Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Huh. You know, at first it was pretty hard letting go of Devin.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Wait, who's Devin again?

- Shut up. - Devin, Devin, Devin.

Oh you mean that little moocher that used to live here?

Oh he still lives here but

with him away at college and Ebony off with her friends...

- for the weekend. - Ebony, Ebony, hm.

Stop it, Tony.

I'm serious, Lisa. We have the house to ourselves

for a much needed adults-only weekend.

I don't want to hear the words Devin, Ebony, Essence or Jet again.

Heh, yeah it is nice having one

weekend without the kids.

Hell yeah it is.

And you know what I'm most excited about?

That we can do anything we want in any room we want?

Nope.

That we can be as loud as we want?

- Nope. - Okay, then what?

How much money we gonna save.

Ooh, forget a vacation. I'm all about the staycation.

[Laughter] - Tony! - What?

I'm over here tryin' to be all romantic and

flirty, and you just over here thinkin about money.

It's called multi-tasking, Lisa.

Saving money gets me excited.

Mm, I'm kinda worried that our romantic life is a bit stale lately.

- Yeah because of the kids. - You sure?

Because I've read that this happens in long-term relationships.

But one way to spice it up would

- be to - Put a pole up?

Hell, no.

Come on, Lisa. I got a jar full of pennies. I can make it hail.

And I can create a drought.

[Audience laughter]

Never mind. I'll take a rain check.

I was going to suggest a little role-playing.

Oh okay, okay. Let's start tonight.

Okay, I will be the handsome, strapping husband

and you can be the desperate housewife that just happens to have

a couple kids out of town for the weekend.

Ooh I'm not mad at that.

- Mm hm. Mmm. - Mm mm hm hm hm.

[Yawning]

Cause you know, you know we have the whole weekend to, to role-play.

Yeah. Yeah let's just get some rest.

Save our energy up for tomorrow cause I'm a wear you out, okay?

[Laughter]

I will.

A you know what? I'm gonna be pretty good at the actin' thing

cause back in the day I go offered to be a stand-in

for Cuba Gooding Jr.

In which movie,

Radio?

[Audience laughter] - Alright, that's not funny.

I like the french fries.

[Theme Music]

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ The bill collectors want their fees ♪

♪ The kids keep talkin' back to me ♪

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time ♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time

♪ Oah ho ho hoa yeah

[Instrumental Music]

Cabana boy,

Cabana boy, where are you?

Si, Señora Stallworth.

Ooh Tony, look at you lookin' all cute in your little shorts

and your cabana boy shirt.

Ah ah ah, not Tony.

Me llamo es Antonio.

Oh okay. Well Antonio,

my glass is empty and I'm a little parched.

More champagne please.

[Latin accent] I shall pour you another pronto.

And when you're done I'm going to need something that's

not on the menu.

Mm. How about a spicy Quesa-Lisa

covered in a tasty Tony-viche?

[Audience laughter] Oh, well okay.

Ew ah ah wait a a I just got this job.

I ain't tryin' to lose my benefits.

Tony!

Oh, role-playing. Right, I'm sorry.

[Clears throat]

- Okay, eh I'm a little hot - Mm.

- and bothered. - Oah.

Well let me cool you off, Señora.

Aaah, perfect.

And when you're done maybe you can help me put on some sunscreen

so I can skinny dip.

Well hell to the yeah.

I mean a

[Latin accent] It would be my pleasure.

Now I know I may lose my job for this but

[Tony's normal voice] why don't you pop that top off

so we can get this thing crackin'?

Thought you'd never ask. [Tony smirking]

Ooh, hello hello.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

As a matter of fact you are.

Tony I thought I told you to put a lock on the gate.

I told Antonio to do it. He got distracted.

[Audience laughter]

I can't tell when you're joking.

Should I go? Am I interrupting?

You're already here. Now what you want, blocker?

This is so important. Have you heard what's been going on?

What? Annoying neighbors barging in the backyard without being invited?

[Audience laughter]

That happened to you too?

The Johnsons,

so intrusive. No manners, right. Anyhoo,

have you heard about the neighborhood break-ins?

No. What exactly is going on?

There have been neighborhood break-ins?

Here.

That's it?

- Uh. - You coulda sent that in a text.

No, this is important. I knew I needed to come in person.

Okay, well thank you for the information light-bright,

now make like Michael Jackson and beat it.

[Audience laughter]

Oh pop culture reference. I got you. Right back at you.

I do more of a Sade shimmy mind you. Oh,

look out for that smooth criminal.

[Audience laughter]

Can I get um one mimosa before I

Get on, kick rocks!

[Audience laughter] Fair enough.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, how could I forget.

Yeah. Just make sure Antonio puts a lock on the gate first.

Pronto.

[Instrumental Music]

Doctor, you wanted to see me?

Ooh hm.

Yes a a I'm glad that you came into my office

because I wanted to discuss your promotion to headnurse.

[Audience laughter]

Do you accept?

Well only if you allow me to take your temperature first?

Oah, how about I take your temperature with my mouth-ometer?

Followed by some physical therapy.

Ooh, we work together, doctor. That is so inappropriate.

Not in the Stallworth hospital.

[Giggling]

- Hellooo. - Hellooo.

[In unison] Hello!

Oh, no!

What the hell?

My sentiments exactly. What the hell are you doing?

Tony and I were just you know,

Bein' grown.

Now what the hell y'all want, Princess frog and Hellboy?

[Audience laughter]

Very funny, Grey's Afatomy.

[Audience laughter]

Now what you two scarecrows want?

We want to know why you are dressed like a doctor?

Yeah, cause you can't even spell MD.

And I hope you don't think you gonna get your big head in our picture?

[In unison] What picture?

For our parents' anniversary, we decided to recreate a picture

from our childhood Halloween.

I text you about this, Lisa.

Wait, wait, wait, aren't your baby pictures scary enough?

[Laughter]

Alright, I would hit you with a comeback but it looks like

your mirror already got the last laugh.

[Laughter]

Look guys, we were so cute, Tony.

I was a little princess

Rachel was the devil,

and my baby sister was aw slightly less-sexy nurse.

I was?

I was!

Yes I was and that is the only reason I'm dressed like

this right now.

Right? Okay Tony, why are you dressed like a doctor?

- Mm hm. - I'm actually dressed like a veterinarian cause I knew

that you two Great Danes was comin' over.

[Dog barking sounds]

- You know what? - Whatever.

Just take the picture Dr. Stankenstein.

[Audience laughter]

- Where, Lori? - A what what? - Alright. Alright.

- What am I doing? - You were on the left.

- Show me your face. - Yes, like this. - Alright.

- Okay, wait a minute. Let me fix my - Smile.

- Alright, pick up your paws. - Wait a minute. Let me...

- I don't wanna, wait! Don't oh - Mm hm.

- Bark one time. - But wait- [Sighs]

[Barking sounds] Why do you put up with him? - Alright.

- Tony. - That's enough. - No, no, no, wait.

I had a couple more poses planned.

I was thinkin' somethin' jailhouse. You know how [Sighs]

What's up for later? You guys wanna watch a movie?

Ooh a you know Tony and I, we planned a romantic weekend and y'all are just

intruding.

Exaaactly.

Oh! I get it!

Y'all bein' freaky. That's why you got on a sexy nurse's outfit and you just

you dressed like Dr. Seuss.

Somethin' like that.

- Yep. - Ugh, that's nasty. Y'all got kids.

That's how we got kids in the first place.

Now if y'all excuse us, I have a patient that needs an injection.

[Gasps] Lisa?

See ya.

- Uuh. - Bye bye now.

Like spoiled ketchup and mustard bottles.

Tony, this whole role-playin' thing is not workin'.

Too many distractions.

No no no. No more distractions.

Now a let me go ahead and put you down on this operation table.

Oh okay good doctor.

Would you like me to disrobe?

No, why don't you just put on one of those sexy robes and leave it untied?

[Giggling] You're so [Doorbell rings]

Huh dammit, Tony.

Wait you know what, that is just the food.

I will tell the driver to kick rocks.

Look,

Anybody order Goober Eats?

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

- Mm mm. - Good huh?

- Mm mm. - Did you try this?

- I hear the...Are you finished!? - I didn't try.

[Audience laughter]

[Belches]

I guess I am now.

Uh, y'all ain't wanna eat nothin'? What are y'all fastin'?

If we were fastin', we wouldn't of ordered food you

[Stammering] Lisa, Lisa, don't. He,he don't know no better.

Oah. [Stammering] Lisa, Lisa, don't. He,he don't know no better.

Oah.

One thing I do know is this Goober Eats business is a lot harder than just Goober drivin'.

They expect me to ride around, rush and pick up food and deliver it?

Then they get mad if the food is half eaten or cold.

Okay, well maybe you shouldn't eat other people's food, Donnie.

Maybe they shouldn't a ordered all my favorites, Lisa.

[Audience laughter]

Think I'm supposed to just drive around smellin' all this deliciousness

and not want a couple bites and steal some for us?

Pssht, I got low blood sugar.

[Audience laughter]

Question,

why are y'all two dressed up like a doctor and a nurse?

- Aaaah, - Oah easy, easy.

- Um, you wanna take this one? - No, no. you got it.

- You? Me? - You got it.

- Oh yeah look, check it out. - That's all you. Ha ha.

Um, you never know when an emergency might arise so we just

like to stay prepared. [Smirks]

- Makes perfect sense to me. - It does?

Yeah, I dress up like a cop sometimes myself.

I'm afraid to ask why.

I'm not afraid to tell you. You be surprised at what people will do to

get out of a ticket. [Laughter]

Roger 10 4, we got a 9 11 in progress.

6'5" by the 616. We got a light-skinned red bone and a dark-skinned ninja.

[Audience laughter]

- Uh. - You do know that's illegal, right?

Impersonatin' an officer.

Only if you get caught.

[Audience laughter] Mm.

Donnie one day they will make a movie about your life.

How to eat like a horse and act like a jackass.

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Says the guy and his wife impersonatin' a doctor and a nurse. Pssht.

Y'all can barely afford health insurance, let alone go to med school.

Donnie...listen,

the real thing is look,

Lisa and I are tryin' to have an adults-only weekend.

[Muttering] Yeah. You feel me?

I understand, man. - My man.

You know adults need their alone time.

- Sure enough. - Yeah. - So Tony, kick rocks.

- Look, I'm tryin' to tell... - What, what's

He need to know.

How about I kick you in the head?

Is this how you talk to all your patients?

You have no bedside manner?

Yeah what I think Tony is tryin' to say is we just

Hold tight.

I got another Goober Eats delivery.

I guess I'm havin' ice cream.

[Audience laughter]

Be back later.

No no no no no no. Don't be back.

Uh huh, don't order no more food.

Lisa, I'm a come back for my checkup.

Ooh ooh ooh, check this out.

- See oh yeah no, right there. Right there yeah, that's good. - Right.

[Audience laughter]

I'm sorry. Sorry.

[Instrumental Music]

Somebody call a plumber?

I did. My pipes are clogged.

Oh, nothin' a little auger can't fix.

Now where's the problem at?

Underneath the sink, Mr. Plumber.

Do you think you can fix it?

There ain't no problem I can't fix cause I'm a do it in the mix.

- Mmm uh hum - [Laughter]

Now let's check this problem out here.

[Toolbox drops] Oh, might I suggest a belt, Mr. Plumber?

Oh my fault. I, I was just tryin' to keep it authentic.

[Giggling]

You must be awfully thirsty. Would you like a drink?

No no no. I'm good.

Okay, I think I see the problem.

- We're gonna have to replace the copper tubing. - Okay.

Swap out the elbow drain and I need to go outside and check out your water distributor.

Okay Tony, can you drop it with the technical lingo?

I know a lot about plumbing. I'm just tryin' to keep it authentic.

Let's just stick to the role-playing, okay?

- I am a lonely housewife trying to be seductive. - Okay.

- Got it. Let's do this. - Okay. Alright. A where you going?

- Back to one. - Let's just pick it up from right here.

- Oh. - Okay? Let me get back into character.

[Clears throat]

Action!

- Oh sexy, hot plumber, - Hm.

- You've been working so hard. You're all sweaty and tired. - Mm.

Would you like to take a break?

- I can use some relaxing. - Oh I bet you could.

Would you like a massage?

- Oh, you sure your husband won't mind? - He's at work.

- Mm. - He's always at work.

[Chuckling] Well maybe he's just tryin' to provide for you and your family.

Yeah, but when the cat's away,

the mice will play, okay? [Chuckling]

- You know what I mean? - Okay, um,

Well maybe the lonely housewife should get a job or a hobby or some friends or somethin'.

Then call up pest control so he can stop her sisters from slitherin' around the house

eatin' up all the damn food instead of tryin' to seduce the plumber.

What the hell just happened here, Tony?

What are you talkin' about?

You know what I'm talkin' about, Lisa?

Is that what you do when I'm at work?

I've seen the same cable van parked outside for 3 days in a row now.

What van Tony? what are you ta...

We're role-playing, remember?

- Yeah, well I like it better without the cheating. - Ooh, uh uh.

- Uh mm Uh mm mm mm, I quit. - What, what?

Wait wait wait. Okay okay okay um,

How about you don't have a husband?

- Okay, you got it. - Alright. Okay.

[Tony clears throat]

Would you like to come upstairs? I think I have some work that needs to be done in the bedroom.

Mm let's get it.

Mmm [Doorbell rings]

Dammit.

- Let me get the - Yeah.

It better not be that cable man wantin' to give you his premium package either.

[Laughter] Cut it out, Tony.

Oah! What do you two vampire bats want? This ain't a cave.

Then why do you look like Fat-man?

[Audience laughter]

I don't know what y'all got goin' on up in here but

you need to go put back on your nurse's outfit.

We have moved on. Can't you tell this is a different scene?

Why do I need to be back in my nurse's outfit though?

Well this one dropped the camera

and now we lost all the pictures.

That's because you knocked it out of my hand...

[Overlapping shouting]

Alright, alright. Hey, hey, wombats, wombats!

Calm down.

Oah. Oh my God.

Have you heard?

What we didn't hear Cheryl, was the doorbell.

- This is not a good time, Cheryl. - No the robber

is in the neighborhood.

And the police are chasing him right now.

Oh how sexy. Is he fine?

Ooh is it on the news? Turn on the TV.

Do not turn that TV

Hey guess what?

Someone made a prank order and now I got all this free Indian food.

[Audience laughter]

Oh I know that house. That's right down the street.

- The Johnson's.

Whatcha all watchin' on TV?

The police. They're chasin' a burglar through this neighborhood.

Donnie, get over here with that curry.

Ooh, you got some chicken tiki masala?

Yeah.

Okay, that's it. Everybody out my damn house.

Oh no no wait, look the police chase.

No no no no no, shut it.

Now all Lis and I wanted was a little alone time and y'all couldn't even give us that.

Could ya, huh?

Now take your damn curry goat,

your burglar stores, these 2 sea lions and kick rocks!

- Hoa. I'll be out. - Ooh. [Gasp]

Uh. Oh well I never

Well if you could keep a man you probably would.

Wait, Tony come on.

- Seriously, just - No, no. Look look, I'm on a roll here.

Alright, I feel like half our damn marriage problems are caused by these people

droppin' off they problems on us.

Now get out and stay out.

- Can - Bye.

Ha ha. There, they gone.

So you just gonna turn on our friends, insult my sisters like that?

and just throw everybody out?

C'mon, Tony, that's just rude!

So now you're mad at me? Lisa? Lisa?

Wait.

Well unclog your own damn pipes.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Oah,

Come on, Lisa. Really, you're reading?

It's my one weekend with no kids. Clearly

romance isn't happening so I'm catching up on my reading.

No no no no no, romance can happen. Check it out.

[Deep voice] Hey baby, I changed the pipes under the sink. Now let me take a look under

- your - Actually I fixed my own pipes, remember? So no thank you.

Come on, Lisa. I already kicked everybody out and I don't think they're comin' back.

Yeah couldn't you have done it a little nicer?

Nice don't work with them. You've met them people.

Come on, we gotta be direct with them fools.

Lori and Rachel are my sisters, Tony.

Cheryl is my neighbor and friend.

And Donnie is always around for some reason.

- So? - So I'm going to have to deal with all of them all the time

and now you put me in this weird position

where I have to apologize.

Well they should be the ones apologizin' for always bargin' in.

Yeah but that's how family works.

Everybody leans on each other.

Well I'm just tryin' to lean on you.

[Audience laughter]

Look, when was the last time I barged in on one of your sister's cages?

I don't know but if we had an emergency, you know they'd be there for us.

Alright. A so what do you want me to do? You want me to apologize?

No I just, I don't want you to do anything, Tony.

- I just want to be left alone, for now. - Lisa?

Come on, girl. Oah.

Ughm.

Well looks like it's just me and you. Whatchu wanna do?

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Hold it right there, Miss.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you. Now

stand up. Let me pat you down.

[Audience laughter]

Oh okay, you know what?

A for effort Tony, but this weekend is spoiled.

Wait wait woa woa, is this because of the thing I did earlier?

Uh now listen, I will call everybody and apologize

for what I said. You won't even have to deal with them.

No, I mean it really isn't that, Tony. I just

I think the spark is gone.

- The spark is gone? - Mm hm.

- With us? - Mm hm.

- And it can't be relit? - I mean I don't know.

I think maybe this is just what happens when couples are married for so long.

Why do you keep sayin' that? Girl we are still young.

Now come on. Let's give it one more shot. I'm already dressed. Go throw somethin' on.

Like what?

Come on, put on a business suit.

You can be a high-powered executive that got busted for insider trading.

Ooh, like Martha Stewart.

- Mm hm. - And then you can bust into my cell

Uhm.

And then I just, I'm, I'm a make you a cake.

- Ooh. - Or what about a pie?

- That's what I'm talkin' about. - Wait...

Is that a helicopter?

Baby you are really gettin' into this role-playing

thing, huh?

No, the helicopter was not in the budget.

[Propellers whirring]

What the hell is goin' on out here?

That's right.

You'll never take me alive.

Uh huh. You don't know who you messin' with.

I'm from Bompton, fool. That's why I'm-

[Audience laughter]

Okay, okay. You got me. You got me.

Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. I give up.

Plea, please don't hurt me. Please.

Plea, okay I know the position already...cool.

Great job, officer.

How'd you know to come up in this yard, man?

A Roger, 10 4. 7 8 9 5.

[Audience laughter]

Sounds good.

We'll take it from here.

[Muffled groaning]

- You'll never... - Hey fellas, he's back here.

Black power player.

Okay, Tony.

That was really sexy.

Hm hm, you like that?

Yeah, officer. I think you better take me upstairs for questioning.

If we go upstairs, I'm probably gonna need some handcuffs.

Okay see now if we do that we're gonna need a

safe word.

How about kick rocks?

[Audience laughter]

You can just take your wife upstairs.

Yeah, let's hurry up so you can assume the position.

[Giggling]

[Instrumental Music]

Tony!

Whew! Last night was...

Amazing, spectacular, life-changing?

I was going to say great but we'll go with life-changing.

[Chuckling] And don't worry, I already called all of our friends this

morning and apologized for yelling.

I'm sure they'll be droppin' by unannounced any moment

and there's one right there.

Hm.

Oh my God,

I can't believe the pursuit ended in your backyard. Were you so scared?

Of course not. I had my Tony to protect me.

I was actually quite scared, Cheryl. Thanks for asking.

[Doorbell rings] Oh, it's probably my sisters.

- Coffee? - Ooh. Yes please, officer Stallworth.

Okay, tone it down a notch. I'm a married man.

Yeah no I, I heard that.

[Audience laughter]

Yeah.

Alright, you ready to see our picture?

I thought vampires didn't show up in pictures.

[Audience laughter]

Besides, ain't Rachel's phone busted?

Like your face?

[Audience laughter]

I knew a girl who knew a guy who knew a girl who had a

cousin who owed them a favor so,

got my phone fixed.

And, wait for it...

Ta-dah!

What do you think?

Yeah, if I was your parents, I'd keep that picture outside the house.

Shut up LeBron Lames.

Good.

Mm.

Well, I got fired.

What kind of a goober gets fired from Goober Eats?

[Laughter]

What kind of red bone can't find love at home?

[Audience laughter]

I'm not fired yet, per se.

Huh, but when they realize I ain't been makin' them deliveries,

You can't be stealin' people's food, Donnie.

Borrowed.

Ya'll eat what you can and I'll deliver the rest.

Ooh.

- Yes! - But ya'll save me the pickled pig feet. That's mine.

This is mine.

I already took it.

[Instrumental Music]

No, no. Honestly believe it or not,

Tony's been goin' just over the top in the romance department lately.

I'm serious.

Girl, he did a half-naked impression of D'Angelo.

[Audience laughter]

What's all that noise? Are you throwin' up?

[Audience laughter]

Let me call you back. Tony just walked in.

Wha, are you throwin' up again?

Who are you talkin' to?

Just Rachel.

Rachel? I didn't know you spoke werewolf?

[Audience laughter]

Tony, what's in the bag?

Mm mm mm. Not Tony, Antonio.

[Audience laughter]

Didn't I fire you as my cabana boy?

Yes, but I got a new job as a Goober Eats driver.

And my first mission was to pick up some tasty treats

for Señora Stallworth.

Oh, well what you got?

Chocolate cake.

Ooh.

Chocolate brownie with macadamia nuts.

Ooh I love those nuts.

And a fresh can of whipped cream

with the cherries on top.

What do you think you're gonna do...with that?

I'm gonna make me a Lisa sundae or in this case, Monday.

Come here, girl.

- No, you not. - Real quick.

- Come on. Let me just get a little squirt. - Stop it.

[Instrumental Music]

Aow.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]