Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

This is not a new car.

[Audience laughter]

[Crinkling]

What are you doing?

Shhh! I'm tryin' to figure out what's in the box.

Sounds cheap though. Probably for you.

Okay, shut up. You don't even live here anymore so technically you're a squatter.

Squatter? A I stand when I pee, thank you.

At least college taught you something. Cause you know, you won't be there long.

You know, I wouldn't mind. The food sucks

and I'm tired of makin' Ramen with yesterday's hot dog water.

I can't do that no mo.

Season's Greetings my little mini me's.

Hey Dad. Can't wait to see what you got us this year.

I know you got me somethin' nice, bein' that I'm your first

born and it's my first year of college.

Sure did. It's right over there under my a stockings.

Wait...What is this?

A are we havin' a barbecue cause

all I see is coal.

Yeah Dad. This isn't funny.

And neither were your grades this semester.

You guilty by association.

I cannot believe you got us coal!

I didn't get you nothin'. Santa Claus did.

Keep goin'. There's more in there.

Um, what is this?

Clearly college didn't teach you how to read any better.

- It's a list of chores. - Chores?

A I don't live here anymore. Why do Ihave chores?

Cause you still livin' in my wallet and that's a chore.

[Audience laughter]

Get to work! Cold world, no blanket.

Happy Holidays.

[Theme Music]

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ The bill collectors want their fees ♪

♪ The kids keep talkin' back to me ♪

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time. Family Time

♪ Ah Oah Family Time

♪ Oah oah oh oah yeah

[Instrumental Music]

Yeah well cryin' ain't gonna get you nowhere with me.

Grandma, I gotta go.

[Audience laughter]

Melinda what the hell do you have on? That is not appropriate work attire.

Well neither is that, Mr. Stallworth.

Yeah well I'm the boss. I can wear what I want.

True.

Mr. Stallworth, this is a costume because I am one of Santa's little helpers.

He he he he.

You know what the problem with that is Melinda?

Black people don't live in the North Pole.

It's too damn cold.

And we don't work for free anymore.

What's he payin' you in? Candy canes?

[High-pitched laughter]

You are so funny, Mr. Stallworth. And might I say

you look amazing today.

- How are you doing? - Terrible!

It's cold as hell outside. Caught a flat on the way over here.

Was wearin' the wrong colors in the

wrong neighborhood and got chased

by 3 snarlin' pit bulls, now what you want?

Nothin'!

And might I say heh, you look amazing today.

You already said that. That's why I said what do you want when I shoulda said what

the hell do you want, Melinda?

Okay. Different approach. Heh heh.

Good morning Mr. Stallworth,

I baked you this cake and I got you this card.

Woa! Um

You are hungry Mr. Stallworth.

Is everything alright at home?

Don't worry about my damn home life. Everything is fine. What you want?

[Audience laughter]

Well um the snow has been really great for the slopes this year

and I've been plannin' this ski trip ever since I saw the winter olympics

cause I wanna be like a black Lindsey Vonn on the slopes.

[Audience laughter]

Or maybe because I'm a little adventurous,

I could try bobsledding. You know I'm 29% Nigerian. I can get on the

female Nigerian bobsled team.

Can you bobsled your way to the point?

Well, I can't really afford to do it right now.

Well then why did you plan a trip that you can't afford?

- Well cause I was countin' on my, my bonus this year. [Chokes]

Teh heh, you better count back the last year when you didn't get one.

Ah heh huh, you a trip, Mr. Stallworth.

- Mm hm. - And speakin' of trips...

you sure you don't want to help a sista out?

I mean I could got up to the slopes and I can meet this

rich baller and he can sweep me off my feet

or skis.

Would you get to the point?

I'm just sayin' Mr. Stallworth, I could meet a really nice guy with some money.

And then I'll be out of your hair.

Oh, oh you were serious. Girl, please.

The only bonus you gettin' is the added bonus of working on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas.

[Sobbing]

Can you cry quieter please?

[Audience laughter]

Mm. And this cake is terrible. I hate coconut!

Give me some milk.

[Instrumental Music]

I can't believe I let you in my man cave, Lisa.

And you talked me into watchin' that Christmas marathon again.

It wasn't a wonderful life, okay.

The Christmas carol was way off key,

and at this point I wish I was home alone.

Now that Grinch, I could relate to him. Now he had it figured out.

Well I was hopin' it would get you into the holiday spirit, Tony.

You wouldn't even let me decorate around here.

You wanna decorate?

Call over your sisters, Donner and Blitzen.

What did I just walk in on?

The same thing you need to walk your black ass out on.

Whachu doin' in my house?

I just came to spread some holiday cheer.

[Tony grunts]

I bid you a Merry Kwanzaa,

a happy Christmas, and a, and a cheerful Hanukkah.

I wish I could bid on a new friend.

You know you can't fit your big-ass head in a yarmulke.

Don't you mean your best friend, Tone? Your day one?

I just wanted to see what you wanted me to bring to the Christmas party.

Oh I'm glad you asked, Donnie.

I'm actually thinking about making a fried Turducken.

[Audience laughter]

A fried who?

Turducken, Donnie.

It's when you take both of Lisa's sisters, shove 'em into a turkey,

and fry their edges until they're crispy.

[Audience laughter]

Sounds delicious.

Cut it out, Tony.

Donnie's just tryin' to spread a little holiday cheer.

- You should too. - Yeah [Shrugging]

I'm all for holiday cheer, just not in my house.

What are you talkin' about? Y'all host Christmas every year.

Yeah and that's the problem. Every year the family comes over and stresses Lisa out.

She stresses me out. I would love one holiday

without stress.

But my sisters are gonna help this year, Tony.

- Oh they gonna help this year? - Yeah.

Oh really? If they really wanna help,

then they should have Christmas in they own caves.

Cause it ain't happenin' here. Not this year, and that's final!

- Really? - Is that right?

As long as Lisa's okay with it.

[Audience laughter]

Well ah hah, I guess I'll be Turducken outa here.

Get it, Tur-duck?

[Audience laughter]

I'm a go.

[Instrumental Music]

Lisa why you got that light on? I'm tryin' to get some sleep.

Ooooh.

Toooony.

Girl, what do you have on? Why you dressed in all white?

I thought I married Lisa Stallworth, not LisaRaye.

[Audience laughter]

I wouldn't be caught dead in white.

This is metallic.

And I'm not Lisa. I'm the ghost of Christmas Past.

Mooo.

Okay well when you pass the light switch, can you turn it off?

We tryin' to save on electricity.

Tooony, this is not a joke, Tooony.

Oooooh.

Tony, will you stop talkin' in your sleep. I'm tryin' to get some rest.

[Audience laughter]

Oh I get it. I must be dreamin'.

Mm hm.

Ow!

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Alright I know this is just a dream, so I'll play along.

This ain't a dream, Tony.

Nobody's playin' with you.

You've been a real curmudgeon.

A what?

[Audience laughter]

Translation: a tight wad. A real jackass.

Well yeah, well tell that to the bill collectors.

Cause everybody wants some money from me. As soon as I make it,

somebody's there to take it.

In fact is that what this is all about? You want some money? What you want?

Ooooh, well real Lisa wants red bottoms.

But Ghost Lisa just wants to teach you a lesson.

Oooh suki suki now. That's what I'm talkin' about. Come on in here.

I always wanted two Lisa's in the bed.

[Audience laughter]

Word on the street is you can't even handle one.

[Audience laughter]

Well bring it on, Spooky.

Shut it up, I'm running things in this dream.

Oh wait a minute ago you said this wasn't a dream.

Silence!

Now you'll be visited by 3 ghosts.

Well 2 other than me. You get the point.

And the point is, you gonna learn today

[Audience laughter]

I don't need to learn nuthin' from no ghost.

And what's the big deal? I'm always jolly around the holidays.

Ooooh I beg to differ, Tony.

Let's go back to Christmas 2 years ago.

What are you waiting for? Get your ass up. We've got places to go.

[Instrumental Music]

Oh hey, that's me.

And Melina's on time for once.

- Now why are we floatin'? - Shhh.

We just got to the good part.

- Mr. Stallworth we need to talk. - A deh, deh, deh.

I don't care if they kids. They gotta learn.

I'm listenin'. Well not really but go ahead.

I was thinking that mm since I didn't get a promotion earlier this year,

- with it bein' the holidays and all - Ah ah ah, let me just...

stop you right there, Melinda. Now you know things are tight around the holidays.

And I was worried about Christmas myself.

Now, now Ebony needs music lessons.

A Devin wants a new car and

I'll probably have to get my stomach pumped if I eat one more meatloaf from Lisa.

I didn't mean nothin' by that.

Okay, I understand Mr. Stallworth.

A I guess this will just have to be the 3rd year in a row I can't get my

[Choking up] poor sick grandmother anything for Christmas.

Yeah...Look, she's old. I'm sure she's got enough memories to hold her over.

- Yeah, you're right Mr. Stallworth. - Of course I am.

Here's your mail.

[Whimpering]

Okay I wasn't bein' a scrooge, okay. I was just concerned

about my family.

Just keep watching.

Oh my damn.

- [Chuckling] - What is it Mr. Stallworth?

We closed on the Rovelto account.

Hey, and they added a little bonus. A little extra incentive. Look at that.

Uh that's great Mr. Stallworth. See I knew something would work out for us.

Us? I don't see your name on this check.

No. This is just enough to cover the kids' gifts

with a little somethin' left over for the Tony fund.

Should get some golf clubs.

Or or or or a motorcycle.

Melinda, you think I'd look good in one of them Segways?

[Sobbing] I don't think they have one big enough to fit your ego.

I'm really disappointed in you Tony.

I don't remember it happening exactly like that.

I think they photo shopped me into this scenario.

Lisa? Ghost Lisa?

Boo.

Where'd she go?

Uuh!

- Donnie who the hell are you supposed to be? - Well I ain't the holy ghost.

I'm the ghost of Christmas present.

A Christmas present will be you not bein' here.

Very funny. Now come with me.

[Instrumental Music]

This is the worst Christmas ever.

Yeah. I haven't been this sad since the mall Santa Claus got arrested for stealing

candy canes.

Okay, why are you two talkin' like this?

Because, Dad's been in the worst mood ever.

It's like really bringin' me down.

Mm yeah. He hasn't been himself.

Yeah he has been workin' really hard lately.

Maybe we should get him somethin' to cheer him up.

Oh wow, Lisa does really appreciate the things I do around here.

I have some money saved up from my allowance.

Yeah I mean I got some chump change. I could throw him a few dollars

I raised from the work study job I got.

That's good thinkin'. What you think we should get him?

I mean he has been talkin' about golf clubs a lot this year.

Oh yeah, but he's a terrible golfer.

What? What's she talkin' about. I'm damn near scratch.

[Audience laughter]

Or maybe a Segway.

Mmm his ego is a bit too big for a Segway.

But he's still a great dad.

Hm. That's my boy.

[Audience laughter]

Cheap as hell

[Audience laughter]

but he's a great dad.

That little ingrate.

[Audience laughter]

I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Mm. At least somebody's got my back.

Maybe a new smart phone.

[Audience laughter]

How about I'm cuttin' her phone off when we get back to the real world.

[Audience laughter]

Grouchy or not, your dad is hard not to love.

It's nice to see that they go all out for me. You know what, this

ooh this is gettin' me choked up.

Donnie you got any of that ghost tissue?

Dah Donnie? Ghost Donnie?

[Musical chimes]

What are you doing here? Weren't you just in the last scene?

[Singing] I am the ghost of Christmas future!

Aaaah Oaaah.

Nope?

[Audience laughter]

Another ghost? Damn, I'm startin' to think I'm dead.

Spoiler alert, that's the next scene. Let go.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

This is Christmas 2 years from now.

Are you ready to see what your future beholds?

Let me guess...Devin has finished college

and is now interning with a business associate?

Ebony is in school with a 4.0 GPA

and preparin' to be the next Michelle Obama.

And Lisa is still fine as ever and very loyal to your truly.

[Snickering] How'd you know?

One question um, will I still be able to see my hairline?

[Audience laughter]

What the hell?

Come on baby, here we go You got it, here we go.

Devin what is wrong with you, boy? Don't make me shake some sense into you?

He can't hear you!

It's just a glimpse of the future.

Can he still feel my foot in his ass?

Maybe, I don't know.

[Footsteps]

Oh 22 Unsavage, your voice is so amazing.

I love you so much.

Ebony what is wrong wit you? You know you can't have boys up in your room.

And you should be in school right now anyway.

[Clears throat] A she dropped out so

Oh no no. Not my baby girl. She must be just goin' through a phase.

I can't wait to elope and start a family.

- What? - As a matter of fact, I gotta tell you somethin'.

There's gonna be a 23rd Unsavage.

Oh hell no.

No no no no no no no!

No. Lih Lisa, Lisa, do you see how your kids are actin'?

And what are you doin pregnant? You know we can't afford another baby.

Devin what you doin'?

What? What'd I tell you about bettin' on the fours?

Six and eight are runnin' mates!

[Audience laughter]

Really Lisa?

Excuse me.

- Excuse me young lady. Is this any way to treat your man? - Yeah, get her baby.

- Hmm? - Gotta make him comfortable

[Audience laughter]

Like that, I thought I taught you better than that, girl.

- You're right, Mom. My bad. - Mmm.

Oh no no. Okay a a a I can't take it.

I can't take it. Lisa's pregnant.

Okay? Ebony's expectin' a baby,

and Devin's a little thug.

Now where am I in this whole equation?

Oh um, there was an accident.

What kinda accident?

You don't want to know the details,

It's too gory. Ha ha ha ha ha. [Sobbing]

Let's just say you ain't make it.

[Audience laughter]

Well how did Lisa get pregnant then?

Lisa Dutch McDonald,

mm mm mm, gotta tell ya Lisa,

Daddy's not happy.

Daddy's not happy at all.

How many times do I have to tell you, I don't like seein' the bottom of my glass.

Refill immediately.

Yes, Daddy.

What'd you see in that Tony guy anyway?

A winnin' lottery ticket.

[Audience laughter]

Okay, that's it. That's it!

Wake me up so I can whoop his black ass.

Sorry, no can do.

How's Lisa gonna get pregnant and have Donnie's baby?

Okay, now I see why all this happened.

You know it is what it is. I mean your Grinch-like ways

led you to pickin' up pennies on the street only to end up face to face

with a Mack truck.

Oh, and then your whole family fell apart.

Happy Holidays!

Noooooooooo!

Noooooo!

- Tony wake up baby, you're dreaming. - Oh, oah my

Lisa, Lisa is that you? Or are you Ghost Lisa?

Can you hear me?

I can smell you, okay?

Is Donnie here?

No. Why would Donnie be here?

Don't be coy with me woman. How many months are you, huh?

Couldn't wait till I got hit by that truck so you could get knocked up by Donnie.

Since you only stayed with me cause of a

- winnin' lottery ticket. - Okay Tony,

Okay, I don't know what the hell you're talkin' about but

you are this far away from offendin' me.

Okay baby I'm I'm sorry. It must've been a

woo it must've been a bad dream.

What was it about?

Trust me Lisa, you do not wanna know.

Where is that son of ours? Bettin' on fours. I taught him better than that.

Sixes and eights his runnin' mate. Huh.

[Instrumental Music]

[Footsteps]

There's my beautiful family.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas everybody.

- Sit on down. I got gifts for everybody. - Okay.

What's gotten into your dad?

Maybe he bumped his head tryin' to squeeze through the chimney.

Okay wait, who are you and what did you do with our real dad?

Heh heh heh, girl you silly. Here, that's for you.

- And that's for you. - Thank you.

- That's for you there. - Oh my God!

You got me the new smartphone! Now I can download the new 22 Unsavage album.

Say what? Oh no no no no. Give me that back.

I'll get you somethin' else.

[Audience laughter]

What is this?

Those are fuzzy dice to hang from the rearview mirror.

Rearview mirror of what?

Merry Christmas.

- Dad you got me a car? - Yes, sir.

Come on, Ebony. Let's go look at my car.

Yeah. My boy.

Oah.

Yo, wait wait wait wait wait, before you go, let your mom open her gift.

Oh, okay.

I got red bottoms.

- Oooh, I got me some red bottoms. - Only the best for the best.

Aww, thank you baby.

You like 'em? You like your box?

You'll get somethin'.

Hey, Merry Christmas Stallworth's.

Lisa, did you happen to make any coffee? Cause I hate to see the bottom of my cup.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Hey Mr. Stallworth, I filed all the photos just the way you wanted.

Good. Now I got one more thing for you to do.

What is it? I just got a manicure. I can't be scrubbin' no toilets.

[Audience laughter]

No, nothin' like that.

I want you to go ahead and take the rest of the day off.

In fact, take the rest of the year off and go on that little ski trip.

Just remember, it's only 7 days.

Oh my God! Mr. Stallworth, are you sure?

Please don't get my hopes up and turn me into that lady from Misery.

[Audience laughter]

No, I'm I'm absolutely sure.

Okay.

Huh, you ain't got to tell me twice.

Hmm.

Oh hey Melinda,

I'll go get the toilet scrubber.

No, no. [Laughter]

I wanted to give you that.

Uh.

Hoa!

A bonus, Mr. Stallworth?

Thank you so much!

You're welcome.

Oh huh.

Black Lindsey Vonn...

out!

- She's so-- - Oh, thank you again, Mr. Stallworth.

I'm a give you a gift when I come back.

Oh and um be careful. Some man just got hit by a Mack truck this morning.

[Instrumental Music]

- Where are we here? Is this-- - Okay we, we're right here, Tony.

- Wait just-- - Go ahead. Step down. Step down.

Alright. Don't you let me fall, girl.

[Audience laughter]

Okay, why am I blindfolded? How about that.

Because I have somethin' very important to show you, Tony.

Alright well there's just somethin' that don't feel right

about goin' down a flight of stairs

blindfolded. I feel like Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction.

You're so silly.

- Wha one more...One step. - That it?

- One more step. You got it. There it is. - One more?

This the last one?

Stop. You are so silly. Stand up.

- Hmm. - The kids and I just wanted to show you our appreciation.

That's all.

Oh Lisa it, it's not about me.

It's about what you do for others during the holidays.

- Mm hm. - You know just seein' you guys happy,

gave me the most joy I've ever had.

- Aww Tony...Oh, oh. - Speakin of seein', can I take this blindfold off now?

[Audience laughter]

Oah, wha, what's this?

The new set of golf clubs, Tony.

Lisa, you didn't have to do that.

- Okay, I'll take 'em back. Now I just-- - [Stammering]

No nope no uh uh. Now watch it. Now you

- can take them kids back, okay. - [Laughter]

But you are not touchin' my titanium driver.

Oh Lisa these are nice!

This musta cost Mea fortune.

No. Devin, Ebony, my sisters, your mom and dad, we all pitched in.

- Ah damn. - What?

That means I'm a have to throw a extra bucket of chum in your sisters' shark tank.

You know what? You gonna stop! talkin' about my sisters.

Lisa honestly, the this is, this is the nicest Christmas I've ever had.

- Aww. - In fact, we should use this.

What's that, Tony?

I'm not smokin' that.

It's mistletoe.

Oh. Well in that case, Merry Christmas.

Hm hm hmm. Huh huh.

Oh girl, I cannot wait

to use my new putter

and my new wood.

[Audience laughter]

It's a golf term. Wood.

Just, just a--

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]