Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

[Footsteps]

Oh I cannot believe it!

Look at my baby! Going off to college.

Oh it seems like only yesterday you were just a baby!

Just, be a baby again.

- Be a baby again. - Mom!

[Whining] Be a baby again. - Mom!

Lisa, Lisa, let the boy go. He's a man now.

I'm sorry. I just got a little carried away.

That's what women do. Y'all get emotional during these times.

That's why it's up to the man to stay calm, cool and collected.

Son, when you get to college,

Always remember [voice cracks]

[Clears throat] [Audience laughter]

Just keep in mind [voice rising] Ah hah. Mm.

Can't you just be 4 again? Be 4 again!

Remember how I used to give you piggyback rides?

Hop on my back. Let me give you a piggyback ride for old time's sake.

- Come on. - Dad, dad, stop.

Okay, just hop on my shoulders. Let me carry you around a bit.

Dad, I don't want you to crack a vertebrae.

[Audience laughter]

Look at you using all those big words. Sounding all collegiate.

- Baby, I can't, I can't. - Devin, I just wanted to let you know that

that I'm gonna miss you and blah blah blah.

Let's cut to the chase. Mom and dad, what' happening with Devin's room?

[Audience laughter]

I was actually thinking about turning it into a walk-in closet.

No, no, no, no. Daddy is claiming that for his own personal gym.

Tony please, you already have the man cave.

How many rooms do you really need?

Lisa, I'm trying to get in shape.

- You already shaped...like an avocado. - Up.

You weren't complainin' about that guacamole though, were you?

[Chuckling] Hello, I called his room first.

No, no, no, now look. It's a gym,

and that's final, alright?

[Overlapping bickering] - Hey, hey.

Hey!

I'm still here for a couple of days.

Can't y'all wait till my bed is cold till y'all start fightin' over it.

[Laughter] We better.

Hey, I think I should get Devin's room.

Lonnie, can you please use the front door when you come in?

Why would I use the front door when I could just hop the fence

and come through the back?

This is exactly why I need to live here, okay? I need Devin's room.

Do you realize how much time I could save by going

to and from the Stallworth refrigerator if I just lived here?

You know how much time and money I would save if you just didn't live?

Donnie hell, no.

Come on, son. I could be like the son you never had.

[Theme Music]

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ The bill collector's want their fees ♪

♪ Kids keep talkin' back to me ♪

♪ Family Time

[Chorus] ♪ Family Time. Family Time. Family Time ♪

♪ Oah ho ho hoa yeah

[Instrumental Music]

Thanks for helping me out with debate club, Aunt Vivian.

Aw of course. When I was your age, I was debate club president,

spelling bee champion, oh and the only white girl in an

all-black high school.

[Audience laughter]

What's up, family? Just grabbin' a mid-day snack.

What y'all talkin' about anyway?

Oh I'm helping Ebony with her debate club.

Aw nice. Don't let me interrupt y'all.

When it comes to debate, you got to remember the three P's.

Preparation, poise and presentation.

And you got to know your facts.

And you got to work on your breathing

and your body language.

And lay out your argument simply and cohesively.

Okay, let me interrupt. Ebony,

you don't need to know the

5 P's or 3 D's or none of that bull.

Okay, what you need to focus on

is seeing your opponent as the enemy!

Alright? And be willing to do

or say whatever it takes

to destroy 'em! Alright?

Whether that be making up lies, talkin' about their mama, anything.

Donnie, that's not how you win a high school debate.

No?

No.

Tell you what, why don't you debate me on anything, and I will win.

Alright.

How about, ooh whether or not the earth is flat.

Perfect. I have no opinion on the matter so I tell you what,

I'll argue either side.

Hm. I'll take the side that the earth is round.

- Perfect. Ebony, you be the judge. - Okay.

Alright, I'll start. [Clears throat] Um,

It's obvious to everyone especially the scientific community,

that the earth is round.

Your mama's round.

[Audience laughter]

Donnie, don't interrupt my opening statement.

Your mama interrupted your opening statement.

That doesn't make any sense.

[Whispering] Your mama don't make sense.

- Ay. [Laughter]

I'm killin' it!

[Sighs] Ah well, when you see a ship

coming from the distance, it doesn't just appear.

It appears as if the ship is coming out of the water

and that is because of the curvature of the earth.

Objection. I think we should talk about

your mother's curvature and how it's weighing the earth down.

- Case closed! [Laughter]

Okay, fine Donnie. So you can make mama jokes,

but you haven't made a singular argument as to why the earth is flat.

And you don't close an argument with case closed. You say,

resolved.

Resolved, dissolved, Ebony, who won?

[Audience laughter]

I'm sorry Aunt Vivian, I gotta give this one to Donnie.

Case closed.

[Sighs] Stop saying case closed!

- I wanna try. - Oh, well step on up, little girl.

Why don't you debate whether or not it's okay for you to

just come on in here everyday and steal food?

I'll start.

The Stallworths have an abundance of food in their refrigerator,

and if it does not get eaten then it will go to waste. And wasting food

is dumb.

Your mama's dumb!

Whoo! - Hey,

- don't come for my mama. - Case closed!

My mama's a gorgeous woman. How dare you disrespect her!

[Instrumental Music]

Tony, stop eating chips. We're about to have dinner.

Lisa, I am a grown-ass man.

If I want a pre-dinner snack, I'm gonna have me a pre-dinner snack.

Well if you want your after dinner dessert,

you might want to come help me set this table.

- Yes, dear. - Okay.

Oah, there's my boy.

One of the last times I'll see his little cute face before he goes off to

college.

Mom, can we not do this every single time?

I'm going to college not war.

[Audience laughter] Alright,

you mess up on them grades, you're gonna be spending tuition money

on hospital bills.

Stop it, Tony!

Honey, were you able to connect with your new roommate?

Yeah, I got connected with him on social media.

He seems cool.

I think him and his mom are coming over so I can actually meet him in person.

Oh good. I'd love to meet his mother.

Oh forget his mother. I want to meet the boy.

Make sure our son ain't bunkin' with a, a gangbanger or somethin'.

Come on, dad. A gangbanger goin' to college?

They can't learn everything on the streets.

Stringer Bell took college classes on The Wire.

What if he's a drug dealer or a thief or somethin' like that?

- I read about college students buyin' and sellin' pills. - Mm.

Then maybe I can get a discount.

- Hey. - Up ey ah pssh.

I'm just joking.

[Knocking] Mm hm.

Get a buy one, get one free ass whoopin'. Keep it up.

You must be...white people.

You lost?

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

You lost?

[Whispering] Dad.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, come on in. Come on in.

[Chuckling] It's just...

that is my fault. I did not mean to blurt out that you were white.

It's alright. It's not a secret to us.

What's up?

- Jerome. - Hey, yeah. You must be Devin.

And I'm Tony and this is my wife Lisa.

Hi, so nice to meet you both.

Nice to meet you too.

I'm Aretha.

Hm. Hey, can we just quickly address the white elephant in the room?

- Ah I think that my wife and I...

Ooh Tony don't drag me into whatever it is you're about to say.

I think that Iwas assuming that you guys were black

because your names are Jerome and Aretha.

I named him after Jerome Robbins, who wrote West Side Story.

Okay, okay. And Aretha?

Well my mother had a thing for the queen of soul.

Ah, i can R E S P E C T that.

Okay Tony, can you stop grilling our guests about their names, please?

Why don't you come on in. Grab a seat. Let me get you a drink.

Wow, this place is great.

Aw, thanks Jerome. You're so polite.

- Can I ask just one more question? - Dad!

- Please stop. - Well it's just that this is an historically black

- college and... - Why would they let a white kid in?

Well I wasn't gonna phrase it exactly like that, but yes.

[Audience laughter]

I applied to a lot of colleges and this is one of the ones that accepted me.

He worked so hard on his application and his essays.

I mean he even got a full scholarship.

Full scholarship!

- Yeah. I got the Malcolm X Memorial Fund. - Aw.

The Malcolm X Memorial Fund.

[Squealing] Did you hear that, Lisa?

We payin' for a full tuition,

and Jerome got the Malcolm X Memorial Fund.

Ah.

[Audience laughter] Hm. Must have been one amazing essay.

Well, you gotta get in by any means necessary.

[Chuckling]

Well you think there's any chance that they saw the name

Jerome Washington on the essay and just assumed he was a brother?

Up nope, just me. No brothers or anything.

No. [Chuckling] That's cute.

No, no. I mean like a, a

Well actually he had an interview in person, so they know he's white.

Dad, you know that HBCU's aren't only for black people?

They accept all nationalities.

- Yeah but Malcolm X didn't even like...

Ah ah, that was before his trip to Mecca.

- Good point. - Yep.

[Instrumental Music]

Alright Lisa, what do you really think about Devin's roommate?

Oh I like him. He's well-mannered. Great student.

White.

So what? Devin has white friends.

I have no problem with the boy being white.

but it's an HBCU not HWCU.

[Audience laughter]

But I always had the dream of Devin going off to college

and gettin' the black experience.

Yeah, and Martin Luther King always had the dream that little white boys

and little black boys could go to school together.

Okay Lisa, I think you're puttin' the remix on Dr. King's speech.

- You sound more like Don King. - [Laughter] Whatever.

He will get plenty of the black experience no matter who his roommate is.

Okay, but don't you think it's weird that Jerome is getting a scholarship?

He's taking away money from some black kid, like Devin.

Well, did Devin apply for any scholarships?

Devin can't even spell scholarship.

Exactly.

[Audience laughter]

But the Malcolm X Memorial Fund?

Malcolm X did say that education is the passport to the future.

Yeah he also said he's for truth no matter who tells it.

Truth is, somethin' just ain't sittin' quite white with me.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

I don't get what you need help with. We argue all the time and you

always win.

But now I'm dealing with smart people, so just pick a topic

and practice with me.

Okay.

So should cellphones be banned from schools?

I believe that cellphones should not be banned in schools.

Although it may be beneficial to have them put away during class time,

cell phones have many benefits.

ranging from social, to practical, to educational.

Oka,y a I can agree with that.

You're not supposed to agree with that. You're supposed to debate me.

Okay, so you want me to argue that cellphones should be banned in schools?

Hell no.

How else am I supposed to order Kung Pao chicken in History.

You know History made me hungry.

Okay, I think you might be missing the point of debate.

Okay, okay, I'll pick another one.

Oh, this one's easy.

What's the best pizza topping?

Pepperoni.

It's salty, savory, and it's great on pizza! Case closed.

You're not supposed to say case closed in a debate.

Pepperoni. It's the best topping on pizza.

Hands down.

Maybe for you but not for everyone.

If you think about the word best, the question is best for whom?

And pepperoni is definitely not the best for vegetarians.

However, what I think is the best topping

for all people is so obviously the best

that we take for granted.

- Hm. - And what I'm talking about is cheese.

Uhm, dang. You're right.

Cheese is the best pizza topping.

You're not supposed to agree with me!

You're just too convincing.

Hey Devin, can we talk to you for a minute?

I'm helpin' Ebony.

Ah, you weren't much help.

He's all yours.

What's up, dad?

We just wanna talk to you about your new roommate.

What about Jerome?

Well we just wanna know what you really think of him.

I mean like, like really really.

I think he's really really cool.

Really?

I mean I think he's really cool too. Ah Lisa, what do you think?

Uh uh. Don't get me in this.

This is your boat to row, Sir.

Lisa, what happened to presenting a united front?

Okay, why are we talking about Jerome?

I just want to make sure that you two click.

You know I think college is all about relationships.

Okay dad, what's this really about?

Are you trippin' off the fact that he's white?

Yeah, Tony. Are you trippin' off the fact that he's white?

That's cold, Lisa.

Look, I have no problem with the boy being white.

I just think that some students may have a problem

with him being white and you know, also having the Malcolm X scholarship.

[Audience laughter]

So should he have been awarded the Rachel Dolezal scholarship?

I'm being serious.

I'm being serious too Dad. I don't see what the problem is.

Look, I have no problem with anybody's ethnicity. I think everyone is created equal.

Look honey, I think what your dad is trying to say is he

doesn't want you to be ridiculed when you go off to school.

I don't get it.

Look, as I'm sure you know,

kids can be cruel and I just don't want my son

gettin' sweated for roomin' with the white recipient of the Malcolm X scholarship.

Dad, I don't have a problem with Jerome getting the scholarship.

Apparently he needed it so he applied for it.

And if anyone else has a problem with it, maybe they're racist.

[Audience gasps]

What you mean about me like that for? I am not racist.

Hm.

Lisa, am I racist?

Hm.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Drumming]

[Instrumental Music]

Hey Tony, you want a beer? My treat, man.

[Audience laughter]

Did you get those out of my refrigerator?

Yep.

You need to throw that chunky milk out, Tone.

Real thick. I poured me a glass earlier. It turned into grits.

Let me ask you a question. Give me your honest opinion.

Do you think white kids should be allowed to go to HBCU's?

Hell nah.

Wait, what's a HBCU?

[Audience laughter]

Historically black college, stupid.

HBCS.

What are you talking about?

You said Historically Black College stupid. That's HBCS.

Look dumbass, should white kids be allowed to go to black schools?

For what? Don't they have enough of they own already?

Okay, so you with me on this. You damn right.

Hm.

I don't think white kids should be able to go to college at all.

Oh whoa, whoa. [Chuckles] That's bit much now.

What are you talkin' about? They had their time.

They should get another leg up in society?

Tss.

Donnie that's just reverse racism.

It is impossible for us to be racist against white people, okay?

Brother, we have been systematically oppressed by the man

for far too long, okay?

It is time that we as a people come together.

Alright? We have been swept under the rug,

run amuck, led astray, and now the man wants to infiltrate our schools.

Can't we have nothin'?

To this brother, I say hell no.

Whatever Huey P. Doofus.

Listen, I'm tryin' to talk about Devin's roommate

who happens to be a white kid that's tryin' to get a higher education

at an HBCU.

Maybe I'm in the wrong about all this.

Whose side are you on Tony?

Stand your ground, man. Because I'm on your side.

And if you not on your side, that means you're not on my side.

You're not on my side, I need to know why you ain't got my back?

Hey shut up and hand me a beer.

[Audience laughter]

You coulda just leaned forwards and done the same thing I'm doin' right now.

[Audience laughter]

Look, you can talk to me about this for hours and it can go nowhere.

But if this is about you and your son, maybe you should just debate him.

We've already argued about it.

Not argued, debate, debate. Like what your daughter's doing.

If you're right, cool. If you're not,

he'll respect you cause at least you heard him out.

Hm. That's actually not a bad idea.

Now how your dumb ass not gonna know what a HBCU is?

I'm more concerned that Devin knows about the BBCG's at the HBCU.

The what?

And they call me the dumb one.

BBCG's. The big booty college girls!

Can't have a successful college without one.

[Audience laughter]

Welcome to the Stallworth family mock debate.

Tonight we will be debating whether or not white students

should be allowed to attend HBCU's.

Whether they should be allowed to get scholarships,

and whether they should be allowed to room with Devin.

On our pro side we have Devin, Ebony and Lisa.

- You know. Yes. - Ah hah. ha ha ha.

And on the con we have

- Donnie and Tony [Booing]

[Audience laughter]

I'd also like to point out that it's interesting that as

the only caucasian person in the room, I don't get a say in this.

Don't you think white people have had their voices heard enough?

Fair enough. Okay, I'll stick to moderating.

[Audience laughter]

Um, opening statements, huh?

I mean, I feel as if this is an open and shut case.

Hah. Your mama's an open and shut case.

Excuse me, Donnie.

Ah I'm, I'm sorry Lisa.

As I was saying, open and shut case.

If there were any college that excluded black students,

we'd be in the streets protesting.

Therefore, HBCU's shouldn't exclude any race.

Yeah but you're missing a historical context.

HBCU's exist solely because colleges weren't letting in black students.

Yeah but their goal was never segregation. It was integration.

Tss. Your mama's goal was integration with me.

[Audience laughter]

Donnie, get out of my house.

I'm on your side.

You're not helping.

Tony, it sounds like you're treating them the way they used to treat us.

Yeah, dad. And what's the harm of white students going to black schools?

Aren't you glad that they're interested in black culture and black history?

Well first of all Ebony, there's more to black colleges than black history class.

Exactly. It's a regular college with regular classes.

It just happens to have black roots.

Okay, fine. I will concede that Jerome should be allowed to go there.

But what about the scholarship?

Scholarship? Ain't Aretha rich enough to pay for her own kid's school?

I, I believe we're talking about a different Aretha.

I believe you should stick to moderating and don't undercut my argument.

[Doorbell rings]

I felt like someone was missing from this debate,

so I texted him to come over.

- Hey Devin. - Wow. - Oh.

Just in time. We were just talking about you.

Hey, we're just in the middle of um

debating whether or not you should be able to receive a higher education.

I think I would've put it a little more delicately, Viv.

[Audience laughter]

Look,

I get it.

But the truth of the matter is, I grew up dirt poor.

And I worked really hard in school every day of my life.

I applied to a lot of colleges and I applied for a lot of scholarships.

But this was the best choice for me.

They gave me the money and they have one of the best biology

departments in the country.

I'm looking forward to the HBCU experience, and I'm excited to be your son's roommate.

But I do respect your differing opinion.

As Malcolm X once said,

I have more respect for a man who lets me know where he

stands even if he's wrong.

Than the one who comes up like an angel and is nothing but a devil.

Aawww.

Resolved.

Man,

1995 Matt Damon is onto something.

Yeah.

A you make a strong case.

Yeah Tony, and may I a make another point?

A Devin, can you quote anything Malcolm X said?

Malcolm X.

[Audience laughter]

Isn't that the one that ran the school that Wolverine and Cyclones went to?

I knew it!

- Yeah, cause... - I see your point, Lisa.

[Audience laughter]

Jerome, it's an honor to have you as my son's roommate.

Thank you.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Oh wow! This is really happening.

My baby boy is lea, leaving!

Mom, please don't start crying now.

We got like 40 minutes to the airport, and I can't do no 40 minutes of crying.

I'm gonna be alright.

You should be worried about your father here.

- What? - No. Look I'm a man. Men don't cry.

Then why you got them dark shades on?

These lights are making my eyes sweat.

[Audience laughter]

[Footsteps]

I can't believe you guys are getting so emotional about this.

Devin's gonna flunk and be back in this house three weeks from now.

Okay, Ebony. Really?

do you want those to be your last words to your brother?

Last words?

I'm not going to the electric chair, mom. I'm going to college.

- Honey, please just... - It's gonna be okay.

Ah, I'm so glad y'all didn't leave. You're still here. Look,

There's so much I didn't teach you. I didn't teach you how to tie a tie,

I didn't teach you how to ride a bike,

I didn't even get a chance to teach you...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa man. I am his daddy. Okay, we did all that.

Besides, I taught you all those things.

[Audience laughter]

And I'm grateful, but I didn't get a chance to teach him all the uncle stuff.

Like how to unlearn everything your parents taught you.

I gotta teach you how to make

sure you talk to girls properly.

I got to make sure I teach you

how to ride a dirt bike without a license.

I never got a chance to teach you how to siphon gas.

Also, I got to teach you be down in college, man.

You can get you a little

[Door closes] side hustle going.

[Audience laughter]

Well joke's on y'all.

I smell food.

[Instrumental Music]