Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Aww, look at my baby.

Just so handsome and smart.

Mmm, thank ya, baby.

Not you, Tony. [Laughing]

I'm talkin' about Devin.

Gosh, it seems like just yesterday he would sit on my lap,

crying, clinging to his teddy bear, suckin' on his little thumb,

complaining to me about school.

That was yesterday, Lisa.

Shut up, Tony.

You know what, maybe I should make him a "Welcome home cake".

Or a chocolate fudge pazookie.

Damn Lisa, he's supposed to gain the Freshman fifteen at school not here.

I know, I know. I'm just excited to see him.

- Yeah, I miss him too. - Yeah.

Thanksgiving, just wouldn't be the same without Devin

stickin' his dirty ole' fingers in the sweet potato mix.

Burpin' at the table.

Or tellin' us he's thankful for himself every year.

Oh, I'm sure he's past that phase, ok.

He is a young adult now, and probably taller than you.

So that don't mean nothin'. He still ain't grown.

I got a six foot belt in that closet if he tries to test me.

[Laughs]

Now, naw in all seriousness, I'm proud of him.

He's getting good grades, he's being responsible, making new friends.

Oh, speaking of friends.

He's bringing his new buddy Sam, with him for the holiday.

I'm cool with that. Long as he cleans his room.

Boy been gone two months. Smell like he never left.

[Audience Laughter]

Last time I walked by, almost passed out from DTM.

What!?

Devin's Toxic Musk.

Cut it out. You made that up.

[Ebony from outside] Who opened Devin's door?

Now the whole hallway smells like DTM!

It's a thing, Lisa.

The boy's room smells like pitbulls and taco meat.

Eww.

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me

♪ The bill collectors want their fees

♪ Kids keep talking back to me

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

Lisa.

Lisa!

Lisa!

What Tony?

What'd you want? Why do you keep callin' my name?

I'm trying to get dressed.

I thought you were already dressed.

I didn't like it, ok. I'm changing.

Now, what's wrong?

Nothin's wrong, nothin's wrong. I just been thinking.

Oh damn. Here we go again with the thinking.

I'm serious. It's about Devin.

The boy's been doin' good, thinikin'.

Maybe we should get him a little car, or something.

He doesn't need a car, Tony. He's a freshman.

Yeah, well his grades are pretty good. Mmm, for Devin.

When I was his age. I had a fly little ride.

You had a '73 Gremlin.

Yeah, but it had rims on it.

I don't think it's a good idea, Tony.

He is not the most responsible person.

He can barely keep track of his keys, half the time.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where you goin'? I'm trying to have a conversation.

Tony, I gotta get back up stairs, ok.

Need to figure out what to wear. My sister just got here. We gotta cook.

Ok, well you know what, it is unsanitary to have pets in the kitchen while you cookin.

And I don't wanna hear nothing about no service animals either.

Bye Tony.

Ok, wa, wa, wait.

One more question, last question. I promise.

Why you got that scarf on ya head?

Tony, I'm trying to not to get the smell of the food in my hair

while I cook, Ok.

I'm trying to kill two birds with one stone.

Yes! Finally we're on the same page.

You gonna kill both your sisters with one stone.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

No Tony, I'm talkin' about polishing my silverware and cookin' my greens.

Now, please leave me alone.

Ok, ok, ok. Do your thang. Do your thang.

Hmm. Hey, Lisa.

Lisa!

All this talk about food and collard greens got me hungry.

Can you throw me down a snack?

I got yo' snack.

You know what. I'm not even that hungry. Matter of fact.

[Instrumental Music]

Why you over there grinning like a damn Cheshire cat?

Well.

It's not your business. It's a surprise.

Ok, whatever.

Ok, fine. Since your prying it out of me.

[Singing] I got a boyfriend. A new boyfriend.

Ok.

Well, that explains why she's dressed like Little Uzi Hurt.

Really Lori, a new boyfriend.

Mmm.

Don't you think it's a little bit...

Thirsty!?

No.

Ah actually, I was gonna say soon.

I know Lisa, but I really think he's the one this time.

Oh you think he's the one. Just like you thought Tyrone was the one.

And then you thought Andre was the one.

Oh and let's not forget about One-Legged-Willy,

cause you thought he was gonna be with you every step of the way.

[Laughing] - He could not help his problems.

Listen I know you definitely had your ups and downs,

when it comes to relationships.

But if you truly feel you have found your match.

I say go for it.

Thank you, Lisa.

Mmm.

So how'd you two temporary lovebirds meet?

Well...

We met on this cute little dating website

called Black Love Matters.

And we've been dating ever since.

Always sends roses to my doorstep every Friday.

He takes me to dinner dates.

And he's even promised to take me on this surprise vacation to Le Chateau Le Blanc.

Le Chateau Le Blanc.

The, the white house?

Uh-uh, he tacky.

You know what. Mom should've never gave you french lessons.

I think it sounds exciting.

I really do..What's his name?

Well, he's name is Blaire.

He's an investment banker.

Who's also a part time real estate broker.

And he drives a matte black Tesla.

He's rich, witches.

He's rich!

Good for you.

Have you met his wife yet?

Shut up, Stankenstein.

Just because I found love and you haven't.

Doesn't mean you can rain on my parade.

He's a nice guy.

And when do we get to meet this nice guy?

Well about that.

If it's ok with you, Lisa. I kinda invited him to dinner this evening.

Oh, lord help us.

Of course that's ok.

-Yes. - Can't wait to meet him.

Yeah.

I can't wait for him to see you without your make-up on.

[Instrumental Music]

Come on, Kuz. Hit that baby, you wide open.

Yes! Yes!

[Doorbell Rings] - Yes.

Hey eh, Ebony can you answer the door?

[Audience Laughter]

Ebony! Earth to, Ebony.

[Audience Laughter]

Hey Mothra, Godzilla. Can one of y'all climb off the buildings

and open the door for me, please?

Can't you see, we busy Michael Jackass.

[Laughing] You get the door.

Hey, how you doin? You must be Tony.

And you better have the wrong house.

Cause if you here to see, Ebony. I'm whoopin' your ass.

Ebony? Naw man, I'm here to see Lori.

Lori?

Ah, honey. Blaire Boo.

Blaire Boo?

Eh, yes everyone I'd like you to meet

my new boyfriend Blaire Patel.

[Laughing]

You're, you're here for Lori?

Uh, how old are you brother?

I'm twenty-six.

Aw, you need me to get you some tea?

Why?

So I can de-hypnotize you out of the Sunken Place.

Why don't you just get out my business.

Jordan Banana Peele.

Blaire may be young, but

we have a lot in common, don't we.

- Hmm. - We like the same movies.

The same music.

You know I love my oldies girl.

[Laughing]

We that's obvious.

[Laughter]

And..he has a great job.

Stable and very successful.

Hmm.

What does he, ah coach little league games down at the YMCA.

[Audience Laughter]

Actually I'm a real estate broker.

I've found houses for celebrities like Mariah Carey and Demi Moore.

Who both happen to be very successful women.

And are both very notorious cougars.

Mm mmm.

Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, Blaire.

You know make yourself at home.

Enjoy yourself and the food will be ready soon.

Oh, it's ok. I'm sure Lori already burped him.

[Laughs]

I'm back.

Oh! What's up, son?

[Laughs] Glad you're home, baby.

Let me get that bag for ya.

Oh, damn that's heavy.

- really? - My baby's back.

Give me love. Where's Sam?

- Oh, just parkin' the rent-a-car. - Ok.

Let me get in here.

Oooh, move. Welcome back.

Sup, Musty.

Sup, Crusty.

Still haven't gained any swag, I see.

Still, Uncle Donnie's daughter, I see.

[Doorbell Ringing]

Hello.

Hi ah, you one of Ebony's friends?

Oh no Dad, that's Sam.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Wow Mrs. Stallworth, this food is absolutely amazing.

Thanks, Sam.

So, how did you and Devin meet?

Well, we recently started taking a programming class together

and that's when the sparks started to fly.

- Hmm. - Oh, how sweet.

The sparks of romance.

No, sparks literally started flying,

when Devin spilled coffee on his computer the first day.

[Laughs] Oh ok, so you guys are just friends?

Yeah.

I mean but it comes with it's benefits.

[Choking]

Excuse me?

No, no, no. I phrased that wrong.

Me and Sam, throw benefit concerts every Saturday at school.

You know to raise money for a bunch of different charities.

Oh, that's great.

And on top of all of that.

Davin and I, also created an app called "Pitch Please".

That modulates the tone of your voice.

Yep, you can go from James Earl Jones,

to Michel'le in a matter of seconds.

- Hmm. - How?

- Y'all wanna see? [All] - Yeah.

[High-pitched] My name is Devin Stallworth.

[Laughter]

Well, you actually sound like that a few years ago.

Shut up.

[Laughter] That's absolutely brilliant, baby.

I knew you were a genius.

Can I try?

Oh no, Rachel. It ain't gonna pick the sounds of a werewolf.

[Imitates Howling] Oooh ooooh owwww.

I think that's a great design, guys.

I actually got a couple of app ideas

for my real estate business I'm trying to develop.

- We should chop it up. - Bet.

I don't see why not. You guys can talk about it while you're

sitting around the daycare center.

I think it's a great idea.

You and Blaire should collaborate, bae.

I think it's amazing that you support your son's endeavors.

My parents aren't really that supportive of me.

Who she talkin' to?

She did not just say her son. That is hysterical.

Oh, your nephew.

Oow.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

You know what. Don't make me little girl.

Um, Tony. Hey, hey what about a Thanksgiving toast?

- Hmm. - Oh. Yes, yes.

A toast for sure.

Cause by the look of those rolls. You've obviously had plenty of bread.

Yeah, but the looks of that weave. I'm bettin' on Seabiscuit in the fourth.

Ok. Cut it out.

Really you two.

It's Thanksgiving, let's just act like we like each other.

At least for the day, ok.

- Tony toast. - Ok. Ok.

To a wonderful Thanksgiving with my lovely wife,

my beautiful baby girl,

my collegiate son and his friend,

my prize race horse, Rachel,

and uh, Madea and her grandson.

Do you wanna chop up his food for him?

[Laughter]

-Tony. - Cheers.

[Instrumental Music]

You know I really like that Sam girl.

Yeah, yeah she's pretty cool, you know.

And I think her and Devin got a little something, something goin' on.

Oh, yea. Devin gets really nervous around her.

Naw, he just need to learn how to spit game like his Daddy.

Cause I was never nervous when we first started datin'.

Please, Tony.

You could barely make eye contact with me on our first date.

And I did all the talking.

Ok, well you gotta admit it was kinda a double date situation goin' on.

No, Tony. It was a triple date.

Me, you and your mother.

And with all the questions she asked me,

I didn't know if I was on a date or on trial.

Ok, you exaggerating a little bit.

You know, wait. Ok, you may have a point.

Hey mom, hey dad.

Ah, can we talk to y'all.

- Sure. - Everything ok?

Yeah, it's probably be best if y'all sit down for this one.

- Uh-oh. - Oh, goodness.

Ok, what is the bad news.

Please don't tell me you're pregnant.

I'm not ready to be nobody's fly and fit grandma.

- No, mom. - Ok.

We don't got no bad news.

Actually we got great news.

- Mhmm. - Alright, well wha, what is it?

Um so...

me and Sam....

we kinda....

we....

we droppin' outta school and gettin' married.

[Both] What!?

Hey, Ma.

Hell naw.

[Instrumental Music]

You alright, come on.

[Audience Laughter]

Now, droppin' out and marriage. Pst, please.

Over my dead body. Do I look anywhere near dead to you?

I mean you ain't really been eatin' right,

and that can lead to cardiac arrest.

You want round two, boy.

Keep it up. Lisa, talk to him. Talk to him.

Devin, Devin, you better explain yourself

before you no longer have the vocal cords to do so.

Ok. Ok.

Me and Sam thought it would be best if we left school

to explore our paths as app inventors.

We could be the next Steve and Stevie Jobs.

Who told you that lie?

I mean a couple of kids at our school told us we had a billion dollar idea.

And Mom always tellin' me I'm a genius.

So, I thought why not.

Yeah, yea, yeah, Devin is right.

The app is definitely that good and it may be even better than facespace.

Pitch Please? Pitch please!

What does marriage have to do with any of this?

Seriously, I though you two were just friends.

We are.

However, it is statistically proven

that marriage would be perfect for our brand.

It is a great business move.

Beyonce and Jay Z did it.

Beyonce and Jay Z are two of the most successful moguls of all time.

You are Devin and Sam. Two delusional college students who are wastin' my time.

[Audience laughter]

But Dad, we're not wastin' your time.

You're just not willin' to listen.

This app could really change things.

I could get rich.

Buy a lambo, a jet-pack.

And I could move y'all out the hood.

We don't even live in the hood.

This doesn't make any sense Devin.

Seriously, where are you gonna sell the app.

Don't you need a patent?

Mom.

I have Sam.

Why do I need, Paula Patton.

[Laughter]

Unbelievable. This is unbelievable. I can't believe I'm hearin' this.

My spoiled ass son wants to turn down a once in lifetime opportunity,

to be educated at one of the most prestigious institutions in the country.

Just to pursue some stupid app, that has zero longevity.

- But, Dad... -No but Dad, nothin'.

I thought that comin' home for Thanksgiving would help

you realize you have parents that would give you everything.

But, guess I was wrong.

Huh?

I, I'm gonna go check on my husband.

I, I, I mean fiancee.

Mmm, mm, my, my friend, my friend. Bye.

[Instrumental Music]

You know I just can't believe he would do something like this.

Just so....

Just so...

[Sighs] [All] Devin.

Listen girl, he gonna come to his senses eventually.

I mean remember that time, I wanted to drop out of school,

just so I could become a stripper?

So stupid.

Rachel, you did drop out of school and become a stripper.

Well, at least I was a successful one.

I mean they was throwin' two dollar bills over here.

At this red velvet butt cake.

Ah..[Laughing] Don't hate.

Ok, ok, can we stay on topic, please.

Don't nobody wanna hear stories of a gargoyle slidin' down a pole.

Maybe Devin's entrepreneurial skills are more advanced than we give him credit for.

Yeah, but an average app.

I mean, how dumb can this boy be?

Pretty dumb, Dad.

I mean remember that one time he needed a tutor just to learn how to scribble.

[Laughing] -That's true.

The face that he wants to get married. That is just beyond my comprehension.

Well, I would definitely have to agree with you on that one, Lisa.

Even though Devin seems like he has a decent head on his shoulders.

You mean, a pretty big dumb head.

I think kids are bound to regret the decisions they make in life.

But they should also learn from those mistakes.

[Fake Sneeze] Dump Lori!

[Fake Sneeze] Dump Lori! Cold in here.

Look, everyone thinks monogamy is the way to live.

I mean I dodged that bullet a long time ago.

I mean come on man, who wants to be condemned to a shackled relationship

when you can have all this abundance of booty...

I, I mean beauty.

Awaiting for you at all times.

Wait, hold up. Who, what?

Who you think you talkin' to?

You're seeing other women?

Hmm, can't say I didn't see that one comin'.

You remember, I told you I don't like to be tied down?

Coulda had me fooled.

So, you been playin' my sister?

Ya, playa. You been playin' me?

Ah, come on, Lori. Baby, you know I ain't no playa.

I mean look, I'm not saying we can't have something someday.

But, I mean I'm still in my twenties.

Come on Tony. You know what I'm talkin' about brother.

[Laughs]

No, I do not know what you speak of brother.

I'm a very happily married man, of twenty years.

You led me on.

You led me on. You made me think we had something real.

It is real.

But it's also like my daddy used to say,

it's a poor rat, that only has one hole to crawl into.

[Laughing] You a fool. That was a good one.

I, I, I mean it's a good one if, what I mean by...

brother you gotta roll.

That's right, man. You gotta, roll.

-Mm hmm. - Come on!

Get your triflin', little young rat ass up outta here.

Before I give you another piercing that you didn't come up in here with.

Y'all got any older sisters?

Get out!

To the left, baby boy.

Mmm. Back to friggin' cougar dot com.

Don't worry.

We can just go to the playground and get you another one.

[Instrumental Music]

Oow, I love this movie.

Oh yeah, School Daze is good.

But it's gonna make me start thinking about Devin.

Pst..

How bout this, see what else...

Oow, this one starring Dustin Hoffman.

The Graduate. Tony, come on that's worse.

[Doorbell Rings] Aw, you right.

Scroll through, man. Maybe you can find Soul Plane or something.

[Audience Laughter]

Ah, look it's the Dropout starring Devin.

Can I come in?

Come on.

What's you come here to tell us.

That, you and Sam are adopting a couple of African babies cause it's good for your brand.

Actually, I come to apologize.

Apologize over here.

Really now?

Yes, really.

I'm not gonna drop out of college.

Dad, I realize there was opportunity presented in front of me,

and I took advantage of it.

I was selfish and I'm sorry.

Well, well, I'm glad you come over to tell that, son.

I am too, honey.

And you know if you want to explore being an app inventor

with Sam as a hobby, I'm totally fine with that.

Oh, no. I'm done with that.

And I'm done with that little bird too.

As soon as we found out there was an app called,

Pitch Better Have My Melody.

You know, we decided that the marriage thing wasn't gonna work.

But you know I didn't care anyways because I got my eye on Rihanna.

Mmm.

To get a girl like that you gonna have to work, work, work, work, work.

Well, I'll do that, that, that, that.

[Laughing] I know that's right.

Cause she got...

Change the channel.

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, baby. Why you lookin' like that?

You still worried about, Devin?

Uh, no. I've accepted the fact that my son is irresponsible.

Devin, loses his keys, drops his phone in toilets.

But you know, I realized he will, get over that stage soon.

Oh, then why the long face?

I just want my sister to be happy.

Lori, seems to make such bad decisions when it come to men.

I know a guy that works down at the Zoo,

he can hook her up with one of them giraffes, maybe.

She likes tall men.

Tony!

I'm serious.

Don't you have any friends you can hook her up with?

No, look. All my friends are horrible when comes to dating women.

Matter of fact, yeah I can hook her up.

Ok, how bout Donnie?

Donnie?

Yeah.

Look, their names will go together perfectly.

Like, Brad and Angelina. Brangelina.

Donnie and Lori. Dori.

Or Lonnie.

Or Delori.

Or Divorced.

For the record, I am just kidding about hookin' her up with Donnie.

Matter of fact, leave me out of it. I do not wanna play Cupid.

Uhh yeah, you're right.

It's best to stay outta grown folks business.

Night.

Night?

Yeah, I'm going to sleep.

Not before, I get into your grown folks business.