Original subtitles

Hello, family man.

Hello, sir.

Good to see you, brother. Good to see you, too.

We were just talking about, like, you have two kids now. You have a real

You got to get an SUV.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, we had something. But just once you get the two car seats in

back and then, you know, with all the shit for the kids and then all the shit

your wife has, all of a sudden it's just like, oh, I now understand. Remember

the Suburban? Yeah. Which was a long, like, blazer.

And you look at that thing like who the fuck needs all of that unless you're

like homeless and that's where you live. But then you're like, oh, I get it.

Again, if you have three, four kids, yes, you definitely need one. You

definitely need one. They always bring a bunch of shit with them too. They want

to bring stuff.

Oh, yeah. You have to have room for a toy or this or that.

Those Tesla ones you were talking about, those are great. The X with the crazy

doors. Yeah, the Lambo doors. Yeah, those are dope. Have you ever seen them

dance?

No. Tiffany Haddish had one. She was in the back of the comedy store.

I heard that. And she set it to dance and she puts music on it and the wings

start going up and the car starts turning left and right. It's actually

badass. It's fun.

She's one of the most fun people I've ever hung out with. She's very fun. I

I was there for that. She had the COVID.

She had it. She got it over. She kicked it.

I'm surprised more comics didn't get it the way we're shaking hands and meeting

people after shows.

Yeah.

My wife had the kids. We had to get tested.

You're clean?

Yeah. Big Jay Oakerson got it.

He had it, and he's clean. It feels weird to be talking about people that

it. Yeah.

I know a lot of people that got it. Yeah. I know about nine.

You're naming names like Joe McCarthy over there.

They're fine now.

Well, I like people who have had it now because they have the antibodies. They

think they can walk on fire. It's like, dude, this thing is a brand new thing. I

don't know if you want to be testing.

You know, I got a buddy of mine ended up getting it, and then he was just like,

well, I got tested. I got the antibody.

So now I think he feels like he's bulletproof.

They don't even know if you can catch it again.

They really have no idea.

Well, people are going to find out. Yeah, we're going to find out. Yeah,

when I was driving over here, I actually got into a moderate level of traffic on

the highway. Like I've noticed it's just at some point. I mean, considering

people are just kind of doing what they want to do, and a lot of people were.

After two weeks, everyone just sort of, depending on where your ego was, like,

you know, tell me fucking something.

I'm going to go outside.

Those people, they just kept it going. So now I just feel like, well, you can't

have 60 % of the population go broke because less than 1 % has something.

So I don't know. I think we're just going to just go back. I think we're

going to go back. And if you get it, you get it. And if you die, you die. And if

you don't, you don't.

eventually they're going to get something that'll slow it down or stop

something like that. Here's what slows it down. Your fucking immune system.

don't tell you a goddamn thing about that. They don't tell you how to take

of your immune system. There's no word about that. Put a mask on. Wash your

hands. No one's telling you sleep more, drink water, take vitamins.

There's none of that. Yeah, and I know this one guy brought up vitamin D on his

big podcast, and then you couldn't find it anymore. Dude, you're like fucking

Oprah when she attacked the meat industry.

I just saw a clip. Oh, this guy on Rogan. Of course, I didn't even research

the guy was. It was just like take vitamin D. It was a woman. A woman.

That's how much I pay attention. And then I go to the fucking health food

It's all gone.

And there was something that just bootleg vitamin D. It was like vitamin D

I'm like, what is that?

What is that? I know that that's probably going to make me catch it. So I

take vitamin C and I try to get eight hours sleep. And I've been doing a

good job of I'm pretty antisocial like a lot of comics. So I haven't had a

problem.

Keep it away from everybody?

Yeah, my wife, I quarantine in my house. Like my wife said, you guys want to sit

down and have dinner with us? I'm always open.

So I'm alone. No one can hurt me.

Just leftover childhood shit.

Just coming from a family of loners. Do you feel weird not doing stand -up? What

has that been like?

I did not miss it.

At all. But I think that whenever there's something painful in my life, I

that that's what I do. I just go, I don't care.

I don't give a fuck.

I really learned a lot more about myself during this quiet time of not running

around and going to airports and kind of sitting with myself and being like,

wow, I thought I was way further down the road working on myself than I was.

I have a lot of fucking...

childhood issues left over. I got a lot of like, I really started like all these

puzzle pieces just started coming in and I was able to look all the way back

where I was to where, where I am now and how I got here and these little fucking

things that happened to me, you know, good things and bad that just sort of

knocked me down this road that I'm on. It was just sitting alone with alone

time.

Yeah. Well, you know, my, My wife was going through, you know, the third

trimester, you know, when they're just over it, and you're like, oh, God,

six weeks ago.

I made it happen now. You're like, oh, no.

You know, I'd finally, you know, get my daughter to bed, get her to bed.

Everything was good, made sure all the doors were locked, and then I was just

sort of like, you know, all these years of doing stand -up, I'm just up at that

hour. Right. So I was just sort of, you know, sitting kind of by myself.

I don't know. I haven't been watching TV like the news. You just brought up

three things. You see it's going on in Seattle with the fucking FCC, whatever

says. Antifa.

I don't even know what it is.

What is FIFA?

Antifa. They call themselves anti -fascists.

And they wear masks and carry sticks and helmets and shit.

And intimidate people.

Exactly. To stop fascism.

They use fascism to stop fascism. And they blocked off, I think, six blocks of

Seattle. And they declared it a police -free zone.

This is occupied by the people of Seattle. And you can't use money in that

police -free zone. You know, Joe, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's

not going to end well.

It's not going to end well at all. The only thing that's going to keep it from

ending badly is that Seattle is kind of a fucked up city. city they tolerate a

lot of homelessness so Seattle's got a lot of weird laws like it's a it's a um

forget the way it's described I think it's a mutual combat state that's what

it's described so like if you're in front of a cop say if uh say if I'm a

and you and Jamie decide to duke it out you can just say you want to fight

motherfucker and he'll go yeah I want to fight and the cops will let you fight

Because it's some Wild West mining shit from like the fucking 1600s. Settle it

like men.

No lawsuits. I like it. You can duke it out in the middle of the street. It's

very dangerous, though. People getting knocked out on the street is fucking

terrifying. Because they fall and they hit their head and they go unconscious.

And there's no refs to stop those last nine hammer shifts. Well, I think the

cops are supposed to do that. The cops are supposed to act as a referee, too.

There's videos of guys getting into street fights in Seattle and cops just

standing around watching.

Yeah, it's real weird. I don't have a problem. If two people are willing to do

it and they know the risks, you know if you get hit, you're going to fall and

crack your head on the back of the curb there.

A lot of them are drunk, though. They don't know the risks.

There was one of them. This kid, I think his last name is Fodor.

I think Carlos Fodor. He was an MMA fighter, and he would dress up like a

superhero. Let's see if we can find out.

Do you remember his name?

Anyway.

He actually knew how to fight, and he was dressed like a superhero.

So he's kind of baiting people to fuck with him. And he's walking down the

street, and these guys fuck with him. That's hilarious.

They decide to go at it, and then he's bouncing around like a real pro fighter

and starts slamming leg kicks in on this guy. You see this guy's face like, oh,

my God, what the fuck have I signed up for?

He's just some drunk asshole and some dude dressed like a superhero.

I don't have any sympathy for those people. I think he called himself

Jones. If I saw a guy walking around dressed like a superhero, I'd be like,

guy's out of his fucking mind. And I would give him a wide berth.

Hoping he was on his way to his place of solitude, whatever.

Maybe he's on his way home to his ice house.

He's on his way to the Batcave.

But if I was younger, yeah, I might have, you know, if I was standing in a

crowd, yeah, I probably would have done some fucking.

Punk shit like that. Couple of whiskeys in you? Oh, yeah. Get my fucking orange

wig slapped off. Yeah, probably.

So Seattle is run by a warlord. One fucking dude, apparently, according to

friend, who's a SEAL, was running this entire seven block or six block area of

Seattle. They spray painted all the windows on this. Yeah, you know. Okay.

to me in three days.

It's been going on a lot longer than that. It'll be fun.

You think so?

Yeah. What is going to happen? Do you think there's war loads? What, he's

to have 10 blocks and then 11 and then he's going to take over all of

Washington? I mean, he's going to run out of men. They have guns.

Okay. That's the problem. The problem is they're openly carrying rifles inside

the six block. I know, but they need to eat.

Okay. And then no supplies are going to get in that seven block. They're just

going to wait them out.

Or they're going to come in with superior firepower.

It's not going to end well, Joe. I don't think it's going to end well. I don't

know how it's going to end.

All right.

Let's guess the scenario.

Okay. All right. How many bodies?

What's the over -under? Four people die.

How many are there? How many of them are there?

Thousands. I think.

Thousands, and you're only going with four.

That's a good number. That's like a Vegas number where you're like, fuck.

always pick the perfect. Do I go over or do I go under this?

The price is right.

I don't know how many fucking people are in there, but the photos that I saw,

the place is packed, filled with people like they're just getting out of a

Chappelle show. Look at this.

These are the people. They took City Hall.

Oh, they took City Hall. They own City Hall now? Oh, now most of them are

so I don't see the staying power of this. Wait a minute. What did you just

They opened the door for them? Yeah.

They gave them City Hall. So this is City Hall they're walking into right

Yeah, this is, yeah.

Well, this is going to be funny now when they get in and they don't know what to

do. Let me hear some volume on this, Jamie. I want to hear what the fuck

yelling.

Something about Jamie Masada.

Jamie's got to go?

Yeah.

The Laugh Factory in Long Beach got looted last night.

Oh, God, I can't imagine how many puppets they took.

Are there puppets in the Laugh Factory? Are there any giant creepy fucking

mannequins? That place is, you know, I love that place. I love performing

But some of Jamie's decor.

One of my favorite things to do in this business is shit on Jamie Masada. He

knows I love him.

Buddy. Bill Burr. Black Lives Matter, buddy. Don't burn down my club.

Yes, please, buddy.

This business has always been weird like that. No, that's why you're the king,

dude, because you got outside of it, but you're totally in it, and they can't

get you. They can't get you.

I'm piling up some stories here, being in the matrix.

I won't get into them, but it's the same.

It's just the same old corporations only know how to do business one fucking

way.

They push their advantage.

They push their advantage. They have their leverage, and they want the

slice of the pie.

That's what they do. I don't have a problem with that. It's when they go

that, and they just straight up steal.

Are they stealing from you right now?

Everybody does. Every time you get in business with corporate guys, this is

it works. It's like the check.

Okay, we're in business to make money from them, and then you get in business

with them, and then the check goes to the corporate guy, and then you get your

cut off of his checkbook.

So right there.

I am immediately in a situation where there's no way I can steal from him, but

he can rob me fucking blind. Right. And you can add a bunch of expenses on the

thing. Front end load expenses to make it look like they're losing money.

And yeah. Hollywood accounting.

Yeah. No, it's stealing.

It's stealing is what it is. They just call it Hollywood accounting. But it's

not Hollywood accounting. It's corporate accounting.

It's scumbag accounting. That's just.

And it's how they do it. And they sleep at night. And then they always have. Oh,

that's over in the accounting section of the building. Not over here where me

and my yacht are.

I'm like artist friendly. You know, I majored in fucking.

liberal arts in college. Well, what was really interesting when podcasts started

to take off, they started to try to get in with the old model and weasel into

podcasts and buy pieces of podcasts.

Your deal is going to, if you think the fucking industry is going to sit back

when they didn't get to wet their beak on that thing, I'm going to tell every

young comic when we get back to this shit.

What they're going to do now is what the music industry did, where they started

signing straight across the board deals. They're going to get some young kid

who's got no power in the business, and it's just like, you know, we'll help you

create a podcast.

You know, we're signed with so -and -so, blah, blah, blah. And what they're

going to do is they're going to own the podcast. The advertising money is going

to go to them, and they're going to rob them fucking blind.

100%. They're going to 100%, 100 % going to fucking steal from them, rob them

fucking blind. And then when they get audited.

And they get caught stealing, they're going to label that kid, that young

difficult to work with.

Meaning difficult to steal from.

It's already happening.

Yeah.

I know guys who, young guys, I won't name any names, but they've come up to

and go, hey,

I'm signed to this management company. They want to sign me. But they want a

piece of my podcast.

No. They want a piece of this.

And they want it in perpetuity. There's no reason. There's no reason.

Yeah. You've got to tell people that, too. Oh, I tell them. You've got to tell

people. Do not. I tell them, don't give up anything.

Don't give up anything.

Don't ever. It's all you. It's all you. Because they're not going to do anything

for you. What they're going to do is move the ball quicker that first fucking

two years, and then the rest is all going to be you. If you just hang in

and struggle a little bit, like, uh -uh. You've got to grind. You've just got to

hang in there and keep going. I mean, I've got a lot of offers to buy half of

the podcast or to buy – nothing.

I won't do it. I'll never do it.

But then Spotify came along and they said, we'll give you a licensing deal.

So just put it on our network for three months, but you still own it. I'm like,

all right, we're in.

And that's why we did it that way. But this comic that I won't name, he was

telling me that this management company, they wanted to sign him. They wanted to

own a piece of his podcast forever.

And I'm like, that is fucking crazy.

Yeah, because what they're going to look at it is they're going to make it like

if you started a podcast while you were with this manager or while you were with

this agent, it would be like back in the day when you booked a sitcom.

Exactly.

If you left the agency or the manager throughout the lifetime of that sitcom,

you owed the commission to them. Exactly. But back then, you needed them

that. You don't need them for the podcast, but they're going to do that.

you're going to leave this manager, and then for the rest of your fucking life,

you're going to be paying this never -ending alimony.

Yeah. I mean, there'll be guys eventually that'll try to take 50, 60, I

podcast. Uh -huh.

Managers will start, agents will start podcast networks because there's nobody

regulating them.

To not do that anymore. I got an offer just five years ago from a company that

was a radio company that wanted 50 % of the podcast. They were going to give me

no money. They wanted 50 % of the podcast just to be associated with them.

they're like, we're going to pull together all these advertisers and it's

to help your revenue. No.

50%. No. And they never deliver with what they say they're going to. They

They come in and they just.

They gut the thing.

Well, the beautiful thing about podcasts is podcasts all get big on word of

mouth. Like I've never advertised this podcast. I never did anything with it. I

never bought billboards or put ads up anywhere.

It's just from word of mouth. And the way other podcasts grow is people get on

people's podcasts and they say, hey, you listen to Bill Burr's podcast, Money

Morning podcast, fucking hilarious.

And then it just grows from people promoting. But I think it's the job of

making money in podcasting is to let new podcasters know do not sign those deals

ever. Not let the fox into the hen house because they're going to fucking rob

you blind.

And you don't need them. I saw this documentary one time on this heavy metal

band Anvil, right? This crazy thing about this band that just was around

and never quite made it. And I think it was that one.

It's one of those ones about an old metal band from the 80s. And this guy

said... Like the truest shit ever when he was talking about the music business.

And this goes straight across podcast and everything. He goes, you're better

own something 100 % and only sell 20 ,000 copies than you are to not own it

all and sell 20 million. Like you're literally going to make more if you just

sell 20. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, no. And then another thing that they – oh, my God, dude. Another thing

that they do is then all the people that they lose on, they dump that on you.

Yeah, yeah.

Like I remember one time.

I forget what it was with this network. And I had a CD that was already made.

I already made it. And I just wanted them to put it out on their label.

And they wanted to own the CD.

And I was like, no, I'm not. No, I don't want you to own it. I just need you to

distribute it. I need you as a distributor.

And the guy said to me, he goes, well, you know, ownership shouldn't be that

a deal for you.

It should be about exposure.

I said, all right, well, let me ask you this. If ownership shouldn't be that big

a deal to me, why is it such a big deal to you?

And he started like stammering. And then he basically said, well, you know, we

get in business with something. He named a couple of the comics whose CDs didn't

sell. And we have to recoup those losses. It's like, that ain't my fault.

That's hilarious.

I could have told you not to sign that fucking jerk off. What is your... It's

not my fault you didn't do the fucking work.

So that's the way...

I had another one one time I signed with. This was back when I made CDs and

did one and I had a 60 -40. I was getting 60 and they were getting 40.

But their 40 was off the gross.

Mine was off the net. And all expenses for the album was on me. It's like I

thought we were doing this together.

Every fucking thing, the artwork, printing it, all of that, all of those

expenses came to me. And in the end, that 60 -40, 60 net, 40 gross, they made

way more money than I did.

It's just how they – you're like, oh, okay. Well, I'm getting $6 on every 10.

Yeah, plus – but anything – It's just hilarious that they would come up to you

and tell you that we did some deals with some other comics. Dude, I get in

business one time to make this TV show and the fucking guy sends the bill for

the whole fucking thing.

I shouldn't be saying it, but this was a while ago, right? The guy was going to

bill us $2 ,500 a month to use his copier machine.

And another, I don't know, $4 ,500 to use as editing.

It's like, dude, we have both of those things. We don't need those.

Let's take that money and put it on the screen. We're trying to get this thing

to go. And the guy like, oh, the funniest shit ever. He goes like, I'm

by those questions or something like that, which is my favorite thing ever.

The offense, like the, what is the, I don't know.

You're a fucking thief and you actually have the audacity.

To be like taken aback, like fanning yourself. Like, I can't believe you'd

suggest.

How many fucking shows are you charging $2 ,500 a month to go, you know,

fucking.

Use your copy machine.

Yeah. A lot of money. That's rent for a nice apartment.

No, fucking thieves.

Copy machine.

How much does it cost to use that copy machine, really?

First of all, the copy machine probably doesn't even cost $2 ,500.

Probably renting it. Yeah.

Probably rents it for a couple hundred bucks a fucking month. But even to buy a

copy machine. He probably has nine shows paying $2 ,500 a month for him to go,

that's it. If you have like a really big one, one of those commercial grade copy

machines, what is it called? 10 grand? I mean, how much could it cost?

I mean, I think he's bought a couple of houses off of owning that copier

machine. And I just love telling these fucking stories because these are the

things that you like. What's great about podcasting is you can say this. This is

for every.

person out there who has a fucking business and you know there's that thing

where you want to take it to the next level and then these these guys come in

and then they're all just like yeah well hey we're gonna take a piece of it and

they take a big fucking chunk out of it and what they do is their risk is all

the way down here yours is up here and then somehow they just i'm telling you

like you're better you're better to sell 20 000 copies own it 100 than 20

million and not own any of it because you're going to make more money that's

just how the game is played. And those fucking guys who steal from people, they

sleep very comfortably. But it's also just podcasts, just the stress of

with other people is eliminated.

Just the stress of dealing with production people, executives.

It slows it down. Yeah, it's awful.

It's awful. Yeah, I mean, the only thing Spotify's ever done so far is ask, do

you know who the first guest will be?

And already I'm like, ugh.

They're going to be who they're going to be.

They're going to be great. I'm going to try to get my best friend. The funniest

people. That's them justifying their desk.

I can't just sit here like, Joe knows what he's doing.

Any idea?

I'd like to start an email chain and we could maybe circle back later and have a

conference call.

And they're just trying to fill up there.

Yeah, they're just having to use time.

But the Spotify people have been great. They literally said, we don't want to do

anything. We want you to just do what you're doing.

Just do what you're doing.

But even asking me who the guest is going to be, I was like, oh, no.

Please let this be the only question.

Yeah. I'm never available.

And that's nothing, though. That's nothing. I mean, they're great. But

imagine if you were doing that with a network? Like, imagine if you were in

business with ABC or something like that, and they were helping produce your

podcast. You'd have to go in for meetings.

You'd have to go in and sign into the office. Bill, you sign in here. You go

sit down and waste your fucking afternoon having some dopey

You kind of complain a lot when you read these letters, Bill.

Do you have to when people are signing the emails? Maybe you should be happier.

Can we get a reread on the blah, blah, blah?

How do you feel about product placement? Because we've got a great deal of Coca

-Cola.

Look, I just wanted to tell a few of those younger people out there because

actually really bothers me.

that people do that to people yes it really bothers me and i love comics and

love seeing new comics coming up that have talent and i hate seeing them get

fucked over so hopefully uh people listen and they do it but

They're fucking worms, man. They're fucking worms.

There's a lot of worms out there. And there's a lot of worms that try to grab

comics that are talented but real raw. And they try to lock you up to some

enormous lifetime management deal.

And when you take off and you have something.

Dude, I remember back in the day when companies were like shooting specials

before comics started shooting them.

And the amount of guys that got that, yeah, we only got enough money to shoot

one.

You know, you can only shoot it one time, but you're going to crush it, man.

got this hour down. We only got enough in the budget. And then they'd show up

early and they'd be shooting another comic special.

Off their money, the deal to double them as a management company, what they

would get or an agency.

The amount of fucking times that that happened.

With the same audience.

I mean, yeah.

You want to hear the best one I ever heard?

Jim Brewer was filming a special, sold out the theater.

And the people that were filming the special told him that the money for the

ticket sales was theirs because it was all about the production.

Because the money that people were paying for the production. He's like,

fuck are you talking about?

This is my audience.

That's my money. His management tried to steal the money from ticket sales and

say that it went towards production.

Went all the way to court with it. His manager's on the way to court, has a

fucking panic attack, goes to the hospital.

Like, the whole thing's a nightmare.

I think Jim won. Yeah, of course he won. Yeah, he won. Well, thievery.

Thievery. Like, people are paying to see James Brewer. I have a million of those

fucking stories. I have a lot of those, too. But this is the thing.

This is what kills me about a lot of this.

There's rhetoric that's going on out there, which I agree with 90 percent of

But if you if you agree with 100 percent of it, like you and I are not supposed

to be having stories like this. We're supposed to be the ones doing it.

And it's just like you have to like as far as the the whole, you know, oh,

you're a white male heterosexual, you know, doors just fly open and people

hey, what are your dreams? They like I'm not saying and I'm not obviously not

bitching, but I'm just saying that like like people will fuck you.

It's all about money. It's all about money. They don't give a fuck, and they

all, those people that do that shit really, yeah. So there's a long history

Hollywood accounting.

There's a long history of that. I mean, there's been so many stories about

people who made killer hit movies and never got paid because Hollywood's like,

look, you know, we had this much had to go to advertising, and this is the

production. Look how bad Elvis got fucked. Oh, yeah.

Elvis got fucked so bad, and then one of the main ways he got fucked on the

road, he only did one.

Out of the country date, I believe he did Toronto.

And he never traveled the world because his manager had something going on with

his visa and he was worried if he left, he wouldn't be able to come back.

So that kind of like fucked him out of a ton of fucking money and seeing the

world or whatever the fuck he might have wanted to do.

Keep doing these movies, Elvis.

You don't want to go on the road. That is hilarious.

Well, the best version of breaking down how corrupt the music business is was by

Courtney Love.

They said she had a ghostwriter. I don't know, but she did.

It's a great article that she wrote documenting exactly how much you get

versus how much money gets generated and where it all goes and how they fuck

you.

They've always done it that way.

I mean, that's always the way they've done it. That's the answer. These young

people. That's the answer to it. Well, I mean, that's how it's done. That's how

we do it. Whatever. I don't want to fucking sit here bitching the whole

Hey, are you smoking cigars? Are you done? I quit, but I smoke like one or

month. Oh, God damn it, Joe.

Oh, I got these from Mike Binder.

They're good. What?

Yes.

Well, I guess I didn't quit today, did I?

Come on, Billy.

Fun time. Are we doing this? Yes, let's do it. All right. Come on. We've got to

celebrate. You're a kid.

You have to. There you go. It's my birthday yesterday, too. Oh, that's

Happy birthday. Thank you.

You're 38 again.

52, brother. Holy shit. That's me, too.

52 pickup.

Isn't that a weird number? Like you say it, it doesn't seem real.

Well, I think in your 50s, nothing matters until the odometer flips to 60.

then you're just like, fuck. Yeah, I know.

60. Guys in their 60s. You got a cutter? Yeah, sorry.

Guys in their 60s. Is this the Ted Nugent one? Look at this. What the fuck?

That's a serious one. That's from Benchmade Knives.

It's an awesome knife company. They gave me a good cigar cutter.

You sound like Bill Murray in fucking What About Bob, which I just watched the

other day, you know, when he's eating the food. Great fucking movie.

That's a perfect movie.

When he's fucking eating.

We did a family movie night basically every day of the pandemic.

It was the first couple of months.

Basically every night we watch a new movie. Watch every single Adam Sandler

movie. Watch Groundhog Day again. I forgot how good Groundhog Day was.

These are delicious.

Shout out to Mike Binder.

Yeah, they're very good.

Anyway.

Anyway. But podcasting is fun.

Look, it's great business.

I mean.

I started it off because I was kind of depressed because I had to move back

from Colorado. I thought I had escaped.

I thought I was gone.

I was like, I'm out.

Fuck L .A. I can't take this. Crowds and everything. I want peace and I want the

wilderness. I live in the mountains.

I remember that. And then you had to have a Glock when you went out to go get

your mail so you didn't get eaten by a fucking bobcat or something.

Mile lines. Mile lines, yeah. Yeah, I saw one in the yard.

That could be an issue.

I know. That's basically a middleweight tiger.

It's a welterweight.

Welterweight. 150 pounds.

147.

Welterweight tiger.

Welterweight boxing at least. Welterweight MMA is 170.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's a weird animal to see in the woods too because you know if that thing runs

at you, like you literally have no chance.

They're scared of you though. They don't want nothing to do with you for the

most part.

If they're really hungry and really old, they'll fuck you up.

That's why I try to tell, you know.

My wife, whenever you're outside, I'm like, Mama Bear is next to the cub.

Always. Always. I go, there's coyotes, and they're getting bold because

was inside.

Yeah. And they come down every night looking for a little dog or a little

fucking cat. You hear that shit going down in the hills. Everyone would be

you know, once, two white suits, you just hear, which is basically the dog

what the fuck is that? You know?

Fucking brutal. Yeah, it's gross.

It's scary because a little cleanup crew goes around and catches animals

slipping in the backyard.

Yeah. I don't understand people let little dogs out because those fucking

coyotes, they'll figure out a way in. Oh, yeah. Well, they're very smart.

You know, they have to survive. They figure out a way.

Yeah. Little creepy fucks. Yeah, they are little creepy fucks. They're

everywhere. They're in every city. Can I promote this movie?

Yeah, F is for Family, too. F is for Family, season four.

It's coming out tomorrow.

Tomorrow I got two big things coming out and then that's it. I'm dried up.

Because everybody in interviews are like, what's next for you after these

things? That's it.

It's the pandemic.

Are you going to start going on the road at all?

You're opening up.

Yeah. I'm going to see how you guys do.

You know?

Who comes back with a cough? I'll let you guys walk towards the atom bomb that

they just... I mean, I got a little one at home. So I think I'm going to chill

until like September. Unless it's just wide open.

By chill, I mean...

If things go well, I'm going to try to do some shows at the Troubadour, because

I know that they're hurting, and that's one of my favorite venues. All these

bands that I love have played there. The Troubadour on Santa Monica?

Yeah, so they're in a bad way because of this, so I'm going to try to do a

little run of shows down there.

Are they available? You can do that? Not available yet, but when they are

available, I'm going to try to do a three -night thing down there, work for

free, get the rust off, have people... Pay for tickets. Buy a bunch of booze

some Troubadour t -shirts and keep that place going, man. Oh, that's great.

Yeah. I'll do that.

Yeah. Well, I'll do that too. Let's do it. I'll do it. Yeah. That sounds like

fun. Yeah. I went there twice this year. I saw Everlast there and I saw Sturgill

Simpson there. And Steve Martin opened for Richard Pryor there. Wow.

I read this great Steve Martin article where he was talking about opening for

him there. So it also has like some comedy.

Well, when I was there, I was saying this is a perfect venue for comedy. It's

like 500 seats.

It's awesome. It's got a balcony.

It would be a great place for stand -up.

Yeah. The store needs help, too. Everybody needs help. Improv needs help.

I know the store, once they can open up, I know they're going to be fine. Mm

-hmm. Because I'm going to be down there all the time anyway.

Yeah.

So as far as...

I think between now and September, if they start opening things up, there's a

bunch of little theaters that are around that I would just, you know, pop in and

do a night. Like I said, just work for free, have the people pay, you know,

whatever for some tickets and buy whatever they're selling there, you

Knock the website.

Yeah, you know, because I'm not going to have people pay full price.

I mean, I haven't taken this amount of time off since I started. Yeah.

You know, my last gig was March 10th, the Dean Del Rey Bon Scott Tribute.

Dude, you should have come down for that, man. I couldn't. I had another

had to do.

It looked like a lot of fun, though. Dean fucking murdered, the band

It was fucking, and we had a great comedy show.

Dean's got a crazy voice.

He does. It's so good.

It really sneaks up on you, because he'll sing in the car, but then you see

with the band and goes. The microphone and everything.

When that video that you guys put on Instagram of him singing a whole lot of

Rosie, I was like, holy fuck.

He's really good.

Well, he did it for like 15, 20 years. Yeah, you could tell.

Yeah. I mean, he's legit.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a good time.

And then it was over.

And then it was over. Yeah.

Strange.

Yeah. I've got some gigs lined up.

I'm going to announce them next week.

But I'm just going to hit the road, do some fucking clubs, knock the rust off.

It looks like the store is not listed as a bar. It's listed as an entertainment,

a live entertainment venue because they're opening up bars and restaurants

all these different things.

And the store, they kind of – they tried to label it as a nightclub.

But Peter Shore is like, it's not a nightclub. No one is milling around.

You sit down.

You go in and sit down. It's more like – it's more like – So what do they need

to be classified as to open up?

Well, they need a different distinction for comedy clubs. They don't really have

one. And there's a good argument, a real good argument that comedy clubs should

be some sort of essential business because people need to blow off some

It feels good.

It's really good for you. Look, if I was a guy working a regular job and I was

used to going to the store every couple months to knock some laughs into me, I

mean, I'd be fucking chomping at the bit to go see some comedy right now. Oh, I

think they're going to be packed.

I remember I was in New York during 9 -11, and I was like, is anything ever

going to be funny again? And it was like a two -week lull, and then they were

just fucking packed.

Yeah. It actually became almost like a second boom or whatever way

back in the day. I'm worried about a second wave of the corona. I'm worried

about them locking things down. Someone's got to step in and stop them

doing that. Next wave, you guys got to be proactive.

You got to do something about people's immune systems. You got to lock down old

people and sick people. Let regular people do whatever the fuck they want.

can't just lock people's freedom down for something that killed a small

of what you thought it was going to kill.

The whole thing is – it's just fucking creepy to have guys like Mayor Garcetti

be in charge of telling people whether or not they get to work.

Like that's not what a governor is supposed to be. That's not what a mayor

supposed to be. But they're trying to look out for your best interests and

trying to get 400 million people to all pull in the same direction. It's fucking

– you can't get 40 comics to pull in the same direction. But they did. So like

they have like an impossible – they did and they didn't.

There was people fucking right – The whole fucking time there's been fucking

assholes on my street walking around no masks, you know, not quarantining like

the people that come by the houses. You see the fucking, you know, the same

people that were going in and out of the house who are not part of their family

still going in and out of the house. You want people to walk down the street

with a mask on?

Let's not start this, Joe. Do you, though? Let's not start this.

Okay. Let's start it. I don't want to start this bullshit. I'm not going to

here with no medical degree listening to you with no medical degree with an

American flag behind you smoking a cigar acting like we know what's up.

Better than the CDC.

All I do is I watch the news once every two weeks. I'm like, mask or no mask?

Still mask? All right, mask. That's all I give a fuck about. I don't care. But

even they say you shouldn't wear a mask unless you're treating a coronavirus

patient. The World Health Organization. Yeah, but they didn't say that

initially. They didn't say it initially.

No, they didn't. They did. And then it gradually.

And then everybody wore the fucking mask.

This is like rollerblading. Everybody fucking rollerbladed. And then there was

that one fucking homophobic joke. And then everybody acted like they never did

it. And then a hundred million fucking rollerblades got thrown into the fucking

ocean. We all wore masks. And then all of a sudden people are fucking sitting

there. What? You don't have the body type for it, dude.

Your fucking knuckles would scrape on the ground.

Even with that extra two inches.

I just love how wearing a mask became like this fucking like soft thing that

were doing, like being courteous, being courteous. Why is this for bitches? That

was so stupid.

First of all. Oh, God, you're so tough with your fucking open nose and throat.

T. Joe and your five o 'clock shadow.

This is a man right here. A man doesn't wear a mask.

Why does it always become like that? It's always like the man versus the

That's what men do. That's what men do. We make fun of things.

Anything. Anything that seems like you're not taking chances.

Right? I don't have a problem with that unless you were already wearing the mask

and then you're acting like you didn't. And all of a sudden people watch your

thing and then they all pile up. Oh, look at this bitch wearing the mask. You

were fucking doing it two weeks ago.

Well, I was scared out of my mind in the beginning. In the beginning? Like when

everybody's shutting down in the beginning and people are stockpiling

was convinced.

I was like, Jesus Christ. Dude, you have like nine elk in your basement. You

were the one person I knew was fine. Tom Poppins making bread. I got plenty of

food. I knew he was fine. That's not what I was worried about. I was worried

about people I knew getting really sick and dying. And then I was convinced that

I had it. At one point in time, I was like, God, I do feel like I'm breathing

heavy.

I felt like my breath is coming short.

I did. I did. I had psychosomatic issues thinking about it. I got over it,

though. I got over it.

Guy had a fucking panic attack sitting on fucking 12 elk.

You had a fucking panic attack. And then you felt bad about yourself.

And then you attack people with masks. That's how it works. And that's how the

hatred starts. And that's right now why seven blocks of Seattle, you can't go

now.

I'm going to go and I'm going to drop off free food for those folks. Those

protesters. Joe, there's a major American city where seven blocks, the

have took over it. And I had no idea what you were talking about. So anything

that I, I don't watch it. I envy you. At all. I envy that.

That you just do that. You just shut everything down. Me, every day I check

part of the world is on fire right now. I don't like hysteria. I don't like

making decisions with hysteria.

When I first became a dad, the hysteria of other parents, I would be

looking at them, but I wasn't listening.

Because that's the tone of everything we're saying.

You know, better get some sleep now.

And you'd be like, and then anytime you say anything positive about your kid.

How old's your kid?

Seven weeks.

Oh, yeah?

She's great. She's great. Oh, wait till seven and a half weeks.

It's like, dude, maybe you suck at it. Yeah. How about that? Yeah. You're

sitting there with your fucking legs trembling, right? All nervous and shit.

Yeah. I don't like.

You know, I'm already fucked in the head.

I'm already fucked in the head. I don't need 24 -hour news network. Like, who's

that guy on Fox News?

I always joke with me. Tucker?

He's got great hair but horrible points. Like, if his points were as good as his

hair. Which guy? He looks like a Kennedy.

I mean, he's just, he is the white guy's white guy.

He was talking about black people going, and when they come for you, and they

will, they're going to, you know, it's just like, what are you fucking talking

about? Is it Hannity?

I don't know who he is. No, it's not Hannity.

Hannity was the guy who they put with that fucking rooster at the end, a chick

at the end of his life looking guy.

Like, here's your liberal.

Dude, and all my relatives who are conservatives are like, I mean, look at

He's so meek. It's like this thing is cast like a show. Yeah, who was that guy

that he was with? Hannity and Combs.

Hannity and Combs. And the one guy looked like he was on death's door, and

was the liberal. He was great.

He was great. And the other guy looked like a football hero, astronaut with a

square jaw.

Nice fucking head of hair. The other guy with the little glasses.

He looked like Mr. Burns, right?

Yes. And he had no spine.

He wasn't a strong arguer.

He was the Washington General. And the other guy was the Globetrotter.

Conservative point.

And then you put on CNN and you got all those fucking nitwits with the Situation

Room and all of that.

How about Cuomo and his brother?

This is why I wish...

That there was a comedy club, because there's a bit that's already come and

gone, was what I loved was when Colin Kaepernick, when he was taking a knee,

right? All the liberals were just like, well, hey, man, it's just like his

opinion, man.

This is the time to listen, man.

And then everybody on the right is like, shut the fuck up and play football, you

fucking piece of shit. Don't disrespect the flag, right? And then Drew Brees

tweets something conservative.

And then all of a sudden everybody on the right is like, hey, man, this is

like it's opinion, man. And then everybody on the left is like, you

racist piece of shit. I'm going to fucking cancel you. They literally do

Everybody believes in like freedom of speech as long as you're saying what

want to fucking hear. And that's why I fucking hate both of those news

It makes my blood boil when I walk into a house.

With people I know, if they're watching CNN or Fox, like I can't get past – like

when people watch like the Kardashians, it's like why would you do that to your

brain?

It is what it's like.

I mean it's very toxic. It's very toxic, both sides. And they never see

any good points that the other side is making. And every video on the internet

starts after the thing happened.

And it's like you're always like it's like you're getting eight episodes in

you're like, what the fuck? It's like you don't know what.

Like, if you watch the last scene of Josh, you're like, why the fuck did he

that shark?

There's enough sharks dying out there.

You didn't see that this thing was specifically targeting human beings and

needed to do this. Right.

How does that relate to the news?

I'm saying when you watch the news.

People don't like – they're not filming what leads up to whatever fucking

confrontation happens.

Okay? So you're getting a very skewed – you don't know what happens. You know

what a good version of that is? What they're saying happens could be what

happened or a bunch of other shit. I don't understand how I'm supposed to

something.

There's obviously obvious shit. That shit in Minneapolis was the most obvious

shit ever.

That guy's a murderer, and those other three guys sat around and just watched

him fucking do it. A guy's calling out, I can't breathe, and all of this shit.

I'm calling out for his mother. It was fucking sickening. That guy's a monster.

He had the audacity to have a shocked look on his fucking face.

That guy's terrible, right? But, like, what I'm saying is that thing had all of

this. He kind of got the whole fucking thing. When they came up, you had the

whole thing. There's so many others. And I'm not talking about cop stuff.

I'm just talking about anything.

Taking a little piece of somebody's... stand -up routine or a politician says

this or voted he voted no on this and what it is is the shit that all it's

usually the shit that was attached to it which is something i don't understand

with politics like why can't you just vote on what you're voting on like

we have clean water yes we should and then like the shit that's attached to it

but we can still fucking dump toxic shit in here and then when the guy goes to

or the woman goes to run it's like oh this this person voted against the clean

water act This is your tree hugger?

I'm Joe Blow, and I approve of this message. Well, here's a good version of

that. Remember the Covington school case?

The kid had a MAGA hat on, and the Native American was beating the drums,

the kid was smiling, looking at him. And they took it, pretending that this kid

walked up to this Native American, beating the drums, and was smiling on

face and mocking him. What really happened is these kids were on a field

for high school.

They're selling MAGA hats.

The kid was 16.

They're being jerked off. They buy these hats and put them on. They're just

having fun. Very little supervision.

While they're there...

These Native Americans are beating their drums, and this guy walks up to the kid

and gets in the kid's face and is beating the drum. Now, CNN, all these

went with this narrative that these kids were mocking him. The kid just stood

there smiling while this Native American got in his face. But the photo of the

kid doing that. It's disturbing that those – there used to be rules on

of media.

Yeah. I think way back in the day it was like a rule of sevens, like no one

person could own seven – any combination of radio, TV, because you can literally

influence public opinion. Oh, yeah. And that's why – Like, I've watched, and I,

dude, 12 years ago, I went down the Federal Reserve fucking rabbit hole. I

became a fucking, the guy you didn't want to talk to. About the Federal

All of that shit. The private thing, it's not, it's just Federal, it's the

Federal Express.

I went down. Jekyll Island.

Yeah. All of that shit. And like, watching, I just, I just feel like in

last, I don't know how many years where it's just all of a sudden they stopped

being just sort of, everything they were, I think reporting was always

to some level.

And now it's just – you're sort of watching like op -ed pieces. So I don't

This is somebody who doesn't watch anything and reads like autobiographies

football players in the 1950s. Well, in the Covington school kid case, they

sued. The kid sued and won.

The CNN painted him out to be a monster. They were getting death threats. And

did CNN issue a retraction? I don't know what they did, but they paid him.

I don't I don't know what they but that's why I don't I don't like either

those channels because of that. And it causes, I think, rational people like

that guy, the guy, the fat dude in the bicycle suit ripping those pieces of

paper out of those girls hands.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That guy. That is the result, I think, of watching one of those channels

24 seven and then going on Facebook and writing in capital letters. Could you

imagine if you were there watching that guy rip?

pieces of paper out of a little girl's hand like that that he didn't even know,

yelling at her, running up to her where the mother is yelling, you stop touching

her. Get your hands off her.

Oh, that was the mom? I thought that was her friend. Whoever that was. It

sounded like a woman.

It sounded like a woman yelling because it was a little girl.

He was doing everything but growling.

Yeah. Because then it gets to the point of like, what is in your head?

That you're trying to defend. Like, that's the guy.

But then everybody vilifies the guy, which I would rather sit down and talk

that guy and be like, let me ask you this. When you watch that, you know,

video, like, what is it that you see?

Because just yelling at them and canceling them and making them lose his

job, you're just going to make the guy even more angry.

And he probably has grandkids that he's going to fill their head before he dies.

So what's the solution?

Sit down and talk to him?

I think that should be part of it.

Like, buddy, let's sit down for a second.

You were on a bicycle.

You wanted to burn some calories.

You're obviously into it by the way you drive.

Okay?

You're enjoying America's great parks. Right.

You come across these kids.

You know, do you like kids?

Have you ever attacked a kid before?

They're just putting a piece of paper up with a point of view. Like, what do you

think led up?

To that level of a response, because I have to be honest, like we've all

snapped and done shit. I would like to think I have.

And afterwards, I'd be like, what the fuck? Why did I argue that? Why did I

that? Why did I do that?

And the only way to kind of prevent from you being a fucking asshole again is

you have to kind of walk back and look at it. Right.

So going at the guy, which I totally understand because it was.

It was so bad it was almost comical because he was borderline growling at

Well, you know what was really bad? He didn't even get the paper from the girl.

He grabs the girl. The girl clenched her fist down and held onto the paper.

My favorite part was the sound of the bottom of his shoes that clip into the

pedal.

He sounded like a little show pony.

He was trying to growl like a tiger, and he sounded like my pretty pony, like

somebody should have been.

combing his hair so and i was sitting there going look at this crazy old guy

uh okay i don't know how i didn't think how old i thought he was but then he was

like 60 i was like this guy's like only eight years older than me so he

graduated high school like eight years before me so like this guy is almost

of my generation like what experiences did he have that he looks at this whole

thing like um you know i mean i'm not that that that things saying all

cops are like those guys it's like no it's like you have to get those guys off

of the force that's what i think so um i just don't understand like

and that was my understanding what they were putting up there was specific to

the minneapolis case so my thing is as a human being how could you have issue

with somebody trying to put something up you know

honoring that guy or something positive about that.

That's what I was confused.

I don't know what you put up. I'm not sure what you put up. It was definitely

about the George Floyd protest.

You know, maybe organizing it.

I couldn't see what was written on the paper, and I filled that in when I

watched it.

But I really couldn't get over the sound of his shoes, though.

That was really fucking funny. And when he started walking faster with the bike,

it was almost like a great movie trailer for a horror film.

Yeah. No?

The 60 -year -old fat bike rider? Imagine if that was your daughter.

Imagine if your daughter, you're sitting there and that guy runs up to your

daughter and he's grabbing the paper out of her hand. He's running at her,

grabbing the paper while a woman's screaming at him to not touch her. Don't

touch her.

Yeah, I mean.

Imagine. Yeah. I mean, there's only one response to the father.

Yeah. Murder.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't like murder.

No. What do you like?

Mame. I want him to remember that he did it.

That's interesting.

That's another level. Start with a blown out ACL and you go from there. Yeah.

Beat him with his stupid shoe.

Why do people wear... I actually had to look up why people wore those shoes.

They clip in.

I know they do, but I'm like, what is the advantage of that? Is there an

advantage? Yeah, I think it's when you're coming up this way.

You can still pull with your legs, so you're getting more of an efficient

motion. This guy's really into biking and not putting paper on trees.

Don't put their dead relatives in their faces.

Just a man that would run up to a little girl like that and grab her, grab paper

out of her hand.

There he is.

Click, click, click, click. But that's before he grabs her, Jamie.

Yeah, back it up from the beginning.

Now, as far as you, with your martial art background, you've got to be

with the way he's using his bike there.

No. He's sort of like trying to be a little herd.

Bicyclist from Maryland. What does it say? Rewind it. See right there.

That's where a bison was caught on video earlier attacking teenagers who were

posting flyers. Is that a teenager? It's a little girl.

Is that really a teenager? She might be 13.

He just runs up to her yelling at her. I mean, look, he's towering. Oh, my God.

Look at her, though. Good for her.

Yeah. See, I don't know if that's a woman or her friend, but that girl's got

balls or ovaries.

I like the little skip step, too, like a cornerback. Well, he's running at the

guy with the camera and knocks him over.

The man achieves his goal, okay, as much as you don't approve of what he's

doing. He achieves his goal. No, he's still got the paper in his hand. I know.

I'm joking. He grabbed her arm.

Whatever happened to that guy?

I don't know, but they're promoting my movie right there. Look at that. King of

Staten Island. What are the odds? On demand everywhere Friday.

You know, I would be in the news with a big old fucking

orange jumpsuit on if that was happening to my daughter.

Oh, my God. It would be a real problem.

If I caught someone doing that to anybody. Dude, you would be like a

badger on that fucking.

Your biggest problem would be what do I use?

I almost think for half a second, like you would be, you know, elbow. What do I

do? Choke him. What do I fucking do? That's spinning heel kick. I saw you do

If you ever hit me with that, I have to learn how to talk again.

Yeah. Joe, it didn't happen to your daughter, right? I know. You just went

dark fucking place there. I go there all the time, Bill.

It's a real problem with me. I know. I do, too. I go there all the time. I do

think, talking about at least protest, I think something really positive is

going to come out of this because the fact that so many white people are also

getting involved in it and so many cops were vocal saying that they shouldn't do

that. So I think something good is going to come out of this. I couldn't agree

more. I really do. I do. And I hope so, too, because it's...

It's been wrong for way too long, and I also hope that a bunch of other groups

don't use this as a piggyback thing to then do some other shit, which will then

make people who want things to stay the same, they'll be able to shift focus

of how they try to make the protesters and the rioters, the looters, the same

people. Right, right.

Yeah, you did that, and then at night you did this. No.

Yeah. So, I don't know. They're going to do it anyway. I think once the looting

died down, you're seeing peaceful protests that are very encouraging.

I think it's great. I really do. I mean, that downtown L .A. one was amazing.

50 ,000 fucking people filled the streets.

And no crime or very little, nothing I heard of. It was just mostly people

chanting and holding signs.

It looked promising.

Look, the thing that disturbs me is this idea that they should defund the

police. You can't get rid of the police. What you need to do is spend more money

and train them better and have higher standards and do it the way you do the

military where it's very difficult to get in and you weed people out that are

weak. Like, that guy was a pussy. That guy leaning on that guy's neck like

that guy's a monster.

There's no way that guy should have ever been a cop. Yeah, because he knew he

was being filmed too and he just had no... Yeah, I mean, that's like hands in

his pockets like he was just fucking, you know, waiting for an Uber or

like that. He's a monster. Yeah. He's a monster. Yeah.

And that guy had been doing that forever. You know, there's new evidence

they worked together and they fought. They argued about the way that cop was

treating the customers.

They worked together at security at the same club. And that cop was a fucking

asshole to people at the club. And they argued about it. So they had a personal

issue. And there's some people that wanted to be elevated to first -degree

murder because of that, that he did it on purpose.

Oh, he knew? He knew that guy.

Oh, man. I mean it's just – Yeah, they argued when they worked together

apparently. One of the guys that worked with them said that George Floyd was

always telling that guy he's a fucking asshole the way he treats customers

because he would mace people and shit, that kind of stuff, pepper spray folks.

He just was the first guy to use violence right away.

Escalate the situation. He had a history of complaints back to 2006.

My friend Joe Schilling, the kickboxer, I'm talking about him again, but his

fucking page is the most disturbing page right now because all he's done over

the last five, six days is post videos of police brutality.

And it's police brutality on black women, white women, white old men,

black old men, young guys. It's just police brutality over and over and over

over again.

There's a problem of racism in this country for sure.

There's also a real problem with people that have the kind of power the cops

have that are weak people, that are sociopaths. And that's as much of a

as any of this. Yeah.

You attack the racism onto it, and you've got a horrible situation. But

people are psychopaths. They're monsters.

That guy who did that is a fucking monster. You know, this reminds me of a

time ago.

Like, I remember talking to a security guy, and he said the best guys are the

guys that de -escalate it. Yeah.

He goes, you don't because this guy used to put together crews of guys to I

think it was like rock concerts and stuff.

And he said, you didn't want to get guys that wanted to fight.

You didn't want to have those guys because those guys would be a fucking

headache. And every night there was going to be something and there was

be lawsuits like what what you what he was saying you ultimately wanted was

nothing to happen. Yeah.

So I remember because I was joking with him. I remember a long time ago.

The Grill 93, this old Dick Doherty room. I remember that joint.

So two guys were about ready to go at it in the club.

And the bouncer gets them outside.

Okay, and this guy's trying to say his point of view.

And he put his hand on his shoulder. He goes, no, all I was trying to do, he

barely went like that on his shirt. And he goes, okay, first of all, don't touch

me. That's what the bouncer said. And just immediately it was here.

And then it went to here. And then those two guys started yelling at each other.

And then within, I don't know what the fuck, he just.

Twisted the guy up and took him out.

And I forget who the fuck I was with. We were fucking dying laughing.

It just became a catchphrase between us. He would come up, hey, Bill, you

working this weekend? Okay, first of all, don't touch me. You immediately

escalate it where it just becomes a what the fuck. And then, first of all, don't

touch me.

From 90 % of guys is immediately going to put you in your ego where it's like,

oh, fuck. Now he's on top of me and I'm the bitch. I got to at least get a

little get at his eyebrow level. I have to come back with something else.

It was inevitable. The second he said that, first of all, don't touch me. I

like the three slide step down because I learned that young watching fights.

You know, you don't want to have a really good seat because it's like a

You don't know where it's going to go. And you think you think you're like 20

feet away.

That met me at a Bruins game, the old Boston Garden. And it was like one of

those, you know, just everybody smoking.

You probably couldn't smoke in the garden at that point. I just remember

smoky bars and shit. So we went in there and everybody was hammered. I was

hammered drinking like fucking Heffern Reffers. Remember the Green Death,

Like this is like 6 % alcohol.

So like one of those two rows of fans fighting, which is always great because

like the people that are a row up are just throwing down. These guys are

pounding. There's always a loafer laying there, right?

Mike Milbury picking it up. So I remember the cops ran up there, and I

too to watch the fight. And they started grabbing guys and coming down the

stairs. And it was the Boston Guard, and there was nowhere to go. And I just

remember this big cop bounding down the stairs. He literally had a handful of

this guy's neck. It was like his whole neck and his jugular. And this guy was –

I just remember.

He was going, try to push me down the stairs, try to push me down the stairs.

And he came down like, and I was trying to get out of the way. And I think the

guy who he had grabbed, like his knee fucking hit me in the back.

You know, I just got caught by the debris of this guy running by. And

when I kind of learned like, you know, how to watch your fight, which you watch

a fight and you're looking at your exits. Because like I said, it's like

don't know where it's going to fucking go.

And I had learned that lesson. So when I saw that guy say that, first of all,

don't touch me. I was just like, okay, sliding over here.

Let some other people settle in in front of me. I can do, I like doing that.

Yeah, that's the same as if, yeah, you want to be above, slightly above,

down at all the altercations.

You get a better viewpoint there anyway.

Yeah, I suck at it, dude. I stopped fighting in like junior high.

That was it. I just, I knew, I mean, I just knew. I was like, this is not my

thing. I can't slip a punch. I'm slow as shit.

I got a big head. I got a huge target.

This is not going to go three rounds. It's just not.

I fought up until like round six grade. I think I probably had my last one. And

then all of a sudden, kids started to get 120, 130, 140 pounds, and they

being blood and fucking people missing a couple days of school after a beatdown.

I was just like, you know what? I'll kick.

I think I'll be the funny guy.

It's weird how things go sideways like that when there's a feeling in the air.

Whenever chaos breaks out like that and it's a real melee, there's a feeling in

the air. It's like you feel it. It's like, oh, this is nuts.

This is really dangerous.

There's a mob mentality feeling that you get. It's real weird when things go

crazy. I remember it took me having to leave.

for about seven years. I was gone for seven years before I finally walked into

bar and just felt the normal energy.

I think the city changed a lot.

But like that, sort of that tail end of the craziness. I walked into a bar and

you could just feel it. It's like somebody's going to get suckered. Not

It's about 90 minutes away. You could just feel the level of drunkness, the

energy. Well, guys would go out looking for fights.

Some guys would go out looking for fights.

There's a guy I used to train with, Mike Blythe. He used to work at the

Ratskeller. He was a bouncer.

He would wrap his hands.

He would wrap his hands on his way to work.

I knew a guy.

Tape his wrists and shit.

I knew a guy who was a bouncer and he used to bring a mouthpiece to work. But

used to carry it all the time. And I remember when he would get in a fight,

would fucking... It was something where he would bite down. It wasn't like what

you guys wear.

But it would totally psych the other guy out. Like he would come out and he

would just put this thing in and the guy would be like, this guy brought

equipment? Like, what the fuck is going on here?

And I remember one time he got suckered.

He knew it was going to be a fight. And I'm thinking, well, for some dumb

reason, he sat down on the stairs and the guy was standing above him.

And one of his friends jumped down and just punched him. And I saw the

mouthpiece. It was like fucking Buster Douglas Tyson.

I saw his mouthpiece fly towards us.

And then just...

I shouldn't tell these stories. Why? I don't know.

It's my version of... It was a long, long... You got a name in names?

It was like 30 years ago. And what happened was we were in an off -campus

apartment.

And I can't believe I'm going to tell this story.

I'm going to tell the quick version.

Tell the whole version. No.

Two of my buddies left to go upstairs.

It was one of those, you know, those old fucking Boston...

It looked almost like a three -family house, but it wasn't. It was one of

big ones that has all apartments in it, right?

So they left the party we were on on the first floor, and then they went

upstairs.

And like 20 minutes, they came back. One of my buddy's shoulders was separated.

The other guy was flat -lipping, and he had a flat top, too. And maybe he had

this big fucking gash coming right down here, blood coming down his face.

And we were like, what the fuck happened? What the fuck happened? He was

we just asked this guy for a drink, and the whole party started beating on us.

So this whole mob.

goes up the stairs to go fight the party, right?

And I'm going upstairs like, what the fuck am I doing with my big fucking

I'm going to get knocked out here.

But I have to go because they're my friends. So we fucking go up there and

hear the party.

So my buddy, the mouthpiece guy, like the most innocent boy ever, knocks on

door. He goes, hey.

He's like, is there a party going on in there? Right? And the fucking door opens

up and it was like a fucking West, Wild West movie.

Like a saloon fight.

Just fucking haymakers.

I remember, I didn't even want to go in. I was so scared because I was like, oh

my God, this is going to be fucking nuts. And just the mob just sent me in.

it was just like, everybody's just throwing. I remember this dude jumping

my back, punching me in the face, right?

And the smoke fucking clears and it all settles. You know, it was all like

fucking 15 second melee and it all fucking settles. And we look at the

there's like six or seven guys.

Six or seven girls, and there's like a board game that's tipped over, and we

gone to the wrong party.

Swear to God, I know this sounds like a joke. The real party where they got hit

was upstairs.

And I don't remember what happened, but they were actually rich kids, and they

sued my friends for going in, whatever the dumb shit they did. Oh, no. We all

went in to the wrong party.

And they were in there having like a couples thing, and they were playing

fucking Monopoly or something. And all of a sudden, there was a knock on the

door. Hey, is there a party?

And then everybody just came fucking running in.

Get back to them.

That's what I'm saying. No, that's why I didn't want to tell because I felt

really like, yeah, I felt bad. When I was in high school.

The first real brawl that I ever saw was when I was like 17.

I think I was a senior in high school. And there was a rich kid that moved into

the neighborhood. He wanted to make friends.

So he put on this crazy party. He just invited everybody. So kids from all

of different high schools were coming. That's always good. Yeah, Newton North,

Newton South, a bunch of kids from all sorts of other places.

And I happened to be at the right place at the right time when I saw it pop off.

People were already robbing this guy. I saw people taking stuff out of bedrooms

and running down the stairs with it. It was real sketchy because there was way

too many people for this guy's part.

But then this girl, I still to this day don't remember what she did. She either

slapped this guy in the face or she threw a drink in his face. I don't

I think she slapped him. But what I remember is he uncorked a perfect right

on her. He knew how to punch.

Like I remember thinking, wow, this guy's trained because he snapped it.

always the commentator. Listen, I've been doing it for a long time.

But whatever she did, I'm pretty sure she slapped him. But he went like this.

I mean, it was a perfect right hand. Hit her right in the face. Her head goes

back. This guy behind her catches her. She's totally unconscious.

And then...

Ah, chaos.

Chairs flying.

Bodies piling up. And I'm on the stairs. So I'm watching this through the

railings. I see the guy punch the girl. As I'm coming up the stairs, I see it

all play out. I'm like, holy fuck.

And I'm like, I got to get out of here. And there was piles.

I didn't hit anybody, and nobody hit me. It was like a movie. Like, excuse me,

pardon me.

Crawling out.

I fucking dodged everything.

Meanwhile.

I was fighting at the time. I was traveling to tournaments all over the

and fighting. So my friends were looking for me.

They're like, you know, go get Joe.

And there's piles of people brawling. And I'm just ducking the piles.

And then I ran into my friend Jimmy. And I'm like, where is everybody?

And we gathered our friends and got in the car and drove off. We were laughing

our asses off. But it was like when we left, the cops were just starting to

arrive. There was piles of kids beating the shit out of each other on the lawn.

Dude, I remember my friend who separated his shoulder in that fight. We popped

it back in, and he went back up, threw a punch with the same arm, and missed.

It came out again, and I remember him flopping on the ground like a fish out

water. And afterwards, we said to him, like, dude, why didn't you throw the

other hand?

And he goes, because I wanted this hand to get its revenge.

Like he had made part of his body like a karate movie.

Like he had to avenge his shoulder's death.

And I have to tell you something.

When people talk about, you know, you're a funny comedian and blah, blah. The

characters that I grew up with and what I loved about what they did and what

they said was they weren't trying to be funny. Like he was dead serious.

Yeah.

And then we were driving home hammered.

And we were three abreast in the fucking pickup truck. It was this

guy's dad's truck.

And he had the flat top, so he's got dried blood on his forehead. And we're

driving home, and nobody's saying anything.

And the dude in the middle has got these sunglasses on.

And he's just sitting there like this. And then all of a sudden, out of

he just fucking goes like that, scared the fucking shit out of me.

And I was like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? And he goes, oh, sorry.

Because I took a little acid.

He goes, I was looking at this bug.

Because I thought it was on the windshield.

He goes, it turned out it was on the inside of my glasses.

Now, I don't know if that was true.

But, dude, there's no way you could ever reenact how much he flipped it. Like,

how much you would freak out on acid if you thought a bug was over there.

But then your mind told you that it was on the inside of your fucking glasses.

And I just remember.

All three of us just crying, laughing, driving home at this.

It's just a whole fucking situation. That was like every weekend of my life

like probably two and a half, three years. Every single fucking weekend. And

used to go into this club, this bar in Chelsea.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, well, dude, I was such a baby face. That was the only place where he

perked, right? That's a rough place.

Yeah, well, yeah, it was, yeah.

And they were like selling a fucking blow out of there. So they didn't give a

fuck if you look like you were 12 years old like I was when I go up to order my

vodka Collins. How old were you?

I wasn't of age, like 19 or 20, probably 20.

And I would go in there, and I just remember one time standing outside that

and there was this fucking dude who looked like Rob Halford from fucking

Priest, just fucking totally gacked out of his fucking mind, standing in front

of his motorcycle.

And he was telling this story about riding his bike, and this drug thing, he

stuck.

He just kept saying, I'm going around the apex. I'm going around the apex,

I'm going around the apex right now. I'm fucking hammered.

And I'm like making fun of the guy in front of him to my buddy. I'm looking at

my buddy, and I'm so shit -faced. I'm going, going around the apex.

I'm going around the apex, and he's hitting me because the guy's staring at

Yeah, no, it was a – and I didn't – because I never did coke, so I didn't

understand what was going on.

I'm going to leave it at that. I didn't understand what was going on. But all I

knew was I just seemed to be the guy that wanted to go home first.

I'll leave it at that. That was a fucking dangerous place.

Boston was dangerous.

No, this is when I figured out what the fuck was going on. It was one time I

went into the bathroom by myself to take a leak. It was one of those things. You

walk in. There was a sink. There was a stand -up urinal.

And then there was a stall, which just had one toilet.

And I walked in, and there was two fucking leg guys in there. And I was

what the fuck are those guys doing?

My dick's already out, and I'm taking a piss.

And they opened, like, the thing, because it didn't have a latch, opened

they were doing blow.

And I was taking a piss, because it was weird. There was two guys in there, and

I kind of glanced over, as I'm already pissing. I look over, and this guy's all

fucking hammered. A little werewolf's like, what the fuck are you looking at?

And I was just like, pee, pee.

Didn't wash my hands after that one.

No, there was a lot.

I don't know why.

Because a lot of easy targets really got hit. And I was beyond an easy target.

And somehow I just never... You got lucky.

Yeah, I did. I did. Because I would have got really... I was not as tough as my

friends were. My friends were fucking lunatics.

My grade was cool. But the grade above me and the grade below me, they were

some fucking... They were crazy.

But I talked to friends that grew up in other places.

They didn't have the same amount of fight stories.

I think Boston is a particularly fighty place.

Fighty. You know what I'm saying?

I don't know what – yeah, there was something going on. But I think a lot of

those – like New York and – fuck, this thing is going out.

A lot of those – like I find the people in like New England, Long Island,

tri -state area, it's all sort of the same.

Savages.

Savage children of immigrants.

That's what it is. Yeah, but you go out to the Midwest, and that's like German,

a lot of Slavic people, Polish people.

So, I mean, that's – I don't know. I think they just had more space out

so it wasn't as intense. You weren't so, like, packed in. Yeah, you're in a

cornfield. There's something about Boston, though, in particular. I think

more so than New York.

Boston was just a lot of fights, man.

My boxing coach got his finger bitten off on a fight.

He was on PCP. This guy bit his finger off, and he had his toe removed and

replaced his finger with a toe. Did I tell you this? No, I remember that was

move back then. So he had it curved permanently so that he could still throw

right hooks.

So when you would shake his hand, he would always give you one of these.

Yeah, I knew a guy from Boston, too. He had this weird -looking nose, and some

guy... It bit it off and had it reattached. Guys lost ears.

Dude, that's why I'm saying why, you know, right around sixth grade, I was

like, yeah, this is like becoming blood sport. Like, I think I'm going to try to

be funny here.

But yeah, there was a lot of, there was also a lot of, you know, the sports

scene back in Boston is just.

Well, hockey. It was insane.

Well, hockey, though.

Hockey was big in Boston, and hockey is the only sport that involves actual

fights. It's the only sport where fighting is a part of the sport.

I'm reading this book right now. I've got three sports books I'm reading right

now, right? I'd read a few in that line, and then I'd read a couple chapters

over here, and I'm reading this one called, Bartnick gave it to me, called

Code, and it breaks down. For anybody who never understood why there was

fighting, which I never quite understood either. I just knew I liked it.

And how the players have to police the game.

I'm not far enough into the book, but it's really eye -opening, like, what

on out there.

And they have all these enforcers talking about it. Like, sometimes you

fight. Sometimes guys would just skate out. They put them out. Just the guy

being out on the ice. Sometimes he'd say something like,

hey, we don't settle it down out here, boy. Somebody's going to get hurt.

A guy would just say that. And then people are like, all right.

Okay. All right. Let's fucking sticks back down. Everybody play old time

whatever the fuck he was supposed to do. All -star hockey.

And, um, just as far, and then as far as like how there's this whole code of,

and there's all these, there's like.

you know, the heavyweights, like a heavyweight only fucks with a

unless a middleweight is doing some shit and you gave him a warning and he

didn't, then he has to take a fucking beating. And if he doesn't take the

beating and turtles up, that means one of his fucking teammates is going to get

the beating and then he's going to be a fucking asshole in the locker room. I

mean, it is this whole web of fascinating shit because everybody just

the sport and they just think, oh, drop gloves, fucking beat the shit up.

There's a whole fucking thing that is going on out there that actually,

of that, It keeps the game safer, which I don't understand.

I don't understand. I don't understand it either, but I just think it's

fascinating that there's this one sport where it's okay to fight.

John, what are you talking about? The sport you do. That's all they do is

But that's the whole sport.

That's the sport itself. But there's no fighting in basketball.

There's a greed upon fighting in hockey that doesn't exist in any other sport

where everybody backs off and these guys go at it. No, lacrosse. You can do it

in lacrosse.

Who the fuck plays professional lacrosse?

I don't know, but I wouldn't want to say that. I wouldn't want to say that to

one of them. The big guy. The full fucking cage. I wouldn't say that. Those

are savages for no reason. What about the cross -country skiers and all of a

sudden they got a rifle? They're doing like they're in a gun range.

That's different. That's stupid.

Fucking what is that? That's not the decathlon. What is that one called?

like Tex -Mex food.

Right. Asian infused fucking Americana.

That's all it is. It's just people. Tex -Mex.

People are doing their version of cross -country skiing.

I like that cross -country skiing where you then shoot. That's like the

beginning of a lot of James Bond things. You always seem to be in the snow.

Yeah. Well, the whole idea of the elevated heart rate, it's hard to

shot. Because I think they're supposed to shoot offhanded, too.

They're not supposed to have a rest.

I know. See, I don't know shit about hunting, and that's the thing that I

for on the hunting shows.

What? Was when the guys, after the kill.

And then they'd just be like, oh, man, I was so scared.

And they're just saying all this fucking shit. I get it if you're shooting like

a lion.

It's a nerve -wracking thing because you don't want to fuck up.

Because people are going to make fun of you? No, because you're going to hurt an

animal. You don't want to wound the animal. You want to kill it. You want to

kill it cleanly.

And you have to keep it together while you're pulling the trigger on an animal.

You're going to end its life.

It's very nerve -wracking.

Can't you just give them the second one?

Second bullet? Oh, you're saying if he runs away and then he suffers.

If you nick it, you know, you shoot it in the leg or something like that, it's

very likely it's going to get away and die slowly and get eaten by coyotes or

something.

It's really bad. Dude, I got one for you because you got me watching those

fucking videos.

Which one? Animals eating... First of all, I love bears, but I can't watch

kill anything because they don't... You see the recent one? They don't... The

bear took down the buffalo at Yellowstone. They don't kill it. Why

kill it? Oh, he killed it. Well, they just... They kill it because they start

eating it before it's dead. Yeah. They just hold it down. And start eating.

Yeah. That's what bears do.

I got one for you. Okay.

Have you watched the praying mantis' video?

Oh, yes, I have. Do you see the one where the praying mantis eats the lizard

tries to eat him?

Well, because he fucking alligator -armed it.

He was like, I'm going to kill you. He kind of did the little flicky. He gave

him a little jab, and then that thing just grabbed him. He was like, ah, what

the fuck? Yeah, he licked at him.

But if he let his hands go, as you guys say, with his tongue, I think he

could have pulled that thing in and crushed him. No.

No. A praying mantis is so fucking strong.

They're so much stronger than you would imagine them being because they have

these little stick arms.

Yeah. I watched one eat a hummingbird.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They eat all kinds of shit. They eat everything that they get

hold of. We're lucky they're little.

Praying mantises are amazing.

I fucking love those little things. They're crazy.

What they can do to a bird or something much larger than them. The lizard was

the most impressive because the lizard thought it was going to eat him.

And that thing was totally immobilized.

Yeah. It was like – it reminded me of watching the – you say, well, he's

his guard. Yeah. Now he's going for this. That thing was just like, oh. It's

exactly like that because their clamp is so – it's like if somebody got you in a

darts. It's the same thing. Someone gets like this grip and then cinches it up

to a darts choke. You're like trapped in there. That's what it was like. There

it is.

This is poor fuck.

Look, he thinks he's going to get him. He's like, bitch, you ain't getting

nothing. But look how he holds his mouth open.

Then he's like.

Oh, dude, I hate... I feel... But this lizard, he gets away. He gets away for a

second. But this is what's crazy. For a second?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at... He starts eating his mouth.

He just starts slowly pulling him apart. I know what he's doing, Joe. I know

what he's doing. I love it.

Have you ever seen Praying Mantis vs. the Murder Hornet? You know, everybody's

afraid of murder hornets.

Look at him. He's like, fuck, what did you do to my face? Oh, Jesus.

He's like in pain. He's shaking it off. And the praying man is like, bitch, I'm

not done with you yet. Like he's in agony and he's spazzing around.

And the praying man just locks onto him again.

And slowly starts pulling him apart.

And at the end, he's dead.

He just starts eating his brain.

Look at that.

They just can pull that skin apart and bite right through it. But it thinks so

much bigger than him. That's like you eating a cow.

That's like you holding a cow down. I wouldn't do that to him. Look at that.

He's eating his fucking brain.

Lizard's dead as fuck.

Well, that part's not a problem for me right here because now it's dead.

Yeah, but it died this way. I know it did. That was the part I wanted to

I love it.

I'm a big fan of the praying mantis. I like the technique.

I'm not going to begrudge what they do.

I don't need to see it. Pull the video of the grizzly taking down the buffalo.

It was only two days ago. It was in Yellowstone. It linked me to a 30

video of it just fucking up all sorts of animal.

Prang Mantis? Yeah. Oh, put that on there. Oh, by the way, there's so many

fucking people.

Here it goes.

What's he fucking up this one? All kinds of things.

Leaf bug. What is that? It's a leaf bug, I think. Oh, wow. What a weird looking

creature. Oh, the Prang Mantis is pink.

He camouflaged himself.

Oh, wow. Now he's the color of the leaf bug. Yeah, this is a good 10 million

views on this Prang Mantis video.

They're amazing animals, man.

What were you going to say? What were you mad about?

I wasn't mad about anything. I was just like.

I love bears, right? Yes. I love when they ride the bikes at the fucking

I love bears. I love when they ride the bike at the circus.

This is my thing about that. What did they have to do to that bear?

When you see what this thing can do to a bison, what did they do to that bear to

get him to get on a fucking bicycle?

Give him food.

That's how they train him. Is that how you did it?

You got a bear in the back? Just the confidence, the way you said that.

I've seen them train them.

I've seen them train bears.

Are you one of those guys who doesn't need any sleep? Like of all the random

fucking things. This is the one where the bear freaks out.

Oh, with the whip?

That little whip there?

He's just on a bike.

I don't think he freaks out.

I don't think he's beating the bear. I'll tell you right now, that guy's not

dressed to get a fucking, to be attacked by a bear.

No. Well, the bear's got a muzzle on.

And it's a little ass bear. Dude, fuck you, man.

Fuck you? They got the Freddy Krueger claws.

He got four of them. He's on a Vespa now.

Look at that.

Wow. I mean, can you humiliate a bear even more?

He's got to wear that frilly outfit.

Didn't give him a motorcycle. You're the one who's a big fan of the bears riding

bikes. I was joking.

Me too. I was joking.

I didn't know. Maybe the bear should have a mask on. I actually watched a

training video of how, like, where do you find, what part of the internet are

you on? Well, I don't know. I was trying to figure out why people, what the

fuck? That guy's got a giant grizzly bear on the back of his bike. And he's

playing a horn. And he's playing a trumpet.

Does he got any volume on this trumpet? Let me hear this.

Back it up there.

Hello?

This person that's filming this is an idiot.

You think it can't break out of that seatbelt?

Did you see the bear flipping him off? That thing has on a fucking lap belt.

Yeah, what is the bear doing?

Imagine. This has got to be Russia, right?

I mean, it's the only way they would allow this is in Russia.

Yeah. Yeah, look at the language in the back of that truck. He's yelling at the

fucking traffic.

Jesus Christ, let's fucking go!

The size of that fucking thing. My God.

Just throwing his arms up, just thinking about ripping a person apart.

Yeah, he's thinking, like, I used to be in the woods.

I could fucking eat whatever I wanted. The weird thing about bears is if you

train them when they're young, they're almost like dogs.

They become your buddy.

It's weird. The day somebody tells that bear that it's riding, bitch, that guy's

fucking riding a motorcycle.

It's going to be in trouble. He's riding on the side cart.

Yeah, he's going to be in trouble.

Remember those sidecars?

Whatever happened to those? You never see those. A motorcycle with a sidecar.

You ever see the racing?

No, they do sidecar racing. Sidecar racing. And when they go around a turn,

okay, and it's on the side where the guy's riding.

The side is lifted up. That guy, he has to stand up. Dude, they're going like I

don't know how many fucking miles an hour. He has to stand up and lean over

the way over on this side of the bike because of the weight of the sidecar. So

it doesn't fall off. So it doesn't. Yeah.

Go through the turn at a higher speed.

I mean, it's bad enough when you're the guy in the car with the map. You ever

seen those when they have two drivers?

Yeah, the one guy yelling, turn in 100 yards, left, right, left.

Yeah, those rally drivers, right? I never understood that. Do you know what

they're doing? They're yelling out directions of the road, right? But they

notebooks that tell them, like, what's the next turn, next turn right, next

left. I would guess that the course is so long that they can't memorize it.

Or maybe it's just through a fucking town.

No, it must be.

Yeah.

This is a sidecar racing? On the back of the driver, I believe.

You can see how he moves over there. Boy, they're going fast as fuck.

They're going really fast.

Oh, my God.

You're the one who turned me on to those bike races in the Isle of Man.

I was supposed to go to that this year. Oh, you would be side on the side?

Oh, no.

No, no, no fucking way. No, I planned to befriend some people in town with a

balcony. Even then, like, God knows some part of the bike could come flying up.

But I want to go to that before they outlaw it.

You think they'd outlaw it? Just because people die every year?

More people have died than years they've had it.

Whoa. And it's still, like... Look at these motherfuckers. They are flying.

So more than one person dies every year.

That's what that would mean, right? Basically average.

Yeah, and I think way back in the day, way more people died. Like, the safety

equipment is much better. But as you see, they're going by brick walls and

trees, and, like, there's just no... Jesus Christ. When you say safety

equipment, like, what the fuck kind of safety equipment is going to save you

here? Yeah, well, they have an airbag, which is a really amazing piece of

technology, where as you fall, it can tell when you've let go of the bike, and

you're falling, like, instantaneously, and it protects your... Organs?

Yeah, but obviously your brain's in the fluid, so...

Doesn't protect that.

I tell you, but the best racing out there, MotoGP, is the shit.

It's better than this?

Well,

I don't know.

Yeah, I would actually say, because I like the passing. There's so much

Kind of like with Formula One, where the Mercedes and Ferrari are just so much

better than everybody else. It kind of comes down to the two of them. And every

year, since I've been watching since 2015, so I'm new to the sport. Italian

right here. Yes, that's DiVizioso, Marc Marquez, I believe.

You know these guys?

Yeah. Wow.

So Marc Marquez, the guy in second place, is like, he's the Jordan of the

right.

Davizioso is actually in third. I don't know who's in first.

So that's a Ducati, a Honda Ducati, and I think a Suzuki.

Do you ride?

I did for three months out here. I always wanted to ride. My parents would

let me. So finally out here, I took a motorcycle safety course.

I got my license and everything. And then I had a bike for like two months.

LA is not the place to learn how to ride. And everyone was texting while

driving.

You want to go to Wyoming?

I think I want to get a dirt bike.

But this is the type of shit, like with this racing, what I like is, like three

or four races last year on the final lap, there was like two guys that would

pass each other like four or five times.

Like that shit right there.

So then you try to come on the brakes, the latest on the brakes, but not

overshoot the turn. I mean, there's just so much shit that's...

You sort of learn as you're watching. I still don't know shit about it, but

these guys are fucking incredible. Would you be into going to a track?

Learning how to ride on a track? That seems like the safest way to do it.

Absolutely. That is the way to do it. And then wear all of that gear and then

have fun and you can like open up.

Dean sent me a video today. This guy in a Porsche could go 200 miles an hour,

but he fucking does it on a highway. And it's just like, you're going to kill

somebody or kill yourself. It's like, take that thing to the track. Yeah,

do that.

And God forbid you hit some debris.

You know, what's going to happen to your car? I think there's a lot of people

that buy high -performance shit that going to a track either is not

it doesn't enter their mind. Like somebody like myself, like it wasn't

started watching racing, I kind of learned a little bit about it. I'm like,

there's like a track, you know, out in the Inland Empire.

You know, there's a day where the general public can come down or

can pay to rent the track.

And it's kind of like, you know, a lot of these guys you see driving around in

Ferraris. The only time I ever drove a Ferrari was I drove one in a track. It

was fucking unbelievable.

Like how hard you could stomp on the brakes without the thing locking up.

And you're trying to impress the guy you're riding with. And you think you

want to be like flooring it and blah, blah, blah. And what you really want to

doing is smoothly going around. The smoother you go, both, you know, on the

and braking, then it becomes like this really.

like finesse thing where it looks like you just grab it by the fucking throat.

And, and you know, like I said, I only did it one time, but like I immediately

learned that like made me appreciate what they were doing a lot more. Plus I

only went around five times and my fucking brain was like the G force.

Like I almost felt a little bit, uh, like not sick. I just felt a little

up. Like I think I'm going to sit down here for a couple of seconds, not say at

the end of the guys I'm driving with. Hey, fine, fine. I could do that all

Jimmy pull up, uh, Porsche rally driving.

The dirt road Porsche drivers.

Those are the guys that are reading left, right, left, right.

Right, left. They have like a notebook. You need a driver next to you that's got

a notebook.

That looks like a lot of fun. Apparently that's a great way to learn how to

really drive too is on the dirt. Same with dirt bikes because, you know, you

slide a lot. So you learn how to counter steer and you learn how to handle the

weight out back. Like as it's kicking out, you learn how to counter it. I have

this weird thing where I am.

I'm fascinated by machines, and I want to – everything that I see, I want to

learn how to drive it or fly it or whatever.

But I'm not a speed guy.

Like, I'm just not into, like – Because you're smart. Going fast is – I don't

know. It's dangerous. I like chilling. Yeah, these guys. See the guy with the

book. This is a regular robot. Look how fucking – so it's got a digital thing

telling him what gear he's in.

And here's what fascinates me is the trust between those two guys. Oh, yeah.

Like this guy, this guy is driving like a fucking lunatic and this guy's looking

down at his paper.

You know when your friend starts driving like a lunatic, you're looking at him

going, dude, dude, slow down, slow down. This is a road, people and trees and

cars and houses on both sides. This guy's flying down this fucking road and

going sideways all the time. You see him counter -steering all the time. We see

his ass end kick out, like all the time.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Oh, my God. And how are these fucking people that are so confident they can

stand on the side of the road while these maniacs are fucking – I used to

racing was this stupid mindless thing, and now I think it's one of the coolest

sports out there. Oh, it's a very cool sport. It's very – I like driving cars

just – to feel the mechanical, just the gears moving and all the things that are

happening. I have an old Porsche, a 93, that's no power steering.

It doesn't have a radio. It doesn't have anything. That's awesome. And it's all

air -cooled, so it sounds like... It's really mechanical. Have you ever seen

I'll show it to you after we're done. Is that that red one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

wish I had the key with me here. I'd let you drive it. It's fun, but it's not

fast.

It's the slowest car I have, but it's fun.

It's so fun to drive.

You feel everything.

You feel every bump.

There's nothing between you and the wheels in terms of steering. There's no

power. You're steering the wheel all by your hand. It's really hard to steer.

It's not that safe either. You can't make quick turns. You've got to really

muscle that motherfucker.

Look at these guys.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

But when I drive, look at these fucking crazy assholes standing by. I like the

guy with the propeller hat. He's just like, yep, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm

enjoying this, though. Look at the fucking height, and this guy catches the

ground with two wheels.

Oh, my God. Does it land good? It does land good. That's amazing.

But I drive that car to the comedy store. If I want to do, like, if I'm

working on something or I really want to be jazzed up for a set, I'll take that

car to the comedy store because it's so loud and fucking smoky.

Everything's like your whole body. You feel it. You're excited when you get

there. It's like you're a stimulant.

Yeah, I know. It's fun, man. All of that stuff. I love them. Woo!

Look at these guys. Jesus Christ.

You know, since the last time I did this show, I got to finally fly an A -Star,

which was what the cops and the news guys fly. And that was the coolest

A -Star helicopter, we should tell people.

Is the coolest thing I've ever flown as far as like just the power

it had compared to what I would. You know, I fly these little fucking egg

beaters or whatever. But like I did until all that bullshit happened.

But I got one of the last flights I did.

I got to fly a buddy of mine who was training me to get my instrument. Like I

passed the test.

And then after you pass the test, you have two years. So I still have two

I have to December of next year to pass it.

I got to finish that part of it.

Did we do a podcast since you took me up?

Have you done one since you took me up? I think we did. I think we did, yeah.

Did we, Jamie?

Yeah. Fuck, that was fun.

We went over downtown LA and you realize how many of those buildings have

helicopter spots on the top?

Yeah. That was fun, man.

It's crazy to me that with a helicopter, you could just kind of go wherever you

want to go. Yeah. Just fucking float around. Just go wherever you want to go.

You can just stop.

But then what it is is you give up speed for that design.

It has all kinds of drag in just the way it's designed for what you want to do

with it. You give up speed. So I get envious of planes where even if you get

like a Cessna, like they can just fly.

I mean I think even like some of the smaller ones can fly faster than some of

the faster helicopters. I mean you'd have to have like an $8 million

Maybe that could fly faster. But anything that I've fucked with.

You can't come anywhere near – like most of them, 120, 130 knots, and then it

depends on headwind or tailwind. What's a knot to a mile an hour? Well, it's

like – it depends on how the wind – because you can literally be flying 90

and have like a fucking 50 – not what I fly, but a significant headwind.

This is all shit you have to know on the test, and the second you take the test,

you fucking – I forget.

But you'll actually be going slower.

I've had times like especially out like in like Palm Desert and stuff where

there's like a venturi with the way the mountains are and when the fucking The

wind comes in which can be really fucking scary as far as how it throws

around You're looking down at the highway with what I fly and they're

faster than you and you just And then that's when it sucks because also with a

helicopter you you the whole time you can't just like take your hands off his

shit so you have to you you're literally it's like your Porsche like you're You

know, I'm imagining, like, trying to parallel park that car, even though it's

lighter car.

It's a nightmare. I have a 68 Ford F100. When I first had it, I didn't have a

power steering, dude, and it was just light. I mean, I remember when you

that thing through the ice house. That thing is the shit.

Yeah. I love that old truck.

That's kind of my thing. I like the trucks, and then I like old, like, not

cars. Like, the guy who is a pimp, but he's not a pimp.

Like...

You know what I mean? Like, not literally a pimp. He doesn't have a

bitches, but he's crushing life.

Like, I like that car.

Like, if I was going to get another car, I would get a 67 Cadillac Eldorado. And

it's actually the color that I loved that was in the Tarantino movie. But

somebody was selling one, and I swear to God, by the time I saw the YouTube

video, it was already sold. I would have bought that fucking car.

It's the most gangster man's car.

Just the back end of that car, it's perfection.

I absolutely love that fucking car. That's a beautiful car.

67 Eldorado. Would you get a convertible or a regular? No, I hate convertibles.

Do you really? All convertibles?

Yeah, I'm a little sexist with the convertible. There's one convertible

like, the one that I have, the 65 Corvette.

That's a 70. No, no.

What year is that?

It's the car that the woman playing Margot.

What's his name? Margot Robbie. There it is. There it is. There it is.

Right there. It looks like it's green there.

But I think it was blue.

Not that one. No, not that one. Over the guy with the suspenders. Right to the

left of that.

Right here.

Yeah. That one there? That car.

Oh, wow.

You got to see the back end of that car.

That's a late... The 67... 68 or something like that. But the back end...

up 67 Cadillac Eldorado rear end.

This is what I do while you're learning how to train a fucking bear to ride a

bicycle. I look at this shit.

Oh, wow.

Click on that first one. Click on the first one. We see a little bit of the

of the car. I mean, look at that. That's beautiful.

That is beautiful. You need one of those in your life, Bill. I do. I need you

driving one of those. This is what I love about my wife.

I'll show her that. I go, what do you think about that? She's like, that's a

fucking good looking car. And she would be cool if I got something like that, I

think. For sure.

Yeah. But look at that color. I'm too fair -skinned to drive that. You need

olive skin or more.

You could pull it off. You could pull it off. You need one of them paperboy

hats, though.

No, that thing would blend too much in with my beard.

I'd just look like it'd be the ginger mobile.

What color would you get?

There's a year they got – there's a blue that they have.

It's not that blue. It's more of a... Oh, look at that red one. Click on that

red one in the middle.

But look at the front end of that. When your lights are flipped down, look at

that thing. Oh, my God. Look how good that looks in red.

That's a fucking beautiful car.

Oh. But the lines on that car, that's just like... And then that's the kind of

car... I mean, you're not going to smoke a cigar driving down the street riding

that fucking thing. You have to.

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

I think I'm going to get one.

Get one.

I know. Where am I going to put it? Then I'm going to be that guy with the

fucking garage. Put it here.

You can park it here. I'll give you a key.

I got plenty of room. Hey, all right.

Dude. This is why you're the number one podcast in the world. I'm trying to help

people.

I'm trying to encourage irresponsible behavior. And if you continue to own

podcast, you can buy something like that. And if you don't, your fucking

will buy that.

Yeah, I love them. I love Cadillac convertibles too, though. I don't like

car convertibles after a certain – like mine.

That Corvette that I have out there, you've seen that silver one? Yeah. I

that in a convertible. But that has the aftermarket suspension and aftermarket

frame. I've seen all those cars.

The fact that the old one, the frame, it's too much.

It's too much shake and wiggle. You have to have like an aftermarket chassis.

It's far stiffer. They make it so that it's like very, very rigid. It doesn't

bounce around nearly as much. Yeah, then they used to make like a sway bar or

something that you would put in there. Because I know in my truck, when I take

turn, I have to grab underneath the seat and hang on so I don't slide into the

door.

They can upgrade your coil overs and stuff like that and put a better

on it. I have a nice balance of – a little bit of modern on it and still

fighting it. So you feel like, cause it still shifts on the column, which I

think is bad -ass. But then when I get on the highway, I got to stay in the

right lane, you know, three on the tree, right? Yeah.

Do you have disc brakes on it? Did you swap disc brakes out? I had, uh, it, it

had, it had just the shoes on it and then the drum brakes. Yeah. And then I,

converted those.

Christopher Titus helped me with those.

And, um, then what did I do after that?

I switched out the radiator because they tended to run hot, so they put an

aluminum one in.

And what else did we do to it? Power brakes and then power steering.

Tied it through to have a sweet, I think it was a 55 Chevy that they made for

him on the show Rides.

It was incredible.

Oh, that Chip Foose car, right? Yeah, I think Chip Foose made it, yeah.

It was incredible, though.

I don't know if he still has it. He might have lost it when he got divorced

all that jazz.

No, I think he got it back. Did he? I think he got it back. But I like those.

Christopher Titus. I like those Restomod cars. It's sort of the perfect. There

it is. There it is. Look at that fucking thing. Yeah, it's pretty wild. That is

a work of art.

God, it's beautiful. It's all very modified, too. 56 Bel Air custom.

Go down, Jamie, into that one on the left hand right there with Titus right

there. I think that's him.

Yeah, look at that.

Fuck. I mean, that's a badass car.

Fuck.

That is incredible.

Yeah. That car is incredible. Like, when do you, like, look at that or drive

that and not smile?

Yeah. That's what I, I, I, I don't know. I, I like also, I, I'm into those cab

over engine fucking trucks. I like weird shit. What's a cab over engine? What is

that? Look those up. Those are, those were the truck, um.

40s and 50s, and the reason why they had that was there was some weird law where

they didn't want trucks to get too long.

So then that affected the... So they kept the tractor -trailer long, and then

they put the engine... Cab over engine is what it stands for. Oh, so the

engine's below you while you're sitting there. Yeah, so if you look at some of

the ones that people have fixed up, they're fucking wild. That is wild. Look

that thing. Yeah.

Wow.

But the thing is, if you do a gig in, like, Wyoming, you can find an all

-original one just, like, sitting in, like, junkyards and shit.

Look at that fucking thing. God damn, that's beautiful. Like, I always wish,

like, one of those car shows, like, Fast and Loud, the ones that I've watched

throughout the years, I always wish that somebody would do one of those.

I had that guy on the podcast. He was awesome.

Yeah. He brought his own tequila. Oh, there's another great one from when I

a kid. That yellow one down, that's a Ford.

Yep. I love those because that was, like, the fire engines looked like that

thing.

But it's like, what would you do with it? Drive around.

Take it to the store.

It's for sale. Gateway Classic cars. I know. But that's like the dumb shit. I

like those. You like those kind of. The GMC RV from Stripes. And you got to do

it in the Palm Desert fucking, the Ron Burgundy green.

You like very odd.

Yeah, well, at first I think you're into Mustangs and you're into fucking like

the GTOs and the ones you're supposed to like.

Yeah. And then I'll ignore what you just did there. We're done.

And then, I mean, look at that. You got to get the interior on that fucking

thing. It's a Scooby -Doo mobile.

That's the mystery mobile.

No, they had a van.

Okay, click on the one.

You're on the right, the lower left, all the way to lower left from the cluster

on the right.

Yeah. Is that it?

Click on that fucking thing. No, that's not it. Is that one there?

No.

Which one do you want?

It's the one. It's the best green one they have. Just click. There it is. Look

at that.

And inside, it looks like a Ron Burgundy suit. Like it's the green plaid type

shit.

Get a little humidor in there. Drive around. Do some fun. Look at that. I

look at that. Come on, man. That's the fucking shit.

So you like those old cars, like GTOs and Firebirds. I like all of those, but

what I don't like about them is the baby boomers like them, and they have a

zillion dollars. So then all of a sudden it's like, you know, this is a Mustang

Shelby. I'm going to start the business at $250 ,000.

It's like, oh, fuck yourself.

So I like...

You know, I like a 65 Ford Galaxy. That's what Frank Murphy, season four,

episode family, that's what he drives.

I like station wagons. Have you ever seen those Icon Thriftmasters? Do you

what that is?

Jonathan Ward, the guy from Icon, he takes an old Thriftmaster and redoes it

completely from the bottom up. It's the fucking most incredible car. It drives

like a car, but look at that. It looks insane.

Look at that thing.

And they do it from the bottom up. So it's all like modern brakes, modern

suspension, beautiful interior. That's what I love. But then when you go

I want it to look like the year that that truck was. Look at that silver one.

The one right above your cursor. Yeah, look at that.

Fucking A.

Actually, I looked at one. I accidentally came upon that one. God,

beautiful. I got another one. It's a weird one. Look up GMC. I always forget

name of these things.

Parade of Progress.

That's what it's called?

They would drive these things like elephants into town. They were like a

room, giant like truck slash RV thing.

What the fuck are these things called?

There you go.

That thing? Look at that fucking thing.

What the fuck? How do you even know about this?

So the great thing is you open the door and there's like a spiral staircase

where you...

You go up, and in there, what they usually had was back in the day, because

would open it up on the side. They would drive them in like elephants and make

like a semicircle, and people would walk in.

What is that?

I don't know what they have in there.

Yeah, that's an airplane engine or something. Why is there an airplane

the middle of that? I don't know, because somebody... Oh, they customized

Power for the air rage. I think it was this weird sort of after World War II.

See, there they are in the black and white. There they are, like, driving

into town.

How? And look at the steering wheel. You were right in the center, and there was

like a little spiral staircase that you walked up.

God. Because those things go for like, I forget how much, like two, three

million bucks or something.

Oh, that's 1936. It says Parade of Progress, so it shows you what I know.

at that motherfucker.

Yeah, that's just weird. Holy shit.

That's what you want. One of those, a rolling podcast studio.

No, that shit is too weird, but I appreciate it.

Like, well, you know that old BMW where...

The whole front of the car opens up and you got the steering wheel like goes

out, like disconnects and goes out with the front. I haven't seen that one.

All right. It would help if I knew the names of the cars.

The steering wheel disconnects? Mm -hmm.

BMW.

I didn't know Steve Urkel had it in Family Matters. That's all I know about

That's it? Yeah.

Look at this.

So how you get in is you like open the front.

Oh, yeah. Click on the red one. There it is. Yeah.

Whoa. Then there's the steering wheel.

Oh, does it disconnect?

There's something weird. No, it seems like the steering wheel stays put, but

looks like it disconnects.

Well, maybe, like, it adjusts and comes back. You enter through the front. So if

you get in a front -end collision, you've got to kick the windows out to

of the car.

Yeah, and it's three -wheel, too.

There's one wheel. Look at Urkel.

Urkel. I forgot about Urkel.

Well, his came off in the car. I met him one time. He's, like, the coolest

fucking guy ever. I heard he's really nice.

I guess it bends over there to see how it's turned.

Down to the side. Oh, it bends, and then you step over it. Whoa.

Yeah, I knew there was something.

There was something about the steering wheel. Yeah, there's a lot of weird shit

out there. But you like weird stuff.

You're not necessarily, like, you have an aversion to cool things.

No, it's like if you get into music, if you really get into a band.

Like, if you're into ACDC, can you really listen to You Shook Me All Night

again?

Okay. You're like, no, dude, you got to listen to what's next to the moon. Get

it hot. Some of them, you know, or like, uh, COD.

Like, I like after a while, you're just like, all right. You know, like I would

say shook me all night long is the Mustang GT of ACDC songs.

And it's just like, if you're out here, there's a zillion Mustangs, but it's

like you, after a while you want, you want to see, you know, part of human

beings. You want something a little bit different. It's a little different. It's

cooler. Like I kind of learned from fast and loud that the, um, Was it the Ford

Falcon or something? It had the same chassis as the fucking Mustang.

But like it's just a way cooler car because everybody goes for like the

You want to spend all that money and then some other fucking asshole shows up

and he has one too?

That doesn't bother me.

Bugs me.

It's like when you're in a comedy club and then even if somebody just touches

the topic, you're like, I can't talk about that. Yeah.

I get that. Because then it becomes like, oh, they all do that. I get that.

there's a reason why everybody loves Mustangs.

I love them too. But I have this weird thing where I love the interior up to

but I like the back end on 60.

67, 68. Yeah, I like that back end. But that's when they got the steering wheel.

Like the steering wheel and like.

In the 60s, it looks like an old -school steering wheel. And that one that they

have in 67 or 68 was when they first came out with that one. That one starts

look like, oh, cars are going to get ugly now quickly.

The last muscle car that I like that I vividly remember like the last year

probably be the 70 Camaro with like that shark nose front, too. Oh, yeah.

I like that. And then there's a few.

There's a Buick Riviera, the Boattail from the early 70s that I like.

I'm really into those big two -door sedan sort of like, you know, he's his

man kind of car.

Oh, yeah. I love those cars. I fucking love those cars. And, you know, I'm

trying to think. Like, there's a few cars in the 80s that really tapers off,

though. But I like Ford trucks right up into 86.

I didn't like when they did that first design of the aerodynamic headlights. I

didn't like. But then there was one in the early 90s.

The one OJ had, that front end on his Bronco, that one is the shit.

Yeah, I saw one yesterday.

Exactly like OJ's.

Totally restored.

I like muscle cars up into 71.

71 seems like the last year.

71 Barracuda is still a really nice car.

Then it gets into 72, they start looking sketchy. 73, they look sketchy.

The worst thing was they kept the model name and then it was just completely de

-balled. Yeah.

Like when your friend starts going out with just some total cunt and all of a

sudden he can't hang out anymore.

Like there was that era.

You know, the Mustang II Cobra. Oh, yeah. Once they got into the 80s with

Mustangs, they were useless.

Late 70s, early 80s. Once the gas crisis hit, they started making economical

Mustangs, Mustangs that didn't eat so much gas. They were useless.

It's a hard fall.

If you go from 67.

to 77 it's like what the fuck happened to you then also the mustang got all fat

like the mach one and everything it just it was like kind of got into its elvis

years you know hey i'm the mustang i'm resting on my laurels here well there's

no pizzazz to them you know like late late 70s 79 mustang there's no pizzazz

this is how bad it went it became so quickly if you watch like the remember

had a game show network i used to love that because i i was in fascinated with

prices

You know, and like they would be like like they actually tried to pass off a

Chevy Vega as a sports car. And these people were losing their minds. And I

remember the Chevy Vega, like a lot of like, you know, guys who knew shit about

cars back in the day, they would try to like jam Corvette engines into because

they couldn't afford a Corvette. So they but they knew about, you know, how to

build cars and stuff. So they were real light, too.

Yeah, there was always somebody had one of those like an El Camino up on block.

Yeah, I'm going to finish that someday, man.

Yeah, and El Camino is a rare breed of person that wants a pickup truck that's

fucked a Chevelle.

That's really what it is.

It's like a Chevelle front end. It looks good in the front, and then you get to

the back, like, oh.

And then the early, the 80s. Look at that. Look at that Vega. Yeah, that was

considered sporty.

That was back before girls had butts.

Well, girls with butts didn't get put on TV.

Isn't that funny?

Yeah. That's another amazing thing. What happened when we realized? Was it Sir

Mix -a -Lot?

What woke us up? Yeah. He made the ass mainstream.

I'm going to give him credit.

Might have been.

Before that, who else was it?

It was all about tits. Yeah.

White guys were running shit, and it was about tits.

I don't know why. It was all about titties.

Something happened.

Something happened, and it became, asses became.

really important but then i think like yeah because now the fake ass i think is

probably more prevalent than the fake tit like remember by the 90s was like

of the apex of the fake titty you'd watch porn and the tit almost looked

bloodshot there'd be like veins on the side like they'd stretch the skin you

oh yeah that was really bad that was a really bad fat bottom girls before that

Yeah. I don't think.

I don't think. Yeah, they didn't. He was still Freddie Mercury printing around

in the video, I think. Yeah.

Good song, though.

Yeah. What was it?

Like, who was, like, it wasn't Jennifer Lopez.

Well, God bless him. God bless him.

Because I was always an ass man.

Always. I just felt like that was the nucleus of a woman. If she had a nice

the rest of her body was going to be nice. I didn't give a shit. He got a cup

tasty drink.

They won't be hanging on your fucking knees when I'm 50, bald, smoking a

doing a podcast.

It's weird, though, that the shape caught on.

It's very strange what guys are attracted to changed.

Well, I think because white people were so dominant with fucking owning

everything that their idea of beauty became.

The standard and just generally speaking. Right, but white guys' idea of

changed too. That's what's strange.

I would say it's somewhere Yo MTV raps.

Somewhere around there.

I'm just making up shit. Somewhere around there. I'm going to give Ed Lover

the other Dr.

Dre credit.

I think it happened around the same time girls lost their pubes.

Because when we were in high school.

Everyone had pubes. Even in college, everyone had pubes. The apex of pubes

the 70s.

Yeah, but in the 80s they had it too. But you were proud of your pubes. In the

70s? In the 70s. Yeah?

Dude, I remember like you'd go to the fucking public pool and the chicks had

like the, it was like shit coming out the side.

I remember thinking when I was a little kid, like, oh my God, you can see your

pubes.

Yeah, pubes were hot.

Now pubes are disgusting. There was muffs.

Yeah, if you're a girl and you got a full bush now, you're a dangerous woman.

But then I would say that that was probably Dr.

J and the ABA crossing over made women proud of their muffs.

What?

There's no research. We just started talking.

Just making this up.

There is a clear shift that happened. It's just like what happened? What made

that clear shift? Porn caused the people to get rid of the pubes.

That definitely would happen because porn led the way. They trimmed the pubes

first and then everybody trimmed the pubes. Then it went too far.

Yeah, now no one has pubes. No, then it went too far, yeah. Too far. You're like

a little bush.

Yeah, I would like – yeah, you should look like a woman. Yeah, yeah.

Not like a cancer patient.

Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, if you're banging me, I'm just happy.

Happy you showed up. God bless you. Take it on for the team. You can find beauty

in everything.

But when I was a kid, I mean, everyone had pubes.

It was a thing.

That's a weird moment in our culture that we all just thought pubes are

disgusting.

I think more that they need to be maintained.

Yes. If there's going to be a camera an eighth of an inch from it.

And then.

Gynecological.

Yeah.

So. So what's this movie you did?

I did this movie. It's called The King of Staten Island.

Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson.

Look at your mustache.

Hell yeah. Oh, you need one of those in your life. Why don't you grow one of

those?

Keep it.

It was really annoying to eat with because Club Soda Kenny told me –

was the guy I was saying, am I doing this right here? Because there's a whole

way to grow it where it's like he goes, all right. He goes, if you're going to

do the cop fireman one, he goes, the hair has to go over your top lip.

And Kenny had all these great old IDs from when he was a cop.

What is this movie about?

It's –

Sort of autobiographical of Pete Davidson's life where he's playing a kid

dad is a firefighter who died in a fire. It's not 9 -11 like Pete's real dad.

And it's basically his mom hasn't dated.

They just sort of froze, which I think is something that kind of happened in

family. And then all of a sudden his mother started dating and it was weird

him. So basically his mother.

You know, through whatever circumstances I want to ruin it, I end up meeting her

after me and Pete, you know, his character. I don't like it. And I'm

his house to fucking yell or whatever. And then I see his mom played by Marissa

Tomei. And then all of a sudden, you know, you know, we click or whatever. We

start dating, whatever. And then he fucking hates it. And the comedy ensues.

But, you know, it's got a lot of heart. You know, it's not 100 percent comedy.

But.

Yeah, Marissa Tomei, Dom Lombardozzi, Steve Buscemi. No, it's streaming

everywhere except Netflix. It's going to be like – it's like that movie, that

kid movie, Trolls. Whatever they did is what – Universal is doing with this one,

where it's going to be anywhere where you can stream movies and stuff. So it

supposed to be in the movie theater.

It was going to be in the movie theater, and then all of this stuff happened.

So then people who make movies are deciding, are we going to hold on to

this stuff, which they're doing with some movies.

This thing, fortunately, they're going to put out. There it is. Apple TV,

Verizon, YouTube, Google Play, Amazon Prime.

Basically, why wouldn't Netflix hop on board with this? Come on, Netflix.

I don't think it's a come on Netflix thing. I think eventually it'll probably

end up there. But I think first they do this. This is the way they're going to

get their box office, I guess. You get it on Microsoft. How many people are

buying movies on Microsoft?

You'd be surprised.

I would be. That's why I'm asking.

There would be. I would think.

That's such an easy answer.

You'd be surprised.

That was like a political answer. I had no answer for you. Let the record show.

Many people are buying it on Microsoft.

Yeah. Do you think this is a good thing that movies are being forced to stream?

I kind of like it.

I mean, I don't want movie theaters to go under, but I do like the option of

being able to watch a newly released movie at home.

Yeah, I think everything's going to adapt, but I don't think the movie

is ever going to go away because I still enjoy going to the movies. It's a way

to get out of the house. You get a sitter.

You reconnect with your wife. That's right. We're friends.

Popcorn. This is fun. All of a sudden, your jokes come back. Right. You're

having fun.

Anytime I hang with my wife, if we get a couple days away, it's the magic.

Instant. Instant comes back. And then when we get back to the house, it's like

the grind again. We just start laughing.

We got to remember. We got to remember those two days. So the key is to have

those two -day little things enough that you don't forget it so you don't start

fucking growing apart.

Do you guys do date nights?

Yeah. Yeah. I had date nights with my wife and we were doing them when I was

the store all the time when comedy was up. I was doing them on Saturday night

because she didn't have to get up early in the morning for the kids, take the

kids to school because she could be rested and refreshed.

Didn't have to go to school the next day. So didn't have to get up on Sunday.

So it was a good day. So I just would take Sunday off and stand up. Yeah. We

date nights. And this is the thing. As much as women seem impossible to guys,

especially someone like me with all my fucking issues, It's like just something

like that does wonders for your connection.

And then we also had like once a week we were doing like before we got pregnant

again, we were doing a family dinner.

And that was the best. And what we were going to was a bunch of like just mom

and pop places in like the valley and out in Pasadena and stuff like that.

places that are just, you know.

legendary in you know in that area but they don't have a chain so it's cool

because you feel like you're giving you know regular people money and business

and we would go there and when like that was a big thing when i was growing up

before you had all these screens and all of this shit going out to dinner with

your family yeah i remember being excited they used to have this chain and

Remember Pewter Pot?

Yeah. They basically, they made muffins. Somehow they were a chain that made

muffins and then they expanded into having full dinners. And everything was

out of wood. It was very like 70s. And that was like a big thing.

My dad came, we're going to Pewter Pot tonight.

And you were like, psyched.

And I would always get whatever, like cheeseburger and fries and then a

blueberry muffin.

Such a weird order. But I was a kid and you wouldn't get fat. It was fucking

awesome. So I want my kids to...

have a little bit of that sort of, I don't know, I'm probably romancing it,

I think it's...

Because it was for my childhood. But I think it's an important thing to do shit

like that. Yeah, I'm a big fan of mom and pop restaurants. There's a place we

used to go to in Woodland Hills called Brandywine.

And the owner, Peggy and Chris, the owners, the female owner was the

chef and the male owner was the maitre d'. And they were a married couple.

They'd been together forever.

And when we met them, they were probably, I want to say.

In their 70s, like pretty deep in their 70s. They were already fairly along.

Pretty far down the road there. And then they eventually sold the place.

They sold the place. It was sad.

And then some new people bought it, but I think it went under now.

But it was a great little place, a small place. It didn't seat very many people.

Do you know how I get over that sadness?

I get over it because that shit really used to depress me.

What I look at was like, you know, when they opened this restaurant and they

were young, there was old people that were upset about whatever they cleared

out. And it just happens, you know what I mean?

Well, I was just upset that I couldn't see them.

You know, I just enjoyed their company. It was always, you know, we had been

going there for 10 years. It was one of those places. Well, what I do is I take

the humanity out of it, Joe.

A cycle of life. Yeah. It's just like the praying mantis and the lizard. I

dude. I tell you, this fucking, this fucking, this whole quarantine

thing really, like.

I never realized what a fucking idiot I am. Jesus Christ. Yeah, you're telling

me this.

Everything I'm doing, why the fuck did I just do this? Why did this need to

fucking be on here? You wanted to. Why, Joe? No big deal.

You're a clean freak or something.

Look at me. I'm cutting up his ashes like it's coke.

That takes me back to Chelsea, going around the apex.

I have a cocaine memory from, I never did coke, but of this lady doing it. I

coming home from Kelly's Roast Beef. Joe Rogan on coke. Wow. That's what I'm

saying. I'm smart enough to realize it's not for me. Well, what about me? Yeah.

I can snap on weed.

I don't need to be doing coke.

We eat an espresso and you're ready to fight.

We were driving back from Kelly's Roast Beef. Do you remember Kelly's Roast Beef

from Revere? Yeah. Great. You know what's so funny? I don't think I ever

there. Really? I drove by it a million times. I was going by Cappy's Liquors on

the way up to the Kowloon. Kelly's Roast Beef was great.

Remember Cappy's Liquors? Yeah, I do. Yeah, near the Kowloon. Yeah, you drive

there.

Kelly's Roast Beef had clams, too. Didn't they have clams? Those fried

That was one of those places I meant to get to. I always meant to get to that

and then that steakhouse with the giant cactus.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm going to eat.

What the fuck was that place called? Hilltop. Yes.

And I was going to eat there someday.

I always ask my, I just love the cows, the fake cows out front.

And we were living on the North Shore then. So we would drive my dad into work

and we would always go down Route 1 and we would go by that. And I would think

like, you know, and there was also a hockey rink up there that had a Bruins

emblem that they were allowed to use before like all the.

The corporate people were like, you can't use our logo. So that Bruins

and I was convinced that's where the Bruins practiced.

I went to Hilltop Steakhouse once, and it was, for some reason, I have it

connected in my mind with a boxing match that was on TV because I was so bummed

out.

Sugar Ray Leonard fought Terry Norris.

I know that name, I should say. Terry Norris was a monster.

So was Sugar Ray when he was in his prime. But he got older and he fought

Norris. And Terry Norris was a fucking, just a demon. He was so good. And Sugar

Ray just had no business fighting him. And I remember eating food, just being

bummed out. Just thinking, fuck, is this just what happens to all these guys?

Like, they all decide.

They all decide, one more fight, one more fight. Let me do it. And he came

and beat a few. See if you can find that. Can you imagine if your body broke

down in round 35? You couldn't do stand -up anymore? You'd definitely try to go

for one more set. Yeah, but it's different.

It's different. It is. I thought it was the same. You're right.

It's different. Terry North was in his prime, and he was just so fast and

And Sugar Ray was just... I want to say he was like 38 or something like that. I

don't know how old he was, but it was hard to watch.

Yeah, but that's not something when I think of Sugar Ray Leonard I don't

I mean, what about that division he was in? Oh, my God.

Hagler, Hearns, Duran, and Leonard.

Well,

he fought Hagler long.

I mean, he came back and fought Hagler, and then Hagler retired after that one

loss. He's just like, I'm good.

But it was just watching Terry Norris. Yeah, he went to Italy and started

movies. Yeah, hilarious movies. I got a buddy of mine that is convinced that

fight was fixed by the Italian mob, and then his payoff was they gave him a

movie career in Italy. It might be true.

Your buddy might be right. There's something about it that I've watched.

like, man, it almost looks like Hager's taking something off of his punches.

I just don't see him doing that. I don't see him ever doing that. But I also

didn't see him retiring like that. I think he might have gotten fucked.

on a decision on that fight. Because that fight, I really felt, could have

I was such a Hearns, I'm a Hagler fan.

And I also, what about Tommy Hearns? Being as tall as he was, but could make

that weight.

When he fought Sugar Ray, I think he was only 22.

And he was 147.

Sugar Ray stopped him after Angelo Dundee gave him that speech in the

You're blowing it, kid.

Remember that? I'll never forget that.

You know the one that I remember? One of the greatest.

Ones I saw a corner guy was that Corrales Castillo fight. Oh.

And when he gets in the corner and he'd been knocked down for like, I don't know

how many times, kept spitting out his mouthpiece and they took away a point or

something. He goes into his corner and I remember his manager or whatever he

called the guy is in the corner. He goes, you better fucking get inside now.

I don't even know what that means.

I forget he said that. And then this fucking guy, Charlie Murphy, rest his

told me about that fight.

He's like, Bill, you got to see this fight. He goes, I woke up my whole

It was a wild ass fight. And he actually, Charlie, he was such a funny

He hurt his foot.

That's how much he was into it. Like when he came back after getting knocked

down and then knocked out the other guy. I always forget Corrales Castillo.

Corrales is the guy who won that fight, right?

Well, they fought more than once, I believe.

Diego Corrales.

Yeah, he's the guy. And he died on a motorcycle, I think, right? That's what

was going to say, yeah.

Terrible. I'll tell you an underrated fight.

This is back when I had time. I used to watch this shit.

It was Evander Holyfield versus Michael Doakes.

Oh, yeah. Do you remember that fight? I remember that. That was a great one.

That was a great fight.

Holyfield had so many great fights.

That guy was a warrior. Is.

Yeah. He's coming back.

Do you know that?

I don't want to see that. He's training.

Mike Tyson's training. They're both training.

In their 50s.

Yeah, here it is.

Michael Doakes.

Yeah. I mean, it's just amazing how much longevity Holyfield had.

And Holyfield started as a cruiserweight. I remember when he beat

Muhammad Kawi for the cruiserweight title and then gained all this weight to

up. I remember when he was a cruiserweight in the 80s when I was

was young and all that shit. I was like, that's...

That's the body I want. That's what I'm going for. Of course, I couldn't get it,

but I was like, that's the shape I want to be in. How stupid would I look if I

fucking looked like that? Oh, you look amazing. Going on stage, telling jokes.

Just wear something that covers it up a little bit.

What, a poncho?

Going out with a big square body. Outlawed Josie Wales.

Yeah. Outlawed Josie Wales poncho.

Yeah, you flip it over and you got a mic and you take it out.

Yeah,

oh my God, this is round 10. Look at the people standing up. I mean, this shit

was just... Oh, man.

Now watch those.

Oh, right hand, that's it.

They stop it. That was it.

Richard Steele was the same guy that stopped Julio Cesar Chavez and Meldrick

Taylor with like two seconds left to go in the final round.

When Meldrick Taylor was up on the fight and Julio Cesar Chavez dropped him,

Meldrick Taylor got up and Richard Steele was like, are you ready to go on?

Dude, he has more muscle in his trapeze, whatever the fuck that's called, than

traps I have in my whole fucking body.

He was a specimen.

Holyfield was a specimen.

What's interesting about Holyfield, too, he was like the first guy that ever

really put weight on successfully.

Like he had this crazy strength and conditioning program that he did to go

heavyweight where, you know, he was fairly thin when he was a cruiserweight

started lifting weights. And lifting weights back then, most people thought

lifting weights was terrible for you.

There was a lot. That was a big thing in basketball. Don't lift weights. It's

going to fuck up your shot. They thought you were going to like. Send the ball

past the rim. Well, you know what it is? It's from being stiff and sore.

When you're stiff and sore, it does fuck you up.

It fucks you up with boxing. It fucks you up with everything. But it's a

of doing it correctly so that your body recovers enough so that when you

actually fight, you're not stiff and sore, but you have all that extra

This is great, by the way. Cars, fights, cigars. Cigars. Men stuff. Come on.

Yeah. I love it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, that era of boxing, man, those were the golden era when we were kids.

My God, you know, ABC, Wide World of Sports, get up and watch the fights.

Yeah, I remember watching the Leon Spinks, Muhammad Ali. They showed it on

It must have been a replay.

I remember watching that and just kept thinking Muhammad Ali was going to come

back. It was the one that he lost against Leon Spinks.

I also remember the Mike Tyson.

uh michael spinks fight and i remember the pizza didn't even get there and i

remember my buddy was all excited dude my dad ordered the fight and they had

just finished their basement and we went downstairs and we were sitting there to

watch it it was over in like 90 seconds yeah and i just remember my buddy got

off the couch and he was on all fours like an inch from the tv just screaming

what the fuck what the fuck because we didn't understand there wasn't the

education mainstream education of what a body blow did to you. So unless

somebody got hit in the head and their mouthpiece went flying, we didn't

understand because that last shot was a hook to the body. And you didn't

understand, like, literally their internal organs just slammed to the

of their rib cage. You didn't understand that that was happening. Here it is.

Here's the whole fight.

Yeah, this was an amazing, amazing moment because Spinks was another guy

went up from light heavyweight, beat Larry Holmes.

and then became the heavyweight champion and then was fighting Tyson. Yeah, we

were yelling at Spinks' jinx because we were rooting for Tyson, but we wanted to

see a fight.

Spinks had a good right hand, but you could see he's paralyzed here.

I mean, he's fighting a guy that's so much bigger than him, and he's getting

smashed. Mike Tyson was just such a force of nature at the time.

Spinks just really had no business fighting legitimate heavyweights. He

Larry Holmes, and Larry was past his prime.

And, you know, he beat Larry by decision.

Oh, I thought he beat him bad. No. Oh, no, you know what I'm thinking of was

time Holmes fought Ali.

Yeah, that was bad. And he was looking over at the ref like, what the fuck, are

you going to stop this? That was bad.

People to the end of Larry Holmes' career didn't appreciate him because of

They loved Ali so much. So you heard him with his right hand here, and then he's

swarming on him.

I remember seeing this video of Muhammad Ali promoting.

Here it is right here.

Boom, body shot. He goes down.

Spinks gets up.

Referee gives him an eight count.

He says, I'm fine.

Oh, I thought he went down on that one. No, that was a body shot. And then he

gets hit with a right hand right here. Tighten step.

Bing. There it is. Oh, that was, oh, gee. I forgot about that.

Yeah.

He's just like, fuck this, man.

Fuck this. His body's like, fuck this.

Dude, do you realize the fucking balls it takes to fucking walk?

Oh, you did it. Jesus Christ.

I mean, those guys, you walk into an arena shirtless. It's scary.

That's fucking amazing.

What's really scary is it's like you think about it for weeks and weeks up to

it. And obviously, I never did it at this level. But at that level, when the

whole world is watching and you know that this is just an enormous moment and

you just got waylaid by one of the greatest heavyweights of all time and

flattened.

That was a crazy knockout. You know, I was watching.

He was so fun to watch because he annoyed so many people because he was so

cocky. And he had such a weird style as that Prince.

Oh, my God. That guy's fun to watch. Oh, he was amazing.

You know, Tyson had syphilis or something like that in that fight. No,

Buster Douglas.

Did he? Yeah, he had like a clap or something.

I think it was this fight. I think it was the fight he won.

Yeah. When he fought Buster Douglas, he just didn't train very hard for it. Just

really was just dominating everybody and just.

Took it for granted and still almost won.

Still dropped Buster. And to this day, like if you watch that fight when

Buster's down, it's more than 10 seconds.

Yeah, but the thing was he didn't go to the corner fast enough, I thought.

And he picked up the count. I thought he would have got up. I don't know.

I remember where I was when I watched that. I remember all of that shit. I was

at my buddy Mitch's house.

We were upstairs on his fucking square TV.

And I was like.

You know, because you cheer for the underdog. And he was all bummed out

want to see Mike lose. And I was just like, I didn't realize what I had lost

a sports fan because you're losing greatness.

Not that he's not great, but you know what I mean? You wanted to see that

undefeated keep going thing. And then afterwards, you know, it's a weird

But the Buster Douglas in that fight, do you know the whole story behind it? His

mom died. Yeah. And he was devastated.

And so he was always a really, really talented guy that just didn't work hard

enough. But that fight, he trained like a motherfucker. He trained like a real

champion. Probably because he didn't want to think about it. He probably just

focused on.

Well, that maybe also he was like doing it. He was dedicating it to his mom.

Once again, the human element that I just removed.

I'm a robot.

I am.

I am.

Is this what you're finding out from the pandemic, being locked up and having

too much alone time?

Yeah, I understand. I understand my anger now. I don't know how to fix it,

understand. What is it? What is your anger?

It's feeling like I'm not going to be heard and things are going to go in a

I don't want them to be. So the second there's a suggestion different than

I catastrophize in my head and I don't just go be like, well, you know what?

Actually, I can't do that because I'm doing Joe's podcast.

Maybe I could do that tomorrow.

I just hear the information and feel like I have no power. And then I go, oh,

what the fuck?

And then my wife's like, I just asked a question.

And then I am so fucking up here.

I have to like, it takes, it only takes me like two minutes.

And then I come in, I put my head to the side of her head and I just go, I'm

sorry.

I don't want to tell you, you married a fuck up.

You blew it.

You're not good at reading people.

You have no one to blame but yourself. I apologize like an asshole.

There's another thing, too. I also, in this, have never loved my wife more.

You know, gave me a son, and it's just like, it's one of those things where...

That's a beautiful thing about the pandemic.

You really sit there going like, I am way, way more of a fucking asshole than

thought I was. I knew I was, but I didn't think I was that bad.

So you realize you've got issues, but you don't know how to solve them. That's

what it is?

I realized that I had issues that I thought I was past.

That's what fucked me up. But you feel like, all right, so I've taken care of

that. Now I can focus on this. And it's like, no, no, this is still in this

pile. You thought it was six feet high, it's 12 feet high, and it was, yeah,

it was demoralizing.

Don't you think knowing is part of the way to fix it, though?

Yeah, but then you have to go through the torture of it.

Because it's not like, you know, like the Dr. Phil episode. You need to

understand, you fucking yellow people, whatever the fuck. And you go, oh, okay,

thanks, Phil.

And, like, you're just going to go do that.

It's like then you have to do the fucking work and it's so easy to just go

into your – it's a deep groove worn into your personality and you're trying to

get out of the rut and it's just easy to go back into it and just be on

autopilot.

That's why people like psychedelics. That's why people like psychedelics

it separates you so much from who you are. You get a chance to look at

It's one of the things that comes out of it. I should have done that when I was

younger. Can't do it now?

Like right now?

On this podcast?

I don't think that would be very professional.

I'm supposed to be promoting one of these feature films. We've already done

We've promoted it. It looks great. I'm excited.

I'm excited to see you at a mustache.

Oh, so you're saying I'm done and then I can now do this?

You can do a little drugs.

It's a little mushrooms.

It'll be good for you. Listen, Joe, I know you're an influencer, but you ain't

going to win on this one.

Influencer?

That's a dirty word to me. I will be...

The kids get out of the house, and they're fucking great people. Hopefully,

did the job, then... Then?

So when they're 18?

Okay, we'll go.

When they're 18, I'm going to take you somewhere.

All right, when I'm 70 and you're 71. Yeah, we'll get blasted together on

mushrooms. Yeah, I'll finally get that Cadillac. We'll go to the Pacific

Northwest, which will be burnt to the ground. Once the looters take over those

six blocks, they're eventually going to expand to 12. There'll be no more

Seattle.

The trees will regrow. I love Seattle. Don't say that.

You ever play the Moore Theater? Love it there. It's great.

I love Seattle. I love Seattle.

I'm a big fan. I used to love that Bellevue place.

The pool hall that was a pool hall connected to a comedy club. Remember

Did you ever do that place?

I never did that one. Went under. Went under real recently. It was fucking

great. Trying to remember the name of the place.

But it was in Bellevue.

And I first went there with Callan. Callan was the one who told me about it.

was like, this is my dream.

A pool hall connected to a comedy club. This is the greatest thing I've ever

heard of. I love that guy. He is one of the fastest minds.

That's unbelievable how fucking funny that guy is. Very funny dude.

There it is. The parlor. Yeah.

Permanently closed.

Talented guy too. I saw him one time with a bow and arrow.

Just talking all of this shit, and somebody hit a bullseye, and then he did

next one, and he split his fucking arrow. Talking shit the whole fucking

Brian Callen? Yes. Where'd you do this?

At this guy's house that had one of those things.

Dead luck.

Brian Callen's a terrible archer. He doesn't know jack shit about archery.

listen. I know what I saw.

Were you dreaming?

No, I saw this.

He talked shit the whole time, and he did it.

It was fucking great. It was like I was watching a movie.

I bought him a bow.

Listen, I got to tell you something. I think you need to move him a little bit

higher up in your brain. He's one of my best friends.

That's how you talk about a friend. I love him.

I bought him a bow. I bought him a Hoyt Carbon Spider.

Really nice bow.

Never used it once.

He goes, I got to use that bow. I got to use that bow one day. I'm like, get a

fucking target.

He's probably standing on the string doing curls knowing him.

Maybe. He boxes.

I used to go to the boxing gym. I used to mix it up.

He goes in there and spars. I'm like, Brian.

You're going to get brain damage.

You're 53 years old. You can't be getting punched in the face.

Yeah, but he's like a Jason Statham, 53.

Because you have to know that, dude. Now that we're these old fucks, okay, we're

hanging in there. Because you see people, I see at this point, I remember

when I first felt old.

It was when I would meet people after shows and I'd be like, oh, this guy's

at least five years on me. And I'd find out they were five years younger than

me. Like I'd be like 33. I'd be like, you're fucking 28. And he was like a

28, married, three kids.

And I saw what that looked like, you know.

You know this fucking business. This business, you get shit on. Like I love

harassing to a point on.

on social media harassing the yo hey uh you know hey billy boo face hey billy

fat tits and all that shit like that motivates me like i look you gotta

look at yourself like they're right yeah they're hanging a little bit i need i

need to do some push -ups they will fucking bully you into getting and it's

how you process the information no yeah there's nothing to that yeah look

you're talking about fat shaming I'm telling you that if I wasn't in this

business, I would be a fat fuck.

I'd get those blonde Oreo cookies, root beer floats.

I would be fucking hammering that shit.

So being in the business keeps you in here? Yeah, because then on Twitter I

would just have the fucking, the pussy picture, just the egg one.

You know, where nobody knows who you are and I could be a fat fuck being like,

you know, just giving people shit. You got a little fatter since the last

I would have a blast doing that.

How's your shoulder?

It's great.

Is it better? Because I've been – I finally – there was another thing.

Like the shoulder thing also caused me that I had to slow down.

And like the patience you need to rehab it, like you're sitting there with like

– at first it's just the weight of your arm doing the crawls up the wall.

Then you lay on your side. Then it's just the weight of your arm.

And then a tuna can.

Then I went into a can of clams.

And now I'm up to the pink weight.

The one pounder.

And then this is the big, this is the big tipping point. When you go from one

pound to two pound, as ridiculous as that sound, you're increasing the weight

load by a hundred percent.

And that's when you get hurt.

Cause you want to get like, I used to be able to do like 15 pounds, you know, 20

pounds, 25.

Those, those, those sets you used to do. Yeah.

And now I, you know, when it's really hurting, I reach for some salt. I'm

ah, it resets it. So what I do is I just get slowly work my way up to three sets

of 20.

And then when I go to two pounds, when I do it, I'll just do three sets of

three. So I'm way beneath the weight load that I did. And then you gradually,

requires all of this patience that I don't fucking have. What is wrong with

This one I had a bursitis. This one I actually, I fucked up something else.

this one is totally fine now.

But I'm not using it as much because I'm not using this one. So I do the rehab

on both sides just to keep them.

I've been doing a lot of core work, a lot of back shit that I never did, which

is how my shoulder got fucked up. Cause I just did the 80s things, you know,

this did everything up here. Right. What I could see I worked on. So all back

here was like, we can't fucking hold this shit. So everything, my, my

bowed in and one was higher than the other. And then eventually it got

Yeah. Yeah. I do these fucking things. I know that's for this, but I didn't do

anything for the middle of my back or lower back. All of this. I don't know

the fuck I'm talking about. You ever use bands?

Yeah. Bands are a good way to not get hurt.

I'm a big fan. There's a product called Crossover Symmetry.

It's a series of different weight bands. I'll show it to you out here. I have it

attached to one of the...

bars, one of the cages, and these bands, they come in 15 pounds, 25 pounds, 40

pounds, a bunch of different weights. I take these things and I do a whole

series of exercises with my shoulders. It's great. It keeps everything strong

and you're not pushing it with weights.

Yeah, I'd like to look at that. I'm not going to do it, but once I get to a

certain level of strength.

But the thing is you can do it. It's not going to hurt you because you're not –

you're just doing it lightly like this. Oh, you got a lawsuit coming your way,

buddy.

Look, this is – oh, I just thought of something. I just forgot. Something that

learned about myself with that shit. That will come to me as far as like –

rehabilitation?

Yeah, but it also came into my personality, just something that I kind

this is what I learned about myself.

And why I didn't miss stand -up because it was freaking me out is because what I

experienced as a kid straight across the board made me go to this

mental place of like, I don't care.

Fuck it. I don't care. I don't need it. I don't give a shit. And that's what

caused everything to get walled off.

And that actually feeds into rehabbing injuries because it was a big

moment for me where I got this.

fucking console thing that I'm trying to put in my podcast studio.

And they're supposed to deliver it and bring it in there, right?

So the day they were going to deliver it, my wife went into labor.

So I went to the hospital and then they showed up and I didn't want them going

out in my garage. I got all my memorabilia and shit. I just didn't want

in there unless I was there. So I said, I just have them drop it off. I thought

it was going to be a box and it was already assembled and it was fucking

right? And it was also the weight load of it.

I was like, ah, fuck it. If I keep my arms in like this, it's mostly biceps.

I was going to do this stupid German -Irish.

Fuck it. And what it was going to do was going to set me back once again. Like I

had a big setback in February.

I had an acting gig.

And they said, hey, it was just a stupid little action thing. It was a wall.

Put your hands on it. Hop over. Can you do that? I'm like, yeah, my shoulder

feels pretty good. And the second I went like that, I felt like lightning go

down my shoulder. And I was like, ah, fuck.

Right back to the fucking tuna canning and all that shit. So I actually had a

friend come over. We were going to do it. I said, you know what, dude?

I owe you a fucking dinner or something. I'm not doing this.

And I called up this guy that I knew was a construction company. I go, you got a

couple of strong young guys that can just move this thing in there.

And I just had them do it.

And that's like something that I'm pushing through where it helps me as a

It also helps me deal with highly emotional shit because I can just shut

off and just do what I have to do.

Which works like back in the day when you're going to do Letterman, which was

fucking terrifying. It's freezing cold.

And you just have to be like, fuck this. It's just fucking people.

This is just a different shiny floor that's freaking me out, and there's an

sitting at that desk.

I had the tools to shut that off, which is great for that moment, but it's

terrible for the rest of your fucking life.

Like, there's shit that's, like, I just realized, there's shit in me that I

needed, that I have not dealt with.

Death of friends, all of that shit is just sitting in here, and I think that's

also, like, when...

People then go like, oh, can you do this? Oh, what the fuck? It's not all

that I'm not going to get what I want. A lot of that is like you got all of this

shit that you're sitting on.

So you're sitting on all that and you haven't addressed it. So then it's just

the only way for the steam to come out is like for you to snap or whatever. So

which is really not fair to the people around you, to be honest with you. So

I don't know. Have you gone to therapy?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. What about meditating?

You ever meditate?

Yeah, but I find the guy's voice is fucking annoying. You don't have to

to what God has to say.

Every time I'm getting there, he starts fucking talking again. And then he's

using this really soothing, caring voice that makes me

face all of that shit that I didn't get growing up, which makes me angry at this

person that's trying to help me.

Wow. Yeah.

Quarantine is not a bad thing.

For what it's worth, you're always fun to hang around with. I always enjoy your

company. I don't have any issues with any of your crazy behavior. Because I

a crushing need to be liked.

So I tone down my cuntiness when I'm around you.

Listen, my wife knows me. Hang out with her one time. She'll tell you some

fucking stories. I'm sure.

Yeah. Well, the you that I get, I like.

If that helps you.

Yeah. You know the deal. You don't know anybody until you live with them.

All right.

You know, I will not accept your compliment.

That's another part of my personality.

Who's the guy that's running the meditation app that's annoying you?

Do you know who's app you're using?

I don't want to put the guy on blast, but yeah, I do.

Okay. Let me know later. And he's great.

He's great at what he's doing. He's trying to help people. Yeah.

You could do it without an app.

Dude, I have a story. I can't say what I said nowadays.

I can't say what I said, but I remember I was playing pickup hockey, and I suck,

right? But I'm having a good time out there. I'm just, you know, I'm out there

trying to get a sweat going, right?

And, you know, I'm having my head down, and we're playing no contacting because

it was really my fault. I had my head down, and this guy fucking knocked me

on the other team.

And he goes, are you all right?

Yeah, what I said to that guy, I still fucking regret.

I was so mad at him that he was caring in that moment.

Oh, wow.

It was like, what is wrong with me?

Wow.

You're really trying to come to grips with all this shit right now.

Yeah, because I don't want to pass this shit on to my kids. That's what happens.

As they're growing up.

Yeah, when people are like, if people say my kids are not like me, like, I'm

like, good.

That's weird. But I do think that a lot. If they're like, oh, yeah, you know,

she's like, you know, happy -go -lucky. I'm like, great.

Like, I forget what somebody said one time about my daughter because she's

she's this angel, right? And they made some sort of, you know, comic, made the

comment, you know, thinking it was going to hurt me.

And I was like, yeah, dude, that's fucking music to my ears. I don't want

be like me.

Don't.

You think they were trying to hurt you when they said it?

No, it was one of those comic things where they don't have kids, and it was a

guy, and they don't know what to say.

So then they got to, like, make a fucking joke.

Like, I had a buddy of mine, a comedian, on my birthday.

He goes, hey, happy destroying your mother's uterus day.

And I just remember laughing going like, oh, there's a guy who has to do a

little more work than I have to.

I can say, I know, but I mean, I know what it is. It was a Boston comic and he

couldn't just say happy birthday because that would be gay.

So he has to go to so overcorrect that, has to go to that level. It's

so fucking stupid.

It's probably why guys die before women.

You hang on to shit and there's all that stuff, you know.

You can't say enjoy a sunset, Joe. You can't do that.

Why can't you?

Shut up. But I do. You know why. I know you do.

I know. But the thing about you is you can also beat the shit out of most

in a fucking room. So you got that. So people can be like, oh, wow.

You know, they actually want to hear that from you.

When they see you spinning heel kick, they want to know that you enjoy a

Because, like, I don't want to. If this guy's as angry as I am and can do all of

that shit, what are my odds of getting out of here? So you want to see that out

of a guy like you.

But a guy like you don't want to see it. Don't want to see you enjoying the

sunset. Joe, I don't read. I don't fucking read.

I don't know what it is.

I am too in here to understand me.

This is interesting, though. I have a very weird thing. I have an alley of my

personality that works that I somehow turned into a living.

Yeah. But the rest of it looks like Fred Sanford's yard.

Old radiators and bed frames and shit. It's a fucking mess. It's interesting

because I've never seen you this introspective where you're really trying

work it out. You're really thinking about it more than I've ever seen you

about it before.

You've always joked around about it, you know, in all the years I've known you.

It's always been a part of the things you talk about.

But it seems much more at the forefront of your consciousness right now. It's

something you really need to work on. You really realize, like, this is – I've

got to fix this.

Yeah, I think it started last year doing the movie. Oh, he brings back the

movie.

There was a bunch of shit that I had to play that I never had to play before.

You want me to be a loud fucking asshole?

I can do that.

But then all of a sudden, like I had a lot of anxiety about a lot of the stuff.

Like my character had two kids.

And like the first time I meet the kids, it's classic acting where it's just

like you just show up.

I remember I took this acting class.

This guy, Brendan Hughes, he was great. He was saying like, he was talking about

what it's like to go on a movie set. It's like how you have to have access to

all these emotions because you're showing up and it's just like, okay,

this guy and this is your dad and your mother just died and action. And it's

just like, what? Because that's the way it goes. It just goes real quick. So

yeah. So I have to play like this.

So I got two kids here.

So the first day I met them,

we had to do the family photo. They wanted to have one of those things in

background for a scene. So you have to, and I'm sitting there going like, ah,

fuck, you know, I gotta, I gotta act like I love these kids the way I love my

kids.

Like, and that's, was really confronting for me as far as how I'm wired. Well,

fuck you. I don't need anybody.

So, uh, I, I had like a fucking panic attack before, like, even that

thing, like just being like,

It's just that comic thing where you're just like, dude, I stand on stage. I do

sit jokes for a fucking hour. You give the check and then I fucking leave.

I smoke a cigar.

Just fucking leave me alone, right?

And this thing here, it's like, no, you're now on a schedule.

Somebody tells you where you have to be. So like, you know, I was like a cat on

a leash all of a sudden. Like, yeah, I have to be all these places. I was

freaking out about that. And then I had to do the picture with the kids. So what

I did was.

I just, I got myself into a really silly mood.

And I was deliberately, I was joking with all the other actors. I was making

of myself.

I was joking with anybody that had anything to do with the movie. I got

really silly, stupid mood. And I just, to get myself in that headspace. And

I met them. I started joking around about what I look like. And this is what

your dad looked like. And then they started laughing.

So when they took the picture, we were actually laughing about a joke I was

making about myself.

And then I looked at the pictures.

And they looked they looked real. They look like I love these kids.

So I got over that hurdle. So like throughout the shoot, you know,

shit yelling at Pete. It's like I can fucking do that all day.

But all that other stuff. And it's like, OK. And, you know, Jeb would be like,

OK. And then you meet Margie and you're smitten.

And it's like smitten.

You know, I've never had I've been smitten in life, but I've never, you

the comedian. I don't think you ever really go on stage.

And if you were to do something where you were smitten, you're making fun of

that emotion and the stupid things that you do. And it's like, no, we need you

to play this real.

Like you really have just.

And I'm like, oh, so I'm like into her. He goes, no, I'm your love struck like a

lightning bolt. And I'm just like.

And so, oh, geez, I don't know how to fucking do this. And, you know, fucking.

Oh, my God, I'm in my head. I'm in my head.

This person's won an Oscar.

I think I suck. You know, just going through all of that shit. So it took me

probably.

Two weeks on the film.

I was two weeks in. They had shot enough of my shit where I was like, all right,

they're not going to fire me.

I can kind of relax a little bit. And then after that, I had a great time. I

a fucking great time. Best time I've had on any acting gig. And I've had a lot

of fun throughout the year. So I think that's what sort of started it. And I

kind of like, you know, trying to communicate it to my wife.

And she doesn't know what I'm talking about. She's like, you're doing a movie.

This is fucking great. And she has access, you know, opposites attract.

So she has access to all of that shit.

She's actually, you know, a fucking way better actor than I am and stuff. So she

helps me out a lot.

So after those two weeks, I was able to chill. And then I had a great time.

And I got over a bunch of hurdles. And I was kind of like, oh, this is like

growing as a comic.

Where it's like, okay, I know how to do this as a comic.

What if I try to act something out? Oh, that's not my safe space.

Now I start feeling like an open mic -er again. They're not going to like me.

I'm not going to stop getting spots at the store.

Go home, live home with my parents. I start doing that shit. Yeah.

It's a whole show going on up here, Joe.

Did you watch it after it was done?

Yeah. I watched the initial cut of it, and then I saw the vinyl version of it

and everything.

Did you enjoy it?

It's one of those things, you know everything that was there and wasn't

especially with jokes.

There's always going to be stuff that you, oh, God, why did they cut there? I

wish they put this in. But as far as the movie itself, I loved it, how it worked

and the way they put it together. And the opening scene.

That's in the movie initially was in the middle of the movie and somebody, Judd,

I don't know who came up with the brilliant idea to put that scene first.

totally changed the tone of the movie.

And then that's when it like took off because I saw a real raw cut and it was

like, this is a bunch of funny shit.

And like everybody I've ever talked to edits a movie like when they watch their

first cut of the movie, they're like, oh, my God, I'm never going to I'm never

going to work in this business again. I just wasted my fucking, you know, I was

actually talking to one of the actors who would.

directed one of my favorite movies, Trees Lounge.

Steve Buscemi made that movie, and he told this fucking hilarious story about

the first cut that he watched of it. He just went home like a zombie,

going, oh my God, how am I going to make it? It's such a great movie by the time

he was done editing it, but his first look at it.

So that helped me out.

A guy as good as him.

having that type of thought i was just like oh geez i think that's it all the

time you know this guy's an icon if he thinks that then this is normal so like

all right i guess i'm kind of normal to think this shit so yeah so they i think

that started it and then i just kind of would have just been happy to get

through the movie and then that would have been it and then i had to be

quarantined oh we all got corn i'm like myself Typical self -involved me.

Everybody's quarantined. And then that just became me sitting around. And I was

like, I'm not watching TV because this is just going to fucking make me feel

like claustrophobic watching all this news and shit trying to be informed. So

kind of went away from that.

And then I was just in the house with me just sitting there and everybody was

asleep.

Fucking. Just thinking.

Thinking. But not in a bad way.

I don't think. I don't know.

Well, it doesn't seem like it's a bad way. It seems like you've isolated some

the things that you have a problem with that you need to work out.

I mean, that's one great leap on the way to figuring it out is knowing what

you're trying to work on. Some people go their whole life not understanding what

the fuck is wrong with them. I'm jealous of those people.

I grew up with a lot of those people.

Those people watch TV all the time. No, they are who they are, and they just

fucking do that.

There is something I have.

It's so fucked up.

There's people like when I look at people that just do whatever the fuck

want to do.

You know, like who doesn't want to just fucking eat a large cheese pizza and

then finish it off with a pint of ice cream?

Like those people that do that. I know they pay for it, but there is something

to be. I'm reading this book right now on Bobby Lane was a quarterback.

for the uh detroit lions and there's all these legends like his story is so

legendary you don't even know where the the the legend is and where the truth is

but like this guy art donovan used to tell a story about you know he was on

other team and he sacked him and you know he's getting up and bobby breathed

him he goes jesus christ man where the fuck did you go last night and bobby

allegedly said last night he goes i had a couple of pops at halftime You know,

these guys were fucking lunatics.

And he lived this life where he had this wide array of friends, really

progressive, where he, like, you know, through playing sports, he had African

-American friends.

And if they were to go in someplace and they said, your friend can't come in, he

goes, no, we're not fucking going in. I mean, this guy was doing this in the 50s

and 60s, right?

And he was always like that. But he died at like 58 or 59.

And it was hard for all of his friends to see him.

You know, not being like the legend, but there's a great part in the book where

he's talking about his life and like knowing that, you know, he probably

have gone easier.

But like this big smile came on his face that he kind of did it the way he

wanted to. Because believe me, dude, I would love to go home and kill a bottle

of bourbon right now. I would love to smoke another fucking five of these

fucking things. But I got too many people dependent on me.

But there is something to be said about living. You know, those people, they

just.

Like, I like booze. I like it.

I like getting drunk and just don't want to do it every night. I'm fucking going

to do it. I live at home. I want to get a pizza. I'm going to have a fucking

pizza. You do pay for it. But there is I made me think of like, well, let me

promote it. Well, what? Yeah. What's that life like? Yeah. As opposed to

like, well, you know, I got to make sure I eat my Brussels sprouts and I flick

and you kind of inch your way to death as opposed to just being like, fuck it.

Pizza tastes good. I want a pizza.

Fuck it. I'm having one.

Let's try every bourbon. I love that in the Lemmy doc when he just had all those

bottles of bourbon. The greatest thing in the Lemmy thing is when those guys

saying, Lemmy goes, hey, you want some Jack Daniels? They go, yeah.

And he takes the bottle down and then hands both of them their own bottle. And

they were like, what the fuck? And he starts drinking out of this like he's

having a Coke.

Dean Del Rey said something fucking hilarious about when he watched the

doc. He goes, dude, if I saw that thing when I was in my 20s and I knew Lemmy

was going to live to be 70, he goes, I never would have stopped.

His last days were rough, though.

I think everybody's last days are rough, unless you drop dead.

But his last days on performing.

I mean, he basically performed until the wheels fell off.

There's a video of him, like one of the last shows that he did where he had to

walk off stage in the middle of his performance.

He was such a fucking badass. Even like just the way he had the microphone, the

way he would sing. He just came in and the fucking bass was all low.

Yeah. Can't teach that, man. That was fucking in his DNA.

Well, he lived it.

That's for sure. And he is a legend.

And there's something to be said for that.

It's all what you put your energy to.

Yeah. You know what it is? It's the balls to live that life. Yeah.

Indulgent and wild.

Yeah, where, like, there's all this heroicism to sobriety, which there is.

sober and just taking life in the face every day is fucking hard. And I think

to see somebody that has the balls, even with all this surgeon general shit, as

I'm sitting here smoking a fucking cigar, looking for a toothpick if you

one.

No? No.

Toothpick. Who's got the piece of dick right there? Yeah, but I can't fucking

stick it in here.

This is why I had to stop cigars, because I'll smoke it right down on my

fingers.

Yeah. Whittle that thing down.

Jesus Christ, Joe.

Give me that stick.

Oh. Isn't that the way you're supposed to hand somebody a knife?

Well, I was going to... Oh, you were going to do it. Yeah.

I don't need you, Joe. I don't need anybody.

Good luck.

Fucking idiot, a roach clip.

You want another cigar so you don't have to do that?

I mean, we have plenty. No, this is the best part.

That's the best part of the cigar? Yeah, the smoke goes right to you. Yeah?

Okay.

I feel like I'm in therapy. I feel like I'm a therapist right now. Listen, don't

switch the kid glove tone with me, all right? I'm just fucking around here. I'm

sorry, Bill.

See that?

Just trying to assess the situation.

Oh, are you? Is that what your training has taught you?

You talk to all these whack jobs on your fucking podcast.

The Lemmy thing is, you know, that's one of the things that people love about

him, right? Because everybody knows you're supposed to eat well. Everybody

you're not supposed to get fucked up every night. Everybody knows you're

supposed to be responsible and mature and smart.

But what he did was just wild.

Didn't work? No?

Look at him there.

He was just wild. Wild to the end.

And I think you need, you need people like that. You do. You do. Cause you can

get a lot out of the way that they live where every once in a while you'd be

like, you know what? Fuck this. Let's go. Let's be Lemmy today.

Yeah. You get, you get great art out of those people too. Those wild people, the

Bukowski's and the Sam Kenison's and the Lemmy's and the people that just

fucking go hard. There's something to that. Yeah. There's something to that

Yeah. There's also something to people that are stoic.

What's interesting to me is just the range of people.

I can get things out of people that just drink water and meditate, and I'm

fascinated by them.

I'm fascinated by people like – I was watching some – do you know Russell

Simmons? He lives in like – where does he live? In like Bali or Indonesia or

something like that? He was doing an Instagram Live, and he's doing it.

Cross -legged with, like, some crazy yoga shawl over his knees and shit. And,

like, he looked like an ashram.

And he's, like, he's basically talking like a yogi in an ashram. Like, this guy

was the head of Def Jam.

And he got, like, really, really into yoga. And now he lives in some country

somewhere and just fucking does yoga.

He's doing Instagram Live talking to people.

Like a guru.

Yeah, I ain't going to go that hard.

I'm not either.

I'll do a yoga. I mean, I kind of do my own version of yoga, just shit that I've

learned. Do you do a little yoga?

I stretch all the time. Yeah? I have to because I, you know, you just get to a

certain age.

If you don't, I mean, you know. Yeah, I love stretching.

Yeah, you kind of got to do all of that shit. So anyway, enough of that.

You ever take a yoga class?

Yeah. Like hot yoga? You ever do that?

I just felt like I couldn't breathe.

Yeah. And I remember, too, also, like, my back was fucked up. That's why I went

to the class. And, like, the position she started out with, the twisting was

happening too quickly.

So I kind of just went down to the mat, and I was doing all the thing. And the

teacher got, like, all freaked out by it.

Really? She's like, come on, you know, try to stay with the class. You can't

like, busting out all these different asanas.

And I just started fucking laughing.

Where I was just thinking like, this is all supposed to be about listening to

your body. And you're literally, you're like the oil man in here trying to

control. This is your own little fucking economy. And just the fact that I fuck,

you're walking around like you got it all figured out.

You got 99 % of people here all doing what the fuck you say. And one guy goes

down to his mat because his back is fucked up. And you process it like I'm

fucking with your authority in a yoga class.

So.

With my broad brush, I said, fuck hot yoga.

That's hilarious.

Yeah. Well, yoga teachers like everything else. Some of them you're

enjoy. Some of them are going to be really good at it, and some of them are

going to annoy the fuck out of you. What annoys the fuck out of me is when they

start giving you motivational advice and telling you how to live your life.

You've got to learn to let go of things.

Like for me, and then tell some personal story.

And so when I got out of that, like, Jesus Christ, can we fucking move on

I didn't come here to hear your first grade rudimentary psychology. It was a

great class.

It was a great class. But the dude, he had, it was fucking awesome.

After a while, I was just psychologically breaking this guy down.

And something happened to him at a gold gym.

I don't know what happened to him. He just was forever making fun of muscle

heads.

And I was thinking, because I had the hybrid thing going on.

Back before I fucked up my shoulder, I loved lifting weights. I loved going to

the gym and all that shit. And I liked the energy in a gym.

You know, I liked it. And the old school ones, right? When the guys used to walk

around with the towels tucked into their fucking, you know, that shit.

And he was forever shitting on it.

And then another thing that he would do was he would also somehow steer it

toward like a subtle comment about lovemaking. And he was putting out like

vibe that he was good in bed at the same time.

That's a yoga guy move.

You know, and he had the little ponytail and shit.

No, it was like a Will Ferrell character.

It was fucking funny. It was like a real -life Will Ferrell,

just really, I know everything kind of vibe.

He wasn't as bad as that, but it was just... I get it.

It was funny, though, and I used to sit there...

Yeah, this was like this dude in New York. I remember it was fucking

And what was hilarious was I was bad at yoga.

You're not supposed to even say that. If you're doing it, man, you just, you

know, wherever your body's at is where you're supposed to be, right?

And I just remember when he would walk around the class and he would adjust

people. He'd always skip me and then adjust some hot chick who was way more

flexible than me. And it's just like, really? I'm doing it right as I'm

over here? For some reason, I never needed an adjustment. Of course. And

was like the 90s, so you could get away with it. There was a lot of adjusting

like this, almost cupping a titty and fucking like, yeah, shit on the hips and

stuff. Yeah.

Hey, God bless him. It's like a Pied Piper.

You got all these hot chicks in there and you get them all stretched out

he banged him. And it worked.

So I couldn't hate on him for that.

But it was, I, to get through the class, because I have such fucking ADD, I was

just, there was like a comedy show going on within it. Like, you know, like a

house. And then I got a couple of buddies and I told you, you got to go.

You know, we'll do like a, you know, like a bet when he's going to shit, how

many times he's going to shit on the gym.

What did he say?

What would he say? He would talk about the muscle heads coming in there and

had no flexibility and how everything was all overdeveloped. But

we'd always be doing some fucked up pose or something. And he goes, this works

on your psoas.

Like what machine in the gym?

You know, is there a SOAS machine?

I can't remember. It was a long time ago.

And at first it pissed me off. It's just like, well, I like fucking doing curls.

What's wrong?

And then it just became funny to me.

There's a specific type of guy that's like that. I went to a yoga guy once. He

used to sing in classes.

He wound up like...

He wound up banging this lady that was there. Oh, that was a lot. Back in the

day. You can't do it now. There was a lot of banging back then. A lot of.

This was like, I guess this was late 90s, early 2000s maybe.

And he would sing in class. And it was so cheap.

It was so disingenuous.

Oh, yeah.

Like you would do these like yoga songs.

I was like, you are so gross.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one. No, you guys are famous for that. But there was

some really good ones that I found. Yeah,

there's some really good ones.

There's this guy I go to. I mean, you hear him talk, you think he's going to

annoying. He's got pierced nipples, the whole deal.

But he's really sincere.

He's really into it.

He's so gay.

He's so gay, he's like oozing when he talks.

He's just so gay. I don't even know what that means. So gay.

The way he talks, we're here.

We're here.

You're supposed to be here. Let it go.

But that's who he is. He's comfortable.

I love his class.

Well, that's the thing. As if it's genuine, then it becomes this great

Yeah.

That's who he is.

He's, yeah.

It's like whoever the fuck you are, if that's who you are, like I like it. I

don't want you to try to sell me on who you are. Like the guy with the love

making car. That goes for the last two hours of this podcast.

The selling you on who they are is where it gets really gross. Pretending to be

something they're not.

I mean, I like flaws.

It's good.

We all have them.

My favorite people are all flawed.

I don't mind.

And it's not even that that guy was flawed.

He was just – like normally you would think if a guy was talking like that

teaching a yoga class, like this is not going to be fun.

But it was great.

There's a lot of people that are really good at it, man.

It's just finding them.

So like the place that I go to, I just look at the schedule. I'm like, oh,

that's a good one.

I'll take her class.

I like him.

He's fun.

Yeah. And there's this one dude, he had these weird tattoos, like real strange.

They always have to be clean, too, because there's so much sweating going

hate when you go, like those hot yoga classes, there's just no way to get

The floors were sweating.

Like there's just no way to.

You've got to accept it. It's so good for your body.

So good for your stretching, too, because you can get into positions when

doing hot yoga that you're not going to get into. And it's like really

stretching that tissue out and extending your range of motion.

I love it.

I'm a fucking evangelist for it, though. I tell so many people to do it. A lot

of people have listened, but more people just get annoyed. Well, I love that

when you guys do the Sober October.

You know, and I watch Segura and fucking Kreischer dry out.

And like three weeks in, they start looking like movie stars and shit.

Well, when we did the fitness one, we did one Sober October fitness challenge.

We all wore these straps, and we had to compete to see who can get the most

fitness points and stuff like that.

Ari got a fucking six -pack.

Ari got shredded.

Like, he doesn't even work out.

Before that, he was never working out. And over the course of the month, by the

end of the month, he had a legit six -pack.

And he looked great. But he's always pretty wiry, though. Yeah, pretty thin.

Yeah. He got fat at one point in time because he was eating nothing but candy.

He was literally eating candy all day long. He was always eating a bag of

bears with him and shit like that.

I don't know if I still have the message. When we're done with this, I've

play the message. Him congratulate me on having a kid. It's so arty. It's so

fucking funny.

But, yeah, he dried out with that and then didn't – he never gained it back,

he never had that six -pack again.

He was shredded because he was super competitive. He was really trying to

It was really interesting.

It was an interesting thing to watch.

And I liked how Burt would do it too where Burt would have like – he would

always have like a crazy buildup that was totally against – he

told me this story.

about him running the fucking L .A. Marathon and, like, drinking the night

before. It's just like, dude, you could have fucking died.

He never really trained for it.

But he's mentally strong. He just got himself in this mindset of put one foot

front of the other, and I am not stopping until I get to the finish line.

26 miles.

Fuck. Fucking hell of a haul for a fat guy.

He did it.

Yeah.

You won't catch me doing that. No? No marathon running?

No. Did you ever run at all?

No. I used to ride a bike.

I did that for a while. I got so into it. I remember one time I actually was

drinking in the afternoon and I still had to go on a bike ride. I got on a

Shit face.

It was sweating.

This is the 80s too. No helmet.

No nothing. And just fucking rode like...

like 12 miles and i never had heard the expression i never felt hitting a wall

like whatever the electrolytes were there was just nothing left and i was

six miles this east coast there's all kinds of hills and shit from my house

i was like i i don't think i i don't what am i gonna do there was no cell

like what am i gonna do so i just kept riding

And then it was like this five minute, like, I'm going to die. I'm not going to

get through this. And then I just got to the other side where the, I think my

body was just like, all right, there must be something like death must be

chasing us. So we need to go into something else here.

And I put into that.

That's what they say happens when you do those ultra marathons. Those people,

they get to a point where they think there's no way they can keep going.

doing 100 miles and they're 38 miles in and they're ready to quit. But they just

manage to just keep left, right, left, right, left, right. And eventually you

get into a zone and you cross the finish line.

20 hours later. Hey, God bless him. Now that, that I would just say, well, that

you have all the people handing you cups of shit and you can just tap out.

There's a lot of things you have to do in those, those 24 hour races. You have

to eat.

You run dry. It's not like a regular marathon.

Yeah, no, I'm not.

Yeah. Those triathlons. Well, Bill Burr has been a great therapy session.

Thank you.

I'm excited about your movie. F is for Family season four coming out tomorrow.

don't know how you have time to do that. How the fuck do you have time to do F

is for Family as well as stand up, as well as all the other shit you do, play

the drums?

Delegation. Yeah.

You surround yourself with super talented people.

You do your job. They do their job. And you're able to do that, able

to do it. But I needed this break, though.

I'm not going to lie to you. I needed it too. I didn't think I needed it. I

thought it was fine. But now I am like fucking chomping at the bit to get back

on stage. Me too. I can't wait. And I miss hearing people laughing and hanging

with comics and hearing the crazy shit they say. Next time I see you, I hope

it's at the store.

Yes. Oh, the Troubadour. The Troubadour. Either one. Either or. I'm in. Bill

Burr, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Bye, brother.

All right.

All right. Was that good? It was great.