Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh, hey. What you got there?

Mmm. I stopped by Quizways and got my favorite sandwich on the planet,

turkey and salami.

Ooh, that sounds good.

Oh yes it is. I'm about to tear this bad boy up.

I'm so hungry, my stomach is nawin' on my backbone.

Mm mm mm hm. Thank you, babes.

Woa woa woa woa, that's not for you.

Lisa, I called you on the way home and asked if you were hungry and you said, no.

Well yeah, that's before I knew you were goin' to Quizways.

Listen, you know I love their sandwiches.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah. But still. Come on, now.

What, Tone? You just need to learn how to share.

And you need to learn to tell people you hungry.

Tony just, you can go back and get another one, jeesh.

Lisa you always do this. I order just enough food for me,

and you wind up eatin' half my food.

I do not.

You do! And I can prove it.

Oh how you gonna do that?

Oh.

- Oh you think you so smart, huh? - Yeah, a little bit.

- You don't want to share anything in this house? - Buh.

Well I got some butter pecan ice cream in the freezer,

and you can't have any.

That's old people ice cream. I don't want that.

Well, you better not be usin' my my shower wash to

- ...exfoliate. - Okay now now now that is not,

that is not nice cause you know I love to exfoliate.

Use some on your feet cause your feet be cuttin' and scratchin' harder than a

DJ in the 80's.

[Theme Music]

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time. Family Time

* Family Time. Waa aah woa oah oah oah yeah *

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, what's up, Brandy?

You seen Tony? I'm tryin' to borrow 20 dollars.

Hey Donnie, and Mr. Stallworth

got the day off.

[Scoffs] Must be nice runnin' your own business. You can just come and go whenever you want.

Yeah. Comin' from the guy that looks at the orange juice carton

for 20 minutes because it says, concentrate.

[Audience laughter]

[Phone vibrates]

Hell, no!

I can't believe this.

What's the matter?

This don't mean we friends, okay?

But this new guy I was datin' just dumped me

over text.

Well, breakin' up over text is the easiest way to break up.

Also the easiest way to make sure your stuff don't get broke up.

[Cracking] [Grunting]

[Audience laughter]

And that's why he sent the text.

Right. And that's why he gonna get blocked. Welcome to the block party.

He must be crazy to break up witchu?

[Audience laughter]

That's what I'm sayin'. He must be crazy.

You know Donnie, I'm just sick and tired

of these crazy men.

You know what I'm a do? I know what I'm a do.

I'm a call up my cousin, Fri'chikenisha,

oh cause I gots a pass, and I'm a give him

some of this two piece. That's right. He gonna mess with me.

You don't mess with Brandy.

Fri'chikenisha?

Does it come with a biscuit, so you can sop that ass up?

[Audience laughter]

Donnie, I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you, okay?

[Audience laughter]

I just don't know what the problem is?

Oh that's easy. The problem is you.

And what's that supposed to mean, Donnie, huh?

Say it with your chest. What's that supposed to mean?

It it just, I it just means

that I think you should keep your eyes open for the signs.

Now if you back it up, I could easily find you a date.

[Audience laughter]

Okay.

- Ooh. - Hooh!

Why don't you got a girlfriend?

Man, you are too small to be that strong.

I...

don't know what women do to get men. I just know what men do to get women.

And I don't have a girlfriend because I don't know

- ...how y'all operate. - Hmm.

Well that's easy.

Okay well...if it's so easy,

I'll be you that I could help you find a date and y'all would have an amazin' time.

Hmm. I like this Donnie. And I bet you that I will help you

find a date and you will have an amazin' time.

So how do you want to do this?

So glad you asked, Brandy.

I just downloaded an app called Boo'd Up,

and I know I could find your perfect match.

Okay so, what are we gonna bet on?

Hmm.

I bet you...that if I win,

- you gotta give me 20 dollars I was gonna borrow from Tony. - Mm hm.

Hmm. And I bet,

if I win, you have to be my personal assistant for a day.

Yeah.

[Instrumental Music]

Y'oh, my God! Donnie, is that you?

What is wrong wit your face, woman? It looks like

you got into a fight with the ugly stick.

Tony, I wish you would take a nice, long, hot bath

with a blow dryer.

What's goin' on, Rachel?

I have a big date tonight

with sexy Sophia.

You mean psycho Sofia?

Isn't she the same one who said she eats

soap because she has dirty thoughts?

Sho is.

- She just broke up with Dirty Diana and I-- - Ah, let me guess.

She left her to go on tour to become some band groupie.

Nah nah. Dirty Diana don't be washin' them armpits.

Sophia got tired of everybody thinkin' it was her that was stinkin'.

Oh yeah. That'll do it.

I wanna borrow your big pot cause I'm gonna make some gumbo for Sophia

from this recipe I found online.

Oh yeah, no problem.

Mm, then when the water gets nice and hot, why don't you just hop in it.

[Audience laughter]

And why don't you jump into traffic

and then run head first.

You two are too much!

- Here. - Thanks, I'll bring it back later.

Thank you.

Yeah, no need to bring it back.

- You're probably due for a new trough. - Oh.

[Horse neighing sound]

Ooh, you got a lot of fight in you this mornin', Mohammad all you can eat.

[Audience laughter]

- I'm just sayin' - That's just too much.

[Knocking]

She back already? She must have thought we was playin' fetch.

Huh, what's up, Wiggy Smalls?

Now Tony, you now I don't sew it. I grow it, but thank you for the compliment.

Okay, well what do you want? I'm tryin' to have a nice

lazy day with my wife.

Okay, let's be nice.

No, no, no. It's okay, Lisa. Big Tony's just teasing.

Okay, now I know you want somethin'. Spit it out.

Actually I did sign you two up for my

favorite reality show, In Loving Color. And after submitting you for a while,

selected.

Okay, what kind of show is it?

Are you kidding me? Okay, each showcases

the power of black love,

add what it takes to have a successful marriage.

Yeah, yeah. I've heard about it. It's getting a lot of views, right?

Yes, yes. And you know what? Honestly, since my divorce,

I strive to have a relationship as beautiful as this right here.

Okay, now I don't think I want our relationship all out there like we some reality stars.

But Tony, you have to share your love with the world. It's a responsibility.

Yeah, you know she's right. It could be an opportunity to set a good example, you know,

for other couples that might be struggling in their relationship.

Exactly. Exactly. I mean you two are a perfect couple. You're basically like

Barak and Michelle.

I have been known to look rather presidential.

Alright so, so what do we have to do?

Practically nothing, Tony. I mean, they're gonna interview you sitting on your couch with a

small crew. In and out before you know it. Come on, say yes.

- What do you say? Say yes. - [Lisa] Let's do it, Tony.

- Alright, let's do it. - [Cheryl] Yes!

- Oh, yay! - So when do they want to interview us?

- Oh right now...Mm hm. - Right now?

Come on in, guys!

- Come on in? - You know what? They're probably hungry.

- And hot. It's 100 degrees out there. - Yeah, mm hm.

Mm hm. Don't worry. This is what we'll do.

Cheryl.

[Tony] That's how you feel?

You look terrible, honey. You should go get dressed.

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

Okay, just press that button right there.

- Okay. - That's it.

Now, what do you think about her?

- Uh. - She's cute.

- Look at that head. I bet when she was in school she was - What?

a head of her class.

- I bet she's heading for trouble. - Oh okay, you bein' funny.

Alright so look, what about her?

Ah, look at that nose.

I be she knows when you sleepin' and knows when you awake.

Okay Donnie, you ain't that cute to be that picky.

Okay, well let's take a look through your phone then.

Okay, cool.

Um...

mm. What about this guy?

Oh, no. Is that a grill?

Donnie, it looks like he's been chewin' aluminum foil.

Okay, ah no, no

ah, how about him?

Ehhhm, from a scale of 1 to 10.

that's a no.

Keep lookin'.

- No, no. - Huh mm.

Hell, nah!

That is a negative.

- Ooh, I got it! - I got it!

Ooh, let me see.

Okay, okay. Now before we do this,

I say to ensure that we've picked the perfect match for each other,

we go on a double date, so that way you can coach me and I can coach you.

But, wouldn't it be weird, though?

No, we can just say we cousins.

Okay.

Let's do it. Heh!

Man, last time I saw a girl this fine, she had 3 personalities and none of them like me.

[Instrumental Music]

I'm so glad you two agreed to do the show.

- Well, thank you so much for having us. - Oh it is a pleasure.

So we're gonna try something new, and we're gonna go live on our social media

platforms with this interview. Are you okay with that?

Oh yeah we are, they are so good with that.

That's great. [Audience laughter]

Are we ready to get started?

[Tony] Sure.

Okay, let's do this, guys.

In 3, 2...

What's up, everybody. Thanks for joining us here on our live stream.

This week we are interviewing Tony and Lisa Stallworth.

Their love is what brought us here today.

Say hello to our 200,000 viewers watching right now.

- Hi, everybody. - What's up?

Hello. Hi, I'm Cheryl. I'm the neighbor.

I'm single, and I'm a Capricorn.

And I love walks on the beach because who doesn't?

Listen up, this is not a dating show, Cheryl.'

[Cheryl mumbling]

[Audience laughter]

Okay, a let's get to our first question, shall we?

How did you guys meet?

Oh, we were high school sweethearts.

Mm, yes. I was on the football team, and Lisa was on the cheerleading squad.

Let's just say, I like the way she shaked her pom-poms.

[Laughter]

Ask 'em if they made out under the bleachers.

- That's not all we did under the bleachers. - Tony!

- Well she asked. - No, just stop.

Well so Tony, how did you know she was the one for you?

I knew when I scored the winning touchdown and won state.

Oh well actually, you know they hit Tony so hard

that he knocked out.

And I was like, whew! But luckily, one of the other players

they caught him right before he hit the ground and then they carried him

in for the touchdown!

- But I still scored. I still, I still scored. - You did.

And then I scored again, because when I came to,

I reached into my gym bag, pulled out a promise ring.

It smelled like you know, sweaty football socks.

Oh, that's beautiful.

What would you say keeps you two together?

Ooh, I would say trust and communication.

Mm hm. And and even though we've been married for a long time,

a being able to maintain our own independence helps, you know.

Not to mention havin' your own bank account. You know what I'm talkin' about?

You know what I'm talkin' about.

[Awkward laughter]

You have your own account, Tony?

Come on, baby. Not in front of 200,000 people. Now knock it off.

And besides, we talked about this. Remember?

- No, we did not,Tony. - Nope. You definitely didn't. I would remember that.

- We didn't talk about it. - No, no. We really did.

Okay, let's just move on to

- the next one. - You know most of the couples we interview say...

if you don't have communication and trust,

it's really hard to love someone.

Yes. We we, we know that.

I'm just I'm just saying, you could be more open, Tony.

Okay, Iyanla Van-can't! Ah, I don't need you to fix my life, alright.

Can we just a move on to the next question, please?

- Can we get-- - Wow, okay. What would you say is your worst argument?

And how did you get over it?

I would say it was when I found out Tony had a

side bank account

that he never told me about.

- [Angry laughter] - Come on, baby.

We got over this. We talked we talked about this--

- No we didn't, Tony! - No, no nope. That was never discussed.

Yes it was discussed, actually.

[Tony] Ah, what else--

You know what? Why don't you take your little secret money from your secret account,

and spend the night with it on the couch!

- By yourself. How about that, Tone. - Ooh, and then you can spend

the night with the man in the mirror

too, Michael Jackass!

- I thought, I thought we got over this. - No, we did not, Tony!

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

So then my manager says, do you think I'm stupid, me and you?

And I was like everybody know that you don't hire stupid people.

[Laughter]

Exactly.

Ah, yeah. So, Brandy...

- Yes. - What do you like to do in your free time?

Oh I am so glad you asked. I am actually a big

gamer. You see I'm actually a level forty master chief

in Halo Killer 3000.

- Are you serious? I didn't know you played... - I am so serious.

Then what's your gamer tag?

Brown Sugar 89. You never seen me on there?

- Oah. - What? That is crazy.

That sounds very a sedentary.

[Phone vibrating]

Oh. Well really, I don't really play those type of games anymore.

It's silly. A actually if I had a man,

I would be working out and cooking for him.

Oh, I hear that.

Ah ooh wuh, what do you do?

Oh, I'm a track coach at the local university.

I used to run track in college.

- Really? Which event? - Yes.

I was a heptathlete.

What?! Were you born like that?

[Audience laughter]

Anyway, what about you? What do you do, Donnie?

Well I love binge watchin' Power Rangers. You know I feel like

Black Ranger was very underrated. I mean [Phone dings]

I mean I love long walks on the beach.

um I love payin' women's bills.

And I wanna hear you complain about everybody you work with.

Yeah. Eh what what about you? What do you do?

I'm a stunt woman.

- Wow, so you're pretty active, huh? - Wow.

And hey, if you ever need somebody to work out with,

- I'm your guy. - She won't. She won't. - Okay.

Just give me a call.

- We should link up. - She won't. - Okay.

- [Clears throat] Um excuse. Hey! - Hey.

Yeah, so what do you plan on orderin'? Let's look at the menu.

- That's what we need to do. - Oh I'm a order the steak because you know I like to do

all you know, meat-based diet and stuff.

- Right. - You know I I think I'm gonna order the lobster

[Donnie clears throat]

[Audience laughter]

bisque, lobster bisque. You know cause I'm very active

I'm active too. I'm active.

What do you suggest, Donnie?

[Phone vibrates] Oh I suggest that you smell like fish.

Excuse me?

- Ah, - Really? Could you come with me to the bar...

to get somethin' to drink, please?

You know what? I am very thirsty right now.

- That would be great. - Yeah, me too.

Mm hm. Y'all just stay your little cute self right here.

Don't go nowhere. Mm hm.

Stay separate.

Come on over here, Donnie. Yeah, come. [Clears throat]

- Let me get a red wine, please. - Oh yeah, coming right up.

Donnie, what was you thinkin'?

I said order her a fish, not tell her she smell like fish.

I was wonderin' why you sent that. Must have been a damn auto correct.

Donnie, listen. Women like romance.

You know, we like that love type of romance.

Well listen, you can't be so open, okay.

You gotta have a little bit of mystery to you. Men love mystery. It drives us crazy.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [Clears throat] Excuse me.

Ah, one of y'all gonna pay for this drink?

Oh he gonna pay for it. He know I don't buy drink.

[Laughs] Ah one second there, brotha.

- [Bartender] Okay. - Why are you dealin' with him anyway?

- If I was him, I would just let you be you. - Right.

That's exactly what I'm sayin'. I need somebody to let me be me, Donnie.

Ah, look like y'all dates is leavin' with each other.

[Chair scrapes] Oh hell, no.

Damn, you should never trust a light-skinned brotha with a salmon shirt on.

[Audience laughter]

Ah excuse me a, Ms. Janelle NoMo-nae,

I'm gonna need either you or Questlove-handles here to pay for this drink.

Ah...excuse me, Skinny Kravitz.

Well look, hey a Brandy, you got it.

[Audience laughter]

- He want money. I don't use currency. - Ah yeh yeh yah!

I got it.

How's that Go ahead. Take that.

Thank you, ma'am.

[Sighs] Look...dang. That

now how my gonna get home? I guess I gotta call me a Goober cause

he was my ride.

Oh don't worry about that, girl. I'll give you a ride.

And, you ain't even gotta leave me a tip.

- Well sure. Why we still here? Let's go. - Let's go, then.

Thanks for the drink, malnourished Will Smith.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, baby. Please tell me that dinner is ready.

I'm so hungry, I could eat my elbows.

[Sighs] Lisa, how long are we gonna keep doin' this?

I said I was sorry.

Why did you even have another account, Tony?

It was an emergency account. You know a just in case account.

Just in case what?

Just in case we wanted to go on vacation.

Now what you mean is just in case you wanted to do your own thing.

Look, I got rid of the account years ago.

I never want to do my own thing, baby.

I share everything with you and that's all I ever want to do.

Oh I'm sorry. Did I just roll my eyes out loud?

I don't like bein' left in the dark, Tony.

Hey, you act like I'm never left in the dark.

What are you talkin' about?

I seem to remember finding 3 Nada bags in the trunk.

Now did I give you a hard time about those?

Now Tony, that was nada your business.

Lisa, Lisa...

listen. I never wanna leave you in the dark, ever.

No talk show can show me how to love you.

And when I said those vows, I meant them.

Love you too, Tony.

Well bring it in then.

[Knocking]

[Chuckling] Oh, damn.

I didn't know that gators snuck out the swamp this late.

The only thing with scales around here is you, Broadzilla.

- Here, Lisa. - Thank you.

How'd your date go?

Mm, we argued the whole night.

Not good then, huh?

No actually it was great, cause we made up for it in the bedroom.

Oh, you two are like fire and ice, huh?

Speakin' of fire and ice, I saw your

live-stream interview. Is everything okay?

Yes, everything is fine. And I would appreciate it

that if any-- [Knocking]

[Sighs]

Oh good, Tony.

Uh you are never gonna guess. Your livestream was the most

viewed yet. 500,000 viewers.

Does that mean I'm a get a check?

- Oh you mean are we gonna get a check for that? - Yes, of course I mean we.

- Of course. - Your episode was amazing.

"In Loving Color" wants to do a follow up.

We'll call it, "Where are they now?"

- It would be amazing, right? - Wait wait, hold that thought. Hold that thought.

Because I was thinkin' maybe we could shoot it

- out here on the porch. - - So..

- Right. Now, now, now do this. - All we need to do-- - Yeah.

- Now if you walk, but you gotta step back a little bit. - Come up with a time.

Cause this is my vision. I was walk--

[Audience laughter]

Ah, don't you think it's time you shaved those chin hairs

and take off like a rocket, Jane Fonda?

Speakin' of basketball, I think your breath is a flagrant foul.

- Okay, that's enough. - [Tony] ???

Alright. It's fine. I'm a get outa here, see if I can catch up with that camera crew.

See if they want to do a story on lesbian love.

Ooh, I can call it, Les-be in love,

like they get like let's be in love, lesbian--

ooh oah ???

[Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Donnie laughs] And that's what I told him about he milk and the breakfast.

Look, thanks for drivin' me, Donnie.

Look at that. These daggone keys right here the whole time.

Oh yeah.

- Wow. - Hey a unfortunately, I'm still gonna have to charge you though.

You know, business is business.

Donnie, you know I know all about business. It's okay.

Just put it on my tab, like I did that drink for you. Mm hm.

Well played. Ah but yeah, it's the least I could do,

especially after corny-ass Bashir had the audacity

to leave you stranded and leave with my girl.

Exactly. That's what I said. Now look at us,

we right back here where we started.

Well wouldn't say that. You know, I got a chance to find out you're an avid gamer.

You love lobster...

bisque and a, you're a very beautiful girl.

Well Dog Dutch McDonald,

if I din't know any better, I'd say you was flirting with me.

[Laughter] Believe me baby girl, if I was flirtin' witchu,

you'd know it!

Okay, Donnie. Don't mess around and get pregnant.

[Chuckling] I'm on birth control.

Wooh! Just like I like 'em.

I might as well help you clean up around here because ah I guess we

both kinda lost the bet.

You know um...the last guy that looked at me like that,

paid my rent for 6 months.

Well I live in my car, so you can live there with me

but a we just gotta let the seat back.

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

Donnie...Donald!

Wha wha what's up? What's up?

What's up wit you, man? You're not even watchin' the game.

Aw yeah, it's this datin' app, man.

I'm finally startin' to realize they don't really

allow a person to showcase their full personality on here, man.

It's like we headed towards a world where you can't even put your phone in your

back pocket and make a booty call anymore.

Yeah, this comin' from a guy who kept takin' antibiotics cause he thought

his computer gave him a virus.

Hey man, my mouse is still a rodent and rodents

carry disease.

[Audience laughter]

Now don't hurt yourself. But you know you are onto somethin'.

The game has changed a little.

Now I'm just glad that I'm happily married and I gotta go through none of that.

Tssh, you lucky to be out the game, man.

Cause if you was back in the game, you couldn't get nobody new.

Knock it off. I still got game.

Oh is that right, Tony?

Hah! Hey, babe. Okay, it sounds like the game,

the game is on. Can't you see?

- [Lisa] Mm hm. - The game. And um...

later we're gonna watch boxin' on pay per view.

- Mm. - Listen, I got it all down here.

Yeah.

Don't we need some paper if we gonna watch pay per view?

What is he even sayin', Tony? [Audience laughter]

Don't even pay no attention, baby. He he thinks we need batteries

in order to watch "Power."

Do you know how many walls I had to strip to watch "The Wire?"

[Instrumental Music]