Original subtitles

[Instrumental music] This vegan ice cream,

- girl! - Yeah. - I told you!

- Mm-hmm. - I told you you would like it.

I might change up.

What's wrong with you, Donnie?

Yeah, comin' over here lookin' like

Charlie Brown after Lucy pulls the football away.

But you smell more like Pigpen.

[Laughter]

Whatever, Thelma and The Weave.

- Ooh, good one. - Mm-hmm. [Laughter]

If you must know, Tamara and I broke up.

Aww, dang Donnie, I thought y'all were really getting along.

I did, too.

Well, want to have some ice cream with us?

Nah, ice cream is for women who eat they feelings.

Men just call our side pieces.

Mm, got a Rocky Road and Pralines and Cream

- I'll take Pralines and Cream. - Yeah, bet you would.

So what happened with you and Tamaka?

[Sighs] Well, everything was cool

until we went to the movies tonight, and,

she just...

I found out she talked to the screen.

[Giggles] What movie did you see?

We went to go see that new horror movie

with the old man who uh, loses his hands and feet in accidents

start killin' teenagers.

Oh, "Stumps?"

No spoilers, I've been meaning to see that.

Donnie, where there any white characters

in this movie?

Yeah, plenty.

Okay, well then you can't blame Tamaka. [Audience laughs]

I mean, white people act real stupid in horror movies.

And I'm in one, which means I

I feel the deeper inner workings

and spiritual yearnings

in people's souls.

So sometimes I do yell out at the screen,

"Fool! Don't go that way!

That's where the monster is!"

[Laughter]

That sound like somethin' that somebody shoulda

told you last boyfriend. [Laughter]

When it comes to yelling at the movie, a little bit is

fine, I do that,

but she was holding

full-on conversations with the screen.

Conversations?

- Yeah, I told you she was a therapist, right? - Mm-hmm.

So she's literally yelling at the killer,

"Hey Stumps, why are you doing this?

I think you have some unresolved childhood trauma that you need to address!"

Did anybody in the theater shush her?

Did they?

Everybody and they momma shush her,

and then she had the audacity

to shush them back, but louder! [Laughter]

And she hogged all the popcorn.

Well, that's the cardinal sin right there.

Donnie, you really dumped this girl because of this whole situation?

Why not just never go to the movies with her?

Well, I'll be honest,

she broke up with me. [Laughter]

- Oh... [Scoffs] - [Donnie] But it's okay.

[Voice breaking] because I'm a strong, independent

man and I don't need no woman!

[Laughter]

Good, 'cause you ain't gonna get one.

[Laughter]

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors want their fees

* The kids keep talking back to me

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time Family Time

[Instrumental music]

[Knocking]

Hi.

Hey Lisa, sorry to stop by unannounced.

Oh, no problem come on in.

Hi Brandon.

Now Brandon, you remember Mrs. Stallworth, right?

Of course. Hi, Mrs. Stallworth.

Hi, uh, can I offer you two anything to drink?

Ah, let me just cut to the chase.

First of all, I just want to say thank you for welcoming me and Brandon to the neighborhood.

Oh, of course. Always happy to be a good neighbor.

Alright, well in that case, let me put this to the test.

Uh, I just got called in for emergency surgery,

and I need to get to the hospital. And, um,

I've been calling all my sitters, and nobody's available.

Oh, of cour- yeah, I, I'll watch Brandon, yeah, of course.

Thanks Mrs. Stallworth.

If you don't watch me, I'll be home alone.

And what if robbers try to break in?

I'd be forced to set up traps for them.

Uh, Brandon I told you you could only use the "Home Alone" card

if she said no son, she said yes. [Laughter]

[Chuckles] Yeah, I will be more than happy

to watch Brandon. I just

hope everything is okay with your patient.

- Yeah, me too. All right. - Yeah, alright.

- Behave yourself. Alright, thanks again, Lisa. - Yeah.

Alright, no problem.

[Instrumental music]

Hey, Lisa!

I was driving home and I was thinking,

the best thing about having no kids in the house

means we can do whatever we want.

We can drink, we can cuss,

we can watch that dragon show everybody's so crazy about,

we can get butt naked in the living room if we...

Are you a child?

Yeah. [Laughter]

Lisa, there's a child in my living room about to get his ass beat.

[Laughter] Hey, Tony, you remember Brandon, Dean's kid.

- Oh, oh, oh yeah, the new uh, doctor that just moved in. - [Lisa] Yeah.

That's cool, that's cool. Um,

Whatcha doin' here boy? You lost and need a ride home?

No, Dean had an emergency surgery

so I'm watching him until he's done.

Oh, okay. Cool, cool, cool. That's right.

Alright, alright,

um, unrelated to all of this,

can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

- Yep. - Yeah?

Be real quick. Alright. [Chuckles]

What in the Little Ricky from "Boyz N the Hood"?

Listen, the best thing about not having kids in the house

means no kids in the house, not new kids in the house!

Oh, come on Tony, Dean is a single dad

and he couldn't find a last minute sitter.

You don't have to do anything, okay?

I am the one watching him.

Which means I can't watch you butt naked!

[laughter]

I can hear everything you guys are saying.

But, I don't mean to intrude,

but I'd be totally down to watch "Game of Scones".

I hear it's wild.

See? There, now that is a compromise.

"Game of Scones" time!

Hold on, does your father allow you to watch "Game of Scones" at home?

No, but he ain't here.

Mm! Preach, child!

He is not here!

- "Game of Scones"! - Nice try.

Okay? Nobody's watching "Game of Scones". [Laughter]

Why don't you two dragons have a little seat.

I'm gonna make dinner. [Laughter]

This sucks.

- What's that? - I mean, uh,

thanks for making dinner, hon. [Laughter]

[Instrumental music]

Hey, what y'all watchin'?

One of those reality shows where a bunch of

folks looks at a bunch of houses

then pretend to buy one.

Why don't we watch something fun, like "Game of Scones"?

We can't watch "Game of Scones",

because Brandon is here.

Hi.

Now who the hell is this?!

[Laughter]

Okay Donnie, I'm about to go against every

impulse in my body, but...

I have a proposition for you.

Of course you do. [He chuckles]

My place or yours? [Laughter]

Shut up, Deady Murphy. [Laughter]

Listen, I was jogging this morning and I met this

young lady, her name is Whitney, she's smart,

funny, beautiful, the whole package.

We went for coffee, and she says she's single

and looking to date.

You want me to set you up?

Wait, hold on, you tryin' to set Donnie up with your friend?

Looks like Luther Big Drawers is looking for an endless love. [Laughter]

Hell yeah Rachel, I'm down.

Okay, but before I give you her number, you have

to promise you're gonna behave on the date.

Why wouldn't I behave?

I made a list. [Laughter]

All right, Donnie's Don'ts. One:

you can't hit on anybody else during the date.

What id the waitress is bad,

and she lookin' at me,

and give me extra pie? [Laughter]

Alright, I promise.

Okay, two: you can't dress

how you usually dress.

What's wrong with this look?

Nothing if you work at Targé. [Laughter]

Three:

do not ramble on about your

crazy conspiracy theories. [Laughter]

- Alright, I promise all that. - Okay.

Look, there ain't no way Donnie ain't gonna be able to talk about conspiracies.

He doesn't even believe in the moon landing.

I believe in a moon landing,

I just don't believe in the moon. [Laughter]

Then what did we land on?

I'll tell you what we landed on,

a sound stage at Warner Brothers, Tone.

[Laughter] [Inaudible Dialogue]

Oh! I believe that, I believe that.

Stay woke.

This is probably your dad, Brandon.

[Brandon] Bye everyone.

- Alright flattop, take care of yourself. - Bye, Brandon.

- Hey! - Hey.

Thank you again for watching Brandon.

And um, you folks have a good night.

- Bye! - Come on, son.

Alright, goodnight.

- [Lori] Nice to meet you! - See ya.

[Lisa] Bye-bye.

Who Lisa, who was that ?

Oh, that's Dean, our new neighbor.

He's a surgeon.

[Loudly] A doctor?! [Laughter]

Okay Lori, don't start drooling on my couch, please.

[Stammering] That's not drool!

That's just my mouth wondering

if he's single.

[Tony] Of course he's single. [Lori gasps]

Otherwise, Lisa wouldn't be his emergency go-to babysitter.

[Breathless] Oh, Lisa...

If that's the case, why don't you just set him up with a new girl

who he could use as his emergency babysitter?

Can't be that hard to find a woman who wants to date a doctor.

[Lori clears her throat] [Laughter]

And a good looking one, at that.

Hmm.

Hey Lori, how 'bout we set you up with Dean?

Ah! Oh, brother-in-law!

- Yes! Yes, yes! - Come on, I was gonna keep my mouth shut,

but Rachel, you settin' Donnie up with your friend,

now you tryin' to set Lori and Dean up? That's too much.

Set ups never work.

Remind me how you and Tony met?

Uh, we were set up by a mutual friend.

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music] - [Tony] You'll be fine. - [Lori] No. No, no.

- You gotta say nice things. - Y'all, I don't like this.

It feels manipulative.

There's nothing manipulative about it.

We're just gonna trick our neighbor into dating your sister.

Yeah, Lisa.

Why don't you want me to be happy?

It'll be easy.

He's on his way over.

We'll just talk Lori up, and then

she'll be stuck babysitting this kid.

Yeah, I don't think you're capable of talking Lori up.

[Chuckling] You've never said one nice thing about her.

Yes, I have.

Oh really? Okay, try saying something nice about her now.

[Stammering] You, uh, uh...

[Laughter]

You don't look as bad as you did yesterday. [Laughter]

Thank you, thank you Tony.

[Knocking] Oh! Oh, that's him! Go, go, go!

- Run around back! - O-o-okay, okay! - Careful, careful.

- Dean! How you doin'? - Hey, what's going on, brother?

Hey Dean, good to see you.

- Have a seat. - Appreciate it.

I just want to say thank you for inviting me over,

you know, I don't really have too many friends in town, yet.

Well I'm sure that will change very soon.

Listen, you know, you being our neighbor, I figured

you should come on over and we get to know you.

All right, well, let's see, um,

I was born in Georgia, and- [Loud banging]

Wha? I wonder...

who that is? I'm not expecting anyone.

Yeah, I, I'm not expecting anyone.

Is that weird? I don't know.

Oh, Lori! [Chuckles]

My God, what are you doing here? [He chuckles]

[Out of breath] I just happened... happened to be...

- ...in the neighborhood. - Oh.

I just... I just thought I'd come on by. You know

how much I love family, Tony.

that is so thoughtful of you.

Dean, have you met Lisa's sister, Lori?

No, I don't think so.

- Dean. - Well, actually we did meet.

When you came to pick up your son.

Yes! He's such a perfect angel.

- Right. - eah.

- Yeah, yeah, um... - Easy, easy.

[Chuckles]

Well uh, I'm glad you and Brandon got along.

Oh, I'm terrific with kids. Tell him, Lisa.

Oh yeah, yeah, my son's first words were "aunt Lori!"

Yeah, I love that story.

- Tell it again, - Like, "you're my favorite, aunt Lori".

- That's good. - He said that!

Well alright, so what is it that you do, aunt Lori?

- I'm a paralegal. - Was...

...a paralegal. Now, she's a big time lawyer!

- Lots of huge cases. - Really?

Any of them I might know of?

Have you heard of OJ Simpson?

- Okay. - You did? - Yeah.

Oh, well, uh well, uh, no, not that case,

uh, but the one where we're seeking royalties

from that hip-hop song

that rapper did about his story. [Laughter]

Which one is that?

I'm a busy woman. [Laughter]

You know Dean was just telling us

that he doesn't know many people in town.

Maybe you could take him around, maybe

take him to dinner or something?

- Yeah, if you don't mind- - It's a date.

Um, I mean... [Laughing]

Great! Let's just hope OJ doesn't show up.

[Laughter]

You'll be fine, you'll be fine.

- Wine? - Please.

[Instrumental music]

[Donnie sighs]

Donnie, what're you doing here?

Thought you was on a date with uh, Rachel's friend.

Came and went, Tone.

Came and went,

Didn't go well?

It went...

amazing, man!

Okay.

Yeah, first we went to go see "Stumps".

Didn't you just go see that the other day?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I wanted to go see it with

somebody who wasn't talking at the screen.

Right? And then we went to dinner, and uh,

man, she's just so easy to talk to, right?

She has an interesting theory, actually, on who killed Robert Kennedy.

[Audience laughs]

John F. Kennedy

who faked his own death.

[Laughter] Hmm.

Well if it went so well man, why are you

here instead of still with her?

Well, uh...

I walked her to the car

and then I went in for the kiss

- full rejection. - Ooh.

Then I asked her if she wanted to go on a second date,

and she said no.

I got your text Donnie, what the hell happened?

Well first of all, your heels are loud as hell,

and that's what I was hoping you could tell me!

So, everything went great, but she doesn't want to

see you ever again?

That doesn't make any sense to me.

- Did you say something to offend her? - No!

Did you hit on the waitress?

Hell no! Which was hard,

because if you'd have seen her man, I was trying to give her a whole lot of tips

'cause she was bad, but no! [Laughter]

Where you rude to the waitress?

Ooh, I hate when people are rude to servers, it's such a turn off.

No, I was totally cool.

Lemme smell your breath. [Laughter]

Surprisingly fresh and minty.

'Preciate that, baby girl. [Laughter]

So look, I really need you to help me with this one, Rachel.

- What you want me to do? - I need you

to set up like a, like a group hang, right?

Where it's like all three of us kickin' it,

and, and you just chat me up.

What do I get in return?

M-mm! How 'bout this?

How 'bout you agree to help Donnie,

get the hell out of my house so I can finish watchin' the game! [Laughter]

We should do it before he change his mind.

[Laughter]

[Instrumental music]

Hi, we have dinner reservations for two.

Under Tisha Campbell.

[Laughter]

Thank you.

- Here you go. [Chuckles] - Why, thank you, sir.

You know, I haven't had this much fun

at night, it has...

well...

it's probably not a good idea to talk about my divorce on our first date.

Oh, no.

Lay on me.

[Stammering] I, I mean lay it on me.

Lay it, IT, on me.

[Both laughing]

Okay.

Oh God, you know, I don't even know why I stayed married to her so long.

You know, probably because of

child support.

Alimony.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Well, you know, probably Brandon's sake.

You know, but the woman, she was, she was petty,

she was selfish,

and most importantly, she was a liar.

Yeah, she was the type of person that would lie about

anything to try to make herself look more impressive.

Oh, I hate people like that. [Dean chuckles]

Well look, enough about me,

so, how's things going with you?

You working on any exciting cases?

Uh, bah, sah...

I'm about to catch a case!

- Would you excuse me, please? - Sure.

[Quietly] Come here.

What the hell are you doin' here?

I told you me and Dean were comin' here for dinner tonight!

I know, it sounded delicious, and I'm hungry.

You don't know me. [Laughter]

Ain't nobody worried about you and Suge.

[Laughter] [Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

Mm! "Game of Scones" time!

Hi Mr. Stallworth.

Hey Brandon.

Lisa, uh, why is young Wesley Snipes here again? [Laughter]

Who did you think was gonna watch him while Lori and Dean went out?

[Laughter] Hmm.

[Instrumental music]

Well Donnie, I am really impressed.

Most guys can't handle rejection.

Well, you know, I'm not most guys.

That's me, Donnie:

kind, understanding, devilishly handsome. [He chuckles]

And a good friend.

Uh, uh, a great friend, actually. [Laughter]

Real loyal. Yeah.

Oh, uh, the kind of friend that you want to

keep around and, and then one day you realize

"wow, I better snatch him up before somebody else does!"

[Laughter]

Thank you so much Rachel,

so nice of you to say, and so unprompted!

Yeah. [Laughter]

You know, you go for it, Rachel.

Yeah, why don't you got for it, Rachel? [Laughter]

We actually did get married in Vegas once.

Long story, but um, it would never work.

Mostly because I'm lesbian.

I knew it!

So am I.

You couldn't tell that I was hitting on you that day we met at the park?

You said you were single and looking to date.

- Well I was waiting for you to ask me out. - Oh.

Check, please! [Laughter]

[Instrumental music]

Mr. Stallworth?

Uh, hey little Bobby Brown, what's up with you? [Laughter]

I just wanted to apologize.

Uh oh, what did you break?

No, don't worry, it's probably Lisa's. [Laughter]

No, just for being around.

I can tell I'm ruining all your fun.

Aw nah man, you're not ruining my fun.

Have, have a seat, have a seat.

I'm the one that should be saying I'm sorry.

Okay? I apologize for being so grumpy when you're around. I...

guess I just miss my kids so much

that I've gone a little too far anti-kid.

But, I promise I'll be cool.

You seem pretty cool |with all these video games.

Hm, yeah, my son taught me how to play.

You any good?

Yeah, I could whup some butt.

Really Okay, well let's find out then.

Alright, alright.

[Game beeping]

[Instrumental music]

So what do you say after dinner we uh,

go get a drink?

Uh, I would love to.

I was actually talking to Rachel.

I can't come? I got my liquor license. [Laughter]

I'd love to.

Well what do you guys say we go to my place

get a couple of drunks and uh, see where the night goes?

No thanks. [Laughter]

Uh, we aren't really looking for a third wheel.

Uh-huh, it's all good. Can I get that check? [Laughter]

Separately, please. [Laughter]

Are those peanuts?

Oh, lemme see.

Mm, yeah. There's nuts in there.

Excuse me! Excuse me.

Hi, hi, yes.

Um, I ordered this without nuts.

I specifically said that I had an allergy.

Now if I were to take a bite of this, I could have died.

Moron!

Rude to servers, ain't that one of your turnoffs?

[Sighs] Oh, God, I should sue this place.

Uh, excuse me, miss.

Look, if you lookin' to sue, my uh,

date here, she's a terrific lawyer.

Uh, oh, I didn't bring my license.

It's, it's okay.

Lori? [Laughter]

Ha! She didn't even pass the damn bar!

Wait, really?

[Coughs]

Well...

I should testify

I may have been...

doing some lying to impress you.

So you never defended OJ.

Oh I defend OJ every

day, and I don't care what none of y'all think.

Johnny Cochran 101,

the glove didn't fit,

[Both] they had to acquit.

[Laughter]

So you're not a lawyer,

but you had a great time with my son.

Oh, he is so sweet.

Are you having a good time with me tonight?

The best.

Then I forgive you.

Tisha Campbell. [She gasps]

- Oh my gosh, you heard me? - I heard you.

[She laughs] Oooh!

[Laughter]

Shut up, Donnie!

- Girl, I get this whole basket. - Oh, no you don't!

[Instrumental music]

Come on, oh!

Boom! That's game, son!

Run me my money. [Laughter]

I be, I'm, I'mma get it to you, I'mma get it to you.

Run it, do two out of three.

Brandon, your dad's here.

- One more round, please? - Ugh.

Yeah, yeah, come on Lisa, one more round!

No, it's late.

Alright, well, maybe another time Mr. Stallworth.

Oh definitely another time.

You can tell Dean I will watch Brandon

anytime. See you later, B-Dawg! [Laughter]

Bye, Brandon. [Tony chuckles]

Well I'm glad you two got along so well.

Yeah, he's a good kid. He be cheatin' but he's a good kid.

- Ah.. - Nah, I'm just glad that we are

- finally the only two adults in here. - Oh.

Hey, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh yeah, "Game of Scones" time!

No, Tony, I was actually thinking like, private time.

Okay, let's compromise.

Private time, then "Game of Scones".

Ah, who am I kidding? After private time, it's gonna be sleepy time.

Matter of fact, let's, let's start with a nap. How 'bout that?

[Instrumental music]

[Lisa] Hey, you know what, I was thinking honey,

there are some advantages to not having no kids in the house.

Oh yeah, what's that?

No one in the living room, no one in the kitchen. [Laughter]

No one in the man cave,

and no one to hear us scream! [Laughter]

Oh wait a minute, hold that thought. [Phone vibrates]

[Lisa yawns] Yes, Devon?

[Chuckles]

No, I don't care how much you hate

ramen noodles, I am not sending you

any more money for food.

You want to make 'em taste better?

Chop up some franks,

make you some hot dog soup, goodbye boy. [Laughter]

Where were we? [Phone vibrates]

Oh! You know, hold on, hold on, Ebony

Ebony, hey baby, no,

no, no! Don't listen to your aunt Viv.

Don't put no cream cheese in mac 'n cheese!

No, I'mma have to call you back, okay? [Laughter]

In the meantime, study!

Okay, bye bye, love you! [Tony chuckles]

You know where we can't hear our phones?

- The Jacuzzi. - You know that's right!

Although the last time we were int eh Jacuzzi,

the Jacuzzi wasn't the only thing making bubbles.

[Laughing]

- You wanna explain yourself? - Oh, really? [Laughter]

I mean it wasn't me, is what I'm saying.

I didn't know you saw that! [Laughter]

[Inaudible] [Laughter]

[Instrumental music]