Original subtitles

[Instrumental music]

Hey, Lisa! I got it!

I got it!

Mm, well stay away from me cause the last time you got it, I got it.

I'm not talking about pink eye.

I'm talking about the black card.

What? What you talking about?

I applied for the Circle One Wesley Snipes black card.

Wow! Baby, you actually got approved?

Yes, that's I said.

I better hurry up and activate it before they realize they made a mistake.

Oh, Tony! You know I've been wanting to redecorate!

We could get new carpet, new window treatments.

Oh! And I, oh, oh, I saw these shoes.

They are so nice, Tony, they got the black bottom...

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Slow down. This is the Wesley Snipes black card.

Once they take out for taxes there ain't gonna be much left.

Come on, Tony, live a little!

Our time on earth is limited.

Mm hm. So is our credit.

Now it took us five years to get our credit straight.

I'm not going back in the red.

I mean, we got the card, so obviously we're in the black.

Mm. I'm trying to stay in the black.

I'm talking Black Panther black.

Hey, power to the people.

Aight, like I said, all right, we're going to hold it for emergencies only.

At some point, we make a small purchase, pay it off in full, and then watch our score soar.

[Doorbell rings]

Who's that? They're probably coming to repossess the black card.

No, silly. I think it's Rachel.

Why don't she just use the doggie door in the back?

Tony, stop it!

What she want anyway?

It's my sister and she does not need a reason to come over.

Yeah. I wish we could find somebody to repossess her.

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me

♪ The bill collectors won't let me be

♪ Kids keep talking back to me

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

[Instrumental music]

Hey, Sis!

Hey. So, what's the exciting news?

Girl, I got invited to the event of the year!

The Black and White Cotillion?

Girl, no. That's whack.

I'm going to the Mayor's Ball on Thursday night.

The Player's Ball?

No. Classier than that. The Mayor's Ball.

Oh! That's exciting!

Mm hm.

What are you going to wear?

I don't know.

Because you know I can't just buy something off the rack and

have two or three versions of me walking around, you know?

Well, you're running out of options. It's only a few days left.

I know.

That's why I'm here.

I need to borrow your cute little gold sequin clutch.

Borrow? I learned a long time ago not to loan you anything I can't afford to just give away.

Oh, so you're going to let me keep it! That is so sweet!

Thank you, Sis!

Because there's this designer website and you bid on things like an auction.

And then they send the winner the outfit within one day and

there's a dress on there that matches perfectly with your clutch.

Oh, well as long as you don't need to borrow a dress, then cool.

Don't worry. I would never borrow one of your whack dresses.

Oh. Well, that's good, because I wouldn't want it returned with stretch marks.

Whatever.

I already started a bid on the dress and they only have one

more in my size, so I just need to check the site and see how

the bidding is going.

[Gasps] Oh yes! All the bids are closed! I got the dress!

Hey! She got the dress! She got the dress!

That's great. So, what happens next?

Oh, just, just the real, real reason why I came by. It's just nothing big. I just um,

can you let me hold nine hundred dollars?

Nine hundred dollars for a dress?

Actually, it's nine hundred and ninety-three dollars to be exact.

But um, but don't trip because I'm planning on returning

the dress as good as new and getting your money back.

You are the guru of returns.

What? You're the one that taught me how to tape the bottom of my shoes, Miss Bad and Bougie.

Oh, yeah, well but no. Okay, Rachel! I can't help you with this.

I don't have just a spare nine hundred dollars just laying around!

Well, why don't you just put it on your card?

What card?

This one.

Don't be going through my stuff.

Don't be leaving your stuff out in the open.

No. I am so sorry. This card is only for emergencies.

Whew. Thank God. Because is this an emergency.

I gots to have that dress.

No. No. I cannot do it.

Won't do it. No, Rachel.

Oh, okay. I guess I should have not had your back

when you accidentally washed Tony's Magic Johnson jersey,

knowing how much he loves the Lakers. It was autographed and

everything and he'll never really know that that was my

handwriting.

Unless of course...

Okay! I see what this is.

Blackmail for the black card.

Fine, Rachel. I'll do this for you this time, but honestly, you really better give me my money.

Don't worry, Rhianna, calm down.

But since you're in such a giving mood, what about these shoes, though?

Can I go on and get those on the card, too?

Don't press your luck.

[Instrumental music]

Big Ton'!

When will you learn to knock?

Uh, never-you-worry thirty-third.

Anyway, I got a solution to your problem.

What problem is that?

You got an anniversary coming up, right?

Yeah, I was thinking about why that's any of your business.

Well, a happy wife ensures that I'm going to get some free meals on the regular.

Do you have a point?

Yeah, got somebody I want you to meet.

[Whistling]

What it do, Family?

Tony, this is D'Andre. Go ahead, set everything up on the table. man.

Uh, nice to meet you D'Andre. Donnie, could I talk to you over here for a second, brother?

Yeah, yeah.

Who is this bootleg negro setting up a swap meet on my kitchen table?

Oh that's D'Andre. He works down at the car wash. Everybody know him.

Everybody but me.

Tell him he gotta kick rocks.

All right.

Hey, D'Andre, show Ton' what you got!

Okay! Now, Ton', or is it Tony? Should I call you Tony?

Whatever you what. What you got?

I got what you need!

I need you to get out.

Now I got everything except that.

Now look, maybe I could interest you in a vintage terry cloth Karl Kanai sweat suit.

Feel that.

Terry cloth?

Come on, Ton'! Don't knock it, man. Terry cloth is on the comeback.

And it's environmentally friendly.

Mm hm.

Okay, bro, the gift is for my wife.

Why you ain't say something?

She like Timbs?

Man, hell no.

Okay, okay. I was just fishing.

Maybe, perhaps, I could interest you in this uh, nice four-fingered ring.

Look at that. That's a fist ring.

Get out.

Tony, D'Andre, look, show him the stuff we were talking about earlier.

The secret stash.

Oh, she smoke! Okay!

No!

The other thing.

Okay.

Check this out.

Look at that.

Is that a stole?

And you can get it for a steal.

But it's pink.

Stink pink.

Man, your girl see you show up with this right

here, she gonna fall right back in love with ya, what?

Listen, D'Andre, we live in Southern California.

They throw paint on furs.

Thus, the pink!

You right. You right. This ain't even you, man.

I'm saving that for Kim and Khloe and them anyway.

But maybe, perhaps, I can interest you in this nice diamond encrusted broach.

Now look, you're going to have to check out the pave settings

on that if you really just get close in there.

They really nice. You can tell that the work is...

Man, that's, that's classy. That's really...

Man, what did you do, rob Home Shopping Network?

Shh! Shh! Hey, don't be telling! Telling!

Hey! Check this out, man.

Check out the pave settings. It's pronounced pave.

All right. Look, my wife ain't really into skull and bones.

Okay, look. I got the perfect gift in mind already, but thanks for dropping by.

Okay, man. Well, in the future, shall a gifting situation present itself,

my man Donnie know how to get in touch with me.

[Pager Beeping]

Man, is that a pager?

A two-way pager. Now look, I don't mean to be short with you,

but I got some potential paying customers on the hook right now.

And if you ain't buying, I'm flying.

You're clear for take-off, Captain.

Okay, fellas. It's been real and it's been fun. But it ain't been real fun.

Donnie! Next week I should have tortoiseshell Cazal glasses that you ordered.

Yeah, they should be in next week just waiting on a delivery.

That's what's up!

Y'all be safe and y'all be blessed.

Donnie, what in the New Jack Swing was that?

He was cool. How come you ain't buy nothing?

Because my wife does not need a hood-rat starter kit.

Ah, look, man. I got this under control for my anniversary, okay?

I'm going to hire me a little private chef. Cook a little romantic dinner.

She gonna love it!

Man, that's whack.

Man, Lisa's way too fly for that. You gotta think outside the box.

You should've got that shawl.

Man, I had this chick one time, she was so smitten with me.

Did you just use the word smitten with a straight face?

Hey, she was what she was, Ton'.

And she loved her some Donnie.

Had a tattoo of me all over her back.

A tattoo?

Yeah, you don't think tattoos are sexy?

Not with your face on it.

Ah heh heh heh.

Tattoo on a beautiful woman done right? Tell me I'm wrong.

Tattoos on a woman can be sexy. Little hearts and butterflies.

Or, even a flower.

Tattoos on women can be sexy. Just not on my woman.

Why mess with perfection?

Yeah, you're right. Lisa is a picture of perfection.

I could just see her with a snake wrapped all around them curves.

Donnie, hand me that knife over there?

All right.

I don't think I will.

[Instrumental music]

Oh, such a pretty looking plant.

You're doing really good.

Did you get your dress?

Mm, yeah. And it fits tight and right. Mm.

Nice.

Now can you take a break from all that domestic work?

Watching you do all that gardening is making me tired.

It's actually very therapeutic.

You should try it.

I do all the gardening I need at the produce section of the supermarket.

[Chuckling]

Yeah, take the gloves off and have some ice tea.

You look like you can use a little Long Island in your ice tea. You all right, Sis?

Oh yeah, naw, I'm good. I'm just wracking my brain trying

to figure out what to get Tony for our anniversary.

Oh, what about a better personality, a good hairline, a diet, more money? A divorce?

Okay, yeah just...

No we always surprise each other with something special, you know and I'm

thinking, maybe a little crazy, but what do you think if I get a tattoo?

Something to make him say "wow".

Mm, you went from wow to ow.

No, I mean, I don't know, I think he might like it. What do you think?

I mean I'm not trying to, you know, go through all that pain for nothing.

Oh, it's not as bad as you think. And I think a nice

dainty little heart with his initials in it would be cute.

I mean it ain't like the tramp stamp I ended up with when I got faded in Tijuana.

Ended up with bootiful on my back instead of beautiful. Se habla ingles my ass.

Mm hm. Yeah, it's still back there.

A happy face under the O's.

Oh, that's smart. That's creative.

[Instrumental music]

You see that? See the woman walked by, Tony, with the little tattoo?

You got a little, or you got a crook in your neck?

What?

That little move you always do. I know you saw her.

I did not see that woman with the banging body. What tattoo?

The one on her chest Tony. You know you saw it!

I did not see that woman in the green dress with the little silver heels with the

little three stars going this way, the little anchor.

I think it said "happy mom" or something.

Uh, I wasn't looking at her.

Whatever. Did you like it?

I think it worked on her but, maybe we should ask if she has any more.

it might be a- [Phone Ringing]

You just...

Uh oh. Let me take this call, Tony. It's a little noisy in here.

- All right. - Okay.

Rachel, what's up? I'm at dinner with Tony.

Okay, okay, then I'll keep it brief.

There's been an accident.

Oh my God! Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm, I'm fine.

But uh, that dress, it's totaled.

What?

Uh, excuse me, can I ask you a question?

Did that hurt? You know, because the way it looks, actually, you know what? never mind.

Get out of here before my wife comes back. [Phone Ringing]

Go on. [Phone Ringing]

Hello?

Hello, Lynn from Wesley Snipes Circle One black card services. How may I help you?

Possible fraud alert?

Hell no, I ain't make no nine-hundred-dollar charge.

What, oh, wait.

You know what? Never mind. I think I know what happened.

Thanks for calling. All right.

Uh, who was that on the phone, Tony?

Actually, it was the credit card company.

Huh?

Mm hm. Something about a nine-hundred-dollar charge.

No, no, no, no. No, no.

Well, so what, yeah, well, I can, I can explain.

No, no, no, no. No need to explain.

I think I know what happened.

You know what happened and you're not, you're not mad?

No, of course not. That's why I married you.

My baby, always thinking about others.

Mm.

So, you um, you really liked that lady's tattoo, huh, Tony?

Eh.

[Instrumental music]

Rachel! Where are... oh, hello.

Uh, where are you?

You ain't slick sending your tattoo artist over here by herself.

I don't care how much damage is done to the dress.

I want my money, Rachel. I'm not playing. Call me back!

All right, okay, Lisa. We're almost done.

Good, good. Because this is really irritating.

Okay, can you take a picture?

Sure.

Oh, okay.

- Got it? - Oh!

It's pretty.

Is it pretty?

It's pretty.

Let me see it. Let me, okay.

Oh my gosh! This really is!

You like it?

I like it!

It's really, it's really pretty. But it's pretty incorrect!

That says "Ride or Diet".

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

- No, it doesn't. - Look!

It's actually a cross next to the "E". Okay?

Let me tell you something, you seem like the spiritual type to me, inspired me to do that.

You like it?

It says Ride or Diet.

I said I wanted it to say Ride or Die!

Definitely Ride or Die, cross.

It's a special thing that I have, a lot of people don't really know about it,

but it's like I can sense things, you know what I mean?

Are you, are you high?

Do you have brownies or, oh yes, cookies!

[Instrumental music]

[Knocking]

Oh, so I'm mad so now you want to knock.

Okay, I get it, you're mad.

I spilled wine on the dress, I can't return it and I don't have your money. Waa Waa Waa.

Oh, we will get back to that, trust me we will.

But right now, I have a much bigger problem.

Oh, see I told you Daphne was the bomb!

The bomb? More like a bum. Your little illiterate friend needs to use spell check.

What are you talking about?

Read it!

Read it! I paid all that money for what? A typo!

I have a tattoo typo on my back!

Oh, that is bad. Ride or Diet.

Well, look on the bright side. I mean, Tony could stand to drop a few pounds.

I'm gonna drop you.

[Instrumental music]

Hey, Tony, uh we need to talk.

Oh, Lord. What'd I do now?

Remember the other night when we were in the restaurant and that woman walked by with the tattoo?

Oh, are we still on this? Lisa, I can assure you, I was not

looking at that woman in the skin tight little black dress

with the little heart tattoos.

Looked like she was Creole anyway, and I don't like Creole women.

Okay, can you just...will you just listen?

I really need your honest opinion. Seriously.

Uh, what do you think about women with tattoos?

I'll just keep it one hundred.

I do not like tattoos on women.

Really? So, you don't think I would like cute with one maybe?

Maybe, But I don't think you should get one.

What happens when gravity kicks in?

Cute little picture of Snoopy would turn into Droopy.

Look, if you're thinking about it, don't do it.

What the hell, Lisa?

Ride or Diet?

Get used to it!

Well, at least it ain't Snoopy.

[Instrumental music]

[Scatting]

Uh, why you sitting there looking like your dog just died?

I don't have a dog.

I know. May he rest in peace.

Will you shut up?

What happened? What'd you do?

I messed up and told Lisa that I don't like women with tattoos.

So, what's wrong with that? Everybody don't

want their girl looking like a mural in the hood.

Well, she surprised me and got a tattoo for our anniversary.

What?

That's crazy.

Did she get it on her left cheek or her right cheek or, you got a picture that you could show me

for the purpose of this conversation?

Picture my foot in your ass.

Now listen, I was trying to be you know, honest. But I think I hurt her feelings.

So, what are you going to do to fix it?

Do what any husband would do.

What, go live on the other side of town with your other

wife and kids and leave me to raise your new ones?

Morning.

Hey.

Hey! What's up, Tatiana? [Chuckling]

Donnie, uh, I need to talk to Lisa for a moment, okay?

So, what you trying to say?

Get out!

I have never!

Listen, uh, Lisa. I'm sorry.

Okay-

Hey, hold, hold that thought I got a long walk ahead of me.

Y'all got some milk? Never mind, I'll find, I'll...

Look, I was insensitive earlier.

Oh, Tony, you don't have to apologize.

No, no, no, no. I, I want to.

And just to show you how sorry I am, I have a tattoo artist

coming by to do a matching tattoo without the typo.

Oh, no! Tony, you don't have to do that.

Oh, but I want to.

And I'm going to use the same tattoo artist that you did.

Okay, you might not want to do that, really, Tony.

The truth is, my tattoo is not permanent.

What are you talking about?

It's temporary, Tony. It'll fade in two weeks.

Oh, thank God. Because I'm scared of needles.

But I would have got one for my Ride or Diet.

So, you uh, think I should go ahead and call Daphne and tell her that it's off, huh?

Well, you need to tell Daphne to get her G.E.D.

[Laughing] If she could spell it.

I love you baby.

- Love you too. - Mm!

My Ride or Diet.

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

Mm. There you go. Look at you!

Uh, do it. Don't hurt 'em.

Don't hurt 'em.

Mm. Now walk down slow, don't hurt yourself.

Okay, you're right.

I do love you. Look at you. Beautiful, baby, beautiful.

I do have one quick question, though.

What did you charge to our credit card for nine hundred dollars?

Oh, what had happened was...

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

You got me that flat screen for the man cave!

Oh girl, you shouldn't have.

Good, because I didn't.

What was it, playoff tickets?

Nuh uh.

No? Well then what was it?

A dress.

I think it compliments your skin tone.

I don't get it.

Long story. Long story.

I'll explain it over dinner.

Where we going, Baby?

Chateau Anthony.

[Speaking French]

What?

I may have said it wrong. Just come on.

Okay.

Oh, my goodness!

Yes Lord.

Wow!

This is amazing!

You do know that.

- Come on, let's get some of this here. - So romantic!

[Vocalizing]

Thank you.

- It's like in the movies. - Mm hm.

- Wow. - Yes, Lord.

You like that there?

Yes, this is beautiful.

Happy Anniversary, my love.

Happy Anniversary.

Excuse me.

- Tony. - Baby, come here.

Mm.

Thank you, baby.

Now do your thing.

Mm hm.

Yeah.

This looks so good.

It looks, it looks like it's red meat, Baby.

Mm hm.

That's tofu, Baby, don't trip.

- It's tofu? Oh! - Go on, get in there.

[Instrumental music]