All language subtitles for Joe Rogan Experience #1491 - Bill Burr

Hello, family man.

Hello, sir.

Good to see you, brother. Good to see
you, too.

We were just talking about, like, you
have two kids now. You have a real

You got to get an SUV.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, we had something. But
just once you get the two car seats in

back and then, you know, with all the
shit for the kids and then all the shit

your wife has, all of a sudden it's just
like, oh, I now understand. Remember

the Suburban? Yeah. Which was a long,
like, blazer.

And you look at that thing like who the
fuck needs all of that unless you're

like homeless and that's where you live.
But then you're like, oh, I get it.

Again, if you have three, four kids,
yes, you definitely need one. You

definitely need one. They always bring a
bunch of shit with them too. They want

to bring stuff.

Oh, yeah. You have to have room for a
toy or this or that.

Those Tesla ones you were talking about,
those are great. The X with the crazy

doors. Yeah, the Lambo doors. Yeah,
those are dope. Have you ever seen them

dance?

No. Tiffany Haddish had one. She was in
the back of the comedy store.

I heard that. And she set it to dance
and she puts music on it and the wings

start going up and the car starts
turning left and right. It's actually

badass. It's fun.

She's one of the most fun people I've
ever hung out with. She's very fun. I

I was there for that. She had the COVID.

She had it. She got it over. She kicked
it.

I'm surprised more comics didn't get it
the way we're shaking hands and meeting

people after shows.

Yeah.

My wife had the kids. We had to get
tested.

You're clean?

Yeah. Big Jay Oakerson got it.

He had it, and he's clean. It feels
weird to be talking about people that

it. Yeah.

I know a lot of people that got it.
Yeah. I know about nine.

You're naming names like Joe McCarthy
over there.

They're fine now.

Well, I like people who have had it now
because they have the antibodies. They

think they can walk on fire. It's like,
dude, this thing is a brand new thing. I

don't know if you want to be testing.

You know, I got a buddy of mine ended up
getting it, and then he was just like,

well, I got tested. I got the antibody.

So now I think he feels like he's
bulletproof.

They don't even know if you can catch it
again.

They really have no idea.

Well, people are going to find out.
Yeah, we're going to find out. Yeah,

when I was driving over here, I actually
got into a moderate level of traffic on

the highway. Like I've noticed it's just
at some point. I mean, considering

people are just kind of doing what they
want to do, and a lot of people were.

After two weeks, everyone just sort of,
depending on where your ego was, like,

you know, tell me fucking something.

I'm going to go outside.

Those people, they just kept it going.
So now I just feel like, well, you can't

have 60 % of the population go broke
because less than 1 % has something.

So I don't know. I think we're just
going to just go back. I think we're

going to go back. And if you get it, you
get it. And if you die, you die. And if

you don't, you don't.

eventually they're going to get
something that'll slow it down or stop

something like that. Here's what slows
it down. Your fucking immune system.

don't tell you a goddamn thing about
that. They don't tell you how to take

of your immune system. There's no word
about that. Put a mask on. Wash your

hands. No one's telling you sleep more,
drink water, take vitamins.

There's none of that. Yeah, and I know
this one guy brought up vitamin D on his

big podcast, and then you couldn't find
it anymore. Dude, you're like fucking

Oprah when she attacked the meat
industry.

I just saw a clip. Oh, this guy on
Rogan. Of course, I didn't even research

the guy was. It was just like take
vitamin D. It was a woman. A woman.

That's how much I pay attention. And
then I go to the fucking health food

It's all gone.

And there was something that just
bootleg vitamin D. It was like vitamin D

I'm like, what is that?

What is that? I know that that's
probably going to make me catch it. So I

take vitamin C and I try to get eight
hours sleep. And I've been doing a

good job of I'm pretty antisocial like a
lot of comics. So I haven't had a

problem.

Keep it away from everybody?

Yeah, my wife, I quarantine in my house.
Like my wife said, you guys want to sit

down and have dinner with us? I'm always
open.

So I'm alone. No one can hurt me.

Just leftover childhood shit.

Just coming from a family of loners. Do
you feel weird not doing stand -up? What

has that been like?

I did not miss it.

At all. But I think that whenever
there's something painful in my life, I

that that's what I do. I just go, I
don't care.

I don't give a fuck.

I really learned a lot more about myself
during this quiet time of not running

around and going to airports and kind of
sitting with myself and being like,

wow, I thought I was way further down
the road working on myself than I was.

I have a lot of fucking...

childhood issues left over. I got a lot
of like, I really started like all these

puzzle pieces just started coming in and
I was able to look all the way back

where I was to where, where I am now and
how I got here and these little fucking

things that happened to me, you know,
good things and bad that just sort of

knocked me down this road that I'm on.
It was just sitting alone with alone

time.

Yeah. Well, you know, my, My wife was
going through, you know, the third

trimester, you know, when they're just
over it, and you're like, oh, God,

six weeks ago.

I made it happen now. You're like, oh,
no.

You know, I'd finally, you know, get my
daughter to bed, get her to bed.

Everything was good, made sure all the
doors were locked, and then I was just

sort of like, you know, all these years
of doing stand -up, I'm just up at that

hour. Right. So I was just sort of, you
know, sitting kind of by myself.

I don't know. I haven't been watching TV
like the news. You just brought up

three things. You see it's going on in
Seattle with the fucking FCC, whatever

says. Antifa.

I don't even know what it is.

What is FIFA?

Antifa. They call themselves anti
-fascists.

And they wear masks and carry sticks and
helmets and shit.

And intimidate people.

Exactly. To stop fascism.

They use fascism to stop fascism. And
they blocked off, I think, six blocks of

Seattle. And they declared it a police
-free zone.

This is occupied by the people of
Seattle. And you can't use money in that

police -free zone. You know, Joe, I'm
going to go out on a limb and say that's

not going to end well.

It's not going to end well at all. The
only thing that's going to keep it from

ending badly is that Seattle is kind of
a fucked up city. city they tolerate a

lot of homelessness so Seattle's got a
lot of weird laws like it's a it's a um

forget the way it's described I think
it's a mutual combat state that's what

it's described so like if you're in
front of a cop say if uh say if I'm a

and you and Jamie decide to duke it out
you can just say you want to fight

motherfucker and he'll go yeah I want to
fight and the cops will let you fight

Because it's some Wild West mining shit
from like the fucking 1600s. Settle it

like men.

No lawsuits. I like it. You can duke it
out in the middle of the street. It's

very dangerous, though. People getting
knocked out on the street is fucking

terrifying. Because they fall and they
hit their head and they go unconscious.

And there's no refs to stop those last
nine hammer shifts. Well, I think the

cops are supposed to do that. The cops
are supposed to act as a referee, too.

There's videos of guys getting into
street fights in Seattle and cops just

standing around watching.

Yeah, it's real weird. I don't have a
problem. If two people are willing to do

it and they know the risks, you know if
you get hit, you're going to fall and

crack your head on the back of the curb
there.

A lot of them are drunk, though. They
don't know the risks.

There was one of them. This kid, I think
his last name is Fodor.

I think Carlos Fodor. He was an MMA
fighter, and he would dress up like a

superhero. Let's see if we can find out.

Do you remember his name?

Anyway.

He actually knew how to fight, and he
was dressed like a superhero.

So he's kind of baiting people to fuck
with him. And he's walking down the

street, and these guys fuck with him.
That's hilarious.

They decide to go at it, and then he's
bouncing around like a real pro fighter

and starts slamming leg kicks in on this
guy. You see this guy's face like, oh,

my God, what the fuck have I signed up
for?

He's just some drunk asshole and some
dude dressed like a superhero.

I don't have any sympathy for those
people. I think he called himself

Jones. If I saw a guy walking around
dressed like a superhero, I'd be like,

guy's out of his fucking mind. And I
would give him a wide berth.

Hoping he was on his way to his place of
solitude, whatever.

Maybe he's on his way home to his ice
house.

He's on his way to the Batcave.

But if I was younger, yeah, I might
have, you know, if I was standing in a

crowd, yeah, I probably would have done
some fucking.

Punk shit like that. Couple of whiskeys
in you? Oh, yeah. Get my fucking orange

wig slapped off. Yeah, probably.

So Seattle is run by a warlord. One
fucking dude, apparently, according to

friend, who's a SEAL, was running this
entire seven block or six block area of

Seattle. They spray painted all the
windows on this. Yeah, you know. Okay.

to me in three days.

It's been going on a lot longer than
that. It'll be fun.

You think so?

Yeah. What is going to happen? Do you
think there's war loads? What, he's

to have 10 blocks and then 11 and then
he's going to take over all of

Washington? I mean, he's going to run
out of men. They have guns.

Okay. That's the problem. The problem is
they're openly carrying rifles inside

the six block. I know, but they need to
eat.

Okay. And then no supplies are going to
get in that seven block. They're just

going to wait them out.

Or they're going to come in with
superior firepower.

It's not going to end well, Joe. I don't
think it's going to end well. I don't

know how it's going to end.

All right.

Let's guess the scenario.

Okay. All right. How many bodies?

What's the over -under? Four people die.

How many are there? How many of them are
there?

Thousands. I think.

Thousands, and you're only going with
four.

That's a good number. That's like a
Vegas number where you're like, fuck.

always pick the perfect. Do I go over or
do I go under this?

The price is right.

I don't know how many fucking people are
in there, but the photos that I saw,

the place is packed, filled with people
like they're just getting out of a

Chappelle show. Look at this.

These are the people. They took City
Hall.

Oh, they took City Hall. They own City
Hall now? Oh, now most of them are

so I don't see the staying power of
this. Wait a minute. What did you just

They opened the door for them? Yeah.

They gave them City Hall. So this is
City Hall they're walking into right

Yeah, this is, yeah.

Well, this is going to be funny now when
they get in and they don't know what to

do. Let me hear some volume on this,
Jamie. I want to hear what the fuck

yelling.

Something about Jamie Masada.

Jamie's got to go?

Yeah.

The Laugh Factory in Long Beach got
looted last night.

Oh, God, I can't imagine how many
puppets they took.

Are there puppets in the Laugh Factory?
Are there any giant creepy fucking

mannequins? That place is, you know, I
love that place. I love performing

But some of Jamie's decor.

One of my favorite things to do in this
business is shit on Jamie Masada. He

knows I love him.

Buddy. Bill Burr. Black Lives Matter,
buddy. Don't burn down my club.

Yes, please, buddy.

This business has always been weird like
that. No, that's why you're the king,

dude, because you got outside of it, but
you're totally in it, and they can't

get you. They can't get you.

I'm piling up some stories here, being
in the matrix.

I won't get into them, but it's the
same.

It's just the same old corporations only
know how to do business one fucking

way.

They push their advantage.

They push their advantage. They have
their leverage, and they want the

slice of the pie.

That's what they do. I don't have a
problem with that. It's when they go

that, and they just straight up steal.

Are they stealing from you right now?

Everybody does. Every time you get in
business with corporate guys, this is

it works. It's like the check.

Okay, we're in business to make money
from them, and then you get in business

with them, and then the check goes to
the corporate guy, and then you get your

cut off of his checkbook.

So right there.

I am immediately in a situation where
there's no way I can steal from him, but

he can rob me fucking blind. Right. And
you can add a bunch of expenses on the

thing. Front end load expenses to make
it look like they're losing money.

And yeah. Hollywood accounting.

Yeah. No, it's stealing.

It's stealing is what it is. They just
call it Hollywood accounting. But it's

not Hollywood accounting. It's corporate
accounting.

It's scumbag accounting. That's just.

And it's how they do it. And they sleep
at night. And then they always have. Oh,

that's over in the accounting section of
the building. Not over here where me

and my yacht are.

I'm like artist friendly. You know, I
majored in fucking.

liberal arts in college. Well, what was
really interesting when podcasts started

to take off, they started to try to get
in with the old model and weasel into

podcasts and buy pieces of podcasts.

Your deal is going to, if you think the
fucking industry is going to sit back

when they didn't get to wet their beak
on that thing, I'm going to tell every

young comic when we get back to this
shit.

What they're going to do now is what the
music industry did, where they started

signing straight across the board deals.
They're going to get some young kid

who's got no power in the business, and
it's just like, you know, we'll help you

create a podcast.

You know, we're signed with so -and -so,
blah, blah, blah. And what they're

going to do is they're going to own the
podcast. The advertising money is going

to go to them, and they're going to rob
them fucking blind.

100%. They're going to 100%, 100 % going
to fucking steal from them, rob them

fucking blind. And then when they get
audited.

And they get caught stealing, they're
going to label that kid, that young

difficult to work with.

Meaning difficult to steal from.

It's already happening.

Yeah.

I know guys who, young guys, I won't
name any names, but they've come up to

and go, hey,

I'm signed to this management company.
They want to sign me. But they want a

piece of my podcast.

No. They want a piece of this.

And they want it in perpetuity. There's
no reason. There's no reason.

Yeah. You've got to tell people that,
too. Oh, I tell them. You've got to tell

people. Do not. I tell them, don't give
up anything.

Don't give up anything.

Don't ever. It's all you. It's all you.
Because they're not going to do anything

for you. What they're going to do is
move the ball quicker that first fucking

two years, and then the rest is all
going to be you. If you just hang in

and struggle a little bit, like, uh -uh.
You've got to grind. You've just got to

hang in there and keep going. I mean,
I've got a lot of offers to buy half of

the podcast or to buy – nothing.

I won't do it. I'll never do it.

But then Spotify came along and they
said, we'll give you a licensing deal.

So just put it on our network for three
months, but you still own it. I'm like,

all right, we're in.

And that's why we did it that way. But
this comic that I won't name, he was

telling me that this management company,
they wanted to sign him. They wanted to

own a piece of his podcast forever.

And I'm like, that is fucking crazy.

Yeah, because what they're going to look
at it is they're going to make it like

if you started a podcast while you were
with this manager or while you were with

this agent, it would be like back in the
day when you booked a sitcom.

Exactly.

If you left the agency or the manager
throughout the lifetime of that sitcom,

you owed the commission to them.
Exactly. But back then, you needed them

that. You don't need them for the
podcast, but they're going to do that.

you're going to leave this manager, and
then for the rest of your fucking life,

you're going to be paying this never
-ending alimony.

Yeah. I mean, there'll be guys
eventually that'll try to take 50, 60, I

podcast. Uh -huh.

Managers will start, agents will start
podcast networks because there's nobody

regulating them.

To not do that anymore. I got an offer
just five years ago from a company that

was a radio company that wanted 50 % of
the podcast. They were going to give me

no money. They wanted 50 % of the
podcast just to be associated with them.

they're like, we're going to pull
together all these advertisers and it's

to help your revenue. No.

50%. No. And they never deliver with
what they say they're going to. They

They come in and they just.

They gut the thing.

Well, the beautiful thing about podcasts
is podcasts all get big on word of

mouth. Like I've never advertised this
podcast. I never did anything with it. I

never bought billboards or put ads up
anywhere.

It's just from word of mouth. And the
way other podcasts grow is people get on

people's podcasts and they say, hey, you
listen to Bill Burr's podcast, Money

Morning podcast, fucking hilarious.

And then it just grows from people
promoting. But I think it's the job of

making money in podcasting is to let new
podcasters know do not sign those deals

ever. Not let the fox into the hen house
because they're going to fucking rob

you blind.

And you don't need them. I saw this
documentary one time on this heavy metal

band Anvil, right? This crazy thing
about this band that just was around

and never quite made it. And I think it
was that one.

It's one of those ones about an old
metal band from the 80s. And this guy

said... Like the truest shit ever when
he was talking about the music business.

And this goes straight across podcast
and everything. He goes, you're better

own something 100 % and only sell 20
,000 copies than you are to not own it

all and sell 20 million. Like you're
literally going to make more if you just

sell 20. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, no. And then another thing that
they – oh, my God, dude. Another thing

that they do is then all the people that
they lose on, they dump that on you.

Yeah, yeah.

Like I remember one time.

I forget what it was with this network.
And I had a CD that was already made.

I already made it. And I just wanted
them to put it out on their label.

And they wanted to own the CD.

And I was like, no, I'm not. No, I don't
want you to own it. I just need you to

distribute it. I need you as a
distributor.

And the guy said to me, he goes, well,
you know, ownership shouldn't be that

a deal for you.

It should be about exposure.

I said, all right, well, let me ask you
this. If ownership shouldn't be that big

a deal to me, why is it such a big deal
to you?

And he started like stammering. And then
he basically said, well, you know, we

get in business with something. He named
a couple of the comics whose CDs didn't

sell. And we have to recoup those
losses. It's like, that ain't my fault.

That's hilarious.

I could have told you not to sign that
fucking jerk off. What is your... It's

not my fault you didn't do the fucking
work.

So that's the way...

I had another one one time I signed
with. This was back when I made CDs and

did one and I had a 60 -40. I was
getting 60 and they were getting 40.

But their 40 was off the gross.

Mine was off the net. And all expenses
for the album was on me. It's like I

thought we were doing this together.

Every fucking thing, the artwork,
printing it, all of that, all of those

expenses came to me. And in the end,
that 60 -40, 60 net, 40 gross, they made

way more money than I did.

It's just how they – you're like, oh,
okay. Well, I'm getting $6 on every 10.

Yeah, plus – but anything – It's just
hilarious that they would come up to you

and tell you that we did some deals with
some other comics. Dude, I get in

business one time to make this TV show
and the fucking guy sends the bill for

the whole fucking thing.

I shouldn't be saying it, but this was a
while ago, right? The guy was going to

bill us $2 ,500 a month to use his
copier machine.

And another, I don't know, $4 ,500 to
use as editing.

It's like, dude, we have both of those
things. We don't need those.

Let's take that money and put it on the
screen. We're trying to get this thing

to go. And the guy like, oh, the
funniest shit ever. He goes like, I'm

by those questions or something like
that, which is my favorite thing ever.

The offense, like the, what is the, I
don't know.

You're a fucking thief and you actually
have the audacity.

To be like taken aback, like fanning
yourself. Like, I can't believe you'd

suggest.

How many fucking shows are you charging
$2 ,500 a month to go, you know,

fucking.

Use your copy machine.

Yeah. A lot of money. That's rent for a
nice apartment.

No, fucking thieves.

Copy machine.

How much does it cost to use that copy
machine, really?

First of all, the copy machine probably
doesn't even cost $2 ,500.

Probably renting it. Yeah.

Probably rents it for a couple hundred
bucks a fucking month. But even to buy a

copy machine. He probably has nine shows
paying $2 ,500 a month for him to go,

that's it. If you have like a really big
one, one of those commercial grade copy

machines, what is it called? 10 grand? I
mean, how much could it cost?

I mean, I think he's bought a couple of
houses off of owning that copier

machine. And I just love telling these
fucking stories because these are the

things that you like. What's great about
podcasting is you can say this. This is

for every.

person out there who has a fucking
business and you know there's that thing

where you want to take it to the next
level and then these these guys come in

and then they're all just like yeah well
hey we're gonna take a piece of it and

they take a big fucking chunk out of it
and what they do is their risk is all

the way down here yours is up here and
then somehow they just i'm telling you

like you're better you're better to sell
20 000 copies own it 100 than 20

million and not own any of it because
you're going to make more money that's

just how the game is played. And those
fucking guys who steal from people, they

sleep very comfortably. But it's also
just podcasts, just the stress of

with other people is eliminated.

Just the stress of dealing with
production people, executives.

It slows it down. Yeah, it's awful.

It's awful. Yeah, I mean, the only thing
Spotify's ever done so far is ask, do

you know who the first guest will be?

And already I'm like, ugh.

They're going to be who they're going to
be.

They're going to be great. I'm going to
try to get my best friend. The funniest

people. That's them justifying their
desk.

I can't just sit here like, Joe knows
what he's doing.

Any idea?

I'd like to start an email chain and we
could maybe circle back later and have a

conference call.

And they're just trying to fill up
there.

Yeah, they're just having to use time.

But the Spotify people have been great.
They literally said, we don't want to do

anything. We want you to just do what
you're doing.

Just do what you're doing.

But even asking me who the guest is
going to be, I was like, oh, no.

Please let this be the only question.

Yeah. I'm never available.

And that's nothing, though. That's
nothing. I mean, they're great. But

imagine if you were doing that with a
network? Like, imagine if you were in

business with ABC or something like
that, and they were helping produce your

podcast. You'd have to go in for
meetings.

You'd have to go in and sign into the
office. Bill, you sign in here. You go

sit down and waste your fucking
afternoon having some dopey

You kind of complain a lot when you read
these letters, Bill.

Do you have to when people are signing
the emails? Maybe you should be happier.

Can we get a reread on the blah, blah,
blah?

How do you feel about product placement?
Because we've got a great deal of Coca

-Cola.

Look, I just wanted to tell a few of
those younger people out there because

actually really bothers me.

that people do that to people yes it
really bothers me and i love comics and

love seeing new comics coming up that
have talent and i hate seeing them get

fucked over so hopefully uh people
listen and they do it but

They're fucking worms, man. They're
fucking worms.

There's a lot of worms out there. And
there's a lot of worms that try to grab

comics that are talented but real raw.
And they try to lock you up to some

enormous lifetime management deal.

And when you take off and you have
something.

Dude, I remember back in the day when
companies were like shooting specials

before comics started shooting them.

And the amount of guys that got that,
yeah, we only got enough money to shoot

one.

You know, you can only shoot it one
time, but you're going to crush it, man.

got this hour down. We only got enough
in the budget. And then they'd show up

early and they'd be shooting another
comic special.

Off their money, the deal to double them
as a management company, what they

would get or an agency.

The amount of fucking times that that
happened.

With the same audience.

I mean, yeah.

You want to hear the best one I ever
heard?

Jim Brewer was filming a special, sold
out the theater.

And the people that were filming the
special told him that the money for the

ticket sales was theirs because it was
all about the production.

Because the money that people were
paying for the production. He's like,

fuck are you talking about?

This is my audience.

That's my money. His management tried to
steal the money from ticket sales and

say that it went towards production.

Went all the way to court with it. His
manager's on the way to court, has a

fucking panic attack, goes to the
hospital.

Like, the whole thing's a nightmare.

I think Jim won. Yeah, of course he won.
Yeah, he won. Well, thievery.

Thievery. Like, people are paying to see
James Brewer. I have a million of those

fucking stories. I have a lot of those,
too. But this is the thing.

This is what kills me about a lot of
this.

There's rhetoric that's going on out
there, which I agree with 90 percent of

But if you if you agree with 100 percent
of it, like you and I are not supposed

to be having stories like this. We're
supposed to be the ones doing it.

And it's just like you have to like as
far as the the whole, you know, oh,

you're a white male heterosexual, you
know, doors just fly open and people

hey, what are your dreams? They like I'm
not saying and I'm not obviously not

bitching, but I'm just saying that like
like people will fuck you.

It's all about money. It's all about
money. They don't give a fuck, and they

all, those people that do that shit
really, yeah. So there's a long history

Hollywood accounting.

There's a long history of that. I mean,
there's been so many stories about

people who made killer hit movies and
never got paid because Hollywood's like,

look, you know, we had this much had to
go to advertising, and this is the

production. Look how bad Elvis got
fucked. Oh, yeah.

Elvis got fucked so bad, and then one of
the main ways he got fucked on the

road, he only did one.

Out of the country date, I believe he
did Toronto.

And he never traveled the world because
his manager had something going on with

his visa and he was worried if he left,
he wouldn't be able to come back.

So that kind of like fucked him out of a
ton of fucking money and seeing the

world or whatever the fuck he might have
wanted to do.

Keep doing these movies, Elvis.

You don't want to go on the road. That
is hilarious.

Well, the best version of breaking down
how corrupt the music business is was by

Courtney Love.

They said she had a ghostwriter. I don't
know, but she did.

It's a great article that she wrote
documenting exactly how much you get

versus how much money gets generated and
where it all goes and how they fuck

you.

They've always done it that way.

I mean, that's always the way they've
done it. That's the answer. These young

people. That's the answer to it. Well, I
mean, that's how it's done. That's how

we do it. Whatever. I don't want to
fucking sit here bitching the whole

Hey, are you smoking cigars? Are you
done? I quit, but I smoke like one or

month. Oh, God damn it, Joe.

Oh, I got these from Mike Binder.

They're good. What?

Yes.

Well, I guess I didn't quit today, did
I?

Come on, Billy.

Fun time. Are we doing this? Yes, let's
do it. All right. Come on. We've got to

celebrate. You're a kid.

You have to. There you go. It's my
birthday yesterday, too. Oh, that's

Happy birthday. Thank you.

You're 38 again.

52, brother. Holy shit. That's me, too.

52 pickup.

Isn't that a weird number? Like you say
it, it doesn't seem real.

Well, I think in your 50s, nothing
matters until the odometer flips to 60.

then you're just like, fuck. Yeah, I
know.

60. Guys in their 60s. You got a cutter?
Yeah, sorry.

Guys in their 60s. Is this the Ted
Nugent one? Look at this. What the fuck?

That's a serious one. That's from
Benchmade Knives.

It's an awesome knife company. They gave
me a good cigar cutter.

You sound like Bill Murray in fucking
What About Bob, which I just watched the

other day, you know, when he's eating
the food. Great fucking movie.

That's a perfect movie.

When he's fucking eating.

We did a family movie night basically
every day of the pandemic.

It was the first couple of months.

Basically every night we watch a new
movie. Watch every single Adam Sandler

movie. Watch Groundhog Day again. I
forgot how good Groundhog Day was.

These are delicious.

Shout out to Mike Binder.

Yeah, they're very good.

Anyway.

Anyway. But podcasting is fun.

Look, it's great business.

I mean.

I started it off because I was kind of
depressed because I had to move back

from Colorado. I thought I had escaped.

I thought I was gone.

I was like, I'm out.

Fuck L .A. I can't take this. Crowds and
everything. I want peace and I want the

wilderness. I live in the mountains.

I remember that. And then you had to
have a Glock when you went out to go get

your mail so you didn't get eaten by a
fucking bobcat or something.

Mile lines. Mile lines, yeah. Yeah, I
saw one in the yard.

That could be an issue.

I know. That's basically a middleweight
tiger.

It's a welterweight.

Welterweight. 150 pounds.

147.

Welterweight tiger.

Welterweight boxing at least.
Welterweight MMA is 170.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's a weird animal to see in the woods
too because you know if that thing runs

at you, like you literally have no
chance.

They're scared of you though. They don't
want nothing to do with you for the

most part.

If they're really hungry and really old,
they'll fuck you up.

That's why I try to tell, you know.

My wife, whenever you're outside, I'm
like, Mama Bear is next to the cub.

Always. Always. I go, there's coyotes,
and they're getting bold because

was inside.

Yeah. And they come down every night
looking for a little dog or a little

fucking cat. You hear that shit going
down in the hills. Everyone would be

you know, once, two white suits, you
just hear, which is basically the dog

what the fuck is that? You know?

Fucking brutal. Yeah, it's gross.

It's scary because a little cleanup crew
goes around and catches animals

slipping in the backyard.

Yeah. I don't understand people let
little dogs out because those fucking

coyotes, they'll figure out a way in.
Oh, yeah. Well, they're very smart.

You know, they have to survive. They
figure out a way.

Yeah. Little creepy fucks. Yeah, they
are little creepy fucks. They're

everywhere. They're in every city. Can I
promote this movie?

Yeah, F is for Family, too. F is for
Family, season four.

It's coming out tomorrow.

Tomorrow I got two big things coming out
and then that's it. I'm dried up.

Because everybody in interviews are
like, what's next for you after these

things? That's it.

It's the pandemic.

Are you going to start going on the road
at all?

You're opening up.

Yeah. I'm going to see how you guys do.

You know?

Who comes back with a cough? I'll let
you guys walk towards the atom bomb that

they just... I mean, I got a little one
at home. So I think I'm going to chill

until like September. Unless it's just
wide open.

By chill, I mean...

If things go well, I'm going to try to
do some shows at the Troubadour, because

I know that they're hurting, and that's
one of my favorite venues. All these

bands that I love have played there. The
Troubadour on Santa Monica?

Yeah, so they're in a bad way because of
this, so I'm going to try to do a

little run of shows down there.

Are they available? You can do that? Not
available yet, but when they are

available, I'm going to try to do a
three -night thing down there, work for

free, get the rust off, have people...
Pay for tickets. Buy a bunch of booze

some Troubadour t -shirts and keep that
place going, man. Oh, that's great.

Yeah. I'll do that.

Yeah. Well, I'll do that too. Let's do
it. I'll do it. Yeah. That sounds like

fun. Yeah. I went there twice this year.
I saw Everlast there and I saw Sturgill

Simpson there. And Steve Martin opened
for Richard Pryor there. Wow.

I read this great Steve Martin article
where he was talking about opening for

him there. So it also has like some
comedy.

Well, when I was there, I was saying
this is a perfect venue for comedy. It's

like 500 seats.

It's awesome. It's got a balcony.

It would be a great place for stand -up.

Yeah. The store needs help, too.
Everybody needs help. Improv needs help.

I know the store, once they can open up,
I know they're going to be fine. Mm

-hmm. Because I'm going to be down there
all the time anyway.

Yeah.

So as far as...

I think between now and September, if
they start opening things up, there's a

bunch of little theaters that are around
that I would just, you know, pop in and

do a night. Like I said, just work for
free, have the people pay, you know,

whatever for some tickets and buy
whatever they're selling there, you

Knock the website.

Yeah, you know, because I'm not going to
have people pay full price.

I mean, I haven't taken this amount of
time off since I started. Yeah.

You know, my last gig was March 10th,
the Dean Del Rey Bon Scott Tribute.

Dude, you should have come down for
that, man. I couldn't. I had another

had to do.

It looked like a lot of fun, though.
Dean fucking murdered, the band

It was fucking, and we had a great
comedy show.

Dean's got a crazy voice.

He does. It's so good.

It really sneaks up on you, because
he'll sing in the car, but then you see

with the band and goes. The microphone
and everything.

When that video that you guys put on
Instagram of him singing a whole lot of

Rosie, I was like, holy fuck.

He's really good.

Well, he did it for like 15, 20 years.
Yeah, you could tell.

Yeah. I mean, he's legit.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a good time.

And then it was over.

And then it was over. Yeah.

Strange.

Yeah. I've got some gigs lined up.

I'm going to announce them next week.

But I'm just going to hit the road, do
some fucking clubs, knock the rust off.

It looks like the store is not listed as
a bar. It's listed as an entertainment,

a live entertainment venue because
they're opening up bars and restaurants

all these different things.

And the store, they kind of – they tried
to label it as a nightclub.

But Peter Shore is like, it's not a
nightclub. No one is milling around.

You sit down.

You go in and sit down. It's more like –
it's more like – So what do they need

to be classified as to open up?

Well, they need a different distinction
for comedy clubs. They don't really have

one. And there's a good argument, a real
good argument that comedy clubs should

be some sort of essential business
because people need to blow off some

It feels good.

It's really good for you. Look, if I was
a guy working a regular job and I was

used to going to the store every couple
months to knock some laughs into me, I

mean, I'd be fucking chomping at the bit
to go see some comedy right now. Oh, I

think they're going to be packed.

I remember I was in New York during 9
-11, and I was like, is anything ever

going to be funny again? And it was like
a two -week lull, and then they were

just fucking packed.

Yeah. It actually became almost like a
second boom or whatever way

back in the day. I'm worried about a
second wave of the corona. I'm worried

about them locking things down.
Someone's got to step in and stop them

doing that. Next wave, you guys got to
be proactive.

You got to do something about people's
immune systems. You got to lock down old

people and sick people. Let regular
people do whatever the fuck they want.

can't just lock people's freedom down
for something that killed a small

of what you thought it was going to
kill.

The whole thing is – it's just fucking
creepy to have guys like Mayor Garcetti

be in charge of telling people whether
or not they get to work.

Like that's not what a governor is
supposed to be. That's not what a mayor

supposed to be. But they're trying to
look out for your best interests and

trying to get 400 million people to all
pull in the same direction. It's fucking

– you can't get 40 comics to pull in the
same direction. But they did. So like

they have like an impossible – they did
and they didn't.

There was people fucking right – The
whole fucking time there's been fucking

assholes on my street walking around no
masks, you know, not quarantining like

the people that come by the houses. You
see the fucking, you know, the same

people that were going in and out of the
house who are not part of their family

still going in and out of the house. You
want people to walk down the street

with a mask on?

Let's not start this, Joe. Do you,
though? Let's not start this.

Okay. Let's start it. I don't want to
start this bullshit. I'm not going to

here with no medical degree listening to
you with no medical degree with an

American flag behind you smoking a cigar
acting like we know what's up.

Better than the CDC.

All I do is I watch the news once every
two weeks. I'm like, mask or no mask?

Still mask? All right, mask. That's all
I give a fuck about. I don't care. But

even they say you shouldn't wear a mask
unless you're treating a coronavirus

patient. The World Health Organization.
Yeah, but they didn't say that

initially. They didn't say it initially.

No, they didn't. They did. And then it
gradually.

And then everybody wore the fucking
mask.

This is like rollerblading. Everybody
fucking rollerbladed. And then there was

that one fucking homophobic joke. And
then everybody acted like they never did

it. And then a hundred million fucking
rollerblades got thrown into the fucking

ocean. We all wore masks. And then all
of a sudden people are fucking sitting

there. What? You don't have the body
type for it, dude.

Your fucking knuckles would scrape on
the ground.

Even with that extra two inches.

I just love how wearing a mask became
like this fucking like soft thing that

were doing, like being courteous, being
courteous. Why is this for bitches? That

was so stupid.

First of all. Oh, God, you're so tough
with your fucking open nose and throat.

T. Joe and your five o 'clock shadow.

This is a man right here. A man doesn't
wear a mask.

Why does it always become like that?
It's always like the man versus the

That's what men do. That's what men do.
We make fun of things.

Anything. Anything that seems like
you're not taking chances.

Right? I don't have a problem with that
unless you were already wearing the mask

and then you're acting like you didn't.
And all of a sudden people watch your

thing and then they all pile up. Oh,
look at this bitch wearing the mask. You

were fucking doing it two weeks ago.

Well, I was scared out of my mind in the
beginning. In the beginning? Like when

everybody's shutting down in the
beginning and people are stockpiling

was convinced.

I was like, Jesus Christ. Dude, you have
like nine elk in your basement. You

were the one person I knew was fine. Tom
Poppins making bread. I got plenty of

food. I knew he was fine. That's not
what I was worried about. I was worried

about people I knew getting really sick
and dying. And then I was convinced that

I had it. At one point in time, I was
like, God, I do feel like I'm breathing

heavy.

I felt like my breath is coming short.

I did. I did. I had psychosomatic issues
thinking about it. I got over it,

though. I got over it.

Guy had a fucking panic attack sitting
on fucking 12 elk.

You had a fucking panic attack. And then
you felt bad about yourself.

And then you attack people with masks.
That's how it works. And that's how the

hatred starts. And that's right now why
seven blocks of Seattle, you can't go

now.

I'm going to go and I'm going to drop
off free food for those folks. Those

protesters. Joe, there's a major
American city where seven blocks, the

have took over it. And I had no idea
what you were talking about. So anything

that I, I don't watch it. I envy you. At
all. I envy that.

That you just do that. You just shut
everything down. Me, every day I check

part of the world is on fire right now.
I don't like hysteria. I don't like

making decisions with hysteria.

When I first became a dad, the hysteria
of other parents, I would be

looking at them, but I wasn't listening.

Because that's the tone of everything
we're saying.

You know, better get some sleep now.

And you'd be like, and then anytime you
say anything positive about your kid.

How old's your kid?

Seven weeks.

Oh, yeah?

She's great. She's great. Oh, wait till
seven and a half weeks.

It's like, dude, maybe you suck at it.
Yeah. How about that? Yeah. You're

sitting there with your fucking legs
trembling, right? All nervous and shit.

Yeah. I don't like.

You know, I'm already fucked in the
head.

I'm already fucked in the head. I don't
need 24 -hour news network. Like, who's

that guy on Fox News?

I always joke with me. Tucker?

He's got great hair but horrible points.
Like, if his points were as good as his

hair. Which guy? He looks like a
Kennedy.

I mean, he's just, he is the white guy's
white guy.

He was talking about black people going,
and when they come for you, and they

will, they're going to, you know, it's
just like, what are you fucking talking

about? Is it Hannity?

I don't know who he is. No, it's not
Hannity.

Hannity was the guy who they put with
that fucking rooster at the end, a chick

at the end of his life looking guy.

Like, here's your liberal.

Dude, and all my relatives who are
conservatives are like, I mean, look at

He's so meek. It's like this thing is
cast like a show. Yeah, who was that guy

that he was with? Hannity and Combs.

Hannity and Combs. And the one guy
looked like he was on death's door, and

was the liberal. He was great.

He was great. And the other guy looked
like a football hero, astronaut with a

square jaw.

Nice fucking head of hair. The other guy
with the little glasses.

He looked like Mr. Burns, right?

Yes. And he had no spine.

He wasn't a strong arguer.

He was the Washington General. And the
other guy was the Globetrotter.

Conservative point.

And then you put on CNN and you got all
those fucking nitwits with the Situation

Room and all of that.

How about Cuomo and his brother?

This is why I wish...

That there was a comedy club, because
there's a bit that's already come and

gone, was what I loved was when Colin
Kaepernick, when he was taking a knee,

right? All the liberals were just like,
well, hey, man, it's just like his

opinion, man.

This is the time to listen, man.

And then everybody on the right is like,
shut the fuck up and play football, you

fucking piece of shit. Don't disrespect
the flag, right? And then Drew Brees

tweets something conservative.

And then all of a sudden everybody on
the right is like, hey, man, this is

like it's opinion, man. And then
everybody on the left is like, you

racist piece of shit. I'm going to
fucking cancel you. They literally do

Everybody believes in like freedom of
speech as long as you're saying what

want to fucking hear. And that's why I
fucking hate both of those news

It makes my blood boil when I walk into
a house.

With people I know, if they're watching
CNN or Fox, like I can't get past – like

when people watch like the Kardashians,
it's like why would you do that to your

brain?

It is what it's like.

I mean it's very toxic. It's very toxic,
both sides. And they never see

any good points that the other side is
making. And every video on the internet

starts after the thing happened.

And it's like you're always like it's
like you're getting eight episodes in

you're like, what the fuck? It's like
you don't know what.

Like, if you watch the last scene of
Josh, you're like, why the fuck did he

that shark?

There's enough sharks dying out there.

You didn't see that this thing was
specifically targeting human beings and

needed to do this. Right.

How does that relate to the news?

I'm saying when you watch the news.

People don't like – they're not filming
what leads up to whatever fucking

confrontation happens.

Okay? So you're getting a very skewed –
you don't know what happens. You know

what a good version of that is? What
they're saying happens could be what

happened or a bunch of other shit. I
don't understand how I'm supposed to

something.

There's obviously obvious shit. That
shit in Minneapolis was the most obvious

shit ever.

That guy's a murderer, and those other
three guys sat around and just watched

him fucking do it. A guy's calling out,
I can't breathe, and all of this shit.

I'm calling out for his mother. It was
fucking sickening. That guy's a monster.

He had the audacity to have a shocked
look on his fucking face.

That guy's terrible, right? But, like,
what I'm saying is that thing had all of

this. He kind of got the whole fucking
thing. When they came up, you had the

whole thing. There's so many others. And
I'm not talking about cop stuff.

I'm just talking about anything.

Taking a little piece of somebody's...
stand -up routine or a politician says

this or voted he voted no on this and
what it is is the shit that all it's

usually the shit that was attached to it
which is something i don't understand

with politics like why can't you just
vote on what you're voting on like

we have clean water yes we should and
then like the shit that's attached to it

but we can still fucking dump toxic shit
in here and then when the guy goes to

or the woman goes to run it's like oh
this this person voted against the clean

water act This is your tree hugger?

I'm Joe Blow, and I approve of this
message. Well, here's a good version of

that. Remember the Covington school
case?

The kid had a MAGA hat on, and the
Native American was beating the drums,

the kid was smiling, looking at him. And
they took it, pretending that this kid

walked up to this Native American,
beating the drums, and was smiling on

face and mocking him. What really
happened is these kids were on a field

for high school.

They're selling MAGA hats.

The kid was 16.

They're being jerked off. They buy these
hats and put them on. They're just

having fun. Very little supervision.

While they're there...

These Native Americans are beating their
drums, and this guy walks up to the kid

and gets in the kid's face and is
beating the drum. Now, CNN, all these

went with this narrative that these kids
were mocking him. The kid just stood

there smiling while this Native American
got in his face. But the photo of the

kid doing that. It's disturbing that
those – there used to be rules on

of media.

Yeah. I think way back in the day it was
like a rule of sevens, like no one

person could own seven – any combination
of radio, TV, because you can literally

influence public opinion. Oh, yeah. And
that's why – Like, I've watched, and I,

dude, 12 years ago, I went down the
Federal Reserve fucking rabbit hole. I

became a fucking, the guy you didn't
want to talk to. About the Federal

All of that shit. The private thing,
it's not, it's just Federal, it's the

Federal Express.

I went down. Jekyll Island.

Yeah. All of that shit. And like,
watching, I just, I just feel like in

last, I don't know how many years where
it's just all of a sudden they stopped

being just sort of, everything they
were, I think reporting was always

to some level.

And now it's just – you're sort of
watching like op -ed pieces. So I don't

This is somebody who doesn't watch
anything and reads like autobiographies

football players in the 1950s. Well, in
the Covington school kid case, they

sued. The kid sued and won.

The CNN painted him out to be a monster.
They were getting death threats. And

did CNN issue a retraction? I don't know
what they did, but they paid him.

I don't I don't know what they but
that's why I don't I don't like either

those channels because of that. And it
causes, I think, rational people like

that guy, the guy, the fat dude in the
bicycle suit ripping those pieces of

paper out of those girls hands.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That guy. That is the result, I
think, of watching one of those channels

24 seven and then going on Facebook and
writing in capital letters. Could you

imagine if you were there watching that
guy rip?

pieces of paper out of a little girl's
hand like that that he didn't even know,

yelling at her, running up to her where
the mother is yelling, you stop touching

her. Get your hands off her.

Oh, that was the mom? I thought that was
her friend. Whoever that was. It

sounded like a woman.

It sounded like a woman yelling because
it was a little girl.

He was doing everything but growling.

Yeah. Because then it gets to the point
of like, what is in your head?

That you're trying to defend. Like,
that's the guy.

But then everybody vilifies the guy,
which I would rather sit down and talk

that guy and be like, let me ask you
this. When you watch that, you know,

video, like, what is it that you see?

Because just yelling at them and
canceling them and making them lose his

job, you're just going to make the guy
even more angry.

And he probably has grandkids that he's
going to fill their head before he dies.

So what's the solution?

Sit down and talk to him?

I think that should be part of it.

Like, buddy, let's sit down for a
second.

You were on a bicycle.

You wanted to burn some calories.

You're obviously into it by the way you
drive.

Okay?

You're enjoying America's great parks.
Right.

You come across these kids.

You know, do you like kids?

Have you ever attacked a kid before?

They're just putting a piece of paper up
with a point of view. Like, what do you

think led up?

To that level of a response, because I
have to be honest, like we've all

snapped and done shit. I would like to
think I have.

And afterwards, I'd be like, what the
fuck? Why did I argue that? Why did I

that? Why did I do that?

And the only way to kind of prevent from
you being a fucking asshole again is

you have to kind of walk back and look
at it. Right.

So going at the guy, which I totally
understand because it was.

It was so bad it was almost comical
because he was borderline growling at

Well, you know what was really bad? He
didn't even get the paper from the girl.

He grabs the girl. The girl clenched her
fist down and held onto the paper.

My favorite part was the sound of the
bottom of his shoes that clip into the

pedal.

He sounded like a little show pony.

He was trying to growl like a tiger, and
he sounded like my pretty pony, like

somebody should have been.

combing his hair so and i was sitting
there going look at this crazy old guy

uh okay i don't know how i didn't think
how old i thought he was but then he was

like 60 i was like this guy's like only
eight years older than me so he

graduated high school like eight years
before me so like this guy is almost

of my generation like what experiences
did he have that he looks at this whole

thing like um you know i mean i'm not
that that that things saying all

cops are like those guys it's like no
it's like you have to get those guys off

of the force that's what i think so um i
just don't understand like

and that was my understanding what they
were putting up there was specific to

the minneapolis case so my thing is as a
human being how could you have issue

with somebody trying to put something up
you know

honoring that guy or something positive
about that.

That's what I was confused.

I don't know what you put up. I'm not
sure what you put up. It was definitely

about the George Floyd protest.

You know, maybe organizing it.

I couldn't see what was written on the
paper, and I filled that in when I

watched it.

But I really couldn't get over the sound
of his shoes, though.

That was really fucking funny. And when
he started walking faster with the bike,

it was almost like a great movie trailer
for a horror film.

Yeah. No?

The 60 -year -old fat bike rider?
Imagine if that was your daughter.

Imagine if your daughter, you're sitting
there and that guy runs up to your

daughter and he's grabbing the paper out
of her hand. He's running at her,

grabbing the paper while a woman's
screaming at him to not touch her. Don't

touch her.

Yeah, I mean.

Imagine. Yeah. I mean, there's only one
response to the father.

Yeah. Murder.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't like murder.

No. What do you like?

Mame. I want him to remember that he did
it.

That's interesting.

That's another level. Start with a blown
out ACL and you go from there. Yeah.

Beat him with his stupid shoe.

Why do people wear... I actually had to
look up why people wore those shoes.

They clip in.

I know they do, but I'm like, what is
the advantage of that? Is there an

advantage? Yeah, I think it's when
you're coming up this way.

You can still pull with your legs, so
you're getting more of an efficient

motion. This guy's really into biking
and not putting paper on trees.

Don't put their dead relatives in their
faces.

Just a man that would run up to a little
girl like that and grab her, grab paper

out of her hand.

There he is.

Click, click, click, click. But that's
before he grabs her, Jamie.

Yeah, back it up from the beginning.

Now, as far as you, with your martial
art background, you've got to be

with the way he's using his bike there.

No. He's sort of like trying to be a
little herd.

Bicyclist from Maryland. What does it
say? Rewind it. See right there.

That's where a bison was caught on video
earlier attacking teenagers who were

posting flyers. Is that a teenager? It's
a little girl.

Is that really a teenager? She might be
13.

He just runs up to her yelling at her. I
mean, look, he's towering. Oh, my God.

Look at her, though. Good for her.

Yeah. See, I don't know if that's a
woman or her friend, but that girl's got

balls or ovaries.

I like the little skip step, too, like a
cornerback. Well, he's running at the

guy with the camera and knocks him over.

The man achieves his goal, okay, as much
as you don't approve of what he's

doing. He achieves his goal. No, he's
still got the paper in his hand. I know.

I'm joking. He grabbed her arm.

Whatever happened to that guy?

I don't know, but they're promoting my
movie right there. Look at that. King of

Staten Island. What are the odds? On
demand everywhere Friday.

You know, I would be in the news with a
big old fucking

orange jumpsuit on if that was happening
to my daughter.

Oh, my God. It would be a real problem.

If I caught someone doing that to
anybody. Dude, you would be like a

badger on that fucking.

Your biggest problem would be what do I
use?

I almost think for half a second, like
you would be, you know, elbow. What do I

do? Choke him. What do I fucking do?
That's spinning heel kick. I saw you do

If you ever hit me with that, I have to
learn how to talk again.

Yeah. Joe, it didn't happen to your
daughter, right? I know. You just went

dark fucking place there. I go there all
the time, Bill.

It's a real problem with me. I know. I
do, too. I go there all the time. I do

think, talking about at least protest, I
think something really positive is

going to come out of this because the
fact that so many white people are also

getting involved in it and so many cops
were vocal saying that they shouldn't do

that. So I think something good is going
to come out of this. I couldn't agree

more. I really do. I do. And I hope so,
too, because it's...

It's been wrong for way too long, and I
also hope that a bunch of other groups

don't use this as a piggyback thing to
then do some other shit, which will then

make people who want things to stay the
same, they'll be able to shift focus

of how they try to make the protesters
and the rioters, the looters, the same

people. Right, right.

Yeah, you did that, and then at night
you did this. No.

Yeah. So, I don't know. They're going to
do it anyway. I think once the looting

died down, you're seeing peaceful
protests that are very encouraging.

I think it's great. I really do. I mean,
that downtown L .A. one was amazing.

50 ,000 fucking people filled the
streets.

And no crime or very little, nothing I
heard of. It was just mostly people

chanting and holding signs.

It looked promising.

Look, the thing that disturbs me is this
idea that they should defund the

police. You can't get rid of the police.
What you need to do is spend more money

and train them better and have higher
standards and do it the way you do the

military where it's very difficult to
get in and you weed people out that are

weak. Like, that guy was a pussy. That
guy leaning on that guy's neck like

that guy's a monster.

There's no way that guy should have ever
been a cop. Yeah, because he knew he

was being filmed too and he just had
no... Yeah, I mean, that's like hands in

his pockets like he was just fucking,
you know, waiting for an Uber or

like that. He's a monster. Yeah. He's a
monster. Yeah.

And that guy had been doing that
forever. You know, there's new evidence

they worked together and they fought.
They argued about the way that cop was

treating the customers.

They worked together at security at the
same club. And that cop was a fucking

asshole to people at the club. And they
argued about it. So they had a personal

issue. And there's some people that
wanted to be elevated to first -degree

murder because of that, that he did it
on purpose.

Oh, he knew? He knew that guy.

Oh, man. I mean it's just – Yeah, they
argued when they worked together

apparently. One of the guys that worked
with them said that George Floyd was

always telling that guy he's a fucking
asshole the way he treats customers

because he would mace people and shit,
that kind of stuff, pepper spray folks.

He just was the first guy to use
violence right away.

Escalate the situation. He had a history
of complaints back to 2006.

My friend Joe Schilling, the kickboxer,
I'm talking about him again, but his

fucking page is the most disturbing page
right now because all he's done over

the last five, six days is post videos
of police brutality.

And it's police brutality on black
women, white women, white old men,

black old men, young guys. It's just
police brutality over and over and over

over again.

There's a problem of racism in this
country for sure.

There's also a real problem with people
that have the kind of power the cops

have that are weak people, that are
sociopaths. And that's as much of a

as any of this. Yeah.

You attack the racism onto it, and
you've got a horrible situation. But

people are psychopaths. They're
monsters.

That guy who did that is a fucking
monster. You know, this reminds me of a

time ago.

Like, I remember talking to a security
guy, and he said the best guys are the

guys that de -escalate it. Yeah.

He goes, you don't because this guy used
to put together crews of guys to I

think it was like rock concerts and
stuff.

And he said, you didn't want to get guys
that wanted to fight.

You didn't want to have those guys
because those guys would be a fucking

headache. And every night there was
going to be something and there was

be lawsuits like what what you what he
was saying you ultimately wanted was

nothing to happen. Yeah.

So I remember because I was joking with
him. I remember a long time ago.

The Grill 93, this old Dick Doherty
room. I remember that joint.

So two guys were about ready to go at it
in the club.

And the bouncer gets them outside.

Okay, and this guy's trying to say his
point of view.

And he put his hand on his shoulder. He
goes, no, all I was trying to do, he

barely went like that on his shirt. And
he goes, okay, first of all, don't touch

me. That's what the bouncer said. And
just immediately it was here.

And then it went to here. And then those
two guys started yelling at each other.

And then within, I don't know what the
fuck, he just.

Twisted the guy up and took him out.

And I forget who the fuck I was with. We
were fucking dying laughing.

It just became a catchphrase between us.
He would come up, hey, Bill, you

working this weekend? Okay, first of
all, don't touch me. You immediately

escalate it where it just becomes a what
the fuck. And then, first of all, don't

touch me.

From 90 % of guys is immediately going
to put you in your ego where it's like,

oh, fuck. Now he's on top of me and I'm
the bitch. I got to at least get a

little get at his eyebrow level. I have
to come back with something else.

It was inevitable. The second he said
that, first of all, don't touch me. I

like the three slide step down because I
learned that young watching fights.

You know, you don't want to have a
really good seat because it's like a

You don't know where it's going to go.
And you think you think you're like 20

feet away.

That met me at a Bruins game, the old
Boston Garden. And it was like one of

those, you know, just everybody smoking.

You probably couldn't smoke in the
garden at that point. I just remember

smoky bars and shit. So we went in there
and everybody was hammered. I was

hammered drinking like fucking Heffern
Reffers. Remember the Green Death,

Like this is like 6 % alcohol.

So like one of those two rows of fans
fighting, which is always great because

like the people that are a row up are
just throwing down. These guys are

pounding. There's always a loafer laying
there, right?

Mike Milbury picking it up. So I
remember the cops ran up there, and I

too to watch the fight. And they started
grabbing guys and coming down the

stairs. And it was the Boston Guard, and
there was nowhere to go. And I just

remember this big cop bounding down the
stairs. He literally had a handful of

this guy's neck. It was like his whole
neck and his jugular. And this guy was –

I just remember.

He was going, try to push me down the
stairs, try to push me down the stairs.

And he came down like, and I was trying
to get out of the way. And I think the

guy who he had grabbed, like his knee
fucking hit me in the back.

You know, I just got caught by the
debris of this guy running by. And

when I kind of learned like, you know,
how to watch your fight, which you watch

a fight and you're looking at your
exits. Because like I said, it's like

don't know where it's going to fucking
go.

And I had learned that lesson. So when I
saw that guy say that, first of all,

don't touch me. I was just like, okay,
sliding over here.

Let some other people settle in in front
of me. I can do, I like doing that.

Yeah, that's the same as if, yeah, you
want to be above, slightly above,

down at all the altercations.

You get a better viewpoint there anyway.

Yeah, I suck at it, dude. I stopped
fighting in like junior high.

That was it. I just, I knew, I mean, I
just knew. I was like, this is not my

thing. I can't slip a punch. I'm slow as
shit.

I got a big head. I got a huge target.

This is not going to go three rounds.
It's just not.

I fought up until like round six grade.
I think I probably had my last one. And

then all of a sudden, kids started to
get 120, 130, 140 pounds, and they

being blood and fucking people missing a
couple days of school after a beatdown.

I was just like, you know what? I'll
kick.

I think I'll be the funny guy.

It's weird how things go sideways like
that when there's a feeling in the air.

Whenever chaos breaks out like that and
it's a real melee, there's a feeling in

the air. It's like you feel it. It's
like, oh, this is nuts.

This is really dangerous.

There's a mob mentality feeling that you
get. It's real weird when things go

crazy. I remember it took me having to
leave.

for about seven years. I was gone for
seven years before I finally walked into

bar and just felt the normal energy.

I think the city changed a lot.

But like that, sort of that tail end of
the craziness. I walked into a bar and

you could just feel it. It's like
somebody's going to get suckered. Not

It's about 90 minutes away. You could
just feel the level of drunkness, the

energy. Well, guys would go out looking
for fights.

Some guys would go out looking for
fights.

There's a guy I used to train with, Mike
Blythe. He used to work at the

Ratskeller. He was a bouncer.

He would wrap his hands.

He would wrap his hands on his way to
work.

I knew a guy.

Tape his wrists and shit.

I knew a guy who was a bouncer and he
used to bring a mouthpiece to work. But

used to carry it all the time. And I
remember when he would get in a fight,

would fucking... It was something where
he would bite down. It wasn't like what

you guys wear.

But it would totally psych the other guy
out. Like he would come out and he

would just put this thing in and the guy
would be like, this guy brought

equipment? Like, what the fuck is going
on here?

And I remember one time he got suckered.

He knew it was going to be a fight. And
I'm thinking, well, for some dumb

reason, he sat down on the stairs and
the guy was standing above him.

And one of his friends jumped down and
just punched him. And I saw the

mouthpiece. It was like fucking Buster
Douglas Tyson.

I saw his mouthpiece fly towards us.

And then just...

I shouldn't tell these stories. Why? I
don't know.

It's my version of... It was a long,
long... You got a name in names?

It was like 30 years ago. And what
happened was we were in an off -campus

apartment.

And I can't believe I'm going to tell
this story.

I'm going to tell the quick version.

Tell the whole version. No.

Two of my buddies left to go upstairs.

It was one of those, you know, those old
fucking Boston...

It looked almost like a three -family
house, but it wasn't. It was one of

big ones that has all apartments in it,
right?

So they left the party we were on on the
first floor, and then they went

upstairs.

And like 20 minutes, they came back. One
of my buddy's shoulders was separated.

The other guy was flat -lipping, and he
had a flat top, too. And maybe he had

this big fucking gash coming right down
here, blood coming down his face.

And we were like, what the fuck
happened? What the fuck happened? He was

we just asked this guy for a drink, and
the whole party started beating on us.

So this whole mob.

goes up the stairs to go fight the
party, right?

And I'm going upstairs like, what the
fuck am I doing with my big fucking

I'm going to get knocked out here.

But I have to go because they're my
friends. So we fucking go up there and

hear the party.

So my buddy, the mouthpiece guy, like
the most innocent boy ever, knocks on

door. He goes, hey.

He's like, is there a party going on in
there? Right? And the fucking door opens

up and it was like a fucking West, Wild
West movie.

Like a saloon fight.

Just fucking haymakers.

I remember, I didn't even want to go in.
I was so scared because I was like, oh

my God, this is going to be fucking
nuts. And just the mob just sent me in.

it was just like, everybody's just
throwing. I remember this dude jumping

my back, punching me in the face, right?

And the smoke fucking clears and it all
settles. You know, it was all like

fucking 15 second melee and it all
fucking settles. And we look at the

there's like six or seven guys.

Six or seven girls, and there's like a
board game that's tipped over, and we

gone to the wrong party.

Swear to God, I know this sounds like a
joke. The real party where they got hit

was upstairs.

And I don't remember what happened, but
they were actually rich kids, and they

sued my friends for going in, whatever
the dumb shit they did. Oh, no. We all

went in to the wrong party.

And they were in there having like a
couples thing, and they were playing

fucking Monopoly or something. And all
of a sudden, there was a knock on the

door. Hey, is there a party?

And then everybody just came fucking
running in.

Get back to them.

That's what I'm saying. No, that's why I
didn't want to tell because I felt

really like, yeah, I felt bad. When I
was in high school.

The first real brawl that I ever saw was
when I was like 17.

I think I was a senior in high school.
And there was a rich kid that moved into

the neighborhood. He wanted to make
friends.

So he put on this crazy party. He just
invited everybody. So kids from all

of different high schools were coming.
That's always good. Yeah, Newton North,

Newton South, a bunch of kids from all
sorts of other places.

And I happened to be at the right place
at the right time when I saw it pop off.

People were already robbing this guy. I
saw people taking stuff out of bedrooms

and running down the stairs with it. It
was real sketchy because there was way

too many people for this guy's part.

But then this girl, I still to this day
don't remember what she did. She either

slapped this guy in the face or she
threw a drink in his face. I don't

I think she slapped him. But what I
remember is he uncorked a perfect right

on her. He knew how to punch.

Like I remember thinking, wow, this
guy's trained because he snapped it.

always the commentator. Listen, I've
been doing it for a long time.

But whatever she did, I'm pretty sure
she slapped him. But he went like this.

I mean, it was a perfect right hand. Hit
her right in the face. Her head goes

back. This guy behind her catches her.
She's totally unconscious.

And then...

Ah, chaos.

Chairs flying.

Bodies piling up. And I'm on the stairs.
So I'm watching this through the

railings. I see the guy punch the girl.
As I'm coming up the stairs, I see it

all play out. I'm like, holy fuck.

And I'm like, I got to get out of here.
And there was piles.

I didn't hit anybody, and nobody hit me.
It was like a movie. Like, excuse me,

pardon me.

Crawling out.

I fucking dodged everything.

Meanwhile.

I was fighting at the time. I was
traveling to tournaments all over the

and fighting. So my friends were looking
for me.

They're like, you know, go get Joe.

And there's piles of people brawling.
And I'm just ducking the piles.

And then I ran into my friend Jimmy. And
I'm like, where is everybody?

And we gathered our friends and got in
the car and drove off. We were laughing

our asses off. But it was like when we
left, the cops were just starting to

arrive. There was piles of kids beating
the shit out of each other on the lawn.

Dude, I remember my friend who separated
his shoulder in that fight. We popped

it back in, and he went back up, threw a
punch with the same arm, and missed.

It came out again, and I remember him
flopping on the ground like a fish out

water. And afterwards, we said to him,
like, dude, why didn't you throw the

other hand?

And he goes, because I wanted this hand
to get its revenge.

Like he had made part of his body like a
karate movie.

Like he had to avenge his shoulder's
death.

And I have to tell you something.

When people talk about, you know, you're
a funny comedian and blah, blah. The

characters that I grew up with and what
I loved about what they did and what

they said was they weren't trying to be
funny. Like he was dead serious.

Yeah.

And then we were driving home hammered.

And we were three abreast in the fucking
pickup truck. It was this

guy's dad's truck.

And he had the flat top, so he's got
dried blood on his forehead. And we're

driving home, and nobody's saying
anything.

And the dude in the middle has got these
sunglasses on.

And he's just sitting there like this.
And then all of a sudden, out of

he just fucking goes like that, scared
the fucking shit out of me.

And I was like, dude, what the fuck are
you doing? And he goes, oh, sorry.

Because I took a little acid.

He goes, I was looking at this bug.

Because I thought it was on the
windshield.

He goes, it turned out it was on the
inside of my glasses.

Now, I don't know if that was true.

But, dude, there's no way you could ever
reenact how much he flipped it. Like,

how much you would freak out on acid if
you thought a bug was over there.

But then your mind told you that it was
on the inside of your fucking glasses.

And I just remember.

All three of us just crying, laughing,
driving home at this.

It's just a whole fucking situation.
That was like every weekend of my life

like probably two and a half, three
years. Every single fucking weekend. And

used to go into this club, this bar in
Chelsea.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, well, dude, I was such a baby
face. That was the only place where he

perked, right? That's a rough place.

Yeah, well, yeah, it was, yeah.

And they were like selling a fucking
blow out of there. So they didn't give a

fuck if you look like you were 12 years
old like I was when I go up to order my

vodka Collins. How old were you?

I wasn't of age, like 19 or 20, probably
20.

And I would go in there, and I just
remember one time standing outside that

and there was this fucking dude who
looked like Rob Halford from fucking

Priest, just fucking totally gacked out
of his fucking mind, standing in front

of his motorcycle.

And he was telling this story about
riding his bike, and this drug thing, he

stuck.

He just kept saying, I'm going around
the apex. I'm going around the apex,

I'm going around the apex right now. I'm
fucking hammered.

And I'm like making fun of the guy in
front of him to my buddy. I'm looking at

my buddy, and I'm so shit -faced. I'm
going, going around the apex.

I'm going around the apex, and he's
hitting me because the guy's staring at

Yeah, no, it was a – and I didn't –
because I never did coke, so I didn't

understand what was going on.

I'm going to leave it at that. I didn't
understand what was going on. But all I

knew was I just seemed to be the guy
that wanted to go home first.

I'll leave it at that. That was a
fucking dangerous place.

Boston was dangerous.

No, this is when I figured out what the
fuck was going on. It was one time I

went into the bathroom by myself to take
a leak. It was one of those things. You

walk in. There was a sink. There was a
stand -up urinal.

And then there was a stall, which just
had one toilet.

And I walked in, and there was two
fucking leg guys in there. And I was

what the fuck are those guys doing?

My dick's already out, and I'm taking a
piss.

And they opened, like, the thing,
because it didn't have a latch, opened

they were doing blow.

And I was taking a piss, because it was
weird. There was two guys in there, and

I kind of glanced over, as I'm already
pissing. I look over, and this guy's all

fucking hammered. A little werewolf's
like, what the fuck are you looking at?

And I was just like, pee, pee.

Didn't wash my hands after that one.

No, there was a lot.

I don't know why.

Because a lot of easy targets really got
hit. And I was beyond an easy target.

And somehow I just never... You got
lucky.

Yeah, I did. I did. Because I would have
got really... I was not as tough as my

friends were. My friends were fucking
lunatics.

My grade was cool. But the grade above
me and the grade below me, they were

some fucking... They were crazy.

But I talked to friends that grew up in
other places.

They didn't have the same amount of
fight stories.

I think Boston is a particularly fighty
place.

Fighty. You know what I'm saying?

I don't know what – yeah, there was
something going on. But I think a lot of

those – like New York and – fuck, this
thing is going out.

A lot of those – like I find the people
in like New England, Long Island,

tri -state area, it's all sort of the
same.

Savages.

Savage children of immigrants.

That's what it is. Yeah, but you go out
to the Midwest, and that's like German,

a lot of Slavic people, Polish people.

So, I mean, that's – I don't know. I
think they just had more space out

so it wasn't as intense. You weren't so,
like, packed in. Yeah, you're in a

cornfield. There's something about
Boston, though, in particular. I think

more so than New York.

Boston was just a lot of fights, man.

My boxing coach got his finger bitten
off on a fight.

He was on PCP. This guy bit his finger
off, and he had his toe removed and

replaced his finger with a toe. Did I
tell you this? No, I remember that was

move back then. So he had it curved
permanently so that he could still throw

right hooks.

So when you would shake his hand, he
would always give you one of these.

Yeah, I knew a guy from Boston, too. He
had this weird -looking nose, and some

guy... It bit it off and had it
reattached. Guys lost ears.

Dude, that's why I'm saying why, you
know, right around sixth grade, I was

like, yeah, this is like becoming blood
sport. Like, I think I'm going to try to

be funny here.

But yeah, there was a lot of, there was
also a lot of, you know, the sports

scene back in Boston is just.

Well, hockey. It was insane.

Well, hockey, though.

Hockey was big in Boston, and hockey is
the only sport that involves actual

fights. It's the only sport where
fighting is a part of the sport.

I'm reading this book right now. I've
got three sports books I'm reading right

now, right? I'd read a few in that line,
and then I'd read a couple chapters

over here, and I'm reading this one
called, Bartnick gave it to me, called

Code, and it breaks down. For anybody
who never understood why there was

fighting, which I never quite understood
either. I just knew I liked it.

And how the players have to police the
game.

I'm not far enough into the book, but
it's really eye -opening, like, what

on out there.

And they have all these enforcers
talking about it. Like, sometimes you

fight. Sometimes guys would just skate
out. They put them out. Just the guy

being out on the ice. Sometimes he'd say
something like,

hey, we don't settle it down out here,
boy. Somebody's going to get hurt.

A guy would just say that. And then
people are like, all right.

Okay. All right. Let's fucking sticks
back down. Everybody play old time

whatever the fuck he was supposed to do.
All -star hockey.

And, um, just as far, and then as far as
like how there's this whole code of,

and there's all these, there's like.

you know, the heavyweights, like a
heavyweight only fucks with a

unless a middleweight is doing some shit
and you gave him a warning and he

didn't, then he has to take a fucking
beating. And if he doesn't take the

beating and turtles up, that means one
of his fucking teammates is going to get

the beating and then he's going to be a
fucking asshole in the locker room. I

mean, it is this whole web of
fascinating shit because everybody just

the sport and they just think, oh, drop
gloves, fucking beat the shit up.

There's a whole fucking thing that is
going on out there that actually,

of that, It keeps the game safer, which
I don't understand.

I don't understand. I don't understand
it either, but I just think it's

fascinating that there's this one sport
where it's okay to fight.

John, what are you talking about? The
sport you do. That's all they do is

But that's the whole sport.

That's the sport itself. But there's no
fighting in basketball.

There's a greed upon fighting in hockey
that doesn't exist in any other sport

where everybody backs off and these guys
go at it. No, lacrosse. You can do it

in lacrosse.

Who the fuck plays professional
lacrosse?

I don't know, but I wouldn't want to say
that. I wouldn't want to say that to

one of them. The big guy. The full
fucking cage. I wouldn't say that. Those

are savages for no reason. What about
the cross -country skiers and all of a

sudden they got a rifle? They're doing
like they're in a gun range.

That's different. That's stupid.

Fucking what is that? That's not the
decathlon. What is that one called?

like Tex -Mex food.

Right. Asian infused fucking Americana.

That's all it is. It's just people. Tex
-Mex.

People are doing their version of cross
-country skiing.

I like that cross -country skiing where
you then shoot. That's like the

beginning of a lot of James Bond things.
You always seem to be in the snow.

Yeah. Well, the whole idea of the
elevated heart rate, it's hard to

shot. Because I think they're supposed
to shoot offhanded, too.

They're not supposed to have a rest.

I know. See, I don't know shit about
hunting, and that's the thing that I

for on the hunting shows.

What? Was when the guys, after the kill.

And then they'd just be like, oh, man, I
was so scared.

And they're just saying all this fucking
shit. I get it if you're shooting like

a lion.

It's a nerve -wracking thing because you
don't want to fuck up.

Because people are going to make fun of
you? No, because you're going to hurt an

animal. You don't want to wound the
animal. You want to kill it. You want to

kill it cleanly.

And you have to keep it together while
you're pulling the trigger on an animal.

You're going to end its life.

It's very nerve -wracking.

Can't you just give them the second one?

Second bullet? Oh, you're saying if he
runs away and then he suffers.

If you nick it, you know, you shoot it
in the leg or something like that, it's

very likely it's going to get away and
die slowly and get eaten by coyotes or

something.

It's really bad. Dude, I got one for you
because you got me watching those

fucking videos.

Which one? Animals eating... First of
all, I love bears, but I can't watch

kill anything because they don't... You
see the recent one? They don't... The

bear took down the buffalo at
Yellowstone. They don't kill it. Why

kill it? Oh, he killed it. Well, they
just... They kill it because they start

eating it before it's dead. Yeah. They
just hold it down. And start eating.

Yeah. That's what bears do.

I got one for you. Okay.

Have you watched the praying mantis'
video?

Oh, yes, I have. Do you see the one
where the praying mantis eats the lizard

tries to eat him?

Well, because he fucking alligator
-armed it.

He was like, I'm going to kill you. He
kind of did the little flicky. He gave

him a little jab, and then that thing
just grabbed him. He was like, ah, what

the fuck? Yeah, he licked at him.

But if he let his hands go, as you guys
say, with his tongue, I think he

could have pulled that thing in and
crushed him. No.

No. A praying mantis is so fucking
strong.

They're so much stronger than you would
imagine them being because they have

these little stick arms.

Yeah. I watched one eat a hummingbird.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They eat all kinds of
shit. They eat everything that they get

hold of. We're lucky they're little.

Praying mantises are amazing.

I fucking love those little things.
They're crazy.

What they can do to a bird or something
much larger than them. The lizard was

the most impressive because the lizard
thought it was going to eat him.

And that thing was totally immobilized.

Yeah. It was like – it reminded me of
watching the – you say, well, he's

his guard. Yeah. Now he's going for
this. That thing was just like, oh. It's

exactly like that because their clamp is
so – it's like if somebody got you in a

darts. It's the same thing. Someone gets
like this grip and then cinches it up

to a darts choke. You're like trapped in
there. That's what it was like. There

it is.

This is poor fuck.

Look, he thinks he's going to get him.
He's like, bitch, you ain't getting

nothing. But look how he holds his mouth
open.

Then he's like.

Oh, dude, I hate... I feel... But this
lizard, he gets away. He gets away for a

second. But this is what's crazy. For a
second?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at... He starts
eating his mouth.

He just starts slowly pulling him apart.
I know what he's doing, Joe. I know

what he's doing. I love it.

Have you ever seen Praying Mantis vs.
the Murder Hornet? You know, everybody's

afraid of murder hornets.

Look at him. He's like, fuck, what did
you do to my face? Oh, Jesus.

He's like in pain. He's shaking it off.
And the praying man is like, bitch, I'm

not done with you yet. Like he's in
agony and he's spazzing around.

And the praying man just locks onto him
again.

And slowly starts pulling him apart.

And at the end, he's dead.

He just starts eating his brain.

Look at that.

They just can pull that skin apart and
bite right through it. But it thinks so

much bigger than him. That's like you
eating a cow.

That's like you holding a cow down. I
wouldn't do that to him. Look at that.

He's eating his fucking brain.

Lizard's dead as fuck.

Well, that part's not a problem for me
right here because now it's dead.

Yeah, but it died this way. I know it
did. That was the part I wanted to

I love it.

I'm a big fan of the praying mantis. I
like the technique.

I'm not going to begrudge what they do.

I don't need to see it. Pull the video
of the grizzly taking down the buffalo.

It was only two days ago. It was in
Yellowstone. It linked me to a 30

video of it just fucking up all sorts of
animal.

Prang Mantis? Yeah. Oh, put that on
there. Oh, by the way, there's so many

fucking people.

Here it goes.

What's he fucking up this one? All kinds
of things.

Leaf bug. What is that? It's a leaf bug,
I think. Oh, wow. What a weird looking

creature. Oh, the Prang Mantis is pink.

He camouflaged himself.

Oh, wow. Now he's the color of the leaf
bug. Yeah, this is a good 10 million

views on this Prang Mantis video.

They're amazing animals, man.

What were you going to say? What were
you mad about?

I wasn't mad about anything. I was just
like.

I love bears, right? Yes. I love when
they ride the bikes at the fucking

I love bears. I love when they ride the
bike at the circus.

This is my thing about that. What did
they have to do to that bear?

When you see what this thing can do to a
bison, what did they do to that bear to

get him to get on a fucking bicycle?

Give him food.

That's how they train him. Is that how
you did it?

You got a bear in the back? Just the
confidence, the way you said that.

I've seen them train them.

I've seen them train bears.

Are you one of those guys who doesn't
need any sleep? Like of all the random

fucking things. This is the one where
the bear freaks out.

Oh, with the whip?

That little whip there?

He's just on a bike.

I don't think he freaks out.

I don't think he's beating the bear.
I'll tell you right now, that guy's not

dressed to get a fucking, to be attacked
by a bear.

No. Well, the bear's got a muzzle on.

And it's a little ass bear. Dude, fuck
you, man.

Fuck you? They got the Freddy Krueger
claws.

He got four of them. He's on a Vespa
now.

Look at that.

Wow. I mean, can you humiliate a bear
even more?

He's got to wear that frilly outfit.

Didn't give him a motorcycle. You're the
one who's a big fan of the bears riding

bikes. I was joking.

Me too. I was joking.

I didn't know. Maybe the bear should
have a mask on. I actually watched a

training video of how, like, where do
you find, what part of the internet are

you on? Well, I don't know. I was trying
to figure out why people, what the

fuck? That guy's got a giant grizzly
bear on the back of his bike. And he's

playing a horn. And he's playing a
trumpet.

Does he got any volume on this trumpet?
Let me hear this.

Back it up there.

Hello?

This person that's filming this is an
idiot.

You think it can't break out of that
seatbelt?

Did you see the bear flipping him off?
That thing has on a fucking lap belt.

Yeah, what is the bear doing?

Imagine. This has got to be Russia,
right?

I mean, it's the only way they would
allow this is in Russia.

Yeah. Yeah, look at the language in the
back of that truck. He's yelling at the

fucking traffic.

Jesus Christ, let's fucking go!

The size of that fucking thing. My God.

Just throwing his arms up, just thinking
about ripping a person apart.

Yeah, he's thinking, like, I used to be
in the woods.

I could fucking eat whatever I wanted.
The weird thing about bears is if you

train them when they're young, they're
almost like dogs.

They become your buddy.

It's weird. The day somebody tells that
bear that it's riding, bitch, that guy's

fucking riding a motorcycle.

It's going to be in trouble. He's riding
on the side cart.

Yeah, he's going to be in trouble.

Remember those sidecars?

Whatever happened to those? You never
see those. A motorcycle with a sidecar.

You ever see the racing?

No, they do sidecar racing. Sidecar
racing. And when they go around a turn,

okay, and it's on the side where the
guy's riding.

The side is lifted up. That guy, he has
to stand up. Dude, they're going like I

don't know how many fucking miles an
hour. He has to stand up and lean over

the way over on this side of the bike
because of the weight of the sidecar. So

it doesn't fall off. So it doesn't.
Yeah.

Go through the turn at a higher speed.

I mean, it's bad enough when you're the
guy in the car with the map. You ever

seen those when they have two drivers?

Yeah, the one guy yelling, turn in 100
yards, left, right, left.

Yeah, those rally drivers, right? I
never understood that. Do you know what

they're doing? They're yelling out
directions of the road, right? But they

notebooks that tell them, like, what's
the next turn, next turn right, next

left. I would guess that the course is
so long that they can't memorize it.

Or maybe it's just through a fucking
town.

No, it must be.

Yeah.

This is a sidecar racing? On the back of
the driver, I believe.

You can see how he moves over there.
Boy, they're going fast as fuck.

They're going really fast.

Oh, my God.

You're the one who turned me on to those
bike races in the Isle of Man.

I was supposed to go to that this year.
Oh, you would be side on the side?

Oh, no.

No, no, no fucking way. No, I planned to
befriend some people in town with a

balcony. Even then, like, God knows some
part of the bike could come flying up.

But I want to go to that before they
outlaw it.

You think they'd outlaw it? Just because
people die every year?

More people have died than years they've
had it.

Whoa. And it's still, like... Look at
these motherfuckers. They are flying.

So more than one person dies every year.

That's what that would mean, right?
Basically average.

Yeah, and I think way back in the day,
way more people died. Like, the safety

equipment is much better. But as you
see, they're going by brick walls and

trees, and, like, there's just no...
Jesus Christ. When you say safety

equipment, like, what the fuck kind of
safety equipment is going to save you

here? Yeah, well, they have an airbag,
which is a really amazing piece of

technology, where as you fall, it can
tell when you've let go of the bike, and

you're falling, like, instantaneously,
and it protects your... Organs?

Yeah, but obviously your brain's in the
fluid, so...

Doesn't protect that.

I tell you, but the best racing out
there, MotoGP, is the shit.

It's better than this?

Well,

I don't know.

Yeah, I would actually say, because I
like the passing. There's so much

Kind of like with Formula One, where the
Mercedes and Ferrari are just so much

better than everybody else. It kind of
comes down to the two of them. And every

year, since I've been watching since
2015, so I'm new to the sport. Italian

right here. Yes, that's DiVizioso, Marc
Marquez, I believe.

You know these guys?

Yeah. Wow.

So Marc Marquez, the guy in second
place, is like, he's the Jordan of the

right.

Davizioso is actually in third. I don't
know who's in first.

So that's a Ducati, a Honda Ducati, and
I think a Suzuki.

Do you ride?

I did for three months out here. I
always wanted to ride. My parents would

let me. So finally out here, I took a
motorcycle safety course.

I got my license and everything. And
then I had a bike for like two months.

LA is not the place to learn how to
ride. And everyone was texting while

driving.

You want to go to Wyoming?

I think I want to get a dirt bike.

But this is the type of shit, like with
this racing, what I like is, like three

or four races last year on the final
lap, there was like two guys that would

pass each other like four or five times.

Like that shit right there.

So then you try to come on the brakes,
the latest on the brakes, but not

overshoot the turn. I mean, there's just
so much shit that's...

You sort of learn as you're watching. I
still don't know shit about it, but

these guys are fucking incredible. Would
you be into going to a track?

Learning how to ride on a track? That
seems like the safest way to do it.

Absolutely. That is the way to do it.
And then wear all of that gear and then

have fun and you can like open up.

Dean sent me a video today. This guy in
a Porsche could go 200 miles an hour,

but he fucking does it on a highway. And
it's just like, you're going to kill

somebody or kill yourself. It's like,
take that thing to the track. Yeah,

do that.

And God forbid you hit some debris.

You know, what's going to happen to your
car? I think there's a lot of people

that buy high -performance shit that
going to a track either is not

it doesn't enter their mind. Like
somebody like myself, like it wasn't

started watching racing, I kind of
learned a little bit about it. I'm like,

there's like a track, you know, out in
the Inland Empire.

You know, there's a day where the
general public can come down or

can pay to rent the track.

And it's kind of like, you know, a lot
of these guys you see driving around in

Ferraris. The only time I ever drove a
Ferrari was I drove one in a track. It

was fucking unbelievable.

Like how hard you could stomp on the
brakes without the thing locking up.

And you're trying to impress the guy
you're riding with. And you think you

want to be like flooring it and blah,
blah, blah. And what you really want to

doing is smoothly going around. The
smoother you go, both, you know, on the

and braking, then it becomes like this
really.

like finesse thing where it looks like
you just grab it by the fucking throat.

And, and you know, like I said, I only
did it one time, but like I immediately

learned that like made me appreciate
what they were doing a lot more. Plus I

only went around five times and my
fucking brain was like the G force.

Like I almost felt a little bit, uh,
like not sick. I just felt a little

up. Like I think I'm going to sit down
here for a couple of seconds, not say at

the end of the guys I'm driving with.
Hey, fine, fine. I could do that all

Jimmy pull up, uh, Porsche rally
driving.

The dirt road Porsche drivers.

Those are the guys that are reading
left, right, left, right.

Right, left. They have like a notebook.
You need a driver next to you that's got

a notebook.

That looks like a lot of fun. Apparently
that's a great way to learn how to

really drive too is on the dirt. Same
with dirt bikes because, you know, you

slide a lot. So you learn how to counter
steer and you learn how to handle the

weight out back. Like as it's kicking
out, you learn how to counter it. I have

this weird thing where I am.

I'm fascinated by machines, and I want
to – everything that I see, I want to

learn how to drive it or fly it or
whatever.

But I'm not a speed guy.

Like, I'm just not into, like – Because
you're smart. Going fast is – I don't

know. It's dangerous. I like chilling.
Yeah, these guys. See the guy with the

book. This is a regular robot. Look how
fucking – so it's got a digital thing

telling him what gear he's in.

And here's what fascinates me is the
trust between those two guys. Oh, yeah.

Like this guy, this guy is driving like
a fucking lunatic and this guy's looking

down at his paper.

You know when your friend starts driving
like a lunatic, you're looking at him

going, dude, dude, slow down, slow down.
This is a road, people and trees and

cars and houses on both sides. This
guy's flying down this fucking road and

going sideways all the time. You see him
counter -steering all the time. We see

his ass end kick out, like all the time.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Oh, my God. And how are these fucking
people that are so confident they can

stand on the side of the road while
these maniacs are fucking – I used to

racing was this stupid mindless thing,
and now I think it's one of the coolest

sports out there. Oh, it's a very cool
sport. It's very – I like driving cars

just – to feel the mechanical, just the
gears moving and all the things that are

happening. I have an old Porsche, a 93,
that's no power steering.

It doesn't have a radio. It doesn't have
anything. That's awesome. And it's all

air -cooled, so it sounds like... It's
really mechanical. Have you ever seen

I'll show it to you after we're done. Is
that that red one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

wish I had the key with me here. I'd let
you drive it. It's fun, but it's not

fast.

It's the slowest car I have, but it's
fun.

It's so fun to drive.

You feel everything.

You feel every bump.

There's nothing between you and the
wheels in terms of steering. There's no

power. You're steering the wheel all by
your hand. It's really hard to steer.

It's not that safe either. You can't
make quick turns. You've got to really

muscle that motherfucker.

Look at these guys.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

But when I drive, look at these fucking
crazy assholes standing by. I like the

guy with the propeller hat. He's just
like, yep, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm

enjoying this, though. Look at the
fucking height, and this guy catches the

ground with two wheels.

Oh, my God. Does it land good? It does
land good. That's amazing.

But I drive that car to the comedy
store. If I want to do, like, if I'm

working on something or I really want to
be jazzed up for a set, I'll take that

car to the comedy store because it's so
loud and fucking smoky.

Everything's like your whole body. You
feel it. You're excited when you get

there. It's like you're a stimulant.

Yeah, I know. It's fun, man. All of that
stuff. I love them. Woo!

Look at these guys. Jesus Christ.

You know, since the last time I did this
show, I got to finally fly an A -Star,

which was what the cops and the news
guys fly. And that was the coolest

A -Star helicopter, we should tell
people.

Is the coolest thing I've ever flown as
far as like just the power

it had compared to what I would. You
know, I fly these little fucking egg

beaters or whatever. But like I did
until all that bullshit happened.

But I got one of the last flights I did.

I got to fly a buddy of mine who was
training me to get my instrument. Like I

passed the test.

And then after you pass the test, you
have two years. So I still have two

I have to December of next year to pass
it.

I got to finish that part of it.

Did we do a podcast since you took me
up?

Have you done one since you took me up?
I think we did. I think we did, yeah.

Did we, Jamie?

Yeah. Fuck, that was fun.

We went over downtown LA and you realize
how many of those buildings have

helicopter spots on the top?

Yeah. That was fun, man.

It's crazy to me that with a helicopter,
you could just kind of go wherever you

want to go. Yeah. Just fucking float
around. Just go wherever you want to go.

You can just stop.

But then what it is is you give up speed
for that design.

It has all kinds of drag in just the way
it's designed for what you want to do

with it. You give up speed. So I get
envious of planes where even if you get

like a Cessna, like they can just fly.

I mean I think even like some of the
smaller ones can fly faster than some of

the faster helicopters. I mean you'd
have to have like an $8 million

Maybe that could fly faster. But
anything that I've fucked with.

You can't come anywhere near – like most
of them, 120, 130 knots, and then it

depends on headwind or tailwind. What's
a knot to a mile an hour? Well, it's

like – it depends on how the wind –
because you can literally be flying 90

and have like a fucking 50 – not what I
fly, but a significant headwind.

This is all shit you have to know on the
test, and the second you take the test,

you fucking – I forget.

But you'll actually be going slower.

I've had times like especially out like
in like Palm Desert and stuff where

there's like a venturi with the way the
mountains are and when the fucking The

wind comes in which can be really
fucking scary as far as how it throws

around You're looking down at the
highway with what I fly and they're

faster than you and you just And then
that's when it sucks because also with a

helicopter you you the whole time you
can't just like take your hands off his

shit so you have to you you're literally
it's like your Porsche like you're You

know, I'm imagining, like, trying to
parallel park that car, even though it's

lighter car.

It's a nightmare. I have a 68 Ford F100.
When I first had it, I didn't have a

power steering, dude, and it was just
light. I mean, I remember when you

that thing through the ice house. That
thing is the shit.

Yeah. I love that old truck.

That's kind of my thing. I like the
trucks, and then I like old, like, not

cars. Like, the guy who is a pimp, but
he's not a pimp.

Like...

You know what I mean? Like, not
literally a pimp. He doesn't have a

bitches, but he's crushing life.

Like, I like that car.

Like, if I was going to get another car,
I would get a 67 Cadillac Eldorado. And

it's actually the color that I loved
that was in the Tarantino movie. But

somebody was selling one, and I swear to
God, by the time I saw the YouTube

video, it was already sold. I would have
bought that fucking car.

It's the most gangster man's car.

Just the back end of that car, it's
perfection.

I absolutely love that fucking car.
That's a beautiful car.

67 Eldorado. Would you get a convertible
or a regular? No, I hate convertibles.

Do you really? All convertibles?

Yeah, I'm a little sexist with the
convertible. There's one convertible

like, the one that I have, the 65
Corvette.

That's a 70. No, no.

What year is that?

It's the car that the woman playing
Margot.

What's his name? Margot Robbie. There it
is. There it is. There it is.

Right there. It looks like it's green
there.

But I think it was blue.

Not that one. No, not that one. Over the
guy with the suspenders. Right to the

left of that.

Right here.

Yeah. That one there? That car.

Oh, wow.

You got to see the back end of that car.

That's a late... The 67... 68 or
something like that. But the back end...

up 67 Cadillac Eldorado rear end.

This is what I do while you're learning
how to train a fucking bear to ride a

bicycle. I look at this shit.

Oh, wow.

Click on that first one. Click on the
first one. We see a little bit of the

of the car. I mean, look at that. That's
beautiful.

That is beautiful. You need one of those
in your life, Bill. I do. I need you

driving one of those. This is what I
love about my wife.

I'll show her that. I go, what do you
think about that? She's like, that's a

fucking good looking car. And she would
be cool if I got something like that, I

think. For sure.

Yeah. But look at that color. I'm too
fair -skinned to drive that. You need

olive skin or more.

You could pull it off. You could pull it
off. You need one of them paperboy

hats, though.

No, that thing would blend too much in
with my beard.

I'd just look like it'd be the ginger
mobile.

What color would you get?

There's a year they got – there's a blue
that they have.

It's not that blue. It's more of a...
Oh, look at that red one. Click on that

red one in the middle.

But look at the front end of that. When
your lights are flipped down, look at

that thing. Oh, my God. Look how good
that looks in red.

That's a fucking beautiful car.

Oh. But the lines on that car, that's
just like... And then that's the kind of

car... I mean, you're not going to smoke
a cigar driving down the street riding

that fucking thing. You have to.

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

I think I'm going to get one.

Get one.

I know. Where am I going to put it? Then
I'm going to be that guy with the

fucking garage. Put it here.

You can park it here. I'll give you a
key.

I got plenty of room. Hey, all right.

Dude. This is why you're the number one
podcast in the world. I'm trying to help

people.

I'm trying to encourage irresponsible
behavior. And if you continue to own

podcast, you can buy something like
that. And if you don't, your fucking

will buy that.

Yeah, I love them. I love Cadillac
convertibles too, though. I don't like

car convertibles after a certain – like
mine.

That Corvette that I have out there,
you've seen that silver one? Yeah. I

that in a convertible. But that has the
aftermarket suspension and aftermarket

frame. I've seen all those cars.

The fact that the old one, the frame,
it's too much.

It's too much shake and wiggle. You have
to have like an aftermarket chassis.

It's far stiffer. They make it so that
it's like very, very rigid. It doesn't

bounce around nearly as much. Yeah, then
they used to make like a sway bar or

something that you would put in there.
Because I know in my truck, when I take

turn, I have to grab underneath the seat
and hang on so I don't slide into the

door.

They can upgrade your coil overs and
stuff like that and put a better

on it. I have a nice balance of – a
little bit of modern on it and still

fighting it. So you feel like, cause it
still shifts on the column, which I

think is bad -ass. But then when I get
on the highway, I got to stay in the

right lane, you know, three on the tree,
right? Yeah.

Do you have disc brakes on it? Did you
swap disc brakes out? I had, uh, it, it

had, it had just the shoes on it and
then the drum brakes. Yeah. And then I,

converted those.

Christopher Titus helped me with those.

And, um, then what did I do after that?

I switched out the radiator because they
tended to run hot, so they put an

aluminum one in.

And what else did we do to it? Power
brakes and then power steering.

Tied it through to have a sweet, I think
it was a 55 Chevy that they made for

him on the show Rides.

It was incredible.

Oh, that Chip Foose car, right? Yeah, I
think Chip Foose made it, yeah.

It was incredible, though.

I don't know if he still has it. He
might have lost it when he got divorced

all that jazz.

No, I think he got it back. Did he? I
think he got it back. But I like those.

Christopher Titus. I like those Restomod
cars. It's sort of the perfect. There

it is. There it is. Look at that fucking
thing. Yeah, it's pretty wild. That is

a work of art.

God, it's beautiful. It's all very
modified, too. 56 Bel Air custom.

Go down, Jamie, into that one on the
left hand right there with Titus right

there. I think that's him.

Yeah, look at that.

Fuck. I mean, that's a badass car.

Fuck.

That is incredible.

Yeah. That car is incredible. Like, when
do you, like, look at that or drive

that and not smile?

Yeah. That's what I, I, I, I don't know.
I, I like also, I, I'm into those cab

over engine fucking trucks. I like weird
shit. What's a cab over engine? What is

that? Look those up. Those are, those
were the truck, um.

40s and 50s, and the reason why they had
that was there was some weird law where

they didn't want trucks to get too long.

So then that affected the... So they
kept the tractor -trailer long, and then

they put the engine... Cab over engine
is what it stands for. Oh, so the

engine's below you while you're sitting
there. Yeah, so if you look at some of

the ones that people have fixed up,
they're fucking wild. That is wild. Look

that thing. Yeah.

Wow.

But the thing is, if you do a gig in,
like, Wyoming, you can find an all

-original one just, like, sitting in,
like, junkyards and shit.

Look at that fucking thing. God damn,
that's beautiful. Like, I always wish,

like, one of those car shows, like, Fast
and Loud, the ones that I've watched

throughout the years, I always wish that
somebody would do one of those.

I had that guy on the podcast. He was
awesome.

Yeah. He brought his own tequila. Oh,
there's another great one from when I

a kid. That yellow one down, that's a
Ford.

Yep. I love those because that was,
like, the fire engines looked like that

thing.

But it's like, what would you do with
it? Drive around.

Take it to the store.

It's for sale. Gateway Classic cars. I
know. But that's like the dumb shit. I

like those. You like those kind of. The
GMC RV from Stripes. And you got to do

it in the Palm Desert fucking, the Ron
Burgundy green.

You like very odd.

Yeah, well, at first I think you're into
Mustangs and you're into fucking like

the GTOs and the ones you're supposed to
like.

Yeah. And then I'll ignore what you just
did there. We're done.

And then, I mean, look at that. You got
to get the interior on that fucking

thing. It's a Scooby -Doo mobile.

That's the mystery mobile.

No, they had a van.

Okay, click on the one.

You're on the right, the lower left, all
the way to lower left from the cluster

on the right.

Yeah. Is that it?

Click on that fucking thing. No, that's
not it. Is that one there?

No.

Which one do you want?

It's the one. It's the best green one
they have. Just click. There it is. Look

at that.

And inside, it looks like a Ron Burgundy
suit. Like it's the green plaid type

shit.

Get a little humidor in there. Drive
around. Do some fun. Look at that. I

look at that. Come on, man. That's the
fucking shit.

So you like those old cars, like GTOs
and Firebirds. I like all of those, but

what I don't like about them is the baby
boomers like them, and they have a

zillion dollars. So then all of a sudden
it's like, you know, this is a Mustang

Shelby. I'm going to start the business
at $250 ,000.

It's like, oh, fuck yourself.

So I like...

You know, I like a 65 Ford Galaxy.
That's what Frank Murphy, season four,

episode family, that's what he drives.

I like station wagons. Have you ever
seen those Icon Thriftmasters? Do you

what that is?

Jonathan Ward, the guy from Icon, he
takes an old Thriftmaster and redoes it

completely from the bottom up. It's the
fucking most incredible car. It drives

like a car, but look at that. It looks
insane.

Look at that thing.

And they do it from the bottom up. So
it's all like modern brakes, modern

suspension, beautiful interior. That's
what I love. But then when you go

I want it to look like the year that
that truck was. Look at that silver one.

The one right above your cursor. Yeah,
look at that.

Fucking A.

Actually, I looked at one. I
accidentally came upon that one. God,

beautiful. I got another one. It's a
weird one. Look up GMC. I always forget

name of these things.

Parade of Progress.

That's what it's called?

They would drive these things like
elephants into town. They were like a

room, giant like truck slash RV thing.

What the fuck are these things called?

There you go.

That thing? Look at that fucking thing.

What the fuck? How do you even know
about this?

So the great thing is you open the door
and there's like a spiral staircase

where you...

You go up, and in there, what they
usually had was back in the day, because

would open it up on the side. They would
drive them in like elephants and make

like a semicircle, and people would walk
in.

What is that?

I don't know what they have in there.

Yeah, that's an airplane engine or
something. Why is there an airplane

the middle of that? I don't know,
because somebody... Oh, they customized

Power for the air rage. I think it was
this weird sort of after World War II.

See, there they are in the black and
white. There they are, like, driving

into town.

How? And look at the steering wheel. You
were right in the center, and there was

like a little spiral staircase that you
walked up.

God. Because those things go for like, I
forget how much, like two, three

million bucks or something.

Oh, that's 1936. It says Parade of
Progress, so it shows you what I know.

at that motherfucker.

Yeah, that's just weird. Holy shit.

That's what you want. One of those, a
rolling podcast studio.

No, that shit is too weird, but I
appreciate it.

Like, well, you know that old BMW
where...

The whole front of the car opens up and
you got the steering wheel like goes

out, like disconnects and goes out with
the front. I haven't seen that one.

All right. It would help if I knew the
names of the cars.

The steering wheel disconnects? Mm -hmm.

BMW.

I didn't know Steve Urkel had it in
Family Matters. That's all I know about

That's it? Yeah.

Look at this.

So how you get in is you like open the
front.

Oh, yeah. Click on the red one. There it
is. Yeah.

Whoa. Then there's the steering wheel.

Oh, does it disconnect?

There's something weird. No, it seems
like the steering wheel stays put, but

looks like it disconnects.

Well, maybe, like, it adjusts and comes
back. You enter through the front. So if

you get in a front -end collision,
you've got to kick the windows out to

of the car.

Yeah, and it's three -wheel, too.

There's one wheel. Look at Urkel.

Urkel. I forgot about Urkel.

Well, his came off in the car. I met him
one time. He's, like, the coolest

fucking guy ever. I heard he's really
nice.

I guess it bends over there to see how
it's turned.

Down to the side. Oh, it bends, and then
you step over it. Whoa.

Yeah, I knew there was something.

There was something about the steering
wheel. Yeah, there's a lot of weird shit

out there. But you like weird stuff.

You're not necessarily, like, you have
an aversion to cool things.

No, it's like if you get into music, if
you really get into a band.

Like, if you're into ACDC, can you
really listen to You Shook Me All Night

again?

Okay. You're like, no, dude, you got to
listen to what's next to the moon. Get

it hot. Some of them, you know, or like,
uh, COD.

Like, I like after a while, you're just
like, all right. You know, like I would

say shook me all night long is the
Mustang GT of ACDC songs.

And it's just like, if you're out here,
there's a zillion Mustangs, but it's

like you, after a while you want, you
want to see, you know, part of human

beings. You want something a little bit
different. It's a little different. It's

cooler. Like I kind of learned from fast
and loud that the, um, Was it the Ford

Falcon or something? It had the same
chassis as the fucking Mustang.

But like it's just a way cooler car
because everybody goes for like the

You want to spend all that money and
then some other fucking asshole shows up

and he has one too?

That doesn't bother me.

Bugs me.

It's like when you're in a comedy club
and then even if somebody just touches

the topic, you're like, I can't talk
about that. Yeah.

I get that. Because then it becomes
like, oh, they all do that. I get that.

there's a reason why everybody loves
Mustangs.

I love them too. But I have this weird
thing where I love the interior up to

but I like the back end on 60.

67, 68. Yeah, I like that back end. But
that's when they got the steering wheel.

Like the steering wheel and like.

In the 60s, it looks like an old -school
steering wheel. And that one that they

have in 67 or 68 was when they first
came out with that one. That one starts

look like, oh, cars are going to get
ugly now quickly.

The last muscle car that I like that I
vividly remember like the last year

probably be the 70 Camaro with like that
shark nose front, too. Oh, yeah.

I like that. And then there's a few.

There's a Buick Riviera, the Boattail
from the early 70s that I like.

I'm really into those big two -door
sedan sort of like, you know, he's his

man kind of car.

Oh, yeah. I love those cars. I fucking
love those cars. And, you know, I'm

trying to think. Like, there's a few
cars in the 80s that really tapers off,

though. But I like Ford trucks right up
into 86.

I didn't like when they did that first
design of the aerodynamic headlights. I

didn't like. But then there was one in
the early 90s.

The one OJ had, that front end on his
Bronco, that one is the shit.

Yeah, I saw one yesterday.

Exactly like OJ's.

Totally restored.

I like muscle cars up into 71.

71 seems like the last year.

71 Barracuda is still a really nice car.

Then it gets into 72, they start looking
sketchy. 73, they look sketchy.

The worst thing was they kept the model
name and then it was just completely de

-balled. Yeah.

Like when your friend starts going out
with just some total cunt and all of a

sudden he can't hang out anymore.

Like there was that era.

You know, the Mustang II Cobra. Oh,
yeah. Once they got into the 80s with

Mustangs, they were useless.

Late 70s, early 80s. Once the gas crisis
hit, they started making economical

Mustangs, Mustangs that didn't eat so
much gas. They were useless.

It's a hard fall.

If you go from 67.

to 77 it's like what the fuck happened
to you then also the mustang got all fat

like the mach one and everything it just
it was like kind of got into its elvis

years you know hey i'm the mustang i'm
resting on my laurels here well there's

no pizzazz to them you know like late
late 70s 79 mustang there's no pizzazz

this is how bad it went it became so
quickly if you watch like the remember

had a game show network i used to love
that because i i was in fascinated with

prices

You know, and like they would be like
like they actually tried to pass off a

Chevy Vega as a sports car. And these
people were losing their minds. And I

remember the Chevy Vega, like a lot of
like, you know, guys who knew shit about

cars back in the day, they would try to
like jam Corvette engines into because

they couldn't afford a Corvette. So they
but they knew about, you know, how to

build cars and stuff. So they were real
light, too.

Yeah, there was always somebody had one
of those like an El Camino up on block.

Yeah, I'm going to finish that someday,
man.

Yeah, and El Camino is a rare breed of
person that wants a pickup truck that's

fucked a Chevelle.

That's really what it is.

It's like a Chevelle front end. It looks
good in the front, and then you get to

the back, like, oh.

And then the early, the 80s. Look at
that. Look at that Vega. Yeah, that was

considered sporty.

That was back before girls had butts.

Well, girls with butts didn't get put on
TV.

Isn't that funny?

Yeah. That's another amazing thing. What
happened when we realized? Was it Sir

Mix -a -Lot?

What woke us up? Yeah. He made the ass
mainstream.

I'm going to give him credit.

Might have been.

Before that, who else was it?

It was all about tits. Yeah.

White guys were running shit, and it was
about tits.

I don't know why. It was all about
titties.

Something happened.

Something happened, and it became, asses
became.

really important but then i think like
yeah because now the fake ass i think is

probably more prevalent than the fake
tit like remember by the 90s was like

of the apex of the fake titty you'd
watch porn and the tit almost looked

bloodshot there'd be like veins on the
side like they'd stretch the skin you

oh yeah that was really bad that was a
really bad fat bottom girls before that

Yeah. I don't think.

I don't think. Yeah, they didn't. He was
still Freddie Mercury printing around

in the video, I think. Yeah.

Good song, though.

Yeah. What was it?

Like, who was, like, it wasn't Jennifer
Lopez.

Well, God bless him. God bless him.

Because I was always an ass man.

Always. I just felt like that was the
nucleus of a woman. If she had a nice

the rest of her body was going to be
nice. I didn't give a shit. He got a cup

tasty drink.

They won't be hanging on your fucking
knees when I'm 50, bald, smoking a

doing a podcast.

It's weird, though, that the shape
caught on.

It's very strange what guys are
attracted to changed.

Well, I think because white people were
so dominant with fucking owning

everything that their idea of beauty
became.

The standard and just generally
speaking. Right, but white guys' idea of

changed too. That's what's strange.

I would say it's somewhere Yo MTV raps.

Somewhere around there.

I'm just making up shit. Somewhere
around there. I'm going to give Ed Lover

the other Dr.

Dre credit.

I think it happened around the same time
girls lost their pubes.

Because when we were in high school.

Everyone had pubes. Even in college,
everyone had pubes. The apex of pubes

the 70s.

Yeah, but in the 80s they had it too.
But you were proud of your pubes. In the

70s? In the 70s. Yeah?

Dude, I remember like you'd go to the
fucking public pool and the chicks had

like the, it was like shit coming out
the side.

I remember thinking when I was a little
kid, like, oh my God, you can see your

pubes.

Yeah, pubes were hot.

Now pubes are disgusting. There was
muffs.

Yeah, if you're a girl and you got a
full bush now, you're a dangerous woman.

But then I would say that that was
probably Dr.

J and the ABA crossing over made women
proud of their muffs.

What?

There's no research. We just started
talking.

Just making this up.

There is a clear shift that happened.
It's just like what happened? What made

that clear shift? Porn caused the people
to get rid of the pubes.

That definitely would happen because
porn led the way. They trimmed the pubes

first and then everybody trimmed the
pubes. Then it went too far.

Yeah, now no one has pubes. No, then it
went too far, yeah. Too far. You're like

a little bush.

Yeah, I would like – yeah, you should
look like a woman. Yeah, yeah.

Not like a cancer patient.

Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, if you're banging me, I'm just
happy.

Happy you showed up. God bless you. Take
it on for the team. You can find beauty

in everything.

But when I was a kid, I mean, everyone
had pubes.

It was a thing.

That's a weird moment in our culture
that we all just thought pubes are

disgusting.

I think more that they need to be
maintained.

Yes. If there's going to be a camera an
eighth of an inch from it.

And then.

Gynecological.

Yeah.

So. So what's this movie you did?

I did this movie. It's called The King
of Staten Island.

Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson.

Look at your mustache.

Hell yeah. Oh, you need one of those in
your life. Why don't you grow one of

those?

Keep it.

It was really annoying to eat with
because Club Soda Kenny told me –

was the guy I was saying, am I doing
this right here? Because there's a whole

way to grow it where it's like he goes,
all right. He goes, if you're going to

do the cop fireman one, he goes, the
hair has to go over your top lip.

And Kenny had all these great old IDs
from when he was a cop.

What is this movie about?

It's –

Sort of autobiographical of Pete
Davidson's life where he's playing a kid

dad is a firefighter who died in a fire.
It's not 9 -11 like Pete's real dad.

And it's basically his mom hasn't dated.

They just sort of froze, which I think
is something that kind of happened in

family. And then all of a sudden his
mother started dating and it was weird

him. So basically his mother.

You know, through whatever circumstances
I want to ruin it, I end up meeting her

after me and Pete, you know, his
character. I don't like it. And I'm

his house to fucking yell or whatever.
And then I see his mom played by Marissa

Tomei. And then all of a sudden, you
know, you know, we click or whatever. We

start dating, whatever. And then he
fucking hates it. And the comedy ensues.

But, you know, it's got a lot of heart.
You know, it's not 100 percent comedy.

But.

Yeah, Marissa Tomei, Dom Lombardozzi,
Steve Buscemi. No, it's streaming

everywhere except Netflix. It's going to
be like – it's like that movie, that

kid movie, Trolls. Whatever they did is
what – Universal is doing with this one,

where it's going to be anywhere where
you can stream movies and stuff. So it

supposed to be in the movie theater.

It was going to be in the movie theater,
and then all of this stuff happened.

So then people who make movies are
deciding, are we going to hold on to

this stuff, which they're doing with
some movies.

This thing, fortunately, they're going
to put out. There it is. Apple TV,

Verizon, YouTube, Google Play, Amazon
Prime.

Basically, why wouldn't Netflix hop on
board with this? Come on, Netflix.

I don't think it's a come on Netflix
thing. I think eventually it'll probably

end up there. But I think first they do
this. This is the way they're going to

get their box office, I guess. You get
it on Microsoft. How many people are

buying movies on Microsoft?

You'd be surprised.

I would be. That's why I'm asking.

There would be. I would think.

That's such an easy answer.

You'd be surprised.

That was like a political answer. I had
no answer for you. Let the record show.

Many people are buying it on Microsoft.

Yeah. Do you think this is a good thing
that movies are being forced to stream?

I kind of like it.

I mean, I don't want movie theaters to
go under, but I do like the option of

being able to watch a newly released
movie at home.

Yeah, I think everything's going to
adapt, but I don't think the movie

is ever going to go away because I still
enjoy going to the movies. It's a way

to get out of the house. You get a
sitter.

You reconnect with your wife. That's
right. We're friends.

Popcorn. This is fun. All of a sudden,
your jokes come back. Right. You're

having fun.

Anytime I hang with my wife, if we get a
couple days away, it's the magic.

Instant. Instant comes back. And then
when we get back to the house, it's like

the grind again. We just start laughing.

We got to remember. We got to remember
those two days. So the key is to have

those two -day little things enough that
you don't forget it so you don't start

fucking growing apart.

Do you guys do date nights?

Yeah. Yeah. I had date nights with my
wife and we were doing them when I was

the store all the time when comedy was
up. I was doing them on Saturday night

because she didn't have to get up early
in the morning for the kids, take the

kids to school because she could be
rested and refreshed.

Didn't have to go to school the next
day. So didn't have to get up on Sunday.

So it was a good day. So I just would
take Sunday off and stand up. Yeah. We

date nights. And this is the thing. As
much as women seem impossible to guys,

especially someone like me with all my
fucking issues, It's like just something

like that does wonders for your
connection.

And then we also had like once a week we
were doing like before we got pregnant

again, we were doing a family dinner.

And that was the best. And what we were
going to was a bunch of like just mom

and pop places in like the valley and
out in Pasadena and stuff like that.

places that are just, you know.

legendary in you know in that area but
they don't have a chain so it's cool

because you feel like you're giving you
know regular people money and business

and we would go there and when like that
was a big thing when i was growing up

before you had all these screens and all
of this shit going out to dinner with

your family yeah i remember being
excited they used to have this chain and

Remember Pewter Pot?

Yeah. They basically, they made muffins.
Somehow they were a chain that made

muffins and then they expanded into
having full dinners. And everything was

out of wood. It was very like 70s. And
that was like a big thing.

My dad came, we're going to Pewter Pot
tonight.

And you were like, psyched.

And I would always get whatever, like
cheeseburger and fries and then a

blueberry muffin.

Such a weird order. But I was a kid and
you wouldn't get fat. It was fucking

awesome. So I want my kids to...

have a little bit of that sort of, I
don't know, I'm probably romancing it,

I think it's...

Because it was for my childhood. But I
think it's an important thing to do shit

like that. Yeah, I'm a big fan of mom
and pop restaurants. There's a place we

used to go to in Woodland Hills called
Brandywine.

And the owner, Peggy and Chris, the
owners, the female owner was the

chef and the male owner was the maitre
d'. And they were a married couple.

They'd been together forever.

And when we met them, they were
probably, I want to say.

In their 70s, like pretty deep in their
70s. They were already fairly along.

Pretty far down the road there. And then
they eventually sold the place.

They sold the place. It was sad.

And then some new people bought it, but
I think it went under now.

But it was a great little place, a small
place. It didn't seat very many people.

Do you know how I get over that sadness?

I get over it because that shit really
used to depress me.

What I look at was like, you know, when
they opened this restaurant and they

were young, there was old people that
were upset about whatever they cleared

out. And it just happens, you know what
I mean?

Well, I was just upset that I couldn't
see them.

You know, I just enjoyed their company.
It was always, you know, we had been

going there for 10 years. It was one of
those places. Well, what I do is I take

the humanity out of it, Joe.

A cycle of life. Yeah. It's just like
the praying mantis and the lizard. I

dude. I tell you, this fucking, this
fucking, this whole quarantine

thing really, like.

I never realized what a fucking idiot I
am. Jesus Christ. Yeah, you're telling

me this.

Everything I'm doing, why the fuck did I
just do this? Why did this need to

fucking be on here? You wanted to. Why,
Joe? No big deal.

You're a clean freak or something.

Look at me. I'm cutting up his ashes
like it's coke.

That takes me back to Chelsea, going
around the apex.

I have a cocaine memory from, I never
did coke, but of this lady doing it. I

coming home from Kelly's Roast Beef. Joe
Rogan on coke. Wow. That's what I'm

saying. I'm smart enough to realize it's
not for me. Well, what about me? Yeah.

I can snap on weed.

I don't need to be doing coke.

We eat an espresso and you're ready to
fight.

We were driving back from Kelly's Roast
Beef. Do you remember Kelly's Roast Beef

from Revere? Yeah. Great. You know
what's so funny? I don't think I ever

there. Really? I drove by it a million
times. I was going by Cappy's Liquors on

the way up to the Kowloon. Kelly's Roast
Beef was great.

Remember Cappy's Liquors? Yeah, I do.
Yeah, near the Kowloon. Yeah, you drive

there.

Kelly's Roast Beef had clams, too.
Didn't they have clams? Those fried

That was one of those places I meant to
get to. I always meant to get to that

and then that steakhouse with the giant
cactus.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm going to
eat.

What the fuck was that place called?
Hilltop. Yes.

And I was going to eat there someday.

I always ask my, I just love the cows,
the fake cows out front.

And we were living on the North Shore
then. So we would drive my dad into work

and we would always go down Route 1 and
we would go by that. And I would think

like, you know, and there was also a
hockey rink up there that had a Bruins

emblem that they were allowed to use
before like all the.

The corporate people were like, you
can't use our logo. So that Bruins

and I was convinced that's where the
Bruins practiced.

I went to Hilltop Steakhouse once, and
it was, for some reason, I have it

connected in my mind with a boxing match
that was on TV because I was so bummed

out.

Sugar Ray Leonard fought Terry Norris.

I know that name, I should say. Terry
Norris was a monster.

So was Sugar Ray when he was in his
prime. But he got older and he fought

Norris. And Terry Norris was a fucking,
just a demon. He was so good. And Sugar

Ray just had no business fighting him.
And I remember eating food, just being

bummed out. Just thinking, fuck, is this
just what happens to all these guys?

Like, they all decide.

They all decide, one more fight, one
more fight. Let me do it. And he came

and beat a few. See if you can find
that. Can you imagine if your body broke

down in round 35? You couldn't do stand
-up anymore? You'd definitely try to go

for one more set. Yeah, but it's
different.

It's different. It is. I thought it was
the same. You're right.

It's different. Terry North was in his
prime, and he was just so fast and

And Sugar Ray was just... I want to say
he was like 38 or something like that. I

don't know how old he was, but it was
hard to watch.

Yeah, but that's not something when I
think of Sugar Ray Leonard I don't

I mean, what about that division he was
in? Oh, my God.

Hagler, Hearns, Duran, and Leonard.

Well,

he fought Hagler long.

I mean, he came back and fought Hagler,
and then Hagler retired after that one

loss. He's just like, I'm good.

But it was just watching Terry Norris.
Yeah, he went to Italy and started

movies. Yeah, hilarious movies. I got a
buddy of mine that is convinced that

fight was fixed by the Italian mob, and
then his payoff was they gave him a

movie career in Italy. It might be true.

Your buddy might be right. There's
something about it that I've watched.

like, man, it almost looks like Hager's
taking something off of his punches.

I just don't see him doing that. I don't
see him ever doing that. But I also

didn't see him retiring like that. I
think he might have gotten fucked.

on a decision on that fight. Because
that fight, I really felt, could have

I was such a Hearns, I'm a Hagler fan.

And I also, what about Tommy Hearns?
Being as tall as he was, but could make

that weight.

When he fought Sugar Ray, I think he was
only 22.

And he was 147.

Sugar Ray stopped him after Angelo
Dundee gave him that speech in the

You're blowing it, kid.

Remember that? I'll never forget that.

You know the one that I remember? One of
the greatest.

Ones I saw a corner guy was that
Corrales Castillo fight. Oh.

And when he gets in the corner and he'd
been knocked down for like, I don't know

how many times, kept spitting out his
mouthpiece and they took away a point or

something. He goes into his corner and I
remember his manager or whatever he

called the guy is in the corner. He
goes, you better fucking get inside now.

I don't even know what that means.

I forget he said that. And then this
fucking guy, Charlie Murphy, rest his

told me about that fight.

He's like, Bill, you got to see this
fight. He goes, I woke up my whole

It was a wild ass fight. And he
actually, Charlie, he was such a funny

He hurt his foot.

That's how much he was into it. Like
when he came back after getting knocked

down and then knocked out the other guy.
I always forget Corrales Castillo.

Corrales is the guy who won that fight,
right?

Well, they fought more than once, I
believe.

Diego Corrales.

Yeah, he's the guy. And he died on a
motorcycle, I think, right? That's what

was going to say, yeah.

Terrible. I'll tell you an underrated
fight.

This is back when I had time. I used to
watch this shit.

It was Evander Holyfield versus Michael
Doakes.

Oh, yeah. Do you remember that fight? I
remember that. That was a great one.

That was a great fight.

Holyfield had so many great fights.

That guy was a warrior. Is.

Yeah. He's coming back.

Do you know that?

I don't want to see that. He's training.

Mike Tyson's training. They're both
training.

In their 50s.

Yeah, here it is.

Michael Doakes.

Yeah. I mean, it's just amazing how much
longevity Holyfield had.

And Holyfield started as a
cruiserweight. I remember when he beat

Muhammad Kawi for the cruiserweight
title and then gained all this weight to

up. I remember when he was a
cruiserweight in the 80s when I was

was young and all that shit. I was like,
that's...

That's the body I want. That's what I'm
going for. Of course, I couldn't get it,

but I was like, that's the shape I want
to be in. How stupid would I look if I

fucking looked like that? Oh, you look
amazing. Going on stage, telling jokes.

Just wear something that covers it up a
little bit.

What, a poncho?

Going out with a big square body.
Outlawed Josie Wales.

Yeah. Outlawed Josie Wales poncho.

Yeah, you flip it over and you got a mic
and you take it out.

Yeah,

oh my God, this is round 10. Look at the
people standing up. I mean, this shit

was just... Oh, man.

Now watch those.

Oh, right hand, that's it.

They stop it. That was it.

Richard Steele was the same guy that
stopped Julio Cesar Chavez and Meldrick

Taylor with like two seconds left to go
in the final round.

When Meldrick Taylor was up on the fight
and Julio Cesar Chavez dropped him,

Meldrick Taylor got up and Richard
Steele was like, are you ready to go on?

Dude, he has more muscle in his trapeze,
whatever the fuck that's called, than

traps I have in my whole fucking body.

He was a specimen.

Holyfield was a specimen.

What's interesting about Holyfield, too,
he was like the first guy that ever

really put weight on successfully.

Like he had this crazy strength and
conditioning program that he did to go

heavyweight where, you know, he was
fairly thin when he was a cruiserweight

started lifting weights. And lifting
weights back then, most people thought

lifting weights was terrible for you.

There was a lot. That was a big thing in
basketball. Don't lift weights. It's

going to fuck up your shot. They thought
you were going to like. Send the ball

past the rim. Well, you know what it is?
It's from being stiff and sore.

When you're stiff and sore, it does fuck
you up.

It fucks you up with boxing. It fucks
you up with everything. But it's a

of doing it correctly so that your body
recovers enough so that when you

actually fight, you're not stiff and
sore, but you have all that extra

This is great, by the way. Cars, fights,
cigars. Cigars. Men stuff. Come on.

Yeah. I love it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, that era of boxing, man, those
were the golden era when we were kids.

My God, you know, ABC, Wide World of
Sports, get up and watch the fights.

Yeah, I remember watching the Leon
Spinks, Muhammad Ali. They showed it on

It must have been a replay.

I remember watching that and just kept
thinking Muhammad Ali was going to come

back. It was the one that he lost
against Leon Spinks.

I also remember the Mike Tyson.

uh michael spinks fight and i remember
the pizza didn't even get there and i

remember my buddy was all excited dude
my dad ordered the fight and they had

just finished their basement and we went
downstairs and we were sitting there to

watch it it was over in like 90 seconds
yeah and i just remember my buddy got

off the couch and he was on all fours
like an inch from the tv just screaming

what the fuck what the fuck because we
didn't understand there wasn't the

education mainstream education of what a
body blow did to you. So unless

somebody got hit in the head and their
mouthpiece went flying, we didn't

understand because that last shot was a
hook to the body. And you didn't

understand, like, literally their
internal organs just slammed to the

of their rib cage. You didn't understand
that that was happening. Here it is.

Here's the whole fight.

Yeah, this was an amazing, amazing
moment because Spinks was another guy

went up from light heavyweight, beat
Larry Holmes.

and then became the heavyweight champion
and then was fighting Tyson. Yeah, we

were yelling at Spinks' jinx because we
were rooting for Tyson, but we wanted to

see a fight.

Spinks had a good right hand, but you
could see he's paralyzed here.

I mean, he's fighting a guy that's so
much bigger than him, and he's getting

smashed. Mike Tyson was just such a
force of nature at the time.

Spinks just really had no business
fighting legitimate heavyweights. He

Larry Holmes, and Larry was past his
prime.

And, you know, he beat Larry by
decision.

Oh, I thought he beat him bad. No. Oh,
no, you know what I'm thinking of was

time Holmes fought Ali.

Yeah, that was bad. And he was looking
over at the ref like, what the fuck, are

you going to stop this? That was bad.

People to the end of Larry Holmes'
career didn't appreciate him because of

They loved Ali so much. So you heard him
with his right hand here, and then he's

swarming on him.

I remember seeing this video of Muhammad
Ali promoting.

Here it is right here.

Boom, body shot. He goes down.

Spinks gets up.

Referee gives him an eight count.

He says, I'm fine.

Oh, I thought he went down on that one.
No, that was a body shot. And then he

gets hit with a right hand right here.
Tighten step.

Bing. There it is. Oh, that was, oh,
gee. I forgot about that.

Yeah.

He's just like, fuck this, man.

Fuck this. His body's like, fuck this.

Dude, do you realize the fucking balls
it takes to fucking walk?

Oh, you did it. Jesus Christ.

I mean, those guys, you walk into an
arena shirtless. It's scary.

That's fucking amazing.

What's really scary is it's like you
think about it for weeks and weeks up to

it. And obviously, I never did it at
this level. But at that level, when the

whole world is watching and you know
that this is just an enormous moment and

you just got waylaid by one of the
greatest heavyweights of all time and

flattened.

That was a crazy knockout. You know, I
was watching.

He was so fun to watch because he
annoyed so many people because he was so

cocky. And he had such a weird style as
that Prince.

Oh, my God. That guy's fun to watch. Oh,
he was amazing.

You know, Tyson had syphilis or
something like that in that fight. No,

Buster Douglas.

Did he? Yeah, he had like a clap or
something.

I think it was this fight. I think it
was the fight he won.

Yeah. When he fought Buster Douglas, he
just didn't train very hard for it. Just

really was just dominating everybody and
just.

Took it for granted and still almost
won.

Still dropped Buster. And to this day,
like if you watch that fight when

Buster's down, it's more than 10
seconds.

Yeah, but the thing was he didn't go to
the corner fast enough, I thought.

And he picked up the count. I thought he
would have got up. I don't know.

I remember where I was when I watched
that. I remember all of that shit. I was

at my buddy Mitch's house.

We were upstairs on his fucking square
TV.

And I was like.

You know, because you cheer for the
underdog. And he was all bummed out

want to see Mike lose. And I was just
like, I didn't realize what I had lost

a sports fan because you're losing
greatness.

Not that he's not great, but you know
what I mean? You wanted to see that

undefeated keep going thing. And then
afterwards, you know, it's a weird

But the Buster Douglas in that fight, do
you know the whole story behind it? His

mom died. Yeah. And he was devastated.

And so he was always a really, really
talented guy that just didn't work hard

enough. But that fight, he trained like
a motherfucker. He trained like a real

champion. Probably because he didn't
want to think about it. He probably just

focused on.

Well, that maybe also he was like doing
it. He was dedicating it to his mom.

Once again, the human element that I
just removed.

I'm a robot.

I am.

I am.

Is this what you're finding out from the
pandemic, being locked up and having

too much alone time?

Yeah, I understand. I understand my
anger now. I don't know how to fix it,

understand. What is it? What is your
anger?

It's feeling like I'm not going to be
heard and things are going to go in a

I don't want them to be. So the second
there's a suggestion different than

I catastrophize in my head and I don't
just go be like, well, you know what?

Actually, I can't do that because I'm
doing Joe's podcast.

Maybe I could do that tomorrow.

I just hear the information and feel
like I have no power. And then I go, oh,

what the fuck?

And then my wife's like, I just asked a
question.

And then I am so fucking up here.

I have to like, it takes, it only takes
me like two minutes.

And then I come in, I put my head to the
side of her head and I just go, I'm

sorry.

I don't want to tell you, you married a
fuck up.

You blew it.

You're not good at reading people.

You have no one to blame but yourself. I
apologize like an asshole.

There's another thing, too. I also, in
this, have never loved my wife more.

You know, gave me a son, and it's just
like, it's one of those things where...

That's a beautiful thing about the
pandemic.

You really sit there going like, I am
way, way more of a fucking asshole than

thought I was. I knew I was, but I
didn't think I was that bad.

So you realize you've got issues, but
you don't know how to solve them. That's

what it is?

I realized that I had issues that I
thought I was past.

That's what fucked me up. But you feel
like, all right, so I've taken care of

that. Now I can focus on this. And it's
like, no, no, this is still in this

pile. You thought it was six feet high,
it's 12 feet high, and it was, yeah,

it was demoralizing.

Don't you think knowing is part of the
way to fix it, though?

Yeah, but then you have to go through
the torture of it.

Because it's not like, you know, like
the Dr. Phil episode. You need to

understand, you fucking yellow people,
whatever the fuck. And you go, oh, okay,

thanks, Phil.

And, like, you're just going to go do
that.

It's like then you have to do the
fucking work and it's so easy to just go

into your – it's a deep groove worn into
your personality and you're trying to

get out of the rut and it's just easy to
go back into it and just be on

autopilot.

That's why people like psychedelics.
That's why people like psychedelics

it separates you so much from who you
are. You get a chance to look at

It's one of the things that comes out of
it. I should have done that when I was

younger. Can't do it now?

Like right now?

On this podcast?

I don't think that would be very
professional.

I'm supposed to be promoting one of
these feature films. We've already done

We've promoted it. It looks great. I'm
excited.

I'm excited to see you at a mustache.

Oh, so you're saying I'm done and then I
can now do this?

You can do a little drugs.

It's a little mushrooms.

It'll be good for you. Listen, Joe, I
know you're an influencer, but you ain't

going to win on this one.

Influencer?

That's a dirty word to me. I will be...

The kids get out of the house, and
they're fucking great people. Hopefully,

did the job, then... Then?

So when they're 18?

Okay, we'll go.

When they're 18, I'm going to take you
somewhere.

All right, when I'm 70 and you're 71.
Yeah, we'll get blasted together on

mushrooms. Yeah, I'll finally get that
Cadillac. We'll go to the Pacific

Northwest, which will be burnt to the
ground. Once the looters take over those

six blocks, they're eventually going to
expand to 12. There'll be no more

Seattle.

The trees will regrow. I love Seattle.
Don't say that.

You ever play the Moore Theater? Love it
there. It's great.

I love Seattle. I love Seattle.

I'm a big fan. I used to love that
Bellevue place.

The pool hall that was a pool hall
connected to a comedy club. Remember

Did you ever do that place?

I never did that one. Went under. Went
under real recently. It was fucking

great. Trying to remember the name of
the place.

But it was in Bellevue.

And I first went there with Callan.
Callan was the one who told me about it.

was like, this is my dream.

A pool hall connected to a comedy club.
This is the greatest thing I've ever

heard of. I love that guy. He is one of
the fastest minds.

That's unbelievable how fucking funny
that guy is. Very funny dude.

There it is. The parlor. Yeah.

Permanently closed.

Talented guy too. I saw him one time
with a bow and arrow.

Just talking all of this shit, and
somebody hit a bullseye, and then he did

next one, and he split his fucking
arrow. Talking shit the whole fucking

Brian Callen? Yes. Where'd you do this?

At this guy's house that had one of
those things.

Dead luck.

Brian Callen's a terrible archer. He
doesn't know jack shit about archery.

listen. I know what I saw.

Were you dreaming?

No, I saw this.

He talked shit the whole time, and he
did it.

It was fucking great. It was like I was
watching a movie.

I bought him a bow.

Listen, I got to tell you something. I
think you need to move him a little bit

higher up in your brain. He's one of my
best friends.

That's how you talk about a friend. I
love him.

I bought him a bow. I bought him a Hoyt
Carbon Spider.

Really nice bow.

Never used it once.

He goes, I got to use that bow. I got to
use that bow one day. I'm like, get a

fucking target.

He's probably standing on the string
doing curls knowing him.

Maybe. He boxes.

I used to go to the boxing gym. I used
to mix it up.

He goes in there and spars. I'm like,
Brian.

You're going to get brain damage.

You're 53 years old. You can't be
getting punched in the face.

Yeah, but he's like a Jason Statham, 53.

Because you have to know that, dude. Now
that we're these old fucks, okay, we're

hanging in there. Because you see
people, I see at this point, I remember

when I first felt old.

It was when I would meet people after
shows and I'd be like, oh, this guy's

at least five years on me. And I'd find
out they were five years younger than

me. Like I'd be like 33. I'd be like,
you're fucking 28. And he was like a

28, married, three kids.

And I saw what that looked like, you
know.

You know this fucking business. This
business, you get shit on. Like I love

harassing to a point on.

on social media harassing the yo hey uh
you know hey billy boo face hey billy

fat tits and all that shit like that
motivates me like i look you gotta

look at yourself like they're right yeah
they're hanging a little bit i need i

need to do some push -ups they will
fucking bully you into getting and it's

how you process the information no yeah
there's nothing to that yeah look

you're talking about fat shaming I'm
telling you that if I wasn't in this

business, I would be a fat fuck.

I'd get those blonde Oreo cookies, root
beer floats.

I would be fucking hammering that shit.

So being in the business keeps you in
here? Yeah, because then on Twitter I

would just have the fucking, the pussy
picture, just the egg one.

You know, where nobody knows who you are
and I could be a fat fuck being like,

you know, just giving people shit. You
got a little fatter since the last

I would have a blast doing that.

How's your shoulder?

It's great.

Is it better? Because I've been – I
finally – there was another thing.

Like the shoulder thing also caused me
that I had to slow down.

And like the patience you need to rehab
it, like you're sitting there with like

– at first it's just the weight of your
arm doing the crawls up the wall.

Then you lay on your side. Then it's
just the weight of your arm.

And then a tuna can.

Then I went into a can of clams.

And now I'm up to the pink weight.

The one pounder.

And then this is the big, this is the
big tipping point. When you go from one

pound to two pound, as ridiculous as
that sound, you're increasing the weight

load by a hundred percent.

And that's when you get hurt.

Cause you want to get like, I used to be
able to do like 15 pounds, you know, 20

pounds, 25.

Those, those, those sets you used to do.
Yeah.

And now I, you know, when it's really
hurting, I reach for some salt. I'm

ah, it resets it. So what I do is I just
get slowly work my way up to three sets

of 20.

And then when I go to two pounds, when I
do it, I'll just do three sets of

three. So I'm way beneath the weight
load that I did. And then you gradually,

requires all of this patience that I
don't fucking have. What is wrong with

This one I had a bursitis. This one I
actually, I fucked up something else.

this one is totally fine now.

But I'm not using it as much because I'm
not using this one. So I do the rehab

on both sides just to keep them.

I've been doing a lot of core work, a
lot of back shit that I never did, which

is how my shoulder got fucked up. Cause
I just did the 80s things, you know,

this did everything up here. Right. What
I could see I worked on. So all back

here was like, we can't fucking hold
this shit. So everything, my, my

bowed in and one was higher than the
other. And then eventually it got

Yeah. Yeah. I do these fucking things. I
know that's for this, but I didn't do

anything for the middle of my back or
lower back. All of this. I don't know

the fuck I'm talking about. You ever use
bands?

Yeah. Bands are a good way to not get
hurt.

I'm a big fan. There's a product called
Crossover Symmetry.

It's a series of different weight bands.
I'll show it to you out here. I have it

attached to one of the...

bars, one of the cages, and these bands,
they come in 15 pounds, 25 pounds, 40

pounds, a bunch of different weights. I
take these things and I do a whole

series of exercises with my shoulders.
It's great. It keeps everything strong

and you're not pushing it with weights.

Yeah, I'd like to look at that. I'm not
going to do it, but once I get to a

certain level of strength.

But the thing is you can do it. It's not
going to hurt you because you're not –

you're just doing it lightly like this.
Oh, you got a lawsuit coming your way,

buddy.

Look, this is – oh, I just thought of
something. I just forgot. Something that

learned about myself with that shit.
That will come to me as far as like –

rehabilitation?

Yeah, but it also came into my
personality, just something that I kind

this is what I learned about myself.

And why I didn't miss stand -up because
it was freaking me out is because what I

experienced as a kid straight across the
board made me go to this

mental place of like, I don't care.

Fuck it. I don't care. I don't need it.
I don't give a shit. And that's what

caused everything to get walled off.

And that actually feeds into rehabbing
injuries because it was a big

moment for me where I got this.

fucking console thing that I'm trying to
put in my podcast studio.

And they're supposed to deliver it and
bring it in there, right?

So the day they were going to deliver
it, my wife went into labor.

So I went to the hospital and then they
showed up and I didn't want them going

out in my garage. I got all my
memorabilia and shit. I just didn't want

in there unless I was there. So I said,
I just have them drop it off. I thought

it was going to be a box and it was
already assembled and it was fucking

right? And it was also the weight load
of it.

I was like, ah, fuck it. If I keep my
arms in like this, it's mostly biceps.

I was going to do this stupid German
-Irish.

Fuck it. And what it was going to do was
going to set me back once again. Like I

had a big setback in February.

I had an acting gig.

And they said, hey, it was just a stupid
little action thing. It was a wall.

Put your hands on it. Hop over. Can you
do that? I'm like, yeah, my shoulder

feels pretty good. And the second I went
like that, I felt like lightning go

down my shoulder. And I was like, ah,
fuck.

Right back to the fucking tuna canning
and all that shit. So I actually had a

friend come over. We were going to do
it. I said, you know what, dude?

I owe you a fucking dinner or something.
I'm not doing this.

And I called up this guy that I knew was
a construction company. I go, you got a

couple of strong young guys that can
just move this thing in there.

And I just had them do it.

And that's like something that I'm
pushing through where it helps me as a

It also helps me deal with highly
emotional shit because I can just shut

off and just do what I have to do.

Which works like back in the day when
you're going to do Letterman, which was

fucking terrifying. It's freezing cold.

And you just have to be like, fuck this.
It's just fucking people.

This is just a different shiny floor
that's freaking me out, and there's an

sitting at that desk.

I had the tools to shut that off, which
is great for that moment, but it's

terrible for the rest of your fucking
life.

Like, there's shit that's, like, I just
realized, there's shit in me that I

needed, that I have not dealt with.

Death of friends, all of that shit is
just sitting in here, and I think that's

also, like, when...

People then go like, oh, can you do
this? Oh, what the fuck? It's not all

that I'm not going to get what I want. A
lot of that is like you got all of this

shit that you're sitting on.

So you're sitting on all that and you
haven't addressed it. So then it's just

the only way for the steam to come out
is like for you to snap or whatever. So

which is really not fair to the people
around you, to be honest with you. So

I don't know. Have you gone to therapy?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. What about meditating?

You ever meditate?

Yeah, but I find the guy's voice is
fucking annoying. You don't have to

to what God has to say.

Every time I'm getting there, he starts
fucking talking again. And then he's

using this really soothing, caring voice
that makes me

face all of that shit that I didn't get
growing up, which makes me angry at this

person that's trying to help me.

Wow. Yeah.

Quarantine is not a bad thing.

For what it's worth, you're always fun
to hang around with. I always enjoy your

company. I don't have any issues with
any of your crazy behavior. Because I

a crushing need to be liked.

So I tone down my cuntiness when I'm
around you.

Listen, my wife knows me. Hang out with
her one time. She'll tell you some

fucking stories. I'm sure.

Yeah. Well, the you that I get, I like.

If that helps you.

Yeah. You know the deal. You don't know
anybody until you live with them.

All right.

You know, I will not accept your
compliment.

That's another part of my personality.

Who's the guy that's running the
meditation app that's annoying you?

Do you know who's app you're using?

I don't want to put the guy on blast,
but yeah, I do.

Okay. Let me know later. And he's great.

He's great at what he's doing. He's
trying to help people. Yeah.

You could do it without an app.

Dude, I have a story. I can't say what I
said nowadays.

I can't say what I said, but I remember
I was playing pickup hockey, and I suck,

right? But I'm having a good time out
there. I'm just, you know, I'm out there

trying to get a sweat going, right?

And, you know, I'm having my head down,
and we're playing no contacting because

it was really my fault. I had my head
down, and this guy fucking knocked me

on the other team.

And he goes, are you all right?

Yeah, what I said to that guy, I still
fucking regret.

I was so mad at him that he was caring
in that moment.

Oh, wow.

It was like, what is wrong with me?

Wow.

You're really trying to come to grips
with all this shit right now.

Yeah, because I don't want to pass this
shit on to my kids. That's what happens.

As they're growing up.

Yeah, when people are like, if people
say my kids are not like me, like, I'm

like, good.

That's weird. But I do think that a lot.
If they're like, oh, yeah, you know,

she's like, you know, happy -go -lucky.
I'm like, great.

Like, I forget what somebody said one
time about my daughter because she's

she's this angel, right? And they made
some sort of, you know, comic, made the

comment, you know, thinking it was going
to hurt me.

And I was like, yeah, dude, that's
fucking music to my ears. I don't want

be like me.

Don't.

You think they were trying to hurt you
when they said it?

No, it was one of those comic things
where they don't have kids, and it was a

guy, and they don't know what to say.

So then they got to, like, make a
fucking joke.

Like, I had a buddy of mine, a comedian,
on my birthday.

He goes, hey, happy destroying your
mother's uterus day.

And I just remember laughing going like,
oh, there's a guy who has to do a

little more work than I have to.

I can say, I know, but I mean, I know
what it is. It was a Boston comic and he

couldn't just say happy birthday because
that would be gay.

So he has to go to so overcorrect that,
has to go to that level. It's

so fucking stupid.

It's probably why guys die before women.

You hang on to shit and there's all that
stuff, you know.

You can't say enjoy a sunset, Joe. You
can't do that.

Why can't you?

Shut up. But I do. You know why. I know
you do.

I know. But the thing about you is you
can also beat the shit out of most

in a fucking room. So you got that. So
people can be like, oh, wow.

You know, they actually want to hear
that from you.

When they see you spinning heel kick,
they want to know that you enjoy a

Because, like, I don't want to. If this
guy's as angry as I am and can do all of

that shit, what are my odds of getting
out of here? So you want to see that out

of a guy like you.

But a guy like you don't want to see it.
Don't want to see you enjoying the

sunset. Joe, I don't read. I don't
fucking read.

I don't know what it is.

I am too in here to understand me.

This is interesting, though. I have a
very weird thing. I have an alley of my

personality that works that I somehow
turned into a living.

Yeah. But the rest of it looks like Fred
Sanford's yard.

Old radiators and bed frames and shit.
It's a fucking mess. It's interesting

because I've never seen you this
introspective where you're really trying

work it out. You're really thinking
about it more than I've ever seen you

about it before.

You've always joked around about it, you
know, in all the years I've known you.

It's always been a part of the things
you talk about.

But it seems much more at the forefront
of your consciousness right now. It's

something you really need to work on.
You really realize, like, this is – I've

got to fix this.

Yeah, I think it started last year doing
the movie. Oh, he brings back the

movie.

There was a bunch of shit that I had to
play that I never had to play before.

You want me to be a loud fucking
asshole?

I can do that.

But then all of a sudden, like I had a
lot of anxiety about a lot of the stuff.

Like my character had two kids.

And like the first time I meet the kids,
it's classic acting where it's just

like you just show up.

I remember I took this acting class.

This guy, Brendan Hughes, he was great.
He was saying like, he was talking about

what it's like to go on a movie set.
It's like how you have to have access to

all these emotions because you're
showing up and it's just like, okay,

this guy and this is your dad and your
mother just died and action. And it's

just like, what? Because that's the way
it goes. It just goes real quick. So

yeah. So I have to play like this.

So I got two kids here.

So the first day I met them,

we had to do the family photo. They
wanted to have one of those things in

background for a scene. So you have to,
and I'm sitting there going like, ah,

fuck, you know, I gotta, I gotta act
like I love these kids the way I love my

kids.

Like, and that's, was really confronting
for me as far as how I'm wired. Well,

fuck you. I don't need anybody.

So, uh, I, I had like a fucking panic
attack before, like, even that

thing, like just being like,

It's just that comic thing where you're
just like, dude, I stand on stage. I do

sit jokes for a fucking hour. You give
the check and then I fucking leave.

I smoke a cigar.

Just fucking leave me alone, right?

And this thing here, it's like, no,
you're now on a schedule.

Somebody tells you where you have to be.
So like, you know, I was like a cat on

a leash all of a sudden. Like, yeah, I
have to be all these places. I was

freaking out about that. And then I had
to do the picture with the kids. So what

I did was.

I just, I got myself into a really silly
mood.

And I was deliberately, I was joking
with all the other actors. I was making

of myself.

I was joking with anybody that had
anything to do with the movie. I got

really silly, stupid mood. And I just,
to get myself in that headspace. And

I met them. I started joking around
about what I look like. And this is what

your dad looked like. And then they
started laughing.

So when they took the picture, we were
actually laughing about a joke I was

making about myself.

And then I looked at the pictures.

And they looked they looked real. They
look like I love these kids.

So I got over that hurdle. So like
throughout the shoot, you know,

shit yelling at Pete. It's like I can
fucking do that all day.

But all that other stuff. And it's like,
OK. And, you know, Jeb would be like,

OK. And then you meet Margie and you're
smitten.

And it's like smitten.

You know, I've never had I've been
smitten in life, but I've never, you

the comedian. I don't think you ever
really go on stage.

And if you were to do something where
you were smitten, you're making fun of

that emotion and the stupid things that
you do. And it's like, no, we need you

to play this real.

Like you really have just.

And I'm like, oh, so I'm like into her.
He goes, no, I'm your love struck like a

lightning bolt. And I'm just like.

And so, oh, geez, I don't know how to
fucking do this. And, you know, fucking.

Oh, my God, I'm in my head. I'm in my
head.

This person's won an Oscar.

I think I suck. You know, just going
through all of that shit. So it took me

probably.

Two weeks on the film.

I was two weeks in. They had shot enough
of my shit where I was like, all right,

they're not going to fire me.

I can kind of relax a little bit. And
then after that, I had a great time. I

a fucking great time. Best time I've had
on any acting gig. And I've had a lot

of fun throughout the year. So I think
that's what sort of started it. And I

kind of like, you know, trying to
communicate it to my wife.

And she doesn't know what I'm talking
about. She's like, you're doing a movie.

This is fucking great. And she has
access, you know, opposites attract.

So she has access to all of that shit.

She's actually, you know, a fucking way
better actor than I am and stuff. So she

helps me out a lot.

So after those two weeks, I was able to
chill. And then I had a great time.

And I got over a bunch of hurdles. And I
was kind of like, oh, this is like

growing as a comic.

Where it's like, okay, I know how to do
this as a comic.

What if I try to act something out? Oh,
that's not my safe space.

Now I start feeling like an open mic -er
again. They're not going to like me.

I'm not going to stop getting spots at
the store.

Go home, live home with my parents. I
start doing that shit. Yeah.

It's a whole show going on up here, Joe.

Did you watch it after it was done?

Yeah. I watched the initial cut of it,
and then I saw the vinyl version of it

and everything.

Did you enjoy it?

It's one of those things, you know
everything that was there and wasn't

especially with jokes.

There's always going to be stuff that
you, oh, God, why did they cut there? I

wish they put this in. But as far as the
movie itself, I loved it, how it worked

and the way they put it together. And
the opening scene.

That's in the movie initially was in the
middle of the movie and somebody, Judd,

I don't know who came up with the
brilliant idea to put that scene first.

totally changed the tone of the movie.

And then that's when it like took off
because I saw a real raw cut and it was

like, this is a bunch of funny shit.

And like everybody I've ever talked to
edits a movie like when they watch their

first cut of the movie, they're like,
oh, my God, I'm never going to I'm never

going to work in this business again. I
just wasted my fucking, you know, I was

actually talking to one of the actors
who would.

directed one of my favorite movies,
Trees Lounge.

Steve Buscemi made that movie, and he
told this fucking hilarious story about

the first cut that he watched of it. He
just went home like a zombie,

going, oh my God, how am I going to make
it? It's such a great movie by the time

he was done editing it, but his first
look at it.

So that helped me out.

A guy as good as him.

having that type of thought i was just
like oh geez i think that's it all the

time you know this guy's an icon if he
thinks that then this is normal so like

all right i guess i'm kind of normal to
think this shit so yeah so they i think

that started it and then i just kind of
would have just been happy to get

through the movie and then that would
have been it and then i had to be

quarantined oh we all got corn i'm like
myself Typical self -involved me.

Everybody's quarantined. And then that
just became me sitting around. And I was

like, I'm not watching TV because this
is just going to fucking make me feel

like claustrophobic watching all this
news and shit trying to be informed. So

kind of went away from that.

And then I was just in the house with me
just sitting there and everybody was

asleep.

Fucking. Just thinking.

Thinking. But not in a bad way.

I don't think. I don't know.

Well, it doesn't seem like it's a bad
way. It seems like you've isolated some

the things that you have a problem with
that you need to work out.

I mean, that's one great leap on the way
to figuring it out is knowing what

you're trying to work on. Some people go
their whole life not understanding what

the fuck is wrong with them. I'm jealous
of those people.

I grew up with a lot of those people.

Those people watch TV all the time. No,
they are who they are, and they just

fucking do that.

There is something I have.

It's so fucked up.

There's people like when I look at
people that just do whatever the fuck

want to do.

You know, like who doesn't want to just
fucking eat a large cheese pizza and

then finish it off with a pint of ice
cream?

Like those people that do that. I know
they pay for it, but there is something

to be. I'm reading this book right now
on Bobby Lane was a quarterback.

for the uh detroit lions and there's all
these legends like his story is so

legendary you don't even know where the
the the legend is and where the truth is

but like this guy art donovan used to
tell a story about you know he was on

other team and he sacked him and you
know he's getting up and bobby breathed

him he goes jesus christ man where the
fuck did you go last night and bobby

allegedly said last night he goes i had
a couple of pops at halftime You know,

these guys were fucking lunatics.

And he lived this life where he had this
wide array of friends, really

progressive, where he, like, you know,
through playing sports, he had African

-American friends.

And if they were to go in someplace and
they said, your friend can't come in, he

goes, no, we're not fucking going in. I
mean, this guy was doing this in the 50s

and 60s, right?

And he was always like that. But he died
at like 58 or 59.

And it was hard for all of his friends
to see him.

You know, not being like the legend, but
there's a great part in the book where

he's talking about his life and like
knowing that, you know, he probably

have gone easier.

But like this big smile came on his face
that he kind of did it the way he

wanted to. Because believe me, dude, I
would love to go home and kill a bottle

of bourbon right now. I would love to
smoke another fucking five of these

fucking things. But I got too many
people dependent on me.

But there is something to be said about
living. You know, those people, they

just.

Like, I like booze. I like it.

I like getting drunk and just don't want
to do it every night. I'm fucking going

to do it. I live at home. I want to get
a pizza. I'm going to have a fucking

pizza. You do pay for it. But there is I
made me think of like, well, let me

promote it. Well, what? Yeah. What's
that life like? Yeah. As opposed to

like, well, you know, I got to make sure
I eat my Brussels sprouts and I flick

and you kind of inch your way to death
as opposed to just being like, fuck it.

Pizza tastes good. I want a pizza.

Fuck it. I'm having one.

Let's try every bourbon. I love that in
the Lemmy doc when he just had all those

bottles of bourbon. The greatest thing
in the Lemmy thing is when those guys

saying, Lemmy goes, hey, you want some
Jack Daniels? They go, yeah.

And he takes the bottle down and then
hands both of them their own bottle. And

they were like, what the fuck? And he
starts drinking out of this like he's

having a Coke.

Dean Del Rey said something fucking
hilarious about when he watched the

doc. He goes, dude, if I saw that thing
when I was in my 20s and I knew Lemmy

was going to live to be 70, he goes, I
never would have stopped.

His last days were rough, though.

I think everybody's last days are rough,
unless you drop dead.

But his last days on performing.

I mean, he basically performed until the
wheels fell off.

There's a video of him, like one of the
last shows that he did where he had to

walk off stage in the middle of his
performance.

He was such a fucking badass. Even like
just the way he had the microphone, the

way he would sing. He just came in and
the fucking bass was all low.

Yeah. Can't teach that, man. That was
fucking in his DNA.

Well, he lived it.

That's for sure. And he is a legend.

And there's something to be said for
that.

It's all what you put your energy to.

Yeah. You know what it is? It's the
balls to live that life. Yeah.

Indulgent and wild.

Yeah, where, like, there's all this
heroicism to sobriety, which there is.

sober and just taking life in the face
every day is fucking hard. And I think

to see somebody that has the balls, even
with all this surgeon general shit, as

I'm sitting here smoking a fucking
cigar, looking for a toothpick if you

one.

No? No.

Toothpick. Who's got the piece of dick
right there? Yeah, but I can't fucking

stick it in here.

This is why I had to stop cigars,
because I'll smoke it right down on my

fingers.

Yeah. Whittle that thing down.

Jesus Christ, Joe.

Give me that stick.

Oh. Isn't that the way you're supposed
to hand somebody a knife?

Well, I was going to... Oh, you were
going to do it. Yeah.

I don't need you, Joe. I don't need
anybody.

Good luck.

Fucking idiot, a roach clip.

You want another cigar so you don't have
to do that?

I mean, we have plenty. No, this is the
best part.

That's the best part of the cigar? Yeah,
the smoke goes right to you. Yeah?

Okay.

I feel like I'm in therapy. I feel like
I'm a therapist right now. Listen, don't

switch the kid glove tone with me, all
right? I'm just fucking around here. I'm

sorry, Bill.

See that?

Just trying to assess the situation.

Oh, are you? Is that what your training
has taught you?

You talk to all these whack jobs on your
fucking podcast.

The Lemmy thing is, you know, that's one
of the things that people love about

him, right? Because everybody knows
you're supposed to eat well. Everybody

you're not supposed to get fucked up
every night. Everybody knows you're

supposed to be responsible and mature
and smart.

But what he did was just wild.

Didn't work? No?

Look at him there.

He was just wild. Wild to the end.

And I think you need, you need people
like that. You do. You do. Cause you can

get a lot out of the way that they live
where every once in a while you'd be

like, you know what? Fuck this. Let's
go. Let's be Lemmy today.

Yeah. You get, you get great art out of
those people too. Those wild people, the

Bukowski's and the Sam Kenison's and the
Lemmy's and the people that just

fucking go hard. There's something to
that. Yeah. There's something to that

Yeah. There's also something to people
that are stoic.

What's interesting to me is just the
range of people.

I can get things out of people that just
drink water and meditate, and I'm

fascinated by them.

I'm fascinated by people like – I was
watching some – do you know Russell

Simmons? He lives in like – where does
he live? In like Bali or Indonesia or

something like that? He was doing an
Instagram Live, and he's doing it.

Cross -legged with, like, some crazy
yoga shawl over his knees and shit. And,

like, he looked like an ashram.

And he's, like, he's basically talking
like a yogi in an ashram. Like, this guy

was the head of Def Jam.

And he got, like, really, really into
yoga. And now he lives in some country

somewhere and just fucking does yoga.

He's doing Instagram Live talking to
people.

Like a guru.

Yeah, I ain't going to go that hard.

I'm not either.

I'll do a yoga. I mean, I kind of do my
own version of yoga, just shit that I've

learned. Do you do a little yoga?

I stretch all the time. Yeah? I have to
because I, you know, you just get to a

certain age.

If you don't, I mean, you know. Yeah, I
love stretching.

Yeah, you kind of got to do all of that
shit. So anyway, enough of that.

You ever take a yoga class?

Yeah. Like hot yoga? You ever do that?

I just felt like I couldn't breathe.

Yeah. And I remember, too, also, like,
my back was fucked up. That's why I went

to the class. And, like, the position
she started out with, the twisting was

happening too quickly.

So I kind of just went down to the mat,
and I was doing all the thing. And the

teacher got, like, all freaked out by
it.

Really? She's like, come on, you know,
try to stay with the class. You can't

like, busting out all these different
asanas.

And I just started fucking laughing.

Where I was just thinking like, this is
all supposed to be about listening to

your body. And you're literally, you're
like the oil man in here trying to

control. This is your own little fucking
economy. And just the fact that I fuck,

you're walking around like you got it
all figured out.

You got 99 % of people here all doing
what the fuck you say. And one guy goes

down to his mat because his back is
fucked up. And you process it like I'm

fucking with your authority in a yoga
class.

So.

With my broad brush, I said, fuck hot
yoga.

That's hilarious.

Yeah. Well, yoga teachers like
everything else. Some of them you're

enjoy. Some of them are going to be
really good at it, and some of them are

going to annoy the fuck out of you. What
annoys the fuck out of me is when they

start giving you motivational advice and
telling you how to live your life.

You've got to learn to let go of things.

Like for me, and then tell some personal
story.

And so when I got out of that, like,
Jesus Christ, can we fucking move on

I didn't come here to hear your first
grade rudimentary psychology. It was a

great class.

It was a great class. But the dude, he
had, it was fucking awesome.

After a while, I was just
psychologically breaking this guy down.

And something happened to him at a gold
gym.

I don't know what happened to him. He
just was forever making fun of muscle

heads.

And I was thinking, because I had the
hybrid thing going on.

Back before I fucked up my shoulder, I
loved lifting weights. I loved going to

the gym and all that shit. And I liked
the energy in a gym.

You know, I liked it. And the old school
ones, right? When the guys used to walk

around with the towels tucked into their
fucking, you know, that shit.

And he was forever shitting on it.

And then another thing that he would do
was he would also somehow steer it

toward like a subtle comment about
lovemaking. And he was putting out like

vibe that he was good in bed at the same
time.

That's a yoga guy move.

You know, and he had the little ponytail
and shit.

No, it was like a Will Ferrell
character.

It was fucking funny. It was like a real
-life Will Ferrell,

just really, I know everything kind of
vibe.

He wasn't as bad as that, but it was
just... I get it.

It was funny, though, and I used to sit
there...

Yeah, this was like this dude in New
York. I remember it was fucking

And what was hilarious was I was bad at
yoga.

You're not supposed to even say that. If
you're doing it, man, you just, you

know, wherever your body's at is where
you're supposed to be, right?

And I just remember when he would walk
around the class and he would adjust

people. He'd always skip me and then
adjust some hot chick who was way more

flexible than me. And it's just like,
really? I'm doing it right as I'm

over here? For some reason, I never
needed an adjustment. Of course. And

was like the 90s, so you could get away
with it. There was a lot of adjusting

like this, almost cupping a titty and
fucking like, yeah, shit on the hips and

stuff. Yeah.

Hey, God bless him. It's like a Pied
Piper.

You got all these hot chicks in there
and you get them all stretched out

he banged him. And it worked.

So I couldn't hate on him for that.

But it was, I, to get through the class,
because I have such fucking ADD, I was

just, there was like a comedy show going
on within it. Like, you know, like a

house. And then I got a couple of
buddies and I told you, you got to go.

You know, we'll do like a, you know,
like a bet when he's going to shit, how

many times he's going to shit on the
gym.

What did he say?

What would he say? He would talk about
the muscle heads coming in there and

had no flexibility and how everything
was all overdeveloped. But

we'd always be doing some fucked up pose
or something. And he goes, this works

on your psoas.

Like what machine in the gym?

You know, is there a SOAS machine?

I can't remember. It was a long time
ago.

And at first it pissed me off. It's just
like, well, I like fucking doing curls.

What's wrong?

And then it just became funny to me.

There's a specific type of guy that's
like that. I went to a yoga guy once. He

used to sing in classes.

He wound up like...

He wound up banging this lady that was
there. Oh, that was a lot. Back in the

day. You can't do it now. There was a
lot of banging back then. A lot of.

This was like, I guess this was late
90s, early 2000s maybe.

And he would sing in class. And it was
so cheap.

It was so disingenuous.

Oh, yeah.

Like you would do these like yoga songs.

I was like, you are so gross.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one. No, you
guys are famous for that. But there was

some really good ones that I found.
Yeah,

there's some really good ones.

There's this guy I go to. I mean, you
hear him talk, you think he's going to

annoying. He's got pierced nipples, the
whole deal.

But he's really sincere.

He's really into it.

He's so gay.

He's so gay, he's like oozing when he
talks.

He's just so gay. I don't even know what
that means. So gay.

The way he talks, we're here.

We're here.

You're supposed to be here. Let it go.

But that's who he is. He's comfortable.

I love his class.

Well, that's the thing. As if it's
genuine, then it becomes this great

Yeah.

That's who he is.

He's, yeah.

It's like whoever the fuck you are, if
that's who you are, like I like it. I

don't want you to try to sell me on who
you are. Like the guy with the love

making car. That goes for the last two
hours of this podcast.

The selling you on who they are is where
it gets really gross. Pretending to be

something they're not.

I mean, I like flaws.

It's good.

We all have them.

My favorite people are all flawed.

I don't mind.

And it's not even that that guy was
flawed.

He was just – like normally you would
think if a guy was talking like that

teaching a yoga class, like this is not
going to be fun.

But it was great.

There's a lot of people that are really
good at it, man.

It's just finding them.

So like the place that I go to, I just
look at the schedule. I'm like, oh,

that's a good one.

I'll take her class.

I like him.

He's fun.

Yeah. And there's this one dude, he had
these weird tattoos, like real strange.

They always have to be clean, too,
because there's so much sweating going

hate when you go, like those hot yoga
classes, there's just no way to get

The floors were sweating.

Like there's just no way to.

You've got to accept it. It's so good
for your body.

So good for your stretching, too,
because you can get into positions when

doing hot yoga that you're not going to
get into. And it's like really

stretching that tissue out and extending
your range of motion.

I love it.

I'm a fucking evangelist for it, though.
I tell so many people to do it. A lot

of people have listened, but more people
just get annoyed. Well, I love that

when you guys do the Sober October.

You know, and I watch Segura and fucking
Kreischer dry out.

And like three weeks in, they start
looking like movie stars and shit.

Well, when we did the fitness one, we
did one Sober October fitness challenge.

We all wore these straps, and we had to
compete to see who can get the most

fitness points and stuff like that.

Ari got a fucking six -pack.

Ari got shredded.

Like, he doesn't even work out.

Before that, he was never working out.
And over the course of the month, by the

end of the month, he had a legit six
-pack.

And he looked great. But he's always
pretty wiry, though. Yeah, pretty thin.

Yeah. He got fat at one point in time
because he was eating nothing but candy.

He was literally eating candy all day
long. He was always eating a bag of

bears with him and shit like that.

I don't know if I still have the
message. When we're done with this, I've

play the message. Him congratulate me on
having a kid. It's so arty. It's so

fucking funny.

But, yeah, he dried out with that and
then didn't – he never gained it back,

he never had that six -pack again.

He was shredded because he was super
competitive. He was really trying to

It was really interesting.

It was an interesting thing to watch.

And I liked how Burt would do it too
where Burt would have like – he would

always have like a crazy buildup that
was totally against – he

told me this story.

about him running the fucking L .A.
Marathon and, like, drinking the night

before. It's just like, dude, you could
have fucking died.

He never really trained for it.

But he's mentally strong. He just got
himself in this mindset of put one foot

front of the other, and I am not
stopping until I get to the finish line.

26 miles.

Fuck. Fucking hell of a haul for a fat
guy.

He did it.

Yeah.

You won't catch me doing that. No? No
marathon running?

No. Did you ever run at all?

No. I used to ride a bike.

I did that for a while. I got so into
it. I remember one time I actually was

drinking in the afternoon and I still
had to go on a bike ride. I got on a

Shit face.

It was sweating.

This is the 80s too. No helmet.

No nothing. And just fucking rode
like...

like 12 miles and i never had heard the
expression i never felt hitting a wall

like whatever the electrolytes were
there was just nothing left and i was

six miles this east coast there's all
kinds of hills and shit from my house

i was like i i don't think i i don't
what am i gonna do there was no cell

like what am i gonna do so i just kept
riding

And then it was like this five minute,
like, I'm going to die. I'm not going to

get through this. And then I just got to
the other side where the, I think my

body was just like, all right, there
must be something like death must be

chasing us. So we need to go into
something else here.

And I put into that.

That's what they say happens when you do
those ultra marathons. Those people,

they get to a point where they think
there's no way they can keep going.

doing 100 miles and they're 38 miles in
and they're ready to quit. But they just

manage to just keep left, right, left,
right, left, right. And eventually you

get into a zone and you cross the finish
line.

20 hours later. Hey, God bless him. Now
that, that I would just say, well, that

you have all the people handing you cups
of shit and you can just tap out.

There's a lot of things you have to do
in those, those 24 hour races. You have

to eat.

You run dry. It's not like a regular
marathon.

Yeah, no, I'm not.

Yeah. Those triathlons. Well, Bill Burr
has been a great therapy session.

Thank you.

I'm excited about your movie. F is for
Family season four coming out tomorrow.

don't know how you have time to do that.
How the fuck do you have time to do F

is for Family as well as stand up, as
well as all the other shit you do, play

the drums?

Delegation. Yeah.

You surround yourself with super
talented people.

You do your job. They do their job. And
you're able to do that, able

to do it. But I needed this break,
though.

I'm not going to lie to you. I needed it
too. I didn't think I needed it. I

thought it was fine. But now I am like
fucking chomping at the bit to get back

on stage. Me too. I can't wait. And I
miss hearing people laughing and hanging

with comics and hearing the crazy shit
they say. Next time I see you, I hope

it's at the store.

Yes. Oh, the Troubadour. The Troubadour.
Either one. Either or. I'm in. Bill

Burr, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so
much. Bye, brother.

All right.

All right. Was that good? It was great.