Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Lori, I can't believe you talked us into ordering from some bougie-ass

Infinity and Beyond cafe.

Oh come on, Tony. This place has a real buzz on the internet goin' from bein' the

newest healthy restaurant in town.

Yeah, they're supposed to be light years ahead of the competition.

There's nothin' wrong with eatin' healthy every now and then, Tony.

Ugh, smells like it was marinated in armadillo urine.

Uah, how do you even know what armadillo urine smells like?

I've been in the bathroom after you.

You know what? I'm a need you two to cut it out.

Let's just eat our dinner, please.

Well it's this sea slug's fault anyway for bringin' this food over here, man.

I don't know whether to put salt on it or salt on her.

Oh Tony, hurry up.

Throw the salt over your

- ...shoulder so you don't get bad luck. - The left one.

Knock it off with that bad luck mumbo jumbo. I won the lottery, remember?

Well it's a lucky thing you did cause if you hadn't, my baby sister

never woulda married your broke ass.

Now Tony you can't tell me you've never heard that spillin' salt on the table is

bad luck. I mean it's just like walkin' under a ladder.

Or, breakin' a mirror.

Now look, I walk under a ladder everyday at work.

And Lori breaks mirrors every time she looks at 'em.

How about I break your jaw?

Look I I just I don't believe in any of that superstitious mumbo jumbo.

Haven't you ever heard of the old adage, step on a crack,

break yo mama back?

I remember the day our uncle Junebug stepped on a crack.

And then grandma slipped down the church steps

- ...and she, she broke her 3rd vertebrae. - You remember that?

- Yeah. - [Tony] Man, y'all crazy.

Ooh man, I think I just bit a chicken toe.

[Theme Music]

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time *

* Family Time. Family Time *

* Family Time. Waa aah woa oah oah oah yeah *

[Instrumental Music]

Lisa have you seen that budget proposal that I've been workin' on all weekend?

I gotta make sure it's perfect before I send it to these clients

but I can't seem to find it.

Uh oh, Tony. You're gettin' old, huh baby?

What's next? You're gonna be forgettin' your birthday?

No, our anniversary.

Makin' fun of me don't seem so fun now does it?

I'm just sayin' you know, sometimes you're lookin' for

somethin' and it's been right under your

nose the whole time.

[Tony laughs]

- Thank you, baby. - Mm hm.

You're welcome.

I'm just so nervous about this deal with the city council

because if it goes through, I might be able to add

a room to this house.

Oh yeah, balance that budget, baby.

- Go ahead, get some business. - Yeah, I know that's right.

Better yet, I need to build a wall around this house.

Good morning to you too, Donnie.

Donnie.

[Audience laughter]

Tone, you gotta stop with all this black on black

violence, man.

Donnie, if you gonna come into my house uninvited and steal my food, at least say hi.

I'm sorry, man. It's just this show that I've been binge watchin' is

insane. It's got me hooked like a white woman on yoga.

[Audience laughter]

What new show?

Oh it's called Declassified America.

Oh gosh, Donnie. Don't tell me you're into one of those

crazy conspiracy shows.

Some call it a conspiracy. I call it the truth.

Did you know that that government can tell your exact

location based off your IP address?

Donnie, do you even know what a IP address is?

Stick to the point, Tone. Alright.

The point is, they're watchin' us all right now, and just at the right time,

they gonna strike.

Strike and do what, exactly?

[Audience laughter]

I'm still a few seasons behind,

a so I haven't really figured that out, yet.

Have you figured out why your brain still keeps givin' you the silent treatment?

[Audience laughter]

Keep on jokin', Tone, but when the man shows up to your house with a

batterin' ram tryin' to do a cavity search,

don't come cryin' to me. You just can't stop it baby.

You know one day they'll come up with an official name for that undiagnosed condition a his.

[Doorbell rings]

You think?

[Laughing]

[Humming]

Greetings, goddess.

[Audience laughter]

Why you comin' up in here dressed like Woodstock threw up on you?

Hohm.

Aah.

Alright, I'm a let that ride.

- [Clears throat] - Okay.

Alright little sister. Now you know I

hardly ever ask you for anything, right?

What kinda trouble you in, Lori?

Oh don't tell me your boss asked you to come over after work again

so y'all have coffee?

[Laughter] No no no no. Trust me, that will never happen again.

That man takes a few sips of caffeine and he's as

chatty as a divorced Goober driver.

Okay. So, what? What's up?

Okay, my condo has a slight

insect infestation, and my exterminator said it's gonna take a week to fix it

so I was wondering if I could ask you just a widdle

simple little favor?

Hell, no.

Now who let this alligator out the swamp?

Speakin' of simple but never little,

Okay, Tony she hasn't even told me what she needs yet.

She doesn't have to. Isn't it obvious.

Erica Ba-don't needs a place to stay because a termites have

colonized her condo.

For your information, Lionel Fickey,

[Audience laughter]

my termite problem ain't that bad!

Yeah, it can't be worse than that outfit.

[Audience laughter]

Lisa, I'm gonna give you my exterminator's card,

because it's obvious to me, you got a big ole

possum in your house.

Okay yuck mouth, back it up.

- [Tony] Yes, please. - [Lori] Maybe skunk. - [Lisa] Oh, oh, oh okay.

- Maybe skunk. - Okay, alright.

- [Lori] I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin', - [Lisa] Okay, Lori.

- that's you not me, baby. - Lori, Lori, stop it.

Now, how is that a that new diet comin' along?

Oh honey, I feel

absolutely reinvigorated.

Good. Then you'll have enough energy to dig a hole under the house, you groundhog.

Okay, Ebony is actually on her senior trip so we

do we really do have a lot of space.

- [Lori squeals] Oh my sister, my sissy-- - [Omar] No!

- Ooh, slumber party. - Yes. Tony, can you get my sisters's bags upstairs?

- What? - Yeah.

I am on the verge of the biggest contract of my career and I'm treated

like a bellhop in my own house.

What's got him so upset?

[Knocking] Oh oh, honey.

[Sighs] I almost forgot to tell you,

there's someone I'd like you to meet.

Lori...

my little vitamin D-laced moon and sunshine.

- [Laughter] - Oah.

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

Guys, I'd like to introduce you to my sexy new

groovy man,

Herb.

Looks like he smokes a lot of herb.

Ah I'm a Lisa, I'm Lori's sister.

This is my husband, Tony.

Come on in. Come on in.

Smells like he was already in.

Smell that must BO from a mile away,

and is he wearin' open toe sandals?

- Stop it. - It's winter!

[Laughter]

Can I offer you some water? Some juice?

Some deodorant? [Clears throat]

Tony, don't make me hurt you in front of my righteous new man.

No baby it's it's quite alright.

You see Tony here is just ignorant...

I say the same thing.

...of the fact that we could be so much healthier

if we just used natural flowers to compliment

pungent odors that mother nature has graced our bodies with.

Ooh baby you so amazin'. It's just like you came

right outa my dreams!

Eh, I wish I could get you right outa my nostrils.

Ah so what is it that you do, Herb?

Girl, he sells all-natural soaps.

He needs to get high on his own supply.

Tony! Herb, where where do you live?

I live everywhere.

By everywhere he actually means he lives in this sexy bachelor van with a water

bed and shag carpet, girl.

You know it it's been a pleasure to meet you.

Dale, the funky Homo sapien,

but a like most normal people, I have to go to work.

It's unfortunate, Tony. Still bound by the chains

of mainstream society.

You know it's unfortunate that you sleep in a mystery van, Scooby Doo Doo.

Oh.

[Audience laughter]

[Phone vibrates]

Hello. What's up, Donnie?

What? No, I have never met an alien.

Uh. On second thought, maybe I have.

Uh listen. No, I

alright if it'll shut you up, I will listen to the show on the way to work.

The conspiracy theory what?

[Instrumental Music]

[Clears throat]

Good mornin' Mr. Stallworth.

- Hey. - I have called you a thousand times.

Is your phone on silent or somethin'?

Yep.

Well did you call the city councilman back?

Yep.

Did you send the numbers over for the proposal?

Yep.

Can I have a raise?

Hell, no.

[Audience laughter]

Closed mouths don't get fed.

You been here 2 days talkin' about a raise.

Anyway, what got you so distracted today?

I'm not distracted. I'm just watchin' this new show,

Declassified America.

Oh, that conspiracy show.

- Uh uh. - Now see, I didn't believe it at first either.

But think about it. Some of that stuff makes sense.

Ya eva wonder how Cherry can hear you when you call her name?

She's listenin' to that.

Makes sense that she's listening to everything else too.

You might be onto somethin', Mr. Stallworth.

One time I was talkin' to my homegirl about my Redbottoms that I

always wanted, and then 30 seconds later,

boom!

[Audience laughter] boom!

[Audience laughter]

I seen 'em on Facespace.

Now that's the stuff I'm talkin' about. They trackin' you.

- I see. I see now. - Mm hm. You see?

- [Melinda] Yeah. - [Tony] Mm hm.

And you know what else? I just thought about somethin'.

Hm?

They probably got you on they radar.

Mm hm.

Probably been spyin' on me through this little selfie camera all day.

- [Tony] Oh no. Oh hoa hoa hoa no. - [Melinda] We got you!

- Alright. Uh mm. - Not today, government. Tell 'em.

- Uh mm. Not Mr. Stallworth. - Mm hm.

Knock knock, not us.

Not Tony. You what I'm talkin' about?

- No, let's see here. Check this one out. - Mm hm.

There. Yeah, yeah. Spy on that.

But wait, doesn't the councilman you sendin' the proposal to, work

for the government?

He does.

Mmm.

[Drawer rattles shut] I told you. Wait wait. Where you goin'?

I gotta hurry up, finish watchin' this show before it's too late.

Okay, you go ahead and lock up without me.

- Alright I I'll see ya tomorrow. - I got his, okay. Hey, hey.

Watch! Remember, watch!

[Instrumental Music]

Mmm. It's all these natural odorless

ingredients, babe.

You never have to worry about bein' tainted by

chemicals or imbalanced by

toxic uh mm's.

Oah. Ooh you know I just love a man that knows how to

work with his hands.

- [Herb chuckling] - Ooh. Um, am I interrupting something?

Of course not.

Herb is just teachin' me about the keys to his business.

Oh, okay Miss Trap Queen.

Ah I don't know what kind of keys you makin' up in here,

but you and Heisenberg gonna have to find somewhere else to cook, okay.

You got it all wrong, Lisa. I was just showin' Lori the formula to my new

Herb Bars.

Here, have one.

It'll cleanse and revitalize the crevices of your body that you forgot

you even had.

Mm, I think I'm gonna pass, okay.

Me and my crevices are just chillin'. We're good.

Okay, thank you.

Lisa, get with the times.

I'm even tryin' this new dental hygiene system too.

The constant use of fluoride in toothpaste

has led to the deterioration of the body's bones.

- Mmm. - Don't you want healthy bones, Lisa?

Do you want a broken bone, Herb?

Oh Lisa, try this with me.

[Laughter] I told you, I am too grown for toys.

No. It's for your mouth, silly.

I don't care where you put it.

It's a miswak stick.

A miss what?

Lisa, it cleans and freshens your teeth with no harmful chemicals.

Don't you wanna have teeth to smile at your grandkids one day?

Then join us

by using the miswak stick.

Stick the stick in your mouth, Lisa. Stick the stick in your mouth.

I'm not puttin' that in my mouth.

Come on. Stick it

- ...in now. Stick it. - If you don't get away from me, I'm a...

...stick you with this jab.

[Instrumental Music]

That'll do, Tone.

- You're more than straight now. - Okay.

Are you sure this system will work?

100% sure, man.

You information is good and protected.

Great. Cause I can't afford to deal with any tricks that they have up their sleeve.

And I ain't goin' down for somethin' I ain't do. I ain't gonna me nobody's scapegoat.

Well, this aluminum foil is the perfect barrier to block out

all intercepted signals from the government.

This place is more secure than a white man's job.

[Audience laughter]

Uh, and on top of that,

I brought a little reinforcement.

What is that?

A signal detector.

Okay. It looks like my toaster with a antenna stickin' out.

I may or may not have used it for breakfast this mornin'.

Donnie give me back my damn toaster.

Hey hey, don't touch it, man.

This little baby monitors all the wireless signals

passin' through the air.

As long as it's quiet, the airwaves are clean.

[Beeping sound]

Why is it beepin' so fast?

Ah it must have detected a signal.

Are you sure you used all double-sided foil on all the windows?

Yeah. [Beeping intensifies]

Oh no! Eh this isn't supposed to happen.

A the show said this only happens like once every hundred years.

What's happenin'?

The government couldn't get through your strong signal blocker

so they called upon extra-terrestrial higher power to help them get through.

Chu mean aliens?

[Audience laughter]

- Oah, it's about to go down, Tone. - What?

Here, man. Put this stuff on.

It'll stop the aliens from patrolin' your brain.

[Audience laughter]

[Beeping continues]

Alright aliens, show yourselves.

[Audience laughter]

Are they here?

[Phone vibrates]

I thought I said all devices on airplane mode.

It is on airplane mode.

Who is it, the aliens? Did they text?

No, it's my calendar remindin' me to pay my electric bill last week.

Well obviously, that didn't work.

[Music stings]

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, Mr. Stallworth.

[Foil clatters]

What is up with all this foil?

Are we havin' a cookout or somethin' cause I like to eat.

No, these are my signal barriers to keep the government

from stealin' my information.

Don't you think you takin' this whole TV show

a little too far?

Why would you say that?

Who got to you?

Oh okay, back back up. Back up,

cause you have obviously gone off the deep end. I mean

honestly.

What is this?

Don't even worry about that. That is just in case

of a very rare impromptu alien attack.

- Mr. Stallworth. - Hmm.

Look at you.

Look at you in your face. Eh I can tell you have not been sleepin'.

How many hours of this TV show have you been watchin' for the last 2 days?

32 hours.

[Audience laughter]

Mr. Stallworth, I highly doubt that the government is watchin' you.

And if they are, so what?

Who cares?

You have nothin' to hide anyway.

[Audience laughter]

- Mr. Stallworth. - Hmm.

Did you sent that proposal over to the councilman?

Of course I did.

Well that's mighty funny because they just sent me a text

say they haven't received anything.

When did you send the email?

First of all I didn't send an email because that is the easiest way

for the government to track you.

Okay if you didn't send a email, what did you send?

- I used the safest communication known to man. What is that?

- Carrier pigeon. - You you used a damn carrier pigeon!

Now they gonna use another company.

Do you not know how much money I done missed out on this?

I mean, do you know how much money you have missed out on this?

I just can't believe that I bought them carrier pigeons from Mike Tyson.

Never trust a man with a face tat and a lisp.

[Foil clatters]

Looks like a carrier pigeon came on back.

Oh no, forgot to leave the window open. I'm sorry little Charlie.

[Instrumental Music]

Ah, you like that, don't ya?

Thank you for all these really great smellin' goodies.

Mm, of course. No problem, little sis.

Thanks for opening your home to me.

I won't be needing all those fancy smelling perfumes anymore.

I'm stayin' committed to the cause.

If you say so.

[Knocking]

[Door opens]

- Hello, Lisa. - Hey.

Hi, Lori.

Hi.

Lori, can I speak with you about somethin'?

Oh, that's a sentence you never wanna hear.

Um, sure. Come on in.

Is there a problem?

Would you like to inform me

as to why I found this

Uah!

on my shag carpet at home?

My Shantel Number Nine.

Ah I mean I'm a sorry I ah--

I'm sorry, Herb. Ah I I just

It's my boss's fault. He told me if I came

to work smellin' like a batch of funky chitlin's

one more time, I'd be fired.

You don't need to explain, Lori.

You're just not

hygienically mature enough to be my partner in the wind.

[Sobbing]

[Audience laughter]

Maybe one day our

souls will cross paths again.

Oh, Herb.

Are you breaking wind with me?

Is this goodbye?

Not a goodbye.

But a...

until we meet again.

[Audience laughter]

[Deep inhale and exhale]

Dang.

[Audience laughter]

Aw...I'm sorry he

broke up with you, Lori.

I mean come on. But to be honest, you didn't need his old musty tree-huggin' ass anyway.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

And I am pretty excited to be usin' my fancy

smellin' body lotions again.

Oh but, I thought those were mine.

Oh and for what it's worth, I did leave his sheets

totally soaked last night.

Okay, sis.

What? I poked a hole in his waterbed.

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, what's all this?

I made us dinner to celebrate havin' the house to ourselves

for the last night before Ebony comes back.

[Chuckles] Okay so the a

roach master must be goin' back to her infested condo, huh?

Her place is all clean now,

and if you want this dinner and dessert, you gonna curb those insults

on my sister.

She got dumped tonight.

Again!

That girl got more exes than a bowlin' alley score card.

[Laughter]

One more ex, she gonna strike out.

That's not nice, Tony.

But she's actually handlin' it really well.

I don't know. I think you two were just goin' through a phase, you know.

Her with nature boy.

You with the aluminum foil on windows,

havin' my house lookin' like a ghetto to go plate.

[Laughter]

You right, Lisa. I'm sorry.

Yeah that show just...had me goin' crazy.

And you know I shoulda just been focusin' on my family and my business.

Tony, where have you been, man?

I sent like 3 carrier pigeons lookin' for you.

[Audience laughter]

Damn, you got to start leavin' your windows open, man.

Donnie, what the hell do you want?

Oh, I came over here to say that we should move to Jamaica

and live off the grid.

I ain't movin' nowhere. I'm done with all those conspiracies.

If the government wants to spy on me, let 'em. I ain't got nothin' to hide.

What did you do to him?

Man, I just realized I was trippin' when I almost missed out on a huge deal.

Luckily, I got them to reconsider my proposal.

You choosin' money over your freedom?

[Sighs] Come on, brother. Who got to you, man?

Where's your dignity?

I could never sell out for any amount of money.

Donnie has no price tag.

I'll give you $20 just to shut the hell up.

Tssh, $20 to shut me up, man. If you make it 50, I'll leave.

Deal. Mmm, here you go. Here.

Go through your lady. I don't want to touch hands that have just disrespected me.

[Lisa chuckles] Wow.

Appreciate you, baby girl.

[Audience laughter]

You know, while I'm at it, I might as well just take my signal blocker.

Uh mm mm. Don't you take my toaster outa here, Donnie.

No, it's the signal blocker.

Ain't no signal blocker. That's my toaster.

- [Donnie] Look I'm just tryin' to free ya, brotha - [Tony] Boy that, really? Okay.

Alright. No, that's alright.

[Music stings]

[Instrumental Music]

[Donnie blows air] You 4 carrier pigeons were amazing

carrier pigeons and um

you were gone too soon. Um,

[Audience laughter]

You wanna say anything, Tone?

Not really.

[Audience laughter]

Fine.

Charlie, I'm sorry that I didn't leave the window open for you.

but I have to admit, you were the worst $24.99

I've ever spent.

Alright um, you wanna start diggin'?

Man, we ain't diggin' no holes in my backyard.

I'm callin' Mike Tyson and gettin' our money back.

[Instrumental Music]