable.

I'm thinking, family.

- I like that. - OK. And when you say the word family,

what exactly do you mean?

Family is very relatable.

Yeah, it places the emotional heart at the centre of the piece.

Great. Although I might need a little more

than just the word family.

Oh, Leonard, I'm head of marketing, I already have a job.

I can't do your job too.

- The headline here is, have fun with it. - Exactly.

- Great. - Thanks, Len. Thanks!

Oh, Len, you're the best.

LEONARD SIGHS

Family.

"Romans...

"..loved families."

Leonard's window of opportunity had once again been opened.

And at 9:47 on a Tuesday morning, this was his moment.

But the walk to Shelley's desk gave him ample opportunity

to practise his greatest skill,

the art of overthinking.

How should he introduce himself?

Hey, Leonard.

CUP CLATTERS

Hey, Leonard.

I was just...

- Hey, Leonard. - Hi, Mum. I mean, Shelley.

Hey, Leonard.

LEONARD SOBS

Hey, Leonard.

No, Shelley, no, Shelley,

no, Shelley, no, Shelley, no, Shelley, no!

- HUNGRY PAUL: - If you like her, you should just talk to her.

Don't overthink it.

Fortified by his friend's words, Leonard continued on his quest.

Hey, Leonard.

Shelley, hi.

Apologies, I never got to show you around the second floor.

Well, it's almost the same as the third, so...

- ..apology accepted. - Thanks.

You know, I see you around here, and I think,

she doesn't even know me.

Aw, I think I do.

No, no, I'm not talking about office Mark,

or award-winning author Mark, or surfer Mark,

- I'm talking about the Mark in here. - Surfer Mark?

So, what do you think?

Do you want to go for a drink with the real Mark Baxter?

"Do you want to go for a drink with me?"

"You know, I see you around here and I think,

"'she doesn't even know me. Not the real me, in here.'

"So, what do you think?

"How would the real you like to meet the real me?"

- Oh, my God, are you asking me out? - What?

Oh!

You seem like a great bunch of lads, but, um,

work is work, and I really don't think we should blur the lines.

You know, it's kind of a rule for me, so.

Well, if you change your mind,

I can introduce you to the rule-breaker Mark.

I think you two will get along just fine.

- Eh... - Look at you, you poor thing, you're shaking.

- Yeah, the thing is... - Sorry. That's a hard no.

- But, Mark... - Not for me.

- Yeah, Rhona... - Bless him.

- Hey, Leonard. - Sh...Shelley.

- What was that all about? - You know what?

Fine.

You've twisted my arm. Let's go on a date.

I'll drop pin you the restaurant and send you the dates.

Whoa! As office fire warden,

I must officially warn you both not to let things get

too hot in the kitchen.

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

As one window of opportunity was slammed firmly shut,

another was thrown open.

One which Leonard was too terrified to look through.

This was a window that needed to be shut right away.

She went out.

- Do you know where? - Why?

Eh, I need to clear something up.

I'm not...I'm not paying you.

Fine. She got a last-minute cancellation at the salon.

Went to get her hair done, something about a big date.

Oh.

Yeah, whoever the lucky guy is, he better tread carefully!

She's on the rebound.

That Marco fella.

Messy, messy, ugly business.

She's still in a very dark place.

Anyway, I'll take a message if you like.

What would you like me to tell her?

Never mind.

- TV: - And that brings your total to 50 points.

Now, this one might be a bit tricky.

What was Charles Dickens' first novel, published in 1836?

- The Pickwick Papers. - The Pickwick Papers.

That's right, The Pickwick Papers.

- Where's that son of ours? - He went out.

Hindustan is the Middle Persian name for which country?

- Went out where? - He didn't say.

Rudyard Kipling.

India was, of course, the answer.

Name the Nobel Prize-winning author who was born in India

on the 30th of December 1865?

- Rudyard Kipling. - Correct!

- Born Anjeze Gonxhe Bojaxhiu, what was she better known as? - Eh...

Mother Teresa.

- Mother Teresa? - Yes! The answer was Mother Teresa. Spot on.

You're on fire, Margaret.

That's another 30 points to you.

Unlike Leonard, Hungry Paul had no desire to expand his universe.

But without realising it, his visits to Mrs Hawthorne's bedside

were gently expanding hers.

An incredible achievement, if Hungry Paul were to think about it,

but that was never his style.

He simply wasn't one for overthinking things.

ROMANTIC JAZZ PIANO PLAYS

Don't you just love it here?

- Have you been before? - No, it's the first time.

- Ready? - A bottle of...

- Are you drinking? - No, water's fine.

Well, I am. Prosecco for me.

I fancy getting a bit fizzy.

OK, it's coming straight away.

- So, starters. - What's good? - Oh, everything.

This is absolutely my favourite restaurant.

It's certainly different.

There's no getting out of here in a hurry.

I can think of one way.

Disappoint me and I'll throw you overboard.

Do any of the starters come with a life jacket?

RHONA LAUGHS

You're funny! I had no idea!

- I like that. - I'm not!

Seriously, I'm really not.

RHONA LAUGHS DRUNKENLY

- How's the chicken? - Great.

- Lovely. Perfect. - Give us a bite.

Right.

- It's a little dry for me. - You think? - Mm.

I suppose I could use a bit more jus.

- What are you doing? - You're right. Nobody should have to eat this muck.

- No, I never said that. - Is everything OK?

My friend's chicken is overcooked.

- We'd like to speak to the chef. - Honestly...

- ..eh, eh, eh, that won't be necessary. - Apologies.

- Let me take that plate. - No, really, it's absolutely fine.

You need to stand up for yourself. Leonard.

What are you doing?

I was getting lonely all the way over there by myself.

You have very muscular thighs.

That's not me, it's the banquette.

Jesus Christ!

Rhona!

Marco?

I had no idea you were working tonight.

- This is awkward. - Hm! Really?

This is Leonard.

- He's my date. - Mm.

We're on a date.

You have no right to get upset, Marco. You know what you did.

It's no longer any of your business where I go,

who I see, or where my hand is.

- It was only on the banquette. - I've moved on.

MARCO GROWLS

Leonard...

..isn't going anywhere.

Can we get the bill, please?

The cheque...can we get the cheque, please?!

Here.

Everything OK, sir?

- Perfect. - Thank you.

Have a nice evening.

SMOOCHING

Goodnight, then.

RHONA GROANS

Oh, my God! What did you do to Rhona?

I didn't do anything, it was all her.

Well, I'm sure Marco helped.

- Marco was on your date? - It wasn't a date.

- Oh! - I'm such an ass. - Oh, my God!

We're all asses, so it really doesn't matter.

Ho!

Oh!

Do you know, actually, what's ironic?

That nobody likes a smart ass or a dumbass?

I can't say that I've ever really thought about it.

Although now you mention it, is it even more ironic

- that the only good ass is a badass? - Yes!

So, if it wasn't a date, what was it?

It was a trap, it was a setup.

What?! Tell me everything.

I don't want to talk about it.

OK.

Fair enough.

Nope. I'm so sorry, I can't. I tried my best.

I'm going to need every single tiny detail!

We should get coffees. Eeee!

Don't start without me!

Leonard never would have thought that a disastrous date

on a riverboat with a drunken marketing manager

hellbent on revenge would be the best way to talk to Shelley,

but, for once, he wasn't going to overthink things.

For the first time since his mother died,

Leonard could feel his universe beginning to expand.

"...panel of judges made of communication experts,

- chamber officials and members..." - Hey.

HUNGRY PAUL CONTINUES READING

- Hey, Leonard. - Sorry I'm a little late.

That's all right. I'm breaking in my new Docs anyway.

- Oh, nice! - Look at this.

The Chamber of Commerce are running a competition.

- For new email sign-off? - Yeah.

Winner gets a statuette and ten grand.

For a new email sign-off.

Yes, Leonard, for a new email sign-off.

- OK, so what are you thinking? - Well, how do you sign off your emails?

- Uh, "Best." - Best what?

Wishes, I guess.

Sometimes I just write "Leonard" and I leave off the "best" altogether.

This is nice.

It's my sister's wedding, I'm not joining a ska band.

"Regards" is a bit lukewarm.

"Yours faithfully"?

Mhm. Why bring fidelity into it at all?

And "sincerely" has the opposite effect of its intention.

- You know, now my guard is up. - Feel like you've just been lied to.

- Oh, God. - What? - This is

Just don't look.

- What's going on? - Just keep walking and hopefully she won't spot us. OK.

Konnichiwa!

- Isabelle. - See you on Monday!

Yep.

- What was that about? - Don't get sucked in.

Isabelle is...

..cold, calculating...

..ruthless.

A real judo nemesis.

- She's your nemesis? - Isabelle may have the advantage

of youth and fleetness of foot,

but I'm winning up here.

Long runs the fox, Leonard.

Right, why don't we try this one with, uh,

a white shirt and...

..this purple tie?

Same as Grace's favourite sweet wrapper in the Quality Street tin.

How's the Roman book going, by the way?

- Done. - Huh? - Sent it earlier.

- Are you happy with it? - Ah, it's a bit samey,

but it's what the author wanted, so.

Don't hold yourself back, Leonard.

- You're not the first person to say that to me. - Really?

Maybe the universe is telling you to write your own book.

You know more about encyclopaedias than anyone.

Well, I have been working up some ideas of my own.

But then, Mum, you know...

Yeah, I know.

But I also know that, if I were a kid,

I would much rather read your book than the regurgitations

of some absentee author.

- Mm. - There it is.

That night, on a high from the day's events,

Leonard channelled his positivity into his own encyclopaedia.

Freed from the corporate demands of the marketing department,

he let his imagination run free.

Elsewhere, Hungry Paul experienced that peculiar moment

when brilliance arrives uninvited.

His entry for the email sign-off competition appeared,

fully formed.

It was beginning to dawn on Leonard that his expanding world

now included Shelley,

real and complicated,

and completely beyond

his experience.

The question keeping him awake was

no longer whether she liked him or not.

It was simpler and more paralysing.

What on Earth was he supposed to do next?

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