Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

- That could work, but you may have... - Hey Tone!

No, no, no, no Donnie, nowI told you if you dine and ditch from that breakfast hut,

don't come hide here.

No, man!

[Audience laughter]

Ha, I threw my jacket on this old lady so they tackled her thinkin' it was me.

[Audience laughter]

We are busy, Donnie. What do you need?

Donnie look, we are swamped in paperwork, okay?

And, I got no paper for you.

Man, that's a lot of paperwork here. I can see that you have a lot of business.

Yeah.

Get out the past. Hey, what's...hey, man.

Have you lost your mind?

Look man okay, I realize that I am wild as

hell for throwin' them papers down, and I promise you

Melinda will pick 'em up. But you and I need to talk about cryptocurrency.

You robbin' the dead now? That's a new low even for you.

Actually no, Mr. Stallworth. He talkin' about cryptocurrency.

It's a decentralized digital currency.

A what?

All I know is a whole bunch of dudes are becomin' millionaires overnight.

[Audience laughter]

He's right Mr. Stallworth.

Excuse me?

Pssht

Pssht Pssht Pssht

Apsshhhpp!

[Audience laughter]

I would not suggest you take

financial advice or any advice from Donnie but he's right.

You haven't heard of cryptocurrency?

I've heard enough to know that I'm currently not investing in it.

Okay, let me explain so you can better you know...

- See he don't know. He trippin'. - He just don't know.

Huh, okay so there is a system that ca...

a there's a block chain...

[Audience laughter] And, oh,

Um in America as a whole collective,

[Audience laughter]

Okay see Donnie is the one who told me about it so he may be better at explaining

- I'ma - Nah...

- You was doin...We we uh um - I'm a go. I'm a go.

Yeah so it's this super hard program. It's un-hackable.

A remember when your credit card got hacked?

- Yeah, that was you. - And with Litcoin,

it protects you from even your own best friend.

Look I don't know what you lit on the way over here, but count me out.

It's probably just some fad and the bubble's gonna burst soon.

Man, Litcoin is poppin'.

Look Mr....boy, move!

[Audience laughter]

Look Mr. Stallworth, you can get Litcoin right now for

20 bucks.

Yeah man, see a month ago it was worth pennies. Yesterday, 5 dollars.

We need in.

We? There, there's no we.

What are you talkin' about? We're the dynamic duo like Batman and Robin,

Kenan and Kel, OJ and his bronco.

Man you always do this.

You come up with some dumbass idea.

You swindle me out of money and I wind up owing more than it cost to begin with.

- Uh mm - What are you talkin' about?

You mean I bring in an investment...

you bring the capital. If it ain't broke Tone, don't fix it.

Mr. Stallworth, now I am usually anti-Donnie,

but this is growin' rapidly.

It may not be a bad investment.

[Audience laughter]

You know what, I'm not doin' nothin' that Hoodwink and Hoodrat can't explain.

Count me out.

- I'm a Hoodwink! - I'm a Hoodwink.

- I am Hoodwink. - I''m Hoodwink. You Hoodrat.

- Hold on a minute. - See.

[Theme Music]

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ The bill collectors want their fees ♪

♪ The kids keep talkin' back to me ♪

♪ Family Time

♪ Oh oah Family Time

♪ Family Time. Family Time

♪ Oah ho ho hoa yeah

[Instrumental Music]

Cryptocurrency?

Oooh, you lookin' over life insurance policies, Tony?

How much am I gettin'?

Okay calm down, black widow.

What you doin' lookin' over my shoulder anyway?

What you got to hide, huh?

Nothin'. I'm just laughin' at how dumb some people are.

I mean they really think they're gonna become millionaires overnight.

Oah, you talkin' about digital currency?

Yeah, you heard about it?

Yeah, let me guess. Donnie's tryin' to convince you

you can make millions off of it, huh?

Do you even know how cryptocurrency works, Tony?

- Yes okay, now it's a system. - A system.

That runs off other systems.

[Audience laughter]

And that means?

I don't know yet. Let me finish readin' the article.

Mm umm, still sounds like another Donnie scheme.

Remember the self hair-braider...

- that almost broke somebody's neck? - No.

Robo-Braider would've worked if that girl wasn't so tender-headed.

Mm hm, what about the time we went on vacation

and Donnie turned this whole house into an amusement park?

Now "Donnie's World" was actually a good idea. He had a line around the block.

Turkey legs was overpriced though.

[Doorbell rings]

I'm sill tryin' to get up the stains from the whole Tunnel of Love.

Ugh.

[Door opens]

Hey Viv,

[Sighs]

- Oah. - Talk about entitlement.

What's going on?

Oh I'm thinking about quitting the real estate business.

I've had my license for 6 months now and I haven't even been able to sell a

- doghouse. - Ooh.

What are you gonna do instead?

I don't know.

With my checkered background it's hard to find a job.

Don't you mean stripes.

[Audience laughter]

Oh funny, laugh at my expense.

For the record, we didn't wear stripes. We wore orange.

Ignore him, Vivian. He hasn't had his medication today.

Oh you mean food?

[Laughter]

Anyway, you can't quit after 6 months.

You just can't. All businesses start with passion,

marketing and fierce determination. Never take no for an answer.

Oah, you think so?

Absolutely!

It's all about the sales mantra. The ABC's.

Always be closin'!

- Ooh. -Okay now.

You sound like a preacher. I'm about to start passin' around the collection plate.

Hey, tabernacle.

Mm hmm. You know what, Lisa?

I got an idea.

Why don't you help me?

Lisa? A hello, I run my own business.

Ah ah ahhh...ah ah ah,

contrary to popular belief, I runs the business.

- All of the business, you know what I'm sayin? - Pfft!

[Audience laughter]

Well she does know how to get you and the kids to do what she wants.

Nobody tells me what to do.

Tony, the gutters need cleaning.

Now? [Sighs]

[Audience laughter]

Yes, dear.

Thank you. Mm hmm.

Like I said, I runs all this, okay? - Mm...Oh, yeah!

It's my house.

Now, I'm gonna help you but I need you to know

I'm a put you through the ringer.

Oah, I'll try to handle anything you throw at me.

You know what? I have an idea.

Why don't we list this house for sale and stage an open house.

Yeah, that sounds great, Lisa!

What sounds great?

Finishin' them gutters.

[Audience laughter]

Anyway,

so Viv if I help you I'm gonna need some of that commish for coachin'.

[Audience laughter]

Hoa, Lisa...

[Audience laughter]

Uggh, damn you're good.

Aaahhh! [Thud]

Oh but it sounds like your husband's not.

See you tomorrow.

It's gonna be good.

[Audience laughter]

See Tony, I'm gonna make Vivian the real estate queen of LA and then we're gonna

make a fortune off of some real investments.

I'm gonna invest in an ice pack.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Huh, Oah. [Laughter]

Oah, kah. Yeaaah!

[Audience laughter]

Huh Oah!

Okay okay Melinda, enough with the beepin' and gigglin', please.

I'm sorry Mr. Stallworth but I just invested in Litcoin and it

is moving on up!

I can't believe I'm makin' money so fast.

And to think, I thought to make it in America you gotta have a real job.

I guess gold diggin' is officially off the table now, huh?

[Audience laughter]

Well I'm happy for ya, but we have a long day, alright.

Now we gotta focus on all these accounts cause we

Huh, Aaaah!

[Audience laughter]

Eh eh.

[Clapping]

Alright, alright!

Look this is a work place, not dance dance ratcholution.

Mama's about to get paid, okay!

Shoes. I'm buyin' the whole shoe store, okay. Eh huh huh.

[Audience laughter]

Man, I am private island dreamin' when I step on

the scene the hoochies be screamin'.

Aah!

[Audience laughter]

Tone I'm tellin' you man, you better get in

or you'll be workin' here till you 80.

Be all hunched back lookin' like an even older ass Forest Whitaker.

Alright okay, okay. I can't take it anymore.

Does that mean what I think it means, Tone?

It means, I want my own island too.

One with my own Tony-hanas. One that Lisa and the kids can't find.

I'm in.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo, oah.

Ooh. Ooh.

[Audience laughter]

Hey hey hey,

damn.

Ugh, is this what I gotta do to make you be still, man?

- I'm sorry Rodney. - Come on, Tone.

Look a I'm just, I'm just tryin' to track this investment that I made, man.

- It's eh it keeps goin' up and down, you know. - Wha what's...

It's called cryptocurrency.

Wait wait crypto, the crips got their own currency?

Who on the twenty? Tookie Williams?

No no, not crip like that. Cryptocurrency.

See it's it's it's it's like it's got, it's, it's okay

it's an investment where you have like gluten free a

- Uh uh - It's unsaturated eh

- Right mm. - It's digital money.

Donnie, he he he can explain it better. Tell him.

Ah tah ah ub, what he said.

How y'all gonna invest in somethin' y'all don't understand?

You don't need to understand it. All you need to understand is makin' money, money, money.

Cha ching.

that much money?

[Laughter] Boy that remind me of back in the day.

Had a chance to invest in this hell of an invention, man.

It's called a Robo-Braider.

Let me tell you somethin'. This thing was incredible.

Eh it would do the braids like automatically.

It was doin' good man till

it backfired. Braided that little girls' scalp up.

Looked like a pretzel by the end.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Lisa,

Oah,

Hey Viv, I had to run a few errands but I'll be back shortly. If anyone

shows up, get started without me. Lisa.

Alright Viv,

you can do this.

Huh. You can do this. You're a closer!

[Audience laughter]

[Doorbell rings]

Aye, what up doe?

This brib brackin boo.

Lisa, is that you?

Naw, I don't know nothin' about no Lisa. I'm el loco.

I do know this hiddouse off the hizook, though.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

I speak a little soowoo!

Aw, you a down ass snow bunny.

You a down ass snow bunny listen, don't let the, the smooth thuggery

- fool you, okay? I got paper and plenty of it. - Ooh. Oh good.

Plenty of it, ya know what I'm sayin' so, so tell me

why should I empty my pockets for this crib, though?

Um well for starters, oh it has a nice

- view. - Mm.

A there are 4 bedrooms, 2 baths,

and a jacuzzi.

It's a jabuzzi in the back?

It's a jabuzzi in the back. Aye!

That's was up, man.

- Yeah the jacuzzi or as you say the jabuzzi,... - Ah ah.

it can comfortably seat 6 of your homies.

Whatchu say about my homies, girl?

It wasn't you know.

- I'm just playin' wit chu. I'm just playin' wit chu. - Wow you're playing.

[Laughter] Becky, you thought I was serious.

Ah so what about this carpet though?

- Ah is it stain resistant? Bet it'd be hard gettin' - Ah,

that a that red DNA up out the barpet.

Yeah I don't know but if it's not stain resistant,

- I'm sure the homeowners won't have a problem replacing it. - Oh, right.

- Yeah. Yeah, okay. - I like that. I like how you specifically

tailor made this place to fit my needs. You know I like that.

So a what I'm a do,

I'm a call my mama

- She gonna co-sign. Okay? - Okay.

- I'm a b-walk up on outa here. - Alright.

- Hey. - Whew!

- Hey. - Yo mama!

We done made it mama!

Okay.

Soowoo!

[Audience laughter]

Hey.

[Doorbell rings]

Eh bap bap bap bap waa gwaan real estate

lady.

Lisa, that is a great accent.

Me no know no Lisa.

Me name is boss lady and me from Kingston, man.

How much for the property?

Ah well before we talk about the price, do you have any questions about the property?

Aye mon, where the best Jamaican restaurant round here?

I could go for some jerk curry goat.

Oh there, there's a great one on Washington and Main and I could go for

some oxtail stew and akee and saltfish myself.

Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh, ah.

[Audience cheering and clapping]

Heh, sorry to barge in. I saw the open...

house sign outside.

Yeah, yeah , sure. Do you have any questions

about the property?

Actually, no. My wife and I have been eyeing this house for

months. It's in the perfect location.

Has a great school district and with this

- with this community's recent transition,... - Mm hm,

we're ready to make an offer.

- Woo. - Oh woa woa, no. This, this isn't actually for sale.

Oah.

aww, man.

How does 1.5 million sound?

Ya mon!

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh Mr. Stallworth look,

the price of Litcoin is up by 300%.

If it keeps goin' up like this,

I'm a buy VIP tickets to see Beyoncé.

Hoa.

[Audience laughter]

Oah.

Whachu gonna get?

I don't know. I might buy a bigger house.

Maybe a new truck. Hmm. Might even do somethin' nice for Lisa's sisters.

- Like what? - I don't know. Treat 'em to a day at the groomers.

Don't you mean the salon?

I said what I said.

[Audience laughter]

Yo, have y'all seen the price of Litcoin?

Oh ho hoa, my portfolio is through the roof.

I'm surprised you know how to spell portfolio.

[Laughter]

Listen Tone, you need to start congratulatin' me. Okay, brother?

Have you seen the price of Litcoin?

Mmm aaayy have to admit, you were right.

I'm always right.

[Audience laughter]

Bah booyaka!

Wagwan.

- Yo Vivian, perfect timin' okay. - Yeah uh huh.

So I hear you're in real estate. I'm in the market for an item.

I want to call it "DonnieLand." I'm gonna have everybody walkin' around. They gonna be

Uh uh tah ho ho huh, before you go too fast,

a Litcoin just dropped by 50%.

Look like you gonna be buyin' Gilligan's Island.

[Audience laughter]

All these fluctuations got my damn blood pressure higher than my Litcoin investment.

Look, Lisa baby, why you dressed like a Lisa Badu?

I'll explain it to you later but we have some really good news.

Okay, Vivian just sold her first house today.

- Oah, congratulations sister-in-law. - Yes.

What part of town?

- Windsor Hills. - Oh nice, nice. Our neighborhood. Who's sellin'?

Um, well you are.

A I might have accidentally sold your house.

[Audience laughter]

Lisa, what's this white woman talkin' about?

Okay listen, I thought it would be a good idea

if Vivian practiced selling with our house

and then someone actually came in with an offer for 1.5 million!

Wha wha one point what?

Damn. Girl, first y'all win the lotto, now this?

- Y'all are the luckiest sons of - Wha wait wait, 1.5...?

- million? - Mm hm.

Nothing in our neighborhood cost that much.

Yeah I didn't think so either but an offer's an offer.

Oah, Litcoin's back up. 60%!

Yes. Yes. Yes! DonnieLand is back in full effect, baby.

I can't take any more of this. I'm gettin' out while I'm ahead.

Lisa, Vivian, let's go talk about this house business.

Melinda, sell all my shares.

Yes boss!

[Giggling]

You know what? Maybe Mr. Stallworth is right.

Maybe we should just sell.

Naw naw naw naw naw. Nah I'm about to go all in, okay.

Now is the time that we refabricate.

Uh m no!

- Recipra... - Try again.

- Regentrif...Just - That ain't it!

- Just buy more, girl.

- You see me excited. - Ah reeeaah!

[Instrumental Music]

So Lisa what do you think?

Should we sell?

Maybe we should get the kids' input first.

The who? Please, only input they get is whether their clothes going to the Goodwill

or the trash.

I don't know about selling, Tony. Where would we live?

Who the hell cares? We'd be millionaires.

We can live wherever we want.

Let let, let's move in next door to Magic Johnson. Where he live?

Please, 1.5 million in LA won't get us near Magic Johnson.

Well, maybe it'll get us next to one of the Magic Johnson theaters.

Mm maybe it'll get us next door to Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock?

No, my cousin Dwayne Johnson, the garbage man.

You know, he doesn't live in Beverly Hills but he lives

Beverly Hills adjacent.

You know I could see myself livin' there.

I could be a real housewife of Beverly Hills....

adjacent.

And I'll be adjacent to a pair of handcuffs when I get pulled over backin' out of

my own driveway.

[Audience laughter]

I don't know. Maybe we could try Marina del Rey?

Mm, okay. Get a little high rise by the water.

Women runnin' around in all them little bikinis 'n thangs.

It'd be but no, definitely not.

Definitely not. You know a I don't even like the ocean smell anyway.

Mm hm. Why do we have to move anywhere, Tony? Why can't we just

stay here?

And live amongst a bunch of thousandaires? C'mon Lisa, we better than that.

Yeah but if we move we're gonna have to pay capitol gains tax.

The man always finds a way to get in our pockets.

Hm. Yeah, maybe we should just sleep on it and come up with something in the morning.

Sleep. Who can sleep?

You know what? Why don't you throw on that Rastafarian wig and you can show

Tony how Lisa got her groove back.

[Instrumental Music]

I don't know, Vivian. Lisa and I have had a chance to think about it and we don't

think selling is the right thing to do.

He's right, Viv.

Lisa, what are you talking about? You're not breaking the code.

Remember the ABC's: Always Be closing?

Yeah, but I didn't mean My house.

Look Viv, I'm sure there's other innocent victims that you can use your

predatory practice to get commission on.

Ugh, alright well ca can we at least just have a conversation with the buyer?

Maybe we can get him to increase his offer.

More than 1.5?

You never know.

[Door knocking] Oh, he's here now.

Hm.

Hello!

[French accent] My name is Lawrence Leimert Parker.

My muzer was French.

- [Audience laughter] - [ Lisa] Oh.

I'm Tony Stallworth.

It's a pleasure.

Welcome back, Lawrence.

Hello, Lawrence.

Um, got a bit of bad news.

I'm sorry,

Have we met?

Ya Mon! Boop--

- Ya Mon? - Boop boop, yep.

Long story.

- So look um, we've had a change of heart. - Mm hm.

Well what she means to say is um

we're entertaining other offers.

Well I'm fully prepared to increase my offer.

- Really? - Oh. - Absolutely.

After I tear down this place down and build a more suitable house for this lot.

A suitable?

No offense it's just that this area

is up and coming.

As a matter of fact it's considered an historical

district.

Aw in that case 1.5 definitely won't cut it.

Well that was just my starting offer. How about I double it?

[In unison] Sold.

Ooh damn, I'm good.

Let's get escrow open right away.

Well I was thinking we could forgo the escrow and I could

pay it off in one lump sum.

Oah Lord Jesus, we are comin' up again.

In the words of a very famous Oscar winner,

"show me the money."

Show me the commission.

- Whew! - I can't believe this is happening.

Now this time, let's make sure that your sisters do not get the forwarding address.

Eh they'll probably just pick up the scent.

[Audience laughter]

But all I would need,

is for someone to provide me with a digital wallet so I can deposit

- your funds immediately. - Wait what?

- Digital wallet? - Yeah. That's the only way to transfer Litcoin.

Litcoin?

You didn't think I was gonna pay you in cash, did you? I mean

Litcoin is the future.

[Audience laughter]

Lawrence you seem like a nice guy so I'm gonna give you 30 seconds to get up

out my livin' room before I light your ass up.

[Chuckling]

[Audience laughter]

How about I make it 3.5?

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi.

[Music Sting]

[Instrumental Music]

Man, I gotta tell ya, as much as I hate takin' advice from Donnie's chunky ass,

I gotta admit, that Litcoin was a good investment, man.

I sold mine and I made 20% of my money, man.

Tone, how'd you do?

I don't want to talk about it.

[Chuckles] Took a loss, huh?

If you must know, I broke even.

But if I'd a let my investment ride, it'd be close to a million dollars.

Damn man, Tone man, you gotta feel like you look right now.

Like a jackass.

[Laughter]

Hey hey, what's up, y'all?

Oh Rod, what up, man? - What's up, boy?

So Tony,

now you seen the price of Litcoin that went up, huh?

Maybe next time you'll listen to your boy.

Okay, okay, a brother messed up. You don't need to throw it in my face.

[Domino drops]

Donnie man, how did you do?

Oah man, talk about a come up.

So Litcoin is up over like 1,000% right now.

Now I didn't sell,

- but I'm thinkin' about sellin'. - Okay.

Alright, How much did you invest?

A dollar.

[Laughter]

So you mean you won $10.

Well I mean you know, I told ya I went all in.

[Audience laughter]

[Chuckling] Wait a minute, but you owe me $20

for the edge-up last week.

- Look Rodney, you ain't gotta be like that bro. - Oh I'm like that.

[Door closes] Greetings...

poor people,

[Audience laughter]

Melinda, what are you doing here?

[British accent] Oh I just stopped by to let you know I'll be using a few personal days

to go on a mini vacay.

Where are you going, aaah?

That's personal!

Oh, thanks for puttin' your girl on to Litcoin. Ah ha ha.

Oh no, mah my pleasure. My pleasure.

Um can I, can I get a cut?

Hm, no. See that's between you and Rodney.

Uh hm, handle that. [Chuckles]

Mr. Stallworth I just wanna let you know if you need me,

I'm a be wine tastin' in Solvang for the weekend. [Chuckles]

[Clears throat]

Boy toy!

[Audience laughter]

[Maniacal laughter]

On second thought, I quit.

Ah hah!

I'm just jokin', Mr. Stallworth. I'll be there on Monday.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]