Original subtitles

[Lisa] Tony, just use the wire cutters for your toenail.

Hurry up!

"I Love New Jersey" 'bout to come on.

Oh, okay, okay.

Did I miss anything?

No, not yet.

Who you think she gone pick?

I don't know, it's hard to say, Lisa.

One minute she's all over Two-Tone Terry,

and next thing you know, she's in love with Median Melvin.

You know her and Median Melvin go way back.

They had a connection since Season 1.

Baby, the only thing that goes way back is that man's hairline.

It's like a detox release date, it just keeps getting pushed back.

Okay now see, there's nothing he can do about that,

kind of like your widow's peak. [Laughter]

Ha, ha.

Well, he could cut it off.

Both he and New Jersey need to get with the

Rapunzel program and let it go.

Besides, she's just gonna pick whoever's best for the ratings anyway.

Ratings?

please, this has nothing to do with ratings.

Absolutely nothing. She is on here to find real love.

Real love? [Laughter]

Baby, you think you can stick 20 grown-ass men

in one house, all chasing the same

woman and nobody gets killed? [Laughter]

I don't know, okay,

but I do think it's possible for these shows to

find people true love.

No, no, see, the way that my parents hooked up,

in the real world, that's how you do it.

Oh, okay, I see, so meeting

somebody at a Ray Charles concert is

the love story we should all aspire for.

Yeah, better than this. [Laughter]

But apparently, my mother actually met Ray Charles.

But it's a good thing that everything worked out between her and my dad,

because then it would have been a little Ray

instead of a little Tony, and I wouldn't have seen the light of day.

But see, they've been married 50 years and,

still goin' strong.

Yeah, yeah, I'll give you that.

Mm-hmm, and look at us.

All this time, and I still love you

and I didn't have to fight through 20 temporary roommates to find you.

- Yeah, love you too, baby. - Mm-hmm.

But if I had to pick someone,

I say she goes with Illiterate Ian.

For some reason they still seem to be on the same page

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me

♪ The bill collectors want their fees

♪ The kids keep talking back to me

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

[Instrumental Music]

Hey dad, happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah, yeah, happy Thanksgiving, son.

Oh, I see you got the pre-game on.

I hear this is gonna be a good one.

Yeah, about that, um,

something I want to talk to you about, son.

Uh-oh, let me guess,

I got a 50 year old brother that lives two cities away.

What's his name, Ray? [Laughter]

Come on, give it to me straight, dad.

I always felt like there was a part of me out there somewhere, missing.

Nah, no, no, no. [Laughter]

But if you think there's something missing, I know the number of a

gastroenterologist who is real thorough and stealthy. [Laughter]

You won't even know he's there. [Laughter]

I kind of feel like I would.

So, what's up?

Uh... [Sighs]

son, your mother and I are splitting up.

Oh, splitting the bills?

Yeah, I wish Lisa and I would do that some-

wait, wait, wait, splitting up? Why?

Wha- what did you do?

I, uh, what? Me? I didn't do anything.

You know, sometimes in marriage you just grow apart. I mean,

after 50 years you wake up to a stranger. It happens.

I, I, I don't understand. Was it something I did?

No, no, no, no, son. [Laughter]

Don't blame yourself now, your mother and I love you very much.

Okay so, who's gonna get custody?

Of what, of who? What, what, what?

Of me! [Laughter]

Son, you're a grown-ass man.

Stop making this about yourself.

I'm looking at this like it's a second chance in my life.

Oh, I didn't realize that you needed a redo. [Laughter]

You know, we got married when I was 18 years old.

We didn't really know who each other were

before we decided to spend the rest of our lives together.

Now it makes sense why she would go on a trip with her church group.

Yeah.

Now I finally get a chance to be a bachelor!

Uh, don't you think that ship has sailed? [Laughter]

And the currents of life have brought it right back to me.

[Laughter]

Now I'm the captain. [Laughter]

Okay, Captain Morgan Freeman. [Laughter]

Not listen,don't expect me to call your new wife "mamma".

Uh, do you even know where you gonna stay?

Damn right, I'm staying right here.

- With you. - What?

Took care of yo ass for 17 years.

Then I gave you a head start in life when I gave you a

business, now I'm collecting on my investment.

- It's like that? - Just like that.

Gonna stay right here in this room. [Laughter]

It needs a little work.

But nothing a couple of Pam Grier posters won't fix.

[Laughter]

Okay, before you put my man cave

in the time machine, let me

talk to Lisa, make sure it's okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, gotta check in, huh?

[Laughter] [Chuckles]

Yeah, I don't miss that. [Laughter]

Hey, hey son, what, what is a DM and how do I

slide over to Diana Ross?

[Laughter]

[Tony] So, my parents had another fight.

Oh, what else is new?

Well this time

Okay, yeah Tony, I mean, no offense,

but I don't need an update every time your parents get into a fight.

Baby, I'm trying to get the house ready for Thanksgiving.

[Knocking] Alright.

Oh! And there are the kids!

Ha-ha! There they are!

Come on in here man.

- Heavy, huh? - Yeah.

Use your legs.

- Let me get that, baby. - Thank you.

[Lisa] My babies!

Give me love.

- Hi mom. - Hi baby.

- Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving, honey!

So, come on, tell me all about it. How's college? Fill me in.

Okay, I know I'm your favorite child mom,

but, my mustache and beard will connect

if I get a little Beijing.

You can't keep calling me your baby.

[Tony] Okay, well just make sure you stay this time.

I'm not gonna be so nice next time around.

Two strikes, you out.

I thought it was three.

I ain't got Dodger money. All you get is two strikes.

Don't make me get my bat.

Well, there's nothing for you to worry about dad, 'caause I'm

almost caught up in all my classes

and I started my own group.

Wow, your own group?

- That's impressive. - Uh-huh, alright.

I knew them Stallworth genes would finally kick in,

they just runnin' on CPT, that's all.

Yup. I got almost 200 people

to sign up for the "Two Term For Test Club."

Okay, well good luck getting that club off the ground, honey.

How 'bout you baby, how's college?

Eh, it's different, but I'm adjusting.

Between studying for my midterms and trying to get my life there situated,

I keep myself pretty busy.

Okay, yeah, now busy is good,

but don't get too busy to study hard, okay?

Th first year is usually when you set the tone to either

excel and get ahead of the class, or

you know, the flop, and have to make up classes at community college.

Mm-hmm. [Laughter]

You do know I'm sitting right here?

Don't take it personal son,

your mother's just using your downfall to inspire Ebony.

Baby, keep working hard, you'll be fine.

It's just a transitional period.

Yeah, I mean, that's just the whole college experience, baby.

But I'm sure it's gonna get easier

and everything will start to become second nature.

I'm sure I will, too.

Well, I'm so glad to have you all home,

wash up, everybody's gonna be here soon.

[Heavy Sigh]

Thanks for the encouraging words, you guys.

I'm pretty sure everything will get better with time.

That's something my therapist taught me.

Did she say "therapist"?

- Yeah. - The Freud? [Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Stammering] A therapist? A therapist, Lisa?!

Come on, therapy is for

for middle aged white women that hate they husbands,

not for our Ebony.

Tony, she is becoming a young woman,

and she's not gonna want to tell her parents everything.

So she'd rather tell a stranger

with a little piece of paper and a casting couch?

Come on Lisa, I don't understand why you're not freaking out about this.

Because Tony, I've read numerous articles that

say how healthy and actually very beneficial it can be

for young people to see a therapist.

Yeah, maybe for little Connor. [Laughter]

'Cause all he's gonna say is how

mad he is at his momma for buying him a

Porsche when he specifically asked for a Maserati. [Laughter]

No, studies really show that

kids learn to be emotionally mature

- Hmm. - while talking to a therapist.

Which is something most adults struggle with.

I never wend to go see no damn

therapist, and I am emotionally mature.

Tony, you didn't talk to me for a week because you thought I

threw away that ugly sweater of yours. [Laughter]

Okay, first of all, I loved that sweater.

Okay, my grand-mamma gave me that sweater.

Eh, that's besides the point.

Look, I grew up on the other side of the tracks,

where kids are exposed to a lot more,

and none of us went to no damn therapy.

In fact, if I told my parents I needed to talk,

they'd say, "just go outside or, or lay down somewhere".

[Laughter]

I guess that's probly why they breaking up.

Wait, what? What happened?

I don't know. my dad said that they're growing apart, and

he's looking forward to the next

phase of his life as a bachelor. [Laughter]

- A who? - Yeah, yeah, I know.

And uh...

he also said he wants to move in here.

Oh, no.

Yeah, no, no, no, no. [Laughter]

No, that's, that's, I don't think that's gonna work.

Yeah, me neither, but he's my daddy, what am I gonna do?

[Rachel] Lisa! Lisa!

I don't know how to work this old-ass stove

you got down here and I need to make my mac and cheese! [Laughter]

Lisa, I think your sister Chicken Little is calling you.

She was supposed to be here an hour ago. [Laughter]

We...

we'll finish this conversation later.

Just tell Rachel to hurry up.

Maybe she got an audition to play the rooster in Creed 3.

[Laughter] [Instrumental Music]

[Donnie] Tone, you are in for a treat this Thanksgiving.

Good, I need something positive.

Man, dig this, my parents are breaking up

and my dad wants to come stay here.

What happened?

I don't know, but I hope it's temporary.

Anyway, what were you sayin'?

Oh, you mean before you interrupted me?

Well... [Laughter]

you know how you and Lisa always complainin'

that I ate all the leftovers of

Thanksgiving, and yadda yadda yadda, well this year,

I got a turkey that's more than enough

for everybody. I'm talkin 'bout this is the

Shaquille of all turkeys. [Laughter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Shaq turkeys. Okay, let me ask you a question now,

What do you think about therapy?

Oh, I love therapy.

I saw a therapist when I was a kid when I broke my arm,

my mom had that good insurance.

No, no, no, no. [Laughter]

Not physical therapy, I mean therapy-therapy.

Oh you mean, sit on the leather couch and

tell a stranger all your business therapy.

- Yes. - I don't believe in that.

Thank you. I knew I could count on you.

Why don't you believe it?

Same reason I go to Burger Prince and order the kids meal.

See when I was a kid, my mom used to always say,

"do ya got Burger Prince money?"

And now that I do, I want the nuggets,

and them damn toys! [Laughter]

Look, I have no idea what you're talkin' about,

but I think you might just need some therapy.

Or to lay down somewhere.

Look, my, my point is,

who's gonna feel comfortable telling a

complete stranger all their business?

Exactly.

Okay, I've been married to Lisa for 20 years and I,

I just started sleeping with my socks off.

Look man, no disrespect,

I love you like a brother, but I don't give a

damn about your toes, man. [Laughter]

Look, you know only people who feel comfortable

talkin' to therapists are serial killers.

'Cause they get a chance to really be honest,

to talk about how and why they did what they did.

And they get off scot-free

because of that whole doctor patient confidentiality loop hole.

You a serial killer, Tone? [Laughter]

Fool, if I was a serial killer,

you would've been on the back of a milk carton years ago.

No, it's Ebony.

Ebony's a serial killer?! [Laughter]

I always knew it was something with them damn lace press.

No, man! [Laughter]

Look, Ebony is seeing a therapist.

Why would she do that?

I don't know, she told Lisa and I earlier today,

I, I just can't wrap my mind around why.

Well, if you think about it,

she never really needed a therapist 'til she went away to college.

Good point. Think she's in trouble?

I don't know. Could be.

Or maybe, she's pushing pills

to make money, 'cause she's tired of that ramen noodle

and hotdog water diet. [Laughter]

And now she's in the game too deep.

She's gotta make a decision between finals

and the game. [Laughter]

And the game's always callin'. [Laughter]

You are literally too stupid to insult.

I appreciate that, man.

It's always good when you say nice things about me.

[Laughter] [Instrumental Music]

Hey, Tony! Bring me a lighter,

so I can light this stogie.

[Lisa] Oh, not in here, you won't.

Oh, Lisa.

When I heard that flat-footed walk,

I uh, thought it was Tony. [Laughter]

- Nope, just me. - Yeah?

Uh-huh. Can I help you with anything?

Yeah, I'd like a,

a Jack Daniels and prune juice on the rocks.

[Laughter]

I like to keep everything smooth, like apple butter.

How 'bout keepin' it smooth movin' into a nursing home?

You plan on stayin' in those pajamas all day?

You know, [Laughter]

I know you a Mrs. Stallworth,

but you're beginning to sound like another Mrs. Stallworth I know.

And what about calling that Mrs. Stallworth?

I've thought about it, and I'm not gonna do it. [Laughter]

She made the choice of uh, putting this fine

black, elegant chocolate back in the store.

Ooh, that's gotta be expired.

Yeah, as soon as you and everybody else

get in your mind

that me and your mother-in-law are finished,

the sooner we can all get back to our regular lives.

Now, about that Prune-gnac. [Laughter]

I don't know if you have much more regular life to live

before you go to that upper room, bruh. [Laughter]

[Rachel] How's daddy daycare going?

Ah, he's still here!

It doesn't look like he's going anywhere anytime soon.

Mm. I don't envy you.

Living with Shrek and Shrek's daddy. [Laughter]

Hey, auntie Rachel!

- Hey Ebony, happy Thanksgiving. - Thanks, you too. What's up, mom?

Hey boo, can you and your brother go and get me

two little things of cinnamon from the store, please?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, and tell Devin not to park in the handicap spaces.

Okay? Being a black man in America

does not qualify as being a disability. [Laughter]

I'll tell him. [Knocking]

Happy Thanksgiving, ladies.

Rachel, you look lovely,

nice color.

Ooh, thank you Cheryl, you flirting?

You know, once you go gay, you here to stay. [Laughter]

No thank you. Thank you very much, no.

So hey ladies, random, I have a question.

- Yes. - How do you feel about therapy?

Oh, I think it is a-

Complete waste of time!

Honey, just divorce Tony and move on.

- Ebony's seeing one. - What?!

That's wonderful!

I just love how progressive today's youth

are. I swear, I was born a generation too early.

Oh, you were born premature, alright.

I don't see the point in

telling a stranger your problems

and expecting them to know the right answers.

Oh, they're not strangers, they're trained professionals.

Oh, so certified strangers.

Yep, a therapist is like any relationship,

it just takes a few sessions and then you get to know each other.

Oh well, a few sessions costs more than a few dollars.

It's all a hustle.

Rachel, therapy is not, it's not a hustle.

No, no it is not a hustle,

it is a very liberating experience. It's

wonderful to handle stress,

and it can also be a place of happiness.

Hmm. I never heard of nobody happy going to therapy.

Therapy gets a very negative stigma.

You know, kind of like, light skinned girls are bougie.

Not true, right?

'Cause in reality, a session can be

just as much, if not more, positive than it is negative.

Well I still don't believe in it.

That's fine, because we can agree to disagree.

Right? Something I'm working on with my therapist.

I'll do it right now. It's fine. [Laughter]

And I bet that therapist

is giving you more than mental advice on that leather couch.

Oh, the chamomile tea. It's lovely. Two squirts of honey. It's the best.

[Laughter] [Instrumental Music]

Son, son, son, slow down.

You're moving so fast, it'd make my arthritis flare up.

Ah, sorry 'bout that man, I'm just tryin' to get to these honeys.

Honeys? Son, you're the only one down here.

Uh, well first of all, appreciate that compliment, but no,

This is a dating app, it's called Tinder.

You don't care nothin' about that, you married.

No I'm not, marriage is for suckers.

I'm a bachelor now. [Laughter]

- Word? I'm sorry to hear about that, man. - Oh, I'm not.

Bachelorhood's gonna be great,

as soon as my son stops nagging me, now what's the name of that thing?

Oh, this is Tinder, it's a dating app, right?

See, you gotta be more strategic with this.

You know, I myself like the gorilla tactic.

I swipe right on everything.

I'm swiping right now. [Laughter]

And what if you get a mud duck? [Laughter]

Well you want to get a couple mud ducks,

that's just a part of the game man, you know,

but then again, you also gon' find some bad ones.

Uh, a.k.a. some bad mamma jammas.

- Eh, no, no, let me see that thing. - Okay.

Swiping right, right?

Yeah, just like that. Now, be careful,

I got my age setting between 18

and a hundred, I don't discriminate.

Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

that thing's saying Beverly Stallworth.

You might want to swipe left on that one. [Laughter]

Unless y'all want to work it out, but I doubt it. [Laughter]

[Lisa] Alright, fresh out the oven.

Mm, 'bout time baby, I'm hungry as hell.

- Tony! - Alright, alright.

Damn boy, what are you, a psychic?

He does it every year.

Gotta admire the persistence.

Alright everyone, can we join hands

so we can bless this food and eat?

You know actually Lisa, I know it's not my house or anything-

No, it's not.

I know, I'm just a welcomed guest.

Tony, thank you for establishing that.

Anyhow, it would be my honor if I said a few words.

Okay Cheryl, go ahead, that's fine.

Should we join hands? Bow our heads?

Well I am so thankful that we could all be here together today

and I'm thankful for having the right people placed in our lives.

No matter if they're blood or just someone nice to talk to.

You know, because they're licensed and certified by the great

state of California which proves

that they are perfectly capable of talking to anyone.

And I would know because I too needed someone to talk to once.

And they were there for me.

Okay Dr. Phillis, I think she gets it.

Hurry up, and let's eat.

- Happy Thanksgiving, - Happy Thanksgiving.

Ebony, how's school going, sweetie?

It's going good, you know tryin' to get into the college life.

Oh, that's good.

You know you can always call me.

'Cause family is there for you, okay?

Family is who you should talk to,

not strangers. [Laughter]

Ah, right, right, right, right right!

But also remember

mkay, that there's absolutely nothing wrong

with talking to someone you actually want to talk to.

Yeah, not family.

Family is who she should be comfortable talking to.

That's my point, family.

In fact, what are you even doing here?

Oh, this, this peach cobbler, it's, it's really amazing,

anybody get a taste of it?

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, have, have you talked to your mother?

No.

Well apparently her and your aunt

took a last minute flight to some island.

Now, Stella can get her groove back, but your mother? No.

[Laughter]

I heard she been killin' it on Tinder. [Laughter]

Dad look, mom is just out living her best life.

That is impossible, I am the best thing in her life, and I am not there.

[laughter]

[Cheryl] Well I no longer agree to disagree with you,

because you're wrong.

No, your eye shadow is wrong.

Speaking of wrong, and this is my niece,

You don't know anything about her.

You're not even family, what are you doing here every-

I get it! Ugh!

You see what you did? [Scoffs]

You see what you did? You're pushy.

- Tony? - Mm-hmm?

- T-Tony! - Oh, fine.

Waitin' all day to eat this food and I can't even eat it.

Feel like I need a therapist. This is bull crap.

Is my grandma really on Tinder? [Laughter]

Swiped right on her, I didn't wanna tell nobody. [Laughter]

[Knocking] Come in.

Hey sweetie, what's really going on?

Yeah, out here saying "therapist" and whatnot.

In my day only therapy was shock therapy, belt to ass.

What? You were thinking it, too. [Laughter]

I haven't been completely honest about my college experience.

It hasn't been as good as I said it was.

Okay uh, well, talk to us honey.

College has been a lot harder than I thought.

Between school work and adjusting to being on my own,

I just felt overwhelmed and

that's why I started seeing a therapist.

I'm sorry, I hope you're not mad at me.

Mad at you?

Honey, please, with your grandfather here,

I'm thinking about going to therapy myself. [Laughter]

You're growing up

and taking control of your mental health, we're proud of you.

Very proud of you. You are blossoming into the

great young woman that I always knew you would be.

You make any father proud. [Audience] Aww.

Thanks, I love you guys.

We love you too, baby.

Now can we go eat? I'm hungry. [Laughter]

You guys drive safe! [Cell Phone Buzzes]

Hello?

Uh, son, um, now I'm gonna turn your, your man cave into my bedroom.

Dad, come on, now.

Ah, I'm not gonna make that many changes,

I'm gonna bring in my water bed, you know,

still got the water in it from the 70's, it's nostalgic.

Dad, you are not bringing your water bed,

your lava lamp and your ceiling mirror up in my house.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Son, how many times do I have to tell you-

For you.

Yeah, for you.

M-yello.

No, you were the one that said "leave". [Laughter]

Now you started this whole thing yourself. You were the one

You, you right, you right.

[Laughter]

- Son. - Mm?

I've decided to take your mother back. [Laughter]

- Well it sounded like- - Ah! Ah, ah.

- I decided. - Okay, okay. [Laughter]

Hey, I'm, I'm just happy that you guys worked it all out.

Yeah, that's really great to hear.

Yeah, you women are good.

Make yourself dependable so a man can't leave. [Laughter]

- Son! - Mm?

I'm gonna hit the road again, um,

just uh, just, just send my stuff.

Alright. [Chuckles]

Drive safe, dad.

- Thank you. - [Lisa] Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving you guys.

Hey, it all worked out.

Donnie, I see you!

Put my Shaq turkey down!

Hey!