Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Mm...

Hey, ready to go?

Ready to go where?

I just spent my entire morning clearing my

schedule so that we can spend some quality time like you requested.

And you thought quality time was happening here?

And why don't you have on the clothes I laid out for you?

Laid out Lisa? This is not the first day of school.

I'm not wearin' no khaki shorts and a Hawaiian shirt,

lookin' like Tim Duncan.

Oh, but you would look so cute in that Hawaiian shirt.

And it'd be perfect for our picnic.

Picnic? I thought we were just going to stay home.

You know, do the old GetFlix and chill thing.

But I want to go on a picnic with my husband.

And I already got tickets to the botanical garden.

Oh, great, flowers and whatnot.

Lisa, you do know that we have a backyard.

And I already took the liberty to get us two tickets

to go skinny dipping in our jacuzzi.

You got a nice view of the flowers from there, too.

Can you please get your mind out of the gutter? Please?

As long as it keeps my ass out of the garden.

Okay, okay, I'll go, I'll go. But I ain't gonna like it.

- What was that? - Nothing dear.

[Knocking]

Oh my God Lisa, there's a strange man at the back door.

- Hey. - Hey, sis.

Uh, you don't see nobody else here?

Yeah I see you, Thick James.

With your super-freakish lookin' ass.

Lisa, you better tell your brother to watch his mouth.

Okay, enough. Seriously.

What's going on Rach?

Nothing much I just [Clears Throat] need a small favor.

Smaller than your mustache?

First of all Lumpstious Lion, I wasn't talkin' to you.

But, [Clears Throat] it does involve you, so...

It's, it's the smallest of favors.

Aw, now you need something from me, huh?

What is it, Rachel?

I need to crash here for about a week.

[Laughing]

Oh, you serious? Hell no!

Please! My house is getting fumigated.

It's infested with termites.

Yeah, and one big-ass rat.

Listen Dumbo,

before you go flyin' your swollen ass all around here,

just answer the damn question. Can I crash here for a week or not?

Yes of course you can.

Lisa how you just gonna, oh....

You, you, know, know what? Yes, yes.

Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Mi casa su casa.

- Really? - Yeah girl, of course.

You family, [Laughing] Yeah.

And as a guest in my home,

you get to take my ticket

to go with Lisa to the Botanical Gardens.

You ladies enjoy, I'll be at the barbershop.

Oh, and tell the kids they're welcome.

For what?

They always wanted a family pet, now they got a Rachel.

You better run you fat Charlie Brown!

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors won't let me be

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

[Instrumental Music]

Hey y'all, I was thinkin'.

Sleep should be rolled over.

Like if I could sleep for 24 hours today,

I shouldn't get sleepy for three days straight.

You know the main problem with that scenario is that you was thinkin'.

See that's gonna be the issue with him every time.

Tony, why do you keep bringin' this fool over here?

My car's in the shop and he's cheaper than a Goober.

Y'all just ain't on my level man, that's the problem with y'all.

Hmm, what level is that, third grade?

[Chuckling]

What's up y'all?

[All Exclaiming] Oh!

What's up Big Time?

Yeah, hey man, congratulations to the new groom.

- Oh, right! - Thank you. [Clapping]

Hey man, you know what? We want to wish you congratulations, but I think it's more like...

time to pay our condolences.

[Chuckling]

Yup, yup. Tomorrow is the big day.

So I just came in to get tightened up, you know.

Hey that's cool man. Well I guess tonight is the bachelor party.

We goin' to the strip club?

No man, don't nobody want no pregnant lap dance from them strippers you be messin' with.

Last thing you want in your lap dance is some baby feet.

[Laughter]

Hey look, it's my second weddin',

I got a kid already, so,

I think I'm past my bachelor party days.

What the hell are you talkin' about? The bachelor party's the best part.

The dummy here said something smart.

The bachelor party's absolutely the best part!

It's the bachelor party, then

the, the honeymoon, that's like number two.

Then, shoot, it's all downhill after that.

Don't listen to these fools, man.

Marriage can be a beautiful thang. Take it from a twenty year vet.

Yeah, agreed but,

the bachelor party can be a beautiful thing, man.

When I retire...

I'm movin' to Africa.

Why?

'Cause you can have multiple wives.

So I'm go there Africa, get me ten wives,

have me ten bachelor parties,

understand?

Heh, I'm gon' spend the rest of my days...

in The Motherland.

[Chuckling]

Hey, I'm with you on that.

I got one issue.

I haven't known her that long, so...

Ton', since you got twenty years in man,

how do you know she's the right one?

Awe man, I know where you coming from brother,

I had a case of the cold feet,

but once I saw Lisa walkin' down that aisle...

glanced at her daddy and he gave me the stank eye,

I knew it was the right thing to do.

Hey Eric,

is your fiancee left handed?

No.

Then she's the "right" one.

[Laughs Loudly]

Am I right?

Can I get some?

You can get out of here, that's what you can do.

Go, go man.

[Instrumental Music]

Wow! Wasn't that botanical garden just beautiful?

It was aight.

Aight? I've never seen horticulture like that.

Horticulture? Girl that was just some dumb-ass flowers.

Ew, really? You are worse than Tony.

I can't believe he gave me the slip just to go to the barbershop.

Well at last you got to spend some quality time with your favorite sister.

Lori ain't here.

[Chuckles]

Remember we used to spend all our time playin' spades when we were little?

Oh yeah, and Lori used to always cheat?

Yes! That's why we used to play two-hand spades.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, and I used to whup that ass.

Uh, hold up you must be talkin' 'bout Lori, 'cause you never whupped mine.

Oh, I get it Lisa.

Selective amnesia.

Please! You know damn well I was the reigning champ.

You mean reigning chump? Or, oh!

Champ of the longest losing streak.

Oh my goodness. I remember we had to stop

playin' because you would always get mad and get all sensitive and start crying.

Oh wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all,

I never cried.

You were the one that was doin' all the crying.

And only crying I did

was when big mamma took a switch to my ass for teasing you.

Well you know, uh, we can settle this right now.

Oh, well whatchu wanna do?

What you wanna do?

Well break out the cards, big mouth.

You ain't said nothin' but a word.

[Chuckling]

Now sit yo five dollah ass down, so I can make change.

Mm.

[Instrumental Music]

Lisa... Lisa...

Wake up woman! [Lisa Groans]

Come on now, we gon' be late if we don't hit this road.

We gon' miss the whole wedding.

Come on Tony, please.

Give me ten more minutes.

I was up until four in the morning playin' spades with Rachel.

Yeah, I heard y'all.

It sounded like a couple hyenas fighting over a piece of meat.

Now where'd you put my suit? You picked it up from the cleaners, right?

Urgh! I forgot.

Damn it woman, what am I supposed to wear?

I don't know. Why don't we just not go?

We can't not go.

Why can't we not go?

We can't not go 'cause I said I'd go.

I'd love to skip a two hour drive to Santa Barbara,

- but we already committed. - No, you committed.

Okay mister? I didn't commit, I didn't even want to go.

Let's not forget he dumped my cousin Patrice.

Had to see that comin'.

She was pregnant when they met

and she still wanted him to get a DNA test.

Why don't we just say something came up,

and that's why we couldn't make it?

- Oh! Ooh, ooh, Ooh-ooh! - Hmm?

- Better yet... - Hmm?

Why don't we say we did go

when we really didn't?

Go on.

Yeah, I mean it's gon' be like 250 people there Tony.

He's not gonna count every person in the room.

We just call and leave a voicemail

- say "oh, wow, what a beautiful ceremony". - Hmm...

"Beautiful". And then he's gonna assume we were there.

You know what, that's not a bad idea.

Yeah, I remember when we got married,

I, I got pulled in so many different directions, I don't even remember our wedding day.

Re- I mean, I remember it.

Remem- I'm just sayin', aye...

Woo! Beautiful day. Sun was shining-

It was raining.

Yeah, yeah, but you were the pot of gold

at the end of that rainbow. [Chuckles] You were.

You looked so...

[Instrumental Music]

Hey.

Aren't you supped to be at some wedding?

Change of plans. What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm enjoying the

Stallworth day spa.

Ah! You guys really need to take advantage of your own amenities.

oh, and could you, ah, up your wine selection?

This is flat.

It wasn't flat when you was drinking it last night.

I wasn't the only one drinking.

It's my house.

Oh, okay, I get it, I get it.

You're still pouting,

because of that beat down you took last night.

Well uh, don't worry. I will give you a chance to redeem yourself

with a rematch later.

Why wait 'til later when we can get it on right now?

Oh, okay, Fo sho'. Just pay me the hundred bucks you owe me.

It was not a hundred bucks Rachel, it was fifty.

Yeah, and then I beat you, twice.

So you do the math.

Awk, that's right! You were never any good at math!

Another thing that I'm better at than you.

Oh pease! You weren't better than me at volleyball,

never better than me at swimming, and you

definitely weren't better than me at jumping rope, so.

Girl, I will jump out of this jacuzzi,

and double dutch yo' thick ass into submission.

Bring it on, thunder thighs.

Okay fine, just pay me first.

You really trying to get a hundred bucks out of me.

A bet's a bet.

[Instrumental Music]

[Lisa] Ooh man...

Can't stand my sister.

I'm really starting to think she was adopted.

Mm. Baby, it's been confirmed, she's a whole other species.

Want me to kick her out?

Baby, we can't. She's getting her place fumigated, remember?

I'm just offering solutions Lisa.

And here's another one. If Rachel's acting up, just take her for a walk.

I don't even know why I come to you for suggestions.

Did you call yet?

I, I got this, I got this.

The way I see it, they're probably half way through the ceremony,

so its the perfect time now.

- Alight. - Wait, wh, what should I say?

You got this, remember?

Can you help a brother out?

Uh, keep it simple! Just keep it simple, uh...

beautiful ceremony, sorry we had to run early.

Alright. Why did we leave early?

Okay, I don't know, say you- oh yeah, you had the bubble guts,

didn't want to mess up your suit.

I ain't finna tell him, I had the bubble guts!

look, how 'bout I tell him that your dress was too tight,

and it was cutting off your circulation?

I think you should stop right there.

Okay, your heels were too small and your dogs were barkin'?

Yeah, use that one, that's fine. Just call.

[Dialing] [Phone ringing] [Message tone]

Oh, hey what's up Big Time!

Listen, it's Tony, man. Uh, Lisa and I had to cut out early.

Congratulations, once again man.

Uh, Lisa had to, you know her dress was, uh,

I mean, um, her shoes uh,

- Lisa had the bubble guts. - What?

Uh, alright man, so enjoy your honeymoon. Hit me, when you get back, peace.

Why would you say I had the bubble guts?

Cause you put it in my head!

You know I'm a terrible liar!

Clearly!

Uh, Donnie, how the hell'd you get in here?

From that secret key y'all keep under the rock.

I don't miss nothin'.

Now what the hell do you want?

Yeah. Aren't you supposed to be at the reception?

Y'all missed it!

Why, what happened?

Psst, wadn't a reception, 'cause it wadn't no wedding!

Hah! Dude left her at the altar.

It's a shame, 'cause she had some badass bridesmaids.

[Both] Ah, damn!

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Wait, he just left her there?

- I told you he wa- - Shh! Let the man finish.

Yeah man, so before that "Here Comes The Bride" music came on,

he took off!

I'm talkin' 'bout he knocked his grandmother over, on his way out the church!

Man her wig flew off and everything. It was crazy!

Oh my gosh, she must be devastated.

Hell yeah! The whole church seen them bald spots.

I'm talkin' 'bout the bride, fool!

Oh yeah, she was cryin' hard, too.

One of those soulful cries, one of those

[Imitates Sobbing]

"He said he loved me!"

"I'm gon' die alone!"

Y'all picked the right wedding to skip man.

At least now he can't be mad at y'all for missing the wedding.

Yeah, about that, we got a bigger problem.

Yeah, tony left him a voicemail saying we really enjoyed the wedding.

Oh, Tony left? Really? Really? I thought we was a team!

You did?

Y'all left that man a voicemail about the wedding?

he gon' think y'all were clownin' him.

Shame on y'all, man!

Y'all are parents. You supposed to be settin' an example.

Over here missing weddings and lying.

That's what you gon' teach Devin and them? Pssh!

Are you gon' drink that?

[Instrumental Music]

Uh, now see, okay, that right, that whoa!

Whoop-whoo! That's how you jump rope, girl.

Yeah! You was skippin-

[Inaudible] C walk on 'em.

C walk on 'em.

You saw that little girls face? She was like.

I have never seen anybody jump like that.

And I've been to a lot of horror movies with a lot of black folks.

[Gasps] Don't go in there! [Gasps] He's right behind you!

[Gasps] Oh! Don't look that way! [Laughing]

Yeah, yeah, you weren't so, you were not so bad yourself, honestly.

Yeah, them little girls, they gonna think twice before

skipping rope in our neighborhood.

-Hear me? -Amen to that!

Now we're even.

Wait, what do you mean even?

Uh, you won at spades, I won at jump rope.

Do the math. Even.

Wait, wait, wait, no.

I remember having a bet for playing spades.

Uh, yeah, and?

And uh, I don't remember doing a bet for jumping rope.

Well it was, it was implied.

How was it implied?

We started talking about jumping rope right after the spades thing.

[Huffs] You are so petty!

I'm petty?

- Really? Okay, you know what? - Yes, yes!

I'll get your little cheap ass the one hundred dollars, okay?

No, no, no, no! You do not get to call me cheap, okay?

I won this money fair and square.

Oh, so now you don't want me to pay because you want to be the bigger person?

Don't you? And you're gonna hold this over my head for the rest of my life.

Oh my G- you are so, so...

So what? So what? So right?

You know what? There's only one way to settle this. Once and for all.

Oh you ain't even got to say it. I'll get the cards.

[Instrumental Music]

[Yawning]

Mmm, we out of damn coffee.

We been playin' all night.

Can you just concede?

Hell no! You might've won the first fifteen,

but I'm about to win the next sixteen.

Lisa, I'm sleepy.

Oh well you know what? Let me put on another

pot of coffee, because you're about to wake it on up!

Um mm, come, come, come back, sit down sit down, coffee ain't gonna help.

I'm so tired, but I'm gon' tell you something.

You're holding a King of Hearts,

and a two of Diamonds.

Okay, well, what about now?

Ten of Spades, Six of Clubs.

Oh my God...

you have a gift, Rachel!

-Uh-huh. -Unless you been counting cards.

Mm-mm. I just been lookin' at the

reflection of the cards in them thick-ass

Catwoman, trifocals you got on your face.

You little heifer!

-Yeah, whatever. -Really?

Call me what you want. But the good news is,

you don't owe me money anymore.

And now, I get to get some sleep.

Oh no, oh no, we are going to play again.

-Okay. -Umm-mm.

-Without my readers! -Umm mm

-Rach, Rachel, Rachel! -What

Get back here, no we're playin' again.

Sit it down, sit it right on down.

-I can not believe this, wasting my time. -Fine.

-Fine. -Cheatin' all night.

Sucka, you know I ain't gonna play that game no more.

Rachel!

[Instrumental music]

[Door bell]

Eric.

- Hey Ton', can I come in? - Yeah, of course.

You alright?

Yeah man, I'm alright. Just...

been up all night drivin' around and thinking.

Yeah, I bet.

- Listen, about last night- - No, here you go.

Take your present back.

My present?

Yeah, the one you bought to the wedding.

I returned all the presents, and this was the only one that didn't have a card on it,

so I knew it came from you and Lisa.

Oh, because y'all were at the wedding.

Or lack thereof.

Oh yeah, yeah, we- we were there, we were there.

Uh, hey, look I'm, I'm sorry about what happened.

Oh and I'm sorry I missed your call yesterday.

I know you just wanted to talk some sense into me.

I still haven't heard the voicemail you left.

Well you can just delete that. [Chuckles]

Yeah, don't, don't even listen to it brother. You here now, we can talk it out.

So...

you know you're the only reason that I left the church, right?

Mm!

Uh, this ain't one of them comin' out of the closet moments, is it?

'Cause I don't get down like that, brah.

Naw man, I took your advice.

When I saw her walkin' down the aisle...

I just knew she wasn't for me.

Oh, he, hey man, don't put that on me.

Home wrecker.

Donnie, Ton's right.

When I saw her walkin' down that aisle,

those two words just popped up in my head.

- I do? - Nah, I'm out.

"Naw, I'm out"? That's three words.

- Will you shut up? - It's three words!

Look man, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Yeah, well...

Hey!

I ain't gettin' no cell phone reception in here, man.

Um, how 'bout you, Eric?

Uh, full bars.

Would you mind

if I used your phone? I have an important business call.

No problem. I was gonna use the bathroom anyway. Is that cool?

Yeah, yeah, right down the hall.

You're welcome Ton'.

Now all I got to do is get in the phone and delete the voicemail before he get back.

[Laughing] That's a great plan!

I know.

Get in there.

Oh man, it's locked.

Boy that was quick.

I just had to wash my hands.

Aww, wa, you, you don't wanna go do nothin' else?

I'm good.

You know what's funny?

How some people put passcodes on they phones

like they tryin' to keep a government secret or something.

Yeah I guess. I got a password on mine.

Really? I hope it's something secure. Most people just put they birthday.

[Donnie Giggles] Well actually, it's my daughter's birthday.

And she got that spring birthday, right?

October.

Ah, October, October.

Okay, ten.

- Uh, October 17th? - 25th.

25th?

10 25.

What was that?

I said I gotta get the time.

Mm.

Say Ton', I really could use a drink right now,

so, could we talk this whole thing through?

Sure.

Uh, I'll get it!

[Chuckles]

[Tony's Voice] "Oh, hey what's up Big Time, Listen it's Tony, man uh,

uh, Lisa and I had to cut out early. Congratulations once again, man.

Ah, Lisa had to, you know, her dress was ah,

her shoes,uh, Lisa had the bubble guts.

Uh, alright man, so, uh enjoy your Honeymoon. Hit me when you get back, peace.

Here your phone back.

-Did I hear that right? -Hmm?

Did you leave a message saying that the ceremony was beautiful?

Let me explain...

No, no. Did you even go? You didn't even go, did you?

Well, to be fair, you didn't go either.

Uh, well you were there, but you left early.

Okay, uh, let me explain.

Nah, you know what? You explained in your voicemail.

- Peace. - Pea- Eric.

Eric! Come on brother. 'Ey, 'ey!

Lisa had the bubble guts!

[Instrumental music]

Damn boy, what they call you on the streets, Brillo?

[Laughing]

I'll give you my best, man.

Hey, what's up y'all?

Hey, how you holdin' up, young fella?

I'm alright. I just came by to return your, uh gift.

A ten dollar gift card, very thoughtful of you.

Hey man, the least I could do, you know.

Hey, that's actually from both of us,

so I'm just gonna go head and keep it at my crib.

Hey Eric, we should talk, man.

Ah, nah, Ton'. We're good.

We are?

Yeah, so what you missed my wedding?

I missed my wedding too.

[Laughing]

My, man. So uh, everything's good with you man?

Well, I talked to her this morning, and obviously she was upset.

But, we both agreed it, you know, it was for the best.

-Deep down, we knew it wasn't right. -Mmm hmm.

I'ma tell you where you went wrong.

The bachelor party!

Yeah, but we didn't have a bachelor party.

Exactly. You jinxed it.

Only one way to fix this now.

And what is that?

[All] Strip club!

[Instrumental Music]